A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 52

Repeater letter
Dear ***,

I was so relieved to get out of sixth period when I was a junior in high school.  A friend of my family got me an after school job at your law firm.  I didn’t care what I did, I just wanted to leave school early.  I never felt like I fit in there.  I watched other girls have boyfriends and relationships that I was terrified of.  You knew upon seeing me that I was searching for something I’d lost as a child.

When I met you my first day of work you knew that I was struck by your magnificence​, your passion, your danger​.  You could feel it.  The energy flowing ​from me to you was electric.  Everyone could feel it.

You were kind, gracious, humble and beautiful.  You looked at me as though I was the most beautiful creature you had ever seen.  I didn’t care that you were 18 years older than me…for some reason it made me even more attracted to you but I had no idea why​.  Onlookers viewed me as the teenager I actually was and thought it was a painful, adorable crush.  You saw an opportunity.

It took time, but you were as patient as ISIS.  You consistently told me how beautiful, smart and compassionate I was knowing how thirsty I was to hear those words.  You knew the end game and would wait as long as it took.  Each day that I came to your office you injected a tiny bit of poison in me.  It was so slow that no one, including myself, could ever notice that I was getting sicker.  I didn’t know that I had already been infected as a child from another one like you years ago.  I didn’t know that my infection was lying dormant only to be awakened again by another of your kind.  I only knew that I desperately wanted you to choose me.

The days passed and my infection grew worse.  The poison accumulated in my body until I was completely infected.  You asked me to stay after work one evening to help you.  I was so flattered that you would ask me to work alongside you.  What an honor.  Was this it?  Did you really choose me?

I trembled that evening prior to you taking me.  Yes, I wanted you physically.  Yes, I flirted with you mercilessly.  Yes, I wanted you to pursue me and choose me.  All of those wants fell away in the moment you entered me.  I was afraid but at the same time I felt chosen.  You cast the die that could never be removed.

I quit my job thinking that you were preparing to leave your ​(as you said) ​ horrible, crazy, frigid wife to come for me.  The reality was that I was put on a very high shelf​. I was comfortable with the shelf but, still,​I had no idea why.  It’s not that it didn’t hurt or that I didn’t feel​ abused, but it was so familiar.  Like returning home.

The years passed and you took me off the shelf monthly to assure me that I was the chosen one.  That I was the one you loved.  Pleaded with me to just wait a little longer for you while knowing all the while that I was never going anywhere​ .  Just a little more time and you would be mine.  I didn’t know why I actually felt safest being on the shelf.  I didn’t know that you were a reenactment of someone I had already known.  But you did.  You knew.

It has taken decades​ for me t​o truly learn who you are even though I’ve returned to you again and again throughout my life​.  You are my father.  You embody abuse, abandonment and the most dangerous place I could ever be.  To this day I struggle with that reality.

I wanted you to be the father that would finally choose me.  That loved me.  That wanted me.  You are not and neither was he.

​Neither of you can ever be that for me.​

I still have the infection.  It is constantly waiting for me and desperate to resurface.  I am getting better now because I know the disease is there.  Recovery is slow and it is painful.  I have help from one who knows your kind and what you are, however, he is blessed with the duality of accepting what he is and using it for good in a part of his life.

Goodbye, Father.

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10 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 52”

  1. HG, I hope that you got my email. There was a reply saying you were away, so I hope your break was both refreshing and beneficial.
    Instead of writing another email and clogging things up as I know after a few days you’ll have some catching up to do, I decided just to put a comment here saying that I have never ever done what I sent you. I had very mixed feelings about it all. But felt some kind of healing by doing that. It was very difficult writing it. And I could have gone on a lot longer as there is tons of stuff I left out. Even if it doesn’t go anywhere else, I just needed to do that I guess. So thank you. If nothing else comes from my time here, then I feel it’s been beneficial just for that. I felt like once I got going, it was just spewing out of me…. my therapists/doctors have often told me to do this, but I have not…as I don’t remember or know exactly when or how old I was, it’s all kinda mixed up. But I’ve never done this because I was afraid of the feelings it encompasses. (Ptsd) but I’m glad I did now. I needed a platform where nobody knows me, that is confidential to do that. I feel like I came to do what I was meant to do somehow. 👍🏻

  2. This is a beautifully written letter. It tells a sad story in a quietly eloquent way.

    Thank you to the writer for sharing. Through your calm and accepting words, you draw a clear picture to show others the origin and results of the “infection”.

    I’m sorry you had to live through this harsh reality. Every child deserves to be loved and wanted, cherished for who they are, and gently guided into living a fulfilling life. If we don’t get those things from our parents, we need to learn to give them to ourselves instead. I hope you’re continually getting better and doing well now.

  3. Terrible. I almost saw myself and my abusive father. But there is a solution and healing. And when the hurt form the father is healed, the story with the narcissist finishes. Forever! He has no power over you anymore. It is a big fight between you and yourself. The narcissist is only the catalyst, nothing more.

  4. Letter To The NARCISSIST, Brought Back Some Painful Memories About My Own Marriage! Falling In Love Very Young With The Most Handsome , Interesting , Intelligent Well Bred,Man Who Pursued Me , Knowing I Had None Of Those Qualities (Not Yet) But I Had Other Gifts ! HE Married 2Years Later I Left Home On My 18TH B,Day ! He Didn’t Want A Wife On He,s Level , Just A Young Girl , That Would Look Up To Him Worship Him , Always Be There Praise His Accomplishments ((He Was 25Years My Senior ))🚼🚼🔔🔔🏆🏆🍼!!I Was CHOSEN BY A CEREBRAL NARCISSIST Because An EMPATH From A NARCISSIST FATHER Who Never Had LOVE For His Baby Daughter!! I OF course Would Fall Madly In Love With My Jailer 45 Years !! FATHER s. Do Leave The Door Open For OTHERS To DESTROY Their Daughter s. ! We Need Their Approval & Search All Our Lives 🍷🍸🐉🐉🐍🐺💍💜💜👎👤👹💲🚬💉♋ !!

  5. Holy fuck, yes. I resonate.
    Choose ME
    Over the alcohol (dad) over the new step dad (mum) ….over the drugs, (babydaddy)….then later, over the other candidate IPPS,(narc 1) .. then over the alcohol again (narcoholic)

    I don’t know yet who the original abandonment was from. Both parents abandoned simultaneously when I was 16.

    This letter helped me, to read, as I also have the “choose me” infection.

    But finally a few months ago *I* chose me.I finally, FINALLY started choosing mySELF and it’s a happily familiar position…I recall being this way before the babydaddy
    .
    And I can’t remember when my last contact with either of my narcs even was….months anyhow.

  6. I really enjoyed reading this. Fantastic writing!
    It was intriguing. very well written.

  7. This is a beautifully written letter.
    My heart ached for you repeater.
    I’m not sure what else I can say except thank you for sharing your letter. It has had a significant impact upon me. I think the way you have written this letter accesses the soul not just the heart. It’s very powerful. X

  8. Our stories are so parallel….you got a great lesson…..this really made us better persons, with much more insight than the average population.

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