To Control Is To Cope :Narcissism and Its Creation


To deal with and to address the vagaries of life, human beings have developed coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms vary in terms of the extent of their use, their impact on the user, the impact on others and the frequency of their deployment. Some coping mechanisms are regarded as ‘healthy’ and others as ‘unhealthy’ and some may be a hybrid of the two, dependent on the extent and duration of usage.

Distancing is a coping mechanism. You may distance yourself from a situation and people, but prolonged and extensive distancing may lead to isolation with the associated problems which such isolation can bring. Short-term distancing can allow recovery, re-charging and avoidance of an ongoing harmful situation. Longer-term distancing which is targeted on one or more chief proponents of harm can lead to near complete removal from toxic and harmful influences. No contact of course is a coping mechanism which incorporates distancing as a central tenet of it and is the most effective coping mechanism to apply with regard to your recovery from ensnarement with our kind.

Crying is another coping mechanism. The release of tension, held-grief, feelings of misery often evaporate as a consequence of somebody crying. You may be told ‘have a good cry, you will feel better’ and indeed many people have testified to the beneficial impact of doing so and thus crying achieves release and often acts as a signal to invite comfort from others. It is a coping mechanism deployed by people to deal with a stressful, worrying or hurtful situation.

Self-harming is a further form of coping. The distraction caused by the painful response of cutting (cutting being just one form of self-harming) enables an individual to relieve the pain of certain other feelings, it achieves a release, a distraction and also enables that individual to exert control in circumstances where they feel unable to exert control (or to the extent that would make them feel comfortable). Self-harming whilst a coping mechanism is regarded as a negative form of a coping mechanism.

Expression of feelings. Being able to ‘talk it out’ and ‘air your feelings’ is a coping mechanism also. The ability to talk to someone else who will just listen, even if they offer nothing in response or even just to talk to yourself about how you are feeling (be it generally or in relation to something specific) enables people to experience a sense of release, a lightening of a particular load and it often brings clarity in terms of understanding themselves and finding a way forward.

There are many coping mechanisms that humans deploy – some are conscious and others occur unconsciously.

Narcissism is one such coping mechanism and it is a powerful and invariably hugely effective, although its effectiveness does depend on the school of the narcissist and which particular outcome one is having regard to. The outcome of our narcissism is something that I shall address in a separate article.

Narcissism must maintain the construct (the false self) and imprison the creature (the true self).  Collectively this is the Self-Defence of the Narcissist. This Self-Defence is achieved through the The Prime Aims(fuel, character traits and residual benefits).

Central to this Self-Defence and the achievement of The Prime Aims is control. The narcissist must at all times have control of his or her environment and the people within that environment which of course includes you. Whether you are a stranger, an acquaintance, a friend, a colleague, a relative or a romantic partner. Whether you are a neighbour, a date, sister or brother, that man from the corner store or fiancée – you come within the fuel matrix of the narcissist and you have to be subjected to the control of the narcissist.

This control has to be exerted second by second of each and every day. Every passing moment must be owned and governed by the narcissist. We must exert control all around us, this has to be complete and total as if the very clouds were tethered by us. Why is that?

Because once upon a time the narcissist did not have control.

That lack of control meant the narcissist felt powerless, weak, vulnerable and exposed.

The combination of a genetic predisposition and the imposition of this lack of control created narcissism as the coping mechanism. These two ingredients combined and gave ‘birth’ to narcissism as a means of coping with the world, with the lack of control that the world causes for individuals. Many people have no issue with this lack of control, others have alternative coping mechanisms and then there is us – the narcissists. Around one in six of the human population of this planet became narcissists in order to cope with this loss of control.

Narcissism allows the imposition of control through manipulation. The imposition of control allows us to achieve the Prime Aims. The achievement of the Prime Aims allows our Self-Defence and thus we survive and we thrive.

Narcissism is a coping mechanism.

People believe that abuse is theingredient in the formation of a narcissist. It is an ingredient, yes, but there are two ingredients in the formation of our kind. The first ingredient is the genetic predisposition, if you will this is the fertile soil which provides the basis for the narcissism to grow and flourish. The second ingredient is the lack of control (of which abuse is part of that lack of control) and this is the ‘seed’ which is placed in the fertile soil of the genetic predisposition and thus narcissism ‘grows’ as the coping mechanism. For some, the soil is there but no seed ever arrives and thus no narcissist. For others, there is no soil but there is the seed, but again with one essential ingredient missing, there can be no narcissism.

Genetic predisposition plus lack of control (at a formative stage of life) equals narcissist.

What does this lack of control (at a formative stage of life – i.e. childhood) look like?

  • Abuse. Whether it is physical, emotional, sexual or psychological, any form of abuse towards us amounts to a lack of control. We could not defend ourselves against the abuse and therefore this is a lack of control, over ourselves and over those who meted out abusive harm towards us. The abuse is an act of commission – we were beaten, molested sexually, told we were useless, insulted etc.
  • Isolated. Whether this was being locked in a cupboard under the stairs, prevented from playing with other children, kept apart from other family members, not allowed to participate in group activities of any nature, given silent treatments and treated as if we did not exist, isolating and ostracising us in some form again constituted a lack of control. We were not able to control our own interactions, someone else did this for us and to our detriment. We were controlled by another and thus lacked control.
  • Neglect. Whilst there may not have been abusive acts of commission , there are abusive acts of omission. Therefore we were not given a safe environment, we were not taught effectively (be it about ‘facts’, relationships, behaviour, responsibility), we were not emotionally supported, we were not fed, clothed or protected, we were not shielded from an abuser of commission and/or we could roam where we wanted. Once again we were denied control over ourselves because we were not provided with the assets, resources and tools to achieve effective control over our lives and this neglect (lack of control) exposed us to hurt, pain, disease, injury, loneliness and/or acts of abuse through commission.
  • The Golden Child. Everything we did was lauded and praised. It was invariably held up as a glowing and shining example of brilliance, even when it was not or the praise was excessive for a valid achievement. This meant we lacked control in the sense of earningachievements in a valid fashion. We had greatness thrust upon us without being ready for it, without having earned it and without appreciating it. Everything came to us too easily and this also amounted to a lack of control. We had no control over the outcome from our endeavours, we felt no compulsion to achieve and apply endeavour because whatever we did (bad, mediocre or good) was met with accolade, praise and the lavishing of ‘how brilliant’. We were denied the ability to control our own destiny.
  • Shifting Sands. Where we experienced Shifting Sands we had a lack of control because the environment around us at that formative stage lacked constancy. One day the sun shone and the next day, even though everything else appeared to stay the same to us, there was a thunderstorm. On Monday our painting was declared to be ‘Rembrandt in the making’ (a la Golden Child) and by Friday our painting ‘was the work of a moron wielding a potato for a paintbrush’. The application of black and white thinking by the aggressor created an uncertain environment, one of push and pull, idealisation and devaluation and we had no control whatsoever on which version was going to appear to us. There was a lack of control in our lives through uncertainty, unpredictability and those shifting sands.
  • B Graders. ‘It’s good but not good enough.’ ‘You can do far better.’ ‘You are not trying hard enough.’ ‘You are letting yourself down but moreover you are letting me down.’ These phrases and those similar to it encapsulate the loss of control felt by those who are ‘The B Graders’. Each time the hill was climbed and the summit anticipated, another hill suddenly appeared. The effort was okay, decent enough, acceptable but never that which met with approval. Keep going, learn more, be faster, swim stronger, climb higher, shine brighter. There was no control because we were never allowed a moment to settle, to cherish that which had been achieved and to reflect. We could not establish our own parameters of achievement and satisfaction but instead we were always beholden to the standards of another which ultimate proved to be unobtainable standards and thus we had no control.
  • The Facsimile. We were shaped to be precisely like the aggressor. Sometimes this was entirely at the behest of the aggressor and sometimes we saw how this individual behaved and decided ‘I want that power also’ (usually unconsciously but sometimes, such as was the case for me – consciously). Whilst you may think a conscious decision to copy the aggressor and thus seize power was a form of control, it was not – this was actually a product of the already establishing narcissism and thus a symptom rather than a cause. Where the aggressor caused us to be moulded just like them – forming our opinions, our views, our behaviours, our likes and dislikes, what we wore, what we ate, where we went, what we did and in some instances alongside this there was an unconscious decision to mimic and copy those behaviours and characteristics, we were once again denied control.

Thus, whether we came from an impoverished background, a gilded background, a seemingly run-of-the-mill background, any of those environments had the potential to cause a lack of control in our lives. Take this lack of control and add it to the genetic predisposition and thus our coping mechanism of narcissism was given birth to.

Narcissism became our way of coping with the world.

Narcissism allowed us to exert control.

A lack of control equates to a lack of power.

A lack of control equates to  being vulnerable.

A lack of control equates to being weak.

A lack of control equates to being worthless, meaningless and unimportant.

When we lack control, we start to fade and will no longer exist.

A lack of control now returns us to the lack of control then.

This must never happen for too long and thus we were formed from this lack of control adding to our genetic predisposition and in order to survive and thrive we must never, ever lack control for if this persists, well, then, it ends.

We must have absolute control. And that means absolute control over you, him, her, them but most of all YOU.

34 thoughts on “To Control Is To Cope :Narcissism and Its Creation

  1. Narc noob says:

    HG, do you think it possible for someone to develop this way with normal or empath parents? Perhaps a teacher or other significant individual allowed the process to develop – or the lack of control environment in the family home? Dysfunction can manifest in a variety of ways like an individuals particular narcissistic trait?

    Thanks in advance for your time.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, but less likely.

  2. ava101 says:

    Still don’t understand why you keep it up then, if you know all this.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you mean why do I, HG, do it, because it entertains me and I am brilliant at it.

      1. Pati says:

        HG you forgot to say that you want to create legacy,and you want to be the number 1 resource for it. It If I am not mistaken.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That’s a given Pati.

        2. FoolMe1Time says:

          HG is already the number 1 source on all things narcissist. As far a legacy, he’s building it as we type. Lol

          1. Pati says:

            For sure ! FM1T😁

      2. ava101 says:

        Yes, I mean YOU, HG.
        Because your coping mechanism (or what started as such) entertains you?! And just because it works, too?
        In regard to brilliant: not doubting you are, but so your world view is at the core, too, yes?

        I think I don’t do connection and trust anymore, either, I think that was broken.
        Unfortunately, the rest of the oxytocin laden functions are still there.

        In “Naked and Afraid”, there was a guy who is the typical “individual surviving style” guy, i. e. surviving, by NOT relying on others. But he then became ill and wouldn’t have made it without the group … he was pretty humbled (or at least said so).
        I am not a group survivor type, myself, just mentioning that, because it it not always working ..

      3. ava101 says:

        Did you try something else just for the fun of it? To widen your spectrum??
        Like, when I tried narcissistic behaviour, it was pretty thrilling.
        Did it today too, to mirror my narcissistic bitch colleague.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Never mirror the narcissist. Read the article.

          1. Twilight says:


            I understand why you say never mirror a narcissist, and one should listen to that advice.

            You and your kind mirror the sugar coated lie……those like me mirror the naked truth.

            I said it once before you increase my awareness 100x and for that I am grateful, our path crossed for a reason.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome.

  3. Whitney says:

    Dear HG 💝 I am addicted to narcisissts.
    Does the narcissist become addicted to controlling the Empath? I let the MMR control me lately. He’s become more possessive from it. More jealous. Maybe he’s addicted

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We are addicted to fuel.

  4. Susan says:

    So interesting to see the factors and the progression presented in such organized fashion. Creepy but this confirms the events I recently traced back to early and mid childhood events that lead to the development of bronarc.

    What’s really profound Is that bronarc claims our parents robbed him of 1/3 of his life and prevented him from being who he could have been. The 1/3 corresponds almost exactly to those formative years and I distinctly remember watching him gradually change as a teenager.

    I did not understand those changes, but now they are crystal clear. It’s funny how we were both exposed to the same crappy parental environment, but just as you point out, one went one way and one the other.
    We were only 2 years apart.

    Thanks for helping me fill in some more gaps in my past. It helps with the healing process, increases the knowledge base, and helps me know I need to steer clear

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  5. Miss A says:

    So, I have a question, can you be a hybrid of narcissist and codepedent which looks like empath? I personally identify with the above, but have myself continually linked with the narcissist, makes me wonder if I am one myself, somewhat? I am sure you would need to evaluate me, at a later date and I will. But just wondering if a hybrid of sorts is plausible?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. You cannot be a narcissist and a co-dependent empath. I recommend you read Chained though.

  6. Twilight says:

    To control
    He tried yet didn’t understand the more wine I drank the more instinctive I got.
    Your kind do not like looking into the mirror that shows themselves.

    Jon taught me many things yet it was you HG that showed me how to use my natural abilities in ways to defend and protect myself from your kind.

    Midranger…..he wasn’t listening to what I was saying only focused on his “abilities “ to read people and misread my body language.
    I do not enjoy feeling that which I do, I warned him and he ran like the coward he is.

  7. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

    But when a narc continues to hoover a victim after years since the end of relationship by emoticons and non-sense text without trying to start a conversation, obviously he’s not wiiling to restore the relationship, but I think it’s all about control, as I could understand from your work. It’s what is happening to a friend of mine, I told her to block him and to start no contact, but she doesn’t listen to me and continues to answer whenever she receives a text. In my opinion her narcissist wants to ascertain if she is still in place to control her, and of course to gain fuel. Am I right HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are correct.

      1. Stella SHELF Unmaskers says:

        Thank you. My friend would be’ interested to have a consult with you to ascertain If he is a narcissist or not, but she has some concern because her story is quite long. Furthermore she’s italian, and although she’s as good in English as me, she’s afraid there could be’ problems about the comprehension. What are the elements that you require to formulate the diagnosis avoiding to write the story in the smallest details?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The questionnaire is used to focus on the relevant detail and therefore avoids providing too much detail. I advocate she books it as she will find the questionnaire helpful and it will avoid the concern you refer to.

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  9. AR says:

    I can relate myself to all points except golden child and facsimile but despite it i was labeled as selfish and spoiled by the golden boy. Wow.

    I heard from Matrinarc recently that the golden “wonderful” man gave my brother a lift to his home as they both left early a birthday party. It was their first time to meet each other.

  10. Pati says:

    I understand this article. I understand that a childs upbringing has a lot to do with becoming a Narcissist. There was a lack of control ,love growing up so as an adult you need to now have total and full control of everything in life. We victims suffer because we have so much love to give and you dont feel it. HG thank you for explaining this .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  11. Soon to be sparkling! says:

    This is so interesting.

    HG, did you “feel” it? The very moment of the transition?

    Or was it a gradual build up?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It was a gradual, sustained action.

      1. Soon to be sparkling! says:

        So it is indeed an evolution.

  12. Lorelei says:

    Is it an okay question to ask what occurred when there was an extreme moment in time (or one of the most) of feeling exposed and weak—before and then after the narcissism developed.. I guess during childhood and then again once reaching adulthood.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is not necessarily a crossing the rubicon moment. It is usually akin to the repeated impact akin to water going over and over the same point. Eventually it wears a groove.

      1. SMH says:

        That’s a great way of putting it, HG – water wearing a groove. I think it’s also why we empaths have such a hard time leaving our narcs, even when we are able to think logically about it. Maybe it’s akin to everpresence – the everpresence is the groove that has formed in our brains from the repeated impacts.

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