A Brief Period of Rejoicing
The period of devaluation will feel like an ongoing onslaught against you as the various methods of manipulation are deployed against you. We know that is cannot be an unending assault, for no matter how tempting it may be to keep exacting the negative fuel from you as a consequence of your tears, fear, frustration and anger, there is only so much that you can sustain before you decide that enough is enough and you depart. Bringing about such a swift cessation of our primary source of fuel is contrary to our needs and therefore the abusive regime must be rationed in order to provide for the maximum return. Furthermore, if we were to maintain a permanent state of abuse then we would also bring about your failure to function as a reliable appliance. Either you would break under the onslaught or you would eventually become de-sensitised too it and no matter how hard we tried to up the ante, it just would not have the same effect. Whether broken or de-sensitised such a condition results in the interruption to our fuel supply and that is of the paramount importance.
To avoid this happening we will provide various periods of respite during the devaluation phase. This creates the push and pull factor that you become so familiar with. This is what creates the sensation of being strapped to a rollercoaster with no capacity to control its direction or speed. You will be subjected to a silent treatment out of nowhere. One moment you will be relaxing on a Sunday afternoon after a pleasant lunch and then you ask us an innocent question. There is no answer. You ask again in case we have not heard but we remain reading the newspaper. You ask a third time and we fold down a section of the newspaper so that we may peer at you from behind it as that ice-cold glare forms. You are immediately taken aback and your look of hurt and confusion provides the fuel as you ask us what is the matter. Silence. You ask again. Silence. You get up and come over to us and keep asking what is wrong, what is it that you have said, please will we talk to you. More silence. You replay the day so far, in your mind and then you engage in asking us whether when you did this was that what has upset us? Or perhaps when you said something else, is this what has brought this silence on? We of course give you now clues, we provide no answers and your anxiety increases. You move away, desperate to know what it is that has caused the sudden silence but you are wary of irritating us further. You fix us a drink but it is left untouched and then when you next return to the living room we have vanished. You call out through the house and search through it but we cannot be found. Our car has gone from the driveway and you ring our mobile ‘phone. It rings but there is no answer. You keep trying and you also send text messages but there comes no response. This lasts a day, three days or even more and throughout this your anxiety and worry has heightened. All the while we know precisely how you will be reacting and we also see the calls, the texts and we are told by friends that you have been in contact with them worried sick. It all provides fuel.
We then walk back into the house as if nothing has happened and smile at you. We see the relief flood across you and the tears of joy welling in your eyes as yet more fuel comes our way. We hold our arms out and like the child being granted access again to a once angry parent you dart into them, the surge of emotion rippling across you as you feel relieved, delighted and happy. This cessation of the silent treatment, or another form of abusive manipulation that we will deploy during the devaluation stage does not end there. We take it further. We reinstate the golden period so that not only are you so relieved that the horrible silent treatment has ended you become elated that this wonderful period has returned. We treat you like we did during the seduction, telling you how much we love you, we buy you a gift, we help out around the house and arrange to take you somewhere special for dinner. That night we take you to be and make love to you in that delicious way once again and you sleep soundly, feeling safe and secure once again. You give yourself a pat on the back for having endured the difficult period of our silent treatment because it has been worth it in the end. The golden period has come back. You gently scold yourself for having even been worried and rationalise that we obviously needed some space or it was a reaction to being under considerable stress at work. You may have asked us about why we disappeared and you will not have received the truth. You will have been give plausible platitudes such as
“I’ve a lot on my mind and I need room to think.”
“I had to get out before something terrible happened between us.”
“I need some space to breathe, things have been intense as of late.”
These are just excuses that we know you will accept because you are the forgiving type and besides, we are back and the golden period is as well, so you do not want to do anything to jeopardise that by subjecting us to some kind of inquisition. Indeed, there are times, despite your need to know, that you decide it is better to ask nothing and instead revel in the fact that we have come back. We will act as if nothing has happened and you are content to accept that. Peace is so much more enjoyable than war and what a golden peace it is too.
Whether it is the silent treatment, shouting at you, criticising you, intimidating you, messing about with other women or men or all of them, we will call a halt (and there is no logic as to when this will happen so do not think you can see a sign that it is about to change) when we see fit and end the awful treatment by providing you with respite.
This respite prevents you from upping sticks. It prevents you from failing to function. It maintains our source of fuel. This respite provides the contrast so that the positive fuel arising from your joy, delight and relief is powerful indeed. It also provides the contrast for when the devaluation will commence again and it will, so that the negative fuel that flows takes on renewed potency.
Moreover, this acts of kindness which are scattered throughout the devaluation period as a whole act to bind you to us. You feel relief. You also know, when the abuse begins again, that if you hang in there and try to work things out, the golden period will come back once again, you just have to wait and keep working hard to recover it. You are duped into thinking that its restitution is as a consequence of your clingability and something you have done to please us. It is not. You may as well roll a die and the number will equate to the number of weeks of abuse that you will endure before we switch and provide you with respite. Just like the terrorist who takes civilians hostage and frightens and beats them, he will show an act of kindness by allowing the captive to shower or make a call to a relative. The captive then feels warmth towards their captor, despite what they are doing to the captive overall and this engenders hope that another small act of kindness will be exhibited if the captor is kept onside. You are captive to our narcissistic wiles and just like a hostage you will await these moments of tenderness, kindness and the return of the golden period. You will do what you can to keep us onside so that they can return because we have imbued you with the hope that the golden period will return. Thus you remain bound to us and this will allow us to continue the extraction of fuel. This has to happen for the contrast is required to allow the devaluation to be protracted and to continue to provide the fuel.
You are duped into believing that you can influence us to cause the restoration of the golden period and keep it in place. You cannot. You may as well roll a die and the number that comes up will be the number of weeks that you will endure the particular abusive manipulation or manipulations before we suddenly switch back to a period of respite and the golden period.
You will rejoice when this golden period returns and you are given respite. The reality is that it will only ever be a brief period of rejoicing.
38 thoughts on “A Brief Period of Rejoicing”
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JustBreathe
what did the flying monkey do?
I hate them .
They are demonical imps.
To start with the D&D would only happen when he was drunk. It took me quite a long time before I noticed him doing it sober. So after a bad drunken night would come apologies. I’d notice that they were insincere but I’d just be glad the storm had passed (most of the time I’d leave the house when it was too much or I was about to snap). When the insincere apologies stopped working, the Very Bad Ex would try and try again getting more and more “contrite” and “nice” each time. When that stopped working he’d wear me down with repitition, non-stop calling and texting at work and my cell. When that stopped working he’d send one of his flying monkeys. I don’t miss those days!!!
Click delete and more delete and again delete . Then have a glass of wine .. cheers !! You been deleted (insert name ) .. then celebrate !! It’s party time ..
If there is ANYTHING I have learned here from our favorite Narc is that the only way to win is to not play the game.
yup apparently the only way
A snake is a snake when it sheds its skin. You’re still YOU when you put on the fake face, the smiling face…you shed your skin more often than a snake & you’re sneakier than a goddamn mongoose.
His fattening you up with all his lies so he can eat you and swallow you whole . Spit you out then do it all over again.
Like a Thanksgiving turkey!
I been chewed up and spat out before
All emphats should concentrate their amazing positive power to exorcise the demonical narcs.
It might work.
Let the emphats shock the demons by a surprise attack.
a snake is still a snake even if it sheds its skin.. why are you allowing him to do all of those things to you . there is enough information out there and its not only from hg and his writings..there is no excuse anymore to not know about him and his kind. why ? bec you love him? he doesnt know what love is.. you are an object to him . nothing more.. why is that part so difficult to understand. he cannot be fixed.. his broken. his damaged goods.
yup you said it exactly right so many just don’t get the concept
The best act of love to do to a narcs it is to tell him/ her what they are with boldness and frankness.
Next step to get them to seriousely consider an exorcism.
The majority, however, will not accept it. The lesser will hiss, the mid- ranger sneer, and the greater might agree but then torture you for the provocation.
The ones that will choose to seriousely consider it.. might be saved.
Apologies from a N mean nothing! ! He’s just trying to get you to reply to him.
OMG this is very sad to read and I don’t resonate with any of the happenings except for the push and pull but not in this way.
My heart would not resist it, nor my soul, nor my spirit if someone disappears on me for so many days without explanation.
Im dead afterwards, of sadness, of worry, of shock, of despair, of everything possible ……..
This would be for me so strong and equal like to a never ending push with no pull back
Its very frightening HG
nikitalondon
Will you still feel that way if you’ d know for sure that the narcs is a demon?
Probabily yes, because emphats would even try to change Satan with love.
Well, sorry to disappoint you, it will not work.
They are out to destroy.
I know this now that there are bad people by nature or even demonic people… i know it and i apply it to my everday life and yes before i would have tried to chamge the devil with love and die in the intent. Greets sophie
APologies from your ex- N ? But this is good Clarence !!! to get apologies.
Except it is just a hoover.
And not even a grand Hoover to top off. How offensive! Lol
Nikita – have you learned nothing from H.G.? There is not one morsel, crumb, neutron of remorse. His long silent treatment did not yield my usual attempt at getting some kind of communication going. He can’t possibly lash out. That won’t end the silence. He knows he has to appear contrite to get my attention. Old me used to think it was his over-confidence flowing, but H.G. has shown me how magnanimous and ego-centric his apologies are worded. It’s not a matter of me accepting or refusing his apology. It’s a meaningless pile of horsesh*t for me to walk over. I know have the upper hand to show him irrelevance and that it brings no value to my life. He won’t be “winning” today.
Yes! Exactly! !
Yes I know what he has said.. But I understand what it means to you. Seems youre still very much into the situation with your ex.
You are correct that if you sustain the abuse too long, the possibility that the person will become desensitized to it exists. Case in point, apology texts coming yesterday after 7 solid weeks of silence and me not budging. I ignored, but I imagine I’ll respond with something. Although unlike all the previous times, where I welcomed dialouge and communication opening up again with his apologies, I will be shutting him down. He miscalculated the extent of his last round of insults and his timing. Thanks to you, I am desensitized to it.
The apologies are meaningless and just a hoover attempt. I know the need to reply can be great but it really is more hurtful to them to just ignore all advances. It damages their fragile egos more then any reply ever will.
Aarrrggghhh! I’m so teetering right now NQN. Ignoring OR a response with no emotion can also cause a blow according to H.G. I think I can do the 2nd with what I know now and how I know him. (??)
Imagine how receiving no response makes us feel, and now take that times two and that’s the effect on a N! I would rather someone reply with an insult, one word, etc than ignore me! I always think of this when I’m tempted to reply with a clever response.
Ya know, if I don’t respond, I risk him thinking I accept this stale apology as having merit. I wish I could pretend that I got a “sincere” apology giving “pretend” closure because he “cared” in the end and go about my way. But that’s a lie. No, I’ll respond. It won’t be angry. It won’t be sad. It won’t be fuel. And maybe I don’t win the war, but I win a nice psychological battle today and that is a good, good day for me.
He isn’t sending the apology Clarece for you to accept it, he is sending so you respond so that he knows he can still cause you to respond. That is his aim. I know you cannot help but want the last word or to make a further point to him but even if it is fuel free HE made this overture and he will regard any response in the way HE wishes to frame it, namely, “I bet if I send an apology she will answer me” and thus he feels powerful because you responded to his overture. BY answering you won’t win the psychological battle today for the reasons outlined.
If there had been silence and you sent a fuel free to the point missive which was not provoked by him, that would damage him because he was not looking for a response and all he got was a fuel-free criticism and that will wound.
He wants a response. That is the sole aim of this approach and should you respond he succeeds irrespective of what you write. Notice that he sent one apology and you did nothing. What happened next? He sent a further message because he did not like the fact you did not respond to the first. He is like a fisherman. If the bait on the first hook does not work, he tries a different or larger type of bait. He wants the bite, he does not care how the bite happens, he just wants the bite. He wants a response and if you give him he succeeds.
Insert image of MLA throwing her pen in the air at her desk and looking for comfort food snacks since we don’t have a stocked bar like in Mad Men days. Sooooo frustrated! I have not hit send yet on the email to him. It is do foreign to me to stay silent…
Ha ha. Don’t you think he knows that is foreign for you to stay silent, that is what he is banking on.
P.S. Thank you H.G. for such a considerate reply!
You are welcome.
Tempting to send a reply Clarice but you’ll do more damage if you don’t 🙂 He’s hoovering you , if he gets a reply , any reply its game on for him . I’m sure HG would say the same .xx
Opps . reminder tomyself to read all of the comments before posting .. HG already said it . x
how is he getting ahold of you. how are you getting his texts.. why are you still receiving his messages/text. no need to ignore his messages if you dont see it
Ok, I have him blocked on my phone and he may well have tried to text there and got the red X for non-delivery. I love testing H.G.’s theories. Two weeks ago I was at a function that 2 of his close “lieutenants” were at and there were several social media pics that went up. I unblocked him on FB about 4-5 days ago to see if he’d catch wind. H.G. says they will always monitor the social media sites and lieutenants always report back. Boom! He messaged me yesterday on FB. We hadn’t messaged that way since briefly in 2014. I know that was bad, but seriously I’m amazed how fast if you’re just going on testing out a theory. H.G. is victorious in calling it, AGAIN!
😀
I am obliged and kudos to you for being such a fine student!