Why We Target You


When we set our sights on acquiring our appliances to fuel us, it stands to reason that we dedicate the greatest amount of time to the person who is going to be our primary source of fuel. Of course the amount of time dedicated to this depends on the relevant narcissist but all of our kind are looking for certain traits which are prevalent to empathic individuals.

There are certain core traits which exist in empathic individuals. Normal people will have some of these traits, probably not all and they will not have the traits to the extent and degree of an empathic person. Thus, this is why normal people are rarely made our primary sources. There are also traits which are known as class traits. These are the traits which appeal to the relevant cadre of narcissist, be that person a Victim, Somatic, Cerebral or Elite Narcissist.

The core traits are hugely important to us. Their existence provides us with the three key elements that we take from our victims. Firstly, these traits means that the fuel provision will be high because of their connection to the emotional output from the victim. Secondly, there are certain residual benefits that come from these traits which we want. Thirdly, by attaching ourselves to somebody who has these traits we can pretend we have them too. We do not have these traits. Therefore we want to take them from you to apply to our construct and pass them off as belonging to us. Since we are experts and copying, we do not have these traits for ourselves and we do not feel them, but we are able to replicate what they look like by studying how you behave, because you have these traits. We then apply this to our own behaviour in order to maintain the façade. This fools other people into thinking that we are honest, decent and loving. It also enables us to mirror your traits and reflect them back at you so that you think we have them also. This makes us all the more appealing to you and ensures that you are bound closer to us. Accordingly, identifying these core traits in our victims is extremely important. The more of these traits that you have, the better. The more of these traits that you have, the greater the likelihood of being ensnared by our kind. A combination of the core traits and the class traits appearing in the way you behave and act draws our kind to you. We sense and see these traits and lock our sights on you as a prospective primary source.

There are ten of these core traits. The ideal is to find a victim who has all ten core traits and exhibits them to a considerable degree. We would then also want them to exhibit the relevant class traits which match with the type of narcissist that we are.

The Lesser Narcissist is unaware of these traits but like a hungry wolf sniffing out food he can sense the existence of these traits and know that the person exhibiting them is somebody he wants with him.

The Mid-Range Narcissist recognises these traits as admirable traits for a person to have. He sees them as plus points in the same way as someone might regard someone who is interested in art, travel and classical music, as a good match to start dating. The Mid-Range knows that he values these traits but he does not know the fundamental reason why he is drawn to them.

The Greater Narcissist knows what these traits are and why they are important. He knows the function that they play, he knows better than anybody else how to detect them and the places where (“the hunting grounds”) people can be found who will have these core traits and also the class traits. The Greater can sniff out the existence of these traits and match the target to them before moving in to ensnare that person.

So, what are these traits? Well, here are five of the ten by way of example. It is highly likely that you will have all five of these traits and you will have them in significant amounts because that is why you were ensnared by a narcissist to begin with.

Love Devotee       – we require our targets to be committed to the concept of love. You want to find love, experience love, love and be loved. The idea of love is central to your existence and you truly believe that our purpose on this earth is to love others. Not only does this mean loving those around but above all else you believe in the fulfilment that arises from having that one special person who you are committed to, who you will do anything for and who you will make sacrifices for. The existence of love is a reason, to you to exist and therefore you must find it and once located, obtain it and maintain it. We want love devotees because your dedication to love often blinds you to so much else and accordingly by pretending to give you love we can hook into this trait of yours and it allows us to ensnare you all the more readily.

Compassionate – our target must exhibit compassion. This compassion must be mainly for us although we are content for it to be exhibited for other people and objects such as animals, in order to detect it. If we identify that someone cares more about animals and things and not people however we do not consider that this fulfils our requirement. At an early juncture, if we see evidence of compassion for animals it generally (but not always) follows that this person will be compassionate towards humans as well.

Decent – We look for decent people. People who are well-mannered, polite and understanding. People who have consideration for others, wait their turn in speaking, allowing others to take a slice of cake before anyone else, giving to charity and conducting him or herself in a dignified manner. Decency is an attractive trait because it tells us that you will adhere to certain standards and that you also expect us to do the same. This matters because we know that this is often indicative of the fact that you are therefore unlikely to give up on us when the going gets rough.

Moral Compass –  we prefer a person with a strong moral compass, somebody who would hand a wallet to the police with the contents intact if they found such an item in the street or they would alert the shop assistant if they were handed too much change. This person is monogamous and faithful and believes others should conduct themselves by a similar moral code. Again, this tells us that you are far more likely to hang in there once devaluation starts and our behaviour will offend your moral compass so there will be the accompanying emotional reaction and thus copious fuel.

Caring – an individual who will always look after somebody else. Whether it is through working to provide for us, running the home in an excellent manner, looking after us when we are ill and being concerned about our well-being, the caring trait is very important and must be evident in our primary source especially. Not only will this tell us that you will want to look after us but it also signals to us that when we begin the devaluation of you, you will want to fix us and heal us and therefore you will keep plugging away, trying to do the right thing. It also tells us that we can expect considerable residual benefits from you in terms of you looking after us, which accords with our view of how you should be, subservient and obedient.

33 thoughts on “Why We Target You

  1. MB says:

    NA, there are worst things one could be than a cat. In fact, I’m considering it for my next life.

  2. WriteItOut says:

    My husband has all of these traits. I’m sure she was powerfully attracted to him after the first time they talked or even before. He has a way about him and I am never surprised that women are attracted to him.

    I had pneumonia for a month while they were “dating”. He took care of me day and night, I was very weak and he would not have thought of leaving me even though he was involved with her. I am sure this was both extremely vexing to her as well as powerfully attractive…that he was such a tender and willing caretaker. It was just highly inconvenient that it was for ME, but she already had her plan in place to remedy that little detail.

  3. Presque Vu says:

    Dr, you dated so quick after your ex!
    I tried to! but after 2 days online saw so many narcs!! I would never have noticed them before without being educated here first.
    Took me 8 or 9 months to venture there, I thought I was ready but clearly wasn’t because once you see those red flags, you evade.

    Being a doctor I should be more trusting in you, but you give me red flags in how you speak and describe your life.

    I question everything now.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Presque Vu,

      You are entitled to feel however you want. I actually encourage you to not trust people just because they say they are a doctor. If there is anything I have learned was to not let my own bias’ get in the way of my decision making. I was in a relationship that was a like for 3 months. Although I am depressed and hurt …I am not destroyed and that person I thought I cared about never really existed – it was a lie. The things he said and did to me at the very end were unforgivable and cruel. The things I found out about were pretty twisted as well. I was able to easily detach this time around but I didn’t want this experience to stop me from trying. I spent enough time grieving over the person he never was. I’m still hurting but I don’t want to dwell and mope. I also need to distract myself – even though it doesn’t appear to be working that well because it is hard to find anyone that I find interesting.

    2. WriteItOut says:

      Harleen Quinzel is a fictional character.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I am a psychologist though…

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Doc HQ
          Thank god. Maybe you can convince me I’m not a real cat lol.

  4. KellyBell says:

    When the narcissist first sat down beside me on my commute, he leaned into me like we were already familiar. So charming and interested. In one conversation early on he said he would never date someone who wasn’t beautiful. He asked me if I would. I said, of course I would if I was attracted to other qualities in the person. He looked aghast at that. I thought it was amusing at the time, but now I realize he meant it. He thinks he’s beautiful. His main wallpaper picture on his cell phone is of himself. Once he was done charming me, he was cold, spiteful and distant. Every time I pulled myself out, he’d be sweet and warm. What a chore it must be for him. I know it was draining for me.

    Being with a narc is like when you’re standing with your feet in the ocean and it pulls you in. The waves toss you about and then spit you back out onto the shore. You stand up and straighten yourself out. Then you go back in because it looks so good… over and over, until you’ve had enough. It’s utterly exhausting.

    Is it exhausting being a narcissist?

  5. abrokenwing says:

    Yeah , i think i tick most of the boxes…

    1. NarcAngel says:

      How are you? I sense something. Is there anything you care to share?

      1. abrokenwing says:

        Hi NA,

        Yes , something very bad happened to me few months ago and I got very sick…but with the help from my friends, family, antidepressants,benzodiazepines and CBT therapy I’m getting better now.
        Thank you for asking.

        Hope you’re well too X

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Im sorry to hear that you have had a bad experience, but glad you are getting better, have support, and have dropped in to say hello. We are always here for you as well.

          1. abrokenwing says:

            I know… Thank you for caring NA.

  6. Jasmine says:

    HG, do you list the other traits? In a book perchance?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Sitting Target.

      1. Jasmine says:

        Thank you! I believe I have that one ☺ Shall have to re-read it!

  7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I swear the dating pool and people in general appear to be either completely balls to the wall batshit or boring and a fuckboy.

    I also firmly believe us empaths (no matter what flavor) are a dying breed….

    1. windstorm says:

      Gotta disagree with you there, Doc. Plenty of us empaths out there. We just aren’t flamboyant and attention-seeking. And quite a few of us stay deliberately in the shadows. We stay quiet until we see the need to step in and speak up. And I know quite a few very young ones – 1 to 6 year olds, so the upcoming generation seems to be coming strong. 😊

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I would love nothing more than to be wrong. I would love some hope. In general I see a lot of socially impaired young people. I think it has something to do with technology and how there is no real interaction anymore. These kids watch other kids on youtube play with barbies…it’s mind-blowing.

  8. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Yeah so my assessment of the date last night would be the following – everything is suspicious as fuck and this feels like my most recent ex minus the doctorate.

    The whole …I’m about one woman and the constant texting and calling and asking me to come over even when I said I was busy. The asking me to sleep over and making references to me being closer to work that way…..the vacation…the whole i was repulsed by my ex….

    oh and the friend who hit on me the next day told my girlfriend that my dude is very sex obsessed and talks about sex a lot…..

    awesome lol….fucking awesome….

  9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Damn, I’m like a damn magnet for disordered people.

    I decided to jump back into this whole dating thing and not let my recent experience fuck my world up and was talking to this guy who seemed pretty cool actually for about a week via facetime. We have a double date yesterday with one of my friends and holy hell the red flags were flashing away…I managed to extract the following from the friends and himself…

    The friends use prostitutes (it appears probably quite frequently) and switch partners sometimes….

    The guy I was on the date with said to me he does not use them yet surrounds himself with people who use them (kind of questionable duh)

    The conversation kept going back to sex (that’s fine doesn’t mean I’m giving you any of my goodies)

    The guy kept saying how we should hang out the next day and the next day and the next day and that I should sleep over and that it would be closer to work for me…(hell no – I see you asshole – you’re not getting my goodies or luring me into the similar situation I LITERALLY just got out of)

    Then he mentions going on vacation and taking a week off for him like SOON (wtf….sounds like my ex).

    He was saying how certain people were ugly and got a phone call that one of his employees (dude who is very young) was dealing with a situation at work where some girl employee supposedly miscarreid and left work to go to the hosptial and was asking the employee to get evidence in text messages that she never disclosed that she was pregnant and blah balh balh. The young employee who was 22 was uncomfotable and was like I don’t know what to do and no guidance was given and the dude i was on the date with was so cold about the thing and just didn’t handle the thing properly – didn’t provide solutions and quite honestly it wasn’t that kids job to do what my date was asking him to do.

    The friend who was hanging out with my friend got her number and proceeded to act interested in her and then in the morning said “your friend is beautiful” and got my number. He texts me and I screenshot this shit to the dude I was on a date with and he appears to be annoyed and surprised.

    I also forgot to mention he kept like low key trying to touch me – asked about his previous relationships and he told me he was married once for 9 mo and that the chick was very stuck up and nasty – that he never had sex with her because she repulsed him and hoped many times it would end but never ended it because he was afraid what other people would think…

    He also told me people thought he was having some kind of affair with his therapist who i found out later confessed her feelings for him and then he said he never saw her again….

    I could keep going lol……

    1. Jasmine says:

      Dr Quinn spouted, “Damn, I’m like a damn magnet for disordered people.”

      I feel your pain 💞 hugs

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Hey Jasmine,

        How are you? What is your narc situation?

        1. Jasmine says:

          I’m alive Doc… that’s about the sum of my days. Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I’m usually offline.- working on getting healthy.

          I haven’t seen the nex for a year++ (in a courtroom) The restraining order is about to expire… I’m getting nervous

          Thanks for asking 💞 I hope your situ is better! XO

        2. Jasmine says:

          PS.. I’ve been binge watching a lot of cooking shows.. last night they were making TUDOR pies!

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Hmm…a Tudor pie…

            I imagine it as a meaty with sustenance pie in a buttery crust with just a hint of something that you cant quite put your finger on but that keeps you coming back for more. One that can sometimes leave you feeling heavy and somewhat uncomfortable after indulging, but in its ultimate satisfaction keeps you from indulging afterward in those heavily sugar-laden pies with no nutritional value and an addiction that can only lead to the ruin of your health.

            Surely that is a pie befitting the name.

          2. Jasmine says:

            Excellent description of the perfect Tudor pastry. I’d eat that pie! 😂

    2. SMH says:

      Question, HQ, why would you even stick around more than 10 minutes on a date like this? What kept you from leaving? It all sounds very juvenile.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        At first he seemed kindaaa okay like mehhh and I was with my girl and we just wanted to go out. As the night unfolded it got weirder and weirder – it wasn’t really that long to be honest with you. Juvenile would be a great way to describe it. I didn’t wanna be rude either.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I’ve never left a date after ten min even if I was in total misery because I don’t wanna be hurtful.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I absolutely hate hurting other people’s feelings. How they were behaving and stuff was ridiculous and everything just smelled like bullshit and was mind numbing but they didn’t get me irritated enough to feel like I could hurt their feelings or be like peace dude lol. I’ve always had that problem…

        I basically need to be irritated enough or offended enough to do something like abruptly leave a date.

        I’m like a softy but I’m certainly assertive when i need to be lol.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        The guy kept blowing me up and I just said I wasn’t interested – that we weren’t compatible.

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