Do We Ever Listen?
You may not think it but we do actually listen to you. I appreciate that may seem odd because you think the way we act means we cannot possibly be listening to you. We take no notice of what you say because we still go ahead and do the same things that we have done before. We keep repeating a comment as if we have never heard your answer the first time around. You remind us about the time we are meeting and we turn up late or not at all. You could be forgiven for thinking that we are very poor listeners. The reality is that we are very good listeners. The difference is that we choose to hear differently.
When you are shouting at us, advancing your argument in a forceful manner we will be responding to what you are saying, usually with denial and deflection. We are not interested in what you are saying, we are concerned with hearing your feelings. We want to hear the strangulated and seething anger that manifests in your words because then we know (along with seeing your contorted and reddened face) that you have reacted to our provocation and accordingly you are providing us with fuel. If you are hurling insults at us, calling us names and berating our dress sense, weight and intelligence we are not wounded by these criticisms because the fact you are spitting with venom, shouting them in a rage or shrieking with delight as you insult us means you are providing the emotion that equates to fuel. The harsh names just dissipate because we are not hearing them. We are hearing the emotion of what is being said, that is what matters. You can devise the most original insult the world has ever know but if you throw it at us with emotion then all we hear is your emotional reaction. Have you often wondered why we are smiling when you are arguing with us? It is because you are giving us what we want; fuel. Oh and also because we know that smiling at you will infuriate you all the more.
We listen to you with considerable attention during the initial stages of the seduction. We ensure that every snippet of information, every morsel of knowledge that will assist us in seducing you and binding you tight to us is heard and absorbed, filed away in readiness for use at the appropriate time. Each time you reveal to us a new restaurant you have found or a new play that has just opened which you like we take notice. When you tell us about your friends we listen in anticipation of bringing them under our spell also. When we listen at this juncture you think we are attentive and interested in you. Indeed, we are and your reaction to this is to praise us, thus providing us with fuel, and to feel attracted to us, thus binding you to us. Our interest however is not as you would normally perceive because our interest is borne out of the use we can make of what you tell us, in order to further our own agenda.
We also listen to you to understand how our behaviours affect you. We listen to the praise and delight you gush forth and we note what we did that caused this. When we subject you to devaluation we soak up the fuel you pour towards us but we also listen to how it is affecting you. You tell us about how it hurts, how you cannot sleep, how you feel anxious, how you feel sick, how you are frightened, how you do not understand. We do not care how you feel but we are most interested in you telling us this. This forms feedback based on our various manipulations. As we gather the fuel from your tearful pleading we also ascertain how what we have said has had an effect on you. We listen to you explaining to us how you feel because we do not feel it ourselves. We need to learn from you in this respect. We need to learn so we can mimic is when the need arises. We need to learn that if somebody feels a sense of loss then they will cry. Accordingly, if we anticipate losing you then an appropriate reaction would be to cry. We have learned from what you have shown us and what you have told us. See, I told you that we pay attention to you. We also listen so we know just how effective our manipulation has been. Is what you are telling us explaining a minor degree of hurt and sadness or is it more substantial? We do not know ourselves because we do not feel sadness ourselves. That redundant emotion was either stripped from us or never allowed to develop in the first place. Accordingly, in order to understand what makes someone sad, a little bit sad or devastatingly sad we have to observe your responses and listen to what you are saying. We do not stand and listen because we are concerned and because we want to find a solution to your state of sadness. That serves no purpose to us at all. What we are doing is listening to the detail of your misery so we can replicate it. We can replicate both in terms of pretending we feel miserable when the occasion suits us and we also replicate it to make someone miserable for the purposes of control and the gathering of fuel.
It is through listening that we hone our manipulative skills. It is through listening that we learn all about you, what you like and what you dislike, what your hopes are and what vulnerabilities you have that we can exploit. Through listening we understand how you feel so we can mimic this. It is through listening that we are able to comprehend how you are affected by what we do. Yes, we spend a lot of time talking, telling the world about how brilliant we are and this is of course the way of what we are but you would be surprised at just how much we listen. Just because we may not be listening based on what youdeem to be important is does not mean we are not listening at all. Far from it.
Accordingly, next time you plead that we listen to you for once or that you beg us to “listen to what I am saying” you will find that we are and you will come to regret it.
16 thoughts on “Do We Ever Listen?”
Will a text calling them a liar/manipulator, telling them to go away and f off wound or provide fuel? I know texts are less potent fuel than face to face.
That’s interesting. And what if the IPSS discloses information to the IPPS? How does that effect the narcissist? Will you be painted black for betraying their trust and “smearing” them? TIA
The IPSS would be regarded as disloyal and painted black, yes.
This is a very interesting article. Since becoming more aware of how narcs operate, I can now sometimes see how intently they “listen”. When speaking to some people, especially people I’ve just met or don’t know well (sales people, acquaintances, strangers etc) I can see how they seem to focus very closely on my facial expressions and words. It’s fairly obvious when you know.
It also makes me remember times when narc family members would stare intently at times. I particularly remember when I was watching a very sad TV show and I was in tears watching the television. I looked over at my mother and she was just staring at me with a blank face and not looking at the TV at all. At the time, I found it strange, but I didn’t think much of it.
The perplexing thing is that my mother can either be very cold after hearing something tragic, or else she can be the most emotionally sensitive person in the room and can be very caring and attentive. In the past, I didn’t think much of these contrasts and just put it down to different moods. Now however, I find it difficult to understand that they come from the same person.
Is your mother caring, sensitive, and attentive only when it benefits her? As in when there is an audience of others? If so, then I see that as facade maintenance and not emotional conflict.
I see it as facade maintenance too. When it involves people that already know her well, it’s also emotional manipulation and blackmail. It comes down to her having control and getting her way. She doesn’t give a flying fig about anyone else’s real feelings or needs and her own responsibility as an adult towards them. She wants to manipulate their emotions in order to pull their strings and always get the upper-hand. That’s the cold hard truth.
The thing that had me fooled for a long time was that it’s very subtle and I thought it came from a place of real care.
I can see now that there are two different “realities” happening when dealing with my mother. Hers and mine. Hers is that she wants to rule the roost and get her way. She will ask questions to gauge weaknesses, use subtle emotional manipulations and pretend to care. My reality is that I believe in family values and I have an ingrained belief that close family members should be there for each other in difficult times. My innate belief tells me that’s the “right” thing to do.
I know narcissistic people mirror and mimic and manipulate their own children and they don’t deserve that loyalty. I have made changes and now feel more in control. I don’t fall for their tricks and don’t feel guilty saying no. I’ve gone low contact and I focus on my self and my logical thinking. It’s just that I still find it extremely difficult to change the part of my thinking that “reminds” me it’s my close family.
It’s messed up NarcAngel, and I can see that myself cognitively. Trying to be as objective as possible, I think there’s a variety of different aspects to it, including:
– emotional thinking: compassion for elderly parents who are ill, frail or need help, and knowing that they had their own difficult backgrounds
– self-interest: belonging to a family has benefits, including a degree of emotional and financial security, practical assistance and shared resources when needed.
– trust in some ways: your closest family knows you better than many other people and you know them. Sometimes it’s easier to “trust” them in a way simply because you’ve known them for so long, even though they are narcissistic. You know what to expect.
Thank you for your comment NarcAngel and for taking interest and lending an ear. It’s much appreciated. I’m sure you have your own thoughts and concerns regarding your own family, which you’ve talked about yourself. Our families shape us and our lives. That’s something we didn’t ask for, yet need to deal with for a long time. Thanks for listening and sharing your thoughts 🙂
They watch your every move. Never let them see you cry. Sad movies and TV shows are dangerous. The only time you can “get away” with crying is at a wake/funeral.
one thing i try to do with narcs is feed them fake info about me because they can then not hurt me as bad. they don’t know what i really like or dislike.
ALthough the best thing to do is to go no contact.
I have done that too. Sometimes it works , some times they catch on and see it as challenge fuel. Narcissist are very paranoid, and think people are always deceitful
Yeah they flip everything around like the most basic stuff is all twisted into some weird unrecognizable impossibility. Like isn’t it more likely my favorite color is green rather than whatever crazy shit paranoid fantasy of a reason he can come up with that somehow inevitably becomes proof that I’m an evil double agent.
The last narc i was with was was after I was reading (my homing beacon is to blame). I purposely withheld personal info, not even as much as I should have. I knew he was a narc and he actually said to me he didn’t fully believe Trump was one. I said Trump absolutely is and of course left out the rest of my opinion regarding himself.
He later complained to me about some relationship thing and I told him he has a fear of intimacy.
Staying detached isn’t really my thing. Unfortunately.
thanks. gReta point. it’;s also a waste of time creating fake stories. I need to go no contact