He Married Her, But Never Married Me. Why?
21 thoughts on “He Married Her, But Never Married Me. Why?”
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Would a narc be able to marry someone only for the reactiin of a 3rd person?
Of course, but they would not do it solely for that purpose, they would do it to control the person they are marrying.
HG, there can also be outside factors, influencing the narcs decision, no?
Like, facade, for social status and appear solid for a job role.
Money from the victim’s family and fuel from the family.
A new mmask.
Envy of attention his brother received from family when marrtiing and getting a child and narc being treated as black sheep because older but not married yet.
Fuel from mother around marriage /wedding, children.
New name.
Possibly, it might be that the image of marriage was unnecessary with one party and then became necessary with the other, but that still leads back to the need for control.
I think a lot of this has to do with our own egos and the natural born need to compete. It’s in our DNA to “fight” for a potential mate. We think there must be something wrong with us should they choose “them” over us, and unfortunately we end up putting the other person down in order to bring ourselves back up. Our ego is the problem.
There are lots of reasons people choose to get married and RARELY at the top of the list is it for love.
As women, if we could stop putting each other down, and believing that we should be the one to “win” we would see that in the case of dealing with a narcissist…. nobody wins.
Empath007
Yes, at the very least we don’t want to be manipulated/triangulated into feeling that we should complete for a guy. Someone we wouldn’t lose a girlfriend over, had we been in less of ET.
In general, though, I feel competing is seen as a bit unhinged behaviour between women, while men are completely allowed to do it all the time, in them it is seen as signs of strength and health.
Oh yes! Agree, agree and thousand times agree! It´s the EGO! I don´t know this particular marriage problem, but as I am high and strong in narcissistc traits, I perfectly hear you!
Why did SHE get this and I did not? I deserve that more! I am better! I am prettier! I am WAY better educated, WAY smarter…bla bla..you name it! That´s the little narc in me.
Yes, agree, but I don’t think the blame (if there is such) belongs to women alone. With narcissists, they enjoy the competition between appliances in their sphere and encourage it to bring more fuel to themselves.
Competition on its face is not bad, and in my opinion shouldn’t be thought as such. But competition bred and grown only to further a narcissists prime aims, *is* bad, for all empaths or normals caught up in it.
I guess what I mean is that competition between women (and men) for a love interest *is* normal, but where it becomes skewed is when a narcissist is involved and instead of showing one is better suited than another for the ‘ person of interest’, one is caught up in trying to destroy the competition (verbally and more rarely physically) because that is what the narc needs to ensure he or she is superior. They expect that level of commitment.
It’s such a fine edge the narcissist dances upon ( competition/destruction), and they do it so easily. I believe that is why we, as empaths, find it so hard to fathom when presented with the twisting of ‘normal competition’. We’re convinced by the lies we so want to believe that we are winning the race, when in reality we are either taking up the baton of a relay–replacing a faltering appliance, or we’re simply an audience member who’s been granted the opportunity to run with no hope to finish in place, but guaranteed to amuse the narcissist calling the game.
The narcissist plays the offside tune. It’s up to us to read the actual notes and realise the song makes no sense in the reality of logical music.
Hi Empath007
“There are lots of reasons people choose to get married and RARELY at the top of the list is it for love.”
Can you tell me more? I didn’t know this.
Hi Whitney,
It’s simply my opinion based on observation. I’m sure there are instances our there of two people who share a genuine love and commitment for one another, ideally (for empaths) a partnership would consist of committent, passion and intimacy. Achieving all three of those with one o person and it’s mutual is difficult enough, but on top of that, long terms commitments over 25 – 50 years go through many ups and downs … changing the dynamics of the relationship, resulting in love taking different forms. And needs adjusting, compromising and changing.
Some people do achieve this. But I think for the most part… a lot of it is based on mainting a facade ( particularly if there’s a narc invloved ).
Reasons to get married ? I’d say for a lot of women it’s simply so they can say… they are married. Since we were young girls it’s been crammed down our throats this is the ultimate goal in life. To be a bride.
Another… to have the wedding. Throw a big party. Because let’s face it, marriage isn’t required to have a commitment. The commitment is between the two people. Marriage is nothing but a binding contract between two people in the interest of protecting assets.
Money, timing, companionship, Religon, pregnancy, control …. all reasons to marry. Most of which have little to do with love.
That’s my cynical opinion 😂 but it is what I think.
I didn’t have a big marriage at all, had a great relationship with him before he turned into the devil (sex was great and frequent too), and before entering dark hole that my life became I loved being married and thought that when you don’t create your own self destructive problems it’s perfectly fine.
Such a good video and so true. My former claimed he took his ex on several holidays to places like Paris and Greece. I found out later he didn’t. He’d never actually been out of the UK until he came to visit me the first time. They were lies. Of course. And used to make me feel unworthy. Bleh.
And as HG explains what he needed to do or not do to keep me a viable appliance…brilliant, and is an ‘ah ha’ moment those who keep asking ‘why?’, need to hear to understand what happened.
Why did my ex remarry her after leaving her (because she was so ‘uncaring, thoughtless, selfish’) yet took over a year to do so once I’d dumped him? Because of pressure from his grown daughter that he needed to ‘shit or get off the pot’, I discovered. He had a facade as a mid-range he needed to maintain, and living with an ex but refusing to remarry her because he liked the feeling of being ‘single’, yet keeping her ‘married’, and unable to take the advantage he enjoyed of being ‘single’, was just not on.
I’m so glad I stumbled upon HG’s blog when I did. He made complete sense of the senseless, and freed me. My ex’s wife will never be, and for that I’m truly sorry. She should have taken advantage of the moment I was conned into believing him when he divorced her for me, and made good her escape. I understand why she didn’t, but I pity her for having been conned long before me, and knowing as I’m sure she does, that he has never been faithful in the past, and likely isn’t now.
I wish she could read just one article regarding mid-range narcissists and actually took it on. Not to hurt him. I care nothing about him. But, to offer her the freedom she really deserves.
Some of us are actually so deep into this web and have small children with a powerful man that having them as husbands is unfortunately the best scenario. This BS about “we deserve someone much better and will find the one” is a big lie. Most people I know are either in a bad relationship or alone. It’s terrible out there, and being a mother of small girls is even harder because to get into a relationship with a new man can have devastating consequences (for boys too). He left me for another woman and rejected me ever since. But never went fully public with her and doesn’t divorce me. It’s been 3 years and she doesn’t even live in the same country as him. I’m pretty ( she’s not), she’s from a poor family and he isn’t, I was always seen as the perfect mother and wife but I think he smeared me so much and I was always beligerante and called him a narc so I don’t think it will ever happen. I’m terrified of him marrying her because she already pinched one of my daughters and I wonder what else will happen. I’m completely alone and shunned from family and friends. Going back to him is my only hope. One he makes sure I don’t have.
Oh, Lory
I empathize so much with your situation, I must say. It sounds like you married one of those men who are seen as a pillar of society, very good image of honesty among people. If I’m not mistaken? It’s really really hard divorcing those. I had to settled with smearing and everything, even from my own family, lots of isolation, in a smaller town . Children 50 %. Those guys can be the absolute worst, covertly bullying just a few people in their lives, giving long golden periods to all others, and social media too.
The only tip I can give for an escape for you and children, is finding good allies to help out. And consultation with HG.
Lory we are here for you to vent, as well.
Just a few quick thoughts from the top of my head ❤️
(This is the only comment I’ve seen so far from you and I apologize if I misunderstood)
Lory
I’m terrified for your children.
I saw this video the other day…….
Q: He married her, but never married me. Why?
A: (to summarise) The quantity and quality of the 3 Prime Aims were better – in the eyes of the narcissist. In the eyes of the non-narcissist, she was not good enough (one that does not know she is involved with a narcissist).
“The quantity and quality of the 3 Prime Aims were better – in the eyes of the narcissist.”
Exactly, Asp Emp. Well concluded. Her relatives might be richer, or have a social network which suits the demands of the narcissist, or the correct education. Anyhow this resulted in her being harder to get or control, emotionally, than I was. So he needed to marry her to gain control.
In another instance/another narc, his ex girlfriend was easier to control, so he married me instead.
“well concluded” – thank you for that. As long as we (especially, empaths) understand that ‘concept’ from a narcissist’s view, we should think of ourselves in a better light – rather than think we are not good enough. Goes to show that this site & the knowledge is paramount to our understanding to our placement in their ‘fuel matrix’. I have friends with narcissism & wouldn’t end relations with them cos of what they are. I don’t need to tell them anything – just not react in an ET way yet remain my ‘control / power’ of myself as an empath. My friends will notice changes ie say “you’re very relaxed, calm” (but what they don’t know is, why – my learning). I’ve not made it a secret about my new knowledge though (not to use against them – but for Me).
I’m not sure I agree with marrying those harder to control. It can also be change to the fuel source dynamics. My ex narc asked me to marry him, and I didn’t. He lost his job, moved back to his home state, and got back with an ex. We lived states away. He’d ask me to go see him and I wouldn’t. We last spoke in Feb and he married in March , all while telling me he still loved and missed me. She found out what he was doing, but married him anyway, claiming she could tame him, claiming she has stronger boundaries. Sometimes the narcissist simply has to reach for the low hanging fruit while their fuel source is low.
Hi Ann, every time I hear they marry those who are easiest to control I get really sad as I don’t like to think of myself this way, though it became true over the course of my marriage. I think some of them like a challenge but that it really boils down to who supplies the prime aims best. And once I figured a few things out, he no longer tolerated my challenging and disengaged promptly, thank goodness.