The Futility of Your Feeling

Feelings are an unnecessary burden and thankfully I have been relieved of many of them, being left only with those which are deemed necessary to enable me to pursue the harvesting of fuel. Feelings blur and weaken. How many times have you heard your alarm go off in the morning and you have rolled over feeling like you do not want to get up? Many times I should imagine. That feeling of apprehension about what the day holds for you, despondency at what has happened to you and dread about what you have to do weakens you and holds you back. You spend much of your life in the pursuit of this notion of happiness but are you ever truly happy? Do you look at what you have and wish you had more? Do you look at other people around you and imagine how happy they must be and you wish that you were more like them? All you achieve is bitterness. Perhaps you do feel happy but as the empath that you are you see those who you regard as less happy than you and you wish that they could be more like you. All you achieve is vanity. You spend so much of your time seeking to be happy and then you worry about whether it is fleeting in nature. You express concern that you just want to be happy and spend more and more time trying to achieve this state of nirvana. You suffer from feeling sadness which leads to paralysis and indecision. You feel frustrated which sucks up your energy and leaves you feeling spent. You take pride in your ability to feel and to be able to feel on behalf of others yet all you are doing is allowing yourself to be burdened. Why bother pursuing those feelings which are regarded as positive, such as joy, happiness and elation? Is the effort truly worth it when you get there only for it to be a fleeting moment which then casts you into despondency? What was the point of that? Why allow yourself to be mired in upset, misery and dejection? You achieve nothing as you slowly sink into a quagmire of such negativity. Your feelings deceive you, press down on you and above all else allow us to manipulate you. It is because you feel this array of emotions that you provide us with emotional reactions. Of course you know that these emotional reactions create my fuel. Your feelings are to blame.

I never acquired these feelings. This is because the pursuit of fuel cannot be distracted by these cumbersome emotions. They serve no purpose and thus were never developed. I am built for the acquisition of fuel and nothing else. I am an efficient design, single-minded and driven. All excess baggage was not jettisoned, it was never stowed on board to begin with. I am not wholly without feelings. I have been developed in a way to allow certain feelings, those that aid my purpose, to come to the fore. I feel fury which ensures that I can exert control over other people and thus extract fuel from them. I feel envy which drives me on to strip away those traits from other people which I need to create my construct. If I felt no envy, I would not want these characteristics – thus this feeling serves a purpose. There is no superfluous feeling connected with me. I feel jealousy which again causes me to strive to better that person by lauding my own achievements and prompting a reaction which garners positive fuel or by berating the person of whom I am jealous and thus I harvest negative fuel. I feel hatred. This allows me to see everything as it truly is. Hatred hones and brings into sharp focus the reality of this cruel world and thus I am better able to navigate my way through it. Hatred is visceral, it is not fluffy or amorphous. It does not cloud or blur. It is direct, straight to the point and electrifying in its capacity to allow me to always go forward. All of these feelings and ones of a similar nature have been fashioned around me to assist me in my quest for fuel. Each one discharges a method of enabling me to gather fuel so that I can feel the ultimate emotion. My pursuit of fuel is predicated on the use of these various emotions with the sole purpose of allowing me to feel that emotion which I prize above all others.

I feel powerful.

I am powerful.

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84 thoughts on “The Futility of Your Feeling”

  1. Very well written! You give a clear insight into your mind here and it is fascinating. But, I still hold a glimmer of hope for you that you will one day feel true love, and joy. Why? Cause I have felt those things and it was the most wonderful sensation and I would not want anyone here on Earth to miss out on that! Happy Holidays!💜

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      1. Haha, you’re funny as always.☺ The good thing is that I have given up all hope about my narcissist in real life! Yay me😊, he will continue to be who he is and I don’t feel much love for him any longer… only the healing work on myself left, and processing the grief.. But for you, I still do have hope, since you have so much insight into yourself. If you ever truly fall in love and feel deep joy, I hope you will write about that😉🎄🎁

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      2. You don’t feel much love for him, but still some? That shard may be buried deep inside you but it is there. Yes, I have insight and have through recent work gained more. If it happens, unlikely as it is I will of course write about it for you.

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      3. That’s a really interesting question, my love used to be “110%”, but through the years of mistreatment, it has gone down to about 0.5 %, I’d say. The shard that remains is only for the wounded child inside him (that I have seen at several occasions). But I do not wish to see him or have him in my life anymore. I look forward to that blog post of yours, I feel quite certain it will come one day. 😉🙋

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      4. Uhm.. I think the window has actually closed. I feel more confident now! You know why, cause he just last night sent me about 8-10 very short e-mails, (he creates new e-mail accounts to bypass my blocking of his original e-mail account). He played the pity ploy and everything. And I didn’t even once feel the urge to reply to any of it. Yay me, right?😉 👍There’s some hope for this empath. By the way, have you ever considered being a writer full time? (I’ve understood you’re in some other line of work). Cheers ⛄

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      5. Seems to me like you have seized the power and your narc needs to up the ante. Yay you indeed ! I would like to write full time – perhaps if you and others would be good enough to spread the word far and wide that may yet happen ! Yes I have another line of work but I do like to write, one can reach more people .

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      6. I have indeed seized the power and am enjoying it, (look at that, some small similarity to you, after all😉). But I do feel quite nervous about how he will up the ante.. it is inconceivable to him that I will not reply (how dare I ignore him!). So I do wonder what sort of tricks he will use when he understands how strong my resolve is this time..😯 🙅
        Yes, I have a future blog post in mind where I will mention good literature/blog posts, your name will be in there. 📣☺

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      7. I mention some of these in Escape in the chapter dealing with no contact. I will also be going into this in a lot of detail in No Contact which I am working on at the moment. Thank you in anticipation of the mention.

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      8. Hello,
        I would just like to say I’m on my fourth book by HG and each have been crucial in my progress. I’m currently reading The Narcissists Co- Dependant and its so painfully true. I recommend it anybody wanting to break this cycle we are in. Be prepared to do lots of work on yourself and shed lots of tears.
        Write full time HG? Would you please? You should also offer skype sessions!
        Keep writing Hg

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      9. Hello V, thank you that is appreciated. I have plenty of works in the pipeline. I am actively working on four books at present with a further nine sketched out. I am open to suggestions as well. I am also in the embryonic stages of something more interactive as well so watch this space.

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  2. Hmmmmm….this article is so interesting HG…kind of sent a shiver down my spine but also, dare i say it?…a sadness for you.

    When someone dares to challenge your ‘power’, when they dare to take back control, when they have tapped into your fragile ego what do you want to do to them? Does that make you feel some anxiety? Impotent? Even briefly? I can imagine that you would want to punish such a person. Humiliate them, denigrate them, start a smear campaign against them…This only makes me think you do feel emotions that in your opinion are weak…you can’t bear to feel such emotions so they quickly change to hatred and fury…

    Feelings are what make us human…compassionate…kind…why are you so scared of these emotions?

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    1. If someone challenges my power they invariably reduce or even cut off my fuel. If this happens and I cannot find a replacement I feel weakened and the creature that lurks beneath may try and escape. I must get fresh fuel and I will lash out at the person who has dared to defy me in the ways you have describe. I am not scared of the emotions that you describe, I have no use for them as they do not provide me with what I need.

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      1. Are you not even curious to feel…to really feel? Give it a go…you might like it. I know such emotions don’t suit your purpose but surely you should try something once in your life.

        So…what or who is the creature that lurks beneath? Why try and prevent it escaping?

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      2. Why feel something which serves no purpose for me? Why try and feel something when I know I cannot? I cannot waste any energy when there is fuel to be gathered. As to what lurks beneath may I direct you to read the blogpost Try Walking in My Shoes (if you have not already read it) and also the book Fuel. These will give you a comprehensive answer to your two questions.

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      3. Have Dr. E and Dr. O ever suggested hypnosis as a way to communicate with the creature? To possibly integrate with your whole construct? I had read another reader asked what the creature says to you. When the law of diminishing returns happens with a victim, even someone as sweet as Caroline or Karen, is it actually the creature projecting that you are the one becoming too complacent or vanilla or boring for them causing you to react by starting the discard?

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      4. Hi Clarece, they have not suggested hypnosis and that is not something I would be willing to submit to. Interesting point you make about whether it is the creature projecting. The creature certainly seeks to do me down but there is no way I am complacent or boring. As for vanilla, I am a five scoop flavour explosion. With strawberry sauce. A chocolate flake. And nuts.

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      5. So you have veering in your ice cream metaphor apart from the critical coloured sprinkles that give it colour and crunch 😔

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      6. That would be difficult surely if you’ve already consumed them. Don’t you want shiny and new ??
        Don’t disappoint me HG 😊😊

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      7. Really HG ??

        Well I see a challenge coming my way then. I’m going to make sure I’m ready for action ( well no contact and blanking him)
        He’s not welcome in my life anymore. The person I loved was a dream I can keep that as a dream. However I know exactly what he is now and I’ll be fooled no more. He can thank you for making me strong 😊😊😊

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      8. Freedom yes Agree HG is the best writer about the subject and this the best blog.
        He is pretty
        I mean pretty awesome!!!

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      9. The creature may not be trying to tear you down. That may just be your cognitive interpretation. It could be the link to your conscience, where all of your actions with their ramifications are weighed. If I was your family, I would insist on hypnosis as a course of treatment for the inheritance. From the latest blogs, it would appear your sessions with Dr. E and Dr. O are now at an impasse. You have acknowledged what you are, identified what motivates you (addiction to power) and you refuse to consider any alternative to a different way of life in how you would conduct your relationships. You simply aren’t interested. What else can the doctors do with you at this point?

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      10. Isn’t the answer here the same as any other addict the want to change has to come from within the addict. Unfortunately from what I see if narcissists they don’t wish or care to change they are quite happy ( if that’s possible) to carry on as they are. But I suspect as with many other addictions they may wish to change when it’s TOO LATE!.
        They have to then accept the fait accompli.

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      11. You’re absolutely right Freedom.

        In my opinion change starts with the individual, to be motivated to want to be different. But the problem with narcissists is that to them, there is nothing wrong with them and their behaviour or the pain they cause. So why change? Why bother changing a behaviour that has so ‘sweetly’ been reinforced and thus works! I really get it! Narcissists like HG and like those who are incredibly malignant and violent, see no need to alter their behaviour. It’s so clear to them that they have every right to be entitled; superior beyond others and more than anything they see what they do as purposeful. But even when there is recognition that they are hurting others, this is still not enough to want to change.

        I do think for some, and HG this may or may not be how you feel but in my experience there is a fear to change as they believe that this will render them weak…whatever that may mean for them. Moreover their behaviour is largely the result of some horrible, probably persistent, experiences which has shaped their world view that people will let you down and the world is a cruel mean place. The only people they can rely on is themselves. It’s sad but makes sense…but that still doesn’t make their behaviour ok…

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      12. This is not a slight on you HG but do your kind never ever realise that you let us down to. I say this as you don’t keep up your image up to us and that disappoints as you’re not real
        Two sides to every coin.

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      13. I see it more as a what came first the chicken or the egg kind of situation. Your kind claim we let you down. I claim if I let you down its because you changed !

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      14. HG has there ever been an exception to your beliefs about people letting you down?

        Has there ever been a time when you admitted fault?

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  3. You have the power HG that’s for sure.

    I used to find it impossible to understand why people felt jealousy it was just something I’d never felt. I’ve never looked to what others have not ever, I looked at what I had and sometimes may have been dissatisfied but mostly not. But in lots of ways I’m quite easily pleased, in some ways I require a bit more, maybe a lot more excitement. But being the person I am, that’s quite easy to attain when I want to.

    But once I’d fallen for the N, he invoked intense feelings of jealousy in me. I’d never ever ever felt these types of feelings before. It was powerful.

    and not down thing I ever want to feel again, but I’m back to baseline.

    I had always wondered why some people had been so intent on trying to compete with me ? All my life ? I never tried to compete, but some people would always try and compete with me be it buy a better car just after I’d bought one, even though they were far wealthier than me and they had nothing to prove in the first place or compete by trying to complete a better piece of work than me, when they might be my manager and higher up than me? None of this made any sense ?

    But it does now. Thanks HG

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    1. You are welcome. Once you see how we think and behave (even though it is outside of the way your world works) you will start to understand why certain people do what they do. Beforehand, none of it made sense because you would evaluate their behaviour through your world lens. Do it through ours and it makes sense. You will still disapprove of it but it finally adds up.

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      1. It does make sense now, and of course I disapprove but I don’t hate you or my N. I just don’t have the capacity to feel that way. I do in fact have a great deal of sympathy for you, I can’t imagine living like that. But I have far more sympathy for yours and any other N’s victims though.

        But for me personally I’m actually extremely grateful for the experience.

        It’s like when you look at those 2d images which if you stare at for long enough they become a 3D image. It took me a very long time to be able to do that but once you’ve done it the first time, you see others quicker and quicker.

        It’s given me a wholw new lease of life and I’m quite literally fascinates by the subject.

        The wannabe N completely fascinated me because he showed N signs and gave away some ‘tells’. But some things were not quite ‘tick box’. So I was unsure whether he was an N or a flying monkey ? So I did lots of little things to test him to draw my final conclusion.

        I’m addicted I think, but in a totally different way and completely detached from any feelings.

        And when anyone is nasty to me or tries to change others views of me through any smearing. I completely rationalise it all now. They may be able to change others perception of me, but they can’t at all change how I feel about myself. I’m solid no matter what 🙂

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  4. Why was it that with “my” narcissist, he found fault with the fact that I “shut up” yet when I stood up and “roared” I was dubbed “clearly insane?” His WTC would punish him if he talked to me or his children…is that not “shutting up?” I guess the difference is he tended to gravitate toward trash.

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    1. He found fault with anything and everything you did for two reasons. Firstly to create an altered reality where you did not know whether you were coming and going. This kept you paralysed, weakened and confused so you would not go anywhere and thus be susceptible to other forms of manipulation. Secondly, by always categorising what you did as wrong he would aim to provoke and emotional reaction from you so you have give him fuel. Yesterday he liked the cup of tea you made him, today he hates it even though it is the same. Viewed through your world lens it makes no sense. Viewed through ours and it makes perfect sense.

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      1. How do you get revenge against these narcissists? Why do they get to stroll down the street with their WTCs and live happily ever after, not giving a shit about the path of destruction they have left behind?

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      2. With regard to the revenge point, I will be revealing that in my forthcoming book on the subject. It will be available in January. As to your second questions, we do because we do not care as we are too focussed on gathering fuel to be concerned about what we have done. We are entitled to do as we please. It has to be like that otherwise we cannot gather the fuel.

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      3. I sometimes wonder if this is why my narc discarded me. I think I might be something close to a super empath, but I’ve had some unique life experiences that have led to me being impossible to mislead anymore. I am an expert and relentless fact checker, because my life literally depended on it. I learned I am right while the experts are wrong, and because I check my facts, I’m rarely wrong now. I’ve learned the hard way you can’t trust anyone else’s opinion when your gut won’t shut up. Keep a paper trail (electronic if need be) and retrace your steps. Test hypotheses. State your truth calmly and clearly and never back down when you know you’re right.

        So when he tried to pull that smoke and mirrors nonsense I swerved and redirected, and he’d always sit there confused for a minute. Shutting me out again usually happened within a day, although the periods kept lengthening because I learned his lead ins to shutting me out and avoided those too.

        I wonder if he was initially attracted to the ghost of old empath, and subsequently repelled by… remodeled empath?

        An empath who combats trickery with facts and stays calm and pleasant is pretty much worse than useless, especially to a lesser/mid-range with a serious victim mentality.

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  5. Are we not the powerful ones if we are the source of your fuel? If we do not give you the emotional reaction you don’t get the fuel. That must hurt?

    I recalled the narcissist smile in my face when I became tearful. Do you simply not care? At all? ..no matter how horrible the person is I just can’t seem to muster up hatred, even when you are made to feel amazing one day then completely ignored the next…it is so cruel. But for you seeing someone in pain is simply fuel.

    I’m intrigued that hatred for you is ‘visceral’…I imagine it coursing through your veins…that word ‘visceral’ describes so intensely the feelings that were evoked within me…such powerful emotions that I had never felt before. To know that a look can make or break a day!

    You’re writings are so clear. I see it. I can stand back and everything you write is crystal clear. You are the world’s greatest puppeteer and we get played every moment.

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    1. I see what you are trying to do. You are not powerful in providing us with our source of fuel because that is a natural reaction for you. You do it instinctively and we just press the button more and more often. The power lies in denying us fuel. Many victims never realise they hold this power, at least not until it is too late and even then they struggle to wield it. Does it hurt when I don’t get fuel? No. It is the diminution in my power that hurts because that means the creature is encouraged to try and escape.
      It is not how you feel but how you make us feel. We are not interested in what you are feeling. We do not have the capacity nor the time to deal with that. All we want is your reaction.
      Absolutely right, it courses through my veins. Read Fury which will be available soon and you will learn more about what surges and flows throughout me.
      Thank you for the compliment and I m sure you won’t mind if I pull your strings for a while longer will you?!

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      1. That’s BS…we are powerful, a lot of us eventually learn what powers we hold in regards to y’all. The game can be played both ways. We learn what Y’ALL need to be pleased with us and keep getting the love bombing we desire. Yes in the end we lose BUT not if we cut the cord first. I am aware that I do sound like a narc. I assure you I am far from it BUT I too can turn off my emotions temporarily (for an individual) if it is draining me too deeply. I am not saying that I have the power to completely walk away and never look back but eventually it will come to that.

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      2. Malignnarc….is it not all a game? You play it for the fuel you need and we play it because we are enraptured with the love/hurt y’all give BUT we think we can be the ones to heal your wounds….after all, you all seem to have a back story of pain and thus you have become this way. The question is…who is better at this game…

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  6. I had my get together w my N yesterday( remember he’s been mostly passively silent now since sat) after coming in w huge love bombing and being gone for 5 months. Yesterday he said to me,” guys don’t talk about emotions or feelings” he’s said it many times before, he seemed so hollow as he said it. He was horrible yesterday and I took Escape’s advice and don’t not react once, not once. It’s time for me to get the hell away from him now, I cannot take any more abuse and I don’t want to, I no longer care about Xmas plans, I know he’s just going to hurt me more, he is no doubt devaluing me and it’s so obvious. My question How do I do this in a way he couldn’t possibly turn around on me? Whay is the best way to proceed? As of right now I’ve been nothing but non reactive, he’s had all the reigns and I’ve acted unaffected by it all.

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    1. Thanks for the update on your current position. You have recognised what you have encountered and now you are doing absolutely the correct thing in maintaining a lack of reaction. We hate that. He will find different fuel since you will not be providing any. He will of course look to hoover you in order to garner more fuel and you need to ensure you keep up your defences to reduce his opportunities to hoover and when he does you need to ensure they are unproductive for him. How close do you live to him? Work to him etc? Do you share friendship groups?

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    1. Hello Lindsay, it is what lurks beneath and not something I often like to contemplate. I expand on this in the blogpost Try Walking in My Shoes and in greater detail in the book Fuel.

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  7. Hey blue eyes
    Does the interactive plan involve being able to see what blue color your eyes are 😝.
    Besides of that I dont agree with this post. Im looking always to be happy and have fun interactimg with others but mainly with nature, traveling, scuba diving, the blue ocean, friends, meeting people, adcenture parks, sunsets, snowboarding, concerts… Why should I end up bitter?? Im never bitter…
    My heart had been severely broken by your kind though but that did not make me bitter neither…
    Also I dont agree that we praise feeling through and for others… I have this strongly and I dont like it. I dont like to feel the sadness or the fear or even the hate of others.., this had made me kind of sometimes a solitary person depending in the environemnt I am.
    And HG feeling happiness and love is very much worth, its the same adrenaline your fuel gives you and allows you to have a construct to disable the feelings of emptiness ( your beast).
    But I know you cant feel them 😢… And I believe its neurological… 😓😓( i dont understand yet why this happens somebody born neurologically disabled for these kind of feelings)
    But I am pretty sure you would like to feel them just like I would wish to have the capacity to hate.
    On the other side today walking from the parking to my car i was thnking that I know dozens of narcs from very close, and I have seen and felt sadness from them… Not the same type or intensity of sadness but its a sadness. Have you ever felt sadness and feel the tears wetting your eyes?? Im pretty sure the answer is yes and this has nothing to do with power.
    In fuel you dont mention the word closeness and Im sure there is a correlation to it. I am sure fuel is correlated to an (x) feeling. Agree its not love. Im sure now about this.
    Last but not least I agree with the other ladied posting. You should become a full time writter 😀… In the meantime I look forward to all your books. Im gonna read them all … Im just not as fast as I would like.

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    1. Enchante Nikita,

      It might but then again those eyes will probably just reflect you won’t they?
      Thanks for your interesting observations. Which do you prefer interacting with the most? People or the environment? Would you rather go on a roller coaster with your friends (you’ve already been on one with my kind of course) or watch the rain bounce off the surface of a lake?
      I appreciate you won’t like feeling the way someone who is sad feels, but your kind do take pride in being able to understand and feel for that other person and their troubles/delights even if the sensation itself is unpleasant. It is the act of empathising which you draw a sense of worth from.
      Have you never felt hatred? When you read of some injustice, some travesty, some disaster which has arisen from the callous disregard for the rights of others and has left people homeless, violated, murdered and displaced? Do you not hate those perpetrators? I understood that your kind do hate such people.
      Happiness and love are not the same as my fuel. Happiness and love have been denied to me because they can serve no purpose for me in terms of what I need to maintain my existence. No, I do not want to feel them. They are a burden and redundant.
      I am interested that you say you have felt sadness from narcs you know. Tell me more. I am never sad. I may feel weak but not sad.
      The only time tears fill my eyes is when Kim is cutting onions when she is making dinner.
      I do find your observations interesting and it aids my understanding of you empathic people so do keep it coming.
      Thank you for the plaudit about writing – perhaps if it could sustain me in the way my profession does I will do it. This of course is something you could influence. Imagine that, being able to influence a narc or am I just letting you think you can influence my choice?! I shall encourage my digits in light of your kind words so you have plenty to read !

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      1. I definitely feel hatred for perpetrators of evil. But I think the reason many empaths don’t recall feeling it, is the feeling is often replaced with an immediate call to action. We must work to correct the observed injustice.

        It’s the action we end up remembering, no the hatred that provoked it.

        One night my narc and I got drunk together, he was very emotional, all over the place. At one point he said he was having a hard time holding it together. I tried to comfort him and he said to leave him alone. He left the room and I figured, ok, I’m pretty sure he’s crying but he said leave him alone, so I did. A few minutes later I head him crying audibly. I’m pretty sure that was just him upping the ante because I didn’t come running.

        Sure enough, he’s leaning against the fridge with tears streaming down his face.

        I’m sure it was all a show. But it was reasonably convincing, what with the waterworks and all…

        Not that I knew it at the time, I hadn’t seen your site yet.

        It’s still hard for me to sort out, it’s hard to imagine this faux emotion, and how to convey it so well if it isn’t truly felt. I know you explained it early on here. But I still don’t get it on a gut level.

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  8. Ha! What do you think I am trying to do HG?

    Incidentally you only get to ‘pull my strings’ if I let you or are affected by you…

    We are powerful…you need us!

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  9. When a narc feels fury his eyes does not mirror anything anymore but himself…i find it interesting… but okay this does not apply as I would not like to interact with you on this state 😳… And even when youre blue eyes would reflect void, blue is blue 😃 and I have s fascination for the different tones of blue eyes of european people.
    I would prefer 1000 times to watch the rain bounce of the surface of a lake. We did this in summer him and me at the lake of ZH when it rained 😃. This is what I like the best and gives a huge sense of happiness… Be in the majestic presence of nature. The alps, an alpine lake, the ocean (no tourist beaches), or a sunset at the amazonas river…
    HG happiness is just a result of a biochemical reactiom of the brain triggered by a certain activity. I do believe people who suffer from NPD are disabled to have this biochemical reaction as well as the one felt with love. Same as for example the people who can not concentrate. This people they lack a substance in the brain that allows them to concetrate.
    You say feeling for the other or the empathy brings in us feelings of happiness?? No. Only when you can do something for this person and change their feelings to happines is when we have this sense of worth. Something else is pretty exhausting and frustrating as you say…. But there are many other ways we get this sense of happiness.
    I dont know what to think when you say your kind are disabled to feel love and happiness because you dont need it… I guess in theory you dont need it but in practice you replace this for fuel and this is why I believe there is a feeling behind this. Yes power and in control might be something but I would say seeking for attention and reactions looks to trigger a biochemical reaction in the brain similar to the one of happiness (serotonine) and closeness ( oxitocin). Just a guess…and here I think we will remain with opposite opinions 😳😳
    You ask me if I feel hatred when such unfair things happen… Only once or twice when i have been in presence of severe animal cruelty I think I have felt hate but else no, not me. As well as fury… I never do feel this. Fury is an impulse of the brain that did not get neutralized. I believe narcs also miss the neurological part that stops anger to become fury. This is really the weak link… Which make people let you down by reducing the quality and quantity of fuel. And its funny my N asks me if I never scream nor get extremely angry because i am afraid of what people think about me ( 😂😂😂 he lacks this negative type of fuel from me) , but its just because I dont feel it. Its not there. Maybe unfortunately… On the contrary I do cry for everything 😢.
    I have felt sadness coming from every single Narc i have had in my close circle and this is when they have lost a person or animal to whom they had a connection a strong one.
    Because you dont love but you do make connections right and sometimes very strong I would say.
    Im glad we can influence you to decide to write 😃😃👍🏻. You do it really well and Im happy if you continue doing it 😃.
    I think maybe you enjoy it more if its a hobby and not when your income depends on it? What do you think?
    I do have times when feeling happy does not flow easily but I learned new ways of feeling happy…
    I think a Narc can also modify the way of getting fuel and get away from negative reactions and as a logical consequence adoration and admiration have a much higher chance to remain.

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  10. The neat division you make between empaths and narcs is useful for your work, and I see where a “super-empath” would be a gold mine for you.

    However, I’m curious how you tend to react when you across a girl who’s got a bit of both. Someone who, say, has the capacity for empathy, but only uses it when she needs it. She turns the empathy off when it’s not helping her get what she wants. Would this be a fun challenge, or a bad deal–why fight for it, when it’s easier to get fuel from real empaths?

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    1. Hi Noel, I would find that a challenge since getting her to release the empathy when I know she prefers to switch it on and off would be all the sweeter. Of course, if it became increasingly different then as you point out, I would go elsewhere for my fuel, but initially the challenge would gain my interest and the application of my manipulative wiles in order to extract the fuel. I know I would succeed with her as the urge to role out the empathy would be too great. Other lesser narcs might give up and they would go elsewhere.

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    2. I have a hard time understanding that an empath would turn off her emotions because she isn’t getting what she wants…we turn off our emotions because of hurt. If someone is using our compassion and disregarding our feelings it becomes easier to shut down emotionally than to be stabbed in the heart. This does not mean that we do not feel guilt for shutting people out that we truly care for….this is why narcs play us so well. In this situation we have two choices….either allow them access to our emotions or completely cut them off. Malign narc has laid us out very well in his “Fuel” book.

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  11. HG, what is your view and feelings about boundaries? My experience from the narcissist was a complete and utter disregard for my boundaries. In fact I wonder whether this posed a challenge; to completely try and force me to compromise myself and when I asserted myself I later heard that my name and reputation being slurred by him to others to stay away from me. The narcissist would deny this of course, smile in my face whilst at the same time stabbing me in the back…may as well stabbed me from the front. I wonder, in your opinion, that when certain boundaries are no longer standing in the way would the narcissist bother trying again or, given that they are aware of the challenges, give up?

    I’ve thought about your responses to others and I am a massively empathic person…I feel the deepest emotions and he once asked me why all I do is give to people and why do i never run out of caring and feeling and compassion. Is this a curiosity to feel this way?

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    1. Hi Castiel,I think since you posted this you have read my thoughts on boundaries so that may have answered your first question. As for when certain boundaries have been crossed, well there are always others to trample over as well and if not with you, with someone else. We care not for boundaries because we are entitled to do as we please. It has to be that way because of our superiority and our need for fuel. He probably asked you why do you never run out of caring because he was curious and also because he wanted to ascertain just how much you could take in terms of devaluing you so he could obtain further fuel.

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  12. Thanks HG…

    Just out of interest, have you thought about offering training on recognising, working with, managing etc people with a narcissistic personality? You’re an expert in the field (and I write that respectfully)

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    1. I have not but your point is a valid one. I do know that my books have been recommended to a group in the UK who are engaged in tutoring women who have been sucked into relationships which include my kind although they had no idea what has happened to them.I understand it has been recommended to them to help them better understand the way my kind and I think and behave so they are able to assist people in a more meaningful fashion.

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      1. Your books help emensly however I am still having a difficult time in getting my narc to leave on his own terms without the monster escaping. I have said before that I feel confused at times, which he has provided well for, and I am not getting the silent treatment or him finding another source. I am strong but it seems he is stronger. For a month now he has been love bombing like crazy. I never expected perfection from any lover and of course he isn’t BUT if I had a normal thinking lover he is exactly as desired. The thing is I don’t care anymore and I want him gone. He uses MY car every day so he is picking me up and dropping me off at work…this is my only escape. He does whatever I ask and want…of course I see hesitation and frustration from this but no “jeckle” as of yet. I have made myself uninteresting and boring yet he does not walk away. This is absolutely the opposite of how he was prior to me telling him I am done. I am confused and irritated. I had hoped he would have been out by now but instead has unpacked his belongings EVEN after I have told him I did not say he could stay. WTF?! I know what he is capable of and I do fear an upset on his behalf could blow up in my face. Where did I go wrong? I have not lead him to believe I am okay with us. I have told him even now there is no future if he can’t try to fix himself…. I cannot find anything about how this would relate to your chosen paths as a narcissist! In my last relationship with my ex husband, who stalked me, it took me leaving and finding someone else and severalet months of silence for him to move on. It must be something I do! Ladies, anyone else been in this situation? I think I am pretty blunt and stone hearted when I can’t take anymore…. HELP!

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  13. Hi HG
    I’ve recommended your blog and books to a few friends who it appears are and have been involved with your kind. Your books have helped me so I’m passing on the word.
    Keep writing 😊

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  14. I think this is the first time I’ve actually pitied you.

    I kind of just figured this works for you and there is an evolutionary purpose to narcissists and their victims, so I don’t get super worked up about it. I think my life experiences have made me kind of a warped sort of empath, and I think it serves to keep most narcissists away now that I’ve ditched the last one (or in all fairness, he ditched me, although I just realized he unblocked my number, so who knows…).

    I certainly share your site far and wide. Goodness knows my singles group is full of empaths trying to recover.

    But every word of this post conveys how utterly dependent you are on others, not just for any sort of… “pleasure” you take in life, but for your very existence.

    Maybe it’s just me, but that sounds miserable and exhausting. Perhaps being a greater narcissist it comes so effortlessly to you that it’s not as burdensome as it sounds.

    But I sure as hell know you couldn’t pay me enough to take all that on.

    I have freedom, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

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  15. The great gift of sympathetic emotions is that empathy fosters interconnectedness with all sentient beings. The joy of touching and being touched, of being known, embraced and accepted, is the equivalent of going straight to heaven. I have lived alone in nature off and on for years, where the only mirror is the mountains, trees and rivers. And may I say, in my experience, every rock tells a story, every tree whispers and all rivers sing. Wolves dance and howl when I play guitar and sing, birds land on my shoulders. I wish you could feel the only truth I know for myself: Every speck of matter is alive and we are connected.

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