´Til Death Do Us Disengage



The word ‘discard’ is well-known in the lexicon of the narcissistic world.  Disengage is actually accurate, but I shall use discard here purely for the sake of familiarity.

It forms one of the four cornerstones of the narcissistic embrace. This embrace applies to nearly all appliances and is most common with the Intimate Partner Primary Source. The seduction, the devaluation, the discard (disengage) and the hoover. Discard (disengage) brings with it a sense of finality. The impression that we have extracted everything we can from you and that we are finally done with you. You have served your purpose and we no longer have any use for you. I do not think discard is an accurate description. We certainly toss you aside with no concern for your well-being or emotional state. We suddenly stop communicating with you. You cannot contact us as we vanish, walking off the face of the earth. If you receive some kind of half-baked explanation, then you ought to consider yourself as lucky to receive even that. We are, however, never done with you. The discard as such is a temporary cessation to the dance that you and I engage in.

I have written elsewhere of the main reasons why we discard (disengage) and chief among them is the fact that we have acquired a new toy. You are old, stale and no fun anymore so you are left at the bottom of the toy box as we become infatuated with our new shiny and glittering toy. Of course your discard is not permanent. Once I selected you, you had a role to fulfil for the rest of your life when it comes to me. You have no choice, so far as I am concerned, in respect of this role. I assigned it to you and I regard you as obligated to carry it out forever. I may decide that I require you again for the purposes of triangulation. I may want the new primary source to pump out even more positive fuel because they feel threatened by your re-appearance. Like some corpse, we resurrect you in order to unnerve the new primary source. We will hoover you and tempt you with the prospect of winning our favour once again. When we triangulate you in this fashion you can rest assured that what is being said to you will have been  said in a similar way to the new primary source. We may comment to you: –

“She is just someone to pass the time with, she is nowhere near as special as you are to me.”

Around the same time, we will be telling your replacement primary source,

“Don’t worry about her. She cannot let go. I am not surprised really because I did so much for her, but it is you I want, you are so special, far more than she ever was.”

You are spurred on by such encouragement and double your efforts to please me in the hope of winning me back. The replacement is spurred on by such encouragement and she doubles her efforts to keep me and ensure you prove to be no temptation to me.

We will bring you back if the new prospect turns out to be less effective than we thought. We decide that they need to be consigned to the scrap heap quicker than usual and therefore we will turn to that person we know. You. We know all about you and how you will react and therefore it is far easier to return to you and hoover you than seek someone new again. This has the added benefit that the passage of time will have allowed you to recover from our abuse but also the longing that we imbue in you, when we discard, will continue to gnaw away at you and thus when we decide we have ended the “discard” you are easy to hoover.

We may be utterly delighted with your replacement but decide we will end the “discard” in order to punish you further. At this stage we have no interest in engaging in a romantic and intimate relationship with you again. Your replacement serves that role most effectively. No, we want to punish you. We will hoover you in an unpleasant and savage way, smearing you and parading your replacement around to all and sundry and explaining how wonderful it is to be with someone who truly understands us, loves us and is not abusive as you were.

We may toss you aside and come nowhere near you for weeks, months and even years. We know that the nature of this “discard” is such that no matter how hard you try; you remain vulnerable to being sucked back in. This is because you have not been able to cope with the ever presence we created and your frequent reminders of the golden period. It is also because you want answers, finality and understanding and because we flounced off the face of the earth, you did not get those things and the desire to receive them remains strong even years later.

We do not truly discard you. We push you to one side but you serve many purposes afterwards. You recover so your fuel provision increases again, you are the provider of both positive and negative fuel, dependent on how we hoover you. You are needed for the triangulations we wish to deploy. This cycle of picking you up and putting you down again, as and when suits us, is one that will go on and on until such time as you decide to break the pattern of “discards” and escape instead. Of course when you try to escape us we do not regard this as ending our binding arrangement. You are mis-guided, perhaps listening to the biased voices of others which is affecting your judgement. You, in our minds, do not get to choose when the arrangement ends. All the way through our lives, we will use you and then push you to one side before coming back again at some future point. If you allow us the means of contact by drifting into our sphere of influence again then we will hoover you, because the opportunity is too good to pass up. You are then drawn in, the cycle commences once more and a further “discard” will happen. You can see by the repeated nature of this process that there is no real discard, only a temporary cessation to our entanglement, but one tendril always remains wrapped around, continuing the connection so that we can draw you back in at our choice.

Even if you take steps whereby you expose us for what we are or reveal us to other people who accept what you say, we will withdraw to lick our wounds but this discard is temporary also. We still want your fuel and we want it badly. We also have a desire for revenge. We may not resume matters in a benign method when this happens and instead opt for the malign approach in order to extract fuel, but the entanglement will begin again at some future point.

We put you down but you can always be picked up again. Rest assured that this will happen repeatedly and even if you think the nature of the discard was so harsh, so savage and seemed so final, it was not. We will return, if able and do it all again.

The only true disengagement of our toxic entanglement is when you die. Only then is there finality.

11 thoughts on “´Til Death Do Us Disengage

  1. a_holla says:

    HG! This post is haunting. It is so devastingly accurate. HG, what about when a victim is married? Is that enough for the finality or does that fuel the challenge?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Marriage is not finality.

  2. BC30 says:

    This is one thing I still don’t understand. It’ll have be a topic of conversation for a consult. I mean we throw out broken things. Are Ns just hoarders?

    1. Monica says:

      Yes…hoarders of fuel supplies

    2. Asp Emp says:

      You mention the word ‘hoarders’. That is interesting. In my experience, my view – it is not about ‘hoarding’, it is about having control. It is about having stability. It is about having reassurance. I have watched several episodes of the hoarder programmes in the UK. Now, it seems that people do it because of a ‘lack of control’ – the majority of them had a ‘loss’ (usually a loved one). These people end up with their homes FULL of stuff. What they do not realise (because of lack of awareness / understanding of themselves) that they are trying to fill a ‘hole’ in their life. They do not actually understand their mental or feeling of WHY they are doing it. They may be a narcissist. They may be an empath (with erosion of their empathy, or squashed under their ‘darkness’).

      I was never a ‘hoarder’ to the extreme. However, after my grandmother died, I ended up with a houseful of ‘stuff’. One day, I get a MASSIVE shock (thanks to DWP that STARTED the process to my heart attack – the symptoms presented themselves more obviously at that – thanks for that DWP – fk you) – I instinctively ‘responded’ by removing 33 nails / screws from the wall of my house – the pictures, photographs….. then I started on the rest of the house. It was WITHOUT Logical or Emotional Thinking – it was instinctive. 3 days later, one room was full of ‘stuff’ to go to the recycling centre or charity shops. A number of car trips too.

      When I say ‘instinctive’ – I started to feel ‘suffocated’ with the stuff in the house – maybe it was the impending vascular incident. I did go and see my GP and say something is not right…… I was too young, not overweight……

      No. Hoarding comes as a result of lack of control. Usually without realising the ’emotion’ “box” needed something to fill a gap that was left as a result of a ‘loss’. Yet a narcissist does not have emotional empathy because they lost it at some point from birth to the “Point Zero” of the narcissism ‘kicking in’. Or, sometimes, they are not born with emotional empathy ‘brain wiring’ for it to be effective, at all.

      BTW, I felt better, consciously knowing that my house is ‘minimal’ compared to what it was and I have NO regrets – material things do not mean anything in real terms. In my case, it can be classed as ‘disassociation’. I may be ‘over-sharing’ here. It is about understanding the human psyche.

      1. A Victor says:

        Asp Emp, thank you for sharing. It does help our outlook not to have clutter around us, our health also, it has been tied directly to Alzheimer’s, for example. People who’ve been through what we’ve been through need to take care of ourselves in every way that we can. Your comment is a good reminder and good encouragement.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          AV, I didn’t know about it being connected to Alzheimer’s – yet I can totally understand it. Thank you 🙂

      2. BC30 says:

        You had a heart attack?? OMG are you ok? You’re feeling alright I hope. 💞 You’ve some really great insight. I hadn’t considered narcissists’ “appliance” hoarding as due to lack of control, but you’re right. Material things mean little to me, and I’ve always got to be ready to walk out on a dime with the clothes on my back.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          BC30, Yes (a few years ago) – so you can imagine the mind & emotional FK as a result, never mind the life long abuse on top of that…… at the time, I was ‘ready to let go’ (because of the already state of mind / emotions). I’m glad I survived it all. RE: ‘appliance’ hoarding – learning about other’s experiences can give more insight to why people do what they do. I would have got rid of more ‘stuff’ by now but due to covid & lockdowns…… Thank you for your words BC30 🙂

          1. BC30 says:

            I’m so glad you made it and made it here 💞 with us and HG

          2. Asp Emp says:

            Thank you BC30 x

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