Narcissist v IPPS, Candidate IPSS and Shelf IPSS
This article provides you with the analysis of an interaction between a Somatic Lower Mid-Range Narcissist and three Standard Empaths (one from the Magnet Cadre the other two from the Carrier Cadre). The emphasis is not about the schools and cadres of the participants (although the flavour will be evident) but rather on demonstrating the nature of the interaction and how the narcissist regards the two.
The narcissist has a co-habiting partner (Carrier Standard Empath)and thus this person is an Intimate Partner Primary Source (“IPPS”) in devaluation. They have been in a Formal Relationship of partners for two years. Devaluation commenced one year ago.
The Candidate Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“CANIPSS” – Standard Magnet Empath) lives in the same city as the narcissist. She is single. They met on a dating site. They have met in person and known one another three weeks. The Formal Relationship is narcissist and CANIPSS, early dating.
The Shelf Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“SIPSS” – Standard Carrier Empath) also lives in the same city as the narcissist and the CANIPSS. She is single and met the narcissist on the same dating site. They have met several times and have known one another for two months. The Formal Relationship is narcissist and SIPSS, established dating. The SIPSS is viewed as white and is currently on the shelf.
The narcissist awakes and immediately thinks about the CANIPSS. This is a Hoover Trigger (“HT”). She is viewed as white, he has her telephone number, they are friends on social media sites, the Hoover Execution Criteria are easily met and therefore he issues a hoover by sending a text message. Note that a hoover occurs as part of seduction.
“Hi, dreamt about you last night, better not say though, you might get too carried away before work.”
The CANIPSS answers within seconds by text.
“Wow, I like that, go on, you can tell me.” Positive fuel, potency high as CANIPSS, quantity low (written message) and one-off frequency.
Pleased by the effect of the fuel and the rapid response (signalling to the narcissist that the CANIPSS is coming under his control) he replies
“Let’s just say we both enjoyed it. Would be even better in person.”
The CANIPSS again responds in seconds by text.
“You think so? You sound pretty confident, I am no pushover you know, lol.” Positive challenge fuel (potency et al as before).
The narcissist whilst challenged by this text sees it as an opportunity to assert his perceived superiority but in a benign way.
“Of course. I know what I am doing. You will have to let me find out.”
The CANIPSS again responds in seconds.
“I might just do that. Did you have anything in mind?” Positive fuel (potency et al as prior)
The narcissist is buoyed by the fuel but moreover identifies that the CANIPSS is clearly interested and thus his control is slowly increasing. He responds quickly by text.
“How about I take you out for dinner tonight?”
A text arrives from the SIPPS.
“Hi, how are you? I was just thinking about last week and how much we enjoyed that new Thai place. How about we go again? I am free tonight or tomorrow.” Positive fuel, potency high (as SIPSS), quantity low as written word, frequency one off.
The narcissist does not respond however, even though the SIPSS is viewed as white. She is on the shelf and he is focussed on the CANIPSS as he impatiently awaits her response to his suggestion.
The CANIPSS texts back.
“I cannot do tonight. I have something on.”
This rejection wounds the narcissist. It is only mild in nature however as it is by text. He is slightly irritated by this but as he is in the seduction period with the CANIPSS and therefore she is viewed in a white manner he maintains his control so the ignited fury does not manifest. He replies by text to the CANIPSS.
“How about tomorrow night?”
Just then the IPPS (the cohab partner) appears at the bedroom door. She is in devaluation and is viewed as black.
“On the ‘phone again are we? You are never off it, I swear it’s welded to your hand.” she says with a frown and a shake of her head. Negative Challenge Fuel. Very high potency (IPPS), significant quantity (in presence, spoken word, tone, body language, facial expression), frequency one off.
This is negative Challenge Fuel. She demonstrates irritation and annoyance. It is a Challenge because she is ‘attacking’ the narcissist’s right to use the ‘phone when he chooses. Also because it suggests that he is not doing something right because he is on the ‘phone. The narcissist is not concerned that he is texting another woman and his partner has caught him on the ‘phone (albeit she does not know what who he is interacting with) but rather it is the Challenge as described which has to be addressed.
“Yes I am because someone has to work hard and bring the money in to pay for you and your wretched wardrobe haven’t they?” he responds with a provocative comment designed to draw further negative fuel but moreover to stamp on the challenge issued by the IPPS.
The IPPS puts her hands on her hips (negative fuel, very high potency, moderate quantity – presence, facial expression, body language, frequency one off.
“Yeah, you know what I am talking about.” goads the narcissist with another provocative remark. As he says this, he texts the CANIPSS again.
“I know this really good Thai restaurant which you will love, my treat naturally.” (Of course this is the same Thai restaurant that the narcissist went to with the SIPPS evidencing his lack of distinction between the people he is engaging with as they are appliances to him.)
Rather than wait for her response barely a minute after suggesting the restaurant, his lack of boundary recognition and sense of entitlement causes him to send this text. Further, the black view he has of the IPPS remains a stark contrast to the white view taken of the CANIPSS. In his mind the IPPS is a traitor, the CANIPSS the increasingly loyal saviour.
“Oh and you never buy any clothes do you?” retorts the IPPS in annoyance. Negative Challenge Fuel, very high potency, significant quantity (presence, spoken word, tone, facial expression, boy language) , frequency one off. Challenge since the IPPS is suggesting that he is a hypocrite.
“I can buy what I like you money-grabbing ungrateful bitch, I earn it.” The narcissist increases the provocation with a gratuitous insult designed to garner more fuel but mainly to establish superiority again.
“Oh and I suppose I do nothing other than run the house and do a job do I? Anyway, I haven’t got time for this, I will see you at 1pm for lunch right?”
This is negative Challenge Fuel because she is suggesting the narcissist is ungrateful and does not do as much as she does (therefore she is superior) and furthermore she is trying to close down the discussion by having the last word which also challenges the narcissist’s notion of superiority. As she says this a text arrives from the CANIPSS.
“Yes, tomorrow would be great, I will be free at 8pm, let me know the name of the restaurant, I cannot wait and if you are good you can come back for coffee afterwards.”
Positive fuel, high potency, low quantity and one-off frequency. The narcissist’s control is increasing.
“Excellent. Cannot wait. Wear something hot, that blue dress really suits you.” he texts back.
His prescriptive nature about telling the CANIPSS what to wear evidences his sense of entitlement and increasing ownership of the appliance that she is to him. He also, owing to this sense of entitlement and lack of accountability sees nothing wrong with doing this and making the IPPS wait for him to respond. She stands waiting, glaring, providing further negative fuel. Her Challenge to him has still not been dealt wth. The narcissist is edified by the positive fuel from the SIPSS, more positive fuel from the CANIPSS but especially from the negative fuel from the IPPS. His day has started very well indeed and it is only 7-30 am.
“Oh I cannot make it, I have to go through the pitch with Ian.” answers the narcissist. This is a lie however his lack of conscience means he has no issue with stating this to the IPPS.
“You haven’t mentioned that before, well tell him you cannot do it,” responds the IPPS in irritation. Negative Challenge Fuel (telling the narcissist what to do), very high potency, significant quantity, one-off frequency.
The narcissist is under attack again and his verbal responses have failed to assert superiority as required. He has no fuel problem however. Since he has been accused of not telling the IPPS something he responds verbally
“Yes I did, I told you yesterday, but you do not listen, you never do, too caught up in yourself.” He issues a denial against her accusation of not having told her about the engagement with Ian which is part of the Narcissist’s First Line of Defence (see the article The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence). He is also seeking to stamp out her challenge by shifting the tack of the discussion (an instinctive response) through the manipulation of Projection by accusing her of the very thing he does.
“No you didn’t. you did not say anything,” she says in annoyance. Again Challenge Fuel of a negative variety. Potency et al remains the same.
The narcissist shifts manipulation (instinctively) again by ignoring her. Present Silent Treatment. Her status as viewed black causes him to think of asserting his superiority further even though she IPPS will not know what he is doing, in his mind, he is gaining superiority through this next act.
The narcissist texts the SIPSS.
“Hi, good to hear from you, I was just about to text you when you texted me.” (A lie but it will make the SIPPS feel wanted).
“How about lunch today at 1pm? My treat. The Thai restaurant is open at lunch as well.”
(Note the second offer to buy a meal for someone outside of his relationship – a somatic gesture of generosity)
The IPPS stands waiting for an answer. She is still providing negative fuel from her stance, frown and glaring eyes. The narcissist continues to ignore her maintaining the Present Silent Treatment.
The SIPSS replies by text
“Yeah, great, I did have something on at 12-30 but I can move it for you (Carrier Empath – poor boundary assertion) I will meet you at 1pm, cannot wait.”
The SIPSS is on the shelf still (short exchange) but will be taken off the shelf for the lunch appointment – assuming the narcissist attends. He may not if circumstance dictates this benefits him. She remains viewed white.
Her text is positive fuel of high potency, low quantity and one-off frequency.
“Oh forget it!” hisses the IPPS he remains ignored as the narcissist starts flicking through a set of pictures he has exchanged with the SIPPS which gives him a small amount of Thought Fuel alongside the negative fuel that the IPPS continues to pump out as she is ignored and annoyed.
The IPPS storms off and slams the front door leaving the property. This last act provides another does of negative fuel because it is an annoyed gesture. The well-fuelled narcissist smiles and finally rises from his bed. It is only 7-37 am and his day has begun rather well for him.
IPPS remains in devaluation and painted black.
Candidate IPSS is prime candidate in seduction, painted white and the narcissist will repeatedly hoover her during the day in a benign way, ahead of their date tomorrow night.
SIPPS is on shelf until lunchtime, painted white and ranking behind the Candidate IPSS still.. with no prospect of any immediate shift in that status.
39 thoughts on “Narcissist v IPPS, Candidate IPSS and Shelf IPSS”
I have been in this situation pretty much verbatim at a time when I was IPPS in devaluation. After accessing his phone I saw the messages which were very similar to the ones above and was told that his phone had broke that day and was sending random messages to strangers! I was the crazy girlfriend and needed to stop overreacting & stupidly I eventually bought this excuse of a broken phone (of course I knew deep down that was not the case) because I so desperately wanted to believe the love of my life who I had loved since I was 13 (subsequently heartbroken at 17) and then got hoovered again 28 years later, would never break my heart again. And also maybe a bit narcissistic of me but I didn’t think he could get better than me or would ever want another girl again. The fact the CANIPPS & SIPPS he was asking to treat to a meal (at an expensive restaurant he had promised to take me to), were not successful, attractive or even his type whatsoever gave me reassurance that maybe his phone was broken (Jeez when I think back now that I was ever so gullible is ridiculous). Anyway this article alone has told me more than £1000 + in therapy.
I find it fascinating yet terrifying that people with this disorder seem to have the exact same patterns and behaviours. I wish I’d know this many years ago, but thankfully I do now.
I will take that for use on the testimonial page for value for money!
I’m what you have termed a Super Empath, although I’m not a fan of the title, all sounds a bit Hollywood to me. Traits are traits and strengths are strengths, mine just happen to revolve around noticing things about people your average bear misses.
I read ‘Ask’ yesterday, an interesting read, although I found some of the questions a little vague. I was wondering HG, as not all empaths are fully aware they are empaths, has any one ever spoken to you about the desire to give ‘the benefit of the doubt’ to a narcissist?
The internet has only recently lit up with the term ‘empath’ and ‘narcissist’ yet we have been around for centuries. I think that many are fooled by your kind as actually, it feels to far fetched still to believe in you.
Giving the benefit of the doubt to the narcissist is frequent, it is flawed logic arising form emotional thinking. Well done on giving yourself a title which you are not a fan of.
I used it as a form of identification for the purpose of your blog. It’s all over the internet, not a dig at you for using it at all. Have you ever researched how empaths actually come to the realisation that they are empaths in the first place? How narcissists fully realise what they are? Both sets are considerably stronger when they reach this realisation.
I did not take it as a dig, thank you for the clarification about usage.
1. Empaths realise what they are from a variety of sources which includes, my work, the work of others, gaining a label for the behaviours which they recognise.
2. The vast majority of narcissists do not know what they are.
Thank you for your prompt responses to my questions. You clearly invest time and effort into this blog and your research. I admire your honesty. Thinking about cooking you the Sunday lunch you don’t realise that you want yet.
I think you are probably right. Empaths will naturally seek to get to the truth of who they are and why they feel the way they do, while narcissists probably don’t feel the need.
My realisation was strange. I had a chance meeting in a coffee shop of all places. Met a man who I can only describe as a ‘white light’ who actually told me what I was there and then. The strangest encounter with the most magnetic personality I ever met. My journey to realisation began there. I do think there are similarities between our two kinds, there was another comment I read on your blog suggesting the same. I think we just use some of those core traits for different ends. Would you agree?
Thank you for your prompt responses to my questions. You clearly put a lot of effort into this blog and your research. I admire your honesty. Thinking about what to cook for the Sunday lunch you don’t realise you want yet.
If this isn’t too personal a question, and my apologies if you have already answered this a thousand times before. What kind of narcissist are you and how did you reach your own self realisation? (My last post failed to send, sorry all if it shows up twice!)
See the about section.
Just in case you aren’t familiar with navigating the blog, here’s the link and you can always Google narcsite to pull up About.
Thanks K. First time I have been on here or any other blog for the matter. Just finding my way around 🙂
My pleasure truthseeker6157
Welcome to the blog! Formal Info is located on the top right, if you haven’t already read it, you may want to check out Acronyms, FAQs and The Rules of Knowing The Narcissist. Enjoy the reading!
If a narc insists on an «open relationship» and the ‘current (primary) sexpartner’ accepts this- does that change anything? or is it a «formal relationship» even though the arrangement is open? Is the person still the IPPS/ will there be devaluation also in these circumstanses?
Such an arrangement would either mean you are an IPSS or an IPPS in devaluation.
Ok Thank you!
(That is his new arrangement with the «replacement»).
She contacted me several months ago, before I knew she had anything to do with him. She wanted to go for a walk, with me (even though we have not had contact for several years, because of her drug addiction that has a negative impact on her personality) and then asked if I was still with him.
If he spends alot of time with her, more than with other sources, does that make her the IPPS regardless of what he calls it?
1. Ask yourself this? Why do you need to know where she fits into the fuel matrix with regard to a narcissist you need to go no contact with and is clearly causing your ET to remain high, a fact which you acknowledged yourself only a couple of days ago.
2. What you have written does not, in itself, make her the IPPS.
Yes, Sorry! I know, I’ll spank myself later 🙈 I am going to try and not ask regarding this, anymore. Hate my ET.
Focus on you, not him or her.
I am så glad I have you to watch out for me. You are the best!!!
Correct and you are welcome.
HG, I understand that ipps goes into devaluation then is idealized again back and forth. What triggers the ipps from devaluation into discard?
Do narcissists always flaunt the IPPS if they are sure they are properly embedded? I mean if they are active on social media for example, will they brag about new IPPS or make it known that they are taken and happy in relationship?
My ex “plays” single for almost 3 years. During that time he was dating a few women but he still portrayed himself as single. Does this mean that he wasn’t able to find a proper IPPS and when he finally will he will make it known?
1. Not always.
2. Read The Veiled IPPS.
Mine was in a relationship 2x and there was never any evidence of it (on his side). The girlfriend updated her FB status, posted and tagged photos of him. His status remained “Divorced” and there was never a single picture or reference to her. I think he is an UMRE, high cognitive function and able to juggle multiple IPSS’s. So while he spent time with her and considered her his girlfriend, he also could not risk losing his IPSS prospects (and their fuel).
what if at this point the IPPS packed her things and left the narcissist?
Would it change the dynamics? Would he try an Initial Grand Hoover to bring her back despite she was painted black a minute ago and he is in love bombing stage with other appliances? What if he tries to bring her back – how the shelf IPSS and CANIPSS status changes because of that?
Yes there would be a Preventative Hoover first (if possible) of the IGH because the Candidate is not quite there. If the IGH failed, the Candidate is likely (all else remaining equal) to be made the IPPS. The Shelf would stay there and be placed on the shelf as the new olden period commences.
Dearest HG: I need you to hold me by the hand and walk me through these. They are amazing insights. You really could write scripts. I`d love to act in one, but only as an unaware candidate the escapes through fate, because of a job transfer to another country or something like that.
Dearest HG: What is a somatic gesture of generosity?
Giving or lending money, buying gifts, paying for dinner, buying a holiday, paying a bill for you to name a few.
Will the N do this for everyone, regardless of position in the FM?
Will they do what, Leolita?
The somatic gestures of generousity that you mentioned.
It will vary according to school.
He did that to me, but have heard he has done that to others as well. While I was his IPPS he paid for a boob job for somebody else, who he was desperately hoping to ensnare. Of course I did not know about it, but living in a small area the news reached me very soon. (I was trying to find out if this is done to the IPPS or candidate IPPS, regarding the ML).
Would this be the same for elites?
Would what be the same for the elite cadre?
My MMRN payed for everything and everyone. It is a great way to generate positive fuel and create binding.