How To Make The Narcissist Return


To bastardise a phrase, “How does your emotional thinking affect thee, let me count the ways?”

“I still love her and I always will, I miss her so much.”

“I know what he is, but I don’t care, I just have to be with him, there is no point otherwise.”

“I cannot stand to be without him. The pain is too much, so I would rather have the ups and downs than nothing at all.”

“I understand her now, so I can control the situation better so I will not be hurt. I can make this work.”

“Since I understand him, I can explain to him that I do and he will realise and everything will work out for the best.”

“All I need to do is work on pleasing her and asserting my boundaries and we can get through this, love conquers all.”

“I am better than her and he will soon realise what he has lost and he will come back to me, we are soul mates and meant to be.”

“They say if you let someone go and they come back then it is meant to be. That is what I must do ; let him go and ensure he returns to me.”

“I know he has hurt me but I have done some bad things as well, so if we are honest with one another we will sort things out, I only want him and nobody else.”

“I know he is bad for me, but well, it is so boring without him. Nobody else compares to him.”

“I don’t care if he hurts me, I love him and I know he really loves me and that is all that matters in the end. Love hurts sometimes you know.”

All of the above are the product of the fraudulent effect of emotional thinking and a thousand thousand further phrases besides. I have heard so many and read even more. I have no doubt you can think of similar utterances and proclamations.

So, if the bond is so tight and the pain so awful that you cannot bear to be without the narcissist, why not make him or her come back to you after they disengaged from you. They wanted you once, they seduced you and goodness, how did they seduce you! Those magical, mesmerising days of golden, beautiful, flawless perfection. If only you can return to them. How might you go about achieving this? What steps can you take to ensure that the narcissist returns to you and not only returns but stays? After all, you know they are a narcissist now, you understand why he or she operates as they do, you recognise the manipulations and you are confident that you can handle the narcissist so that not only are you not hurt but so that you do not lose them. You have gained the power through knowledge haven’t you? Now, all you need to do is cast that magic spell to make us come back to you. What can you do to guarantee the return of the narcissist to your arms, to your home, to your bed?

  • Provide that positive fuel. Provide the narcissist with that reminder of the glorious and potent fuel that once drew us to you. Let it gush and fountain from you, with your praise, love and admiration for us. Do not hide it under a bushel, let it appear in vast quantities and often. Drown us in your positive fuel.
  • Make those traits of yours which we expressed admiration for shine and appear prominently so we see what rewards await us by coupling with you once more, so we can claim those traits once again. Make sure that your achievements are noticeable – that promotion, that recent big client win, the articles printed in the press, the new followers for your work and so on.
  • Ensure that the residual benefits are available once again. Have that house open to us whenever we choose, make it clear that money is available, let us know that we have a house keeper who will cook, clean and care for us, let it be known that yours is ours, that your contacts are accessible to us for our use, that we can plug into your networks once again and attend those prestige events. Whatever those residual benefits are, make it evident that they are ours for the taking.
  • Demonstrate penance for everything bad that you have ever done. Make it clear you were at fault and that we were not, recognise your shortcomings and apply the suitable mea culpa mea maxima culpa so we know your contrition is genuine.
  • Remove any obstacles. If you have a new partner, ditch him or her. Drop the restraining order. Obviously destroy the no contact regime. There should be no fence, wall or barrier to our glorious return.
  • If we have been bad mouthed in anyway, make sure this is overturned. Ensure that family, friends and colleagues speak well of us, correct any ‘misunderstandings’ they may have acquired about us and create a fertile ground for the growth of our new and improved façade.
  • Look and be your best to cater for the relevant cadre of narcissist, be it somatic, cerebral, victim or elite. Ascertain which we are and cater to that by adjusting your appearance, behaviour, outlook etc to align with what we want.
  • Demonstrate subservience once again and your willingness to submit to our authority. Be strong to the world at large, if that is the way you are, but ensure we know that you will roll over and want your tummy tickled by us on our return.

Those are the key grounds which cover the various matters which you need to attend to if you are looking to make us return to you after you have been disengaged from so that your pain and misery is swept away and you can embrace the wonderful new Golden Period Mk 2.

Will those steps detailed above guarantee our return?


You can never ever make us return.


This impossible outcome, much as you want and long for it, can never be guaranteed to happen for three reasons :-

  1. We are the controllers. We control, you are controlled. You do not tell us what to do, you do not make the decisions for us to obey, you do not bring about a situation because you want it, it happens if and because we want it. You may make the situation more appealing to us, granted, but even so there is never a guaranteed outcome. We must decide if we are to return. It is not even when we return, but if. It may never happen and if it happens it is only when we decide and on our terms. Not yours. You cannot compel us to these things. No matter how inviting you make it, no matter how much you place yourself on the sacrificial altar and declare that you will do anything and everything for us, it is not guaranteed to work because we must always have control and that means we must be the decision maker; and
  2. You do not know what else is occurring in our fuel matrix. No matter how well you tempt us with the creation of what you think is an inviting scenario, someone else in our fuel matrix may well be outshining you. If we have a new IPPS and we are in that golden period with them, there is NOTHING you can do to affect that. Our fuel needs may be met by a variety of appliances and therefore there is little need for you. You do not know the extent of our fuel matrix, how it is constituted, who is in it and what roles those people take. You do not know how much fuel is provided, how often and to what potency. You do not know how the character traits are supplied nor the residual benefits and because of this lack of knowledge, you can never have any guarantee that we will return to you.
  3. Our split thinking. If you are painted black, you are painted black and no matter what you do to try to shift that perception, you are not guaranteed to be able to do it. This means that you go can be superlative in your provision of fuel and all else but ultimately it will be scorned because your treachery (as seen by us) obscures and denigrates all that you do. You will remain black until we decide that you are white and whilst you might cause us to regard you as white because of something you do, you should note that

a. That still does not guarantee our return to you because of points 1 and 2 above ; and

b. Your turning white is usually as a consequence of someone else in our fuel matrix turning black and thus you have no control over that happening and when.

Furthermore, you may become painted white but you can soon become black very quickly and you have little control over how that happens.

How can you make the narcissist return to you?

You cannot.

You may want it to happen because you are being blinded by your emotional thinking. I understand that and you can tell me all the reasons why you want it to happen, how it will be different and so forth and I will shoot down each and every reason with ease.

You cannot make us return to you and one day, when the emotional thinking clears and logic prevails you will accept this and say

“I do not want the narcissist to return – because he is a narcissist.”

You will have then begun to seize the power.


24 thoughts on “How To Make The Narcissist Return”

  1. I have a question HG,

    you know everything about narcissists but also you know victims like no other. So there is a victim who escaped the narcissist and went no contact, she cut him off everywhere. The narcissist was hoovering her desperately but she was strong enough to ignore it. And she found a new man, they live together and it looks like a normal happy relationship. After a year of no contact her new partner proposed to her and they are now engaged.

    And here is the twist. When they got engaged she unblocked the narcissist. And she is bragging about her engagement and this happy relationship. You could say – ok, normal thing, many people like to make their exes jealous early after the break up. But it’s been more than a year now and her every post is a sub-message to the narcissist “look what you could have with me if you were different”, it is so obvious. She even mimics the way the narcissist talks, uses some phrases he normallny use to show him she is adressing these posts to him. She is provoking him to hoover.

    What is it? Does she want him to return? Or is it her cold revenge to make him suffer? What about that soon to be husband, is she using him to make a narcissist come back (what a narcissistic thing to do!)? It really looks like a loving relationship, something she could not have with a narcissist and probably she is aware of this fact. But why still so obsessed with the narc?

    1. She could be a narcissist herself and the new man is in devaluation and she is trying to ensnare the former partner.
      Alternatively, this is her seeking a form of revenge by goading the narcissist even though she does not actually want the former partner. Her emotional thinking makes her believe it is the right thing to do, to goad him in order to give him payback, but all she is doing is fuelling him, breaching no contact and increasing her emotional thinking because it is making her engage with the narcissist.

      1. I think it is the alternative, but how sad she be thinking of another man rather than her new husband? Hmmm perhaps she is the narc

  2. Is it common for a narcissist to not want to take a relationship further but only to seduce someone and then keep it there? And if that in itself would provide fuel then by showing him you’re not actually into him would cause him to suffer?

    1. What do you mean by take a relationship further? Where has it got to at the point where it is not going any further?

  3. Maybe at one time I desired this….now I just want to be left alone. He made his decision that day, he sent them…..I bet he never saw a man by the name of HG entering my life.
    I was never his from the start and it is a fact he has no choice but to accept.

  4. Thank you HG this clarity is so helpful. It is so strange how no matter what we learn and accept and come to terms with and know we cannot go
    there again, there’s always that little ache that won’t go away. We have wised up enough never to act on it but it’s just there. I hope, really hope one day it will disappear. With your help it might HG. Still waiting for indifference to replace varying days of anger and sadness, much diluted now to how it was, work in progress, any tips to speed up the progress?

  5. Ugh, I cannot be fake so I would never be able to do most of these now, though once I could do penance and once I could gush. No longer and never again. The only way my narc ever returned, and he did many times, was when I was absolutely genuine, but absolutely genuinely thinking that I was only being friendly and not looking for him to ‘return’ at all. I am beyond being friendly now so I guess he is beyond twisting my friendliness into something else. Guess this means I am done.

  6. Hi,

    Within the fuel matrix how are you supposed to figure out who is who. How does one figure out a friend from a friend with benefits and so on.


    1. You ought not spend your time analysing the narcissist’s fuel matrix because once you realise you are within the fuel matrix of a narcissist then you should get out and stay out. If you wish to ascertain this from a distance at a later juncture, I can provide the answers.

  7. HG,
    In the beginning, I wanted my N to return. In reading your writings, you have been spot on in terms of how she would behave post-disengagement and how I would react post-disengagement. Of course, why would you not?
    It has been only recently that I have fully accepted the outcome if she were to come back/if I would take her back. The pain and suffering post-disengagement is far more tolerable than the pain and suffering I would incur if she were to return.

    1. Pale Horse, If it is any consolation, I let mine return so many times, including after I thought we’d reached an understanding about what went wrong and how to make it right. He wasn’t dumb. I eventually realized that the different wiring is the hardest thing for ‘normals’ to get their heads around. But once you do, you realize how futile all of it is. There is no way around it. Even if you were to do everything ‘right’ from the narc’s perspective, s/he would still make sure you lose in order to get that fuel. Post-escape I told mine he seemed to always be in battle mode. He said ‘what battle are you referring to?’ I said ‘the one in your head.’ He said ‘battle about what?’ I said ‘good question.’ There is no answer that will satisfy you both. Think of it like dealing with a different species.

      1. SMH, thank you for your kind words. It is futile indeed. I once told my N that she was like Darth Vader from Star Wars. She would lock on to people and not let up until they retreated or submitted to her will.

        1. LOL, Pale Horse. That sounds familiar. I felt caged – caged by my guilt for the anxiety that he caused, which meant I couldn’t be myself or the person I thought I should be with him (above it all); caged because he locked on, as you say; caged because I was an IPSS and therefore secret, and I wasn’t really that thrilled about it (it didn’t start out that way – I got a surprise!); caged because I kept thinking we were getting close to an understanding, etc. Nope, nope, nope. Hang in there. It comes and goes in waves but it gets easier.

      2. Oh SMH that circular in resolving conversation I remember it so well so glad I don’t have to feel the anger and frustration if it anymore.

Vent Your Spleen!

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