A Poisoned Pen
That greeting is now more applicable than ever as you are now about to experience my devaluation of you. Why am I doing this? Well, there is the void inside of me. I know it is there and I can feel it. It makes me feel restless, then weak, then as if I am collapsing in on myself, being consumed by the black hole that sits at the centre of my being. The only way I know how to stop this happening is to fill up on emotional content from other people and in particular you. The more emotional attention I get, so much the better. The terror of oblivion soon vanishes and then the weakness fades. It does not take too long for the sensation of restlessness to evaporate and then I am on the up once more. I feel empowered, omnipotent and capable of anything. The more of this emotional content that keeps coming my way then the greater my sense of power becomes, the greater my capability to achieve and I am then that which I know myself to be. That weakened individual is not me. That is just the product of the cruelties of the world that have been heaped up against me. That is the outcome of the malice and treachery that I have to deal with. That is what created that weak individual and I do not recognise him. He has no standing with me and I banish him so readily when I receive the emotional attention which I am entitled to. You once were really, really good at giving me this emotional attention. You did it in a positive way. You loved me in a way that nobody else has done (at least so far as in that I care to remember) and I know that you still love me but there is something different now and the void is making its presence known more than it ought to and certainly more than I want it to. I know what to do though. I always know what to do. I need to flick the switch and now cause that torrent of negative emotional attention to come from you. It is easily done. I know lots of ways of doing it. What makes it even better is that the change from adoration to abhorrence is so marked, such a contrast that your reaction is increased, magnified and boosted. This means all the more of your negative emotional reactions for me to drink in. I have a toolkit full of various manipulations. I have been using some of the tools on you already, although you were so blinded by the brilliance of my seduction you did not notice. It will be different now. Some of the tools are very subtle and you will have no idea that I am controlling you. Others are pretty brutal and you won’t be able to miss them. I wish you hadn’t changed but it has happened. I don’t delight in doing this you know; I just have to do it. It is necessary for my survival and I am of course more important than you, or at least, that is what I keep telling myself. After all, that has to be true hasn’t it? If you were more important than me, you would not find yourself in this situation would you? You wouldn’t be about to face systematic abuse which will leave you hurt, upset, bewildered, exhausted, worried, anxious, terrified, puzzled and near broken. I’m not the one who is going to suffer. You are. You might consider this a punishment for failing to keep up the correct standard of emotional attention that I need. If you do, so be it. Punishment or not, it has to happen because I have to fill that void. Being able to extract such negative emotional attention from you stands as a true measure of my power over you and this is what all of this is about, power. I have to feel powerful because if I do not then I vanish and I do not want that to ever happen. I have realised that the only way that I am able to feel powerful is by harnessing the emotional responses of other people and yours most of all. I suppose you do have some importance then don’t you, just not as much as me.
Don’t take it personally. I have done this to plenty of other people like you. I thought they would prove effective in providing me the emotional attention but despite my best endeavours, careful selection and giving nature, they still malfunctioned. It is very disappointing. In order to fix the situation, I need to change the nature of my interaction with you so that I hurt you. There are thousands of ways of doing this. I may call you names, I may stop having sex with you, I may punch you, I may take your money away, I may stop you seeing your friends, I may just stand and stare at you, I may stop speaking to you, I may disappear, I may have an affair well probably more than one, I may not offer any help to you around the house, I may hide your possessions, I may smash things up, I may disagree with you repeatedly and so much more. There are so many different ways to extract that negative emotional attention. Think of it like a torturer just trying to extract information. He does not care about who you are, he just wants his goal; the information. I am just the same. You do not matter to me. I am not doing this because of who you are, it is what you have failed to do and my goal is to get your negative emotional attention and to do so repeatedly.
It’s not all bad news though. I will flick the switch and be delightful to you again and provide you with some respite from my seemingly ceaseless horrible behaviour. Don’t be mistaken and think that I am doing that because I care about you or because I have suddenly seen the error my ways. I know you and others like you see my ways as wrong, but I seem them as necessary. I will offer you some respite so you don’t leave until I decide it is time for you to go. I do it because I feel that the contrasting positive fuel that you will provide – the relief, the joy, the thanks – will serve me well in filling the void. I don’t expect it to last but it will at least stop you from leaving me and allow you some form of recovery before I flick the switch once more and away we go again. You can expect this to go on for as long as I can keep drawing sufficient emotional attention from you. Back and forth we will go. One day good. The next bad. The next good. The next two bad. It will leave you completely baffled, confused and deranged but that suits me fine. That way you won’t be able to think straight. I do not want you making any calm and rational decisions. Heavens no, you might actually work out what I am and decide to get away from me and I cannot have my supremacy and authority challenged in that manner. I say when things happen around here.
I would say sorry for what is about to happen but eventually you will realise that I rarely say that word and if I do I never mean it. I just it as another way of getting what I want. That’s a fact. It just the way I am. Deal with it. Well, I suppose I had better open up the toolkit and select the first dark instrument to use against you because I am starting to feel restless already and something needs to be fed.
With mechanical action N.Arc x”
22 thoughts on “A Poisoned Pen”
These pieces are brilliant and I adore the way in which they are written.
You write with a poisoned pen….I like poisoned arrows. What a deadly combo.
Thank you B&T.
The suppressed you isn’t weak. He is strong and just doesn’t realize it…omg…playing with fire and gonna get scorched.
What or how do you feel when you know you need fuel? How do you feel after getting it? And how did you realize that those emotions were what you needed?
I feel restless and irritated, then I feel a sense of weakness if levels drop lower and then as if I am toppling in on myself, disappearing.
Once I get it, it depends on how low the fuel levels dropped. The fuel will nullify the “bad” feelings before moving me on to feeling strong, powerful and dominant.
I realised that witnessing certain things made me feel powerful or less weak. Eventually and with some external observation I realised that the emotional reaction aka fuel was what I needed.
“I realised that witnessing certain things made me feel powerful or less weak”
HG, wow, as I read your words, I thought maybe this is one example of how you understand ‘triggers’ of ET can be invoked within victims of abuse and / or trauma, which, in turn, can lead to a period of various emotions and thoughts being ‘out of sync’.
Similarly, I could suggest that you may understand how a **Contagion Empath can be ‘impacted’ when they either witness, or ‘sense’ other’s emotions. **not necessarily discounting other empath schools.
No doubt, you have your own coping strategies that you know work for you ie extraction, obtaining fuel and / or control when the moment demands it. And where to get it from. Your knowledge about yourself gives you the confidence to build, construct and reconstruct your fuel matrices to maintain your pipelines.
The second to last text I sent my ex N before I finished the relationship was, “I hope you find peace within yourself.” I was not aware of what he was, but I sensed he was tormented inside somehow. I realised his behaviour was harmful to me, and that he would not change, so it had to end. I genuinely meant it, I wanted him to find peace within himself. Not so that we could try and fix the relationship, because for me it was over, but for his own wellbeing. He gave me a day’s silent treatment, not that I was bothered as I was just about to end it. HG, do you think he would have taken this sentiment as a criticism?
Hello Rainbow, he would have regarded it a criticism, notwithstanding the fact that it was a kind and genuine sentiment. Firstly he will have perceived it as suggesting that he was in turmoil and less than powerful. Secondly, if he had some awareness of his situation then he would hate the fact that you have identified that and thus actually seen him (in his eyes) as weaker. Both would thus result in a sense of criticism on his part.
Ouch ouch this hurt so much to read because when I look back .. It hurts that I never realized until its too late…
” i dont deserve to be treated like this.. Respite is not love and devalauation are not mood provlems”
Painful to read neverthless fascinating.. Genious writter 😍
So sad that something that was once so good, has to end up so bad!! I would think it would drain you also? Constantly on the look out for more fuel!
So in essence you are doing it all so you can prove to yourself that you exist, huh..
I swear sometimes I think I am involved with you HG. Timing of your posts is uncanny. Then I realize he could NEVER admit all of this…even anonymously. He defends himself furiously at the mention of the array of issues. But his defense is usually hollow. I think he knows what I say is true but for whatever reason cannot actually admit anything. Is there a best way to approach discussing the most damaging issues? I have resigned myself to the fact that I love narcissists. That is nearly all I have been with. So I am trying to make this situation workable. He is willing to do more than I thought he would be. I think he is tired of constantly running too. And I provide him some grade A love/fuel lol…but there is one issue that I cannot tolerate and must be resolved if I am to stay. What method gives me the best chance at being heard?
Congrats on reaching a million. BTW!!!!
I can understand why you want to make the situation workable but if you are trying to resolve the damaging issues it is not going to happen. At best you will have to make certain compromises in order to fit in with the narcissistic behaviour. Is that something that you really want to do? What is the issue that you believe has to be resolved?
Hi HG, I now understand all of this due to you and it all makes sense of what was going on in my non relationship . But you say in there
” We can’t leave until you decide ”
But you’ve also said that they don’t ever really want anyone to leave ? But I guess they do if a new one comes along ? But if someone just stays and puts up with it all you have said you get annoyed that they are staying and dont just leave ?
My ex always told me he had a problem that he never realised what someone meant to him until they had gone . I now understand this as fuel gone . I also think what he meant by this now that I understand . Is when they’ve really gone , when he tries to Hoover and get back with them again for the 30th time and they’ve really gone gone gone then he’s getting the narc injury which he calls heart broken ? He says anyone he’s ever cared about has always left him . I now actually think that may be true in his head , he’s just missing out the bit , that they finally left due to his abuse , which he conveniently forgets or doesn’t mention . So I’m starting to think that even when he’s broken up with someone , he doesn’t actually think it’s over forever because unless they’ve really made that clear in a very nasty way or got married or moved away or something quite extreme like that. When he’s doing the wedge or golden wedge in his head that person is still an option . So it has to get really nasty for it to be over over and even though you want us to leave , you think it may not be forever ?? It’s just like a respite because when we stay you make us leave ? Do you think each time you get back with the same person the fuel can never be as good because you know deep down they’ve seen this horrible side of you so they can never really forget that and you know it. So they are always then looking at you in a different way from when they first met you and that can never be recaptured because you are now tarnished in some way in our eyes . Even though you project that on us . It’s really that once your mask has slipped you know that we can never really see you in the same way ?
Lisa, it is all about timescales. When viewed over the longer period of the Narcissistic Relationship, we do not want anybody to leave. When viewed over a shorter time period, as described in yesterday’s post about the differing scenarios following discard, we do want you out of the way for a temporary period (although at the time we make it seem like it is a permanent desire).
My ex always told me he had a problem that he never realised what someone meant to him until they had gone . – this is part a reference to fuel and part a method of drawing sympathy.
” He says anyone he’s ever cared about has always left him . I now actually think that may be true in his head , he’s just missing out the bit , that they finally left due to his abuse , which he conveniently forgets or doesn’t mention .” – Correct. You are now seeing it from his perspective. He does not see it as abuse but as a necessary response to the failure of the primary source. Remember although we may not be Victim Narcissists we still have a victim mentality and this is evident in this comment.
” So I’m starting to think that even when he’s broken up with someone , he doesn’t actually think it’s over forever because unless they’ve really made that clear in a very nasty way or got married or moved away or something quite extreme like that.” – even when that is said, it does not ultimately dissuade us from thinking you are ours forever.
Do you think each time you get back with the same person the fuel can never be as good because you know deep down they’ve seen this horrible side of you so they can never really forget that and you know it. So they are always then looking at you in a different way from when they first met you and that can never be recaptured because you are now tarnished in some way in our eyes . – no, we find the fact we have managed to draw you back, caused you to give positive fuel again AFTER all we have put you through as an endorsement of how powerful we are and therefore the fuel is refreshed and invigorated because of this.
HG I’m learning but it’s so ridiculously complicated . You would have to go to uni and do a degree in this narc nonsense . You are an intelligent man the fact that you do all of this and live your life like this for such an intelligent man and you even answer all of us and you are still a slave to it . How can you answer us and see it so clearly and even see how much we all respect and understand how this happens to people and still be enslaved by it and don’t say it has served you or that you control it , you don’t , it controls you . You are too intelligent for this . Get rid of your imprisonment and start educating the world about this . Even doctors can’t really do that as they can be gaslighted by narcs . I believe one of your 5 rules is you never lie to us on here about th questions we are asking in regard to helping us with narcs . Even if it’s not a rule I believe you stick with that . That is admirable .
I made a choice a long time ago and have stuck with it ever since.
Thank you for your input concerning the rules. I cannot comment further.
HG, the last paragraph explains so much as to why after a certain MRN and I argued (or after I had a ‘go’ at IT, hahaha), the “relationship” was never the same again. I could also suggest that I felt / thought similarly because I had seen IT in moments when IT’s mask fell off (hahaha). I now understand better.
Your fountain pen differs from mine, I don’t use the blood of the innocent to write my words with.
I do enjoy these ” dear Victim” articles, HG. They finesse a sense of closure, many of us seek.
A few questions, please. Does the devaluation period have a usual timeline or does it fluctuate between primary sources? What is the longest period the idealization phase has lasted (for you) before devaluation began? And what is the catalyst that the primary does (or doesn’t do) that triggers the onset of devaluation? Thanks.
No it varies dependent on the nature of the narcissist and the fuel provision given by the victim.
Longest idealisation, just over a year.
The devaluation is caused by the primary source failing in its obligation to provide fuel at the appropriate potency and level.