Absolute Power
I crave power. I want it more than anything else. It is the product of requiring all attention to be directed at me and upon me. The sensation of impregnability and might is epic in its effect. I want power. I want it over others and most of all I want it over you. The degree by which I shall pursue power is only limited by what I believe I can get away with. I take the view that owing to my special status I am above rules, codes of conduct, conventions, procedures and laws. Since I find myself unshackled by these hindrances, I am free to pursue my quest for the attainment of power with utter and total conviction. What I require is complete and total hegemonic domination. Hitler ? His invasions were Sunday afternoon walks in the park? Stalin ? He exercised plenty of power but where did it really get him? Genghis Khan? He showed promise. My single-minded focus goes beyond those men and is a never-ending mission to obtain power.
This power is best obtained when you are prevented from defending yourself. Yes, I want you to bend over and take it and thank me for it afterwards. You are not allowed to protest. You are not allowed to demur ,complain or heaven forfend put up and kind of fight. I want you disarmed and defenceless. That’s why I embark on such a savage campaign when I devalue you, that you end up completely confused and disorientated. I want you swaying, punch-drunk and eyes glazed, urging me to put you out of your misery. Once I have reduced to this state I know I can do as I please and that I have attained absolute power over you. Then the next victim will loom in my sights…….
3 thoughts on “Absolute Power”
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I just started reading for educational purposes. I find your posts alternately chilling and amusing.
This post about power makes me want to laugh. How ironic that you seek to control your victims through a vast skill set of tricks, lies, manipulation, etc. and yet you have no power over yourself.
Do you want to know how I finally freed myself from my narc? First of all, it was by coming to the realization and acceptance that he would never change. However, I am capable of change and growth. I couldn’t control or change him though I tried (admitted codependent here) but I could change my own behavior and thought patterns as well as remove myself from the situation and go no contact. I didn’t realize then that he’s a narc but it proved to be the correct decision. It’s been almost a year.
You continue the same song and dance with each new victim. You repeat the same patterns of behavior and the cycle of abuse. Over and over again. As much as power and control as you might obtain over your victims, you are powerless against your disorder. You are incapable of not doing these things. You are incapable of change and growth as a human being.
Ironically, my narc moved his newest victim in a month after I left though he had her waiting in the wings long before along with other women. His newest victim is almost my clone. And all the things he did with me at the beginning of our relationship he’s doing with her.
Since I’m reading towards the beginning of your blog and working my way forward perhaps I haven’t gotten to the part where you have learned anything from this. So, have you? I know you’re only getting treatment because you don’t want to lose your inheritance. And that you’re humoring and placating the good doctors. Have you learned anything about yourself as a human being and changed in any positive ways that have had a positive impact in your life or the lives of those around you, especially those you have close personal relationships with?
If not, while you have certainly provided an educational resource for the general public and your doctors (and entertainment as well), your treatment will have been for naught and you will still be controlled by your disorder. We survivors can overcome, grow, and change but you will always be…you. A hostage to your disorder. Incapable of being anything or anyone else. For that, I almost pity you if not for your victims.
One of the first power plays my ex-narc employed was telling me that asking him questions was unbelievably painful for him (I’m naturally inquisitive and tried to figure him out – danger zone for him!). Thus, he mandated for 30 days I was not allowed to ask him a question. Not even “how are you”. If I needed information from him, I had to be creative and directive. This was terribly hard the first few days (you naturally say, “what?” and “really?” more than you think!). I’d slip up and he’d act as though I just punched him in the gut. I got it down to a science though. Despite the emotionally abusive nature of this demand, it forced me to think in new ways. I know that may be an odd thing to say but deep down, I savored the challenge.
That is rather spectacular conditioning and brainwashing. As we have acknowledged, you liked the challenge and he knew you would, hence he was able to engage in the fiercest and most demanding behaviours knowing full well you would rise to meet them rather than crumble. He had you worked out from day one.