The Revision of History
You are no doubt familiar with the quotation
“History is written by the victors”
to explain that those who triumph then re-write what has happen to accord with their new-found supremacy. We bastardise that quotation. We re-write history in order to ensure that we are the victors. We love to win. We hate to lose. It goes further than that. It is not just about wanting to win, loving the fact that we are winners but we need to win. It is imperative. This need to win manifests in numerous ways, which include:-
Always being in receipt of fuel;
Being the centre of attention;
Having our say first and for longest;
Making sure we are heard above all others;
Getting the latest gadget or piece of technology ahead of our friends, family and neighbours;
Having the most attractive spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, partner amongst our social groups;
Having the best suit and tie;
Being the most senior at a meeting;
Earning the most out of our peers;
Having secured the best career out of those we went to school with;
Being the best at running, football, archery, chess;
Knowing the most about a particular subject;
Offering the best wine at a dinner party;
Securing the best seats at a theatre or a restaurant;
Being acknowledged first in a group;
Bench pressing the heaviest weight in the gym;
Having the best sound system;
Knowing more famous people than our friends;
Securing tickets to a sold-out performance;
Winning the argument with anybody who tries to challenge us;
Ensuring our partner puts our needs ahead of theirs;
Getting served before anybody else;
Being able to drink the most at a party;
Ensuring everybody respects our “quiet time” when we are watching a film;
Having the most exuberant birthday bashes.
There are of course so many more. Not all of these are always applicable as for instance a Cerebral Narcissist will have little interest in ensuring that he can bench press the most weight at the gym and the Somatic Narcissist is not at all bothered about being the local expert on the history of the town in which he lives, but each and everyone one of our kind will want to and need to, secure the win.
This need manifests in the lengths we will go to so that we achieve the win. We will boast, brag, manipulate, blackmail, coerce, cajole, sabotage, nobble and bribe our way to the win. Nothing is off limits. If I can emotionally blackmail a friend into ensuring I sit in the lead funeral car with the family ahead of any other friend of the family, then I will do it. If I need to delete the files from a competitor’s computer at work, so be it. If I need to ensure that I have control over you in our relationship, so I win repeatedly, then I will unleash all manner of manipulations form my Devil’s Toolkit in order to make sure I win, win and win again.
The revision of history is one such tool that our kind deploys on a regular basis to bring about the win. Let’s look at some examples of how that appears.
Imagine I am at the bar with some of my inner circle friends. One of my friends, someone who has served a purpose from school, brings up the occasion of the 100 metre sprint from the school athletics championships.
“Hey HG, you ran a great time that day and you were only just pipped to the gold medal by that dude from LRG weren’t you?”
“I think, Michael, you will find that I pipped him to the title.”
“Really? Are you sure? I thought he beat you.”
“No, I beat him.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely, I was actually looking back through my results at the weekend when I was clearing some boxes from the loft and I was remembering how close the race had been but how I had overtaken that dude and beat him, narrowly true, but I beat him all the same.”
“I could have sworn it was the other way around.”
“No, you are wrong. I checked the times. I beat him by 0.2 of a second.”
“Oh I see.”
“Yes, he was gracious in defeat but I suppose you have to be when you don’t win, eh Michael?”
Michael nods and accepts my point since it was said with authority and the backing of a recent review of the result.
I actually did come second but I am not going to allow Michael to point that out in front of these inner circle friends. I rewrote history to ensure that I proved a point to him and ensured that I was held in the proper regard by those listening which in turn provided me with fuel.
2. Now consider a conversation between a primary source and me.
“Where have you been?” asks the primary source.
“What do you mean, where have I been? You know where I have been.”
“No I don’t.”
“Yes you do, I told you last week.”
“No you did not. I have been wondering where you have been, I was getting worried.”
“Well that is your own fault, I told you last week that I was going out this evening.”
“No you did not.”
“I did, I remember specifically. I was searching for my shirt that I wanted to wear, you know the blue one which I bought recently, but you wouldn’t help me look as you were watching some television programme. You asked why I wanted the shirt and I said I wanted to make sure it was clean and ironed because I was going out with Nathan and Paul.”
“I dont remember that.”
“Well I do.”
“I really do not remember you telling me you were going out.”
“You probably didn’t take it in, after all you were pretty engrossed in your programme.”
“Anyway, what’s to eat, I am famished.”
I never said anything about going out but I will re-write history to make it appear that I did so because this frustrates you, avoids your attempt to blame me and allows me to maintain superiority by being right.
3. I am sat with a primary source in a restaurant.
“Isn’t that that woman who was obsessed with you?”
“Where?” I answer.
“There, coming through the doors, what is her name again, beings with an A I am sure.”
“Who? The lady with the short brown bob?”
“No, next to her, the one with long blonde hair.”
“Never seen her before.”
“Are you sure, she looks like that woman you pointed out to me.”
“No, I don’t know her.”
“It is a damn good likeness if it is not her. It is her, she is coming over.”
The blonde woman comes to our table.
“Hello,” she smiles at me ignoring the primary source, “fancy seeing you here.”
“Sorry are you talking to me?”
“Yes, hi HG, how are you?”
“I am sorry do I know you?”
“Yes we worked together.”
“No I am sorry, I don’t remember you.”
Her downcast expression provides me with fuel.
“I was in the team that worked alongside yours. We went to Singapore, do you not remember?”
“You might have worked where I worked but I don’t know you, sorry, but if you wouldn’t mind, we are about to order. Waiter!?”
Puzzled and upset she slowly walks away and I savour her fuel.
“She definitely knew you,” presses the primary source.
“Seems that way, but then I am well known aren’t I?” I answer with a self-congratulatory grin. I am pleased to have rebuffed Samantha who I know full well but it suited my purpose to rebuff her. I know she will try and contact me again to prove she knows me and then I just may re-write history again to confirm that I do. Of course, when I do, I may re-write that I had forgotten who she was.
We engage in this manipulation in order to exert control. It allows us to confuse, bewilder, upset, brag and thus maintain fuel. We will re-write history so that we avoid blame, gain kudos, claim achievements that are not our own, make us sound better at what we have accomplished, to evade liability and ensure you are confused and puzzled. It comes within gas-lighting as you start to find your memory is fallible. We have no hesitation in confirming something happened when it did not, we will change events, add things and take them away so long as it suits our purposes. If you present us with some independent evidence that contradicts us we will not shift our position in terms of maintaining history is how we decree it. Instead, we will unleash an alternative manipulation in order to deflect and deny your attempt to challenge our version.
Even the most obvious of events will be erased, amended and added to. Nothing is safe from our treatment of how things were. If it serves a purpose for us to alter history one way or another then we shall do so.
How do you deal with this?
As ever, state you position the once so you know you have stated it and then move on. The re-writing of history is designed to draw you in to an argument, make you try to convince us that you are right and we are wrong (although you will fail), to make you erupt in frustration or anger or tears, to bewilder you so that you keep accepting we are correct, so little by little you eventually always accept what we say and submit to this particular mind game.
Conversations will be recalled in a different manner. People who did not attend will have attended whilst others vanish. Events play out in a different manner once they have been subjected to this treatment.
It is all part of securing the win.
We change history. That’s how powerful we consider ourselves to be.
32 thoughts on “The Revision of History”
My kids dad will actually try to tell me exactly how the conversation went…WHILE WE ARE STILL IN THE CONVERSATION
Like…I don’t need you to tell me what you said or I said 90 seconds ago…I was there! Lol! Still here! Lol
He will take us back to the start of the current convo- telling me what was said by whom and when. I don’t understand this.
Of course as he rewrites the conversation we are still having !!— it’s slanted to his favour.
Sound narcy, HG?
It is an indicator but not determinative in itself.
This is my mothers most favorite tactic revising history….
No you werent grabbed in the park. The assault never happened like that.(you werent there mom i was! It happened to me and i picked him out from police photos)
No you did read the eulogy at your grandfathers funeral.(ummm no i did not. i wrote it)
We did say something after we found out you were sexually abused(no it was swept under the carpet. You continued the friendship)
The list goes on and on and more absurd. Ill say white she will say black just to get me to back down. Its gaslighting to control and to cause second guessing except its not working.
I’m glad it’s not working.. It sounds like you’ve been through some terrible experiences, Chihuahuamum, without any family support.. I’m so sorry..
Ty bekah thats kind. A lot of it i have compartmentalized. I didnt know that word before joining this forum in relation to traumas but i have done this. I think in a lot of ways npd is an extreme compartmentalization of not just past experiences but emotions. I dont have npd but i can see where ive tucked away these experiences automatically so i do think its a survival mechanism built in. What i have learned is these experiences are still there in your deep consciousness and can affect you if not dealt with.
As an adult and one thats in constant learning mode im learning to be for myself the parent i never had and to let go of the resentments and accept. Accept whats happened forgive and understand and move forward and grow. Its a choice you can stay stuck in your past or you can face it and work thru it and grow from it. Were meant to grow not be stunted by lifes experiences.
I agree with your point about past traumatic experiences affecting you consciously and subconsciously, if not properly dealt with..
I’m glad you consider yourself a life-long learner and that you’re making the decision to be the parent that you never had.. Radical acceptance is something I am learning about now in counseling.. I wish you all of the best in forgiveness, acceptance, and letting go.. In my young age of only 28, I can tell you now it is a process.. It takes diligence and commitment, every single waking moment.. I know I have a looonnnngg way to go, not only in this facet of my life with the narcissistic father of my children, but my son’s father, his mother, my mother, my father, and several friends.. There’s a lot of hurt and pain I’m holding on to and I have to learn how to let it go, after a while.. I’m glad you brought up the point about compartmentalization.. If I had to make an honest observation about myself, I too would conclude I am doing the same thing–compartmentalizing my experiences with these people..
My daughter’s father tried this yesterday (and p’ed me off).. I had awaken in the morning and signed into FB.. I looked at his profile and noted that nothing had been updated on his timeline.. Everything was normal.. About one hour and a half later, while eating breakfast, I was on my phone and scrolling through FB again.. I went to his profile again and this time realized we were no longer friends on FB.. Within that very short timeframe, I had crossed into a sphere of influence for him and he removed me as his friend.. There was absolutely no reason for this (from my perspective).. So I called him.. As soon as he said “Hello”, I said, “[Narcissist], why did you unfriend me on Facebook?” He seemed taken aback and confused, stumbling over his words and finally saying “I don’t know [what happened].. I thought we weren’t friends already.. The last time I checked, you blocked me..” I told him I did not and if he had looked for me in the past and couldn’t find me, it was probably because I had my account deactivated.. I told him that I had just signed on in the past hour and went to his profile and that I *know for a fact* we were friends.. He insisted I had him blocked.. And it just made me upset because he was lying, gaslighting me, and trying to explain something that made it appear I was at fault..
I have found when disengagement occurs and lasts for a steady amount of time, I really do become immune to the manipulations.. Not that they don’t affect me and that he doesn’t deploy them when he has an opportunity to through benign and malign hoovers, but that I reeaaalllyyy become highly agitated and physically stressed when he does things like this because I haven’t been exposed to it in an extended period of time.. I have needed to reframe this entire scenario, ultimately coming to the conclusion that him unfriending me on Facebook was an act of devaluation (for whatever reason, possibly corrective), and he needed to exert control over me, to some extent.. I heard from him the day before (this past Monday) and he tried to make a deal with me saying that we could finally talk about whatever *I felt* we needed to talk about concerning my pregnancy, but that in turn, he just needed his tax return for the prior year completed by me (as I have done for him for the past 2 years).. I replied to him on Monday saying, “OK” and told him to contact me when I got off from work.. He replied, saying he didn’t know when I got off from work.. I never replied to that last message.. He never called on Monday night and I didn’t call him either—not until he unfriended me on Facebook Tuesday morning.. I believe he was upset about me not replying to his last text message the day before and he also believed I was not putting in the effort to accommodate him and his “deal” as speedily as he wanted me to.. If this is the case, it just infuriates me that he thinks he can do this because he is entitled.. I told him almost 3 weeks ago when he hoovered and asked, originally, that I could not do his tax return.. I really thought I left it at that and that was it.. Now, this week, he has contacted me again, insisting *I* be the one to do his return and he’ll give me the opportunity to talk to *him* about what *I feel* I need to discuss about my pregnancy.. He is so arrogant and it pees me off.. Ugh!!!
He unfriended you to provoke a response. That was just a passive hoover which led to a direct one when you called him. He was looking to draw hoover fuel (negative).
Just to be very clear, so you understand your position in his fuel matrix, you are a former intimate partner (F.I.P.) so those hoovers are not corrective; corrective devaluations apply to secondary sources only in the context of the FR. He is deploying them so he can get a massive dose of potent hoover fuel.
You may want to consider staying off social media until you get your ET under control. Remember, from his perspective, he owns you and he is entitled to draw fuel, character traits and residual benefits (tax returns) from you in perpetuity.
Thanks for your reply K and definitely for expanding on devaluations and hoovers.. Now I understand..
I was off social media for a good, long time, but recently reactivated my Facebook so I could have access to play one of my favorite games offered through Facebook Apps.. I have since deactivated my account again this week.. I’ll just hold off on playing my game..
After the phone call yesterday, he sent me a text message asking how many weeks pregnant I am and when did the doctor estimate I got pregnant.. I did not respond through text, but instead called him from my office phone number at work.. He didn’t answer, so I left him a voice message, informing him I could not use my cell phone at work, but that if he wanted to, to call me back at work or just call me later on after I got off.. He did not call me back at work, so I called him about 2 hours after I got off last night.. He did not answer and did not return my call, so I sent him the following text message:
“That’s okay, T.. The whole motivation behind the un-friending on Facebook.com means a lot more to me than the action itself.. It just sent the message that we really aren’t friends, ya know? I know one of the last times we talked on the phone you said we were, but we’re not.. You made that very clear to me Tues. morning.. I’ve tried to be nice, civil towards you, and give you the benefit of the doubt, always, especially during this very delicate time.. I’ve called, left voice msgs, so you could hear my voice very nicely explaining to you certain things, including why I can’t text you back while I am at work.. But despite my efforts, you still find a way to gaslight and invalidate me in ways that hurt me.. I just think it’s best things go back to how they were when you left me shortly after getting me pregnant.. Please continue to live on in life as you have for the past 4 months, not contacting me, pretending this pregnancy isn’t happening, and that you are not Camille’s father, either.. And I’ll continue to convince myself that you don’t care about us at all and that you’re never coming back.. I just really think it’s better this way.. Because every time I attempt to open up to you, it always gets thrown back in my face.. And I just don’t wanna be a fool anymore..”
I scheduled it to be sent around 1 a.m. (so it would be there, but I would sleep through any potential response).. Sure enough, he responded 36 mins after it was sent saying the only part he received was “the message that we really aren’t friends”.. I know this was further lying, gaslighting, and invalidation of my words in their entirety because what I did was send the message as a *single image* (it was a screenshot), not as a long message or multiple messages.. So I know he got the image in its entirety..
I did not reply to him and will not reply to him.. I’m just sick of the lies, gaslighting, and invalidation.. He literally stresses me out nowadays and I really don’t need this while I am pregnant.. He’s losing out in the long run.. Now he won’t be able to see the pictures I am going to post of my child when s/he is born.. Again, his loss..
To end on a positive note, I find out if I’m having a boy or girl on Friday!! I’m so excited!! 🙂
This is a very difficult situation for you and I am truly sorry that you are going through it and I wish I had a magic wand so I could make it better for you and your children.
Your ET is off the charts and the Hoover Bar is so low that it is in the negatives, however, it is very understandable given the circumstances.
Let’s look at this with logic so you can see what he is doing.
1. The phone tag is assertion of superiority and control and it looks like he wants to frustrate you so he can get thought fuel and provoke you into contacting him.
2. Your text message was challenge fuel and indicates that you are still under his control so he needed to gain fuel and assert superiority and control and he does this by responding 36 minutes later claiming he received only a small part of your text. He lied (gaslighting) to provoke a response (the control lies in the manipulation) and generate thought fuel.
3. You need to understand his mindset. He is not wired to care about you, Camille or his unborn baby. He is not losing out and he doesn’t care about baby photos. He cannot feel guilt, remorse or regret and he does what he wants without concern for you or the children; it is all about the fuel and your hurt reactions are fueling him.
Take care of yourself and the children and do your best to ignore him and, if you have to communicate, keep the texts short and remove any emotive language before you hit: send.
Enjoy the big reveal!
Bekah, did he really ask how many weeks pregnant and when did the doctors estimate you got pregnant? This guy gets my blood boiling. He’ll only talk to you about the pregnancy if you’ll do his taxes? Seriously tell him to go to the Walmart vestibule and pay $25 to sit in their little booth and get his taxes done. It’ll save you the heartache of having a conversation that’ll be full of lies, accusations and unanswered questions. This guy sounds just like my kids looser narc father. He wasn’t smart enough to realize he could use the kids to control me. It’s your advantage so take it. His ignorance gives you an advantage that many women here who are fighting their narcs in court would love to have. This back and forth of emotions that you are going through is only going to get worse. What happens when the kids start getting older? As they grow you won’t be able to protect their feeling as easily. He will no show for holidays, forget birthdays, child support will be minimal if at all. Not only will you have the emotional heartache but you’ll have to watch your childrens heartache as well.
Take control now. Let him know he no longer gets to ask questions about the pregnancy or your other daughter. He gave up that right when he abandoned her and started implying that the baby isn’t his. You don’t have to be confrontational, just firm. Protect those kids from a lifetime of disappointment.
My heart hurts for you because you’re in a position where you have to rip the band-aid off. You don’t get to gradually come to terms with what your dealing with like some of us do. I know you feel alone, this is a time that you want to share with someone you love. You’re going to get through this. You won’t be pregnant forever and you won’t always feel vulnerable.
Keep reading here and asking questions, share your stories, listen to the advice of others. Know that even though we don’t know each other personally, we all share a very personal story. You’re not alone. ♥️
PS I hope it’s a girl!!
Yes, he sure did ask that.. And I am sooo glad you were able to ascertain this means he is implying there is a possibility he is not the father.. Ignorant is definitely the best word to describe his status when it comes to the children.. Without me, he truly has no clue at all of what it takes to be a parent and care for children.. So, I actually don’t want his help as my children grow older.. He doesn’t genuinely want to be involved, so I won’t make him by putting him on child support.. And you’re absolutely right when comparing him to other narcissists out here who are fathers and battling their children’s mother in court and the like—he either just isn’t smart enough or interested enough in controlling me through the children.. He tried that tactic in the past, but hasn’t tried again in a looonnngg time.. I mean, seriously: all he has to do now is contact me and mention our daughter’s name; he’d have my full attention.. But since he doesn’t, I will stop responding to him now.. I literally don’t care what time it is, what the circumstance is, what type of “deal” he tries to strike up, or anything—I’m making the decision to switch to No Contact instead of Low Contact..
Speaking of holidays, he wasn’t here for all the major holidays of the winter this past year.. Our daughter’s birthday is May 2, but so is his new IPPS.. I’d bet every dime in my bank account he will be with her this year, instead of making an attempt to see our daughter, whom he hasn’t laid eyes on since October of last year.. I don’t believe she remembers being around him or anything, and it just may be very well that is the case.. It isn’t healthy to have a toxic adult around young children, so as you mentioned, I will use his absence to my advantage and take the necessary steps *now* to take control and protect them as much as I can..
I found out I am having a boy.. I wanted a girl, but I am still *so very excited*!! It kinda sucks my son will not have his father in his life, but I know he is going to make it and I will do all in my power as a mother to make sure my son knows the importance of empathy and how to be sensitive to a female’s emotions..
You are right, Mercy, in saying that I have to sort of rip the band-aid off and go into high gear when it comes to healing as soon as possible, instead of gradually.. I thank you so much for your concern for me.. I will definitely stay here within this network on Narc Site and surround myself with others that share similar experiences so we can all empathize with each other and empower one another in our journeys of healing..
Bekah, Yay a boy!! I’m very happy for you. Congratulations!! Good for you for taking control of your future. We all have setbacks and we have to remain vigilant but keep moving forward. I love your positive attitude. Your children are lucky to have such a strong mother.
Awww, thanks Mercy.. I really appreciate that!! ❤
Thanks for your replies K. Always feels leveling to hear from you.
Are you an official assistant to HG? Just wondering. Seems you have some added level of knowledge and responsibility on the forum.
My ex definitely revised history and I’m pretty sure I’m mostly erased- unless it is clandestine. She met up with me 4x in last 6 months But at the last meeting blew up and told me not to contact her. Because it’s just so upsetting to her that I actually talked to people about my relationship with her. However she had already known all this. I guess it sank in and I needed to be punished?
At any rate-It kind of proves to me that she is likely niw devaluing the person she ran off with a year ago since she’s meeting me and getting flirty/friendly— Until the abrupt “don’t contact me’’
You are welcome Kate W and thank you for your kind words.
The title Official Archivist a.k.a. the Librarian was bestowed on me by HG and, sometimes, I will pull-up comments/articles from the archives to help others out or answer questions.
As the former intimate partner (F.I.P.) your ex painted you black and deleted you when she was in the Golden Period with your replacement.
It looks like the GP may be over for the current IPPS and you were viewed white and hoovered for positive fuel. The current IPPS was viewed black and in devaluation and your ex was triangulating the two of you. She got positive fuel from you and negative fuel from the current IPPS (contrast).
When you are viewed white and in seduction, fury is capped so, although she knew you had previously spoken about your relationship, she maintained control so her fury didn’t manifest during the first three meetings, however, it looks like she painted you black and punished you for your treachery for negative fuel, control and assertion of superiority during your last meeting (talking about your relationship with her to others is disloyal).
The current IPPS may be in a respite phase and, when that ends, your ex might hoover again so you should work on your No Contact during this time.
I hope that explanation helps clarify things for you. It seems odd from our perspective but, from hers, it makes perfect sense. She needs your fuel to survive in her reality and that is how she acquires it.
Watch emotional thinking at its finest:
Now I believe that my daughter’s father contacted me for the sole reason of a malign hoover.. I told him 3 weeks ago I am not going to do his tax return as he requested.. It took him 3 weeks to be fuelled enough (or whatever) to hoover, but in a malign fashion.. He made it seem like he wanted to strike a deal with me and give me an opportunity to talk to him about whatever I wanted to, but that he just needed me to do his tax return.. But now I believe he wanted to get my hopes up by saying this to me, only to act opposite of what he said.. This is why he unfriended me on Facebook, did not answer or return my calls after the initial one on Tuesday, and why he disregarded everything in my final text message to him, except what I said about him sending the subliminal message that we really aren’t friends.. All in all, he just wanted to get back at me for not doing what he wanted me to do.. He doesn’t need his tax return done by me–he just wanted to dangle the carrot on the stick (by offering communication on a meaningful topic) and then yank it away.. He’s being mean and sadistic and I fell for it..
Nothing in particular precipitated this new conclusion.. Just rumination about the circumstance, now 3 days later.. I’m in such a bad place emotionally right now.. Truly overwhelmed with a bus load of negative emotions and thoughts..
That’s why it’s so important not to talk to him at all, if possible. You know your emotions are affecting your thinking. Try very hard to not call him, not text him, not tell him how you feel or what you think or what you want. All those things just fuel him at your expense. Try not to respond to anything he does or doesn’t do. That’s the only way you will come out ahead.
I’m sorry you’re feeling down today, but today will pass and tomorrow will be a new day. ❤️
Thanks so much for your reply.. It is good to hear from you..
I understand what you’re saying completely about why I should not have contact with him.. You are absolutely right.. I just thought it would be decent of me to keep the door cracked, so to speak, since we have children together, just in case he ever mentioned our daughter and wanting to spend time with her, or if he would eventually come around for the rest of my pregnancy and the delivery of the baby..
Forget that!! I am done with that expectation now.. I have to be.. It truly only hurts me in the long run, and if my children were old enough to understand, it would hurt them too.. I just have to go No Contact instead of Low Contact.. I must capitalize on his deliberate absence and take the lack of communication to the extreme.. I will need to find other ways to express my current thoughts and emotions, concerning him, but I know I can do it.. You are very correct in stating that I know my emotions are affecting my thinking.. I can currently be and have been VERY rational and logical in the past, in a variety of circumstances, including romantic relationships.. I attribute this surge of emotional thinking to my pregnancy and my hormones being out of balance.. However, I can put forth the effort to challenge what is going on with me physiologically and keep this very simple—No Contact.. In time, I know No Contact will help me to forget my children’s father was ever a part of this picture..
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement.. I appreciate hearing from you always.. 🙂
By asserting control and refusing to do his tax returns three weeks ago, you wounded/challenged him. As part of the Narcissistic Covenant that exists between you, he expects you to do the tax returns without question.
On Monday, he used a future fake (a manipulation to raise your hopes and keep you in situ so he could get you to do the returns) to make a “deal”, however, this “deal” offends his sense of superiority and challenges him (know your place and do as he says or else) so he Unfriends you to assert superiority and control to draw fuel and put down your challenge.
Thus when you are manipulated it is done purely for the fuel, it is not done primarily to hurt you. This is cold comfort nevertheless as the outcome remains the same. You are hurt.
To protect yourself, try your best to maintain no contact if you can.
Hi bekah…it sounds to me you played right into his plan. He probably knew youd be watching his facebook and possibly knows how to see who is looking at his profile and decided to use that as leverage to get you to make the move and call him. Also to get you upset to prove he still has control over you. The worst fear is you dont care and are moving on. Its like a test to see if he still has an impact on you. He knows he can use fb now as a tool to get a reaction from you. Youve proven to him you are watching and that he has the capacity to get to you and hurt you. Its not easy but grey rock as much as you can. Dont give him ammunition or allow him to know what tactics work. The less an enemy knows the better. I wouldnt look at his fb anymore. The less you know about his fb the better. Its all lies anyways. Best of luck.
Very good summation and advice!
Hi, Chihuahuamum.. Thanks for your reply..
He probably did set this all up, huh? And of course, I gave him a reaction, whether it was the exact one he was seeking or not.. Smh.. I have since blocked him, just so I won’t tempt myself later on into searching for him, and I’ve also deactivated my FB account.. I can go without playing that game for a little while..
I agree that it probably is a test to see what kind of impact he has on me.. And a part of me does believe that the worst fear for him is discovering I don’t care and that I’m moving on.. But on the flip side of that, as a narcissist, I believe he would have gained thought fuel through this very simple act of unfriending me, even if I didn’t call him and address the issue.. Instead of ever admitting to himself that I don’t care and that I’m moving on, he would just think and convince himself that he has a one-up on me by removing me as his friend on social media and that I would be taken aback, hurt, and insulted by it.. Either way, he wanted to exert control in this situation (and I feel like he especially wanted to do so because I told him 3 weeks ago that I am not going to do his tax return this year)..
Emotional thinking for me may be high at this time.. It’s the inner truth-seeking, semi-super empath in me that made me directly contact him to challenge him, instead of pretending his actions don’t bother me and leaving him to his thought fuel.. I’d rather show and tell him exactly what I think as a direct result of his actions because it always backs him into a corner and displays the contrast of his deception and my candid truth..
However, I’m done with that now and sent my final message to him, which is listed above in a reply to K.. I told him what I think and feel and that is all I have to say.. The next time he calls or texts, I won’t be responding.. He removed social media as a potential communication medium, so that’s gone.. And he doesn’t know my email address, so that’s not an option either.. What I will expect from here on out is possibly proxy hoovers.. I’ll keep my eyes and ears open for people who fit into the category to execute those for him..
Hi bekah…good point about the thought fuel and proxy hoovers. Just the fact you shut down fb and are putting up no contact boundaries youre increasing your success in moving forward and healing. Best of luck!
Reading Michael Cohen’s statement to Congress, describing Donald Trump. Appears that lots of history was re-written and fabricated.
Hello, H.G. Tudor.
Yes, history is written by the victors..
But as defeated in something? and if you have done it, have you done it cleanly?
It’s easy to win with traps and deceptions. Little honorable the truth be told.
I believe that the narcissist simply creates and creates your own stories, but that nobody really believes. Always living in another reality, yours.
I think you create your own stories because otherwise the narcissist would collapse. If he were to contemplate his own reality.
Because really your true stories are and are coming from limitations, shame, dishonor, abjection, infamy, outrage, obscenity. True stories truculent, deformed, nauseating, sinister and frightening. Like everything you touch and twist and deform in your own way. Evidently
your stories only hold while your victim ignores the truth.
And all for emotional attention. This is the true story of the life of a narcissist.
All for being remembered by his victims? but in what way? In the deformed and disfigured way in which the victim sees you and remembers you when they know the truth.
And at what price?
It’s true, I forgot. The price is paid by others.
You will be able to make up small stories without importance.
Bigger and better, I won the competition, he makes less money than me.
But you can’t make up the most important story, because that’s the real story.
That you are sociopathic maniacs End of story.
What does the narc think if you decide to agree with them and you don’t counter their rewritten history? It’s so bizarre… but Seems like it’s lose lose becauseIt seems it would also make them mad because you don’t go in for the argument…Going in for the argument makes them happy? So it’s flipped? Is it narcissistic injury if you agree with them when they’re trying to get a reaction out of you?
If you agree you will provide fuel and confirm our perceived supremacy over you.
Kate, I think that oftentimes the self delusion of the narc must gain upper hand, therefore what HG says: he might remain a little mistrustful but kind of must believe that you mean it, and that it is his rightful place that you do not doubt his version. (Might depend on the context, why he said what).
It seems that you would be golden to them if you agree with their version. At least in my experience, this has been true.
When my MRE sister rewrote history, she was doing it to provoke and manipulate. I cannot win no matter what. When I contradicted and challenged her version of history, I provided challenge fuel and there would be more manipulations and I will never get her to admit that I was right which will just be more frustration for me which she seemed to enjoy. When I stayed quiet and ignored her lies I saw the smug satisfied look in her face because my silence was interpreted by her as my acquiescence to her lies and surrendering my truth which meant that she won or was superior to me. The best really is to just avoid them. Leave their playground.