You Wear Guilt
You wear guilt like a noose around your neck. There it hangs, just waiting to be yanked by me and the tightening ligature around that slender neck will bring you back into line. I can then allow the noose to hang about your neck once again, ready to be used as soon as I decide that it is necessary. You do not even try to remove this noose, you would, of course feel guilty if you tried to do so and as a consequence it will always remain with you, on you and about you.
There is no slow squeezing when this noose is called into action. It is immediate, painful and chastising. It allows the sudden and instant exertion of control. What better way than to achieve this than relying on something that is intrinsic to another person. This noose burns, it constricts and it chokes and you know that it is not going to go anywhere. The only way to deal with it is to comply and then the noose will slacken but it will not grant you release.
You have carried this noose for a very long time. Once upon a time it was only a few strands thick, yet for all of that apparent fragility, it could not be cut nor broken, neither snapped or torn. As time went on, the strands multiplied so that the thickness increased until now it hangs about you, sturdy and effective. Nobody else wove those additional strands into it. You did. You brought it all on yourself because of the twisted delight you have to wear this noose. You regard it as an obligation. It is part of who you are and whilst the pain it causes you is something that you would prefer not to have to suffer, you know that when it makes you suffer, you gain comfort from its presence and effect.
You know that not everybody has such a noose. There are those who do not even have one. You wonder often what that must be like. Not to have the yoke about you which weighs you down, restricts you and governs you. What must such freedom feel like? Then there are those who have such a noose but they seem to be able to lift it off and leave it behind when it suits them. Others still find that the noose is weak and it snaps apart when it seeks to apply pressure against its wearer. No such release for you.
This is the noose that has you always compliant. Sometimes you fight against it, hoping that you might perhaps once, just once, be able to exert such strength that causes it to break, but it never happens. No matter what resistance you exhibit or how much you strain to tear it apart, you fail and have no choice other than to comply so that the pain recedes. It leaves its mark about you. There is no doubt about it. Even though the searing pain may have lessened, you can feel that tight grip still and you know that others can see where it has left its mark. Not all have this ability to recognise the mark of the noose, but a certain group do and they always want to exploit its presence. Oh there have been times when you have sought to hide this noose, mask its presence in the hope that you escape the attention of those who recognise it. Even if you manage to conceal the noose, the mark that it has left about your neck is like an indelible stain. You cannot remove it and it is the stamp that tells those who know these things that you carry such a noose.
You may not realise that it is you who has added those additional strands over the years, causing the noose to thicken and strengthen. Those strands are bound together, layer upon layer, wound about one another, so that they become more than the sum of their parts. The strands which are fashioned from your pervasive, deep-seated guilt, are added to because of those things which you say and do. Each time you think a certain way, which you cannot help but do because of who and what you are, another strand is added, then another, until soon the noose becomes thick and heavy. Each time you think the following
It is my fault; I did not listen.
I need to do more to help.
He cannot help it.
I need to ensure I understand.
If only I could be stronger.
If only I knew what to do.
I should be getting home; he will wonder where I am.
I should not be doing this.
I should not speak ill of him really; he is my husband.
I should not think these things, I do love him, I just feel so weak and this is when I have these thoughts.
I ought to have realised.
I must listen more.
I have to keep trying.
I owe it to him to help.
He isn’t as bad as people say.
If I just keep going it will become better.
I have to try because if I don’t, who will be there for him.
It is my duty.
I made my vows and I shall abide by them.
I must be doing something wrong to make him feel like this.
I just seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
These thoughts and words, plus many more, cause the noose to become stronger. Thus it tightens and I yank it, pulling you in my direction so that you remain under my control, bound by this guilt to serve, to support and to fuel. An ever present burden which you add to yourself each and every day. A method by which you are manipulated, cajoled and coerced to fulfil my needs.
This noose is not there to hang you. No, there is no desire to bring about your demise. You are more effective to us functioning. Your guilt will not bring about your end, but instead it acts to maintain your imprisonment.
You make the noose grow.
I make the noose control you.
Can it be escaped? We think not. It is for life. Even though it may not tighten or constrict for some time, even years, it is always there and with the mark so prominent, another may come and utilise the control that the noose affords even though we may not be able to.
We will not lift it. It matters too greatly to us.
We will not lift it because it is your burden, perpetuated by you.
But it can be lifted. It is not simple or straightforward and we ensure we do not allow you the opportunity to address this chance to relieve yourself of this noose of guilt. It can be done. It is quite the task to achieve but for you, that journey begins by answering one question.
Who put it there in the first place?
44 thoughts on “You Wear Guilt”
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Hg,
I would rather wear a peacoat than GUILT.
It would appear we don’t know the noise is there until we meet (a narc) who has no such noose
At least, that’s what drew my attn to it.
THEN I thought- I’ll wear it until the youngest child is 18- then take it off.
With that cane the realization- I could remove it
And THEN I realized I could remove it NOW- 2 years early
So I did
I’m laughing now
I didn’t know the weight of it until it was gone!
Relief
WokeAF,
“It would appear we don’t know the noise is there until we meet (a narc) who has no such noose.” You are so right and I am in the same situation. It is all most of us have known and I am encouraged that the noose can be removed and the guilt removed, what a relief!
Empath’s wear guilt even when there’s nothing wrong. Tomorrow I’m going to drive for a total of four hours (2+2) to meet with a former school mate and teacher from grade school. The school mate was visiting from Phoenix and the teacher was visiting from the Philippines. The school mate sent me a message on Facebook asking if I can meet with them and that they are both excited to see me. I said yes even though I can’t remember which school I met them from. Her enthusiasm made me feel guilty. I had to ask several mutual friends to find out that they were from grade school and the former teacher taught Math. I have to say I’m still pretty excited. I’m always excited to meet with someone visiting from my home country. 😊
wow this is all very enlightening for sure. I have always worn a noose around my neck woven together by many different threads, not just golden strands of guilt. The strongest material is definitely that of self blame but that’s for another day, I suppose.
I have a very bold, I would go as far as saying “elite”, narcissist come into my life. He has sunk his teeth in me like I’ve never felt before. It is like a drug at this point pleasure and pain, sweet and sour, ect. Ive had tons of other lower end narcs in my past, though, I didn’t recognize any of it…always thought it was my fault that I couldn’t keep them in my life. Thought they were great and I was the loser. (which is ironic cause I have a very high ideal of myself and I let these people always break it down and I have to build it up all over again) I finally just leave and then obsess over my own inadequacies for months afterwards. This time this new person in my life has come in like I’ve never known before. Because of this overwhelming intense mind game that I’m living right now (love bombing that has been going on for a year), I was motivated to figure out why I keep getting stuck in bad relationships. Again thinking it was me solely. Now, my whole life is coming into clarity and I realize that I attract these particular types of people.
What is interesting, though, is I want to hurt him and I don’t feel guilty about it, I enjoy it. I am actually in so deep that I’m questioning my own personality traits. Am I really a codependent? Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just a sociopath? Who the fuck knows anymore. Is there such a thing as a codependent narcissist?
But lately, its been almost enjoyable to go on and on and on in this merry go round of a relationship. I can’t just do no contact with this man. We have to work together. He is a guru in his field. There are other people there to learn from him and his skills as well. They are like a cult that would do anything for him, regardless of how disrespectful he can be because he can charm people like I’ve never seen before. (so you know this group is mostly 60 year olds and up. Me and the trainer are both younger by 2 decades) I’m the new outsider that everyone would snub in a heartbeat if he were to decide to kick me out of this group. IN fact, I’ve had two go off on me because they are so jealous that he has chosen me to give most of his attention to at his moment. One was a 78 year old lady! Telling me that that was her trainer and I need to find a different one… I am the youngest, the best looking and the most talented in the group. I also am the one that gives the most promise to the “guru” that I will take these learned skills and actually win. (I’m just being objective here) This gives ME power.
The fear of losing this incredible opportunity to work with this “elite” person keeps me chained to him. This gives HIM power. He uses this to keep me close and he knows it. We actually talk about it. He’ll say stuff like where would you go if you left, boo? (ugh yes he has given me this horrible nickname the only one in the group with one…) IN fact, he pretty much tells me the way it is going to be and I fight back and he laughs and then I get mad then he smiles and then starts asking me stupid questions like what am I going to wear when I go out that night. I know he knows what he is doing while he is doing it. I can actually call him out on shit and do often and he just laughs and laughs. He is one cocky mother fucker, let me tell you. I’m pretty sure that he honestly just thinks I think he is cocky and pretentious and he thinks that is so “cute” that I label him this way….
ON the other hand, I know that he wants me to make him look good. Lots of people know me, lots of people want me to train with them, we have lots of mutual friends on the “outside” of the training group that would question why I stopped training with him. He has the magic prize at this moment. Its been going on for a year this month, but his ruthless chasing was a year before that. He got me to come and train and learn under him, he doesn’t want to lose that, not after a year of working me. Actually, I had dropped him for a whole year when he made me mad long before, I wasn’t “chained” to him so I just stayed away from him. I use that to my advantage for sure. I toy with him a lot even though I know he knows I’m toying with him. He lets me. He tells me all the time, “I let no one talk to me the way you talk to me. I’d get rid of any of those other students if they talked to me the way you talk to me”. Its all a game, you see? He has the power, lets me think I have the power, I also know I hold some power regardless of what anyone thinks, I remind him of that, its all a game. round and round.
Ugh, my gosh sorry for the novel. I’m sure there are rules about writing out so much. I guess I got carried away. I really can’t talk about this to ANYONE so I suppose I had a lot built up inside me. Plus its confusing AF…..I could just delete this rambling but my gosh I think I needed to type it all out…
SS,
Don’t apologize, that is what this is all about. I have revealed things on this site and to HG that my closest friends do not even know about. It is cathartic for you and us as we all learn from each other. xx
thanks Kristin. I appreciate it. This has my world turned upside down. I am learning so much about MYSELF more than anything else! And I’ve been truly considering a phone consultation with HG. That freaks me out to think I’d do that but I’m thinking about it strongly!
SS,
I too am learning so much about myself and it is just as important if not more so than learning about your narc. Do not be scared of consulting with HG! He is a godsend and speaking with him will help you so much. He has a great sense of humor, is easy to talk to and you won’t regret it!
thanks, Kristin, you are such a kind person. I’m glad to know you have gotten help from HG.
You are welcome. Keep moving forward day by day because sometimes that is all we can handle. He will encourage and enlighten you when you are ready.
I walked away from the closet before being put on the shelf so I thought I didn’t count.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Guilt has always been a noose around my neck
It was my mum’s doing with all clap trap of me not being perfect in her eyes
Thankfully being here after all these years, guilt has lessened considerably
I was so busy the other day ….no water or air con because of the extreme heat, I didn’t phone my mum (I phone her everyday)
I rang the day after, not a mention of it from her !
We are conditioned and brainwashed at an early age
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I fell asleep while my son waited to play a game. Unfathomable guilt. Stayed married while hating someone so the kids had two parents at home. Bordered into insanity.
“Who put it there in the first place?” Pure blame shifting, guilt invoking at its best!
Does the guilt ever end? Such an enlightening post that, once again, describes empaths so well. I think it is engrained in us to such an extent that we know no different and have no clue how not to feel guilt. Perhaps it is a coping mechanism?
Happy Narc free New Year Wishes to you all xx 🥳 😊
The way I would describe how my guilt feels is like I’m wearing cement boots that I have dragged around while the mud got deeper & thicker with no understanding of why my body and soul has felt so increasingly & debilitatingly heavy.
I’m slowly putting the pieces together after finding this site a couple of months ago. The truth has floored me but I’m so thankful for it.
My ET is raging having been hoovered by an appearance of my ex narc in person at work today. I didn’t think he’d have the balls.. brazen AF aren’t they.. grrrr !
Happy New Year, Reboot & Rebuild!
Welcome to narcsite.
Hello K 🙂 Thank you for your kind welcome.
The honesty, strength, support and humour In spite of all the wrongdoings in the comments sections are so encouraging & inspiring.
I hope 2020 holds peace in store for us all x
My pleasure, Reboot & Rebuild
The kindness and support on narcsite is phenomenal and I am very happy that you have found your way here. Cheers to a better, brighter and happier New Year!
Reboot & Rebuild!
“I’m slowly putting the pieces together after finding this site a couple of months ago. The truth has floored me but I’m so thankful for it.”
This site and HG are life savers and you, like so many of us, are putting the pieces back together. ET is such a struggle and causes so many problems but I’m finding that being aware of it is a huge help.
Welcome!
Ah thank you Kristen, I hope you’re doing ok.
Being aware really is the first step, I was clueless of my addiction or even what ET is. HG’s style appeals enormously as I’m so very sick & tired of being BS’d.. aren’t we all?!
And I’m angry. How do we deal with the anger and not become bitter and twisted like they are ?
Best wishes R&R
R&R,
I too was clueless and only just saw the truth. I am pissed and have been for a long time but I know HG will help move me past it and on to escaping. It is part of the greiving process and I learn something new everyday on this site and through the supportive angels. Keep plugging ahead and read his books too if you can. XX
It’s not suprising that your ET is surging after that. They are remorseless and shameless.
Stay strong, you’ve got this x
Thank you for reaching out & your words of confidence Notme! x
Work was the only avenue left open, naively I thought he’d be to 🐓 to show up, or at least not so soon.. silly me x
This noose is something I struggle with all the time and the narc who finally broke picked up on immediately and tightened within a few weeks. One I now immediately am aware of in dealing with new people but I lessen it faster. I’m working on it. It’s one reason I will never again marry; so at least I won’t have to deal with divorcing a narc if I am so foolish as to forget what I’ve learned and get entangled again.
Cyn,
You are so aware and enlightened and obviously making progress. It is sad that you worry about getting entangled again in the future but I totally get that. I fear the same after I escape because we are hard wired to be attracted to certain people, ie, narcs. Keep doing what you’re doing! I appreciate your honesty.
I did just snag another one. I saw a couple red flags but I figured it wasn’t a big deal because I wasn’t planning on dating him and made that clear and I wasn’t quite sure. So after 2 visits I cut it off, as I told him in the beginning I would. I’m cut and dry practical Virgo, not usually mushy like I was with my last narc. Now he’s back and I ran through the previous indicators: things he said he was a supporter of but didn’t know much about when I took a deeper dive and questioned him on, obvious sex addict ( I have a healthy sex drive but he’s a robot calling himself primal), endless profile about how enlightened, classy, into yoga( I hate it), etc, advising specific music to listen to while reading it, over the top flattery that bugs me and is unnecessary about his connection with me etc (please, we know each other in the bedroom), and of course he’s back wanting to negotiate after I told him no means no I’m not interested in being third in open marriage (meaning his codependent wife.) I thought his wife and “open marriage“ bullshit meant I had a safety out. I feel nothing. Well irritated now. Thought it was a casual hook up with someone looking for the same and now I know he is one because he is texting, gushing wanting to revisit, put me first etc. Not about what he wants!!!!!!! That’s the narc thing lol! Omg! Don’t narcs ever have hook ups they then just take off the list?
Oh additional indicators of somatic, photos of him in Tokyo, Spain,Hawaii, a million other places, his brand new Rover, when I say I am tired of texting and prefer actual conversations he wants to meet up (I refused, this was after I said I didn’t want to see him anymore and clearly an attempt to hook me again), his 3 orgasms in 45 minutes. I had hoped maybe he wasn’t a narc just a regular guy that had a poly thing, until he didn’t stay gone. He made it 6 days.
Cyn
They have Intimate Partner Secondary Sources (IPSS) that they fuck with then put on the shelf, but they don’t take you off the list. Why would they?
Well can’t I take him off my list? Sheesh!
That’s so true. Over the last 12 years i have bumped into an ex ‘boyfriend’ or rather someone who would never quite commit to a relationship and left me dangling. I remember being at the time so frustrated as to why he wouldn’t quite ‘just get on with it’. I now know, newly empowered, that i was an IPSS and can recognise the IPPS’s in his life. The two times i have bumped into him in 12 years, both times he has attempted to hoover me. He is now married, and married when he hoovered me (though I didnt know that until recently) , and cocky as hell each time he met me – once with the wife in tow. No conscience whatsoever and his entitlement to contact me afterwards and play the ‘we dont know each other game’ in front of his wife with amusement on his face is flabbergasting. BTW, the previously beautiful wife looked strained and aged more than her years. Evidence enough of being with a narc.
Isn’t it insane how they treat the spouse? I mean in this weird way being a secondary is so much more respectable.
Cyn, your narc and mine are similar. You can take him off the list, I did. I’m still in his list, though in his mind I’m just giving him some delay and he’s waiting. It’s been almost 2 years now but he doesn’t care about that. It doesn’t matter, they never take you off. What matters is that you do. I’m not unblocking him and not giving him any chances to contact me in any form. Go no contact. They don’t understand your “no.”
SP
Can you identify when or how you stopped ‘caring’ about still being on his list? I’m NC but nowhere near ZI. It still feels like I’m playing his game and while he is equipped, I am not. Thanks
SP,
You are right, they do not understand our “no” and my narc has literally said for years, no doesn’t mean no (unless it is from him.) He plays it off as joking but that is another example of how they do not respect boundaries of any kind. Double standard at its best.
Notme, it took a while. At the beginning, he stalked me at work and though I ignored him and tried to keep NC I secretly like the hoovers because I kept on thinking emotionally and confused them with love or attraction. Same with his anonymous calls. Eventually and after talking to HG I saw him for what he is: an attention whore that is capable of jumping in the ocean in a speedo in December just to get “likes” on social media. I’m lucky in the sense that my narc is so somatic that when you know what he is looking for you can’t help but laugh at how embarrassing he is. I feel better than ever now. If my emotional thinking plays games on me at any moment, I go back to that secret place in my heart two summers ago when I was sinking in a dark hole of sadness, jealousy, and low self-esteem because of his corrective silent treatment (he didn’t like that I was traveling and enjoying my friends instead of being stuck to the phone praising his dick pics) and his insidious triangulations. Then I realize I am happy when I’m not with him, and I was immensely anxious when I was with him. You’ll get there, I promise. Keep NC and do exciting things. Your life goes on, his is caught in a vicious cicle.
Kristin, my narc’s thoughts: “yes, we both are married, but who am I to deny myself of what I feel inside? I’m always on the side of pleasure.” Now, substitute “pleasure” with “fuel.” Voilà.
I meant vicious cycle! My phone wanted circle and then we got a hybrid instead haha! Ah, my phone is a bad, bad appliance.
how do you go no contract with him, SP, when you are involved as a married couple and have mutual friends?
Singasongy, I went NC with our mutual friends too. Collateral damage. My husband doesn’t mind, he actually never liked hanging out with that group too much, he always said they are arrogant pricks so it’s not a big trouble. I avoid the places he likes to frequent and so far, have managed to dodge him. It’s a full time job. I’m working on moving to another city, keep your fingers crossed so that it all works out. I’m tired of hiding.
I hope it all works out for you. Please let me know how it goes. It is very interesting as this is so similar to what I’m working through and I’d like to know how things go for you. And I understand about moving.
I think you’ll be surprised at how much you’ll recognize quickly now. I have, and have side stepped 3 incoming Narcs in the last yr.
What I find is I don’t meet any (available) men who aren’t Narcs and/or married or w gfs they hide. No one ever.
But at least I haven’t gotten ensnared again. That is it’s own reward, as I continue healing
Curious…HG …do you find those lacking personal boundaries to give more fuel?
Guilt (i just had a bout of it last night with a client)…and it seemed to come from not having a sense of my own personal boundaries in a specific area. A sense of: its okay for me to have boundaries..its okay for me to say no.
Giving makes me feel good. I like how i feel when i give. How much i give determines at what cost. I dont want to give at the expense of compromising myself anymore. As scary as it is to speak my truth…i need to begin saying my truths out loud even if they conflict with those around me.
Normal love relationships and friendships have room for conflict dont they?
Strong boundaries are part of the solution to getting out and staying out aren’t they? Omygosh…thats what youve been saying all the time …And not just in the arena of no contact….right?
Hello Argb,
1. No. The provision of fuel is best catered for by empaths for reasons explained throughout my work.
2. Normal relationships involve a degree of friction (I would say conflict is too harsh a description) through internal and external disagreements but they are entirely different from a relationship involving a narcissist.
3. Actually, the assertion of boundaries is a red herring when it comes to dealing with the narcissist. It is pointless trying to assert them with someone who does not recognise them, that is why you control yourself and not us. There will a forthcoming Assistance Package dealing with this which will be of interest to you.