5 Myths About The Narcissist

5 MYTHS ABOUT THE NARCISSIST

 

I always read views propounded about me and my kind, with considerable interest. I see many intelligent and well-reasoned observations about what we do and why we do it. Many carry considerable force. Other views are purely driven by the understandable anger and hurt that is engendered in people by us, although as I have repeatedly sought to explain, when one operates through emotion, poor decisions are made and the clear picture is not observed. I also come across comments which are made about us which are inaccurate. I am not referring to the disagreement one might have in terms of an ad hominem attack against us. Many people consider us to be arseholes and bastards. I understand that viewpoint, many of my kind would disagree, but it is not that kind of value judgement that makes its way to becoming a myth about us. There are other more important misconceptions. As part of my ongoing work in explaining what we are, why we do what we do and your involvement in this narcissistic dynamic, it is just as important to explain what we are as detail what we are not. With that purpose in mind, I turn to five myths about our kind.

 

  1. We have no emotions

 

This view has gained some traction owing to the fact that my kind function with a considerable emptiness inside of us. The existence of this void can cause people to believe that because we are a shell and a husk that we are devoid of emotions. The fact that we feed off other people’s emotions also supports the view that we have none of our own. We need to steal the emotions that other people experience to enable us to feel.

The fact is that we do experience and feel certain emotions. We experience annoyance, anger and rage. Indeed, the churning fury which is always there beneath the surface, ready to be ignited, is a prevailing emotion of ours. We know boredom, disgust and loathing. We are very familiar with jealousy, envy, shame and hatred. Malice, malevolence, anticipation, contempt, aggression and power are further ones. Our stable of emotions is dominated by negative emotions. These are the ones which have been allowed to develop and that is because the force behind these emotions has been harnessed to allow us to achieve our aims. Our hatred for being devoid of fuel, drives us on to extract it. Our disgust at weakness causes us to always want to maintain superiority and strength. It is these emotions which make us effective and ruthless.

By contrast we do not experience joy or happiness, sadness or regret, serenity or love, remorse or guilt. These are alien to us along with others. We either have never known them or they have been stripped from us in order to allow us to operate with greater effectiveness, free from encumbrance and hindrance. We understand emotions because we want yours directed towards us. We understand how to mimic them and we understand when they should be exhibited (although some of our kind are better at this than others) but ultimately we do experience some emotions, just nowhere near as much as you.

 

  1. Copying us infuriates us

 

No it does not. If we are angry with you and shouting, if you decide to mirror this behaviour, all you are doing is providing us with fuel. If you parrot what we say to you, if there is any emotion attached to it, even if it is said with sarcasm, a sneer or contempt, it is fuel. If you decide to fall silent because we have, we may realise that the silent treatment is not reaping the fuel that we expected, but it does not infuriate us. Instead, we will just switch to a different form of manipulation in order to cause you to provide us with fuel. You find it hard after a while to keep mirroring what we are doing, your emotional capacity is such that it usually breaks through in some form and thus fuel is provided. We also recognise what you are doing and if you are giving us fuel, we will let you continue to mirror us. If you are not, your mirroring is not a criticism therefore there is no wounding, but we will shift to a different behaviour to bring forth the fuel.

 

  1. We miss you when you are gone

 

No, we miss your fuel, not you. That is what we miss most of all. We may also miss the traits that we were able to steal from you and also the residual benefits that you provided. It is something that victims of our kind find very difficult to accept. Surely some of what we said and did was genuine? It seemed that way, so surely it must have been? It must be the case that we liked somethings that you did? We did; the fuel, the traits and the residual benefits. We did not care about whether you were humorous, save that your sense of humour was appropriated by us for the purpose of making us seem better with other people. The radiant smile is only missed because it gave us fuel. Your extensive knowledge about wine was again another trait which made us look better.

Not only is it only these things that we miss when you are gone, the simple fact remains that if we discarded you, we decided that you were no longer worth the effort in keeping around and in most cases, we had identified and seduced a replacement. With this person in place, we focus on them, only turning to you to dole out Malign Follow-Up Hoovers (or Benign ones later when the replacement begins to turn stale). There is little doubt that you loved us with everything that you had, that you thought the world of us and nobody could have done for us what you did, but that is all from your perspective. Once we have discarded you, that all counts for nothing. You became a malfunctioning appliance and you have been replaced. We miss nothing about you.

If you escape, we will miss the three items that I detailed above and indeed we will look to recover them through the Initial Grand Hoover and Follow-Up Hoovers but do not think that our protestations of being unable to live without you, how we cannot imagine another day with you and we miss you so much, have anything to do with you as a person. They do not. We are unable to live without your fuel, we cannot imagine another day without using your traits and miss your residual benefits so much. All of these declarations, pleas, begging gestures and so forth are only designed to recover the three principle reasons we attach you. You can tell yourself that we miss you terribly if it makes you feel better but you are misleading yourself.

 

  1. We hate being alone

 

We need people. There is no doubt about that. We need people because we need the three principle benefits, chief amongst which is fuel, but that is not the same as saying we hate to be alone. In this instance, there is a degree of truth in the above statement but it requires considerable qualification. If we have been well-fueled we are able to be alone, engage in solitary activities and spend time in our own company without difficulty. Of course, the longer this goes on, eventually our fuel level drops and we will need to seek out people, but we do not hate being alone in such a situation.

Furthermore, the advantages of technology mean that although we may not be physically proximate to somebody, the advantages of Skype, text messages, telephone calls and even hand-written letters allows us to be on our own but in contact with many fuel sources. Add to this Thought Fuel and you have a situation whereby we can be physically isolated but with such connections we can manage perfectly well extracting all of these variable fuel types.

Remove such connections however and in a situation when our fuel levels are already low and we are physically isolated with no means of contacting people and that is when you shall see that we hate to be alone.

 

  1. We have a conscience

We do not. We think only of ourselves, our needs and how each situation can benefit us. We may appear to exhibit a conscience in order to con people and this is something more witnessed with the Mid-Range and Greater Narcissist, in order to fit in to a situation and people’s expectations but we have been created without a need for a conscience. If we had one, we would not be able to trample on people in the way we do. We would not be able to always be moving forward, never caring for what has gone before us. If ever you witness a situation where one of our kind appears to have had our conscience pricked, all it means is that we see an advantage in pretending that this is the case and we wish to dupe you and others for our own benefit.

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41 Comments

      1. There is no such thing as a true narcissist, Mary, One is either a narcissist, or not one.
        Narcissists utilise animals to achieve our aims.

          1. Oh that was an act of mercy NA, I was putting them out of their misery. A slice of bacon is in misery until consumed.

        1. I have experienced it time and again that narcissists pretend a completely oversized animal welfare. Is it to achieve his goals or because he is unfamiliar with the human level? In my toxic relationship I have repeatedly told my narcissistic partner: You treat every dog better than me! There was a smile, a charm, the cuddling, sacrifice, commitment …..

  1. H.G., Can or would a narcissist supplement drugs (e.g. cocaine) when fuel is low and momentarily unattainable because of job loss, loss of IPS and only a couple of lieutenant left within reach? He feels alone. lonely and about to lose everything he had. Can drugs become a crutch for a lower mid-range narcissist?

  2. What I find hardest to understand is that narcissists feel an emptiness inside them. I can’t think of anything to equate a feeling like that to. Is it accompanied with any other emotion like panic, or is it just a neutral emptiness? Is there something similar we can feel that could help us relate to that empty feeling to know what it’s like?

  3. 1. I have the constant underlying emotion of pain and narcs are like a drug, to make that go away for a short while. (Then creating more of course). No idea why they are like a drug, and normal people are not.

    2. If mid rangers also lack a conscience, what is the difference then to a psychopath?

    3. The exnarc has just told me that he flies into a rage nowadays when fighting with his wife. I found that one of his most striking features was that he NEVER once raised his voice against me, or got louder, ever.
    How does this fit together?
    Or is he really under more stress living with a whole family when he hates children and all?

    4. Read book on emotional scale, narcs being in the middle kind of. Most upscale emotion being enthusiasm. Aren’t psychopaths enthusiastic about certain things, too? How would one distinguish real and faked? That book also underlines that emotional scale and intelligence are not to be mixed up.

    5. Ya, so, that is how an empath lies on a beach after being with a narc @unicorn. Why is it so wooly?

    1. ava101
      1. Normal people don’t cut the mustard.

      T says:
      June 24, 2018 at 19:20
      It all seems to me like not only are we your drug,”fuel”, you are also a drug for the empath. Like two knots tangled together.

      HG Tudor says:
      June 24, 2018 at 20:43
      It is a symbiotic relationship.

      https://narcsite.com/2018/06/24/5-false-promises-of-the-narcissist-2/

      2. Narcissists and ASPD share similar traits, however, I think that psychopaths are far more dangerous.

      3. If you were the IPSS, you were most likely viewed white thus forming the contrast to the viewed black IPPS (wife). He isn’t under stress; his wife is in devaluation.

      4. Narcissists/psychopaths are enthusiastic about manipulating.

      5. Er, perhaps the salt water wreaked havoc on the unicorns hair.

      1. Thank you so much, K!!
        Wow, you are so spot on.

        1. Exactly.

        2. I am not sure where to draw the line, though in my most recent observations of mid rangers I must say, it’s true, they are kind of harmless if one knows exactly what one deals with. Not planning malicious schemes.

        3. Ohhhhhh of course, I wasn’t living with him when he played his most malicious games. Yes, she is, he said some interesting things about her/them on the not so nice side of black and white.

        4. Still good about faking.

        5. Jepp, that must be it. Storm plus salt water is tricky, the sheep here at the ocean look a bit wild, too.

        6. My colleague says I can’t go as a unicorn to participate in a contest of the most scary costume at work, as unicorns couldn’t be evil, as they are too pure. So I thought I might go as a scary broken doll, like I’m used to that roll. (Just kidding).

    2. aval101,
      here is waht i understood from my readings:
      Psychopathy is not a personality disorder, it is a continuum, and we are all placed somwhere in it.
      of course a psychopathe can develop personality disorders like evryone, but a person who has high levels of psychopathy, but did not develop NPD, will not need the fuel and strugle with self estime issues.

      i think people with NPD tend to score hight on the psychopathy test due to their disorder, may be they were not psychopath to begin with.

      the addictive compenent is du to a sort of stockholm sydrom, their alternation beetween abuse and confort creats in your brain a chemical coctail that is addictive.

      1. I wonder if it’s as simple as this, at least sometimes: empaths go for narcs, because they pay attention to what we are feeling, even if it’s for all the wrong reasons. At least in the beginning, being used for fuel seems preferable to being ignored.

          1. HG

            “No, it is because of your addiction.”

            Are you saying you believe we only become MORE addicted to the narcissist through their manipulations but that the addiction already exists or that we are predisposed?

          2. You are already addicted. Engaging with us feeds the addiction and keeps you locked in destructive and unhealthy actions, behaviours and thoughts.

          3. But I get so impatient when normies assume I’m going to be impressed by something-or-other that women are expected to like! At least the narcs TRY to figure us out.

            OTOH, if I found out someone I didn’t find attractive was following me around, asking my friends about me, and hacking my system, I wouldn’t be flattered by the stalking: I’d be repelled.

            I’m so shallow.

          4. But, HG, I hardly got positive, good hits during my childhood, so when was the addiction to the upsides developed?

            The exnarc genuinely doesn’t seem to be conscious of how exactly played with my addiction, he even finds my thoughts on this too simplified. Or he refuses to see the truth in the neurochemical component. I don’t think he accepts that the doesn’t do oxytocin and stuff and doesn’t want to see.

            It’s a strange mixture, of not _really_ being able to see other people because the narc always has to be in the center and not being able to look inside …

        1. Violetta,
          i didn’t want his atention i really didn’t, i love being by myself, i spent the last 23 years of my life avoinding any emitional situation, or innecesssary attension i’m not good with people and i didn’ feel like trying, he was just verry good at apporching me slowly and made me think that may be with him it was ok. i’v always been a mixt between a crybaby and an old man he did seem ok with both, plus all my friend were like, what is your problem give him a chance and all

          1. and let’s be totally honest he was the most handsom gut on the campus so i admit it was flatering

        2. Yes, Violetta, I like that about narcs, too, that they give me, what I like. Tricky. I still like it about my exnarc, because he has given me so much valuable information, books, etc. that way, he really helped me with ideas, etc.
          I also had the feeling recently when meeting a mid ranger, that on the good days, he also thought we both had fun. He also explained about getting bored very quickly.

          1. No, I did volunteer consciously in this case … he wasn’t much danger, though very frustrating. I still do it because I want to learn by watching every step, and this one was definitely going to leave the country, he is very far away now. He is also just a mini narc, kind of agreeable and cuddly.

            I do see your point and am trying to convince myself at the moment to 100 % stay away from them. What the exnarc writes in his mails his just interesting to me, as in 0 impact, it is validation after validation of what you have taught us, so just case studies. No danger of meeting him, there is water and a few 1000 km between us.

            OMG I got a colleague who is soo delusional that he doesn’t even get how he has fucked up his job. His projects were taken away from him (one of them given to me, of course so I can clean up his mess … …), and he still sees nothing wrong with his picture of himself. <— So much for staying away from them, but I don't ever have to see and deal with this one.

          2. What a surprise. ;D

            Yes, Sir.

            [But it IS nice to write with the exnarc without an effect on me, either way, … I KNOW that neither the good nor the bad things he writes are real. But it is healing to me to watch how he describes his world, and how he talks to me. I am not buying anymore the stuff he says, neither flattering things or what he fakes about shared interests, nor the other way round.
            He helps me at the moment A LOT to understand what was going on with me and my parents, esp. my father, because he is soo sooo much alike him.

            He has even admitted that he had impregnated his wife after just 1 month to get the upper hand on her ex, she had a child with, and that he had chosen her with “practical” criteria, such as her making a LOT of money, more than he is, and so on, and on.

            To watch him and also his perspective on his kids, helps me to see my father and himself as sooooo … hm … pathetic actually. I see both their powerless now, and that it was my reaction to them (not much choice as a child of course, but do have a choice now).

            Also, I watch myself, and while yes, I was reacting to that recent mid ranger, – the exnarc has 0 effect on me anymore, I could care less when he tries to provoke a jealous reaction from me. My only emotional reaction is that I feel soo sooo sorry for that woman who is even more naive than myself.]

      2. Liza,

        Ah, yes, the addiction. Maybe the solution is to stay away from these drugs … … but then the pain ….

        You’ve confused me, or have a totally different definition of “psychopath”. To me, “psychopath” is not a trait, but the absolute top of all personality disorders.

        Like … I am watching some Columbo episodes at the moment, haha, and the first ones, written by certain authors, picture psychopaths and also narcissistic psychopaths perfectly, and Columbo catches at least one of them because of their narcissism.
        The episodes that are not so interesting and a bit illogical to me, seem to have been written by authors who don’t understand differences in people who commit acts without conscience, and others, because they also give people committing crimes in affect etc. some psychopathic traits, which are inconsistent.

        1. aval101,
          not a trait a set of traits.
          please read about the psychopathy checklist and robert hare works, i’m afraid i will not explain things correctly, and i would hate it to confuse you or give false informations,for i’m not a mental health proffetional, i was just reading by myself, that is just the conclusions i came with.

          as for the series, there may be some truth, but keep in minde that it is intended to be untertaining not educational, and the reality is usually too boring for the screen, so it is offen exagerated, an even invented.

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