The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 3
Change.
Dangled by the cruel mistress that is Eternal Hope, the possibility of change, the prospect of alteration and the desire to be there when it happens is a key manifestation of the emotional thinking that keeps a victim ensnared to the narcissist.
There can be no change.
The Lesser Narcissist has no idea what he or she is. Indeed, the Lesser invariably lacks any awareness of their behaviour being considered as ‘wrong’ by a third party. This is how it must be, because from the Narcissistic Perspective, the Lesser is doing what is right for her or him and it matters not the consequences for anybody else. The Lesser’s utter lack of any form of empathy also means that the blindness is so total that change cannot and will not happen. The Lesser will bulldoze through life, the proverbial wrecking ball, causing damage and chaos but seeing nothing wrong with doing so. He or she cannot understand why you are so upset, he or she knows that you deserved that beating and there is nothing wrong with them. The re-appearance of the Golden Period (or more usually since it is a Lesser – the Bronze Period) provides the victim with hope that the worst is over, that the narcissist has taken heed of your tear-filled pleading and look, it has happened, there is change.
This is not a permanent change. It is just part of the ongoing manipulation (and therefore there is no change) but it will give you false hope. It will stop you escaping the narcissist, it will encourage you to keep trying, to maintaining the belief that something can be done so that the narcissist interacts with you in a less hurtful and more benign way. Soon enough the devaluation will appear again – no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix – and you will cling on, trying various methods to bring back that respite period once more or the return to the Golden/Bronze Period. You did not effect that change, the narcissist did it because it suited him or her to do so. They chose because they must always control and it is because of this constant need for control that change cannot and must not happen.
The Mid-Range Narcissist is the member of the brethren who uses the prospect of change to a better way, a happier way, a healthier way more than any other school. It is a repeated protestation (see But I Can Change ) . With no emotional empathy, but usually a degree of (fake) cognitive empathy, the Mid Range Narcissist will choose to make some improvements in his or her behaviour. Sometimes it is the re-appearance of the Golden Period (as explained above) which gives the appearance of change, but it is merely part of the ongoing manipulation that forms part of the narcissistic dynamic. In other instances there will be a temporary alteration in behaviours (usually as a consequence of being part of a Preventative Hoover). This again is just part of the manipulation and is only done to enable the narcissist to exert control over the victim once again and ensure that the Prime Aims are met. Once that control is achieved (i.e. the escape is stopped) or another appliance is obtained to recruit the non-compliant/less compliant one – the supposed change in behaviour will end.
Often a combination of this form of manipulation and the effect of emotional thinking causes the victim to believe that long-lasting change has been effected. It has not. The Mid Ranger, with a higher cognitive function and more application may well attend therapy, may well seek treatment for drinking, may well start helping out more around the house and with the children but it will not last and is only being done to ensure the narcissist’s needs, primarily fuel, are being met. Similar to the Lesser, the Mid Range does not regard his or her behaviour as the problem. Yes, they will have sufficient cognitive function to recognise that their behaviour is viewed as problematic by third parties (hence why the Mid Ranger relies so heavily on maintaining the facade – ‘keeping up appearances’) but they are incapable of ever accepting culpability, liability or blame for their actions.
Accordingly, the alteration in behaviour will only ever be temporary. This is because it is driven not by a recognition that the Mid Range Narcissist is at fault (the narcissism blinds the Mid Ranger to it ever being his or her fault) but is driven purely by getting what the narcissist wants and needs. Once those needs are met, the supposed change stops. Thus, this is why there cannot be change.
You might think “Aha, well if I keep the narcissist thinking that he is going to lose me, then he will modify his behaviours all of the time to keep me.” Nice try. Firstly, you will not be capable of sustaining such an environment. You will find it too draining and too difficult to keep gauging how you should treat us, not to mention that behaving this way runs contrary to your empathic traits. However, the main reason this will not work is because the narcissist will eventually regard you as not complying and look to replace you for a model which is functioning more effectively. You will be changed, the narcissist will not.
The vast majority of our brethren are Lesser or Mid Range Narcissists and therefore recognising and accepting that there will be no change, conquering your emotional thinking which tries to convince you that you are witnessing change, that it can be achieved, that more effort from you and so forth, are central to this golden rule. There will be no change. Accept that and stop applying your energies to trying to achieve that which cannot be achieved. Anything which tells you to the contrary is emotional thinking.
As for those who claimed to have changed our kind. Mistaken or liars.
As for those who claim to be of our kind and to have changed. Mistaken or liars.
There may be someone who is narcissistic who has altered their behaviours, but they were not a narcissist. The narcissist will not change.
What of the much rarer Greater? Our heightened awareness means that of all the schools we possess the potential for modification, but not wholesale change. There can be no wholesale change because this is what we are, this is how we have been designed and created. Certain elements that you wish to see as a consequence of change are just not there and never will be. You cannot inject emotional empathy into us. We function so effectively, why alter a winning combination? Why take an unnecessary risk? There is no compelling reason to do so. Might we modify? Potentially yes, but once again the overriding need of our narcissism is such that we regard doing so as an unnecessary alteration to our power, a shift in control which is not required. Like the Mid Ranger, we will implement temporary change to achieve our aims, but this is done as an act of largesse and not as a pleading, snivelling last ditch attempt to halt you leaving. You will be grateful for our magnanimous gesture of reigning in our malice – albeit it will only be for so long as we need to and then normal service will be resumed.
The Lesser and Mid-Range cannot change. The Greater may modify, but sees no compelling reason to do so.
There will be no change.
Understand this. Accept this. Apply it and this will advance you further to your freedom and release you from the yoke of false hope that change might happen.
13 thoughts on “The Golden Rules of Freedom – No. 3”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Will narcs speak about themselves like they have multiple “parts” of themselves? Both good parts and bad? There were times he said to me… “when I indulge with you that is just the selfish part of me. But the good part of me does NOT want that”
Or is that just another manipulation in making me think that he intends to change?
That is common and a typical Mid-Range behaviour. What is happening is that the selfish part is being used as the excuse for the behaviour and thus he (in his mind) avoids being accountability because in his mind, that selfish part is not really him.
“That is common and a typical Mid-Range behaviour. What is happening is that the selfish part is being used as the excuse for the behaviour and thus he (in his mind) avoids being accountability because in his mind, that selfish part is not really him.”
Except it is! It is him. Or his behavior anyway. It is just utterly mind boggling that he cannot see it that way. He says he does not want to do “whatever” with me anymore (“whatever” meaning either see me, talk to me, sext with me, have actual sex with me) and then he just….does it anyway. And attributes it to the “selfish” part of himself.
He often withdraws from me after doing this “whatever” behavior. And the reasons for his withdrawal are always because of the guilt and shame he “feels”. So I assume that this continued repetition of excuses is also part of his behavior because that is also “not really him”? So it is a reason to dismiss me and vacate? Perhaps I am overthinking that but that is my interpretation.
I guess this explains why he also says it “breeds resentment” when I try to contact him. Just another way to make it be all my fault right?
Thank you for the reply, HG.
FOTS
When I was a little girl, when I did something I wasn’t supposed to, I told my mama that an elephant did it and I remember thinking she would believe me. It seemed plausible to me at the time! I grew out of that about age 3. I guess it’s pretty much the same thing, just the big boy version still using the 3 year old’s coping mechanism.
i mean, I feel like we all have “parts” of ourselves. They mirror, so they’re getting that from us. From the “internalized teacher” of a really good music teacher we had when we practice that reminds us to stop “just playing” and actually drill a bit with the metronome. From the inner three year old that can come out to play a little bit after a long day when you’re tired and hungry. From the internal critic, to the internal pep-talker.
But that using the parts of him to excuse his behavior and make it like he is not in control of it, never can be, and never will be. That’s the key.
I’m sorry that you are going through this right now! I really hope you can find the strength to take yourself off the shelf and into a distant no-contact galaxy from him. And I wonder if it does feel hard, even though you’re here and know what he is, to really believe that and reconcile that with the fantasy he originally presented you with?
It sounds like it feels really hard to believe that he really can’t ever change. If you’re really into research or that sort of thing, I know what really helped me, is to read some of the literature (Hare and others) on the brain issues (as in scans show completely non-functional brain-area wastelands relating to areas of emotion, for an example). You can’t make pie-crust if you don’t have the dough.
Kathleen – you articulated your experience of a ‘suspended reality’ – and the feeling of dying inside while enduring it – so very well. I can identify with that sense of reality during the last while with my narc, before finally escaping him.
Congrats on eights months! And this:
“The whole experience is causing me to reevaluate my entire life From my friends and my work to where I’m living and what I plan to do in the next few decades-so it’s opened up all kinds of new thoughts which is exciting.”
I echo that sentiment as well…the awareness of the possibilities (post entanglement). It IS exciting and draws us forward.
All the best.
“You might think “Aha, well if I keep the narcissist thinking that he is going to lose me, then he will modify his behaviours all of the time to keep me.” Nice try. Firstly, you will not be capable of sustaining such an environment. You will find it too draining and too difficult to keep gauging how you should treat us, not to mention that behaving this way runs contrary to your empathic traits.”
This statement above is the suspended reality I lived in for a few years. I didn’t realize how damaging it was to my psyche. I was managing myself down. I remember stating clearly to her when she would say you don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater… I would say something like well I have just reduced my expectations /I will try to enjoy the good points. But eventually that became too tough. My soul was dying. I was addicted. I never held her accountable for making any effort to change. I had seen her brief efforts to change which would last a day or a week and then inevitably some little salami slicing thing would happen And would crush my heart. I also am very grateful that I have learned everything I have From HG and from others…and will never fall in to this type of relationship again. It’s coming up on eight months of being out of the entanglement… But processing the amazement of it all has certainly been time-consuming. I sense a time coming soon over the next few months where I will entirely done with ruminating on it. I’m beginning to get glimmers of my new fabulous life shining through. It’s a big world out there and this one crazy person isn’t going to hold me up.
The whole experience is causing me to reevaluate my entire life From my friends and my work to where I’m living and what I plan to do in the next few decades-so it’s opened up all kinds of new thoughts which is exciting. I think I’m falling in love with HG and Melanie Tonia Evans though… heh heh.
Yes to it all!!!! I’m ever so grateful and feel like I won the lottery for finally accepting this. Well the lottery is all the insight I’ve learned over this past year through blogs like this one, especially this site. I have a long, hard road ahead of me but I’m proud to be finally taking it! Maybe the narc can’t change but I’m more than capable and ready for change 😉
I am using this to see if I can get a reply from someone. I have been posting questions and comments but never get a reply. Not even from HG. He so fickle. If you can see this please say hi!!
Hi, kimmom546
I can your comment.
I’ve read enough of your blogs to get off this ride. Thank you for helping me escape.
I’ve fallen asleep to your tones for at least 6 months of my 7 month being free.
I don’t want to mix with your kind anymore.
In my darkest nights, when I crave him, I listen to you. I fall asleep feeling nothing for him. That’s a gift HG.
I shall await your response to my consultation but then I shall stop reading. I’ve grown since I met you. I don’t want to be reminded daily of evil, you epitomise that but I’m thankful you are helping others. At least something good has come from who you are. Sure you make a living from us, none of us can prove your credentials, but I thank you for showing words are words. People take comfort in that and since you can’t prove in actions, you’ll always be HG Tudor.
I need positivity and you don’t reflect any of that, I know it’s your make up. I’m sorry your earlier years were… life forming and made you who you are. Thank you for showing me the red flags and being honest. Your kind are rare in my world and thank fuck for that!
J
All the best to you J.
Dear J,
I understand form your post that you have decided to not engage in any further reading about NPD. That is, of course, entirely up to you, and it is none of my business to say otherwise.
Nevertheless, I want to share my perspective😊
Ever since I was a little girl I have been part of an athlete team. That has given me many healthy lessons which I also use for my everyday life, especially in my business life. The number one lesson is with out a doubt to practise. To be able to keep the level I want, both on my sports team and in business, I must practise every day.
We, as empathic individuals, will always be narc magnets, and I must practise every day to keep their impact on me to a minimum. Although I trust I will never let any narcissist close enough to really hurt me again, they will be out there. The only way, for me, to stay on top of knowing the red flags and their manipulation tactics is to read about NPD as often as possible.
But this is just what works for me, of course. We must all find our own path to freedom.
I wish you all the best😊