Bringing Down the Shutters
Once we commence our devaluation of one of our victims there is a vast array of manipulative techniques that can be used to fulfil our aim of extracting negative fuel from you. Some of these methods are subtle and may not be noticed by the subject, such as triangulation with an object.
Others are brutal involving the smashing of property and the flailing fists and stomping boots. It is often the case that you do not realise that devaluation has commenced because you have yet to have any familiarity with this word or even with what it signifies. You will notice however a change in our behaviour. One of those changes is akin to us bringing down the shutters whenever we deal with you.
Once upon a time we exited our car and cantered across to where you stood waiting in the doorway as we wrapped our arms around you and embraced you passionately. Our face had lit up and our delight in seeing you appeared genuine enough. This happened each time we came to see you, as if we had not seen you for months on end, even though it was only the day before when we last held you.
Now when we meet you there is no joyful skip towards you, the smile seems forced and there is no light in our eyes anymore. Whereas they once lit up a brilliant blue and sparkled, now they just seem lacklustre and dull, darker than usual. You try to lift our spirits in that indefatigable way of yours. You ask what is wrong and you are always met with an answer of “nothing”.
“Are you sure?” you ask, “you seem unhappy.”
“No there is nothing the matter.”
“You can tell me.”
We realise we must say something but we are pleased by your concern and the fuel that it provides.
“It’s okay. There is nothing wrong.”
“It does not seem like it. Please, tell me what is on your mind.”
Time to step it up a little and extract some further fuel.
“I said there’s nothing wrong,” I snap and pull my hand away from yours. Your face turns from concern to upset and the fuel flows.
This continues as once we used to talk for hours on the ‘phone about all manner of things and laughed and planned, now we still talk for a long time (or rather you seem to do more of the talking this time) as we draw the negative fuel from you. You try to find new topics to keep the conversation going but our responses are limited, our tone flat and then irritable as you try to remain chirpy and upbeat but the sadness and confusion is all too evident in your voice. It needs to be. We need that.
“I just don’t understand, “you protest pleasantly, “you seem so different these days.”
“Really? In what way?”
“It’s like, it is like I am dealing with someone else.”
“Well that’s nonsensical, it is me.”
“Yes I know that but you are not the same.”
“Of course I am the same, you are imagining things.”
“No I am not. You don’t seem to be into me as much as you once were.”
“I am, it is just, you know, I have a lot going on at present.”
“I understand that but it is more than that. It is like I am talking to a different person. You don’t seem to connect with me the way you used to.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“How can I put it? It’s like you have made a conscious decision to distance yourself from me and you do not say the things you used to. You always used to sign off your texts with three kisses and now it is only one.”
“You are concerned about how many kisses I put on my texts?” I ask in disbelief.
“No, well yes, well it is not that. That is just a symptom of something else. It concerns me because I love you so much. It is like you have brought down the shutters and put up barriers when we are together. There is a distance between us that wasn’t once there.”
“I haven’t noticed it.” (Of course I have. I know precisely what you are talking about.)
You then spend many minutes trying to convey this sense of distance and alienation as I listen. I am not hearing the words that you say, nor do I pay attention to the explanation, I am too engaged focussing on the hurt in your voice, the frustration and the exasperation as I suck the fuel from your sentences.
This technique is subtle. It is easy to implement and enables us to draw negative fuel from you without you realising what we are doing. It is often the beginning of the devaluation period when the simple cessation of the golden behaviour produces in itself a reaction which provides fuel. We do not need to shock you, we do not need to shout or yell, there is no need to lead you on a confusing and merry dance with our denials and deflections. The simple act of pulling up the drawbridge and no longer allowing you access to the wonderful part of us, illusion that it is, remains highly effective.
“I just feel like you bring the shutters down and I am dealing with somebody different. You are not the HG I know and love. You are someone else.”
Time to throw you a little lifeline to give you hope.
“I’m sorry, I think sometimes when I am under pressure I withdraw into myself. My friends have commented on it previously. It is just something that happens. I think that is what you are referring to. It doesn’t mean that I love you any less. Just last night I was staring at the chair where you usually sit wishing you were there opposite me talking to me.”
That should do it.
“There you see, that is the HG I know, back in an instant. I wish I had been sat in that chair too, I missed you so much last night.”
It really is so easy.
5 thoughts on “Bringing Down the Shutters”
“I think sometimes when I am under pressure I withdraw into myself”
This is exactly what I have instinctively done for years. There was no real ‘conscious’ thought to it. It would happen when I was ‘overwhelmed’, stressed / depressed – due to a number of ‘mitigating’ factors, especially in relation to things that were not within my ‘control’ ie work-place narcissists appearing to ‘gang’ up on me. Or, when I ‘sensed’ the ‘energy’ around me, where didn’t feel comfortable being around those that were ‘emitting’ bad energy. That is what I felt about two work-places, where there were narcissists!
So, effectively, I was ‘bringing down the shutters’ by consciously calling in sick (not that I did it often) and the last time I was signed off work with stress was over 10 years ago – where I ‘sensed’ the bad energy. I joined a Trade Union around that time and used them against the narcissists at work.
The learning I have done in the past year has taught me so much about myself, to not ignore my intuition in the future and consciously ask myself, why is my ‘alarm bell’ ringing. There are very few people where I do not sense this ‘warning’ when I am within my own ‘sanctuary’ (home).
I missed him being with him …
Ow snap! It was so! It was like that in 100% …
Now also the same pattern, only on the basis of a friendly, not romantic relationship.
Why doesn’t it put me off, it just brings me closer?
I missed that asshole again 😊
Dear Mr Tudor,
It’s just as brutal when you’re their friend.
It’s easier to just leave them in their ‘man cave’ until their ready to come out of it …..don’t engage!
Thank goodness I longer deal with that ‘weasel’ nonsense
So true, thank you
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
This article confused me when I first read it months ago. Then when it came around in the Spring it made a bit more sense. Now it is very clear, I can remember this, not identically, which is what confused me months ago, but now I see how my ex did it. And not only once but going from a respite to devaluation sometimes also. It was confusing for me and effective for him. Wasted energy and emotion on my part. Sometimes when the articles make sense in a delayed fashion like this it can make me a bit sad, like I don’t want to see more of the dynamic that was so hurtful. Thankfully the sadness is usually short-lived and I come away with a new piece of the enormous puzzle in place.