Does the Narcissist Think About the Disengaged IPPS?

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I know that when I have disengaged from you that you will think of me more than anything else. This is all by design – be it instinctive (Lesser or Mid Range Narcissist) or calculated (Greater Narcissist).

Your mind becomes a whirling thought engine as the questions loom and dart about your mind like swooping spirits. Why did he do this? What did I do wrong? Where has he gone? Why won’t he talk to me? Is he with someone else now? How could he treat me like this? These questions and many of a similar nature remain at the forefront of your mind. They are exhausting as you grapple to find the answers, always achieving an unsuccessful outcome because invariably you do not know who has actually disengaged from you.

I cast you to one side, you did not leave me and cause me to apply an Initial Grand Hoover in order to bring you back under my spell. I saw no need for you anymore and therefore I was content to throw you on the scrap  heap, broken and spent, a broken appliance left to its own considerations and dwelling heavily on this cruel treatment.

One of the questions which charges around your mind as you try to sleep is does he think about me? Do I ever feature in his thoughts? Does he think about what I am doing? Does he recall the good times?  You wonder whether I am lying on my bed in a similar state of anxiety, mulling over what has happening. Your thoughts spill and tumble and whilst you want to dispel these memories you cannot help but want to embrace them, experiencing that bitter sweet sensation of both delight and agony –  of course this is being driven by your emotional thinking which is wanting to feed your addiction to me.

You try to get into a comfortable position hoping that slumber will soon drag you into unconsciousness so that the pain will evaporate, if just for a few hours. Yet, even the place you now lie in evokes the image of you and I coupled together, wrapped up in one another as we made love through the night, or at least you felt we made love. Did we actually make love to one another? Did I really love you? You know you loved me, indeed you still do, but what of me?

Yet again a question leaps into your mind. I am everywhere. You consider whether I think about the treatment that you have received and do I feel guilty for behaving that way? Do I have a reason for hurling you to one side so callously and am I wondering whether you are all right? Your truth seeking empathic trait is being seized on and corrupted by your emotional thinking. It drives you to want answers and you are left believing that such a driver is logical and should be addressed. It keeps the thought of me in your head, going round and round, question after question, ensuring that your emotional thinking is alive and surging.

Just as you hold onto the precious memories of the golden period you wonder whether I am similarly replaying them through my mind, recalling the wonderful times, the delicious things we did together. You can summon it all in such detail. The places we went to, the other people there, what day of the week it was, even the exact date. You remember what we wore, what we ate and what was said as the memories tumble through head. As the clock shows it is now closer to morning than it was to the evening, you wonder whether I am thinking about you in a similar fashion?

While you toss and turn in your bed which resembles a place to be endured rather than a place of comfort, I am fast asleep. From the moment my head touched the pillow I fell asleep free from thoughts about you. No imp sits on my shoulder jabbing me with a precious memory and keeping me from sleeping. Whilst you ruminate, cogitate, fathom and review, I am oblivious to everything. During my waking hours you do not invade my consciousness. There is too much to be done, too much fuel to extract as I deal with looking after and nurturing the new primary source of my fuel which replaced you. You have been deleted because you failed me (at least in my mind that is the case) and therefore you have erased from the record. The narcissism demands that. You are of no use to me and therefore you are erased, deleted, removed and wiped away.

Truth be told it was more of an overlap with both you and her supplying me fuel until the old stale trickle was switched off and dumped. In my mind you never existed. My fixation with the new prospect and her golden, delicious, potent fuel means that everything is focussed on her. Her seduction and the maintenance of supply dominates my mind save when I am extracting my fuel from the range of supplementary sources that I interact with throughout the day. I may drink from the mug you once bought me to recognise I support a particular football team but there is no flicker of recognition about you. I do not halt, cup in hand, halfway to my mouth and smile at that trip to the stadium when you insisted on buying half the contents in order to please me. It is just a mug to me but the tea contained in it and prepared by my new prospect is delicious and I tell her so. Her beaming smile provides me with that dollop of fuel as expected. To me it is just a mug bearing the crest of my football team. The link you had to that piece of ceramic has been severed and cast into the abyss. The narcissism demands that must be the case – your replacement governs our thoughts and actions now and therefore there is no need to be reminded of you, that is redundant and as effective and efficient machines, we reject the redundant, jettison the unnecessary and remove the failed.

I may still wear the jumper you bought me but I never consider that weekend away in the highlands when I complained about being cold so you purchased it for me. I may walk past someone who wears the same fragrance as you. I do not remember you as I smell it, not the way you remember me when you smell my cologne and you remember me next to you and that emptiness washes over you once again. I just think that it is a pleasant scent and carry on walking by. It is as if I have pressed delete and you have been erased. You never existed, your thoughts, words and actions all melt away. Your connections to me are severed, your presence eradicated and your memory denied. I have switched off that appliance and everything associated with it has been obliterated. We do not think of you because at this point we have no need to think of you. You serve no purpose to us and therefore remembering you and I is a redundant exercise and a waste of our time and energy. We must not waste anything and thus the instinctive impact of our narcissism ensures you are not thought of.

When we have disengaged from you and we have done so because we have a new Intimate Partner Primary Source we do not think about you. If you enter our spheres of influence by messaging us, ringing us, walking by us or even coming to see us, you can expect at best a cold and polite short moment of recognition before we move on and at worst a malign response to send you away in hurt and pain. You failed us – we no longer want or need you. You have been replaced and therefore you are stricken from our thoughts and should you ever invade our sphere of influences in another way, we maintain this rejection of you.

However, once the new IPPS enters devaluation (and this person will – that is a guarantee – it is just a question of time) well, then you become useful to us once again and our narcissism alters the record once again. This time you will be remembered, although if truth be told you ought to prefer that you remain cast into obscurity because in all likelihood we will be coming back for you in some form of other to draw again on our investment, to seize our property once again but solely for our benefit.

 

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47 Comments

  1. @Anm: thanks for the insight. I’ve known exN for 18 yrs so know him very well and vice versa and now recognise all the patterns in his behaviour. Went partial NC 9months ago with only email contact to settle a property issue, and full NC for 5 months now. Prior to that, I had never ever blocked him anywhere so I think that he is taken aback a little at my brevity. Still, he seems to ne triggered by something as over the past 3 months I’ve received 3 hoovers, 2 email wishes and today viewing my Linkedin profile. What next I wonder!?!?

  2. I don’t think I was ever his IPPS but keep telling me he’s not thinking about me. I need to keep hearing it.

    1. Joanne
      He’s not thinking about you. Until he is. And when he is, he is only really thinking of himself, so he is not thinking about you. He is only ever thinking about any fuel he can extract from you before he moves to another pump and then he is not thinking of you again. Repeat ad infinitum.

      He is not thinking of you.
      You asked.

      1. Thank you NA ❤️ This is what I need. No more romanticizing anything involving him. There was no love. There was no connection. He is an empty, hollow shell.

  3. What Happens when the new IPPS is getting devalued and the narcissist can not return to the former IPPS because he/she is in a new relationship? Does he/she stay away depending on what school?

    1. The former IPPS can still be hoovered though and the narcissist may well look to derail the former IPPS’ relationship.

  4. My life has gotten so much better with the guidance of HG… I stand on solid ground, 3rd emotional battle over and defenses built! Question to you HG I have blocked my ex wife so bad that she illegally moved states with our child and did not notify me against the divorce decree. Was this a unintended consequence or is she trying to completely delete me from her mind because I wasn’t giving fuel and causing wounds?

    1. She id seeking to delete you but this also caused an unintended consequence. I am pleased to read that my guidance has assisted you.

  5. Oh I bet you’re right!

    Question though.. i do the same….
    When it goes bad (and it always does), i escape-halt-delete. And *poof* they are erased.
    (Just no hoovering.) When I’m done, I’m done.

    …does this make me narcissistic?

      1. Leanne. You may not be a narcissist, but aren’t you curious as to why it always “goes bad”?

  6. I find this post very interesting and enlightening.
    If I am not in the mind of my narcissist much better, even if this is for the period of golden age of his victim …..
    I don’t know when the planets will traran in conjunction again, for a hoovering to occur, but my zero contact I think is very good and this can avoid it.

    As is usual in me, this time I’m going to upload a song by my favorite singer but this time it is addressed to H.G Tudor and all narcissists with love and affection …

    Fangoria
    What are you blaming me for?

    What are you blaming me for?
    Why dare you impose your morals on me and threaten me?
    What do you blame me for?
    What right do you have to judge, intimidate?
    What do you blame me for?

    Accusations you love to repeat
    without ton ni son and that leave a scar
    because you’re cruel, how is it possible that you like to see suffering so much?
    You blame me.

    And since when do you worry about others, what will they say?
    What do you blame me for?
    Who do you think you are to insult and denounce?
    What do you blame me for?

    Insinuations that I don’t intend to allow,
    without compassion and that I pull out of the root
    because it’s the law, it doesn’t even cross your mind that it ends like this.
    You blame me.

    It’s your opinion, it’s not the truth
    and it’s not my fault that everything’s wrong with you.
    I don’t owe you an explanation and I won’t justify myself.
    I won’t step back!

    I will do it for myself, for checking
    that being happy is a possibility.
    Because I refuse to be the victim I never was,
    I never consented to it and I’ll prove it to you.
    I will do it for you, to confirm
    that without lying your world will collapse
    and that fire that always walks beside you
    it’s not going to pass from here and it’s going to go out.

    You blame me.
    And where have you seen that one can slander no matter what?
    What do you blame me for?
    When did you decide to poison reality?
    What do you blame me for?

    Conspiracies that you just invent,
    for no reason other than a desire to confuse, to malmeter.
    and you’re wrong if you think I’m going down.
    You blame me.

    It’s your opinion, it’s not the truth
    and it’s not my fault that everything’s wrong with you.
    I don’t owe you an explanation and I won’t justify myself.
    I won’t step back!

    I will do it for myself, for checking
    that being happy is a possibility.
    Because I refuse to be the victim I never was,
    I never consented to it and I’ll prove it to you.
    I will do it for you, to confirm
    that without lying your world will collapse
    and that fire that always walks beside you
    it’s not going to pass from here and it’s going to go out.

    I don’t think I understand you, I don’t know if I want to try.
    and relive the past, change madness for the everyday.
    I am not and will not be the one to push you into the void
    I’d rather wait for you to jump yourself.
    Winning, losing, it’s so relative.
    It’s a mirage.

    Rediscover loneliness,
    I want to live the Big Bang theory
    and relive the darkness
    and decide that something has to explode.

    I will do it for myself, to check
    that being happy is a possibility.
    Because I refuse to be the victim I never was,
    I never consented to it and I’ll prove it to you.
    I will do it for you, to confirm
    that without lying your world will collapse
    and that fire that always walks beside you
    it’s not going to pass from here and it’s going to go out.

    [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1T1VwDQlvd4&w=560&h=315%5D

  7. HG, thank you for the expalnations and good advice. He is blocked everywhere but email, which is redirected to spam – can’t change the email now as it is business- related. Otherwise all social media and phones are blocked, so hopefully he’ll ease up on the email hoovers. Appreciate your writing and all the posts here!

  8. Dear HG: I am a former IPPS and have been NC for 5 months now. I have no idea whether or for how long ex UMRN has new IPPS, but I would assume so. During NC I have reveived 3 emails with wishes (B’day, xmas, other) that I did not respond to. All social media and phones are blocked. Why would he send me those emails when he gets no fuel?? In an email consult you confirmed that he is UMRN and is adept at gaining fuel – so why bother writing to me when I give nothing? Would appreciate your input.

    1. Well done on your no contact although those emails should be going to spam and should not be read. There was a Hoover Trigger and each time the Hoover Execution Criteria was met – your failure to respond caused minor wounding, but this fades over time, so the next time there was a Hoover Trigger, the HEC was again met (in effect he ‘forgets’ you failed to respond) so he e-mailed you again. There is evidently something which is causing the HEC to be met and I suspect it is because this electronic conduit of emailing remains open to him – you could close the email account which would cut off the electronic conduit and raise the hoover bar higher, meaning it is less likely you will be hoovered. Of course, if you close the email account or send his emails straight to spam (and do not look in the folder) you will not know that he has hoovered which will in turn keep your ET low and you would not even wonder why he has continued to hoover you.

      1. Excellent clarification, thank you HG! Ex UMRN’s emails do go to spam but I read the subject lines and it was clear they were wishes. Could the fact that the FR was around 15yrs (with all cycles) and that I have never blocked him anywhere be a contributing factor to the hoovers and HEC? Meaning he can’t fathom that I have actually institued NC.

        1. The length of the FR has a bearing with regard to your reliability as a fuel source, thus lowering the hoover bar. Furthermore, the failure to block means you are committing No Contact Suicide and lowering the Hoover Bar even further.

        2. Jess,
          Narcissist study you when they are in a relationship with you. If you were in a 15 yr relationship with anyone, but especially a narcissist, they will have studied how often you use emails, are you the type of person to block someone, what holidays mean to you, etc.
          I mentioned that my ex requested 10 times in 12 hours to facetime our daughter. This is an easy Hoover, because he has studied how I always have my phone close because of clients and family emergencies. I am pretty sure hoovering by dropping by my home unexpected is ruled out. He knows I am a Millennial, and I never answer my door for anybody- not even the police.

  9. Love the term ” thought engine.”

    You never think of us but we think of you. I still think of the narc(s) each day, even for just a moment but there is no pain. Only apathy, but that took years to achieve.

    I have never been able to welcome the idea of ‘jumper’ = sweater. I once had a fling with a British guy more than half my life ago who told me he liked my jumper. I was 20 at the time and I thought he was trying to be funny, as I was not wearing a dress.

    Yet, calling a dress a ‘jumper’ as if you jump in it. Or a ‘romper’ as if you romp in it? Oh anyway.

    Why am I seeing ads with Trump’s face on your blog. Off, off, eely tentacle! There is nothing between us.

    1. Here in England that is the name for a sweater or pullover. We call them jumpers. I don’t know why.. it’s took me years to find out that ‘bangs’ in USA is a fringe! Cannot for the life of me understand why the word bangs and why a haircut would be plural.. and here pants are underwear not trousers…but there you go.. 🙂

      1. Good to know FBM! I love to learn the differences in our language. I rock the bangs myself! But you’re right, fringe does make more sense.

  10. HG,
    I will be contacting you shortly for a consultation soon. I had a lot of legal fees to pay this week, so it will have to be in a few weeks. I have a quick question, and it may relate to this article. When I was with my Narcissistic Ex, he was so free spirited, and it seemed he hardly thought about me, even though we were in a “relationship”. Now that we have a child, seperated, and he has a malign obsession with me, his actions towards me takes a big chunk of his time and energy. I have followed all of,your advice, and have learned to be straight to the point and emotionless with him. During the holidays, I asked about what is appropriate in regards to gift giving to a Narcissist, and the advice was very good. My next question is,

    How much communication and contact is appropriate to allow the Narcissist to have with our 3 year old daughter when she is in my care?

    Today he requested to FaceTime our daughter about 10 times in a 12 hour period. I allowed him 2 calls. If I cut all communication, I’m afraid he’ll be spiteful. I also do not want to give him any fuel, and hope that he moves on at some point.

    1. The issue of co-parenting with a narcissist is a detailed one and is best addressed when we consult.

      1. Realmente tener hijos con un narcisista es lo peor que me ha pasado , xq comprendo que por ahora (al menos 10 años más ) no seré totalmente libre.
        Quiero a mis hijos como cualquier empatico en un nivel sobrehumano.

        Mientras me contento con rechazar HOOVERS y ver su reacción, y me deleito con ello ( quizá haya adquirido algún rasgo narcisista tras mi larga relación con él).

        Me asusto de pensar que me pueda convertir en algo como EL.

        Aunque no puedo implementar el contacto cero a causa de los hijos.

        Algún consejo SR. TUDOR?

  11. What if you get married? How would you keep something like that from your new IPPS? Like marriage would mean living together in same home. I don’t know too many women who wouldn’t be curious as ever about that room you said they are not allowed to go in. All it would take for me is a few glasses of wine a little boredom with you gone out visiting one of you IPSS’s for me to find a way to get into that secret room and have a look around lol. Sorry it’s just ever sense I read that about the statues all these different scenarios have been going through my mind.

    1. If one marries, they become the new IPPS, so the existing one becomes the former IPPS, thus that is not something that would be hidden.

    2. i feel that anyone who’s experienced this level of psychological abuse You gain a ‘new career’ and title: Detective… Its not a good thing. Fucks with your head and if years go by- then you lose connection w/yourself. Im speaking from experience and havent been able to be or feel 💯 for 12 years… Ive followed HG for maybe 2 years (here & there depended on where my emotional state was @ that time) and over last 6 months I’ve made MORE progress than previous 6 years w/unqualified therapist (tho she’s nice person- ironically toxic for MY Healing … Since I found H.G.Tudor … My prior shit storm life has been disolving & also has dragged me out of my inadvertent state of mind to feeling as if im almost 💯 ME 👸🏻
      as much as my memory recalls.
      either way- It took me 12 years since No Contact.
      whatever blog of H.G. ‘s you follow 🤔 I can 💯 guarantee You will relate to ‘something’ (trigger, trauma, unresolved night) triggers will be ‘just enough ‘ for your subconscious to deal w/Aftermath (you may not be aware is to come)
      After 2 yrs + 4 months w/Trauma Therapist Im told We havent even begun Trauma Therapy YET! I know traumatic shit I haven’t even dealt w/yet because its Albatross On My Concious Still !
      I can make this statement w/o ANY Doubt (finally freedom of mind has returned) If you’re here then you know…. Follow H.G. He will heal Ur Mind in healthy way -so You lose that unconscious ‘walking on eggshells’ mentality… as for Over Thinking – theres not enough Adderall But You can ease some of million self-doubts in your head. If your Anxiety begins to morph into Hyper State means its mutated into paranoid/delusional state. Not Good. H.G.’s brutal honesty has pulled me out of that. no drugs could of achieved that 💪
      Ive never claimed victim an have issues even saying it. but i did lose myself slowly over time, and wasted aware until i was gone one day when i needed my positive self talk to feel as if im Alive ie: im gifted occasionally w/ gaining self respect & self-Worth 🙏
      Im very grateful & humbled to everyone who posts along w/H.G. bcuz of Real People being Real!!! Im healing enough to almost Trust People again… but hey, Im able to admit My Trust in My Instincts is No Longer Over Analized By My Concious … Im Grateful… Im told that Im ready to begin actual Trauma Therapy 😐 wtf! Im good w/dealing w/past (majority) I wanna actually start Living Life! id like to do exciting things daily & work on Self-Esteem & Worth. ie: Putting my Skills & life tips into the Present, maybe enjoy little bit of what a normal relationship should feel like before my mind consumes my conscious … My Instincts are on point at a level Im proud of 💪 so Im onto the next one ☝️ (level that is) in therapy. Ive gotten more closure w/H.G. Tudor than last 8 years of therapy!!! thank u H.G.

      1. You are most welcome and I am very pleased to see the impact my work has had on your understanding and progress. Tell everyone you know.

      2. Cindy L
        It’s great to read that you are healing and feeling stronger. Your acknowledgment that HG and the good people here have contributed to it is both appreciated and an inspiration to others. Thank you for sharing that.

      3. Same here in regards to his work. I grew tired of the pathetic empathic looks from my therapist who had no clue what I was dealing with! If she said I’m sorry to hear that one more time I was gonna rush her and choke her out! 6 months and the only thing that got lighter was my wallet.

    3. SoR
      Your post reminds me that I read about a Serial Killer who kept body parts in a freezer in his garage. His wife was forbidden to enter the locked garage and had to use an intercom he set up. She wasn’t why he was caught either, so it can and does happen.

      1. Yeah that’s scary! I would probably get myself killed as well. I would be too curious. I know it.

      2. I’m not sure why…but your last few comments have been cracking me up 😂….ok I will get control of myself. 👍🏻

  12. But….HG….what if they created statues in their exes image and they have them in a room of their house? Do you still not remember them? In this case would it apply to you? Did they know you created these statues? Did they ever see them? Sorry I am so curious.

          1. Why didn’t you tell the new IPPS about the statues? I can imagine the negative fuel would be explosive. .. yikes

  13. Again this sounds like the narc in my life could have written this, although he does not write as well and would never admit he is a user and abuser. Have your old used appliances told you how they feel after you disengage? Is that how you so accurately describe what we feel? Or do you study the responses of other narc victims you know?

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