Do you remember our infatuation with each other during our teenage years? Wordless conversations, knowing glances, inseparable identities and my photo on top of your bedside table no matter which girlfriend disapproved? We hadn’t even shared a kiss and yet you had my name tattooed on your arm. You always put me first.
You adored my innocence and teaching me your clever tricks. Climbing out the window to see you every night underneath the stars. My head lying in submission on your shoulder, while your hand traced my stomach and we talked for hours on end. Stumbling up the driveway giggling in your oversized jumper, barefoot in the dark. Turning my cheek to evade your kiss and waving goodbye with a wink and a smile.
You had to earn my trust before you had the chance to break it and by the time I let my guard down, I loved you more than it was conceivable to love anything. I was 8 years old when we met and 22 when we began our formal relationship. We spent 14 years building the foundation for what was about to become a lifelong lie.
We were like magnets you and I. You turned my naivety into your prize. You idealised me with the greatest passion and I became your unknowing but willing victim. I believed the love and sentiment you poured all over me and you became encrypted in my every thought and experience.
Yet, everyday of our relationship the truth was buried deep inside of you. Did taking strangers to bed and coming home to someone so virtuous make you feel like a man? Your adultery was your crime and my loyalty to you was mine. You knew that I would rather be alone than in a relationship that didn’t honour me. You knew me inside out and yet you were so deficient in moral character and lacking in genuine love and respect for me.
Never underestimate the ability for the truth to free the innocent. I wasn’t even seeking it and it found me. I still remember that moment, the truth hit me like a bullet. The devastation of knowing my illusion.
I know you ached with regret and shame that I walked away from you. I left as soon as I knew because I didn’t have a choice; you had built a prison of deceit from which neither of us would’ve been able to escape. What is the point in seeking the truth in a lie? It was comforting to stay so silent when everyone expected me to feel so enraged. It was comforting to know that you didn’t have the chance to say goodbye.
A person so devoid of decency such as you knows exactly what they are. Your mother suffered terribly at the hands of your adulterous father and you are the coward who brought those memories back to life.
I know my absence consumed you, I heard of your despair – the addiction, the destruction, the loss of your career, the loss of familial relationships, our home and your golden fascade. A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with psychopathic traits. What a fantastic use of your private school education, your parents must be so proud.
6 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 95”
FALSE FASCADES EXIST?
any articles for this one if I may ask?
This one made cry a bit. ET is on a surge today for no apparent reason. The narc and I didn’t have this relationship but the link to youth maybe triggered something inside me…
the love devotee. How devastating for you – the realization of years of illusion. I’m glad you got out and didn’t waste more time trying to get back the ghost of who you thought he was. It’s all so very sad.
Thank you for your empathy and understanding. I was so young when all of this started, I never saw this situation for what it was because I was naieve. HG’s work made me reflect and sit with the discomfort of understanding how destructive the relationship was from the very beginning. There were so many things; he sabotaged every relationship I had with other guys from the time I was 14. I remember him taking my boyfriend to the prostitutes when we were 15. He led him into the situation, made sure he did the deed and then climbed in my bedroom window at 2am to let me know what my boyfriend had done. I cried on his shoulder all night, it was such a perverse justice he sought in trying to manipulate me in this way.
My father died when I was 15 and N having met my dad was such a powerful thing for me. He delighted in my vulnerabilities because he was stealth in his mission to embed me as an IPPS. I would never have understood the many twists, turns, lies and behaviours if I hadn’t found HG.
It was a face to face Hoover after finding me 13 years post no contact that made me search for answers and I am so glad I did. It has almost been two years since this Hoover and the understanding of his diagnosis has given me an armour that is impenetrable; he can no longer sell me a sweet story about ‘us’ because I am not interested.
At the time I left I was hurting and it was hard but it was always the right decision. I am proud of my 26 year old self even to this day, even more so now I fully understand the N dynamic and the importance of no contact.
I hope you are feeling better today and the ET is settling for you. Thank you for sharing in my story.
What a horrific story of manipulation. I understand the connection to meeting your father. Those emotional links hold so much meaning and can be so powerful. I am proud of you for being smart enough to understand something was wrong, strong enough to get out and strong enough to resist the temptation of an in person hoover so long after. You are so very young and have a whole life ahead of you to pursue healthy and happy connections with good people. You know exactly what to avoid <3
Wow I’m glad you got outta that shit. That’s how it was for me I immediately left right after I read this shit it was so true but yet hurtful and insightful you did the right thing once you know you go….and last but not least you get out and stay out
Thanks so much CJ and well done to you too! After all we endure in the N dynamic, we are very much standing in our uncomfortable truth when we know it is time to go. Leaving brings the initial pain but the most fulfilling opportunities for love and living well are definitely outside of these toxic dynamics. Thanks for sharing my story and your thoughts.