Can I Control the Narcissist?
How often do you want to bring about some outcome with the narcissist? Make the narcissist pick you as the primary source, make the narcissist repay you, have the narcissist see the error of his or her ways, cause them to attend therapy and make good the damage they have caused?
Can you cause these things to actually happen and why are you compelled to achieve this?
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8 thoughts on “Can I Control the Narcissist?”
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That image. Thought provoking. No words needed.
I would not want to control the narcissist, their control belongs to them. As long as an empath has control over their own ET & LT and have the freedom (power) to continue to be who they are and build up on that.
I have friends who I have known years, they don’t have ‘control’ over me, so I have no issues with my friendship with them. At the same time, I would not even call them out for being a narcissist (because they may not even be aware, so it would be unfair to do so). To me, this proves, that it is possible to have narcissists in your life and get on with them, giving them their ‘space’ when they need it.
I’m getting a much better idea of the narcissist’s three assertions of control and so I’m interested to read about the friends you have who you have also pegged as narcisissists, AE. From my understanding the narcissist requires control in every relationship they enter into, even in relation to the most mundane and minute interactions with tertiary sources (and I was stunned to learn even a 30 second positive interaction with a complete stranger – tertiary source – was still considered to be the ‘gifting’ of a golden period). I mean the level of control is to the max, and in my mind unbelievable. In the instance of friendships with narcissists I’m imagining the ‘shelving’ dynamic with regard to this element of control, and that being a NISS means there would be little issue due to an extended golden period. While we may assume we are not being controlled, at least in the narcissist’s mind and from their perspective, we are. Our reality is knowing we can never be controlled, unless we allow that to happen. Completely different perspectives from both.
Most importantly you’ve given us the reminder about not wanting to have control over the narcissist. As you said we deal with what is within our control related to ET and LT, and that way we will continue to have the freedom (power) to be ourselves and build on that. Always good to hear your thoughts, AE x
Ok, you asked – I went to boarding school at 11 years old. Yes, narcissists may need control / fuel – but it does not necessarily mean that friends would need to obtain it from me but they have tried to be in control of a situation until another friend ‘wounded’ them. Having said that – they may not even know about their narcissism yet they may appear to shy away from talking about it. They can ‘use’ but do not abuse me yet not use me in a way that is very greedy or selfish.
I bed to differ – we, empaths can actually be ‘controlled’. Muvver did it to me – as a child, I didn’t know otherwise until I noticed parents of my friends were ‘different’, when in fact it was my mother who was ‘different’ – not the other parents!! Lesser did it to me. Emotional blackmail. Criticising. Verbal, physical abuse. Other methods too.
However, I never turned out to be a bully of others – only became the Co-Dependent that I am. I was born an empath but my childhood “conditioning” determined the type of empathic traits I developed – of which I am blessed to have. Just like a narcissist being ‘conditioned’……
Your last paragraph – much appreciated 🙂 x
Thanks for your response AE. I was looking at it from the angle of the knowledge we have now which is understanding the narcissist’s perspective and how we fit into their dynamic. There will have been a time, and still is in some ways for me, where the narcissist/s had me under their control. Some I spotted, others I didn’t. Now I will be much more aware on all counts in relation to this dynamic. That means I can determine more of the outcome. So while I can’t control them, I can be aware and if escape is necessary then that will be an option, too. I am basing this on HGs work and the benefits of that continue to flow to me.
It seems we are both Co-dependents and at least from my perspective that makes me particularly vulnerable. I will likely always remain so, but am grateful that I’ve fallen on the empathic side of a parental narcissistic dynamic rather than the other way around. I never really thought about which empathic traits I developed in tandem with my circumstances, but I seem to have developed an equal amount of them all. None of them really come out on top. Whatever about that, it is good to be here and feeling like I am in the full light of day x
Agree – like you I seem to be a mixture of traits, some similar yet different. I would have EDC done but do I need to? I suppose with different backgrounds & experiences – the “measurements” (percentages) of each ‘trait” would vary from person to person. Pity not to be able to see data on such as it would be very interesting – I’m someone who likes analytics 😉
HG,
where do I place a narcissist’s behaviour such as not arguing, not reacting to verbal assaults or allegations, not engaging in a vetbal fight whatsoever, only from time to time making minimal, cold but factual statements??
Cold fury. Most likely Mid-Range behaviour, possibly Greater, but not determinative in itself.
1. “Want” the N back. 2. Win mega multi million lottery. 3. Ignore N. 🤣