Victim or Volunteer – Part Three



The Hoover. The ever reliable method of causing you to come to us or to come back to us. As I have written in Black Hole there are several hoovers that we utilise during the engagement with you. I am focusing on the hoovers which take place post-escape (where you manage to get away from us) or post-discard (where we have left you).

What about the hoover which comes when you have been discarded? At this point you have been thrown to one side, often with no warning and left to fathom out what on earth has happened to you. One minute you were the cock of the walk and then suddenly you became a feather duster. You were high on the pedestal and without warning (or at least without any warning which you might detect) you were hurled from that pedestal and down you went.

Now you are sprawled in the dirt, hurting and confused. But wait. Here we come again. We are riding back into town, behaving as if nothing has actually happened. Indeed, this hoover is just like the first one you experienced, the delicious pull of the initial seduction. We are charming, considerate and magnetic and it feels so good doesn’t it? But it gets better. We have apologised for the things we did wrong and we are pledging to make changes, to do things differently, to even go and get some help.

This is music to your ears, just what you hoped would happen as you lay alone in bed, crushed, night after night sobbing in anguished bewilderment. The old us has returned and with it we bring promises of improvement and signs of recognition. This is better than you had hoped for.

Pause for a moment. You know what has happened. You know because you experienced it. Everything was wonderful and then it changed. Not only did it change by virtue of the exciting and marvellous way we treated you vanishing but then we abused you. Of course you will make excuses for this treatment because look, the golden carrot is being dangled again. Of course you will accept some or even all of the blame because look the golden carrot is there and you do not want lose it do you. Who knows, if you step through the archway into the golden period again you might actually get some answers about what has happened. Surely lightning will not strike twice?

We seem different. We seem to be sorry and ready to acknowledge our failings so surely it would only be right to give us another chance, after all, you are a forgiving and empathic individual. You just want this pain to go away and it will by getting back together with us again. You still do not understand what happened but you may get some explanations and even if you do not, will it really matter now that we are together again. Yes, that lure of the golden period is mightily strong, especially when you are feeling so weak, so tried, so wretched. It is entirely understandable, predictable even that you would come back to us with open arms. Do you remain a victim or have you just volunteered?

What then where you have escaped us? You may not know everything about why we did as we did but you understood enough to know that enough was enough and you escaped. You have implemented no contact and sought to keep away from us. You being to wonder whether that seduction was real or not. It certainly seemed real, it felt real. The abuse was definitely real, you know that much and you are damned if you are going to go through that again. You have begun to read and you are starting to understand what has happened. Some pieces of the jigsaw are falling into place.

Yet, here we come with that inviting hoover again but you are going to repel us, you know it is a device to haul you back in to our grip again. You must stay strong, but it is difficult. You do feel lonely and that golden period with us, well it was unlike anything that you have ever known. What if those promises contained in that beautifully written letter are genuine? Surely it could not hurt to try again? Mind you, what if we haven’t changed and it starts again, but perhaps this time that will not happen because you feel that you know what to look out for and you can stop it before it starts. Yes, you have knowledge and you can apply that to protect yourself and also to repair our damage so that we remain happy.

It makes perfect sense. You can engage with us but do so with your eyes wide open this time. You can assert yourself and lay down markers and boundaries, establish that things will be on your terms so you have control within the relationship. That is the plan. You want that golden period (and you do not want anybody else having it) and using what you know you can return but this time operating from a position of strength. Are you a victim now or a volunteer?

What about the fourth time we commence the hoovering. Three times it has ended and three times you have gone back. Everything was wonderful for a period of time, a few months and then it started all over again. The same behaviours, the same manipulations and the same abusive actions.

You cursed yourself for falling for the overtures but you really thought that this time, yes, this time more than the last time or the time before that, you will not fall for the same lines, the same empty promises and the charm. It is hard and you understand this. You have discussed it so many times with your friends and family. You have seen a therapist too and you read about the subject as well, but the attraction it is so strong and there is always that little voice that says to you,

“One more time, this time might be the time that it works.”

That little voice is so powerful.

Perhaps you should succumb to yet another hoover, you would not want the golden period to go to anyone else would you?

Are you now a victim or a volunteer?

35 thoughts on “Victim or Volunteer – Part Three

  1. Alexissmith2016 says:

    Hmmm. Okay. I was thinking again re Ns, this time re religion. So, based on everything you tell us re control if an N believes in god, some may fake it for control now/ facade management etc but some and actually genuinely believe in their god because it gives them some control? I guess the thought of a fuel cessation at death would be difficult for many of them to cope with. It also means they can have some degree f control during life by praying for what they want? And people behaving a certain way towards them because they’re an honourable person etc And so although it can be about facade management only/ as well, for some, it is also about them having control.

    Could this be why some people get angry if ‘god’ lets them down? Because they’re an N? Or could an empath also become angry if they perceive their god has let them down?

    to sum up my questions.

    1. Some Ns genuinely believe in their good because it helps with their control?

    2. If a person all of a sudden loses their faith due to something significantly bad happening in their life, they are also an N who is lacking control?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Correct.
      2. Not necessarily, but usually.

  2. Star says:

    yes empath’s have to see their own part in all of this, i do believe that, if they can’t see their part yet they are still in victim mode. I empower women who have been wiped out from people like you, no offense.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They do not need to be empowered. Women AND men (since narcissism is not gender specific although you seem to have missed that point) require clear information, accurate information and the tools to harness their innate abilities to achieve freedom rather than experience Jane-Come-Lately´s. No offence.

      1. Renarde says:

        Clever response Hg.

        I think that the crimes that my gender commit can be far more insidious than males. One only needs to look at suicide figures to see that.

        Men who live in the society we are now in, and especially in the UK, have had it bred into them that the ‘Stiff Upper Lip’ is God. With disastrous consequences.

    2. Violetta says:


      Funny thing: I’ve never felt like HG blames us, but I think you do. What kind of empowerment is that?

      1. Leolita says:

        Empaths part in what?
        And what exactly is «victim mode»?
        Thank you HG for sharing this example

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You’re welcome

        2. Renarde says:


          My big ex, the UMS-P, used to call me the ‘Professional Victim’. He said this phrase to my then partner, a LV, possibly Upper. Who then started to call me that to my face. Idiot.

    3. Renarde says:


      Capitals are your friend. Try it. You might be suprised!

  3. heloiseandabelarde says:

    OK so perhaps this is also an appropriate time to recommend reading Julia Kristeva on the Abject, in search of the answer to this question…

    1. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Very true. Not surprisingly, my narc kept referring to Kristeva’s concept. Little did I know he was sending clues, albeit unknowingly.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Your final sentence is accurate, SP.

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          Indeed. I know he doesn’t know what he is, though he instinctively may have felt some connection with the theory of abjection.

          1. Lorelei says:

            Sweetest, my ex wasn’t cultured enough to even reference any such material. I was captivated by his arms, not his mind. His arms went flaccid after the wedding because he quit lifting weights. My next beau will be intentionally homely. Irregardless of narcissism—the concept of marrying forever, is so out of reach for me. Imagine, five years in you realize that you are stuck. ?? Fuck that. And their socks litter your washing machine. Holy shit. Narcissists are like a shit stain in your underwear that just linger, but anyone’s socks in my washer will simply not do.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Well, mine is cultivated, has perfect biceps, triceps, obliques… but it’s still a shit stain too.

          3. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Lorelei, maybe you need my washer, where any pair of socks comes out single.

          4. Lorelei says:

            Your washer does that too Sweetest? I’m at an emergency vet because my daughters dog may have eaten a weed brownie and is having neurological symptoms. I am trying to be supportive but I am ready to say enough of this weed bullshit. I have had enough.

          5. Lorelei says:

            Sweetest, did your narcissist object if you used big dictionary words?

          6. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Quite the contrary, Lorelei. He loved to use big dictionary words himself. His word salad was made of eccentric ingredients, it was not just iceberg lettuce. But a salad it was, for sure. Have you read Derrida? If you know about deconstruction you know what a conversation with my narc sounds like.

          7. mommypino says:

            Hello SP or heloiseandabelarde, can you please explain to me a little bit what the concept of Abject is and how it is related to this article. I have never heard of it.

          8. Sweetest Perfection says:

            MP, Julia Kristeva is a literary critic who formulated a concept based on the theory of the uncanny by Freud and of pleasure by Jacques Lacan, with a twist. It would take a very long discussion and a lot of background to get to know to what she proposes. But in a simplistic manner it would be a shock by the loss of the distinction between self and other or subject and object.

          9. mommypino says:

            Thank you SP! I had a feeling it’s something that I have to read for myself. It sounds really interesting judging by your discussion.

          10. Sweetest Perfection says:

            MP, a clue: there are corpses involved 😉

          11. mommypino says:

            Lol it sounds like it would be a good read around Halloween. 🤓

          12. Lorelei says:

            SP—I’ve not read Derrida. I don’t know how to read big words. I read Dick and Jane. Actually I like to read—I have not. Should I? I am keeping a list of to-do books. I have an ADD brain and skim many at a time. I also read reviews of the book as I read or before. I don’t read just anything, same with tv—I haven’t watched it hardly at all in years. If I do I have to really focus. I actually can read medical articles & text book material with ease. I like research. I don’t like working with people who aren’t up on stuff. The MD’s with their PhD’s are often more interesting. Same with nurses. Most master’s & above level nurses are more interested in their work. I have a hard time dating idiots—sex can only get you so far. I want a man that has a mind I can admire. I went out with a guy I met at a bar who needed a calculator to tip. I almost died.

      2. Renarde says:


        Wow wow! I never had heard of Kristeva’s concept before so have just googled it. How fascinating! It’s the reality gap, right?


        This is when the panic attack happens? In which case if it hits the middles does that mean the Lessers have a better integration?

  4. Presque Vu says:

    This is a very very clever article.
    When in the fog, you don’t see it like this, not until you escape and create distance for a long time then BAM!!
    It hits you. 2 times I left him to be hoovered. 3rd done.
    My pride kicked in big time and then I was offski!

  5. Kim e says:

    Neither of the above. I am a Weaponized Empath and he can kiss my ass.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No ass kissing, that’s a breach of no contact!!

      1. WhoCares says:


        1. Leolita says:

          Word, Kim e! Me too. He can only dream of the days he could kiss my ass

      2. Kim e says:

        Damn it.

      3. heloiseandabelarde says:

        Tee hee!

    2. Lorelei says:

      Kim—I’m more weaponized than the test revealed. There were no provisions for co-parenting. I don’t keep doors open to be hoovered and hurt by my ex. He doesn’t bother me. One question referred to having items from the relationship I believe.. Of course I saved pictures for my children. I’m not deleting their history. Not entirely. I’m weaponized enough that I’d in fact, engage. Say he were drowning. I’d pull him out indeed. Just to put his head back under as he started to catch his breath. Only reason—a matter of principle. I didn’t stay out of weakness—-I stayed because of a lack of knowledge as to what was happening (I was also used to crazy behavior), and for the intact family.. I left my first major boyfriend because he was a dick to his kids despite being fabulous to me. I left my first husband after a very short devaluation. It is next to impossible that I’d put up with bullshit now from a romantic engagement beyond a brief discovery phase. I have more problems cutting out toxic non-romantic relationships. I’m getting there.

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