What Causes A Hoover? Part One
There are numerous factors which govern whether we will attempt to hoover you post-escape or post-discard. Some of these factors determine the style of the hoover, whether it will be malign or benign and also how often the attempts will be made. There are several considerations which have a material impact on whether a hoover will occur and one of the most significant ones is the sphere of influence and your relationship to it.
Imagine if you will, me. Now I know you do this often as your guilty little secret but we haven’t got time for that at the moment. Here I am sat at home, or in the office, or walking between bars. Let us take an instance of me being in a bar. What is my sphere of influence? To be accurate there are actually several. They vary in applicability and range. The first is the physically proximate sphere, namely those who are within earshot. That is the closest sphere of influence and unsurprisingly the most dangerous for you. It is within this sphere of influence when the full range of charismatic and magnetic charms can be deployed in order to pull you back into my influence. Anybody who I can speak to or listen to, be sat with, or dine with, stand next to or be near is in this sphere of influence.
The second sphere is the eye line sphere. This is the sphere where I can see you or you can see me. We may be across the street, on the other side of a field, up in an office, walking across a plaza, across from you on the piste. If we can see you or you can see us, then you are in this sphere. I may not be able to communicate with you other than to shout or wave but it remains a sphere of influence. Accordingly, this is why when we seek to hoover somebody we may not be able to speak directly with them but we can position ourselves stood across from your house on the other side of the street or waiting across the square from where you leave work.
The third sphere of influence is our reach through our coterie and our lieutenants. Whether these people are our friends (inner or outer circle), colleagues, minions or family, if they operate as our lieutenants or our coterie they form part of a sphere of influence. If you speak to these people (therefore operate in their first sphere) or they see you or you see them (therefore in the second sphere) you are caught within my third sphere of influence. Rest assured that news of your appearance in the spheres of my lieutenants and my coterie will be relayed to me. This may be in person, by telephone, text or e-mail message, but the news will reach me. This also allows me to send information to you by proxy as my coterie and lieutenants tells you about what I am doing, who I am with and so on and so forth.
The fourth sphere of influence is our reach through the telephone. I do not mean by text messages or FB messenger but actually speaking on the telephone. Whilst we may be thousands of miles from you, unseen and not physically proximate at all, the fact you are speaking to us allows us to extend our reach in an effective way through the use of the telephone. Facetime and Skype and similar applications fall within this sphere as well.
Next there is the fifth sphere of influence which manifests through the sending of text messages, e-mails, letters, notes wrapped around bricks thrown through your window, smoke signals etc. There is no actual speaking to one another. There is no third party involved. There is no physical proximity. This is the fifth sphere.
Finally, there is the sixth sphere of influence which is my mind. You may pop up in my mind for no reason whatsoever. It might be I hear a song which reminds me of you or I walk past where you used to live and I reminded of you. In all other respects I have deleted you from my mind post discard or post escape but then something happens, either triggered by something or just a random recall and there you are, in my mind and in my thoughts and therefore you have entered the sixth sphere of influence.
Following your escape or your discard we will operate all five of these spheres in an attempt to hoover you. Once you appear in any or all of these spheres of influence this will encourage us to effect a hoover (bearing in mind other factors as well which I will detail on a separate occasion). Thus if you have been effecting no contact and then I see you on a bus travelling along the high street, you have entered my second sphere of influence. You have come to my attention. You are on my radar. This may cause me to wave at you and get your attention or run along the road to catch up with the bus and board it so I can bring you into my first sphere. I may be minded then to make efforts to contact you in some other fashion, but the fact you have sailed close to me, appeared in my sphere does two things.
One, it alerts me to you. I may have been distracted with other sources of fuel but you entering my sphere of influence makes you game for a hoover.
Two, it awakens the mixture in you, that addictive quality that we imbue in you through our nefarious seduction of you, which then causes various memories to awaken inside of you, thoughts and feelings which make you vulnerable to our overtures once again.
Thus we will then look to hoover you. We are reminded of you and this calls into mind the potent hoover fuel that is on offer. Secondly you are at a heightened risk of the hoover succeeding because of the effects of the mixture that lurks inside of you, placed there by us some time ago when we seduced you.
Sometimes we seek to draw you into our sphere of influence. If we wait around outside where we know you work, we are trying to draw you into our sphere of influence. More often however it is you that enters our sphere of influence, either deliberately or inadvertently.
For example, you may decide you need to return some of our property and you call round to drop it off. You have entered our first sphere of influence through this act and you will be hoovered. Alternatively, it is late at night and we are on your mind (but you are not on ours) and you cannot help but send a text asking us how we are doing. By doing this you have entered our fifth sphere of influence. Any step or act which brings you to our attention, whether in person, on the ‘phone, through others or through technology is you entering our sphere of influence and triggering a likely hoover.
You of course can influence how many of these spheres of influence operate with regard to you. Stay out of our way and ensure that we do not know where to find you and you will prevent spheres one and two from working. Ensure that you are never mentioned to our friends and that you avoid any contact with those who are our lieutenants and our coterie and you destroy the third sphere. Avoid that temptation to ring us and you destroy the fourth. Ensure you never message us, do not send e-mails or even an application request and the fifth sphere is countered. The only one which you have no influence over is the sixth sphere. You may just pop into our minds from time to time and there is nothing that you can do about that. You should draw some slight comfort however from the fact that post escape and post discard, if you have survived the initial grand hoover then there you will not pop into our minds that often. We will have eradicated you from our mind and be focusing on alternative sources of fuel. There remains a risk of a hoover (that is why we never truly go away) because of this sixth sphere of influence, but the risk is reduced. Liken the spheres to zones which if you stay out of you do not alert us to your presence and do not activate the mixture. Step inside one and you trigger the risk of a hoover for the reasons outlined above. Your aim to ensure that you remain free of post-discard and post-escape hoovers is to know these spheres of influence exist and to stay away from them. Of course we make it harder than you think to do so, but that is a different matter for discussion.
20 thoughts on “What Causes A Hoover? Part One”
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Well, I was hoovered yesterday and it was a whopper! First, let me say, I know I haven’t gone no contact. I don’t want to leave my job. They are very good to me here and for now, I want to stay. Unfortunately that means the hoovers are going to keep coming. I do my best to thwart them.
I actually knew a hoover was imminent. I’m always triangulated with the IPPS on birthdays, valentine’s day & their anniversary. Nothing could have prepared me for this though. I’m sitting in my office and he comes to my door and says, “Is being a narcissist bad?” I nearly fell off my chair, I laughed so hard. He then says, “I’m serious. Are they all evil?” This is when I hate having empathy. For a moment, I thought he was asking for himself. I saw the despair in his face and I felt like I had to reassure him and so I said, “No, they aren’t all evil.” I then ask him, “Why are you asking me this?” He says, “Because I think my wife is one. She has no empathy, she blames me for everything and she’s never wrong. Even when I apologize, she still gets mad at me. I’ve been doing research and she has alot of the characteristics.”
And there it is, he got thought fuel from devaluing his IPPS and proximate fuel from me. Just when I think I’ve heard it all, BAM!
I have to be honest, there’s a piece of me that’s intrigued. Where did this come from? Did his wife call him a narcissist so he decided to do some research? My curiosity sometimes gets the best of me. That’s why I’m here on this blog so I don’t do anything stupid. The wall is up and I just have to be diligent enough to keep the wall up.
I recently escaped my ex a month ago and immediately initiated ‘no contact’. I’ve blocked his email and phone, his family’s email and phone, he’s not on social media but I’ve blocked people that we both know. So now, it’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. The only place he really has left to go if he hoovers, is to my house.This bothers me a lot. (I’m currently not accessible via my work due to COVID)
I speculate he’s sent out one lieutenant recently via a text I received from a friend asking how I was doing. I just replied fine..enjoying the nice weather etc (One of my ex’s only ‘friends’ is an acquaintance of the person who texted me)
I have a child under 10…she sniffed him out as ‘being weird mum’. I’m nervous about him showing up on my doorstep and catching us off guard. He’s very bright but physically vulnerable…low energy.
Any suggestions as to what to do in the moment if we encounter him unexpectedly at our home?
I don’t want to give him one molecule of ANYTHING! I’m trying to mentally prepare myself and child to remain cool. He’s not likely to be violent but he could be nasty. The police are pointless….
Thank you.
A
A99
All I can offer is to let him knock until his knuckles bleed but do not open the door (and close your blinds even if he knows you’ve seen him.
Your best option though is to consult with HG. He can best advise what is likely to happen based on the school and cadre of your narcissist and help you formulate a plan that ensures your safety should things change and it become necessary.
Your daughter has good instincts and you’ve done great so far in protecting both her and yourself. A consult with HG will ensure you have all you need for success.
Take care
Many thanks for this NA. HG has kindly agreed to a Narc Detector consult via Angel assistance.
My current circumstances are kind of atypical due to COVID. I’m a full-time musician and right now I’m not performing at all. As a result I’m at home full-time with my daughter and much easier to access.
I’m hanging in with No Contact, although admittedly I’m on tender hooks….waiting for the shit to hit the fan. I’m repulsed by this person and won’t go back. I believe he now knows this and may try to make life difficult.
xA
It’s tenterhooks not tender hooks, from the textile industry. It was a hook which attaches the cloth which was being dried out to a frame or tenter.
Right HG…thanks for this one too! Never a dull moment 😉
A99,
I do not want to scare you, but you do not know what he is capable of. You do not know this guy. Trust your gut. Make sure the windows of your house is secure, change the locks on the doors, get whatever security system you can afford, even if it is just extra lighting outside of your home.
Thank you Anm. I agree with your suggestions. I have a security system on the house and sensor lights etc. Ugh…I wish I had never met this leech.
At the same time I’m learning more now about myself and NPD than ever. It will eventually all be worth it.
xA
I’m learning more as I read more. It’s a great way of explaining – the 6 spheres and how hoovering can be manifested. I liked the ‘methodology’.
HG, is it possible to be hoovered by a ‘stranger’ narcissist? I knew a man from an online chat room from about 2 years ago, and we had exchanged comments ‘in room’ occasionally but had never PM’d outside the room, never texted. He was a FB ‘friend’ but aside from rarely ‘liking’ a post, we never actually had a conversation about anything.
Out of the blue, he FB called me yesterday. I thought it was a ‘butt dial’ and hung up, but he called again moments later so I answered. What followed was a strikingly bizarre conversation with what could only have been a lower-midrange (if my Tudor goggles were on tight). I let him go on (he seemed to be the only one that was allowed to speak, and almost all of it a cross between bragging and pity-plays) for about an hour then pleaded the need to sleep (he was in Sweden, so the time difference was a dandy excuse) and signed off. I then immediately blocked him from my FB.
It was so very weird, and I immediately wanted to ask you how common that sort of hoover is—I thought, geeze he must be seriously low on fuel to call what amounted to a total stranger, across the world, for the purpose of whinging and bragging.
Do you have an opinion on this HG? Thank you!
If he is a narcissist, Caity, he has hoovered you.You are probably one of many Virtual Tertiary Sources in his fuel matrix.
Thank you, HG. It was just totally bizarre. When it was over I just felt like I’d been emotionally thrown into a dryer and tumbled for the half-hour it went on, and completely spent afterward. Blocking him was more satisfying than I’d thought possible.
Thanks to your teachings, rather than just being confused, I was repulsed. When you know, you go…and in this case…block forever.
I block people now all the time. It’s liberating.
Some troll saying nasty things in the comments section ? Blocked.
Suspected spy for narcs even without hard evidence ? Blocked.
The guy rolling up in my DMs trying to get some?
Blocked.
I also now love the “restricted” feature on FB. So that I can still be “friends”
With certain people but share nothing about my life with them.
‘‘Tis a beautiful thing, to take back some control.
Very true. I also like the feature that keeps my friends from seeing my other ‘friends’. My list is small by some standards but I do it more to protect them, than myself. That way, if I have an unknown narcissist in the list, or the ‘friend’ has someone in their life who is one (and has access to their account) my other friends won’t be easy stalking material.
I take that responsibility gladly. I know what the red flags are, and sometimes an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of warning.
Yes I am also a big fan of blocking my friends list.
Funny enough my narc even mentioned it.. he admitted he tried to spy on my family and friends but couldn’t (or at least not as easily) because he couldn’t access my friends list.
And I’m the stalker ? I think not lol. The guy even admitted to his creepiness 😂
Dearest Empath007,
Yes, it’s very liberating indeed. I deleted everyone and blocked people years ago.
My neighbour ‘friend requested me the other day. I said I have strictly ‘family’ only and don’t have any ‘friends’ on fb and not to take it personally or feel offended
It worked 😂
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
oops…the *hour*. 60 minutes I’ll never get back. Then again, he can have them. Ugh.
If my daughter is still living with him as his primary source, this seems to not be as great as it once was by the way, is she also part of the coterie? I sort of see her that way and don’t say things I don’t want to get back to him. When I was feeling worse last year I would say things purposely with the intent of them getting back to him. Now I barely mentioned him at all. Point being doesn’t she activate him thinking about me every time we see each other, which is every week. She doesn’t leave the house a ton so he probably knows when she’s coming to see me. Also there have been three occasions where he’s given her something to give back to me, although I told him after the divorce that I have taken everything I want from the house.
The IPPS or NIPPS in your situation can form part of The Coterie with regard to other appliances in the fuel matrix.
Yes very interesting