Little Acons – No. 17
Did the parental narcissist make such a comment to you? How did you feel? Do you recall how old you were when this was said to you?
18 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 17”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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NarcAngel,
You’re definitely still standing – and so appreciated; sharing your experience, your humour and your support. I think the sadness comes because I just feel it’s a given – a no-brainer – to protect the children. In my case the timing was right; our son’s concrete/long term memories were just forming when we got out of the relationship; so he has some vague memories of arguments and no memories of the limited violent outbursts…
Also, it just saddens me that family law doesn’t seem to recognize the potential long term effects of having a narcissistic parent…and also there seems to still be the belief that they can “change” because they have demonstrated some good behaviour for a time and express the desire to ‘change’… what a load of hooey. But it is the current system that we have to work with…
I love your comparison of a camp chair to a ‘throne’…but until I’m sitting on something a bit more substantial – with a glass of something a bit more potent than coffee in my hand – the new surroundings still feel a little surreal. And my son is giving me the hardest time; acting out etc. because of the upheaval…but that may be taking a turn for the better since today we dropped off some items at the new place and I allowed him to shoot Nerf gun ammo all over – since there’s nothing to damage yet and then we had a ‘picnic’ lunch on a blanket on the floor. He loved it and is feeling more positive about the move…
WC, May your new home continue to be blessed. It may be unfurnished but is already filled with love. ❤️
Thank-you MB ♥️.
Buying him a Nerf gun and a big box of ammo was an act of desperation, lol. I’m trying not to drag him along with me through the worst of the move but I have no childcare while I arrange it etc…and he is directing much of his anger and frustration at me (hopefully this is situational) so I needed to inject some fun and lightness into the situation…but damn, those little Nerf bullets sting! Thank goodness most were aimed at ceilings, walls and random toys 🙂
Darth Mother despises men in general; they are all a bunch of useless, untrustworthy evil losers, not worth loving. She was, at the same time, fascinated and envious of some of my, and my sisters ‘, boyfriends, and was most of the time charming with them.
I understand now what was behind her behaviour and attitude, but this meme made me remember how contradicting her messages were regarding men in general: you don’t need a man, only weak stupid women do, but I will use the fact you don’t have one to make you feel whatever I need you to feel about yourself. Damn if I did have a man in my life, damn if I didn’t.
When I married my husband my mother said, “So… what’s he see in you that makes you so special?” I was 33.
I heard it many times myself but the joke is on them (narc parents, both . One a malignant narc..) aged horribly, alone and lonely- and I cut them off and their grandkids know exactly who/what they are. The good part of having narc parents? You know exactly what not to do raising kids. And you educate your kids, early- in red flags of narc in others.
‘You make me punish you because you defy the rules’
‘If you weren’t so defiant, I wouldn’t have to discipline you’
‘Your brothers and sister hates you’
‘No wonder your biological dad didn’t want you’
I could go on…..
I took so many beatings with the belt, in the end I did not care, or flinch.. just held his gaze with pure hatred blazing from my core projected through my eyes.
I enjoyed taking the pain and seeing his fury, his anger, he’d hit harder and i’d remain motionless. Angrier and angrier… it was my little victory in the most fucked up of ways. My way of control.
Presque Vu
It sounds we were in similar situations from what you’ve written. Narc Stepfather and checked out mother?
I understand completely your feeling of defiance and control. I could take anything myself – it just confirmed what a weak low-life piece of shit he was that he had to resort to intimidation and violence to get what he wanted. But then…even though I tried to hide it – he started to see that the way to get to me was to hurt the others. That was a pain greater than anything he could do to me personally.
Presque Vu, his words were lies – know you did nothing wrong. You happened to be in the path of a destructive coward who couldn’t stand to see the goodness in you that he could never have himself. Don’t let those lies have any place in your life.
NA,
I’m sitting here in my new apartment with nothing but two folding camp chairs so far (at least the carpet has been steam cleaned now) an expensive take out coffee in my hand (because I can at the moment & there is a decent coffeehouse within walking distance of the new digs) and my mind is such a mix of emotions…
I have my lawyer, more than once, reminding me that the level of protection that I have achieved for my child (within the limits of the legal system here) is above the norm – at least for the long term – and that I should have a proposal with regard to a potential variance that could lead to my narc having more time with our child. Then I have our child’s new teacher conveying to me that he wouldn’t have guessed that our son comes from a situation of abuse – except for the court order, etc. – because he doesn’t present the way such a child would normally….and I thank my lucky stars in relief that maybe along the way I’ve made some good choices …
But the most prevalent emotion I feel is from reading your post, and Presque Vu’s similar background, is sadness…and tears that no one protected you.
WhoCares
Thank you, but there is no need for sadness or tears. I am here still standing and I made sure he knew it when he was leaving this world. A camp chair is akin to throne when you have peace of mind. When the room is quiet but the air not tension filled. When you know that the only people coming through that door will be those you welcome. That you will not hear derogatory remarks about yourself or have them ruin the simple pleasure of that coffee that you well deserve. I see only new beginnings for you and your son, and my most prevalent emotions upon reading your post are happiness and pride that you are protecting yours as well as yourself. That’s two gifts that no one else can give him. You’re a great mom.
Oops – I replied to this NA but it landed elsewhere…
Thank you NA.
I had him sussed out pretty early on, at first his words affected me greatly but when I no longer gave a shit and got angry – they bounced off me. I felt I had a forcefield protecting me in some way, maybe I was protecting myself mentally I don’t even know.
My step father grew up in a borstal in Glasgow, his first wife left him and his 3 boys (that’s his story to us)… I question that – he was fucking evil – she left because he was sadistic and she was most likely abused. It must have been tough for her to leave her 3 boys and never have contact with them again.
He was charming, uber charming, intelligent, well connected. I was his favourite, he told me this often. I always wanted to be his friend until he beat me, then i’d forgive him and the cycle continued until I left home at 16 with two black bin bags of clothes when they were on holiday. By then, I knew it was a matter of time before he would beat me so much he’d kill me. He couldn’t break me mentally – he tried that – oh boy he tried!
My mum…
I forgive her.
You protected your siblings, I remember a few bits I’ve read.
Yes, we are similar. Except he made us enemies – he pitted us against each other, triangulated so we never spoke to each other about the magnitude of the abuse etc. We’ve worked through it since.. we are close now.
One day I may write a book. I have 3 books in me at least!
I’m so sorry Presque Vu.
StepN:
You’re lucky I took you in. No one else would.
Why aren’t there boys coming around here for you? Are you one of them? Queer? (while laughing and drinking with another man).
But also my mother:
I didn’t have to have you you know.
Oh NA, I am so very sorry you had to hear such horrible things from those people! I am so glad you are here with us! 🥰
NA, It’s amazing how such a whole person can be created from such broken people. I admire your perseverance and strength.
NA, Amidst unbearable fiery tempers and tremendous abusive pressures, you emerged a brilliant diamond, with unparalleled strength and beauty. Your light shines brightly for us all here.
I wish no such abuse existed for you or anyone. But, I hope you, and all who have suffered, know that you are treasured here.
When my dads exwife the narc died in a nursing home and I heard about it…well… shes in hell. Fuck that bitch.