How The Narcissist Devalues Different Victims

 

HOW-THE-NARCISSIST-DEVALUES-DIFFERENT-VICTIMS

Devaluation.

This period of the narcissistic dynamic is regarded as always being part of the dynamic and understandably the worst part of it. Those who consider it as an ever present part of the dynamic however are over-stating its presence because whether devaluation appears at all and if it does, how it will manifest, depends very much on the nature of the dynamic with our appliances.

Commencing with the Tertiary Source, most of the time our engagements with Tertiary Sources do not include any devaluation. There are two main reasons for this :-

  1. The engagement is brief. We either engage with the Tertiary Source once, for a short time and never again or we engage with them repeatedly but it is only ever brief in nature; and
  2. The needs of the façade mean that engaging with the Tertiary Source in a benign way is the most effective method of proceeding.

It is the case however that Tertiary Sources are devalued. They will be insulted, ignored, triangulated with other superior-ranking sources. This devaluation may be because the Tertiary Source has ignited our fury (for instance a bar tender failing to serve us ahead of someone else) but the devaluation may just occur because we regard it as an expedient response. For instance, we see that it would draw amusement or admiration from our friends (Non Intimate Secondary Sources) if we pour scorn on a homeless person in the street or we insult the waitress in a bar. Neither of these people will have necessarily criticised us but we consider them expendable and by devaluing them we gain negative fuel from them and positive fuel from other sources.

Any devaluation of a Tertiary Source is short in duration. It is a burst of negative fuel but it is not hugely potent (indeed the admiration from the secondary or primary source which it brings about is more potent) when compared to other sources and the quantity of fuel provided is low. This is because the Tertiary Source will not be bound to us and therefore after a period of time of responding in a manner which provides this negative fuel the Tertiary Source more often than not will dis-engage.

The period of devaluation for a Tertiary Source may be less than a minute if they provide negative fuel and then back off. Of course if they continue to engage us and provide Challenge Fuel, we will keep provoking them and also asserting our perceived superiority over them in order to put them in their place. We also of course cannot have some upstart Tertiary source making us look bad in front of other superior sources. We are unlikely to keep ‘pursuing’ the Tertiary Source. Thus, if we upbraid a waiter and he retreats to the kitchen, we are unlikely to follow him and keep the devaluation going. Instead, we take the negative fuel from his angry reaction and let him withdraw. We consider it largely beneath us to keep pressing such an individual. Of course, if the waiter returns to us, we will devalue again and keep doing so for as long as he keeps appearing in front of us.

It is unlikely that the Tertiary Source will be smeared as a consequence of this devaluation because ultimately within our fuel matrix the Tertiary Source is not of significant importance and therefore it is not worth expending the energy and time on smearing them.

We may see this Tertiary Source on another occasion and provoke them again or we may engage with them in a benign fashion. It does not matter to us how we treated them on the previous interaction because of the way we compartmentalise.

In respect of secondary sources, devaluation does occur but if and when it does, it is for a reason which is directly linked to the behaviour of the secondary source.

If someone is a non-intimate secondary source, therefore they are a family member, friend or colleague, they will usually enjoy an elongated golden period. Devaluation of the secondary source will only occur where that individual has sought to expose us, challenge us extensively or has turned off the fuel supply completely. The devaluation will be longer than that of the Tertiary Source because the secondary source will be bound more closely to us. This binding will be as a consequence of the nature of the relationship – the person is in our social circle with other people, they work with us or they are in our family circle – but also because we will have put more effort into binding them to us. Accordingly, the secondary source is less likely to withdraw in the same way that a Tertiary Source would. Instead, the secondary source is more likely to want to try to find out why they are being treated this way, to seek to make amends and to gain our favour once again. Sometimes this devaluation occurs as a consequence of needing to send a signal to other secondary sources that they ought not to cross us so that they realise it is preferable to remain loyal to us than cross us in some way.

The secondary source who is devalued is likely to be smeared by us. We will want other secondary sources of the same circle or ilk to turn against the devalued secondary source and complete their isolation and to ostracise them. We are conscious of the maintenance of the façade and therefore we will look to present a reason for why this secondary source has fallen from favour, is no longer invited, is not welcome at certain gatherings and so forth.

The period of devaluation for a secondary source varies in terms of the actual engagement and the period over which the person is regarded as ‘black’. If the secondary source wants to talk to us to find out why they are treated this way, we will keep devaluing them so this might be a matter of minutes or a couple of hours. If they remain proximate to us and keep providing negative fuel, we will keep devaluing and provoking them. If they retreat and try to engage us on another occasion, they will remain ‘black’ until they do something (or there is an external act) which causes us to regard them as ‘white’ and we welcome them to the fold again. For instance, if the secondary source seeks forgiveness and has a residual benefit we want, we will extend our graciousness to admit them into the relevant circle again. If we see no purpose, other than negative fuel, then they remain painted ‘black’ and they will be dis-engaged from and we will find a replacement for them soon enough.

In some instances the secondary source may dis-engage and have nothing more to do with us, thus a friend never socialises with us, the family member withdraws or the colleague moves workplaces or department. Sometimes they may not have such an option and instead they remain in effect a scapegoat for us, remaining ‘black’ for years and are devalued further each time there is any interaction with us. Thus, every time there is a family gathering they will be subject to contemptuous comments, triangulation or silent treatments. Of course, this long-lasting devaluation may be intermittent as we may only see this secondary source at certain events or places. Similar to the tertiary source we will rarely keep seeking out the secondary source to devalue him or her.

Where the secondary source is of an intimate variety, either an IPSS or DSIPSS, then the dynamic alters. There are two potential forms of devaluation.

The first is used as a corrective measure to bring the IPSS or DSIPSS back into line. Thus devaluation and dis-engagement is not a certainty but instead, if the IPSS or DSIPSS responds favourably to this ‘warning’ then the devaluation will halt and the golden period continues. This is because the IPSS or DSIPSS’s fuel is regarded as still valuable and not stale and devaluation is used because they are not complying as they ought to do. This corrective devaluation brings them back into line and thus the corrective devaluation halts.

The second is where the IPSS or DSIPSS does not respond to the warning and thus their failure and treachery means that he or she must now be punished as we head towards dis-engagement. The devaluation in this instance will be more intense than the corrective devaluation but it will not last for long because either the IPSS or DSIPSS stays out of our way or if they do not, we want to turn to a different IPSS or DSIPSS (or find a new one) and therefore dis-engagement comes along quickly.

Finally there is the IPPS. The Intimate Partner Primary Source is the person who suffers the longest devaluation, the harshest devaluation and is the one which is recognised by most people. This happens because

  1. You promised to be The One. Your failure to live up to our ideals mean you must be punished, we are not going to let you off the hook easily;
  2. Your negative fuel is potent, plentiful and frequent and therefore we want to keep drawing that from you;
  3. This negative fuel also provides contrast and the motivation for our seduction of your potential replacement;
  4. You are bound to us and therefore you are far less likely to withdraw from us. This binding is both emotional and non-emotional. Emotionally it arises because you want to return to the golden period, you want to make everything alright, you are a love devotee and want to have love triumph, you may well be co-dependent, you do not want to admit defeat and you are addicted to us. The non-emotional are matters such as finances, children, house, family pressures and so forth. The combination of these factors means that you cling to us and because you most likely live with us your devaluation occurs each day;
  5. We grant you Respite Periods. This takes place within the umbrella of the Devaluation Period and means that you are given renewed hope (so you stick around) and also it means your potential for becoming numbed and unresponsive is reduced by these periods which allow you to gather some strength again;
  6. The IPPS may be the only person in our fuel matrix who is being devalued and this will usually take place behind closed doors to preserve the façade so there is less likelihood of external interference which will disrupt the devaluation.

The devaluation of the IPPS is the most brutal of all the devaluations of appliances, it continues for the longest, it can be years, even decades in some instances and within this devaluation comes a whole host of manipulations and abuses which cover the emotional, the financial, the sexual and the physical.

17 thoughts on “How The Narcissist Devalues Different Victims

  1. cadavera666 says:

    Is it common to start being devalued not long after meeting the narcissist? As in less than a week? This seems to be the norm for me and the last narcissist I had an encounter with started devaluing me within days by making little derogatory comments. This of course escalated and not quite 3 months later, being completely sick of his crap, I treated him exactly how he was treating me, since he’d told me that he treats others how he wants to be treated. And this of course came with the discard and him being shocked and how dare I treat him like he treats me/treat him like he wants to be treated. He tried to steal from me and I caught him and forced him to face me and this is when he threatened to “kick my ass”. I stood my ground and told him, “I’m right here and not going anywhere.” He got back in his car and this was after he tried to ditch me and I followed him out to his car and he reluctantly handed me the items he tried to steal. Was all of this really necessary? This is what it got him: He’s in a band and a couple of my friends in the “parent” bands of the local scene said they refused to be booked with him in the future. Smh…..and for what? He didn’t even get to keep my phone and flashlight or kick my ass.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on where you sit within the fuel matrix and what is happening in the dynamic. Where you are being seduced as the IPSS, moving to the Candidate IPSS, those derogatory comments are usually instinctive tests to gauge the extent of control however, if you are behaving in a particular manner which is threatening the narcissists control, you may receive Corrective Devaluations. More information is needed to establish the school of narcissist and the factual matrix.

      1. Kim e says:

        HG.
        Where you are being seduced as the IPSS, moving to the Candidate IPSS, those derogatory comments are usually instinctive tests to gauge the extent of control

        Another AHA moment for me…………..Now I know why he did it. Once more question answered.
        Thanks

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

      2. chloeccz says:

        Does denying a narcissist sex delay devaluation? The narcissist in my life dismisses every woman he has sex with, more or less immediately. But he’s kept me hanging on a string for ages. I wonder if it’s bc I refuse to sleep with him.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No.

          1. chloeccz says:

            Thanks. Just to clarify, I didn’t mean I refuse as a manipulation, circs mean it’s something I can’t offer. But it sounds like a clear answer either way so thanks 🙏🏻

      3. cadavera666 says:

        Hi HG,
        corrective devaluation? This is a new term for me, please point me in the right direction so I can educate myself on this. I know, I really need to do a consultation with you on school, etc but here’s my issue: I’ve had so many narcissists in my life for the past 49 years that I’d have a hard time choosing just one. lol, Sad but true. The one I mentioned above is definitely on the lower end of the lower end as in rocks are smarter. He did my first ever smear campaign in March and as of 2 days ago, his comment about me had no likes or other comments. Grateful that they can care less….

        HG, I know I’m always suggesting topics for future posts but one topic came to mind that I haven’t seen you touch on: the narcissist and (bad) karma–why they don’t seem to ever get back what they put out. Thank you!!!!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello CD666, a Corrective Devaluation is addressed in “The Faces of Devaluation” https://narcsite.com/2020/04/07/the-faces-of-devaluation-8/
          With regard to a NDC since you have been involved with so many I would recommend you focus on the one or ones that have a current impact.

          With regard to karma. Easily answered – it does not exist.

        2. WokeAF says:

          There’s a YouTube video called “Getting Away With It” (I believe)

  2. Unrecognizable says:

    Will you please expound on sexual abuses? Is the narcissist apt to desire perversions, such as cuckolding? Degree of porn use? Prefer self-stimulation over intercourse? Ejaculatory difficulties?

      1. BabyEmms says:

        Have ordered the paperback and look forward to reading it as I feel sex is a big part of how the narcissist plays you. Well mine anyway but I’m guessing all do in different ways/methods? And I am desperate to understand why so many of them from what I’ve read and from experience are so “out of this world” in bed and so giving, even in devaluation.

        1. StrongerWendy says:

          ‘I am desperate to understand why so many of them from what I’ve read and from experience are so “out of this world” in bed and so giving, even in devaluation.’

          According to HG, because they have lots and lots and lots of practice…
          (less so physically if cerebral)

          1. HG Tudor says:

            And because it serves the need for control. See Sex and the Narcissist.

          2. StrongerWendy says:

            Yes, control. I highly recommend the book.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you.

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