Love Is A Taught Construct

love

 

How do you know how to love? Did you sit wide-eyed in front a large screen as colourful costumed characters hugged one another to a saccharine sound-track so this imbued you with the concept of what love was? Did those cartoon characters explain to you what it is to love? Did their exaggerated voices and crazy antics, followed by the moral of the story teach you what love is? Perhaps you read about it in love, heard it in songs and studied the many ways in which this ultimate emotion appears and affects people. Chances are that you have been affected by those hugely affecting passages from the great works dedicated to love. Chances are you have been captured by haunting lyrics and catchy jingles which also profess to tell you what love is. They have all played a part. You may have learned about love from the version churned out by the media, of Hollywood romance, dashing heroes, fair maidens, tarts with golden hearts, the good man who rides to the rescue, the wayward soul saved by love. Love may have been explained to you from the pulpit as a higher love, something which transcends all earthly manifestations, a love so powerful and complete that it sacrificed its only son in order to demonstrate its love for humankind. This godly love is all around you, it touches each and all and is mighty in its effects. Love may have been learned from furtive fumbles down alleyways, sneaking into bedrooms when so young, the exploration of warm and urgent body parts accompanied by those every so sincere protestations of love. A haphazard journey through galloping teen years as nothing and everything makes sense all at once. Then again, love might have appeared to you in the form of something small and furry, an unconditional (so long as it was fed) love which was loyal, giving and ever so cute. So many erudite tutors, learned lecturers and wise proponents of what love is. Love thy neighbour, love yourself, love is all you need, woman in love, it must have been love, crazy little thing called love, to know him is to love him, we found love, how deep is your love? Love is all around us, in us, between us, lifting us up and letting us down. It is everywhere and you may well have been taught by many of the above and more besides as to what love is.

However, love most likely will have been taught to you by those who created you, those two people who came together and through their own pleasure created you. Two people who decided that they would shoulder the responsibility of creating life, nurturing it and bringing a new person into the world. Those two people accepted many, many responsibilities from such a decision and act. Chief among them was the responsibility of teaching that person what love is. Through their offices they have furnished each and every one of us with the notion of what love is. A deep-seated and visceral understanding of this is how love feels, this is what it looks like, this is what it sounds like. This is love. From those two people more than anything else we are first grounded in the concept of what love is. This grounding lasts a considerable time and whilst there are other factors to be considered, as I have mentioned above, it is this lesson which is learnt invariably first and the one lesson which resonates beyond all others. So often we are in their hands when it comes to being taught about love. So, what is this taught love? It has so many, many facets.

Love is being told to never trust anybody.

Love is being made to re-write the entire essay because of one spelling mistake.

Love is being sent to stand outside on a cold winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to Autumn are recited correctly.

Love is knowing nothing is ever good enough.

Love is understanding that someone else knows better than you what is best for you.

Love is turning away from the reality.

Love is standing straight against a wall for several hours for speaking out of turn.

Love is for the weak.

Love is being told that when I am gone nobody else will look out for you.

Love is succeeding.

Love is building a wall as high as possible.

Love is trying until it hurts and gaining that final curt nod of approval.

Love is being seen and not heard.

Love is fulfilling your potential and securing that legacy.

Love is hurting you even though it hurts me, but someone in this household has to do it and it won’t be him will it?

Love is reading to yourself than being read to.

Love is living in the shadows and hoping not to be noticed.

Love is being the best.

Love is the preserve of the powerful.

Love is being denied a birthday party because the other children are too stupid.

Love is being undermined in order to prevent conceit.

Love is a begrudged recognition and the injunction to try harder, go further, climb higher, run faster, study longer.

Love is burning your hand but not crying.

Love is don’t tell anybody about our secret.

Love is a righteous beating.

Love is being distant and pretending things never happened.

Love is being sent away.

Love is not being told.

Love is splendid isolation.

Love was taught this way.

67 thoughts on “Love Is A Taught Construct

  1. Golden Bubble says:

    One of the worst parts of having a narcissistic mother is the guilt that society foists on the child for hating her selfish cruelty. They make us feel bad for saying she is bad. Motherhood is sacrosanct and we are bad telling what she did. So I would rather feel nothing than to feel the hatred. It’s a double bind that the child loses either way. The solution is narcissism.

    1. lickemtomorrow says:

      I had to respond to this because after sending Christmas wishes to a friend of mine tonight, who isn’t aware of the revelations around my mother (she is a narcissist) and to whom I have never spoken badly of my mother, she requested me to give my mother a “big hug”. She has lost both her parents over a few short years and is obviously feeling the lack this Christmas. I can understand that. She doesn’t know that I have been no contact with my mother for over two years. I’ve had no reason to discuss it with her and would find the topic difficult to broach now. I take her wishes as well intended, but the pain and the awkwardness of that situation doesn’t go away. People assume everyone has a wonderful relationship with their mothers as that is the expectation of both mothers and their children. The first short piece I was requested to write related to mothers and Mother’s Day. I ended the piece with this sentence: “Jennifer hated her mother”.

  2. WhoCares says:

    It is interesting how our definition of love has been repeatedly challenged…empaths who deem themselves as understanding and compassionate and try to put themselves in the shoes of others. So when faced with the declaration that some women love women, some men love men, or some are pansexual or non-binary we say: “Okay, that’s fine…however you define love and wherever you find it; we’re happy for you that you found it. Just embrace love.”

    Yet, our empathy stops at the narcissist’s door. We cannot accept their definition of love. Nor can they accept ours – but they try to pretend to. How’s that working out for both parties?

    1. K says:

      WhoCares
      They accept our love in the form of fuel and we accept Narc Love during the golden period.

      Our love goes stale and their love turns into devaluation. Of course most people don’t know this, however, we do now. It works fine from the narcissist’s POV but not so much from our POV because of the negative impact of their abusive behaviour.

      The only thing we can do is recognize it and GOSO.

      1. WhoCares says:

        K,

        “They accept our love in the form of fuel and we accept Narc Love during the golden period.”

        Yes, agreed K, but they *believe* they are giving us our version of love (at least the unaware ones) because they are victims of cultural conditioning as well. We are both under the spell.

        “It works fine from the narcissist’s POV but not so much from our POV because of the negative impact of their abusive behaviour.”

        Well…we are the love-pushers; we are asking them to conform to our perspective of how love is *as equally as* they are asking us to conform to their perspective of love. Therefore, each views the other as the abusive one.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          WhoCares
          That’s how I see it. Each side is trying to force the other to ‘love’ them the way they want to be ‘loved’. Each side believing themselves to be ‘right’ from their perspective because this ‘love’ serves different needs.

          1. WhoCares says:

            NarcAngel,

            Agreed.

            But we (along with self-aware narcissists) are the ones who are capable of being analytical with the possibility of re-conceptualizing how we view love.

          2. WhoCares says:

            NA,

            It’s a bit like Alice’s line (in the more recent movie version of Alice In Wonderland):

            “What if it was agreed that “proper” was wearing a codfish on your head?

            To me a corset is like a codfish.”

          3. K says:

            NarcAngel
            Correct.

        2. K says:

          WhoCares
          The accusations fly and fingers are pointed, all fuel. I not surprised it is called a disorder and that is why we have no choice but to disengage, GOSO and go NC.

          1. WhoCares says:

            K,

            Agreed.

  3. flutterbymorpho says:

    Plenty of children grow up with this, especially back 50 odd years ago.. seems the norm to me. Even schools would make one stand in corners and rewrite essays because of spelling mistakes or smudged ink .
    I could add plenty to the list but it’s not about me.. no one had a perfect childhood and times have changed thankfully. But not everyone turns out to be a narcissist! I’ve heard & experienced all those things and worse apart from the ‘secret’ thing. Beaten, starved, neglected, nothing ever good enough, certain pets kept just to fatten up, as was my siblings and many where I grew up.. and many people have had it far worse than that.
    yes it affects and damages to a degree, but doesn’t turn everyone into a monster.. so there must be other factors as well as upbringing. Even some are raised by narcissists but don’t turn out as one themselves?
    But sorry you had that childhood too HG.

    1. K says:

      flutterbymorpho
      Genetics and environment create psychopaths, empaths, narcissists and Co-Ds. All cluster Bs.

  4. santaann1964 says:

    I hear it Mr. Hudor, your getting a little deep. Awaiting to hear about your mother. Your story is starting to sound very close to my narcissist story. Little bits and pieces but never got to the last piece of the puzzle. As I read I’m understanding the closer I was able to get to the final piece of my narcs abuse he got worse and worse. I’m seeing much clearer now. If you will please answer my ?
    Do you understand what I’m talking about? Am I correct in my thinking?
    Thank you Mr. H.
    Santa ( yes, that is my name)

  5. Twisted Heart says:

    Just when I thought I wasn’t going to have anything to talk about in therapy tonight. Thanks for sharing so openly HG.

  6. Chihuahuamum says:

    This one always makes me sad and helps me to see it from a narcissists perspective. Its so easy to be angry and hate the narcissists and people out there in general that are shitheads but im trying hard to understand people a bit more and thats not in a naive way to be taken advantage of or walked all over no. I keep boundaries or have been trying to more but i want to be more forgiving and instead of being eaten up with anger and hatred for those that do me wrong i want to remember writings like this and know that there are usually reasons why someone is miserable, mean and screwed up. Thats not to say its excused but it helps knowing they are that way most likely bc of their upbringing and life experiences. Personality can factor in it as well.
    An example is a girl ive mentioned before at my kids sporting event and same scenerio as HG the mum expects her to be number one always and noticed. My kids cant stand her and i found myself feeling resentful but knowing what ive learned here shes learning a conditional form of love from her mother. Produce or youre nothing. Be seen and in the spotlight or youre nothing. Theres no halfway for this girl its number one or you dont exist. Her identity is wrapped up in being the best. Her achievements need to be broadcasted for everyone to see or they didnt happen. What happens when she no longer is the best? I suspect thats where fuel will come in. Her mother has set her up for a life devoid of real genuine love and self acceptance. She will grow up with a hollow void and struggle to fill that void with praise and accolades. She will need fuel to take the place of real love. Its so sad. Parents are the most important people in their childs development. So many get it so wrong and mess their childs life up.
    Fortuneatly self love is a skill as well. You dont have to be taught it and can learn it on your own. practiced daily you start to feel worthy and self confidant. As adults we are able to build what we didnt have as children from our parents. It takes work but is so worth it. You are worth being loved by yourself and others and not for what you achieve but for just being you a unique soul

    1. NarcAngel says:

      That you are unworthy may have been the experience of some, but it does not have to be your belief. I never believed that I was unworthy. That is not to say that I didn’t take some hits to confidence and experience some self doubt. I knew that the problem was with them and not me. I felt trapped but knew somehow that what I experienced at home was not representative of the world at large and that I would escape it. I also understand that this thought process may not be possible for someone disordered. There are many who are adamant that if the narcissist would just overcome their fears, accept that what was done to them was wrong, and change their way of thinking, that they would experience healthy love and be more fulfilled. If you are not disordered that makes perfect sense, and yet many of us who are not labeled with a disorder seem incapable of the very same thing.

    2. WiserNow says:

      That’s an interesting comment Chi’mum.

      In your example of the girl whose Mum always expects her to be number one, it occurred to me that the girl doesn’t necessarily have to be narcissistic or end up a narcissist. She could just as easily be empathic or normal.

      For instance, say the girl has an empathic nature. If she has a natural sporting talent and is more athletic than other kids her age, she may get praise or win more often, and that could make her narcissistic mother happy. The girl may then feel that she wants to (or should) do well in order to please her mother. So she practises a lot and tries to keep winning, not just because she enjoys the sport and is good at it, but because she feels the pressure her mother places on her and feels a need to win to please her mother.

      Meanwhile, the girl may be aware that the other children don’t like her and are unfriendly towards her. If the girl is empathic, she may be sad or concerned about this and may try to change the situation by being friendlier, or downplaying her sporting success when in social settings, or becoming a people-pleaser in order to avoid being rejected.

      Either way though, what you say about parents is true. They are very important when it comes to their child’s development. Their behaviour sets the scene for how the child’s personality develops, whether the child’s natural temperament is inclined to be either narcissistic or empathic.

      1. Chihuahuamum says:

        Hi wisernow….thats definitely possible but in this case i strongly suspect she has npd based on her actions. She cant stand to see anyone else get any sort of recognition and will go pout or sabatoge the situation to have the spotlight on herself. She will make obvious orchestrated entrances to be noticed by all. For example showing up a bit late in her attire from another sport and brag about it. I could include many instances that would point to the red flags of npd. Her mother is extremely manipulative and will look right thru you as she studys you. Its very unnerving. In this case her daughter is a mini version of herself.
        It is possible for an empath to try hard to please their parent as well by accomplishing what is expected but thats not what i see with this girl.

        1. WiserNow says:

          Chi’mum,

          It sounds like the little girl is following in her mother’s footsteps and is narcissistic, from what you describe. That’s sad, because as a child, she still has some scope to be taught to be less narcissistic.

          My comment wasn’t meant to contradict you or question your observations. Your previous comment just made me think that a narcissistic parent can cause either kind of child to develop in ways that are unhealthy.

      2. Chihuahuamum says:

        I wanted to add that this girl is very talented and has achieved a lot but its apparent that there is npd involved in pushing her there namely from her mother.

  7. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G.

    I’m so sorry, I see how you were taught what love is. I suppose in the same way or in a similar way, to the rest of our narcissists. And this is really a shame.
    This is their way of understanding love, learned behaviors. And it is that the narcissist cannot offer himself anything other than what he has purely learned.
    Simply mistreatment, devaluations, punishment.
    Fear, insurmountable panic of being loved, because for them it is synonymous with Pain.

  8. marinathemermaid3 says:

    Oh my that has to be about the saddest post yet!😭

  9. WhoCares says:

    Another of my favourites; for the way it confronts how we view love, for the emotions and imagery it evokes and the writing skill it demonstrates.

  10. Cestas Jacarepaguá says:

    Hello, Mr. H.G, I first apologize for some mistake or disconnected words because unfortunately I do not speak English and I am using the translator. My name is Vanessa, I’m from Brazil and since January I’ve been reading your posts a lot. I want to tell you something but please, it is not a but as very observant and studying about narcissism since last July, sometimes I feel confused. Sometimes the impression that passes me is that there is somehow manipulation on your part or at least a contradiction. I saved some posts that spoke of the envy that has of us, of our hearts being free and you want to imprison us, at the same time that mocks of this love (empathy). I think so, it’s envy, it’s need to destroy what we have and money in the world can not afford. Envy is just characterized by wanting the other TB not to have … it’s sad, you know? I know that you did not choose to be like that, nor do I, although I suffer a lot and cry a lot to see such wickedness, injustice and cruelty, I still prefer to make a difference in this evil world. I speak this because for example, this post, where it says that love is for the weak, but at the same time the Lord and his species needs and relies unceasingly on the love of us, amorous impatas. The world alone is not in even worse chaos, first by the mercy of God that allows us to love, to take care many times of who needs it. As for love being a building we learned …. I think yes and no, for example I was raised in a dysfunctional family where there was hate and fights, however, although I often act aggressively, I still I have a lot of love and compassion. For the animals then I pour myself out of love …. Also, if possible, would you like to ask a question, the beast / creature you speak so much that tries to banish, is your true “I”? The one who clearly destroyed his mother? Another question is: do you clearly recognize that narcissism is perverse and cruel to the victim, so all the attacks are only for the fuel or is there no real pleasure in it? because sometimes it seems rather to take pleasure in the wickedness and destruction of my species. Thank you in advance and wish you many blessings and much love, that the inexhaustible source of love that Jesus is, be about your life.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I recognise that narcissism is cruel to the victim but it is necessary. Most narcissists, not knowing what they are, either do not see their behaviour as cruel or they recognise it causes hurt but it is the fault of the victim and is therefore justified. Welcome to the blog also.

      1. Cestas Jacarepaguá says:

        Thank you so much for answering me. But what about the creature? Is it your true and wounded self?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          This is addressed in the book The Creature.

          1. Cestas Jacarepaguá says:

            Do Portuguese versions, please. I really want to buy your books. thanks!

          2. J.G says:

            Hello, H.G. Tudor.
            And where is that book. Was it published ?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Which book is that? (I do not see the earlier comments in my moderation pane so you need be specific please).

          4. NarcAngel says:

            JG
            The book The Creature has not been released. It is a work in progress.

      2. 2pQNEPjZg74pVwe says:

         Cruelty is necessary… why?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Why not?

          1. Abw Flying says:

            Was the cruelty you have experienced from your mother also necessary?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Her narcissism deemed it so, yes.

          3. Abw Flying says:

            Knowing that, why do you seek vengeance then Mr Tudor?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Because it accords with my Grand Design.

          5. Abw Flying says:

            But why it became a part of you Grand Design in the first place?

          6. HG Tudor says:

            Because of the desire to bring down the whole edifice that was behind my mistreatment and the mistreatment of others.

          7. kel says:

            Vengeance. Narcissists plan it and patiently wait for it to unfold, they never waiver from it. HG with his matrinarc, my boss’s vengeance taking the same position in a different company as his previous boss and that boss losing his job, even my mother promising a spanking when we get home & no matter how happy things were between then, always delivered.

          8. ava101 says:

            But you’re trying to make us understand that Mid Rangers don’t think and genuinely think they are good people, and will never understand what they are. 🙁
            So, how will that make your mother understand?
            I know mine never will.

          9. TY says:

            HG, Please consider writing a post or book on your Grand Design. The search function only offers posts that mention the grand design relative to an element that is a part of it, none addresses your Grand Design itself.

            Would also love to hear more about your plan to bring down the entire edifice. I’m confident that at least half your readers would be happy to assist you in your efforts to topple that edifice. Thank you for your consideration.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            It will be written about once it has been completed.

          11. Chihuahuamum says:

            Your greatest revenge to your mother HG is by breaking the cycle of npd and not allowing your past abuse to dictate your future. Break the pattern of npd. Be a kind person who doesnt rely on cruelty as a mechanism of survival. reevaluate your belief system bc its maladaptive.

          12. « I recognise that narcissism is cruel to the victim but it is necessary. »

            From the point of view of the narc, it is a necessary evil, a means to an end. Got it!

  11. Coki Spain says:

    Too sad… what about “Love is don’t tell anybody about our secret”? Is that a crucial lesson? Because I had plenty of what you’ve described here.. but not an specific “secret”. I’m super-empath.
    Thank you for this post. It’s much appreciated.

  12. Joanne says:

    I am so sorry for what you experienced as a boy. This truly made my eyes well with tears 😢

    It also makes me think back to when narc and I were children. Was this the type of home experience he had? Was he coming to school every day holding back tears and then going home to an unloving parent when we were dismissed?

    So, so very sad.

    1. mommypino says:

      Joanne, so true. It is very sad.

  13. candacemarie1212 says:

    This is sad. However my dad never showed me the right way a man should love and treat you. He was a bully, very judgemental and hardly ever listened to me as a child, teen and young adult. No friends or boyfriends of mine were ever good enough for him. Insulted me numerous times and in therapy tried to say he was just joking. I seriously doubt he is a narcissist since our relationship has been better the last few years. But I can see now how my childhood made me a target for narcissists.

  14. FYC says:

    So many emotions came to the fore in reading this. Your mother was so toxic. Though I can relate to a couple of these in my family, it is gut wrenching to read all that you were subjected to. None of this is love.

    I thought I would take a stab at correcting your matriarch’s evil work below. I hope others will join in:

    Distrust is being told to never trust anybody.

    Lack of Compassion is being made to re-write the entire essay because of one spelling mistake.

    Cruelty is being sent to stand outside on a cold winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to Autumn are recited correctly.

    The Biggest Lie is Believing nothing is ever good enough.

    Arrogance and Control is Someone else knows better than you what is best for you.

    Denial is turning away from the reality.

    Abuse is standing straight against a wall for several hours for speaking out of turn.

    Manipulation is for the weak.

    A Lie is being told that when I am gone nobody else will look out for you.

    Setting Goals and Reaching Them is succeeding.

    Fear and Defense is building a wall as high as possible.

    Seeing Approval (especially of someone unable and unwilling to give it) is trying until it hurts and gaining that final curt nod of approval.

    Control and Dismissal is being seen and not heard.

    Ego is Being Driven to fulfill your potential and securing that legacy. (You are a magnificent gift as you are. You are the legacy. The achievements are merey icing on the cake. But I will say I am so grateful for your works.)

    Abuse is hurting you even though (she lies and says it hurts her), but someone in this household has to do it and it won’t be him will it?

    Neglect is reading to yourself than being read to.

    Lack of healthy self esteem and fear is living in the shadows and hoping not to be noticed.

    Ego and Competitiveness drives the need to be the being the best.

    Control and Power is the preserve of the powerful.

    Lack of Love, Appreciation and Empathy is being denied a birthday party because the other children are too stupid.

    Cruelty is being undermined in order to Maintain Control Not to prevent conceit.

    Jealousy, Envy is a begrudged recognition and Need for Ego Gratification and Ego Propping cause the injunction to try harder, go further, climb higher, run faster, study longer.

    Lack of Love and Rejection of Self is burning your hand but not crying.

    Manipulation, Fear, and Control is don’t tell anybody about our secret.

    Abuse is a righteous beating.

    Denial, Present Silent Treatment and Fantasy Bond (Dr. Robert Firestone) is being distant and pretending things never happened.

    Lack of Love is being sent away.

    Lack of Healthy Emotions and Communication is not being told.

    Neglect is splendid isolation.

    Love was Not taught to you.

    HG, you deserve love. You always did. Your own love is buried deep inside and never had a chance to develop in your youth. But you can choose to see your upbringing for what it is. You have all the skills, intelligence and awareness to create your own understanding. Make your own choices. Why not give it a chance?

    The empath in me wants to right this wrong and heal the injured. But I know I cannot. But I believe it is possible for you to do so more than most. Sending the inner boy in you the love and compassion you so deserved.

  15. Veronique Jones says:

    Love is not taught it’s felt I’m sorry you had to experience the pain of cold indifference especially from your mother to have such a distorted view of what love is no wonder you do anything to avoid it
    She was wrong to treat you that way and your father was wrong not to protect you from her But you are very wrong about what love is

  16. Liderien says:

    It’s very sad to me. How two people can have the same childhood, yet one child chooses to continue the cycle of pain and destruction, while the other chooses to learn what not to be. Higher cognitive function did not create the child to choose the same path. It only helped him be good at living the horrid decision to keep it going. Which to me is the lower end of the high cognitive function. Intellectuals understand logic as well as the emotional counterpart of the human existence; balance. And he lives it in mind and heart. It is a choice.

    1. pavotdeschamps says:

      Thank you Liderien. You have translated into words my thought process better than I could ever have done. I am still choked by this post. My heart goes out to this boy who should never have been confronted with such a choice in the first place.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Liderien
      So you believe narcissism is a choice and not a disorder?

      1. Liderien says:

        Is empathy a choice or a disorder? Widely debated in the psyche field on both accounts. I do believe it does come down to choices. Did I choose to be an empath, or was I created to be one? Or was I born one? I had the same childhood as Mr. Tudor. But from both parents. Why does one choose one path over the other? I do not know. Maybe I didn’t have a choice. But yes, everything you do in life is a choice.

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Liderien
          I’m not asking to be confrontational btw. I’m asking because I’m not entirely clear myself how much can be contributed to choice, birth, environment, or combination. I lived in abuse also (4 children). Empath and narcissist both resulted. I’m confused though by your ending. You say maybe you didn’t have a choice but then say everything in life is a choice. Did you believe at some point that you were at a crossroad and chose?

          1. Liderien says:

            I do have a choice. For instance, I am extremely empathetic but sometimes I do not act on it, for example, I will not be empathetic towards a narcissist. I understand logically that I am being manipulated to feel empathy, so I balance the empathy with logic.
            Both of my parents were narcs. I remember when I was 15, having an overwhelming urge to take a baseball bat and bash my birth mother’s brains all over the wall. I was actually surprised by this and that I had actually thought about doing something so horrible. I did not of course for several reasons. But I had that urge and it was extremely strong, She had a way of pushing me to a point no one has ever pushed me.I decided to wait out the strong emotion and let it subside. I have never felt such a strong impulse since. I believe there is a part of me that has the inclination to let my emotions dictate my actions. I have learned to control my emotions, thoughts and feelings. I have educated myself from young adulthood. A never ending pursuit in the psyche field. I also have a fear that once I cross that imaginary line between good and evil, that would be the point of no return and I could no longer go back to who I am now. Does that make sense?

    3. K says:

      Liderien
      My twin is a narcissist and I am an empath. Neither of us had a choice and our personalities were set by age five. This definition of personality below is from the Mayo Clinic.

      Personality is the combination of thoughts, emotions and behaviors that makes everyone unique. It’s the way people view, understand and relate to the outside world, as well as how they see themselves. Personality forms during childhood, shaped through an interaction of inherited tendencies and environmental factors.

      There is no free will or choice.

      1. Liderien says:

        Yes, I am well aware of the clinical description of personality. I am extremely well versed in psychology. Clinical, behavioral, social. It has been my life long study not only of the field but of my own personal observations and experiences. One emphatical point is, psychology is not a science. There are no absolutes. I appreciate your comment.

      2. Twilight says:

        Free will is an illusion

        1. K says:

          Twilight
          Correct.

      3. Liderien says:

        I am well versed on the description of what a personality is. I have studied psychology most of my adult life, as well as observations and my own experiences. One empatical point, psychology is not a science. There are no absolutes. the human brain is a lot more powerful than you may believe. Thank you for your comment

        1. K says:

          My pleasure Liderien.
          If you have studied psychology your whole life then you should be well aware that psychopaths, empaths, narcissists and Co-dependents are created by a combination of genetics and environment and it isn’t a choice.

  17. pavotdeschamps says:

    Early on, I chose to cling to the glimpses of beauty that presented themself in my life. I found that in nature, a pet, sometimes in other humans…

  18. Kim e says:

    Every time I read this I want to cry, puke and scream. So sad and unfair.

  19. pascaleshealingjourney says:

    Wow. A very powerful post. My Narcissistic ex was taught love that way. No wonder he is who he is.

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