I Cannot Do This Anymore

I CANNOT DO THISANYMORE

 

I cannot do this anymore. You may have heard this statement from one of our kind. It is uttered with a weary resignation, a long sigh and a tired look in our eyes. The glorious countenance has vanished and been replaced with someone who looks defeated, crumpled and exhausted. The polish and shine has been dulled, the accumulative impact of what has happened now looks to have taken its toll on us and with a wave of the white flag we surrender.

But when we say “I cannot do this anymore” to what are we referring. What is the this? Straight from the off, as we utter this phrase, we have set a trap for you. Do we mean that we can no longer maintain the relationship with you, this topsy-turvy roller coaster of a ride? Have we given up on the concept of us and this is the death knell for our relationship together? You can already feel the anxiety crawling over you as you contemplate the import of this phrase. The days without us already beginning to stretch ahead of you, the multitude of questions which start to form in your mind, the whys and hows drifting through your mind, gathering momentum and troubling you. Is that what we are referring to? Can we no longer remain in a relationship with you?

Or is it perhaps something else? Is this an epiphany? Have we seen that our repeated abuses against you, through many different forms and occasions, is too much and goes against the good person you have always believed that lurks somewhere inside of us? You saw that person (or believed you did) for a long time at the outset of the relationship but he has been missing as of late. He has taken a holiday from these parts but surely it is only a holiday, because if it is this means that he will be coming back. He has gone but not forever. Perhaps this is him returned and with that moment of revelation and realisation, we have seen the truth of what we have been doing and through this we now know that we cannot continue to behave in this manner any longer. Is this what we mean when we declare the statement of “I cannot do this anymore”?

Which is it? You dread it being the former and hope that it is the latter. This might be the breakthrough that you have been seeking all these months as you have hung in there, buffeted and assailed by all of our terrible torments, but now you have come good, you have achieved your great reward. That must surely be what we mean.

You wait for us to elaborate but nothing more is said. We continue to look at you and you stare into our eyes. What do you see? Is it despair or is it hope? You cannot be sure. You are confused but you do not want to be. You want clarity and you feel an alternating sense of worry one moment and then resurgent hope the next. You wait, your expression set in expectation, urging us to flesh out this statement, to expand and to elaborate but still our silence remains. Are we gathering our thoughts before making the next great pronouncement? Is there more? Will it be a hammer blow which obliterates your hopes or that triumphant clarion call which signals that the war is at an end and peace has broken out? Is this the very thing that you have dreamed about?

You wonder whether you should press us or would that affect the outcome and bring about a volte face? You have experienced enough of those during the tumultuous experience that is your union with us. Perhaps you are better served waiting and allowing us to express ourselves, but you need to know, you want to know. You want to know if you should commence your reasoning to ensure that the relationship is at an end. If this is to be the outcome, then you need to commence your bid for its continuation without delay, not least to stem the churning anxiety which is threatening to overwhelm you. If it is an end to the abuse, the games and the mis-treatment then you want to congratulate us on breaking through that final barrier and achieving the insight you have longed for, for such an extensive period of time. You urge us with your eyes to add to the comment, to help us over the finishing line and in so doing end your own uncertainty, but there is no more. We just keep looking at you.

This is where we like to position you. Gripped by uncertainty, emotions churning through you as we milk them through you all through one comment. We can see it all in your eyes, your frozen stance, the hunched shoulders, the clenched hands, the mask of uncertainty that is strapped to your face. In turn we see the hope, the worry, the optimism and the fear flickering through your eyes and as usual we are sustained by this nourishment. Those words have provoked this reaction in you, the emotional response pouring our way, even though it is silent and immobile.

If you eventually breach this impasse and press for more details, expect to be led by the hand into the maze of ambiguity, double-meaning and obfuscation. Your questions will be half-answered. Your queries will be met with more silence, an unwavering look as we force you to try and work it out. Morsels of encouragement may be provided, like breadcrumbs along the path as we lead you deeper and deeper into the maze. You continue to fuel us as you think you are being taken towards the answers, admitted into our confidence and shown the inner sanctum of our thoughts, but no, all we are doing is taking you into the bowels of our tangled forest where you will be caught on the thorns of unanswered questions, tripped by the vines of vagueness and blocked by the twisted branches of bewilderment.

Do we mean it when we say this phrase? It is really the case that I cannot do this anymore?

Of course I can. I can keep doing this forever because as I have mentioned on many occasions this is forever. Yes, there will be times where I will disappear. Yes, there will be occasions where I am good to you again, then bad and then good. The purpose of saying this is purely to upset you. I have no intention at all at leaving you. Why would I when you give me so much wonderful negative fuel through the period of devaluation? Why would I when you provide the delicious positive fuel again when I allow a period of respite and the application of the golden period again? I am going nowhere but it does not harm to suggest to you that I might. It keeps you on your toes and ensures that I am able to exert control over you. I keep you guessing, anxious and confused and I also ensure that your fuel keeps flowing.

I also say this to make it sound like what we have is arduous and horrible. It is for you because I treat you badly but this is enjoyable. I get to do what I want, I am never wrong and you have to bear the brunt of my shocking behaviour towards you. It is a playground for me and I am not going to give that up. Never. Still, I want you always one heartbeat away from thinking that I am going to walk out on you, that you are not doing enough for me so you will try harder, you will avoid the egg shells more effectively and you will keep on trying and trying to please me. This is a great way of controlling you by threatening you with the loss of me although it is never going to happen. By a similar token, I want you a breath away from thinking that a breakthrough has been achieved, that I have seen clarity through the fog of malevolence and realise that this abusive treatment, this game-playing and inventive fabrications are at an end. You keep hoping that day is just around the corner, so you remain locked into your investment with me and you dare not give up, not now, not when redemption might be a week, a day or an hour way.

Accordingly, it you hear this, do not think that I am going to leave you. I am not. Do not think that I have realised what it is that I do and that it is wrong and must be stopped. I may well realise, but I will not stop.

I am just continuing to control you and seeking a reaction from you.

Of course, you are forbidden from ever saying these words.

22 thoughts on “I Cannot Do This Anymore

  1. crystallineperspectives says:

    Everything has an agenda and even listening to the long winded manipulative pleas of a narcissist mean you again fed them your precious light.
    Hence why I read only the first 3 and last sentence of this ….. and even not completely reading the article has meant victory for a narcissist because they gained my attention and energy for the time it took to read four sentences, click like and write a reply.

    You see
    I’ve lost again
    And really it’s apparent that I must be gaining something out of wasting my time and energy or I would simply stop feeding soul eaters.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Crystallineperspectives
      Perhaps it would be less a waste of your time if you could alter your perspective a bit to actually read the articles with the goal of gaining insight into your own situation and why you feel the way you do. Or not. Your choice what you do with your time.

      1. crystallineperspectives says:

        I used to read them. For years! Then I realized they all say the same thing over and over again and that I get it and am in fact only giving more of my life and energy to what I’m done participating in by ruminating, concentrating, wondering etc… about why and how a narcissist tics how they tick ! The fact is that while the years I spent understanding them were essential but that true healing comes when the focus is taken off of them and put on myself, why I indulge such personalities, why I am comfortable with the lies, games and abuse. When I shifted my perspective to me I realized that I was accustomed to, comfortable with and programmed to participate in these types of relationships because I was raised in the same toxicity. Anything that seemed better than my childhood felt as if I should be grateful. I had no idea how a healthy relationship even looked because I’d never seen or experienced one. So I stopped ruminating in them and started reparenting, reprogramming and redirecting my own life as to become more of who I would have been had I experienced healthy, safe and loving relationships. Just happen to still have this on follow from my detective mode days of trying to understand them and as I’ve grown these articles and how the narcissist constantly points out how unbreakable and unbeatable and just so damn clever their kind are … well…. it makes me laugh a bit now to think I spent so much time playing a puppet when really…. if any good empathetic person decided to turn the tables…. a narcissist could quite easily become the puppet with plenty of praise and no emotional reaction to feed them unless ya wanted to of course . Healing happens when you stop giving a shit about why someone else did what they did and you focus on why you tolerated it and work on that.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Hi CrystallineP
          I understand now (from your 2nd post) and agree with your point about healing being accelerated once the focus is shifted from the narcissist to us. It is a process and as you point out – you first want to know all about them and how they work, then it shifts to how you can best navigate to either deal with them (work, family situations) or GOSO, and then often it turns to looking inside to see how/why we became entangled in the first place because we now see them as not so powerful as we once thought them to be.

          That’s why I was confused about your saying (in your 1st post) that your time was wasted and that they have won by you reading or listening because it appears that is exactly what lead you to be in the place of understanding you are at today. You may not see a benefit to yourself in continuing to read, but often people continue as a reminder to remain vigilant against it happening again.

          I am happy to read that you have found success for yourself and absolutely reinforce what you said about shifting focus to yourself over allowing them any more power over you.

          1. crystallineperspectives says:

            I do know some just cling and cling and focus and focus outside of themselves. I comment about the waste that is hoping it will ping someone in the healing isn’t in this frequency. 😂

            Thanks for the supportive words.
            Blessings 🙏🏻 and Freedom to you always

      2. lisk says:

        crystalline,

        Are you sure that healing “happens when you stop giving a shit about why someone else did what they did and you focus on why you tolerated it and work on that?”

        Healing from narcissistic abuse, in fact, begins to happens with knowledge.

        While I do agree that dwelling on the narcissist can be regressive, I do think it’s important, at least for me, to KNOW what I tolerated BEFORE I can work on myself.

        I would not be able to work on myself, and WAS NOT able to work on myself, while I was in the post-discard daze, while I did not know what the hell happened to me AND while I blamed the discard ALL on myself.

        Please note that No Contact for me, prior to reading HG’s site, was ALL about using it as a tactic to “win your ex- back.” No Contact for me now involves staying far, far away from the narcissist plus reading HG IN ORDER to keep focused on myself.

  2. Boofhead says:

    Are you not ever worried that one of our kind will change; that we will infact inflict that which you say is impossible for us to carry out and end this all?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Define ‘end it all’.

  3. Kelly B says:

    In the golden period you won’t hear this. Just later “I can’t do this anymore.” So and so says this and that. I felt so anxious and not good about myself.Who the hell did he think he was. I was so tired of hearing it. I started to curse him out. I gave him so much fuel to load a battleship out to sea for months.

  4. HeyokaMuse says:

    This is an excellent blog post.. I like the “I cannot do this anymore “statement. I had a narc like that years ago. It does make you wonder what you able with them is so horrible and makes you second guess yourself!!!

  5. Marie says:

    HG…
    Can I ask, I borrowed a huge sum of money to him.
    I was seeing him for 2yrs.
    He told me he was separating assets from his ex girlfriend although they were sharing the house still.
    After pleading for the money for months I eventually contacted his girlfriend and asked if they are indeed seperating and dividing assets. She said no!!!!
    I’d been conned. He called me up and threatened to do all kinds of horrendous things to me.
    He is currently blocking me on WhatsApp and unblocking me every few days.
    Will I ever get the money back.?
    Why does he ignore my messages and then block me, only to unblock me a few days later only to block me again??
    I don’t get it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Marie and welcome. I can assist you with your questions and guiding you with regard to a way forward. I do need more information from you in order to give you accurate and helpful advice and therefore I recommend you book a consultation with me.

      1. Marie says:

        Hello HG, how do I go about a consultation and what is the cost in doing so?
        You can email me direct and we can discuss this.
        I need an end to this nightmare I’m in.
        It’s sending me insane.
        Many thanks.
        Marie x

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Please see the menu bar, it is all in there.

    2. Lori says:

      He wants to see what you might be saying or doing in other words watching you to stay ahead in the game

      Prepare yourself to never see a dime. If you get back great but you likely won’t

      Just know that decent people don’t borrow money from a new love interest while allegedly separating from another one. They don’t

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Lori

        “Just know that decent people don’t borrow money from a new love interest while allegedly separating from another one. They don’t”

        A hundred likes. When I see people saying they loaned the narcissist money under these circumstances I see a type of manipulation by the empath. I see that as trying to bind the narcissist to them under the guise of kindness despite whatever they tell themselves.

      2. lisk says:

        So, NarcAngel, you’re basically saying that manipulation is a two-way street when it comes to the narcissist and the empath?

        If so, I would have to agree.

        Has HG ever overtly discussed the details of this two-way manipulation?

  6. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G.Tudor…
    You know, as I read your post, many forgotten memories surface again. As you like manipulate. Today, for example, I remembered a defamation that poured on me. But well, nothing happens.
    And speaking of nothing happens, today I share with you a beautiful song that comes to me as a ring to the finger and that more than one person will be able to see reflected in the lyrics …

    Nothing Happens
    Ha*Ash
    I liked you for being decent and reverent, for being smart.
    You beat me because you’re respectful when it suits you.
    You caught me because you kiss like no one else in this world can.
    You left me when you got what everybody wants.
    But it’s okay, it’s okay.
    I’m going to hold on, while you laugh out loud.
    How wrong, I was just looking for love
    While you were playing with me
    I’m going away and you’re going to scrub.
    It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
    I’m not claiming you.
    It’s my fault for turning myself in
    And your guilt for not having spoken to me clearly
    And if they ask why we cut
    I’ll tell them to look at the size of your shoes.
    Ooh ooh ooh
    Rather than a coward.
    I will face the consequences of my decisions
    I’ll grow from mistakes, but how it burns
    I was only wrong to give you
    My trust, my hope, my passion
    My time, my body
    But it’s too late
    But it’s okay, it’s okay.
    I’m going to hold on, while you laugh out loud.
    How wrong, I was just looking for love
    While you were playing with me
    I’m going away and you’re going to scrub.
    It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
    I’m not claiming you.
    It’s my fault for turning myself in
    And your guilt for not having spoken to me clearly
    And if they ask why we cut, ay
    I’ll tell them
    It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
    I’m not claiming you.
    It’s my fault for turning myself in
    And your guilt for not having spoken to me clearly
    And if they ask why we cut
    I’ll tell them to look at the size of your shoes.

    https://youtu.be/u7rTroCsmCY

  7. Leslie says:

    Dear HG,

    You explain the situation very clearly. Your candour is appreciated. Please include ways to respond in order to reclaim our personal power.

    Regards,
    Leslie

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Leslie. There are articles throughout the blog which explain how to address certain situations and of course my books, especially Escape, Exorcism and No Contact provide you with fundamental tools to apply.

  8. Bekah B says:

    HG,
    Would all of the things you described in this article be the thoughts and beliefs of a mid-ranger? They lack the awareness of the greater and are said to perhaps say this kind of thing out of instinct.. So if they do, they wouldn’t really have the notion that they enjoy displeasing their source and causing them to produce negative fuel, would they? They wouldn’t leave, would they? ….. Or they would because they lack that awareness and just leave out of instinct?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not all, no.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

You’ve Changed