Why Am I Drawn To Toxic Behaviours?
383 thoughts on “Why Am I Drawn To Toxic Behaviours?”
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@Harlequeen
Maybe you could date someone with ADHD as well? I’ve dated 3 people ADHD (one I believe was a narc though) and I also have a good friend who has ADHD. So there is quite a lot of people around. It might be far less boring for you.
Also why do men have to approach women?
I attract ugly lessers and mids, so if a man was what I was looking for it would be a waste of time waiting for them to come to me, hypothetically I’d buy the hottest guy a drink
Dear Mr Tudor,
It’s definitely more than 6 rounds …. haha
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Hi whocares…ty for your reply and it has me thinking more about that question about where did this need for intensity derive from? I can only speculate and speak from my situation but i do think in my situation it first stemmed from a lack of self love. Like the narcissist i never truely loved myself and struggled with feeling empty. Meeting a narc helped fill that void but bc its external like a narc uses fuel it isnt sustaining and you need more and more to fill that void bc in a way its artificial and a bandaide to the problem which is lack of knowing oneself and accepting and loving yourself.
The intensity doesnt last and wears off like a drug you need more. Social media is the same way you get hits of intensity thru comments and likes etc you need it more and more.
As far as needing an intense person i think this is from an inner void in my case. Now that ive had the intensity its hard to guage and compare real life next to it bc it wasnt real. In a nutshell you have to detox to know how you truely feel about normal life and its hard to do that when youre still involved with a narcissist.
I compare it to someone with bpd self harming. The pain is intensity and allows them to feel and be human. They need to know they can feel emotion and not flatline. Same with reckless behaviour…intensity.
I do ask myself everyday what life would be like without npd and its cycle. Would i eventually enjoy the calmness of normal life or would i become bored and depressed? I think ive changed a lot over the years and would work thru it to find a healthier me.
Hi mommypino…good point about boring people and yes ive met boring narcissists as well. Boring is a individual aspect bc whats boring to me may not be to someone else. To me a boring narcissist is a somatic. I start to yawn if theyre all about their looks and how they attract everyone …yawn. i find it shallow but to someone else that may mesmerize them and especially another somatic who put all their emphasis on this. Thats not to say some somatics arent boring tho. I guess it comes down to personality and shared interests.
Your hubby sounds wonderful! Was the narc in your life a family member?
Chi-Mum:
Come to think of it, my narcy shrink and narcy teachers were among the most boring people I ever met.
That’s what really offended them. Not that I was rebellious, but that if they didn’t provoke me into open rebellion, I wasn’t paying them any attention at all….
The kids who corrected my teachers’ mistakes were at least paying attention.
Hi Violetta, I think the lower functioning narcs are the boring ones. I personally think that the most boring narcs are the lower MRs.
Chi-mum and Violetta, I agree that Somatics can be boring but for me the Victims are the most low energy out of all the Cadres. A Lower Mid-Range Victim is the most boring narcissist I have ever seen. She is like a living dead person. Very low energy and not expressive.
Thank you Chi-mum! He is wonderful and I’m so lucky. The narcs were my mom, my half sister, my husband’s first wife and his daughters from her. I ended up here at Narcsite because a handyman who worked at our house for almost two weeks tried to seduce me and he triggered my addiction and I became obsessed with him although I never let him know. I even lost appetite after he was done working at our house and I almost texted him when I was having withdrawal but I was able to stop myself thankfully. I never gave him my number when he asked for it which I was happy about. The hoover bar was really high especially since I told my husband about what the handyman tried to do. But I still had the addiction so I was searching for his behaviors over the internet and it has lead me here. And this site has given me answers to everything that I had been carrying my whole life. I finally understand my mom and my half sister. I finally understand why my half brother disengaged from his sister even before I came to the picture and I finally understand the stories that they told me. I finally understand why my stepdaughters behave that way and how their mom turned them to be that way and now they don’t seem to even care about their dad. I have had at least two narcissist friends either which were both from work and I finally understand them as well. I went through a phase where I wondered if I was the narcissist because how could someone have so many narcissists in her life like I do but HG said that I’m a Geyser Empath from his Detector. I think maybe being a Geyser, I tend to be a low hanging fruit kind of target as well which is why I don’t even need to be ensnared romantically to produce fuel for someone. My expressive face do not hide anything and even though I never told the handyman that I had a big crush on him he obviously knew it and I caught him chuckling on his way to his truck on his last day of work like his cup was overflowing with fuel.
What you said makes perfect sense. I don’t get bored with my husband but not necessarily because he always perform to stimulate me. It just so happens that we are in a way kind of in sync that even when we are just having a Redbox movie night with popcorn or driving to Lowe’s to get plants we are both happy about it. Although I am more excited about it than him which makes him laugh at how little things like that make me excited. 😊
MP
You said that the handyman triggered an addiction. Do you mean that you recognize in yourself an addiction to narcissists in general or this was this a new feeling? What did the handyman demonstrate to you that triggered addiction?
Only if you care to share of course. You need not be concerned about further discussion with me because I am only interested in your answer (and thought it might be beneficial to others as well) so will not respond to whatever you reply.
Not true NA you are just as nice 🤗
If you look up the characteristics of a Jezebel spirit you will find it is the same as narcissism. This is the spiritual root of narcissist personality disorder.
No, it is not.
DM
I did look into Jezebel spirit and found the theory to be right up there with the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy in terms of credibility, and even less so for satisfaction as far as result.
I think that my husband is a Normal and he is far from boring. He makes everybody laugh and most people love and respect him. He is often the life of the party making each person smile and feel noticed. He cracks jokes, sings songs and dances with us at our house. Him and I are our kids’ biggest playmates. He also loves to travel and try different activities outdoors. I am never bored with him and he thinks that I’m far from boring too even though I’m an empath. My empath traits actually crack him up and fascinate him. I think that boring people are everywhere and they can be empaths, normals and even narcissists. I have known a lot of boring narcissists too.
Lol k i think i even got our names mixed up and almost put narcangel 😄
Chimum
I apologize that anyone could confuse us. It really was in name only. You are much nicer and don’t deserve that haha.
Chihuahuamum
Hahahaha…I was in a haze of cognitive dissonance and gas lighting when I arrived here! It confused everything.
This package is for everyone. My thought originally was that I would enjoy it purely from an interest standpoint on the general subject of narcissism, but I was wrong. It cleared up things personally that I didn’t even think applied to me. It also confirmed my thoughts on the overuse by some of the label of narcissist and why that occurs. I listened to it once, and then the second time I wrote the information on separate sheets of paper so that I would have a visual when moving between and comparing the different categories on subsequent listens. It is that informative. Highly recommend.
Thank you NA and excellent observations as to its applicability.
Hi Dr. Harleen…ty for elaborating. That must be frusterating to feel that way and have the need for that intensity or fall into a depressive state from boredom. I can relate to that but on a lesser scale. I have felt bored and depressed but i realise for me its also being mindful of my thoughts and what is leading to a depressive state. I dont have adhd as far as i know but one of my children does and i do worry how itll affect them later in life.
I appreciate your openess and can relate to a lot of what you post. Hope life is treating you well and glad to see you back! 🙂
WhoCares;
I love when people reference farmers or farming in their comments. Farming is a metaphor for many life experiences. Farming is encompassing and universal.
Who is John Wick?
All you need to know Lorelei, is do not set him off.
I feel so much of this post.
K:
I did sin in looking him up. We know perfectly well we’re not supposed to do things that will give rise to Emotional Thinking, and mine went through the roof.
Is that offer about The Jackal still open?
Violetta
Hahahaha….absolutely!
Dear Mr Tudor,
That’s kinda sad …. I know he’s had a lot of trauma in his life
Everyone luvs Keanu, doesn’t appear to put a foot wrong
I must admit I didn’t enjoy John Wick 3 …. too violent and not much of a story line for my taste, however our kids luvved it ! The first one was my favourite !
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
I have watched 1 and 2. I may watch 3 tonight and play my game of identifying the guns he uses.
Chihuahuamum,
I completely understand what you’re saying but for me it is lack of stimulation. Adhd people are known for needing stimulation and often sensation seeking. I’ve been this way my entire life. I’m always in search of dopamine. I sometimes get those highs I guess from doing certain types of things re my career and when I’m inspired to create. It never lasts that long. To complicate things further when you are a depressive sometimes it’s difficult to experience pleasure. The things that make other people go wow don’t make me feel much if anything at all. I can’t help the way I am. I am what I am and I cope with what I am.
The men that have enough balls to approach me are usually cluster b. They don’t find me as intimidating because let’s be real they usually aren’t afraid of anything lol.
I am attracted to people who are different and intense. They pop up on my radar. I pop up on theirs for many reasons but my intensity is one of them. I’ve never ever been called boring – not even by psychopathic friends and partners of mine. They stick around me for many reasons – one of them being they find me stimulating.
I have an internal restlessness. I need substance and intellectual stimulation.
When people say they have never experienced boredom I laugh because come inside my brain Be me for a day …. you will. When people say do this do that it’s annoying and let me tell you why…I can’t feel it. I’ll go through the motions but I’m not gonna fake a smile for anyone or fake excitement. I can’t help what I can’t feel.
It is for all of these reasons I fight the fight for my psychopaths because they can’t help what they can’t feel. I can relate to them in some ways. That is why I’m so empathetic towards them.
I get extremely irritated when people suggest that when I’m “healthy” I’ll be attracted to “healthy” … “neurotypical” people. That will never happen. That is death to me.
I can’t change who I am. I accept it.
I don’t like vanilla ice cream it repulses me the way fucking a neurotypical would. You can force feed it to me but I want enjoy it.
Cute!
Hranolky
Lisk: “hranolky” is Czech for French fries.
Where in the world is Narcen San de Tudor?
Thanks, Violetta. Correct spelling goes a long way . . . .
Thank you dear Bubbles.
Also gonna throw in goal keeper Iker Casillas into this handsome-empath equation.
HG taught us how to recognize them. I understand that now.
Not that I’ll ever learn completely. Far from it. “Never immune. Always resisting”
Dear Cat,
Sorry, I’m not familiar with Iker Casillas
Chris Hemsworth I do like
Narcs come across all empathic and unfortunately we have to sort out all the lies n deceit …. how tiresome
I’m positive I’ll never learn it completely and that’s why my red alert button is never off !
“Never immune, always resisting” ….. aint that the truth !
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Will respond In a little to this (going to gym lol)
https://youtu.be/vpNUzNBw6FI
Hi Dr. Harleen….its great to see you back and i enjoy your posts.
A lot of what you wrote i can identify with.
You had said you dont go for toxic behaviours but in your letter way back when we wrote them and HG posted you wrote about how you knew that guys type at your job yet you were interacting with him. Ill have to go back and read it. Wouldnt that be drawn to toxicity? I know ive also felt how you describe about needing the intensity and being bored within the narc cycle with my narc. The love bombing is wonderful but then the devaluing is also in a way intense. The intensity i think is what keeps many in the narc cycle and forms trauma bonding. Its like a drug and coming off of it would be such a contrast. Boredom feels like hell and with it depression. In any relationship itll never be full on intensity and does wear off over time when real life sets in. I think this is why many go thru multiple partners. Intensity does stimulate and helps a person forget less desirable things in life and their past. I know for me when i was away from the narc i went thru a phase of what i felt as a deadness and i now know it was detoxing. It was a very uncomfortable feeling bc i was used to that constant high whether it be love bombing golden period or devaluing and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did find over time i felt a sense of peace but it would come and go and i wasnt no contact long enough to see how it would develop over time.
The need for intensity is it from adhd or a void? Im curious if those with adhd would be more prone to this need for high intensity? I wonder if the high intensity could come from other areas in ones life opposed to people ie careers or passions? I just think constant high intensity burns out over time and is inevitable. Its not normal imo to have a constant high intensity with a partner unless youre in a toxic relationship such as with a narcissist and imo those that are have their own issues they need to look into and heal. I am still searching this area out within myself. Why do i feel i need this stimulation and feel empty without it? Ive also noticed since ive worked on othe areas of my life i havent been obsessed with the narc and those highs.
I can identify with narcissists and their need for fuel. I know im not a narcissist yet as a codependant of one i can see similarities within myself. I think those drawn to narcissists and especially those that stay have similiar demons and thats why they are in the narc cycle dance.
Chihuahuamum,
“The need for intensity is it from adhd or a void? Im curious if those with adhd would be more prone to this need for high intensity? I wonder if the high intensity could come from other areas in ones life opposed to people ie careers or passions? I just think constant high intensity burns out over time and is inevitable. Its not normal imo to have a constant high intensity with a partner unless youre in a toxic relationship such as with a narcissist and imo those that are have their own issues they need to look into and heal. I am still searching this area out within myself. Why do i feel i need this stimulation and feel empty without it? Ive also noticed since ive worked on othe areas of my life i havent been obsessed with the narc and those highs.”
I think you speak a lot sense here Chihuahuamum. I think if many of us examined this “need” for intensity closer and gave some thought to its origins we might find some illumination. (I think much of this is addressed in HG’s new material on Emotional Thinking.)
I think it is also part of what we are constantly exposed to around us (culturally and otherwise) and the things we consign to the label of “boring” or “intense”. Yes, we can argue that we *feel* we need these things – but how did we get so accustomed to having these ‘highs’ in our life – our upbringing, and relationship experiences and constant exposure to the ideal that life must always be intense (career skyrocketing, intense passionate relationships, constant self-improvement, fill in the blank with whatever). But life is a series of cycles if left to it’s own natural routines; we can’t sustain that high level of intensity without damage – just like a farmer’s field can’t sustain crops continually but must be left fallow for a time.
I have never understood the concept or expression of boredom actually. There’s too much I would like to do or learn, I have never felt boredom. I have felt the lack of opportunity and time to do the things that feed my passions in other ways (not relationship needs) so now whatever ‘void’ there is due my lack of having a narcissist in my life makes a lot more space to attend to those things.
Good for you finding other pursuits in lieu of giving in to obsessing about the narc.
Cute little thing about adhd and relationships lol
https://youtu.be/XbyN8REIhMk
@violetta,
Yeah I imagine it was really rough for him.
I understand why he didn’t want to commit to me personally now. At the time we were both insecure damage goods and we still needed time to grow. I regret ending it badly and I hope he’s in a better place now.
John Wick is badass!
Do you like fries HG? I find them rather greasy. A few are ok but generally I’m more a baked potato fan.
Now and again.
Lorelei, French fries were created by Satan himself in order to destroy me. Of that I am certain. (Along with pizza and Doritos)
MB—I have a weakness for salty tortilla chips and guacamole. I could eat a whole bag of the tortilla chips. I was very surprised by a friend at work just yesterday. I’ve recognized her to be a very non-toxic person—I find her very pleasant. I took peanut butter fudge in and she said she couldn’t even have one piece. Why? She said once she starts she won’t stop. She weighs her food, does Arnold competitions in a swim suit—her body is a work of art. She suffers from the same damn problem. She knows not to even go there. I am attempting to remain watermelon sour patch kid free!
Lorelei, I’m with you on the chips and guacamole although they are not my drug of choice. It seems the watermelon SPK should be fairly easy to ditch since they cause mouth pain!
Watermelon SPK’s are like narcissist sex—only good in the moment and then the pain..! I’ve decided to go to the Dominican Republic. I know it’s a random thing to mention but I’m browsing packages right now. I’ve never been there.
Dear Cat,
I just saw the movie , Ad Astra …… wow! (But also the significance behind the story)
I Luv Keanu !!
I’m with you
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
John Wick is where Keanu resides.
Dear NarcAngel n Alexis2026,
Add + one
🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
*I* invest in dick ! 👋🏻
“. . . whether it’s minor, such as pinching the fries off my plate . . .” had me almost completely cracking up, until I realized I want to hear “chips.”
Please consider revising, HG!
Besides that minor detail, this is a key work that I need to listen to a few times to fully absorb. Sort of like Shakespeare.
Thank you, HG, and thank Generous Reader again.
I chose fries as people understand that to mean fried potatoes and I have a worldwide audience.
If I said “chips” some people would understand that to mean thick cut fries others would think the equivalent of crisps.
I understand, HG. However, part of your charm is your specific locality.
That would be hanrolky hanrolky
Sure . . . whatever that means!
You mentioned locality. I answered by reference to locality.
Lisk, it’s bound to be an anagram. Hurt God enjoys using them.
Understood.
I’m not attracted to toxic behaviors. I’m attracted to intensity and stimulation. People rarely catch my attention. When they do they can’t hold it for very long.
I require a lot of attention, communication and fucking reciprocity.
I can’t be with a neurotypical person. My Disorders complicate things even more. I am not neurotypical and yes I’m empathetic as fuck but I have a different constellation of traits and shit.
I’m adhd, ODD, and have persistent depressive disorder. I am not wired the same as everyone else or as the typical empath. It is what it is. I accept the way it is. I realize there has to be people out there that are like me but I recognize how hard that is to find.
It’s not as simple as finding an “empath” (which is difficult enough to find). Factoring in levels of intelligence, values, physical attraction, and other characteristics…makes shit not so damn easy.
I get into these situations because every once in awhile I think maybe I got it wrong. The problem is that I never fucking get it wrong. I give people benefit of the doubt ever once in awhile because I know you are always taking a risk and boom here I am. I also get into these situations because of boredom. Yup I said it once again……
B o r e d o m
Lack of stimulation
I do NOT enjoy the bullshittery…
I do not go for toxic behaviors.
I need fucking Stimulation and fucking reciprocity.
Rant over.
No I lied…
It drives me nuts when people tell me when I’m healthy I’ll be attracted to only healthy people and neurotypical.
No.
Logically…
Statistically…
That is an accurate statement….
Most people suck though and that’s reality…
It’s harder to find people who are more empathetic and who check certain boxes. It’s important to also account for chemistry, intelligence, looks etc.
No it’s not impossible.
It is difficult though in an age when people are completely detached and don’t invest in dick.
So again…it’s not impossible…but it’s difficult and it’s a shitty, disheartening, and often boring as fuck ride.
I had a teaching gig for fall but want so it now due to some next September travel.. Maybe next winter??
Lorelei:
You are not alone. I googled my first therapist, and within seconds I was ready to beat the shit out of someone I haven’t seen since I was a teenager. Some people are tempted by lust: my besetting son is anger.
I know better. I know better.
I’d like to warn others not to consult this shit–maybe a negative review on Yelp?–but this may be the equivalent of trying to warn the imminent victim of your narcy ex–no one will listen, and the narc will just say pityingly that he feels terrible that he couldn’t help you.
And if I actually get that teaching job, it would be a pity if I couldn’t take it because I was being charged with assault. 😞
Lorelei, WAF, & K:
Guys, to do the dishes
Guys, to clean up my room
Guys, to do the laundry
Guys, and in the bathroom
(- with apologies to the Beastie Boys)
Violetta
Hahahaha….Girls, that was great!
Glad to hear that Alexis. I just replied to MB that I’m not (basically) getting overly lost—just in process. It is not going to be sprinkling pixie dust abound through the fields of a post addiction world. This is a bitch. I would rather be 500 lbs and fighting donuts.
HG has the first 2 of 3 ebooks on this that are really good. ENSNARED…and, I forget the other one.
I’m hoping part 3 comes out soon I need closure on their story!!
Lorelei. The addiction is a bitch. But i promise you it does get better.
I still have to fight it. Not for the original twat because I honestly do feel nothing for him at all I could not care less whether I saw him again or not because he has zero effect on me. But with others – friends, I have to fight it.
Ah that’s great NA! I’m so pleased to here another positive example. We can’t be the only ones at all.
Were you an IPSS too? Sorry, I don’t know your story?
I guess another reason they target us, because we’re happy!
zwartbolleke:
“empaths: all taken, no partner will ever let such a person slip away”
Unless their narcy partners discard them, as some of ours have. Or they escape.
And if we have reservations about dealing with a guy who has a narcy ex, we send him here to Narcsite, so that once he’s recognized that is what the ex is, he can develop his own strategies.
Even if he doesn’t turn into our lifelong partner, we’ll have helped one more break free.
Violetta,
“Another reason why the AVRN series is useful: people need to.see what happens when a female narc ensnares a male.”
Yes, definitely. I think that many Empath men actually have no idea that they have been entangled and this is, in part, because mid-ranger women camouflage very well.
Hey, Harry might be available soon. He wasn’t a soy-boy before Meghan got to him!
Indeed! Haha
Same Whocares—I’m able to keep people more organized now! I was a lunatic for 6 months, just kinda nutty since..
It’s all women on here HG. I don’t want a girlfriend on the regular. Jeeze.
The point was made that there are no single empathy. There are many.
The point did not say there are no single male empaths.
Jeez.
I know, it’s just that women are like diabetic candy. I’ll say no more.
Ha ha
Not kidding.
Also- being single is the BEST
Worrying about not finding a mate is cured by changing the intention to getting so happy solo, you don’t care
Better than walking on eggshells and mindfuckery.
The worst feeling is feeling you won’t find a mate. I had it once. Then I realized I was alive the whole time I was single and guess what- still am. Turns out I don’t need one.
Sex- well that’s a different story. 😆
Witch: I can relate to that one. It’s likely he either had teachers screaming in his face, “You could pay attention if you wanted to!” Or they spoke very slo-o-o-o-owly “because I want you to understand,” meaning by the time they’re at the end of the sentence, you can’t remember what the beginning was, and pretty soon you don’t care.
They only need to do this once or twice in front of other students, and pretty soon people you’ve been playing with since 2nd grade will be treating you like a freak.
WhoCares: Good point. Another reason why the AVRN series is useful: people need to.see what happens when a female narc ensnares a male. Harry wasn’t a dreary boring conformist guy: he was a rebel, a party animal, athletic, proud of his military service, and if you’ve seen the way the guys in his unit joked around with him in the Cyprus video, well-liked (if they don’t like you, they don’t joke. Either they will be scrupulously polite or downright surly if they think they can get away with it).
Now look what’s she’s turned him into.
I wish HG would do a Lesley on that bitch.
Anm: I think Keanu was one of those 2nd-generation hippie kids where Mommy smoked a lot of weed when he was in utero.
Lorelei – I cannot deal with not knowing what’s set this fire under ur bum. I’ll pay you Tuesday for this logic bulletin today -?? 😁😁😁
Lorelei:
“I do think it’s hilarious that eating a peach has been so newsworthy!”
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
-TS Eliot
I’d rather deal with an Empath. When normals know they’re normal, the self-righteousness is intolerable. And they tend to dismiss empaths as “too intense.”
@violetta,
I think the reason I wouldn’t be suited to a normal is because they wouldn’t understand why I feel certain things and I feel like I need to do certain things. They may think I just a make too much fuss over nothing.
And equally I wouldn’t understand why they did not feel certain things or do certain things. It may not be a stressful relationship but I think we wouldn’t be able to relate as much as I could with another empath.
Lorelei:
I thought I was in love with a a boring fat ugly uneducated dumb boring narc man just because he came across like Gaston in Beauty and the Beast and I accepted his inflated opinion of himself. Maybe I should have looked at guys who were better-mannered and actually better looking, but whose good qualities took a little more time to be noticed, because they weren’t so busy blowing their own horns.
Witch: Yep. We only think of the narcs who succeed in ensnarement. Look at all the guys who took PUA classes and try to work charm they don’t actually have. Then they go shoot up a campus or an exercise class. The Santa Barbara shooter was stunned that his lumpy looking roommate could find sexual partners and he couldn’t. It never occurred to him that girls could smell the resentment coming out of him, but the roommate made them feel comfortable.
Violent Incels are narcs; they’re just not very good at it.
@violetta
I agree, the incel community is infested with misogynistic narcs who think women are evil whores who deliberately reject them in order to assert their superiority over them. They are paranoid, delusional, entitled, lack accountability.
I remember one of them ending up on the news who was actually decent looking and women would definitely be interested in him if he wasn’t such an overt psychopath.