Do you remember our infatuation with each other during our teenage years? Wordless conversations, knowing glances, inseparable identities and my photo on top of your bedside table no matter which girlfriend disapproved? We hadn’t even shared a kiss and yet you had my name tattooed on your arm. You always put me first.
You adored my innocence and teaching me your clever tricks. Climbing out the window to see you every night underneath the stars. My head lying in submission on your shoulder, while your hand traced my stomach and we talked for hours on end. Stumbling up the driveway giggling in your oversized jumper, barefoot in the dark. Turning my cheek to evade your kiss and waving goodbye with a wink and a smile.
You had to earn my trust before you had the chance to break it and by the time I let my guard down, I loved you more than it was conceivable to love anything. I was 8 years old when we met and 22 when we began our formal relationship. We spent 14 years building the foundation for what was about to become a lifelong lie.
We were like magnets you and I. You turned my naivety into your prize. You idealised me with the greatest passion and I became your unknowing but willing victim. I believed the love and sentiment you poured all over me and you became encrypted in my every thought and experience.
Yet, everyday of our relationship the truth was buried deep inside of you. Did taking strangers to bed and coming home to someone so virtuous make you feel like a man? Your adultery was your crime and my loyalty to you was mine. You knew that I would rather be alone than in a relationship that didn’t honour me. You knew me inside out and yet you were so deficient in moral character and lacking in genuine love and respect for me.
Never underestimate the ability for the truth to free the innocent. I wasn’t even seeking it and it found me. I still remember that moment, the truth hit me like a bullet. The devastation of knowing my illusion.
I know you ached with regret and shame that I walked away from you. I left as soon as I knew because I didn’t have a choice; you had built a prison of deceit from which neither of us would’ve been able to escape. What is the point in seeking the truth in a lie? It was comforting to stay so silent when everyone expected me to feel so enraged. It was comforting to know that you didn’t have the chance to say goodbye.
A person so devoid of decency such as you knows exactly what they are. Your mother suffered terribly at the hands of your adulterous father and you are the coward who brought those memories back to life.
I know my absence consumed you, I heard of your despair – the addiction, the destruction, the loss of your career, the loss of familial relationships, our home and your golden fascade. A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with psychopathic traits. What a fantastic use of your private school education, your parents must be so proud.