Where’s My Hoover?

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The hoover. The useful word that is utilised to describe the classic move of our kind to bring you back under our control, our spell and into our world once again. Of course we apply several different hoovers during the course of your entanglement with us, but let’s focus on the hoover which takes place following the cessation of the formal relationship between you and our kind. When I make reference to the formal relationship, I mean the concept (in your world) of you and us being together as intimate partners. Of course in our world, the relationship will last forever because of the unwritten contract you unwittingly entered into when you became entangled with us. This means we are entitled to draw fuel from you until such time as one of us draws our last breath and in that sense there is this Narcissistic Relationship and then there is the Formal Relationship, the latter being the conventional perception of when two people are involved with one another. Accordingly, once the Formal Relationship has come to an end, either through your escape or more frequently through the discard, there are then three potential hoovers which can occur.


  1. The Initial Grand Hoover;
  2. The Benign Follow-up Hoover; and
  3. The Malign Follow-up Hoover

You find yourself in the situation that the Formal Relationship has ended but where is the hoover? You have perhaps realised what you have been involved with and undertaken some reading and there is repeated mention of this hoover which is meant to happen but so far there has been nothing? Why is that? How come you have not been hoovered by your narcissist? Many of you would be delighted to find yourself in such a position, able to focus on yourself rather than worrying about being confronted by our kind and subjected to a hoover. The apparent failure of our kind to hoover however does cause victims to, in accordance with their nature, to then wonder why this has not happened and in turn blame themselves.

“He hasn’t hoovered me. He obviously doesn’t think I am worth wanting back.”

“I haven’t heard anything from him. I feel cheated that he hasn’t tried to hoover me.”

“I want him to hoover me. There are things I want to say to him now I know better what has happened.”

“There hasn’t been a hoover. That makes me feel invalidated.”

“He has been silent. I want him to win me back.”

Accordingly, if no hoover has been forthcoming you are still left feeling bewildered and miserable. The effects of our behaviour are far-reaching indeed. It may appear odd to the external observer that you would want to have interaction again with someone who has abused you, but there are several reasons why victims want that hoover to happen.

  1. You want the Formal Relationship to begin again. You are still caught up in the emotional sea of believing that things can be put right, that somehow the problems that occurred can be overcome and fixed. If we hoover you, you will willingly submit so we are together again.
  2. An opportunity to resist the hoover in order to let our kind know that you are not to be messed with anymore. A statement of intent, if you will.
  3. A chance to get things off your chest. You want to say your piece to us. It is often a case of asking “why” but you may also want to lash out at us as a consequence of the way you have been treated.
  4. An opportunity to let us know that you know what we are. That occasion to look us in the eye and tell us you know precisely what we are in order to gauge our reaction to this revelation and empowerment on your part.
  5. To tie up loose ends. There may be financial matters outstanding, there might be possessions to hand over, post and so on.
  6. The chance to be validated. Surely if we meant all those things we said during the golden period then we must want you again. That has to be right hasn’t it?

Subject to the school of narcissist you are dealing with, we have varying degrees of awareness about these factors which means we know that you are susceptible to our potential hoover and that it may well meet with success, leaving aside other factors such as the type of narcissist we are and the effort we will expend on the hoover.

You want the hoover to happen, but it does not appear to have taken place. Why is that?

  1. You may have been hoovered but not realised. The post escape/discard hoovers are not just there to bring you back to us. Sometimes we do not want that to happen but we would rather obtain fuel from you.
  2. The Initial Grand Hoover is always deployed to win you back and resume the Formal Relationship;
  3. The Benign Follow-Up Hoover (which comes after the IGH) may seek the resumption of the Formal Relationship but is also deployed purely to draw positive fuel from you and/or to fact find;
  4. The Malign Hoover seeks only to draw negative fuel

Accordingly, two out of the three post escape/discard hoovers may purely be about drawing fuel from you or fact-finding. Thus, if you think that a hoover is only about starting the relationship again you may have not thought that the telephone call which came from our number but we did not speak when you answered was not a hoover. It was. Fuel would have been drawn from the manner in which you answered (a nervous hello, an angry answer or a hopeful salutation) but it was also done to fact find. Would you answer? How would you answer? This is then used to formulate the nature of further hoovers. The sending of an invitation to sign up to a particular application does not cause the resumption of the Formal Relationship but it may draw Thought Fuel and is certainly a fact finding step designed to see how you will respond. Accordingly, you may well have been hoovered but not realised it.

  1. The hoover may not actually come from us. You may be hoovered by proxy through one of our lieutenants or a member of our coterie asking you questions about what you are up to, whether you have thought about us, how you are getting on and so forth. This information along with your reaction will be relayed to us and we gather fuel and a fact find from it.
  2. We may have contacted you directly and been charming but not encouraged you to come back to us or we may have been nasty. Either way, these are hoovers and are designed to draw fuel from you even though there was no attempt to start the Formal Relationship again.
  3. You may not actually be giving us any opportunity to hoover you. There are two instances when this arises: –
  4. You are contacting us so often and repeatedly in order to get answers and/or start the relationship again that we do not need to hoover you. You won’t leave us alone.
  5. You have placed yourself in a position whereby we are not able to contact you at all.
  6. It is too early. When you have been discarded we are infatuated and pre-occupied with your replacement as primary source of fuel. Therefore, we have no need to hoover you. We are focused on this person and they are meeting our fuel needs. You have been deleted from our mind and therefore there is no need for us to hoover you. This could last for a number of months before you even pop into our heads again. Many victims expect the hoover to happen within a week or so of discard. This might happen but it is more often the case that a longer time period will elapse between discard and hoover.
  7. You remain out of the spheres of influence. You do not do anything to come up on our radar. You either have not appeared in our sixth sphere of influence (our thoughts) yet or if you have we may have decided against instigating a hoover because it is less feasible, the energy involved is not something we wish to expend or we may have an alternative person to hoover who is a better prospect than you (for example the ex before you who lives nearer to us).

Thus there are many reasons why that hoover has not yet happened. Can you make a hoover happen? Yes, you can. If you want it to happen, you are best designing a way to enter one of our spheres of influence but understand, for the reasons outlined above, it may not happen when you want it to, but it will at some point. After all, in accordance with our total desire for control, we want the hoover to be when we decide, not you.

352 thoughts on “Where’s My Hoover?

  1. Omega says:

    There has been 5 discards and hoovers so far in my situation. The discards always done in a negative way before, but this last discard was different. There was some devaluation before and a short-term discard, but then the narc returned with a farewell email saying stuff along the lines of, “I wish you well in life. You were nothing with me in your life and I was nothing with you in my life. I hope you find what you’re looking for and can one day forget about me.” Can I still expect a future hoover?

    1. Gabrielle says:

      Omega, I received a very similar hoover email. “I hope you find the richest truest happiness available because you deserve it. I will always love you but your obsession and your need for me is unhealthy and I need to destroy that.” Silence ever since.

  2. peachy says:

    I’m sorry mr tudor, I’ve forgotten all the circumstances.
    We knew about 5 months. Three months there were the idealisiering and then began the devaluation and strife. He could not stand it when I wanted to do something with my girlfriends. So there was a lot of violence, since I still did. He is also very jealous, and often insinuated to me that I had gone astray. That was the reason for our quarrel on that morning.
    I’m sorry mr tudor, I’ve forgotten all the circumstances.
    We knew about 5 months. Three months there were the idealisiering and then began the devaluation and strife. He could not stand it when I wanted to do something with my girlfriends. So there was a lot of violence, since I still did. He is also very jealous, and often insinuated to me that I had gone astray. That was the reason for our quarrel on that morning.
    He says of himself he is narcissistic. But I have the feeling, he does not know exactly what that means. He also goes to a therapist. But very irregular.
    I’m looking forward to a response from them. Greetings from Germany

  3. peachy says:

    We had a distance relationship. One morning we were arguing about a little bit and I just drove home. Did not tell me two days. Then I apologized to him because I just drove. For him the relationship was already finished. We phoned one more time. I begged not to finish, he said only, the struggles he no longer wanted. It was the end.
    I sent a package with his things, he sent me my things. Since nothing more.
    Will he hoover?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes subject to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met.

  4. Sibyl Vane says:

    I made my escape from the narc almost a year ago. Two weeks later, I find out I have already been replaced by some woman he had been talking to on Facebook. He did hoover me a few times over the following three months. He would shoot me a text, and once he got a response and saw he could still get my attention, he would go silent again. I caught on to his game and completely ignored his last text which was about 6 months ago and haven’t heard from him since.

    Well, just this past weekend I was at a party and the narc was also there, as well as the woman he replaced me with. I have been reading up on narcissists and have learned that they hate being treated with indifference, so I was ready to act accordingly. He didn’t try talking to me at all that night, but there were a few instances where I suspect he may have tried to indirectly hoover me. For example, there were a couple times when I would be in the middle of chatting with a friend, and he would interrupt our conversation to ask my friend a question. I gave no reaction when he did this and instead turned my attention elsewhere. When he was about to leave the party, he came up to me and another male friend I was talking to and gave this friend a hug, while completely ignoring me. I found it a bit odd that he would give this person a hug goodbye since they see each other very frequently (they are in a band together and practice at least a couple times a week). Could these have been hoover attempts?

    I chatted for a bit with my replacement during the party, and was actually surprised that I had no jealous feelings toward her at all. She’s a very sweet woman. I don’t think he liked that we were talking and getting along well, because I noticed out of my peripheral vision that he kept glancing over in our direction. I also caught him watching me as I was laughing and talking with some other friends.

    I think I was expecting a hoover text the day after the party, but I never got one. I was also expecting some form of triangulation to happen since his girlfriend and I were both there, but that didn’t happen either. The lack of hoovering and triangulation placed some doubt in my mind as to whether or not he really is a narcissist, but yesterday I was doing some investigating on Facebook and saw that he does indeed still have his harem of women on there. So I am certain that he is a narc. Is it possible that he won’t attempt to hoover me because I paid no attention to him during the party and he can see that he has no effect on my emotions anymore?

  5. HG, you still here?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Over here. Bit more to the centre. Yup, there I am.

  6. Elel says:

    Hello Sir,
    I was in a long distance phone and internet only situation with a narc., it manifested as friendship at first, and then he love bombed me. It was a tumultuous 3 months where this man distracted me from my marriage, my dying relative, and my mundane life in general. I became obsessed.
    I knew him in college(that was his in), and even though it was brief, it was devastating.
    I do not believe he will hover as I have;
    1- Called him out as a sociopath
    2- Went into a rage spiral after the discard and tried (in vain) to contact him up to 6 months after the Grande Finale. I also contacted his friends and exs via social media.

    It has been 15 months NC. I am out of his spheres as we live hundreds of miles apart, have no mutual friends, and he has blocked me on all social media.
    I am mostly healed, but am curious as to whether it is done.
    Do you think he will ever hoover?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The Hoover will occur in accordance with the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria. If you would like to discuss this with reference to your specific circumstances, then in order to provide you with a detailed answer, the most effective way to do so would be to have a private consultation. Details can be found in the blog’s menu bar.

  7. Disillusioned says:

    What makes you think he would contact again? He had the opportunity and didn’t take it. He seems to be very disgusted with me. He has blamed me for everything. I feel bad I allowed his children to be hurt. I’ve never felt so rejected bc I certainly believed he loved me. It seemed so real. How easily he walked away proved I was wrong. I don’t understand any of this. I want revenge but know it would only make me feel like the horrible person he has convinced me I am.

  8. Disillusioned says:

    My question is, could a genuine narcissist ignore an attempt at contact? I would think this would be fuel for him. I am not expecting a hoover as I did expose him to his family. He is very angry at me blaming me for “dissolving” his family. I read info about narcissists and believe he is one based on how everything falls into place, but I thought most true narcs would jump at the chance to continue to berate me. He has gone on an extensive smear campaign and painted me as crazy.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Disillusioned, it depends when this contact takes place. If it is when the narcissist is enjoying a golden period, you may get a polite rebuff (if lucky) and then thereafter after malign hoovers to make you go away (which includes ignoring you). If it is at another time in the dynamic, this may well be done in order to make you keep trying. How did the attempt at contact manifest?

      1. Disillusioned says:

        When his wife found out, she reached out to me and I responded. He was quite upset saying I should’ve allowed him to handle it without me interfering. Even after being caught he maintained regular contact with me. He hadn’t lined up new supply as he wasn’t expecting to get caught, so up to this point he and I were in a “golden period”. He was professing his love, I was his soul mate etc. He claimed he was staying through the holidays for the sake of his children. This was early November. We stayed in touch but it wasn’t the same. He said it was bc I hurt his children by confirming our affair to his wife. Then on New Year’s Eve there was another blow up of her finding out I was still in the picture. This caused him to discard me completely. He just stopped responding and stopped contact. Two weeks after not hearing from him I emailed asking how he does it. How does he leave someone without looking back. It was to this I got no response.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thanks for expanding. He gained fuel from your email and feels no sense of obligation to reply, in a similar way to how he has a sense of entitlement to walk away without looking back.

          1. ???!! says:

            So Sir Tudor, do you think she will hear from him in the future? Or could he walk away and never respond? I think he will contact her in the future.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I agree.

  9. Disillusioned says:

    Mine won’t Hoover either. I was the other woman. He discarded me four years ago. I contacted him three years later (to prove I was over him) and got sucked back in. Had an 18 month affair where he promised to leave his wife and start a life with me. His wife found out and I exposed him to the rest of his family. He berated me and blamed me for everything. I attempted to contact him a week later and he ignored me. It made me even question if he is a narc since I thought he’d want my fuel. Even if it were negative. He wants nothing to do with me, and I actually want him to want me.

    1. Disillusioned says:

      No response H.G? Ouch

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I didn’t see a question Disillusioned, was there something you wanted me to comment on or answer?

  10. KT says:

    My ex narc knows how much I love his kids. If he posted pics of them online i would always comment on how beautiful they are. Now suddenly everytime when I am online a picture gets posted of them. I don’t comment. Also yesterday I got a message asking Hey can you remember the size of that jersey of mine I gave you? I just replied by saying Medium. This is hoovering right? What is the purpose of it though? Is he trying to execute a reverse hoover or what? I did not get the idea that he is fishing for fuel

    1. James says:

      He seems really boring , if that is his best hoovering effort

  11. rosa says:

    i discovered that my nars ex wach cheating on me… i confronted him he answered calmly that he didnt do it and ignored all the evidences i showed him(texts,pics). and then he bloked me! is he gone forever?

    1. rosa says:

      edit: was cheating on me

      1. V says:

        So still gone..?

  12. Flying Tiger says:

    I’ve been Hoovered, but didn’t realize it at the time. Now that I know, I kind of wish it would happen again. But I am pretty sure the discard is permanent now and I will never hear from him again

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Flying Tiger. No such thing as a permanent discard. There is always potential for a hoover.

  13. Blugirlygirl says:

    I am 100% positive that I will not be hoovered by him (so much so that I have a 500 dollar bet with a girlfriend about it). Unlike his other victims, I fought back by telling the truth to our mutual friends (e.g., I didn’t cheat-he did; I am not crazy, etc.). I didn’t stay silent at all about his abuse and I haven’t heard a peep from him since he discarded me and we have been done for almost 5 months. It is quite the relief to know he won’t bother me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Blugirlygirl, good work so far, but do not rest on your laurels, there is time yet.

      1. Blugirlygirl says:

        I stay out of his spheres of influence and he has a new (younger) gf he is flaunting on social media like he did to me. I didn’t take his bait and contact him after 1) finding out he had tried to pursue a friend of mine and 2) after he blocked me on social media. I am actually feeling pretty good about it. We shall see though right?

  14. Heather says:

    Hi HG! I would love to have your insight…

    I left my narc/sociopath ex eleven weeks ago. I actually left him many times, but always came back. This time I was determined to see it through.

    The breakup happened over the phone. He had been planning to come to my apartment and spend a long holiday weekend, and I told him I didn’t want him to come over and I didn’t want to continue the relationship. He became very worked up, and began badgering me to let him come over anyway. “You don’t say no to me!” But I would not back down. When I finally got him off the phone, I immediately blocked him. We have not had any contact since.

    In eleven weeks, there haven’t been any hoovering attempts. It’s just been radio silence. I should mention that he is not a typical narc – he has also Avoidant personality disorder traits, and as a result he’s only ever had two girlfriends. He gets supply through other ways – he doesn’t require a string of sexual partners (at 35 he’s only slept with 4 women).

    During previous breakups he would usually hoover. I’m wondering if this time around, he has decided to let me go? Are they ever gone for good? Did my refusal to let him come over that day, trigger a narc injury? Is he out of my life, or is this just the silent treatment?

    Just so you know, I recommend your work all over the place. 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Heather, thank you for sharing your experience and also for recommending my work, I do appreciate that.

      There is time yet for him to hoover. It is roughly 14 weeks so that is still early. You may not have strayed into one of his spheres of influence yet to activate a Hoover Trigger or if you have he may not have reached the Hoover Criteria for two reasons:-

      1. He has found a new primary source which is keeping him occupied with fresh positive fuel; or
      2. If the new primary source he has found is not proving effective, your stance and your wounding of him at the break-up has made him wary of hoovering you further. You have raised the bar on the hoover execution criteria so he is applying himself to other people instead.

      I suspect he is busy with someone else having been forced to do that after you brought down the shutters on him so effectively.

  15. Sarah says:

    Well, first and foremost, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate what you do for others by writing about your condition and taking the time to do it…you make it interesting and fun and I wanted you to ask if you enjoyed doing this – like answering our obnoxious questions and what not?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Sarah. Yes I enjoy it. I enjoy writing and interacting with everybody here. The questions are rarely obnoxious.

      1. Sarah says:

        I like talking to you, but know you are a busy man…and you are hard to find sometimes 🙂 But can I ask you secret…what in your opinion is the MOST AWESOME thing about being a Narcissist for us non’s who look up to you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Being president.

          1. Indy says:

            You kill me, HG!!! LOL
            I may be moving to Ireland or Canada soon. B.E., ya got space up there hon? I parle some francais.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Plenty of room in Ireland, the Irish live everywhere but Ireland!

          3. Indy says:

            Canada is closer. Plus, I think the Prime Minister is my kind 😉

          4. NarcAngel says:

            Oh HG…..rapier wit as well! My heart be still.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha not too still please, I prefer you alive.

      2. Sarah says:

        Well stayed up for the election but getting some shut eye – thanks for talking hopefully politics don’t pose interference! Trump is a loose cannon but seemed to get better lol – night!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not at all.

  16. Sarah says:

    Hi. My name is Sarah and I really appreciated your thorough explanation to NarcAngel…I have a couple questions…mind if I join in?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Go right ahead Sarah,dive in.

  17. roxfr says:

    Wow! This is the most helpful blog a came across! But I think there must be narcs that do not hoover back ever…no? My story is like every other story here. My ex boyfriend left me one year ago.We have had a long distance relationship and he broke up with me on the phone out of nowhere. I was of course super confused and we have had regular contact in form of phone calls and messages since that (of course we did). I decided to go no contact and wanted to tell him personally so we met a few weeks ago and I told him.
    There has been almost no hoovering since that. I know he doesn`t want me back, as he told me a few times that he has no feelings for me and wishes me a nice guy and so on…blabla…anyway No contact is of course the best thing, and I am glad he makes it so easy for me and although I am still addicted I hope it will remain that way. @ HG Tudor: you`ve said narcs always hoover, but don`t you think they also reach the point where you get so useless to them, and they get so bored, that they just forget you and move on? Especially the narcs who have sooo many relationships, like him. Is it not too much work to keep all the supplies? and what is the point if you know that you don`t want to be involved with your supply anyway?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Roxfr, thank you for your comment and for reading. The position with regard to the hoover is that there is always potential for it to happen but it depends on whether there is a Hoover Trigger (when you enter the sphere of influence) and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria is met. Thus, if those two things do not happen there will be no hoover, so yet it is possible, though rare, that a narc will not hoover. You ought not to take it for granted that this will not happen.
      One does not keep hoovering all past primary sources at the same time as this would make it impossible to do anything else! Whether a former primary source is hovered depends on the factors detailed above. Someone who was a primary source fifteen years ago, who moved away and has never been in contact with a narc since is far less likely to cause a Hoover Trigger and they are likely to be an unattractive fuel source since the narc may not be able to contact them even if there is a hoover trigger and also he may perceive there to be additional obstacles and uncertainty about the quality of the fuel which means the criteria is not met.

  18. NarcAngel says:

    I quite enjoy the dance with my narc. We are both with someone and so it is primarily online with a few face to face meetings. I was not aware initially he was a Narc but expected no actual relationship so had no real stake in it and felt in no danger. I fully enjoyed the fantasy and flattery i was not getting in my real life and the Narc attention allowed me to sustain my real relationship. Lots of red flags and easily spotted lies but i didnt challenge most of them. When i became aware i was amused at his tactics and only called him out on a few. He became enraged and i responded giving him the fuel he needed. And some would say mine as well. I got a few silent treatments and then became bored and yes annoyed that he thought he was undetected and “getting away with the facade” so i sent him a beautiful discard letter that also exposed him as a narc and told him that i was aware but unconcerned. Of course he hoovered and i accepted ( rush for me in that he wanted/needed my fuel. I even told him i knew he had other sources but that iknew mine was superior. He resisted at first but eventually many messages later acknowledged: i am as you say. So if we are both getting something out of it how am i a victim? Am a a Narc? I dont mean to inflame others buti feel these “victims” are getting something out of it as well. They get the initial attention, then the validation i think they harbor that they are not worthy ( in effect punishing themselves), then the subsequent attention of being the ” victim”. What am i missing? Btw- i soooo love your blog Master Tudor. So much so that if it were determined i AM a narc i would consider it my finest source of fuel.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      An interesting recollection NA. Like most things the dynamic with our kind is one on a spectrum. To begin with you get, especially with the Greater, the amazing and seductive love-bombing, the placing on the pedestal, less so with the Lesser. However, during this golden period there is much for the non-narcissist to gain. Then comes the devaluation. Some people are placed on an emotional roller-coaster and confused, but suffer no sexual, financial or physical abuse. The emotional roller-coaster is unpleasant enough but it is but one the outcomes. During this time, through the respite period there are moments of the golden period and thus the “victim” remains – it is wonderful at times, less so at others and the victim remains. Another victim at not tolerate that and eventually escape. Some victims suffer extreme abuse with the consequences of serious physical injury, rape, C-PTSD,financial ruin and much more. They may have had respite periods but these were merely fleeing moments which were not anything like the golden period, but seemed so since they were respites from the abuse even for a short time. Some, though they are in the minority, realise what is going on, having greater capability to handle the treatment that is meted out towards them and focus on extracting what they want from our kind whilst giving the narc what he or she wants. Factors such as the nature and type of the narcissist, the capacity of the non-narcissist to handle the way they are being treated, the awareness of the non-narcissist, the nature and extent of the abusive treatment, the benefits which are still conveyed by the narcissist – these are all factors. Imagine them like sliding switches on a mixing desk. Some interactions have all the settings down low and this is all that can be managed, others have a mixture, some high, some low, others have them high. Thus there are so many different scenarios where one person would find it all too much and either escape or break down whilst another would be able to ‘handle’ it and do so by playing the narcissist back to some degree. There are such variances and different perspectives. Some may argue that anybody who couples with our kind is a victim, irrespective of the extent of the relationship. Others may suggest that they are not a victim if they are getting something from it. Different views and different terminology apply. Keep in mind that many people are unwitting and if in possession of the true facts would never have consented to the entanglement. Others, with knowledge do so; that is their choice.
      Are you a narcissist? I suspect not. Unless you tell me to the contrary, you experience empathy and whilst your behaviours may seem narcissistic to some extent, I suspect you are perhaps most likely to be a super empath who has decided rather than to escape you will remain and draw something that appeals to you. I am sure you will tell me more and thank you for your kind comments about my blog, they are appreciated.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Thank you for your response and explanation. I have been reading the current blogs while trying to catch up on the archived ones and learning how to navigate. Im still not sure if im replying correctly. Here, if its to you, but ive hit reply after someone elses post on the blog and yet it does not show there so i obviously have more to learn regarding procedure. I do not have a Kindle and am in Canada so am trying to determine how best to obtain your books ( i prefer ebook to paper). From what i have read so far i see that your identifying me as a super empath makes sense and i was not aware of this classification(?). I do experience empathy and yet in most cases am described as cold, logical, ( when did that become a bad thing?), and detached. I have also come to see that while getting what i want and need from relationships with Ns (i dont like the word Narc and find myself looking for another) in the golden phase, that when i become bored or they are unable to keep me suspended in it ( due to too many red flags or mask slips) that i may continue to toy with them because i then delight in punishing my stepfather through them, now deceased and who i knew previously as the definition of a Narcissist ( loud, obnoxious, braggart). He was also abusive physically to my family but never to me. The way he punished me was to punish them. So i see that as fitting in the empath category if you will. I always knew i was different. Powerful in some way. Disgusted that those around me could not see how inferior and weak they were and yet accepted not being special in any way. And yet i fail to feel the supposed hapiness they do ( which is why i thought i may be a narc). Well there i go rambling-back to my studies ( your teachings). Haha, a bit obsessed im afraid so youre sure to be hearing more from me albeit i’ll try to keep it brief. I finally feel at home here. Sigh.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          NA I look forward to hearing more from you. With regard to being able to download the books without a Kindle, you do not need a Kindle, you can download the free kindle app to any electronic device and then download the books from Amazon.ca

  19. Rosa says:

    He discarded me 9 months ago, my last word to him was “do not contact me again” he said ok and left! I was never hoovered. Maybe he is done with me?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There’s time yet Rosa.

  20. LJ says:

    I escaped my narc quickly into the devaluation phase. Just prior to my narc I left a dreadful marriage where I was devalued for many years and I knew things with the narc were suddenly going badly wrong although it was such a horrible shock – I thought he was my knight in shining armour – how wrong, I was just his perfect victim!
    Five weeks later I received a missed call from him, I think he rung once then hung up. I completely ignored this and now realise it was a hoover.
    There’s been nothing for 7 months til this weekend he was at an event he knew I would likely be at, and he was with another woman. Luckily as it was so busy I didn’t see him but my friend did – he walked past but I was happily chatting to people – so I gave him no reaction as didn’t even notice him! Was this a type of hoover as he would guess I was going to be there? And if it was why didn’t he try harder to be noticed, he just disappeared after that.
    On one hand I feel good that I have achieved no contact. On the other I am desperate for him to hoover me properly. For years he had used dating websites for very brief casual liaisons. However he met me in ‘real life’ and we lasted 10 months until I think he needed more than one supply and I was wanting things to become more ‘normal’. I also met his family which was a big and unusual thing for him to do. He is now back to trawling the websites. I am desperate for a hoover to validate me (I do not want him back). Do you think it won’t happen now as I am giving him no fuel? I guess I should be grateful if that is the case but somehow I’m not…..
    I feel like he’s ripped my heart and soul out

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello LJ, yes it was a hoover. He may not have tried harder because he perceived there was a risk of rebuttal and wounding. Your desire for him to hoover you is not uncommon. Whether he will, as always, depends on if you enter a sphere of influence so you cause a hoover trigger and then if the hoover criteria are not met. You have probably raised the bar and he sees you as an unattractive fuel prospect at present. Why do you think a hoover will validate you?

  21. Jumo says:

    I have been doing this dance with my N for 3 years. The beginning was friends with benefits while he was preparing to leave his ex-wife. Go figure- he reached out to me (after building an emotional friendship) to sleep on the couch. Obviously- it led to physical and then basically friends with benefits for about 8 months. Finally, I told him either it’s committed or we aren’t doing this dance anymore. Fast forward- he “committed”- left his ex and his two kids to follow me across the country. At this point we are in a full relationship and out in the open, but little did I know this was the beginning of the worst. He has discarded me 6-7 times this past year. Each time usually the day before a big interview, holiday, trip etc. Some were hang ups on the phone and ignoring for 7 days. Others were “nice” text messages saying we just aren’t meant to be. They all vary in context, but I would either beg him back and he would agree OR he would hoover through subtle ways and I would reestablish communication with him and the honeymoon period would begin all over again.

    He proposed to me in May. We were set to move to LA (I am heading back to graduate school- he promised to support me through it as a partner) and take a last minute trip to Alaska (his idea)…night before he confronts me about a number of things – platonically texting a mutual male friend, having a facebook etc. He told me he was going for a walk and that he promised he was coming back and then he texted me “I can’t anymore babe, too many lies.” That was the last I’ve heard from him directly. He still went on the trip to Alaska and told my mom he wanted the ring back due to my choices which made it impossible for the relationship to continue. That was 7 weeks ago.

    There have been “weird” things happening that never happen to me normally. A weird text with my whole name from a number I don’t know and has been since disconnected. A Facebook request (my new account) from a lookalike person that has no profile. I’ve ignored all of them.

    A week ago, I was driving and saw him walking on the streets of my neighborhood/hometown with no bag or anything. He ran into a mutual friend, but didn’t say anything to her. Obviously- she reported this back to me that he was still in town. Normally- he flees to his next rent free living arrangement with family and I was SHOCKED he was still on the west coast. Also- why is he walking around my hometown on the main street I travel? There is nothing here for him. I am not a bit paranoid that I will run into him, but I also find myself longing for it as well. Totally illogical obviously because life has been SO peaceful and drama free since he left me AGAIN.

    Anyways- I have heard anything since. Do you think this was the final discard since he knows everyone in my life despises him and I haven’t been begging for him back. I’ve also continued on with my life and started school and pursing my dream. Something I am convinced he tried to sabotage over the last year (discards before big interviews etc).

    Any insight is helpful. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Jumo, thanks for your post. Your experience exhibits the typical behaviours of the narcissistic dynamic. The method by which he has discarded you each time, normal before some significant event has been done to maximise the amount of fuel that he can obtain from his actions. Following the discard that took place seven weeks ago he has been hoovering you – the whole name text, the FB request, him walking around your neighbourhood, being seen by the mutual friend. This is all being done to extract fuel from you and also to probe your defences to ascertain how effectively he can look to draw more fuel from you and pave the way for the Formal Relationship to commence again.
      No, it has not been the final discard. In truth, there is no such thing. The Narcissistic Relationship is until death, what governs whether there will be further hoovers is of course whether there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. Your desire to run into him is understandable because of the extent of his infection of you. You should look to maintain no contact and endeavour to minimise the likelihood of triggering a hoover and being a preferential target for fuel. He has not finished with you yet.

  22. Pentiumpilot says:

    Reblogged this on Psychopathy Today.

  23. Lou says:

    He discarded me 3 mths ago and got with a new target. I had deleted him from Facebook but no blocked. We had 20 mutual friends.
    He changed his profile picture to himself with his new gf. Could this be consider a Hoover as I’m sure he’d know I’d see it!
    This man had declared love for me then abruptly dumped me days later with this crapist excuse ever.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Lou, this is a Relationship Bulletin move which is designed to show off the new primary source and you are correct it is a form of hoover. He will not see your reaction but he will know what your reaction is likely to be and therefore he will gain Thought Fuel from it.
      What excuse did he give you when he dumped you?

      1. Lou says:

        I was extremely shocked that he looked so in love after only 2 math since we’d been together. He loved bombed me, used other to convince me he was into me. Ie, introduced me to family members etc. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. Then out of the blue he goes a little quiet and eventually sends me a text that contradicted itself. He was too busy with cricket season and only had Sunday free and if got my kids that day! And he wanted more than every other weekend even though he had his son every other wk end. It was a complete excuse.
        Whilst I was seeing him, he had told me he usually went for younger, so no surprise his new target is younger, but she has 2 young kids, funny that he didn’t want to hang around mine on a Sunday.
        I have since now blocked him completely. But still feel angry at the way I was used.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You ought not to be surprised Lou, by such contradictions the more you learn about our kind.

  24. Jessica says:

    I got called or hoovered back twice. The last one took two months for me to return. Should of stated gone but was manipulated into believing this would work. Which of course it hasn’t. I hope I am strong enough to walk away completely but will never be the same person I was.

  25. MissLondon says:

    Hi there, I have a restraining order against ex Narcopath and he is out on bail.
    Pre Restraining order he tried to hoover a great deal (various watsapp status’, phone calls regarding property several times) to which I went ‘grey rock’ posted belongings and refused my own property back just to avoid seeing him or having to put up with a hoover attempt. Soon after that I went NC, blocked Narc on everything to ensure NC and took out a restraining order. In fact he tried to hoover in court (attempting to return my keys and wanting to start paying child support for my baby) no one realised this was a hoover but I figured Narc out pretty well by now.
    Anyhow, considering he is also out on bail will he still attempt to hoover at a later date?
    I was hoping I am too much trouble for him and the loser would die or dissapear forever.
    Very very average and less than basic for a grander of your kind.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Miss London, you have certainly adopted an appropriate response for dealing with him. He may well hoover at a later date but given what you have described and on the assumption that you maintain this approach the likelihood of him doing so will be considerable reduced. This is because you are staying out of his spheres of influence. By so doing, you will not present yourself as an opportunity. He may think about you (nothing you can do to stop that) and then consider getting in contact but with the defences you have created and his Lesser status he is likely to regard it as too difficult to execute and therefore instead he will pursue an easier target/ concentrate on his current primary source instead.

  26. 1jaded1 says:

    Yuck. My best wants a hoover to tell him what a fcktard he is. Lol it will only give him fuel. Your post could have been written for her. I wish mine gone forever. He needs to vamoose.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Have you conveyed it to your best friend?

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        Yes. Most of what I say to anyone comes out blah, blah, blah…until it happens. Sometimes I get snarky and say whosaidwhat? She is getting it though.

      2. 1jaded1 says:

        It doesn’t matter. People do what they want.

  27. The question to raise to oneself is why do I need someone to tell me my feelings are valid? The hoover sparks interest because maybe we are shocked at their arrogance. Or how about, is he different now? Or he still wants me, right? or I just want to be sure I made the right decision. Second guessing….why? Is wanting to be hoovered really just needing approval that we did the right thing by leaving? This makes me think this is rooted in insecurity in one’s decisions. We don’t trust ourselves. We just gotta be sure. He really might have been the one. So I think building self trust and confidence in our decisions is where we should start. This wanting the hoover seems to me to be wrapped in neediness. You need some type of approval. I need him to tell me. I need to be sure. I need to confirm. I need to…..whatever reason you fake yourself out with. Until we can get our self esteem raised to the point of not needing anything and trusting our instincts and ourselves, you will second guess and remain insecure. This is where the narc wants you, confused. The remedy in my mind is to not need anything and want it instead. Think about what you want in a person. Make a list if you have to. Carry on with your life. He never cared. Its a fantasy. It hurts to accept that. You have to though in order to move on. Get to know yourself, your likes, your dislikes. Nurture yourself. Spend time with yourself. It’s okay to be a little selfish, everyone is in varying degrees. Rebuild your foundation solid and stabile. Build your “house” ….realize your value. Look at what you built in yourself. Everyday you build more. Don’t look at what others are building. Focus. Maybe it’s day one of rebuild. Maybe it’s years of building, but get your house in order, then invite what you want in, not what you need in. Don’t ever sell yourself short. HG gave you the tools to build with (an altruistic act btw HG. Yes it is, definition 2 in Merriam Webster)They are no good if you don’t take them out and use them. Self worth has to be a built so you don’t remain paralyzed…
    I’m making bricks, anyone want to join me?

    1. Indy says:

      Preach it! Love it!

  28. ???!! says:

    Oh, and he didn’t like that I snooped. In Golden Period I saw engagement notice with lady he’s now married to. He was so upset and came up with a great lie. Said he couldn’t trust me for snooping. 9 months later, unknown to me, he got remote access to my computer. He had a computer company. At that point, I was searching intensively online about him, psychopaths, etc. People say I should be a detective – I could find anything that could be found. So because he was so upset with 1 small thing I found, he’d be really upset with seeing how intensely I was investigating him. He’d see it as being nosy. So I can’t see him ever hoovering me. He is Pro at Silent Treatment. Do you think I’m right, Sir Tudor, that he’ll never hoover?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I like Sir Tudor. You can keep using that.

      No, we always hoover if circumstances allow it.

    2. ???!! says:

      Another twist to this convoluted plot, Sir Tudor, I am married. I wasn’t looking for an affair – never had one. Marriage was very, very bad and I went online to chat (not something I did) and he was only person I contacted. I thought he was forever and was going to leave marriage for him. What I see of him on paper (arrests, court records, etc.) isn’t a how I knew him. He fits description of psychopath (and a criminal one) to a “T”. Why I think he won’t hoover: I’m married, he likes young, gorgeous women, he’s now married a 3rd time and escaping the law, and he hated that I snooped and he knows now that I know what he is, Plus, how he discarded me I know he didn’t want me as he could have had me. As psychopaths don’t feel heartbreak and he seems to be able to get tons of fuel online, and he really seems to have wanted me out of his life, and due to the person he is (makes a decision and seems to stick with it – and he chose to discard me), I don’t think he will hoover. I would think that some narcissists would leave some people behind and never contact. But then again, we don’t think like you.
      On the other hand, he invested a lot of contact with me and I always came back when it ended (I can’t now due to his crimes, marriage). There was so much we had, I find it hard he would just forget me. But he obviously prefers others.
      Should he hoover, I will notify you, after I recover from shock/fainting. But we may be waiting years and he’s in his 50’s.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        An interesting analysis of him. I suspect that he homes in on low hanging fruit namely women who are lonely, in poor marriages, bored etc and through online methods and no doubt he has lots of fishing lines out there to hook these type of people, which included yourself. You state he likes young gorgeous women. He may portray that to be the case but do you know if these form his victims or whether he just tells you this (which will be triangulating) and the reality is he goes after people like yourself. He is no doubt occupied with a new primary source of fuel and I daresay his hoover will only come about when he has an easy opportunity to do so as he clearly does not like to expend much energy at all.

      2. ???!! says:

        My sleuthing found him on dating sites. 1 site was young, Russian beauties. He used a variant of his name that I found. On another, where you post the ages of who you are looking for, he input ages of young women. As these were well hidden and most before he knew me. He wouldn’t want me knowing, Sir Tudor, so no triangling there. He probably thinks no one could find them. His court documents claim he has unusual sexual interest in children. But he likes young women. He has posted wedding pics on his Facebook (I’m not included on any of his social media). Whether or not he cared if I saw them, I don’t know. I think he knew I’d see them.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Interesting, thanks for expanding.

          1. ???!! says:

            Thank you for thinking about this bizarreness. While it would have been best to walk away from this unfinished puzzle, I’ve wanted to fit the pieces in. Plus I was devastated. Most probable fact: he is a con man who is obsessed with sex and mainly with hot, young things (he is an AMAZING lover); I was thoroughly duped and taken. Mystery solved! Thanks, Sir Tudor, for sharing your brain. You are correct re: low hanging fruit, online luring, etc.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome Question and Exclamation Marks.

      3. ???!! says:

        He also wrote for Penthouse in his teens, so “raised” on seeing beauties.

  29. ???!! says:

    Mine won’t hoover, I don’t think. He discarded me a year ago and didn’t respond (only politely to issue of him repaying me, which I then let go). Found out online he was arrested a few months later (sex with child, etc.), then married 3rd wife 1 week after release, and I think he’s now in Mexico with bench arrest warrant for not showing up in court in San Diego. He got away on everything. Among many things, he said I’d always have a special place in his heart, but I think he’s busy chasing young, hot things online (he’s in his 50’s). He cheated throughout his engagement (completely denied her/she’s definitely not attractive). I thought I was only one. So due to his “interests” and the fact he has an arrest warrant, I don’t think he’ll contact me as I’m in US – not safe country for him.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There are clear grounds for him not appearing in person to hoover you, but what about through technology? Does he have the means and information available to him to do that?

      1. ???!! says:

        Yes, he posted in comment on Facebook to friend that he has many computers. He is a computer guy. If he was in US, probation would be no social media, online dating, computer checked, etc. But I think he’s in Mexico as his new wife is Mexican.

  30. lmmc says:

    So do psychopaths ever hoover? It’s been a year since he returned to his wife, so I’m assuming I’m safe.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The hoover is always waiting to happen. Whether it will depends on whether a sphere of influence is entered into, whether there is the means of effecting the hoover and how easy or difficult that will be and the likely fuel to be drawn from that hoover.

  31. Fool me 1 time says:

    The hoovers he has attempted have failed! Will he stop now? Please say yes HG! Xxx

    1. HG Tudor says:

      For the time being. Stay out of his spheres of influence. Maintain defences in case you appear in the sixth sphere. This maximises your chances of fewer hoovers and also of them failing.

      1. Indy says:

        HG, Really? “Never” stop hoovering? Feeling that sick feeling in my gut when Scooby and the gang decide to split up while searching the haunted house. Got my defenses up. I need a Scooby snack and some bourbon.

        Steeviann, hehe, I can see him crawling through the desert. Love the strength you show in your posts! I’m east coast with fam on west coast. My ex lives 15 min away, NO Contact since July 4th!!!!! :). Looking for something to chase the shiver I got from “never”….

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If you appear in the sphere of influence and the gain from hoover fuel outweighs the potential energy expenditure and difficulties in achieving a hoover then the hoover will happen.

      2. 1jaded1 says:

        Gross. Gonna be in his sixth sphere for an extended period of time around a trigger period for both of us. Last time that happened, there was a ring of the bell and an attempt to purchase his way in. I couldn’t be purchased when we were together. Ugh. Maybe I should rent a car so if he puts gps underneath, the car will go to the rental place and all over the country. That would totally make me laugh.

        You will definitely be accompanying me, HG. I’m getting anxious.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I am happy enough to ride shotgun, you can get to see me in action outside of this arena then.

      3. 1jaded1 says:

        Haha. I’d say that’s really kind of you to offer, but you don’t do kindness. I’ll fly solo, thank you. I’m not sure that I can handle seeing you in action, full force, although his reaction if he saw you and I together would be interesting…but no thanks.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It’s your loss 1jaded.

      4. 1jaded1 says:

        You just told the truth!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I always tell the truth 1jaded, you know that.

  32. Ami says:

    I am excited by the prospect of a hoover because I would delight in the fact that he’s back to square one so to speak. I told him once after the big discard that he will always run away and will constantly reinvent himself. I want his new supply not to work out. I will never know unless he hoovers me. However my narc is so arrogant I can’t ever see him hoovering any old supply.

  33. Indy says:

    Hi HG,

    I couldn’t reply directly to your response: “Entirely valid although I suspect quite rare as most people do not know what they are dealing with until way down the line but I entirely understand the basis for your observation.”

    Thank you for the validation. Actually, felt like to me that it took me a long time to realize he was a narcissist. I started suspecting it about a year into the relationship. The last 6 months I journaled my experiences to keep track and not forget the mini attacks (our minds like to forget the abuse when it is numerous and subtle). I then found your website by way of a friend, this May and read Evil. It was the smack to the senses that I needed. I was still in the relationship at that time, figuring things out.

    So, I think, HG, that as more and more people find your page, the earlier they will realize the dynamic they are experiencing in their relationship may in fact be with a narcissist or someone with a personality disorder. They become educated earlier and thus may seek a hoover as confirmation more and more, as the awareness is coming earlier and earlier…thanks to you, HG 🙂

    Though, to be honest. I wish I hadn’t needed the hoover to confirm….really, a label is just that, a label made by man to succinctly describe a cluster of symptoms…that’s all…if he/she/they treats you like sh-t, you have every right to leave. it doesn’t matter what diagnosis it is, if any. I forgot that I had that right while in the mix of that relationship.

    I have a lot of gratitude for this relationship, he taught me my weaknesses hard and also opened up my understanding of narcissism to spark exploration to end up here and learn form one of the best 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Indy, I am pleased you find it helpful.

  34. Mary says:

    Are we ever safe from the hoover maneuver? I mean there has to come a point where they don’t pick on us anymore? They can’t do that to all of the past victims, mine has way to many I’m sure. All has been quiet for me and my final divorce papers were filed today so I will be free and clear in four weeks!

    1. CC says:

      Mary, my ex went as far back as 16 years, with his ex before me, we are never safe. He may leave you alone for months to years, but make no mistake you will always be considered a source of fuel to him. It’s the latter years that concern me for myself, after so much time will my defenses soften, what will be of my life during that time, will I be more vulnerable to be snatched up again? I keep this knowledge close to my breast, knowing the beast will forever hunt for me.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Graduates from HG’s Academy know always to look to your defences!

    2. Lilly says:

      My first ex and I got together when I was 15 and we were together 8 years. We practically grew up together. It’s been over for almost a decade now but he still watches my fb for publicly visible changes and tries to message me. He got married and even has kids according to the messages he’s sent, but that doesn’t matter. Any reply or contact I give him will be a green light to try and worm his way back into my life. Whether that green light signals polite talking or fighting (or in his case to proposition most likely), it’s all fuel.

  35. Ami says:

    I cant seem to reply as messages not getting through

  36. Oh how I longed for the Hoover when I went NC.

    But I’d cut him off from every possible means of contacting me either directly or indirectly. I still wanted it though, as you say HG, this was for validation purposes. I’d already made my decision I would not be sucked back in, I knew I meant nothing to him because I’d worked out he was An N. But I’d read how others had been hoovered and I wanted this so I could turn him down.

    As soon as I returned to the watering hole, I was hoovered the grand Hoover immediately. And he had two leuitenants on my case as well, both digging and both coming on to me. I never said anything bad about him though, I recall one of them asking who I preferred him, the MN of other leuitenant. I said k liked them all the same.

    Now I love, love, love being hoovered, a positive Hoover means I can manipulate him completely. A malign one means I e ignited fury because his positive hoovers are not working.

    I just love all kinds !!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are a rascal. When are you going to tell me what this watering hole is?

      1. Hmmmm oh – I’m not ! But I have no doubt HG, that you are well on your way to working it out.

  37. Hope says:

    I agree with @Indy. After reading your posts and books HG, his Hoover was a confirmation of his Narcissism for me. Then, his immediate lie blaming me for what he had done … was icing on the cake. 🙂 Very predictable.

    I know 100% for sure now what he is – and understand. He is what he is. There’s no changing that. Just peace of mind for me. Life is going on without him & I’m much happier now.

    The one thing that will make me happier … is when you soon hit your 1 millionth view on this blog. You definitely deserve it! 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Hope.

  38. christy says:

    Do narcissist ever stay away from a CO dependent? We have been fighting for the past couple of weeks and he said I must have a condition where I just couldn’t handle a break up. I never knew if we were broken up or not, it was something different every day. I had enough and he asked me to pay his phone bill again and I said I couldn’t. He got mad and said he was going to have to change his number and not talk to me anymore, that we are poison to each other. Is this typical of something a narcissist would do? Does it mean he’s gone for good?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No. A co-dependent presents a succulent target for our kind and we will keep returning to such a person repeatedly.

      Your failure to pay his phone bill was seen as a criticism by him. You ignited his fury and this resulted in his heated fury reaction. That is why he lashed out and said what he said. You are now being treated to a silent treatment. He will be back.

  39. Lilly says:

    Like Indy, I sought a hoover for validation that he was in fact a narc. Everything seemed so subtle compared to my prior relationship, I was doubtful. I also still saw myself as his property, essentially, and was seeking release. So a carefully fueled email finally earned a reply which confirmed everything. That instantly relieved a lot of stress and, although I never got that “release” from him technically, it allowed me to start to let go. I’m still struggling with the whole D/s part but it’s getting easier.

    1. twinkletoes says:

      Can you elaborate on the email?

      1. Lilly says:

        I laid my heart out openly and honestly, but in such a way as to show him I was trying to see things from his perspective and learn from it. I used a couple of examples from the relationship where, looking back, it could have been seen as criticism or questioning his judgement and I said that I recognized that and apologized for it. I stated my motivations in a straightforward way, not trying to defend myself or attack him, just explaining my side. I acknowledged they were still mistakes regardless of my motivation because they displeased him. In my mind that is actually how I genuinely feel. It’s part of my continuing struggle to wrap my brain around all this. I didn’t mention anything about narcissistic behavior, but I did use some of these blog posts and other writings as kind of a guideline to help me word things. I also threw a couple pics in there for some visual fuel. The reply was pretty much what I expected. My feelings were either ignored or used against me and the focus was on my spitefulness and contemptuousness as reasons for his excusing himself from the situation. But he wishes me the best and hopes we can both move on.

  40. CC says:

    The hoover is an illusion just as everything is with the Narc. I have to see my ex due to having children together for drop off or pick ups etc. I always make sure I look my absolute best, I usually get the good old compliment, “you look good” I smile “thanks!”

    Guess what I do it for me not him, I know that he is not like me, though he will pretend to be. He does not really care if I look good or not, he is looking for fuel, he will turn around as soon as I leave and compliment the next person in line. I think this is where the ladies get mixed up, Narcs don’t think like you, they are only thinking of themselves, what they can get from you and the next person after you, they don’t really feel jealousy except when they are not getting the attention but they are not actually jealous of you they just feel entitled to all attention you are not worthy of any its not because you are pretty, smart, or doing better then they are, they don’t actually miss you, you are an object. It’s an illusion, why would you want a bunch of smoke and mirrors, it means absolutely nothing. There is no satisfaction to be gained from the narc, period.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well put.

      1. CC says:

        That’s because I have a magnificent teacher HG!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I wont argue with that. Thank you.

  41. MF says:

    I don’t think there’s any point in going for the “why” question with your N, you will get some answer but you’ll never know if it’s the truth or a lie. Ask yourself the following why: Why bother?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed and we prefer to operate in keeping you wanting more answers so we can keep you hanging on.

      1. MF says:

        …. Touché Mr. Tudor, touché.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I’m obliged.

      2. Eleanor says:

        Over the last few weeks i sent him two emails where i described my thoughts, sorrow and regrets over him and he was confused why did i say so many bad things about him. He said in reply that he regrets i didn’t give him any chance. Then i blocked my number. I recently saw something that continued my suspicions that he had cheated on me. He knows this was my worst fear ever in our relationship. I asked if he cheatwd and he wanted to see me and “talk things over”. I refused. So he called and told me he cheated on me since 5 months ago and now tries to make things work with her. Is this real? Or just malignant hoovering – lies in order to crush me again?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Whether it is real or not Eleanor, the intention is the same; it is done to hurt you and draw fuel. You should not engage with him any further as he will keep trying to draw fuel from you in this manner.

  42. Christy says:

    Do narcissist ever go away? Mine had been on and off for weeks he kept me completely confused and then said I must have a condition where I just couldn’t handle a break up. I can but it was something different every day with him. I got pissed and wouldn’t pay his phone bill so he tells me that he is getting his number changed and never talking to me again, that we are poison to each other. Is this typical of something a narcissist would do? Does it mean he’s gone for good?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No we don’t but there is much you can do to send us elsewhere and keep us at bay.

      1. Christy says:

        Does what he did about changing his number sound typical of a narcissist?

      2. Christy says:

        Hg. What he did about the phone and changing his number, is that typical narcissist behavior?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed it is something that we would do.

  43. Cody says:

    How about this: he hasn’t hoovered me because I am a bad and unreliable supply of fuel. Something to work toward but it’s going to take me a while to get there.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed that would be a valid ground to prevent a hoover although of course keep in mind that if there has been a gap from discard/escape at that juncture very few victims realise that it is all about the fuel and therefore would not know that this is a good ground to prevent the hoover happening. In addition, we operate on the basis that whilst you may not have ended up being a good supply (hence why we discarded you) the nature and circumstances of a hoover will invariably cause that fuel to flow again. I think in your suggested instance that our kind would hoover at least once as that would have to be done to learn that the fuel is poor and unreliable. Once realised there may then not be a hoover for some time. Don’t forget however our arrogance in thinking we are always able to return and we will always gain our fuel.

    2. Narcangel says:

      I allowed the hoovers because i enjoyed giving him delicious fuel. Compliments on his very public job which is easy to keep breast of via Media. Also would leave explicit sex stories involving things he requested and said he craved. After all Narcs need love too?. Then occasionally I would insult him and question whether or not his work was of any value as there hadnt been much media coverage on him and yet others he worked with getting much more. He would alternately strike out with harsh words and disappear a few days or return the next day sweet or as if nothing had happened. I enjoyed the dance and even mentioned on occasion after i had said something particularly vile to him that I expected I would be subjected to another silent treatment but oh well…. I know these are all sources of fuel but dont care. I am far from shattered, I realized very early on he was a fraud (red flags everywhere) yet I stayed involved over a year as I was mostly bored and enjoyed toying with him since he deemed himself so clever and yet was being played with himself. I was amused to see if he had contacted me yet again and sometimes would leave the message unopened for days. We are both married and so it was online but we did meet a few times in the flesh. Recently i decided the amusement was not equal to my time in even answering so I went no contact. He has other sources but I doubt they are equal to what i was providing based on his frequency and willingness to put aside those if Ichose to have contact with him. He tried to message me a few times but it has stopped and bedn about 3 weeks. I like to picture him thrashing around and exhausting himself with other lesser sources but Im amused either way. It had not occurred to me before I met him but Im asking seriously- do you think I am a Narcissist?

  44. Anji Todd says:

    mine is gone… i will never see his foul face again. after what he did,.. no way he would return..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Tell me more Anji, why are you so sure?

  45. Ami says:

    Why am I excited by the prospect of a hoover? I don’t want him back. But the idea he may hoover me…well….!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Expand on that. What would you hope would happen if he did hoover you?

      1. Ami says:

        I would delight in the fact that he’s back to square one so to speak. I want his new supply not to work out. I will never know unless he hoovers me. However my narc is so arrogant I can’t ever see him hoovering any old supply.

        I’m also sexually excited by the prospect of a hoover from him. I can’t explain why but I know that makes me sound crazy.

      2. Ami says:

        I would delight in the fact that he’s back to square one so to speak. I want his new supply not to work out. I will never know unless he hoovers me. However my narc is so arrogant I can’t ever see him hoovering any old supply.

        I’m also sexually excited by the prospect of a hoover. I can’t explain why because I don’t know why myself. I am aware that makes me sound odd.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Understandable sentiments in respect of his new source not working. In terms of the sexual excitement would you want to have sex with him?

  46. ann94063 says:

    I allowed a hoover 6 months after my discard so I could do #2 and #3, and then went no contact. That was exactly 2 years ago. He’s still trying to hoover me with the last one just a few weeks ago, expressing his condolences because he recently found out my husband passed away. What.A.Sleaze!!! If I hadn’t been reading your work, HG, I might have believed his sincerity and responded with a brief and polite thank you. But thanks to YOU, he won’t be hearing back from me, at all! Although, I must say that the narcissist in me is reveling in the knowledge that he clearly wants me back in his life (in what capacity?, I don’t really care). To quote a Taylor Swift song, “People like you always want back the love they pushed aside; but people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.” Thank you again for all you do! XOXO

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Ann. Look to your defences.

    2. steeviann says:

      My therapist said hers still HOOVERS after years, over 15.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thanks for pointing that out Steeviann, it is important to convey that this is, in our minds, an ongoing situation.

      2. ann94063 says:

        That’s a pretty long time, Steeviann. Do they have something that binds them together? Children, perhaps? Or has she gone no contact but he still persists. I plan to be hypervigilant and stay no contact, but I know that sooner or later, I will run into him somewhere. And that is when I’ll be drinking deep from the well of knowledge that HG has provided. 🙂

        1. steeviann says:

          she goes no emotion, neutral. But he still will reach out and she gives him nothing.

  47. traveler1965 says:

    I find it interesting that sometimes we still long for something that we know is not healthy for us. I keep reading so I make sure I get it into my head what the relationship REALLY is and not the illusion painted for me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Traveler, that is exactly the way to approach it.

    2. steeviann says:

      Read his book on Exorcism

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you Steeviann.

      2. traveler1965 says:

        Will do. Thanks

      3. Indy says:

        Steeviann, that actually was my manual to prepare for my exit and maintain my strength in leaving! Great book. That and the one, “Departure Immanent”, both my favs thus far. I have to admit, Evil scared the bejeezus out of me(I htink that was the book with all those techniques, GPS and looking under my car for trackers-damn), but I like horrors…I am an Alfred Hitchcock, black and white movie, thriller type.

        HG-thank you for the details on hoovers. I would like to add an additional reason why I wanted a hoover, because I wanted confirmation that he was a narcissist. I was second guessing myself a lot(I went through a lot of gas lighting that I second guessed my own intuition and knowledge of what a narcissist is). I came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter what his label was, if any….I was not happy and had the right to leave and had to fight that addictive pull to keep the push-pull going. Now I know and glad to have more peace in my life. Still gun shy and honestly shaky. A friend the other day asked me, so when are you going to start dating again…really?? I had to laugh and hope someday I will be up for dating, but for now I am dating me (healthy narcissism):-)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you and also for adding to the basis for which you would want a hoover. Entirely valid although I suspect quite rare as most people do not know what they are dealing with until way down the line but I entirely understand the basis for your observation.

        2. steeviann says:

          I just put Fury on my kindle. Mine lives in another state. I am west coast, he is east coast. He is afraid of me so he will not head my way. Thinks he will end up in the desert. LOL

    3. Alex Zangriles says:

      I agree! 20 years of BS and I am not sure what I want. You almost get used to being the fuel supply.

  48. nikitalondon says:

    I am so happy to know I have nothinh like that anymore in my life.. Hoovers, manipulation, gaslighting.., all gone 😃😃😃… Feels peaceful

  49. mlaclarece says:

    I think this is the most frequently asked question along with why can’t I get closure. Nicely done!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Clarece, I am inclined to agree with you, or rather I am pleased to note you agree with me (after all I lead and you follow, right?)

      1. steeviann says:

        Yes we follow

  50. steeviann says:

    Oh he is not going to forget me. But he can’t call me as he is blocked.
    I love postcards…………….
    Yours truly,
    Mail Demon

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do too. Do you look for a particular style?

      1. steeviann says:

        Just the places I visit.
        But do tell if you have suggestions.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Do you select views, say the landscape or landmarks? What about saucy seaside postcards?

          1. steeviann says:

            Not saucy but beautiful scenery. Peaceful ones.
            But I do want to send one from the Opera House that is of a mans body from the back view, waist up. You know why.
            Oh damage be my friend, my weapon, my revenge.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Indeed I do.

      2. steeviann says:

        But I will also text a picture or two. I can text him but he can’t respond to say stop it. Maybe he has blocked me. Not my business. I do get satisfaction when I hit send.
        His new fuel sources are not, shall I say, the same caliber. I am to much for him.
        He can’t give me anything that I can’t get myself. Now a poor victim that is still working, struggling for the legal tender will look at him as a god send. Little do they know…….
        I know about them as he felt he should share. I think to hurt me but it backfired.
        The one in Paris, turns out she is also looking for an enhancement of her living situation. Needs help fixing her house. Frayed carpet, light switches not working. Gardeners that are less then because she can’t afford better. On and on. I get to hear him complain. He actually said he used her and called her a German Troll.
        I feel bad for her.
        I am sure he said things about me too. But I am going to bet that he spoke the truth about her finances. If the pictures you put on a site are misleading then I say most other things are too.
        I think I am the winner. I am sitting at the Grand Hotel having a latte.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Is there a question mark in the latte?

          1. steeviann says:

            No but it was a triple shot. So it had an exclamation today!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha very good.

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