A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 83



Dear Not Sorry,
Not that you asked, but I’m fine.  I’m off my knees and standing.  I know that upsets you.  I know that I will be punished.  Is that why you stopped by? To remind me?  Yes, I got your message.
I washed my car before the kids saw what you wrote.  Once more, I blamed misfortune for the nail in my tire. You’re welcome.  Not that you appreciate how I cover for you.  Years of habit and now my default setting.  I do it to keep the peace.  I do it for the sake of the kids.  Not that I like to admit, but I lie to me too.  Not that I will confess… I do it to protect you.  Not without regret.
Now my silence is protection from you.  It is both a weapon and a shield.  Not that I get to choose, that is up to you.  How far will you try to push me?  Will you underestimate me again?  Not that you weren’t sloppy and over-confident.  Not that you worry, but should.  The kids won’t pay for you… not as I did… not if I can help it.  Not that you understand a mother’s love, how could you?  Don’t test it. Don’t test me.  Don’t confuse tired for weak.  Don’t mistake pain for surrender.  Not that I wish to battle.  Not that I didn’t prepare.
Not that you will concede, but love and respect are winning.  The kids are healing.   Fear and control don’t live here… the Anger Games are over.  Not that you’ve noticed, but you’re playing alone.  Not that it bothers you.  Not that you know another game.  Not that you want to learn.
Not that you can learn.  Not that you can’t.  Not that I’ll wait, but I’ll hope.  Not that it matters for us.  Not that I can go back.  Not that I can move forward.  Not that I haven’t tried.  Not that I should have, but loved you.  Not that my love was returned.  Not that I wasn’t deserving.  Not that I wasn’t enough.  Not that you give a damn.  Not that I can forgive you.  Not that you even asked… not that I care.
Not Blind, Not Stupid, Not Crazy
Not Your Mother, Your Maid, or Your Prize
Forever Yours,
Not Really
Love always,
Not Anymore

11 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 83

  1. Deborah Lowder says:

    Down to the nail in the tire. Thanks for writing my letter

  2. Just Me says:

    HG, thank you for posting my letter. It has been a while, but I am still here reading. A bit wet and a bit sea sick, but I have reached dry land. Your work has helped me become the captain of my own life. With all my gratitude, Just Me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  3. mollyb5 says:

    I hear you , deeply.

  4. Blank says:

    Not anymore, I’m glad you found a way out and I sure hope the bullying will stop. I wish all the best for you and your children. xx

  5. Empath says:

    Hi HG

    I am new to your blog and your work, but have been in intensive study of sociopathy/narcissism since my relationship ended-to help me understand his bizarre behavior during and since the relationship ended. I do find your frankness a bit harsh but definitely full of truths.

    The guy I was involved with had a completely made up identity…I guess they all have one, but I mean he used an actual fake identity for over 5 yrs. So in that regard, once I learned the truth, accepting he was an illusion was probably a bit easier than what some victims go through. Had I known him by his real identity I think it would be much more difficult. I am completely NO CONTACT although there have been at least 4 hoovering attempts, it ended almost 6 months ago now.

    Anyway, everything I have read leaves me with a question…I would like your spin on it. Despite the love bombing, pathological lying, cheating with both men and women, gas lighting, etc., that came out once we ended, this man never did was steal from me. In fact, he was quite generous. I believe I was beginning the discard phase as I saw him less and less frequently the last yr and a half, but even then he continued to purchase things for my home and help me around the house, and take me out (but not as often). He also never became violent, never actually saw him angry-but he most definitely was emotionally abusive. I figure he was grooming the new primary source near the end.

    Instead of a high level IT Security specialist with a Master’s degree, he was a maintenance man at a nursing home and had never went to college! I realize he did NOT have the income to support what he was spending on me, much less the other fuel sources. I figure he has some sort of illegal con ongoing but I never learned what his other income sources were.

    I wonder if you had any thoughts as to why he would have been generous throughout? It is the only thing that does not fit. And he never once asked me for money. I don’t have much and was always clear my money was for my kids, but he had my social security number and even my pin for my bank card for a short time (and a key to my house), I probably would have even loaned him a small amount if he had asked. So far he has not created any financial hardship-the police are astonished. He definitely crossed some lines legally so I have a detective assigned to my case.

    I am committed to no contact and it doesn’t matter but it just doesn’t fit. I would say despite his lack of success and failure to maintain steady employment he is a very high functioning sociopath. He even had people that stood in as fake family members, never missed a beat even when there were situations hard to explain, was great at forging documents and photoshopping…even had a rental house for a fake residence. Even his own family was fooled (siblings), they had no idea he was capable of this sort of behavior.

    Anyway, thank you for your insights. Enjoying your You Tube features. I have a therapist and am working through this experience, but as you repeatedly say, educating yourself about the disorder helps set you free-once your irrelevance in the relationship is revealed and you begin to accept it, the bonds do indeed start to break. Another thing that helped me to remain NO CONTACT was police involvement and the humiliation I felt regarding my friends and family; keeps me honest. I would be discredited and disowned if I ever got drawn back in. For now, I look over my shoulder, and continue to build upon my logic and acceptance of I was no more than an appliance. He has really tried to provoke a response but I have not provided fuel. No fuel!

    In Gratitude,


    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      1. Empath says:

        Do you have any comment as to why he was overly generous, even when I am certain I was no longer a primary source? Well, I guess I answered my own question, all part of the con. He never insulted me or verbally abused me in anyway as you describe, but he would disappear from time to to time. He actually encouraged me regarding my interests and career as well-never any criticism. This is the only thing that doesn’t fit. I never chased him, I always told him he was free to go if he lost interest because I would not ever cling to a man if they did not want to be with me. My focus has always been on my kids first. Now that I know what he is I wonder if he targets single moms for that reason-they are so distracted that they have no time to go verifying every lie they are told. I never once went to where he said he was working, he gave me a monthly schedule…I guess because he knew I was too busy to check. Because a few times I considered it, following him home or surprising him at one of his “clients”.

        I exposed him at the end, he was fired from his job since he was exploiting elderly residents, I exposed him to his wife and kids and he got divorced and I exposed him to his siblings, who had no idea he was a sociopath. He is now working in another retirement home, God help them. The vulnerable folks such as the elderly and empathetic single moms don’t stand a chance. He is both an con artist, entertainer and can fix anything. Like you, he is never going to be alone or unemployed for very long.

        Thanks again for the insight-my “fuel” to remain NO CONTACT forever-and to understand this hoovering attempts will continue until one of us are dead. I suspected that might be the case. It is important to be aware if that and accept that it will happen on occasion. The police will arrest him if he ever gets near me or my kids. All of his behavior has been documented with the authorities.

    2. foolme1time says:

      Empath as I have often suggested to new and old bloggers, a consultation with HG will give you the answers that you seek. It will also give you peace of mind! Be good to yourself! Your were conned just like the rest of us. Take care! 🌻

  6. IdaNoe says:

    Awesome Beautiful Poetic!

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