How To Make the Narcissist Return

 

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To bastardise a phrase, “How does your emotional thinking affect thee, let me count the ways?”

“I still love her and I always will, I miss her so much.”

“I know what he is, but I don’t care, I just have to be with him, there is no point otherwise.”

“I cannot stand to be without him. The pain is too much, so I would rather have the ups and downs than nothing at all.”

“I understand her now, so I can control the situation better so I will not be hurt. I can make this work.”

“Since I understand him, I can explain to him that I do and he will realise and everything will work out for the best.”

“All I need to do is work on pleasing her and asserting my boundaries and we can get through this, love conquers all.”

“I am better than her and he will soon realise what he has lost and he will come back to me, we are soul mates and meant to be.”

“They say if you let someone go and they come back then it is meant to be. That is what I must do ; let him go and ensure he returns to me.”

“I know he has hurt me but I have done some bad things as well, so if we are honest with one another we will sort things out, I only want him and nobody else.”

“I know he is bad for me, but well, it is so boring without him. Nobody else compares to him.”

“I don’t care if he hurts me, I love him and I know he really loves me and that is all that matters in the end. Love hurts sometimes you know.”

All of the above are the product of the fraudulent effect of emotional thinking and a thousand thousand further phrases besides. I have heard so many and read even more. I have no doubt you can think of similar utterances and proclamations.

So, if the bond is so tight and the pain so awful that you cannot bear to be without the narcissist, why not make him or her come back to you after they disengaged from you. They wanted you once, they seduced you and goodness, how did they seduce you! Those magical, mesmerising days of golden, beautiful, flawless perfection. If only you can return to them. How might you go about achieving this? What steps can you take to ensure that the narcissist returns to you and not only returns but stays? After all, you know they are a narcissist now, you understand why he or she operates as they do, you recognise the manipulations and you are confident that you can handle the narcissist so that not only are you not hurt but so that you do not lose them. You have gained the power through knowledge haven’t you? Now, all you need to do is cast that magic spell to make us come back to you. What can you do to guarantee the return of the narcissist to your arms, to your home, to your bed?

  • Provide that positive fuel. Provide the narcissist with that reminder of the glorious and potent fuel that once drew us to you. Let it gush and fountain from you, with your praise, love and admiration for us. Do not hide it under a bushel, let it appear in vast quantities and often. Drown us in your positive fuel.
  • Make those traits of yours which we expressed admiration for shine and appear prominently so we see what rewards await us by coupling with you once more, so we can claim those traits once again. Make sure that your achievements are noticeable – that promotion, that recent big client win, the articles printed in the press, the new followers for your work and so on.
  • Ensure that the residual benefits are available once again. Have that house open to us whenever we choose, make it clear that money is available, let us know that we have a house keeper who will cook, clean and care for us, let it be known that yours is ours, that your contacts are accessible to us for our use, that we can plug into your networks once again and attend those prestige events. Whatever those residual benefits are, make it evident that they are ours for the taking.
  • Demonstrate penance for everything bad that you have ever done. Make it clear you were at fault and that we were not, recognise your shortcomings and apply the suitable mea culpa mea maxima culpa so we know your contrition is genuine.
  • Remove any obstacles. If you have a new partner, ditch him or her. Drop the restraining order. Obviously destroy the no contact regime. There should be no fence, wall or barrier to our glorious return.
  • If we have been bad mouthed in anyway, make sure this is overturned. Ensure that family, friends and colleagues speak well of us, correct any ‘misunderstandings’ they may have acquired about us and create a fertile ground for the growth of our new and improved façade.
  • Look and be your best to cater for the relevant cadre of narcissist, be it somatic, cerebral, victim or elite. Ascertain which we are and cater to that by adjusting your appearance, behaviour, outlook etc to align with what we want.
  • Demonstrate subservience once again and your willingness to submit to our authority. Be strong to the world at large, if that is the way you are, but ensure we know that you will roll over and want your tummy tickled by us on our return.

Those are the key grounds which cover the various matters which you need to attend to if you are looking to make us return to you after you have been disengaged from so that your pain and misery is swept away and you can embrace the wonderful new Golden Period Mk 2.

Will those steps detailed above guarantee our return?

No.

You can never ever make us return.

Why?

This impossible outcome, much as you want and long for it, can never be guaranteed to happen for three reasons :-

  1. We are the controllers. We control, you are controlled. You do not tell us what to do, you do not make the decisions for us to obey, you do not bring about a situation because you want it, it happens if and because we want it. You may make the situation more appealing to us, granted, but even so there is never a guaranteed outcome. We must decide if we are to return. It is not even whenwe return, but if. It may never happen and if it happens it is only when we decide and on our terms. Not yours. You cannot compel us to these things. No matter how inviting you make it, no matter how much you place yourself on the sacrificial altar and declare that you will do anything and everything for us, it is not guaranteed to work because we must always have control and that means we must be the decision maker; and
  2. You do not know what else is occurring in our fuel matrix. No matter how well you tempt us with the creation of what you think is an inviting scenario, someone else in our fuel matrix may well be outshining you. If we have a new IPPS and we are in that golden period with them, there is NOTHING you can do to affect that. Our fuel needs may be met by a variety of appliances and therefore there is little need for you. You do not know the extent of our fuel matrix, how it is constituted, who is in it and what roles those people take. You do not know how much fuel is provided, how often and to what potency. You do not know how the character traits are supplied nor the residual benefits and because of this lack of knowledge, you can never have any guarantee that we will return to you.
  3. Our split thinking. If you are painted black, you are painted black and no matter what you do to try to shift that perception, you are not guaranteed to be able to do it. This means that you go can be superlative in your provision of fuel and all else but ultimately it will be scorned because your treachery (as seen by us) obscures and denigrates all that you do. You will remain black until we decide that you are white and whilst you might cause us to regard you as white because of something you do, you should note that

a. That still does not guarantee our return to you because of points 1 and 2 above ; and

b. Your turning white is usually as a consequence of someone else in our fuel matrix turning black and thus you have no control over that happening and when.

Furthermore, you may become painted white but you can soon become black very quickly and you have little control over how that happens.

How can you make the narcissist return to you?

You cannot.

You may want it to happen because you are being blinded by your emotional thinking. I understand that and you can tell me all the reasons why you want it to happen, how it will be different and so forth and I will shoot down each and every reason with ease.

You cannot make us return to you and one day, when the emotional thinking clears and logic prevails you will accept this and say

“I do not want the narcissist to return – because he is a narcissist.”

You will have then begun to seize the power.

35 thoughts on “How To Make the Narcissist Return

  1. Sabrina says:

    This is so great! You sure know what you’re talking about! I was once seduced by an extremely charismatic and sociopathic narcissist- an expert in chaining a woman for all eternity to him, no matter what horrors he would commit later. Only after 12 years of utmost suffering and destruction of my identity under his reign did I gather my last resources to escape his influence and managed to ran away with not much more than a small bundle of clothes in my hands. And even though I am now modestly happy (alone of course) after 5 years of no contact I often dream of those magical first weeks of our fairytale. And if I would be offered to go back in time and go through this once again, I am afraid that I would love to do nothing more than this without thinking twice. I can only pray that he never ever will contact me and really ask me to come back- because I am not sure whether I could resist.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed, I do and welcome to this resource, Sabrina. There is much you can do to ensure that you reduce both the risk of him contacting you and you responding. This material here, in my books and in the Knowledge Vault will enable you to do this.

      1. Emma Shedden says:

        After 6 months of reading everything I possibly could on narcissists, I recently discovered narcsite & HG and I now don’t need any other resources for Narc knowledge, this has an answer/explanation for every quandary/query I had regarding my ex Narc. I have purchased a few of HG’s books & audio files & they have been invaluable to me. I finally feel like I can see a future for me after my life being completely destroyed by the person who just months ago was my rock/soulmate/my everything. It is good to know that others have been here & got through/are getting through the destruction & that gives me hope. Thanks HG & all contributors to this awesome resource of a site, Emma

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Welcome Emma and that is good to read. Your life has not been destroyed, you have found this site and you are moving forward, you may have come close to destruction but you were not destroyed.

          1. Emma Shedden says:

            True! Thanks

        2. theletterafterj says:

          Welcome to the blog Emma Shedden! You will find all your answers here and them some.

          1. zwartbolleke says:

            K,
            can I ask you a question?
            I’m a searching on google with your method for an article, I have tried every possible combination with words together with narcsite but the article seems to have vanished.
            (I lost almost an hour an this, haha)
            What do you do when you don’t find it in google? I have tried the search bar here but that was complete nonsense…

          2. theletterafterj says:

            zwartbolleke
            Just think of it as an hour of practice!

            So, you need to work around it. Can you remember anything about the article, like the picture? Anything at all?
            Even a comment from another blogger or yourself?

          3. theletterafterj says:

            P.S.
            The search bar on narcsite can be tedious.

          4. zwartbolleke says:

            Thank you very much K for reacting!
            well to be honest, I lost the hour because I started reading the articles that showed but that I didn’t search for, pahahaha!!

            I remember vividly the article that I want, it is about Mr Tudor in the boardroom, where he is text flirting (mobile phone)with a manager sat across him while another manager is being important and giving an lecture. The other manager tries to make Mr Tudor look foolish by asking him a question while he is obvious text flirting, Mr Tudor calmly finishes the text and then finishes the manager too!

            I am very certain that is: ‘I want to be adored part 2’, but I can only find the other article (with the school results and Matrinarcs reaction)

            I tried ‘manager’, ‘boardroom’, ‘flirting’ and I don’t remember other words as well

            How do you work finding an article by the picture?
            I rarely read comments from readers, so no that will not help me.
            But mostly I remember titles very well. I don’t understand what happened that I cannot find it…

            So, I have no idea, what other ways can I use?

            The search bar here is a mess K, if you type I want to be adored, you always get the article ‘about’, that 1 always pops up (no matter what you are looking for!), and then everything what you are not searching for, the crazier the earlier. I don’t understand that, what can you do with this search bar? (not really asking for an answer, I use your method, and that is via google, it is mere a sighing!)

          5. HG Tudor says:

            The search bar here uses Relevanssi which was requested by a reader and is regularly recommended as a search function. I have however removed it and replaced it with a different one.

          6. theletterafterj says:

            zwartbolleke
            I am fairly certain you are looking for the triple track article:

            https://narcsite.com/2016/05/27/try-walking-in-my-shoes-part-two/

            Google narcsite Lucy, and watch the magic happen.

          7. theletterafterj says:

            zwartbolleke
            Hahahaha…all is not lost! That is exactly how you learn to search on narcsite. I end up reading the articles and the threads, too, and that is how you find things.

            This is how I find articles, let’s say I read “But Why?” and I need to find a way back to the article, without thinking,
            I use one word (in this case: longevity), or several, to pull it up. The key is to find the word(s) BEFORE you move on.

            Narcsite lady on the train (think: Girl On the Train by Paula Hawkins) pulls up Narc Path one.

            https://narcsite.com/2017/10/04/the-narcissistic-path-part-one-4/

            Foxtrot oscar pulls up Calculation and The Narc.
            Weebles wobble pulls up Tell Me what You Are Thinking a.k.a. the Sophie article.

            https://narcsite.com/2019/09/01/tell-me-what-you-are-thinking-4/

            Thinking is too slow, and, sometimes, that is dangerous.

          8. theletterafterj says:

            zwartbolleke
            If you do an image search, you can find things very quickly.

            Google: narcsite errors of the ignorant, Acons (if you haven’t already, read no-19 You Must Not Tell)
            narcissistic truths or little acons and do an image search and watch the magic happen.

          9. zwartbolleke says:

            “I have however removed it and replaced it with a different one.”

            Ow no, it was not meant as a criticism, please accept my apologies Mr Tudor. It was frustration at WP.
            I do like this new search engine better. But hopefully K will like it equally.

            I have finally found the article… pfieuw, found it on google, it is Try walking in my shoes part 2. I knew I was looking for a ‘part 2’! Found it K, thank you for helping once again!

            Apologies Mr Tudor.

          10. HG Tudor says:

            No need to apologise the other search engine was defective.

          11. theletterafterj says:

            HG
            Yes, it was defective so I had to work around it.

          12. HG Tudor says:

            Can’t say I blame you, it was a law unto itself at times and as we all know, that can only apply to one person here.

          13. theletterafterj says:

            HG
            Hahahaha…true dat!

          14. theletterafterj says:

            zwartbolleke
            Bingo!

        3. FYC says:

          Hi Emma and welcome to the blog. I am very happy to hear you are you are looking to a much brighter future, one you well deserve. Do stay here; you will learn more than imagined. I have been here over 2 years and the learning never stops. I know that feeling when finding KTN (the blog). It’s like finding someone who is reading your mind or knows you personally, your mind, your life and your needs, and then provides all the answers. The longer you stay, the more epiphanies you will experience. I just want to wish you the best and welcome you here too.

          1. Emma Shedden says:

            Thank you FYC x

        4. Violetta says:

          There’s a quote from high-functioning sociopath “Red” Reddington on The Blacklist that applies to survivors of narc abuse. He tells someone who’s suffered a traumatic loss, “every day when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about. Until one day, it will be the second thing.”

          The “one day” comes sooner once you find Narcsite.

          1. NarcAngel says:

            V
            The acting on The Blacklist is cringeworthy but I power through it for Spader. Elizabeth Keen is yet another embarrassing portrayal of what is supposed to be a strong intelligent woman. I prefer and so far identify better with Mr. Caplan.

          2. Violetta says:

            Caplan was awesome. I miss her.

            I think, however, Megan Boone has made a pretty good choice. There’s no way she can match Spader, so instead of chewing the scenery, she’s wisely underplayed it and serves as a foil to his flamboyance.

            If you wanted someone who could hint at the wildness underlying her surface devotion to the law–explain some of the morally questionable things the character has done in terms of her ambiguous ancestry–who should portray her? What actress would you cast?

          3. NarcAngel says:

            V
            In her age range I don’t know top of head, but the way the character is written combined with her acting makes me consider Gwenyth P and her steamed vagina. I’m mean if I’m gonna hate I may as well hate hard.

      2. Narc noob says:

        HG, I found the search engine to work well when I first arrived. Things have got worse over time though, now, like Z says, the *about* section and all unrelated pieces are presented when I look for an article. Am I understanding correctly, use Google as that has a better outcome?

    2. FoolMe1Time says:

      Welcome Sabrina!
      You have come to the right place. Take advantage of all this special place has to offer you! Read or listen to all of HGs work that you can get your hands on, ask question after question, if HG is not available to answer it there are many on here that will help you. Use the knowledge vault, the information he has on there is priceless. Also Sabrina consult with HG, you will never have to worry about going back to your ex ever again! Good luck to you sweetie!

  2. Joy&Love says:

    Amen and amen

  3. MissTasia says:

    I can honestly say I do not ever want my ex-narc back. Of course, I didn’t always feel this way it took me years to get to this point. I used to think I could handle him or change him. It wasn’t until I educated myself and read and or listened to H. G. I realized that simply was not possible. After all that has happened, I am happy to have No Contact for about five months now.
    I am currently reading “Red Flag: 50 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Seduction by H.G. Tudor” to educate myself for any future Narcs that may come my way.
    Thank you H.G. for teaching me to GOSO.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome and thank you for reading.

  4. Crystal speirs says:

    Absolutely what I needed to hear right now. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a man who we have literally broke up at least 200 times. He has exposed all my secrets and all the things I was doing to provide me a sense of control that were actually dishonest and I can clean and I stopped my behavior. In the mists of all my craziness being exposed and humiliated I have gone from Primary source to IPPS to mistress to secret back to primary and all along He never closed any doors on the ex wife, the house cleaner from work the psychiatrist from work all that I have proof that he did have relations with and actually cheated on me with. I was confronted with pure denial with undeniable evidence. I continued to be punished by my past offense that I came clean and. Ever had any new issues arise. But he always had new unforgiving issues arise. Even with women from dating sites! Fuck sites! Anyways all this aside. I refused to give him what he wanted again. And he told me he is going to go fuck a woman he has unblocked today. Hahaha and the saddest part is I feel bad. I am the one that has anxiety because he made me feel like I do not matter again. I hate him. But I love him. I never let my self connect sexually or mentally with anyone before him. And I am done! I am just done. Another sad part. Is Part of me does not really trust that I will not cave again!!

  5. CL-E says:

    Describes the process many of us have to go through, before we really understand, this can never happen??
    Thank you for not pointing out that trying to ‘make’ the narcissist return to us would not actually make us happy anyway.. what kind of love is that to be the one who gives everything? – it’s so much easier and enligtening to read your explanations of the motivation and behaviour of your kind. Thank you, HG Tudor, for putting it the way you do.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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