17 Salvos of Silence
Silence is golden. Or rather, it is a golden weapon when deployed by our kind. The use of silent treatment against our victims is a major part of our portfolio of abusive manipulations. Easy to implement, very low in terms of energy expended but capable of reaping such considerable rewards in terms of fuel, control, the assertion of superiority and the administration of power, it is little wonder that we use it regularly. The application of silence can be used virtually at any time and in nearly every situation. This cold fury causes frustration, upset, fearfulness, concern, confusion and bewilderment. It is perfect at drawing fuel from our victims. It is astonishing just how it affects those it is used against, causing the emotional fuel to froth and spill from the perplexed and worried individual. It causes anxiety and has a most unsettling effect which ensures that those who are subjected to it are unable to understand why it is being used. By maintaining a heightened emotional state, we ensure that you never manage to grasp what is happening and why this passive aggressive tactic is being used. It plays to your desire to know what is happening and why, but you do not realise. You hover around us, asking what is wrong, why are you not speaking to me, what is the matter, please just talk to me. Every sentence you utter, every plea you make and every beseeched demand just makes us continue it all the more. In those instances, where the silent treatment is administered and we remain proximate to you, we will maintain a glacial mask. An impassive fixed expression which may be punctuated by the occasional baleful glare, but underneath this mask we are smiling and laughing at you. Look at how upset she is, see the confusion in her eyes and wait for it, here comes another question, another plea, another request to be put out of her misery. How the fuel flows and we revel in what we see.
Even when the silent treatment is utilised against you from a distance and we are not physically with you, we are savouring just how you will be reacting. We can picture you frantically jabbing your ‘phone as you send text after text asking us to come home, to call you and just explain what the problem is. We listen to your tear-infused voicemails as you ask us to just let you know that we are okay. Your sobbing promises to work things out and “whatever I have done, I am sorry, but please, please don’t do this to me.” Of course your failure to understand what you have done is used against you in two ways so that you are damned either way. Your admission that you do not know what you have done (which of course is entirely correct, how could you know what has happened when we just walked out of the living room when everybody was say quietly watching television?) just serves to underline, in our minds, that we are right to take this course of action. Good Lord, why should we bother to contact you if you cannot even be bothered to work out what you have done wrong. All the more reason to keep this silence going for a while longer yet. Furthermore, because it is so effective at troubling you and keeping you guessing as to what the reason for this icy front is, we want to continue it.
The silent treatment is used for many reasons. First and foremost, as with all manipulations, it is used to draw fuel. It is to exert control over you. It is to keep you in an emotional place and thus paralysed, unable to see what is happening and unable to think clearly. It is to reinforce that we are powerful, superior and mighty, whilst you are useless and pathetic. You do not know how to please us, you do not know how to remedy matters and you cannot even work out what you have done. You are useless.
There is also a further reason why we use the silent treatment. This is our way of killing you. True enough there are those of our kind who actually do kill their victims. Those people are idiots. They lack control, function and competence and allow their knee-jerk response to override their need for fuel and the ability to do as we please. By committing such an act, by losing control and killing, those of our kind who do this (invariably the lesser of our kind) not only destroy their primary source of fuel (often with no true contingency in place) but they then hand themselves on a plate to the authorities, a prison sentence and the attendance diminution in fuel gathering opportunities that arise from incarceration. As I wrote, they are idiots.
Those of us who exert control over our responses, those of us who are of a higher function, who plot and plan and calculate, do not go down such a route. No, instead we slay with silence and here are seventeen salvos which bring about that quiet death.
- Remaining in the room and saying nothing and not even acknowledging you.
- Remaining silent but staring malevolently at you.
- Talking to others in a social gathering but blanking you.
- Ignoring your telephone calls.
- Answering your telephone calls but saying nothing as we listen to you beg and plea before ending the call.
- Ignoring your text messages.
- Allowing you to know we have read your messages but never responding.
- Responding to everybody else’s comments on a social media post but not yours.
- Inviting everybody in a social group to which you belong, to an event, but not inviting you.
- Agreeing to meet for a date and not turn up.
- Sleeping in the spare room or on the sofa, anywhere but in the bed with you.
- Walking out all of a sudden and completely disappearing.
- Not engaging with you directly but acknowledging your existence through a third party – “John, did you hear something then? I thought I heard something squeak/whine/moan” used when you speak.
- Extending the silent treatment so it is meted out by lieutenants and members of the coterie.
- Responding to any written communication from you by writing “I do not recognise the sender of this letter/message/e-mail”
- We talk to you but only about our day, what we want to discuss and do not allow you to speak. We talk over you, ignore what you have to say and behave as if we are talking to ourselves in the mirror.
- You hear from other parties that we have been talking in terms as if you do not exist – “Yes, I am going to the wedding next week, I am happy to do so on my own, I am not being controlled then.” Even though you had no idea that we have such a plan in mind. Your existence has been eradicated and deleted by us and relayed back to you by proxy.
Yes, the application of the silent treatment is powerful indeed. It is regarded as a “death blow” against you.
Murdering without feeling has never been so damn appealing.
44 thoughts on “17 Salvos of Silence”
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Actually A mid range or lesser would not know what they are so this would actually only pertain to a greater having that shared knowledge with someone in his fuel matrix. So I would imagine even with the knowledge and intelligence a greater has, instinct and his survivor instinct would preserve over everything else?
his father died last week, and he sent me a sms, I unlocked watsapp and he said … thank you for your regret, but not if it is you, I called my attention when reading this on the blog. again in the center of the diana mister hg. 15 . Responding to any written communication from you by writing “I do not recognize the sender of this letter / message / e-mail”
Dearest Manuel Simon Rodriguez,
My thoughts are with you on the loss of your father
😔
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Will it last? I’m suing him and I’ve exposed him to his wife for the liar and cheat he is. He’s blocked me (which is just fine by me), but I’d really like to know if I’m still in danger of another hoover at some point? He doesn’t know he’s been exposed yet – that news will drop courtesy of a bailiff tomorrow!
An email consultation will assist you in that regard.
Beautifulmadness. Wow. You are taking on a Narcissist, the Court System, and a marriage. All this is so large. Please consult H.G. Tudor so that you have someone who has evaluated and knows this extremely charged landscape, so that you know what moves can be made and how to best protect yourself from all logic and emotional thinking and malice that may be heading your way, from all of them, including the court system and the judge. Judges are flesh and blood people and have their own biases as well. Plus, the courts use their own discretion more than most people believe and would be comfortable with. There are many unknowns for you. And this is quite a complex dynamic that you are entering. And some of these people know how to charm the court system, because I hate to say this, but the courts are like people in the sense that the person who brings the bad news is viewed like a bad messenger. Hence the quote: `Please do not shoot the messenger.` You are the messenger. Also, marriage has an advantage in the court system. Also, these people know how to lay low and band together against the other woman, to nullify the threat with the court, and they then can strike back at you later. Be forewarned. You have entered a major chess game, and HG knows this landscape and how the pieces can move and shift. Do not allow yourself to be blindsided. I do not wish to alarm you, but in reality, I do wish to at least alert you in your highly sophisitcated situation. You will be looked at like a woman scorned, in most cases: However, you know all the particulars. Get help now. And remember to try to tell HG everything, even if you did negative, so he can help you counter that, as well. It is worth it! ~~PSE
Someone of you had said before that some narcs are needed in this world for what they do … among them artists .. I wasn’t so sure about that, but yes, I am positive this is the case that it took a narc to take (and make) it all. It’s just a thesis of mine, of course, just my thoughts ….
I had been wondering about Bill Kaulitz and his twin brother (Tom), Tom seeming to me very kind and a cutie, but Bill is an icon, most comfortable of being in the center. Some of his ways struck me when I saw him in a current TV show, I had never paid attention to him before, other than knowing who “Tokio Hotel” are, as it is impossible in Germany not to know and because he used to look like a beautiful, adorable Animé or Manga figure.
In short: He and his brother said a lot of things in interviews that support my first impression, them having the perfect symbiosis, and all. All Bill says about himself, or his twin brother says about him, are 100% along the lines of what HG describes about narcs, so many details.
What really puzzles me is how I don’t think that Tom is narcissistic at all. And he said he was the protective one of the two. While Bill seems to be the shield keeping too much (overwhelming) attention and hate away from the others. But how did that happen that one of twins gets narcissistic, the other doesn’t – and they _always_ till today stayed together? Both say they need each other, that they are two parts of one circle … They said that they wouldn’t need anyone else, only for sex once in a while (or a lot at one time haha), and Bill not even that.
In short: Bill loves being on the stage, in the center of attention, he sucks all that energy up, and he seems to need it and to crave it, and he is able to take attacks, too.
The point being: I don’t think any other boy (at 15, … 16 … years of age, … being told by a beauty surgeon that he had the perfect proportions and looks, being chosen by Karl Lagerfeld … what a narc dream ….) would have been able to take that attention, the overwhelming number of fans day and night always in front of his door, – but also the hate and criticism they got (and keep getting).
He was always the one at the center of it all, and somehow he could handle it. And allowed the rest of the band to stay (more or less…) in the background. Most of the adoration but also hate was aimed at him, the others behind him.
So, here is a song he wrote, my translation …. I don’t think it can get more narc. But I wonder if it helps to sing about it? He said all his songs were about love and he doesn’t care about male or female … He wrote this one when he still had his boyish voice, so must have been like .. .14 or 15 ….
Ich bin nich’ ich (I’m not myself)
My eyes look at me and can find no comfort
I can’t keep watching myself,
Everything that used to be here, I can’t find within myself anymore
Everything gone, like in a delusional trance
I see myself vanishing more and more
I am not myself, when you are not with me, I am alone
And what’s left of me now, I don’t want to me
Outside the heaven is hanging askew
And on the wall your good-bye letter
I am not myself, when you are not with me, I am alone
I don’t know anymore, who I am
What’s important anymore
That is all somewhere, where you are
Without you through the night
I can’t find anything within myself anymore
What have you done to me
I see myself vanishing more and more
I am dissolving slowly
I can’t stand myself anymore
I can’t get rid of you inside of me
No matter where you are, come and save me
Sorry, it’s:
I am not myself, when you are not with me, I am alone
And what’s left of me now, I don’t want to BE.
Outside the SKY is hanging askew
And on the wall your farewell letter
I am not myself, when you are not with me, I am alone
Hi Ava,
I do not know much about their private life except that Tom K. is having a romantic relationship with somatic narcissist Heidi Klum. He is probably not a narcissist if she chose him as her IP. She needs someone she can control and manipulate.
Two relative of mine were twins. They were very close and used to work together and spend a lot of time together. Only one of them developed a NPD. The other one married a somatic MRN and suffered from depression. When his narc wife died, his depression disappeared. He seemed to enjoy his life with his grandchild.
The twin’s mother was a controlling domineering narcissist but their father was an empath. Having an empathetic father may have played an important role in their upbringing.
Hi E.B.,
see, that got my interest first, in regard to Tom Kaulitz — being with Heidi Klum (whom I like) and being all cute, and he never seems to have to be the center of attention … he seems happy to let her be in the center.
And THEN I saw his brother in her show, acting all narc. So I watched movies and read about them, like, … 10-15 years late. … ;D But it’s absolutely fascinating!
So, yes, I agree with you. And – I cannot know, but my wild guess is from my impressions from afar – Tom might have to devide his empath powers between two people in future. … Bill was talking about the marriage of Tom & Heidi in an interview like it was HIS wedding, like, HE answered immediately, when in fact Tom was asked about it. ;D Haha.
If I had met Bill when he was like 17 … I would so have fallen for him. All dark angel mode … Today I find Tom more interesting, which surprised me. ;D Also: they totally look alike and yet Bill used to look … more interesting, or even better. When in fact he wasn’t better looking. So, that is also this weird narc thing that they often appear to be better looking than most. When they aren’t really. (Well in this case, I think, both twins are very good looking, but it’s all how they present themselves individually….).
It had surprised me to hear Tom speaking like 10 years ago about how he was the one feeling he had to protect his brother … and he was/is not self-conscious at all, and had always spoken his mind. In old interviews, Bill had that typical narc way of reassuring himself, if he was saying the appropriate things. Tom did not. ;D I read that the two of them had just now disenherited (is that the correct word? I mean: removed him from their will) their father. I assume there is a reason for that …
So, what happened to the narc twin brother you’re related to, when his twin got married?
Hi Ava,
Interesting what you mentioned about them. TK came to my attention this year when I heard about his romantic relationship on the news. I did not know he had been disinherited.
“what happened to the narc twin brother you’re related to when he got married”
They were identical twins, very close and used to work together but their personal *and* their work relationship suffered because of their wives interfering in their relationship.
The narc twin had a sense of humour. I used to get along very well with him and enjoyed our interesting discussions. His negative narcissistic side showed when he was at work. His ‘Normal’ wife did not share any of his interests but expected him to share hers and take care of them. I do not remember having a proper conversation with her – only small talk. Making up lies about other women (she used the words weird, crazy, a lesbian and such) and complaining how poor she was (they were well-off) were her favourite subjects. She never spoke badly about the other twin’s narc wife when in front of me. She knew I was in contact with her. When I got married the Normal spread lies about me and my husband, whom she had not met before, for no reason.
The twin brother married a somatic MRN. He used to look exhausted, depressed, disconnected and neglected. I asked myself if he had an alcohol problem but I never saw anything out of the ordinary even when I spent time (days) with him and his family. I cannot remember any narcissistic traits. He never contradicted his MRN wife, who was very similar to his Matrinarc. MRN wife used to put him down with passive-aggressive comments when in front of other people. She did not let him do anything without her approving of it. Her husband was not allowed to go anywhere, unless accompanied by her. She decided how long they stayed and when to leave when visiting. She never worked but went so far as to set her own office space at his husband’s company (she took a room and bought new expensive furniture) and played the owner’s role. She fired loyal, long-standing employees during her first week. She had no idea what she was supposed to do and was not interesting in knowing anything. It was surreal.
She did not let her husband go to social gatherings alone or when she knew that his twin brother and his Normal wife would be there too. The twins were not able to have a normal personal or work relationship. I thought he was going to pass before her, but she got a fatal disease and died in less than a year.
Then he began to change – slowly but steadily. He had a smile on his face for the first time in decades and did not look exhausted or distressed anymore. His narc twin passed away about a year later after his narc wife. The twins did not have a lot of time to enjoy their relationship without others interfering in it. A sad story.
No noo he didn’t get disinherited, they disinherited their father from their combined 75 million or whatever they got ….
Hi E.B.,
thank you, that was very interesting to read.
But so the twins didn’t suffer much from each other or being not much together anymore? But more like from their partners?
Wow, that narc wife was extreme it seems.
How come, that twin had never learned to stay more unaffected when he must have known his brother so closely? (But sure, could ask the same myself). Like K did? 😉
Hm, yes, a sad story.
Hi Ava,
The narc wife was the problem. She interfered in the twins’ relationship until she died.
“How come, that twin had never learned to stay more unaffected when he must have known his brother so closely? ”
It is impossible to stay unaffected having such a malignant spouse/partner in your home and controlling your every move.
Not all narcissists are the same. Some are more malignant than others and there are also those who can be quite benign. The narc twin brother was not abusive to his brother. They had a good relationship and were very close.
“Like K did? 😉”
It would be interesting to know what kind of relationship K has and if she no longer has one, what happened to it and if this was the result of other people interfering in it.
HG,
do you think it possible that if a narc has plenty of other outlets for the darker sides / getting loads of negative fuel e.g. as a rock star from non-fans … and has an army of people to be negative to if he so “chooses” —– that he then wouldn’t need to get negative fuel from his main energy source??? And could keep seeming nice to those close to him?
In broad terms, yes. There are qualifications.
What do you mean by “qualifications” in this context or this sentence?
Whether appliance is IPPS or IPSS.
Ah, thank you!!
So you’d just need to out yourself in your real life doing this blog, and have people criticizing you in real life, and also adoring you in real life, and challenging you, etc. …. — and you could keep being nice to your primary source?
No.
Ava, that’s a good question. I thought of Trump. He gets a lot of positive and negative attention from around the world. Is he nice to his wife all the time because of this? I doubt it.
The negative fuel of the closest sources is the most potent and the one they crave the most. Famous or public narcissists probably need even more of this primary fuel to “heal” wounds caused by criticism without emotion (from journalists, for instance ) and the sense of vulnerability that being exposed to criticism must create in them. They must be confronted with a loss of control often.
There are various permutations which mean it is too detailed to explain in a comment here but in essence, the flow of negative fuel from other appliances will have an INFLUENCE with regard to the treatment of the IPPS however, this influence may well be outweighed by the actions of the IPPS, so the narcissist devalues. In simple terms, it may well take the edge off some behaviours but ultimately the proximity and importance of the IPPS (and indeed IPSSs) means that it is only an influence (of varying degree) and is not a guarantee.
HG, Thank you for that explanation. It has helped clear up a few things.
HG, So even if any in a narcissists fuel matrix knew what the narcissist was(as a shared knowledge between the two) trying to attempt any form or type of relationship together, would just not work. The narcissist on instinct alone would still reach into his toolbox and use what he is conditioned to use without even thinking about it. Is this correct?
Where Lesser or Mid-Range, yes.
HG after rereading my last comment I actually realized I answered my own question. Thank you though.
Good.
Damn it ….
But HG, what if the Primary Energy Source is a family member? The person is living with, working with and being together with almost all the time? Also meaning being dependend on that family member’s good-will, because a fall-out would have MAJOR consequences?
Primary Fuel source. Yes a fall-out would have major consequences, but as you know, many narcissists do not have any regard to the consequences because :-
1. The need for control NOW at any cost;
2. It is never out fault anyway, so the consequence is deflected elsewhere. Of course sometimes this aids the narcissist, sometimes it is to no avail (for example the law applies accountability) but the narcissist will still reject it.
Lou:
Hm … yes, you might be right. I doubt very much that Trump’s wife gets spared. 🙁 She said she was strong … but how strong … ?! :/
Thank you, HG.
HG
Ava101 “HG,
do you think it possible that if a narc has plenty of other outlets for the darker sides / getting loads of negative fuel e.g. as a rock star from non-fans … and has an army of people to be negative to if he so “chooses” —– that he then wouldn’t need to get negative fuel from his main energy source??? And could keep seeming nice to those close to him?”
HG “In broad terms, yes. There are qualifications.”
What qualifications are you speaking of HG?
Hi Twilight,
I have addressed that point earlier in the discussion.
Is it also used to deflect responsibility when the Narc is asked a question about one of the women in his compartments? Or when evidence reveals a lie or manipulation? That is when my Narc most often employed silence. He also employed it in any conversation he didn’t want to participate in. You’re right; it is murderous. Is that why NC kills the Narc? Bc it’s the ultimate silent treatment?
It is because it starves us of fuel and also wounds, thus damaging the construct.
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
Look what I have found in cartoons, narcissistic behaviors and a hoovering included….
Who would say that Pepe Le Pew and Penélope had a narcissistic sentimental relationship?
Who knew our lives would turn into mere ridiculous cartoons.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IV4gaNnbVts&w=560&h=315%5D
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
I found the post simply fantastic. I had not read this post before. But everything you pour into this post, I experienced when I did my silent treatment experiment. All the thoughts you mention, superiority, seeing the other person disoriented wanting to understand but not finding the reason.
I disagree with you at the point where the victim has done nothing wrong. The victim commits some transgression which in the eyes of the narcissist is unforgivable. And this victim has shown neither due interest nor respect in the narcissist. The narcissist has plenty of time to think and spin the issue and he sees that this is really a disinterest of the victim in him, his feelings. The narcissist does not want a pardon, nor is he touched by hearing a
please.
What the narcissist really wants is for the victim to know what his mistake was and acknowledge his fault. Certainly the narcissist laughs at his victim, ironically inside, to contemplate how his victim does not find the cause of the problem. He sees it and finds it inferior and foolish, because the cause of the problem is evident, it is something he committed. The narcissist also finds that the words of love, or the love that his victim processes towards him, are superficial and false. Because if he really loved him, he would know him very well and therefore would not have committed such criticism or transgression. This type of narcissistic thought, validates his superiority and on the other hand, within his rationality makes him think that if his victim does not appreciate him and wants enough, because he must be subject or involved towards his victim. An “emotional” disconnection or detachment begins. That justifies him to do what he really wants, because the narcissist unconsciously or consciously, reaches these conclusions.
The love of the victim is false, if it were true you would know me, you would put yourself in my shoes, you would not criticize me or hurt me. You are foolish and useless to understand or find the causes of the problem. You dedicate more time to other things instead of solving the problem or finding the cause. You don’t recognize what caused the problem, you don’t try to solve it so as not to do it again. You only know how to repeat which papaya: please, please, please.
That’s not what I want, what I want is for you to find and see and recognize your mistake.
The big problem is that the narcissist will never tell you what the mistake is, possibly by control. Or maybe, because if you truly loved him, you would know him and put yourself in his shoes. You would know the real causes of your punishment.
These were the conclusions I drew from my experiment and experience with the silent treatment I applied to my current partner. 5 days that gave me a lot of time to think about and observe my partner’s behavior and brought out my narcissistic traits.
Possibly a pure narcissist who has neither empathy, nor emotional traits, can reach another mental process. In my case this was my mental process. From my perspective, this way of thinking was logical and rational at 100% and 0% emotional thinking. One comes to the conclusion that the pure narcissist is rigid, dry and cold, cruel, lacking the emotional traits of those who are lacking. For this reason they cannot be flexible and are intransigent. But neither will they tell you and hide this behind their façade.
I am in a NARCISTA state.
H.G.Tudor.
By the way, this does not mean that the silent treatment is not used in other occasions to obtain its purposes, such as control and superiority, to choose what you want.
ah that you are not going to do what I want… well…. SILENCE TREATMENT. you’re going to find out who I am.
Hello, H.G.Tudor.
Here thinking, the narcissist I think is absolutely right.
The victim was never really in love with the narcissist, because the narcissist in his seduction by mirroring her, the victim is in love with herself.
To the question reflected in the mirror, the answer is: “they show us the deepest and most desperate desires of our heart”. What you so much yearn for and desire is to love yourself, reflected in the narcissist.
So certainly, the narcissist is right again, he was never loved because he never showed himself as he is. I simply reflect yourself in his seduction consciously or unconsciously.
Like Harry Potter’s Oesed mirror.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ck4Bk6SKO7o&w=560&h=315%5D
The mirror had an inscription engraved on the top of written: “Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi”. The phrase engraved on the mirror is actually a phrase in English but inverted or specularly written “show not your face but your heart’s Desire”. Like this mirror, the narcissist acts.
Possibly, the narcissist has never shown himself as he is, because he has fear and low self-esteem and could not bear to be rejected this would create narcissistic wound after narcissistic wound falling into depression and death. Mirror seduction is your need for fuel for Survival.
To add… what about #10 being flipped around? We make a date and don’t show up…
Not going to lie I’ve fantasized about it 🤣🤣 but would that just ignite some serious fury?
Any particular place where you describe the flip side of this situation? When a victim goes no contact on the narcissist and does not mention them to common friends etc. ?
How No Contact Feels Parts One to Three touches on this to a degree and does the book No Contact.
UGH! This brings back painful memories.
I am so happy that I am no longer at risk of being treated silently.