Dear Not Sorry,
Not that you asked, but I’m fine. I’m off my knees and standing. I know that upsets you. I know that I will be punished. Is that why you stopped by? To remind me? Yes, I got your message.
I washed my car before the kids saw what you wrote. Once more, I blamed misfortune for the nail in my tire. You’re welcome. Not that you appreciate how I cover for you. Years of habit and now my default setting. I do it to keep the peace. I do it for the sake of the kids. Not that I like to admit, but I lie to me too. Not that I will confess… I do it to protect you. Not without regret.
Now my silence is protection from you. It is both a weapon and a shield. Not that I get to choose, that is up to you. How far will you try to push me? Will you underestimate me again? Not that you weren’t sloppy and over-confident. Not that you worry, but should. The kids won’t pay for you… not as I did… not if I can help it. Not that you understand a mother’s love, how could you? Don’t test it. Don’t test me. Don’t confuse tired for weak. Don’t mistake pain for surrender. Not that I wish to battle. Not that I didn’t prepare.
Not that you will concede, but love and respect are winning. The kids are healing. Fear and control don’t live here… the Anger Games are over. Not that you’ve noticed, but you’re playing alone. Not that it bothers you. Not that you know another game. Not that you want to learn.
Not that you can learn. Not that you can’t. Not that I’ll wait, but I’ll hope. Not that it matters for us. Not that I can go back. Not that I can move forward. Not that I haven’t tried. Not that I should have, but loved you. Not that my love was returned. Not that I wasn’t deserving. Not that I wasn’t enough. Not that you give a damn. Not that I can forgive you. Not that you even asked… not that I care.
Not Blind, Not Stupid, Not Crazy
Not Your Mother, Your Maid, or Your Prize