The Aging Narcissist – Part One


I am often asked about the effects of the advancement of time on our kind. I have written about how this affected one of my uncles, Robert and how I have laid plans to explain how his fate will not befall me. What, though, of how the advancement of time and aging impacts on our kind more generally? The standard question that is asked is whether a narcissist will get better or worse with age. As you might expect, it is not as straight forward as that as it will depend on the cadre of narcissist and the relevant school.

The Victim Cadre

All of our kind see ourselves as victims and will make use of emotional blackmail, pity plays and drives for sympathy as part of the narcissistic arsenal to further our aims, but one cadre of narcissist takes it to an extreme and relies on sympathy, pity and being cared for more often and more intensely and thus amounts to being a Victim Narcissist.

The Lesser Victim

Age will give the LVN more to complain about, more to point to and more to seek sympathy for. Used to already drawing his fuel primarily through the application of concern, sympathy and caring, he can look forward to getting more of this as time advances. As his illnesses become worse, his flesh weakens and his conditions become all the more debilitating he will rely heavily on gaining his fuel from his primary source who is likely to be his primary carer. Lacking the ability to seek fuel from fraternising with new sources, the LVN will look to have his fuel levels maintained by the primary source and a small group of family and friends.

He will be something of a curmudgeon, always complaining about his aches and pains in order to draw that fuel and will be seen as a burden. Lacking control, he will often erupt when he feels he is not being cared for and his physical pains become too great for him. He will have chosen most likely a Carrier Empath to shoulder this burden but if the primary source should ever escape, although this is less likely as the relevant primary source will have been selected for his or her quality caring and domestic attributes, he is likely to be moved to a care home where a succession of carers will be shunted between primary – non intimate – sources and secondary sources.

The LVN in advanced age will struggle to find a replacement intimate partner primary source if he or she is lost. This is because the LVN relies on solely his need to be mothered and looked after as his ‘selling point’. His own parents will be dead and therefore they cannot be promoted to primary source and he will lack the mobility and cognitive function to seduce a new intimate partner primary source. He can do this when younger, when his conditions are not as extensive and he finds that especially caring individual but when he is much older, he does not have this option. He has neither charm, money or intellect to draw a younger appliance to him and therefore the LVN runs the risk of losing the long-standing primary source through his rants and tantrums.

He will find himself trying to rely on family members, possibly brother, sisters or children, as secondary sources but none will be willing to adopt the mantle of primary source as they will have their own lives to lead and unless the LVN can sustain fuel from these secondary sources along with professional carers also as secondary sources, he faces a diminution in fuel which will add a further weakness to the physical and mental ones which have already amassed. Decrepitude is inevitable.

The aged LVN becomes even more unappealing with age. Furious at his limitations, unable to control that fury, but weakened from fuel losses, his is an unpleasant dotage. He will lash out at those who care for him, running the risk of isolating them and becoming the author of his own misfortune as he is visited less and less by a reducing pool of friends and family. If able to secure professional care, he will be regarded as a cantankerous and unpleasant charge for those caring for him who only do so out of a sense of professional obligation and therefore the fuel provided by these professional caregivers will be limited. He will invariably lack mobility and even access to technology is unlikely to assist through reduced cognitive function, diminished hearing and eyesight.

He will also have led a life which has been poor in terms of health and hygiene. He may well have issues with drink and will turn to this in particular as he slowly drinks himself to death, using it as a crutch against the cruelty of the world leaving him in this manner. He will sink into a routine of demanding his fix of drink or tobacco, caring not for the deleterious impact it will have, but rather needing the short-term boost it provides him with, oblivious to the downward spiral he has embarked on.

A combination of poor lifestyle choices, pre-existing health problems and the potential loss of a primary source caregiver, with other sources remaining away owing to the unpleasant, nasty and malodorous nature of the LVN means that they are more likely to face death in their 50s and 60s.

The LVN, unable to control his beast, will frighten away those but the most hardy and thus he runs a considerable risk of descending into decrepitude, alone, furious and unloved as his already shortened days come to an ignominious end.

The Mid-Range Victim

The MRVN follows a similar path to that of the LVN. Age will not be kind to him, increasing his discomfort, exacerbating his pain and making him rail against the unfairness of his situation. Whereas the LVN becomes the architect of his isolation by his inability to keep his fury under control at those around him, the MRVN has an increased cognitive function which he or she will put to better use.

The MRVN will retain some degree of charm, though nowhere near the standard of the greater, but he will be able to amuse and draw people to him, politely seeking their assistance with lowering him into the bath or rubbing lotions into his aching limbs. He does not like this reliance but has enough awareness to realise that he needs the assistance of others and he also has sufficient control over his fury to avoid lashing out in a fit of temper against those he needs to care for him

The MRVN stands a better chance of holding on to his primary source and also recognises that this person not only cares for him and thus provides fuel, but will provide a host of residual benefits and accordingly his machinations will mellow as he ages. He has enough acumen to recognise that having someone cook, clean and care for him as he ages is a useful trade-off for sticking with the same person. The likelihood of infidelity will diminish considerably from an already low point since Victim Narcissists have little interest in sex but rather use their general incompetence or impotence in that arena to garner the sympathy that fuels them. They have no need to be applauded for being a sexual Olympian when they can roll out a pity play for the inability to perform and blame it on some long-standing imagined fear.

As the MRVN ages there will be a lessening of the drama that once existed and with decreased energy levels he can no longer sustain the playing off of people against one another and instead focuses on just receiving their emotional attention and being cared for. He will use his moderate degree of charm to ask people to come and see him, pretending to take an interest in what the grandchildren are doing or how his favourite nephew is getting on with his new job. He will place a sprinkling of sugar in order to get those secondary sources to pay heed to him. The MRVN will make particular use of familial secondary sources during his dotage and indeed the primary source can witness a lessening of their burden as a ‘reward’ for sticking with the MRVN. If these mild charm offensives do not work however, what you will notice is that what fury is ignited will manifest as emotional blackmail and sulking as the MRVN coerces secondary sources into caring for him and visiting to provide fuel.

‘I am your father, not that it seems to matter to you, you haven’t visited me in two weeks.’

‘I will just sit here on my own shall I while you gad about, you selfish so and so.’

‘Old Bill gets plenty of visitors so I am left wondering where mine are.’

The family and friends of the MRVN can expect such spikey comments to be made in telephone calls and messages for the purposes of emotionally blackmailing those sources into providing fuel.

The MRVN will ensure he is well-cared for with a motivated primary source and plenty of secondary sources, galvanised through the carrot of mild charm or the stick of emotional blackmail. He is unlikely to struggle for fuel and recognises the considerable advantages of keeping onside the primary and secondary sources for the residual benefits. He is not as short-sighted, either literally or figuratively, as the LVN. For the most part, his demeanour will improve, save for occasional sulks and silent treatments, but these will not be as prolific as when he was younger. His old age will be comfortable for him as he is content to settle into the routine of being cared for and given a reasonable level of fuel , able to recognise his limitations and control his fury, for the most part. Those around him will find the occasional period of self-centred sulking and demands for assistance, but will most likely find him to be less arduous that he was when was younger.

The MRVN will have taken a reasonably sensible course through life and notwithstanding his ailments and physical shortcomings, he will have sufficient charm and economic power to ensure that the autumn of his life is relatively comfortable, if restricted. He will confine himself to his ‘tower’ and expect others to attend on him.

The Greater Victim

This combination of cadre and school does not exist.

Part Two will address the Somatic cadre and the relevant schools applicable to that type of narcissist.

19 thoughts on “The Aging Narcissist – Part One

  1. Gifted Guidance says:

    I would like to read part 2, I am unable to find it. Please direct, thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Type “The ageing narcissist part two” into the search function and blimey, look at that, part two is listed as the second item!

      1. Gifted Guidance says:

        I still can’t find the aging Narc part 2

        1. HG Tudor says:

          So, I went to the search bar. I typed “The Ageing Narcissist Part Two” and lo and behold there it was, the first item in the search results. Surely this be witchcraft and bad magicks?!

  2. Presque Vu says:

    My 60yr old ‘father’ (he is my sister and brothers biological but took me on when I was 6 months old) is over from the US visiting.(This isn’t my step-dad – the one who beat me, he came later)

    I identify him now as a Victim Lesser. He lives in NY and we hardly see him. He’s staying with my sister who is a carrier empath.

    I felt obliged to see him but didn’t want to. My sister said he is frail and so I thought I would visit for them, not for me. I made it clear to him I am confused by our relationship, he hasn’t acted like a father to me or a grandfather to my boys. I said I would meet him in the pub so we could talk over a pint (he is an alcoholic).

    I spent 4 hours with him. We didn’t discuss our relationship once. Instead he talked about all the women he’s chasing, he’s in trouble with the DA back home for attempting to run over his girlfriend of 17 years as she is now living with someone else. He told me he will ruin her and has reported her to the DA/IRS/and anybody else he could saying she is cooking the books at various businesses.

    He’s ill, just had a deep vein operation and a knee replacement. He said he needs a woman to look after him. My grandparents are no longer living, my granddad passed away last year. So he has no-one now. He wasn’t interested in us kids growing up and now I’ve to play the dutiful daughter and care for him.

    The whole time I was with him, he was texting various women as well as chatting up the 20 something barmaid!! He delighted in telling me his hunting ground is the supermarket!! I swear *every red light, every flag, every ding ding warning sign I saw!!!!*

    I saw first hand the Lesser Narc behaviour as you described to the letter!
    I was prepared. He’s alone and angry, drinks and womanises. Has no remorse for anything, even moaned about clearing out my granddads house when he passed away because he had to do it by himself. My sister is blinded. Completely blinded. Even my mum to a degree so I sent her your Youtube link on this very article – I know she’s seen my message – I’m awaiting her response.

    He’s using my sisters beautiful caring nature and I want to explode! I will not show him fuel. I have told him I no longer want a relationship with him and nor does my boys. My sister was upset. funnily enough my brother relates – HG I feel you’ve totally guided me on this one – educating myself with your work has taught me that I can’t change him, I can’t bend over backwards for him either, and he will never be a father because he’s not capable.

    HG I owe you!
    Hopefully my mum watches your video and together we can help my sister deal with him.

    1. Anm says:

      Preque Vu, New York Narcissist are the worst ever!! I’m sorry you had to deal with these types of fathers 3x. Do you think that it is possible you could remove yourself to the point that youdont even know if he is dead or alive? If not for yourself, for your kids?

      1. Presque Vu says:

        Hi Anm,

        I’ve already emotionally detached, Yeah I’ve not been lucky on the father front. My biological dad didn’t want anything to do with me. He left my mum when I was born. Then she met NY ‘dad’.. at least I have my sister and 2 brothers from that relationship! Then the step-dad from hell…. i know i can survive and thrive from that relationship alone!!

        Thankfully my mum has found such a lovely man who treats her well and they have been married for over 20 years. He’s an amazing man and I love him like my dad. So it all worked out well in the end.

        But yes Anm, I plan on supporting my sister and that’s it regarding him. I blamed myself for a lot of years for the way things where… I know people say – oh HG this, and HG that… but I don’t think I’d be half the person I am now if I hadn’t discovered the superhero that is HG.

        Becoming self aware is making me change. I will not follow in my mums footprints regarding these types of relationships. I’ve had one. I can honestly say I will not have another. I’m stronger, wiser, emotionally aware, and weaponised. I have learned and lived for sure.

        By the sounds of it you have dealt with a NY narc too? Sorry about that! I feel your pain sister.

    2. Anm says:

      Presque Vu,
      Yes, my ex is a Narc from New York. I occasionally have to speak to New Yorkers for work, and dread it. I understand what you are saying. I came across HG’s work when I fighting the “emotional battle”. I still regularly read his work, look forward to his new stuff, and connect to the readers comments. Unfortunately, I am still connected to the ex new Yorker narc because of your daughter, so I understand your predicament.

      1. Presque Vu says:

        Anm you are armed now to deal with him. Educate your daughter too if she is old enough!!
        New York New York, if I can escape them there, I can escape them anywhere!
        You too :*

  3. Dagmar says:

    My 54 year old ex ( higher end of low functioning and on the spectrum ) just went off to the Philippines and got himself a 20 year old ! Now she had his baby and I guess it is happy ever after …

  4. Sphere says:

    Try a pillow. ( Joking of course)

    1. WiserNow says:

      Ha ha 😂 …that would be effective, at least until “medicinal empathy” is invented…lol

      1. Caroline says:

        It’s a shame that tasers leave tell-tale marks…

  5. Anonymous says:

    My narc seems to be a MRVN, but at 77 years of age he is having an “affair” with a 39 year old female who is married to an 80 year old man. I think she is a gold digger and possibly a narc, too. I think this is primarily an emotional affair, but it consumes his life and is like an addiction. This has been going on for over 3 years. So, HG, does this mean he is not a MRVN since he is still out there trying to prove himself?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not necessarily, I would need more information to provide an accurate analysis and therefore a consultation would be the most effective way of proceeding.

  6. Kensey says:

    95 yr old MatriNarc – “ Thanks for your token visit”

    1. WiserNow says:

      I can relate to this Kensey. My mother isn’t 95 yet, but she can turn around a genuine kind gesture with one comment and make ME feel like the guilty party, like I am the narc instead lol

      I often feel it’s a case of “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t”.

      In a funny kind of way though, my mother is now correct when she says things like “token visit” etc. In the past, I did things out of love and because I actually wanted to stay connected. Narcs will completely trash any feelings of love and true connection.

      So the honest reply your matrinarc deserves is, “Of course it’s a token visit. You’re a narc. What did you expect? You have destroyed any chance of a true and genuine visit that’s based on real love.”

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Oh. See, I was thinking more along the lines of:

        Thanks for not dying so I could get my token visit in! (In a cheery voice mind you).
        No? Just me?

        1. WiserNow says:

          Ha! That’s an appropriate (and funny! :D) response. It would be hilarious at times if we could be totally honest in response to a narc’s self-serving mind games.

          Also, since this matrinarc is still going strong and provoking others at the age of 95, it just goes to show they do not have the capacity to change their ways, even if they live to be 100.

          I hope that one day, someone will create a pill or something that eliminates narcissism. Wouldn’t that be nice? Hope springs eternal…

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