The Victim’s Cloak

THEVICTIM'S CLOAK

The Victim.

I know there are those who do not like that word. They regard it as stigmatising and a hindrance to recovery. One understands such an approach, but nevertheless it is the appropriate word for those who have encountered our kind in the narcissistic dynamic. What does victim mean?

‘a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action’

There is no denying this would apply to someone who has been ensnared by us.

‘a person who is tricked or duped’

Equally applicable. After all, it is the very essence of our behaviour that we trick or dupe you.

‘a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment’

Accurate again. Of course not everybody may feel this way, but many will readily recognise it, even if they prefer not to announce it.

Accordingly, these various definitions are valid and accurate to those who have been involved with our kind, be it romantic, social, familial or otherwise.

It remains the case, however, that when it comes to the issue of victimhood and who gets to wear The Victim’s Cloak that once more our kind exhibits our well known hypocrisy. We regard you as the victim (we have to as this is part of the maintenance of our control and need for superiority) but we also then look to remove that victim status from you.

The various schools of narcissism approach this double standard in differing ways, in respect of how we stamp you with ‘Victim’ but then deny you any use or recognition of it. We both adorn you with the cloak and then remove it in some way.

The Lesser Narcissist

The Lesser treats you as a victim because you are beneath him or her. You are considered useless, in the way and an annoyance and your dithering, inability to second guess the Lesser results in a swift ignition of fury and its manifestation as usually heated fury. You are made to feel the victim, by being lambasted verbally, physically assaulted, sexually assaulted, demeaned, having your property destroyed and seeing others you cared about drawn into the whirlwind.

The Victim’s Cloak is rapidly placed around your shoulders through this treatment of you but then the Lesser immediately rips it away, shreds it and hurls it to one side so you cannot use it. Your victimhood is created through an aggressive act or acts. However, you are not allowed to retain the mantle of victim because the Lesser takes the firm view that whatever treatment has been applied against you, well, you deserved it.

“She was back chatting me so she got a slap.”

“He was lousy in bed so I told him how useless he is.”

“The house was a mess, so I smashed it up so she really had something to clean up.”

You are denied the status of victim because in the mind of the Lesser you brought the treatment on yourself. The fact you deserve it negates the sympathy, compassion and understanding that would ordinarily be afforded to a victim.

“Leave her be, she deserves what she got, quit fussing over her.”

“It’s for his own good, so he will get it right next time.”

“Stop mollycoddling that boy, he has to learn and I am teaching him.”

Of course, this conduct by the Lesser of branding you the victim through your mis-treatment and then the wrenching away of your cloak of victimhood is all part of the further control and manipulation. His knee-jerk response will have generated fuel from your reaction to being struck or shouted at, but then, as the victim, you are usually afforded concern, sympathy and help by others. The Lesser may find himself being triangulated by a concerned relative, friend or bystander. This erodes his control and unconsciously his own innate status as a victim comes to the fore. He does not recognise this. After all, he does not want the cloak to wear for himself, he is nota victim, hell no, he is better than that, but just as he believes he does not want that cloak, you are not allowed to wear it either and thus he will deny you any entitlements associated with being classed as a victim, purely because his own inherent victim status (albeit unrecognised) makes its presence known.

Even a Lesser who belongs to the Victim cadre does not consider himself as a victim. Unconsciously he does, but he considers his preferential treatment owing to his poor health, dodgy back or sheer bad luck, an entitlement of his. He will not regard himself as a victim, but someone who ought to be looked after, although of course he is playing the card of Victim cadre extensively. Why play this card? Simple. To stop you being allowed to be the victim. You have hurt your hand and cannot cook? Too bad, he is hungry and not able to walk, so you still have to do something. You feel faint? He has a fractured eyelash and you need to get him to the hospital quick smart. But remember, he is not a victim, you are, but you do not get any sympathy, consolation or help for being that victim. Thus you receive the cloak but you are not allowed to wear it and it is ripped up and thrown away.

The Mid Range Narcissist

The Mid-Ranger will treat you as a victim because they are the perpetrator of various abuses and manipulations against you. Whilst heated fury does manifest with the Mid Range Narcissist (usually the Lower Mid Ranger), the manifestation of fury is most usual through cold fury. Thus you receive the Present and Absent Silent Treatments, the smearing, the gas lighting, the Cold Shoulders and the The Incredible Sulk to name but a few of the manipulations that are available to the Mid Range Narcissist.

The Mid Ranger treats you as the victim, as these abuses are doled out against you and one might expect that the array of emotional, financial, sexual and most of all psychological abuses that the Mid Ranger uses would mean that The Victim’s Cloak would settle snugly about your shoulders.

No.

The Mid Ranger plucks that cloak from you and places it about his or her shoulders. It is theircloak. You are not allowed the trappings of being a victim because you are not entitled to support or concerned attention. No, that must be directed towards the Mid Ranger. Whilst he rejects the notion of weakness that is often associated with the status of being a victim, he believes he is the victim.

“I cannot believe I was passed over for promotion. I have been discriminated against and I am the best candidate.”

“I cannot begin to tell you how terribly she treats me.”

“I am never invited to see the grand children by my daughter. I don’t know what I have done wrong, but she is intent on making my life miserable.”

The Mid Range Narcissist wants the cloak. It is his by right and he wants everything that goes with it. He wants the Pity Party, the Commiseration Conference and the Sympathy Symposium. He is the victim don’t you know? Show some support, offer a concerned look, ask how he is, suggest a way of helping, agree that he is hard done to, down trodden and treated appallingly and after everything that he has done.

Tell the Mid Range that she deserves to be treated better, that she is well-regarded and this person who has not done what they wanted is an awful, despicable person and an abuser.

The Mid-Ranger always plays the victim even though they are the perpetrator. You are the victim because you are the one who is abused, but the Mid Ranger will never see it that way and he or she will not let anybody regard it that way as she or he pouts and twirls in their Victim’s Cloak. You can never be afforded the ‘benefits’ that should be afforded to the true victim.

Should the Mid-Ranger be of the Victim Cadre also, then order plenty of tissues because he or she will grab that Victim Cloak from you and grimacing, stitch it onto themselves, passing needle and thread through aching skin so that they can never be parted from that cloak.

The Greater

The Greater will never consciously consider him or herself as a victim. Never. After all, we are the hunters, the predators, the ones that targets and finds our prey. Not only that, we need only look at what we do, what we achieve and how we are regarded and this underlines and reinforces that we are not victims.

We do however utilise the notion of being a victim to drive our behaviours but we do not label it as being a victim. No, instead we consider it to be based on revenge. We recognise that the world is a treacherous place, full of untrustworthy charlatans and liars who come with great promises and then who fail to deliver. The simpering and fawning lick spittles who flatter to deceive, although we naturally see through all of that. Yet still, that behaviour, unwarranted and unjustified means we could consider ourselves victims (if we truly would lower ourselves in such a way). However,  we are above that and once we were victims (although we see no reason to be reminded of that fact because we escaped it) means that you, him, her and everyone else will be punished if you even hint at returning us to that almost forgotten state of victimhood.

We have no desire to wear The Victim’s Cloak. It does not belong to us. It is not our size, colour and is made of material that is inferior to us. You are absolutely regarded as the victim because this game we play with you (and one which we revel in) means you have to be the victim because that means we win and you lose. Oh, this cloak is yours alright but just like the Lesser and the Mid-Range narcississt we will deny you any right to wear it. Why should you be afforded any sympathy, support or help? You should not and here’s why ; you deserve to be punished, you have nothing to complain about.

We have given you the world by your association with us and therefore how on earth can you have any basis for complaint? You brought this treatment on yourself, so not only do you deserve it (akin to the view point of the Lesser Narcissist) it goes further than that, it is right and just for you to be treated that way. Should the criminal be afforded sympathy when his sentence is announced? No. Should the morally repugnant member of the community be afforded kindness for his heinous behaviour? No. Then, neither shall you.

You are denied the accoutrements of the status of victim. You are the victim, absolutely but you will not wear that cloak. It does not even reach your shoulders as it does with the victim of the Lesser Narcissist. We forbid it coming anywhere near you. We are the supreme judge of your fate and we always apply the maxim of

‘commodum ex injuria sua nemo habere’

Did you not know that has been stitched into the lining of the Victim’s Cloak? Of course, this maxim is not applicable to us.

 

45 thoughts on “The Victim’s Cloak

  1. FYC says:

    HG, I just read Sitting Target (yes, I should have long ago, I am in the process of reading all of your books). In it, you state victim narcissists are of the lesser variety. I had mistakenly thought there could be a midrange victim category. Would a mid to upper midrange narcissist behaving as a victim repeatedly and blaming others regularly represent playing the victim card versus being a victim narcissist? The person in question would easily qualify as a midrange elite, but takes the position of victim to control and gain fuel. I would appreciate your insights.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The victim cadre can appear in the MidRange School also but is less prevalent. In some instances the existence of other traits (somatic/cerebral/elite) mean that finding of Victim Cadre will not occur and therefore the victim behaviours have a stronger representation within the school. Victim behaviours are always there, but other factors re school and cadre can mean that they do not come to the fore within cadre or school.

    2. WhoCares says:

      FYC,

      “In it, you state victim narcissists are of the lesser variety. I had mistakenly thought there could be a midrange victim category.”

      Your comment and question caught my eye. My narcissists both have a somatic quality to them but have primarily a victim orientation:

      LMRN: persecution complex, i.e. everyone has wronged me, “there must be some orchestrated effort to sabotage my life”, uses health issues etc. to seek out sympathy fuel

      MMRN: ‘everyone I love leaves me’, I am always the victim of someone using and abusing me, also uses the health issues and “chronic” conditions for sympathy fuel

  2. Narc noob says:

    Perhaps there’s a space for the empath or co-d cadre of “victim” also?

  3. WiserNow says:

    Reading this article makes me realise how much I really can’t stand people who have a victim mentality.

    There are ‘real’ victims who live in terrible circumstances and have had very tragic lives. Some people go through hell and still have an inner strength that makes them strive to improve their situation. There are those who have survived tragic events AND want to help others as well, without developing a “woe is me” attitude.

    I have seen and lived with numerous people who have a victim mentality and at first, I believed them and I felt that I wanted to help or reassure or support them. The thing is though, that their victimhood NEVER ends. They are always the poor victim, helpless against a cruel, judgemental and uncaring world. Even when they have lived a relatively good life, with love and support and everything they need. Even when they have co-dependent partners or children that do whatever they ask and are always there to support and dote on them. Even when they had plenty of opportunities, just like everyone else, to face the so-called harsh world and do something positive about their situations.

    It’s true that they twist everything around to make themselves the victim. It’s not the world that’s cruel, judgemental and uncaring. That’s what they are.

  4. Joanne says:

    Oh yes it is most certainly HIS CLOAK. Poor him. He’ll continue to be passed up for promotions due to everyone else’s ass kissing of the higher ups. He was treated so terribly by his ex for YEARS, blah, blah.

    “Tell the Mid Range that she deserves to be treated better, that she is well-regarded and this person who has not done what they wanted is an awful, despicable person and an abuser.” He actually came out and said that any of his girlfriends, post divorce, should TELL him how awful his ex is, regardless of their opinion on whatever her latest “crime” is.

  5. J.G says:

    Hello, H.G. Tudor.
    I didn’t want the victim’s cape and of course, I gave it to my narcissist.
    I prefer the layer of “Superviviente” Spanish word for Survivor.
    This is the layer that should only interest us and we should take to Escape. As SuperHeroe’s layer, you have to wrap yourself in order to overcome and defeat the narcissistic villain.
    The Victim Layers
    are useless and for nothing.Only to remain anchored to the same place. These only serve to remain anchored to the same place. Take the new cape and fly out of your narcissist. ZERO contact,
    00000000000000000000
    The more zeros between you and your narcissist, the better..

    Superviviente: a person who retains his or her life after a dangerous situation or event

    1. J.G says:

      Hello, H.G. Tudor.
      I didn’t want the victim’s layer,
      Of course, I gave it to my narcissist.
      I prefer the layer, of “Surperviviente”.the Spanish word.
      for Survivor.
      This is the layer that should only interest us and that we should take to Escape. As a SuperHero layer, you have to wrap yourself up to defeat and defeat the narcissistic villain.
      The layers of the victim,are useless and for nothing.
      These only serve to remain anchored to the same place and the narcissist.
      Take the new layer and fly out of your narcissist.
      ZERO contact.
      00000000000000000000
      The more zeros between you and your narcissist, the better…

      ***Surperviviente: a person who retains his or her life after a dangerous situation or event.

  6. Carlotta Modesti says:

    I love, LOVE, how you, being a narcissist, classify yourself as a Greater Narcissist. I find it incredibly ironic, considering the amount of time you spend trying to offer a somewhat plain explanation of your behaviour.
    You do truly bless us with your infinite wisdom.

  7. Alexissmith2016 says:

    A question to All readers.

    This question doesn’t fit with this post particularly but I’m Genuinely interested to hear your thoughts.

    I text a colleague to compliment them on their people management skills and I shall post their response below.

    I’m interested to see based on their reply to me, what school/ cadre people perceive them to be. It’s not someone I know particularly well but they are incredibly charming and impossible not to like. Likely from a working class background but have become pretty successful in their career.

    Anyway, their response to my compliment of them:

    ‘Modesty is very disarming and I’m not always modest! More a triumph of style over substance me!’

    ‘Though I leave you with the notion that confidence often is a masquerade for anxiety and a need for reassurance…so thank you for the compliment…feeding my id’

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Alexis2016
      I’m going with pompous ass on this one.

      1. alexissmith2016 says:

        Hahhaha hahahahah NA that really made me laugh real hard!

        Speedy response! Thanks!

        I’m pretty sure he’s an N because of some other Flags.

        But I’m truly loving pompous ass!

      2. Joanne says:

        Alexissmith2016
        I concur with NA here. Also not sure that receiving a compliment has anything to do with feeding one’s id but what do I know 🤷🏼‍♀️

      3. WiserNow says:

        Lol 😂 True NarcAngel, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

      4. nunya biz says:

        Ah, the ‘ol “Pompous” school and “Ass” cadre. I know this one.

    2. K says:

      Alexissmith2016
      My money is on cerebral MMRN. I see projection, arrogance and facade maintenance.

    3. FYC says:

      Seems like an admission of a MRN. Facade over substance; need for recognition and fuel.

    4. Joanne says:

      Alexissmith2016
      I concur with NA here. Also not sure that receiving a compliment has anything to do with feeding one’s id but what do I know 🤷🏼‍♀️

    5. Bubbles 🍾 says:

      Dear Alexissmith2016,
      My personal thoughts……
      What an unusual reply…… I would’ve expected just a “thank you Alexissmith, I really appreciated your feedback”
      Why can’t it be simple ? When you have to try to “decipher” a message…. hmmmmm, not good
      Perhaps it’s straightforward, it’s just what it is
      My female intuition is telling me to be cautious …. I especially don’t like that “substance me” …. what does that mean, why even say that?
      I really don’t get it

      I’m reading so many underlying definitions here
      But then I’m overly suspicious of everyone and everything now, especially, when there’s a need to question
      But what would I know ??? Haha
      I hope you get your answer precious
      Luv Bubbles xx 😘

      1. WiserNow says:

        Dear Bubbles,

        That’s exactly what I thought at first too… “why couldn’t they just say “Thank you for the compliment”?!?! …even if they are a narc. Why can’t it be that simple?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Understandable observation WN. It has to be our way and of course that will invariably appear ridiculously awkward and laborious from your point of view.

        2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dear WiserNow,
          We know now it’s a male
          Eureka…. I’ve got it !

          Modest
          Disarming
          Style
          Substance
          Confidence
          Anxiety
          Reassurance
          Compliment
          Masquerade
          Triumph
          Id

          He’s a closet gay !!!!
          🤣

          1. WiserNow says:

            You could be right Bubbles! He does sound like that now we know it’s a he… and I can stop using ‘they’ instead of he/she… what a relief!

            You know, when you think about it, the average heterosexual male would not generally speak in such a wordy and overly self-absorbed way. The average heterosexual male would probably give you a two word reply and may interpret your compliment as flirting or ‘coming on’ to them. So, I think you’re right.

            If we put your observation together with NarcAngel’s, “he” sounds like a gay pompous ass!! haha 😂 …not that there’s anything wrong with that… 😂😂

            Thank you for the giggle lovely Bubbles! 😘

        3. Bubbles 🍾 says:

          Dear WiserNow,
          Exactly …. he’s way too wordy!
          Real men are of very few words….they just grunt and have selected hearing and probably would’ve replied with just a “thanks”
          If you were to call him a “gay pompous ass” … he’d probably take it as a compliment 🤣
          Don’t ya just luv em 🌈
          Thank you gorgeous
          Luv Bubbles xx 😘

          1. WiserNow says:

            Dear Bubbles,

            Yes, it makes me think that each person’s character or personality is shaped by numerous things, like their sexuality, their race, their age, etc, and to focus only on whether they are empathic or narcissistic can be limiting and also unfair on the person.

            If someone is gay for example, and grew up having to keep that a secret, especially if they of an earlier generation when it wasn’t as easy to come out of the closet as it is nowadays, it could make them develop a ‘facade’ as well. So, if a person has a facade and is covering up their true self, it could be due to other reasons, and not because they are narcissistic.

            Of course, if you throw narcissism into the mix as well, that can make the facade more complicated, and it would be harder to figure out overall.

            When you say “don’t ya just love em”, if it’s an empathic gay man, yes, I’d be happy to be his friend. If it was a narcissistic gay man, well, that’s another story altogether.

            And yes, a narcissist would probably be chuffed at being called a gay pompous ass 😂 …it’s negative fuel!

            Thank you for your comment Bubbles. It’s always a pleasure 😘

          2. NarcAngel says:

            Wisernow
            Good point. There are many other factors and differences culturally that would have people appear narcissistic when they are not.

          3. WiserNow says:

            Thank you NarcAngel 🙂

          4. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Hahahah maybe we need an entire thread on pompous/hilarious things Ns say which normal people just don’t!

          5. Bubbles a says:

            Dear WiserNow,
            Thank you lovely
            I really admire your inner expansion thought process, thank you
            I agree with you and NarcAngel
            This work colleague, may highly likely, be covering a “facade” as well. If I had received this text, I would be as perplexed, as is Alexissmith2016
            It would’ve been so much easier if this person had just replied in person …. haha
            WiserNow, I have had first hand experience with a “a gay narcissist” …. oh boy!! The empathetic ones are just beautiful!
            Don’t ya just luv em ? 🤣
            Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    6. WiserNow says:

      Alexis2016

      That comment is not that easy to figure out. I’m not sure if the person is a narcissist just by reading this one response to you. Since they openly say they are “a triumph of style over substance” about their own self makes me think they’re simultaneously congratulating themselves AND aware that they also lack substance. They’re not afraid or hesitant about admitting that and saying it out loud. It’s a strange blend of self-praise and self-deprecating. I’m not sure that a narcissist would openly admit they really lack substance or are masquerading, so it makes me uncertain.

      Their manner of speaking – almost in riddles – makes me think they’re “cerebral”. They sound quite knowledgeable and aware of psychological concepts since they talk openly and casually about “my id” and say that “confidence often is a masquerade for anxiety etc”, so it sounds like they have developed some knowledge about their own self as well as how to mask their true feelings.

      I would say they sound like they have some cerebral narcissistic tendencies that could spill over into playing the victim, so possibly a mid-ranger. However, that is a wild guess really, based on only this one comment.

      1. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Hahahha oh wow!! Thanks so much for everyone’s replies. I loved reading every single one!

        He is 100% N lots of other little behaviours, e.g repeatedly looking at my LinkedIn account. Like several times each day lol.

        Not sure what school yet. Cerebral – he is definitely intelligent. He is extremely smooth and charming in person. Incredibly hospitable even though somone lf his ranking would not need to do this himself.

        A few of you seem to suggest he’s a mid. He’s not displayed any victim tendencies yet, but I hardly know him. I’ll keep you posted if he displays any.

        This was lots of fun!!! Thanks guys xxx

        And don’t worry, I will be steering well clear.

        1. WiserNow says:

          You’re welcome Alexissmith2016. It was interesting to try and decipher the comment and read everyone’s views.

      2. Bubbles 🍾 says:

        Dear WiserNow,
        I totally agree …. self praise and self deprecating!
        I really liked your analysis
        Riddly riddly ree … there’s something I CANT see

        Why is this person “trying” to put an “intellectual” spin on it, yet
        give away insecurities
        Very interesting
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Riddly, riddly ree – hahhah that cracked me up.

          Hmm I was unsure yesterday whether he was mid or greater. Now after a little more interaction (only a little so still a bit too early to tell), pretty sure he is a mid, terribly bothered about the facade and has commented that he recognises his charm and that worries him that people think he’s charming BecuSe that would mean he’s not sincere And he’s the most sincere errson I could meet, apparently. likely an UMR?

          HG, can we get your seal of approval?

        2. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Jesus! After a Little more probing this evening, turns out to be another mid who thinks he’s a psychopath.

          hg, are there just many more of these than I first realised or do I just seem to be a magnet for this particular type?

          1. HG Tudor says:

            There is no statistically reliable data to confirm how many MR operate in this fashion, they will be numerous although I suspect you are a magnet for them also.

          2. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Thanks HG.

            I am always kind to them and looking back on things throughout my life, I seem to have attracted Way more than my fair share although even before I knew what an N was I would always rebuff them. But if still be kind and happy to be their friend. I always found this type of person particularly repulsive so never became romantically involved but very good at hiding this. Perhaps I just felt sorry for them (I don’t any more, but still can’t be horrible) and so have always been friendly towards them and they delusionally believe I’m interested and playing hard to get.

            The greaters on the other hand… and the somatic lessers…

        3. WiserNow says:

          Thank you Bubbles :-)*

  8. kel says:

    The news just showed a clip from Gayle King’s interview with R. Kelly regarding charges against him with underage girls, that he also brainwashed them, and he lost it and started crying and lashing out and standing up a little violently, saying he’s too good to people and always forgiving them, and Gayle hit it right on the nose and said to him, ‘It sounds like you’re playing the victim, it does, it sounds like R. Kelly is playing the victim’.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Quite a performance. I would have loved for her to have reminded him he’s a singer and not an actor lol, but I do like that she did the right thing and remained calm.

    2. Mercy says:

      Kel, I didn’t see this yet. You can tell his victims are brainwashed and him playing the victim fits!

    3. WiserNow says:

      I laughed out loud when he said he needs help for his big heart 😂 There was so much denial, deflection and projection in his rant. He was playing the victim big-time.

  9. Leolita says:

    If a (lesser or mid ranger) is confronted over telephone with a question, (are you with her?) delivered without fuel- and immediately hangs up and goes into a SMS frenzy, calling you all the names and stating how much he hates you, and harrasses you by calling and just hanging up (30 times or so) and then after some hours writes «I did not mean it, I am just so sick of this»…. how to analyze this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The narcissist has been wounded and the response is the product of ignited fury.

  10. WhoCares says:

    “‘a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment’”

    It finally struck me. It it’s still about learned helplessness isn’t it all? I know all those studies from psychology classes. I know that moment when Sarah looks at the Goblin King and says “You have no power over me.”

    I escaped once. But I have to escape again…and again…and again – because society has layers upon layers etc that make it so – no wonder I’m so tired and want to go live under a rock.

    No wonder you feel so unfettered and free.

    …but we aren’t islands, are we?

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