20 Admissions of Victimhood
There are many things that my kind like you to say. We want to hear your praise, your affection, your love and your adoration. We want to hear your anger, your frustration, your upset and your vitriol. You hear words. We hear emotions which fuel us and cause the powering flames to burn fiercer and higher. When you become ensnared by one of our kind, we make you a victim of our range of machinations. As part of this entrapment we aim to have you provide us with fuel and this is done by causing you to say certain things to us. We are obsessed with the concept of our status, our superiority and our power. We must always ensure that you are inferior to us, that we are in control and that you are obedient. If we ever feel that this imbalance is slipping, then we will fight to maintain it. We are the conqueror you are the conquered. In keeping with this need for control and domination, we want you to not only be the victim but ensure that you act as one and portray your status of victimhood at all times in your dealings with us, save when we decide to the contrary. The latter being usually for public appearances and the maintenance of the façade. We want and need to hear you reinstate your designated role. Of course this does not mean that you will declare that you are a victim, using those very words, because when we have you in our grasp you do not realise that you are indeed a victim. Instead we need to hear it through you stating certain phrases which amount to admissions that you are a victim. Understand that when you make these remarks you are fuelling us and also reinforcing the imbalance that exists between you and us.
- I am sorry.
- I just didn’t think.
- I don’t know what I am supposed to do.
- I can’t understand what you want.
- I can’t take this anymore.
- I will do anything for you.
- I just want this to work.
- I’m not giving up on us.
- I deserve better than this.
- Why are you doing this?
- Please stop.
- Please talk to me.
- Am I not good enough for you?
- Why is it only me that is treated like this?
- I just want to be happy.
- Tell me what you want from me.
- I didn’t realise.
- I always put you first.
- I want to make you happy.
- What’s happened to us?
28 thoughts on “20 Admissions of Victimhood”
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Every time I’ve escaped he has said almost all these phrases to ME! Would you say that’s classic Mid-Ranger victim Narc HG? He projected so much.
This is my longest NC so far (almost a week, not long, I know!) He dominates my thoughts every waking and sleeping hour. I hate what I now know he really is, but I still crave him so SO badly.
I’ve read Exorcism and your advice had helped me hugely HG, thank you 😊 but I put aside so much of my life for him that now I have very few distractions that I can fall back on to keep my mind off him, does anyone have tips on how they occupied their minds post escape? I’m somewhat desperate for affection but I know that seeking a new relationship will compound my issues and I’m probably at my most vulnerable to a new narc now 😕
HG, your work has saved me, given me all the answers when I was at my most desperate for the truth and helped me plan for my life post-narc, I am beyond grateful, thank you. And your work has attracted so many insightful readers, their stories too have helped further my knowledge and clear the paralysing fog I have been engulfed in. I’d like to thank them all too!
You are welcome.
😁 I’m delighted to hear that Indy has a distinctive laugh, mine too is usually commented upon, I’ve got a wide range for any occasion! I think Indy asks you some of the most interesting questions, and your honest responses are fascinating.
Having read through most of your back catalogue now HG, I only recently listened to an interview with you. Somehow (even though the information was largely what I had already read) hearing you say it really hit home more. Do you have plans for more audio? I think your message would hold much more impact and a wider audience if your teaching was in audio format.
I haven’t had a chance to listen to your radio 4 interview but I’m ecstatic that you’re getting to a wider audience, even if the program wasn’t as you might’ve hoped. Your work is so important and the more people you can reach the better!
Thank you Iris, I do intend to narrate my books, yes, it is on the to do list.
I had no preconception about the programme, I was pleased to be invited to participate, it opens up a further platform and it has created debate, reaction and comment which is an excellent response. It also nearly conveyed particular attitudes and perspectives with regards to the issues.
Iris
“does anyone have tips on how they occupied their minds post escape?”
I had moved into a new house. I threw myself into decorating and arranging things just like I wanted, working in my garden, focusing on my job and spending time with my friends and children, taking up new hobbies and pampering myself in ways I’d not been allowed to before (without ridicule and debilitating criticism).
It was still difficult and took me several years to get beyond occasional night crying. My best advice to you is to focus on yourself and keep your mind and time occupied.
Windstorm! I’ve been voraciously reading this blog and comment section for a while now, so forgive me for being a bit ‘fan girl’ that you’ve responded, but I’ve always enjoyed your comments and advice.
Thank you for your input, I am doing my best to fill my time, I’ve just planted a ton of spring bulbs to cheer me up in the coming weeks and I’m channeling a lot of my energy into work. I’m not good at treating myself but I’m trying 😁
My main feeling right now is emptiness, and I’ve recognised that that is something that has happened to me before, without the focus of a romantic relationship I tend to feel like what I do is pointless.
So your advice to focus on myself is crucial I think. If I can take anything good away from this nightmare of a relationship it’s that there are underlying issues I need to deal with that have been bought into sharp focus. I have a lot of work to do on understanding why I got into this mess and stayed in it despite having full knowledge of what he was and what he was doing from fairly early on.
I believe there’s a commenter called Indy, (another of my favourite commenters ☺️) who has mentioned DBT before and it sounds like something that might work for me. I can’t afford to see a therapist, I’d like to know if there’s any books she’d recommend? Not sure how comments work, could you give her a shout if she doesn’t get this Windstorm?!
Thank you again, it means a lot to me that you’ve taken the time to respond to me 🙂
Iris
Thank you, that was sweet and I appreciate it!
Indy is one of my favorite people, too, but she’s been gone a lot lately. Sometimes she reads, but stays silent, so maybe she will see your comment and respond. I have no way to contact her. You can search “Indy” and “dbt” on the blog and find past comments that might help. If you’ve been reading, hopefully you’ve made a note of what keys K has said to press when searching. If not, ask her and she’ll tell you.
There is a ton of stuff on DBT and other cognitive therapies online. You can also download books or purchase paper books from Amazon.
Mindfulness is very important. And you can practice that anytime, anywhere! There are even apps now that you can put on your phone. I’m fond of the app “Namaste” because it lets me “wipe away” things from my mind, but you can app shop for ones that suit you.
Best of luck and let me know how it goes! ❤️
That is a great path to start down! Strategies that promote mindfulness will benefit you the rest of your life.
Indy has been in touch with me in the last week by email. She is well and continues to read here. She is a valuable contributor and possesses a distinct laugh!
Thank you Windstorm ❤️ I didn’t realise you could search through the comments, I’ll do that and see if I can find any books that Indy has referenced.
Mindfulness has been something I’ve dipped into in the past (have you heard of Tara Brach? She’s a hero of mine, I’d highly recommend her podcasts) but unfortunately.. at the start of my entanglement with the narc I thought that mindfulness was the answer to dealing with my overwhelming feelings of jealousy when the narc triangulated me.
At the time I did not know that triangulation was a thing, later on I discovered that my gut was right, he was seeing her too, but instead of listening to that feeling I assumed it was my problem, that I needed to sort out my ‘jealousy issues’ and that it couldn’t possibly be that he was cheating on me 🙄. So I’d use RAIN (when dealing with difficult emotions- Recognise, Accept, Investigate, Non-identification -realising that your thoughts are not ‘truths’) to try and convince myself that it was all in my head, such mindfuckery 😔 So I’m somewhat sceptical now! But I’m better tuned in to my emotions and hopefully that won’t happen again.
Did you experience much triangulation? Along with the silent treatment it was the manipulation that I found most troubling.
I’m steadily feeling more positive and occupying my time pretty well. Fortunately he has given up on stalking me, for now, I think I wounded him badly enough that he’ll be very wary of attempting a hoover. But obviously, given the knowledge I now have, I know that’s not off the cards forever. The more time I have to build myself back up the easier it will be to resist the hoover.
Posting on here has definitely helped! I feel a sense of obligation- now that I’ve acknowledged my entanglement and stated that I don’t want to go back I feel like I can’t let you or HG down 😄 I know that’s not really how it works, but it helps me bolster my resolve, so thank you, even if that’s not your intention, I’m such a predictable empath!!
Understandable but that is a useful sense of obligation because it will secure your freedom.
Iris
Glad you’re to where you feel good making comments. I’ve never been much on remembering names. Don’t know if I’ve read Tara Brach or not. I’ve come across mindfulness techniques for decades. My first introduction was in Zen Buddhism. I do remember that author: Shunryu Suzuki, who wrote Zen Mind:Beginners Mind.
Triangulation is one of my Pretzel’s favorite things. Over the years he’s probably triangulated me with practically everything and everyone. It’s such a constant in our relationship that I just laugh when I realize he’s doing it anymore. And often he’s doing it as a joke – like triangulating me with inanimate objects. Nothing hurtful anymore, or he knows I’ll kick him out or leave.
I can remember, though, long ago when it would instantly rob me of my self-esteem and keep me miserable. He never had a sexual relationship with another woman (that I know of), but that didn’t keep him from triangulating me with every woman he could think of – how prettier, smarter, more successful, better dressed, funnier, nicer makeup – you name it, that she was than me. Not to mention constantly telling stories about things they did together, where they had lunch, conversations they had, ect. – you get the picture.
My mother used to triangulate me as a child, too, and it was very hurtful. I think the worst thing about triangulation is that it undermines your self-confidence. It makes you worry and feel insecure – at least it did me.
I found that the key to getting triangulation not to hurt is to truly not care what that person does. End the “relationship” aspect and move on with your life. That requires both physical distance and exorcising the person from your mind and emotions. That’s why HG is constantly saying GOSO. That’s the easiest way to do this.
Silent treatments never meant much to me. Pretzel never did silent treatments. I guess he figures he can get more fuel interacting with people. I came to enjoy silent treatments from family members since it was a break from having to deal with them. My Moron in Munich did them all the time and once I realized what they were, it just ticked me off to be disrespected that way. Silent treatments are really very condescending and arrogant. No one who really loves you would ever deliberately subject you to a silent treatment, in my opinion.
I think for me, projection was the most hurtful. I’m a truth teller and its my default setting to assume that when others tell me something, that they are being honest, like I would be. So when the people nearest and dearest to me used to say horrible, hurtful things to me, I would automatically believe them. I mean, who would know me better than my family, right?
It was my FIL who taught me what projection was. He told me whenever anyone says something hurtful to me, to immediately think, “Is this statement true of THEM?” If it was true of them, then odds are it was a projection. If it wasn’t true of them, how would it benefit them to say a hurtful lie to me? Could I see a benefit? Did them pulling down my self-esteem make them feel better or benefit them in any way? Learning how to spot and identify hurtful lies transformed my life.
Looking forward to reading more of your comments, Iris. Hope your week has gone well! ❤️
Iris
Ever presence is a bitch! I am so sorry you are going through withdrawals; it’s really painful. You are definitely vulnerable and that could quickly lead to another ensnarement. I occupied myself by reading and posting on narcsite until I felt better. My recovery was incremental and took about a year. Just read and post your way through the misery. It worked for me.
No contact + accurate information + time = a recovered individual.
Thank you K! Like I said to Windstorm, I’ve been reading this blog for some time now, it’s good to be interacting finally!
I certainly need to keep reminding myself of what I was dealing with so that I don’t get sucked back in. I’ve closed all communication doors, adjusted my life as much as is reasonable to avoid any chance of bumping into him, and he’s laaaaaazzzyyyy so I don’t think he’s gonna go too far out of his way to work out my new routine 😄
It truly is like an addiction, the craving gnaws away at me and I keep having to push away thoughts of contacting him. It’s almost funny how I try and justify it to myself! “..I could just go to his on my way home.. just a kiss to make me feel better.. I can just say I don’t want anything serious.. that could work” etc etc!
One day at a time I think, that’s how I’ll get through this. You guys and HG will hopefully keep me on the straight and narrow.
I will and by reading my work, your own logic will keep you on the straight and narrow.
Iris
The link in Indy’s comment contains a store that sells books about DBT.
Indy
OCTOBER 28, 2016 AT 19:14
Here you go FTW:
“Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a cognitive behavioral treatment that was originally developed to treat chronically suicidal individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and it is now recognized as the gold standard psychological treatment for this population. In addition, research has shown that it is effective in treating a wide range of other disorders such as substance dependence, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and eating disorders.” (Linehan)
A good place to start is exploring the website http://behavioraltech.org/resources/
Personally, I love DBT, breath and teach it and it is one of my theoretical orientations in the work I do. You learn 4 key things, how to practice mindfulness, how to regulate emotions, how to practice distress tolerance and increase interpersonal communication and relationship skills (i.e. how to say “no”, how to negotiate, etc).
I live by it, practice in my personal life to deal with depression (my beast), anxiety and, honestly, sh-t I can’t control. I like control and life has taught me a lot about how this causes suffering and learning to “let go” has increased peace in my life. It has also improved my ability to problem solve without compromising my personal values, such as standing up for myself when needed and letting go when needed.
https://narcsite.com/2016/10/26/30-shards-of-ice/comment-page-1/
My pleasure Iris
And welcome to the blog.
The addiction is awful and your emotional thinking feeds that addiction which causes you to want to engage with him. Focus on reading so you can slowly replace your ET with logic.
Keep up your no contact and beware; he may be lazy but when he wants some hoover fuel he will come knocking. This is definitely a one day at a time healing process and we are all here for you and we will make sure you stay on the straight and narrow.
I really liked this: “I deserve better than this.”
I had to think why that was showing that one was a victim. But it says the other person has indeed conquered us and we are now in a lower position that we should not be.
What are the best words to say then? “I keep wining, bitch!”
I really feel like this phrase: “I deserve better than this.”
But I will change my attitude and indeed state: #winning
haha 😀 Life is good
In hindsight, how important decisions in moments are.. I was the same in giving empathy, being non-judgmental etc. Now i’m hitting my head over wasted years. I thought during my twenties I could “just have experiences” with exciting people.
The insistence on such a destructive power imbalance is something I didn’t see coming. I thought you could have experiences with respect with narcissists but this must be the crossing between tertiary and secondary and primary etc.
HG is your opnion that sex and the narcissist and they way they express sex reflecting various experiences of sexual abuse? Or would evidence likely point to the trait existing at birth?
There may be a link between the sexual behaviour of a narcissist and earlier sexual abuse, I tend to come at the whole sexual dynamic as being representative of the totality of the abuse suffered at an earlier juncture, rather than picking say one behaviour in the now and linking it to one behaviour in the then, but that is not to say that there is no merit in that.
yes indeed my dear G. ALL of them…but I would have said them anyway even if He introduced himself as a narcissist. .. love doesn’t choose… love is above any disorders abnormalities – as there are no such things. everyone is different and everyone deserves to be loved…if only people were honest.
great article my dear x
My ex narc said many of those things to me. There where many red flags. I didn’t trust him because he told me how he used to be a user, passive aggressive and emotional vampire. He told me he’s not like that anymore because he realized acting that way only make things worse and made him end up alone. I asked him how can I expect to be treated any different. He simply told me he’d treat me different because he liked me.
Very early he told me he was neglected by both parents and sexually and physically abused by him moms second husbands son for years. That of course made me feel terrible for him and even tho I didn’t trust him, I had empathy and didn’t want to judge him on his past and give him a chance. I was living in the moment and jaded already. He also told me a girl he was in love with had not allowed him to touch her only to hold her in bed. He traveled 2 hours to see her every week end. He told me about a girl who tried to pass someone elses’ baby off as his. It caused me to feel bad for him. He treated me good in some aspects and no so good in others which I thought was normal. No relationship is 100% perfect.
He sexually used and neglected me for our entire relationship. He had erectile dysfunction and finished too fast so I choose to/ had to cater to his needs before my own. We always used lubrication. No matter how patient, and giving and adventurous I was, no matter how his staying hard issue went away, he never wanted to return the favor in any of the ways we had initially talked about.
Early on, he suggested a few things which I happily agreed to. They mysteriously never happened, despite reminders. He also frequently asked me what I wanted. I asked for foreplay and some extra things. I am extremely shy so it was embarrassing for me to tell him, but I did, only for him to never give it to me. I stopped asking for the extra things and only asked for the foreplay. He still always ignored. He gave me excuses like he was ‘afraid it would become too routine’, that it ‘doesn’t feel right’, and that he simply ‘forgot’ or ‘seem forced’ i never really believe it.
Every month I would get depressed to the point of tears for feeling used, undesirable, not worth the effort, neglected, unattractive, angry, frustrated and devastated in front of him. He would appear unmoved. We would talk about it and he’d promise to do better. But it would diminish to nothing in a week end. He’d touched me like I have a disease when he did touch me. I even had to ask repeatedly for making out and kisses on the neck. He never kissed my breasts which is incidentally the ‘ridged demand’ that I had ‘stressed him out’ to the point where he ‘could not organically and fulfillingly make love to his girlfriend.’
He always told me I was pretty, gorgeous and sexy for my age, 35. They felt like backhanded complements. He never made me feel sexy. He would talk about how gross other girls body parts where and how he refused to touch them or let them kiss him. I began to think I was gross too. He coerced me out of my shirt early in the relationship which lead me to believe he did wanted a sexual relationship with me. I tried to break up with him in June because I felt so undesirable but he lured me back with false promises. He also suggested we stop having sex. I loved pleasing him and it felt like a slap in the face. It’s like he denies me sexual acts I’d like and the foreplay it self, then on to of it, he wants to take way the happiness I get from pleasing him too.
Up to the very end he told me he ‘never knew why he never did what I asked.’ He said those quoted words above. He said some things on the victim hood list like;
I can’t take this anymore.
I want to make you happy.
I’m sorry.
Why are you doing this over something so small?
Am I not good enough for you in all the other ways?
I don’t know what I am supposed to do.
I can’t understand what you want.
All through the 10 months of our relationship, I was communicating clearly, depressed in tears, used and neglected.
I left him just this month, no contact.
Thank you for sharing that Jessica, it covers many points which are used to gain fuel in the sexual arena between narcissist and victim. If you haven’t already, you ought to read Sex and the Narcissist as this will shed a lot of light on why he treated you in the way he did and most of all it will reinforce that none of it was your fault. His behaviour was all about gaining fuel and exerting control, the future-faking, the projection and the blame shifting. As i read what you had posted I scribbled down the various manipulations which manifested through sex. They are numerous. How are you managing no contact? Have you experienced any hoovers?
‘You are my world and I revolve around you.’
‘I exist solely to please you.’
‘Your wish is my command’… Oh wait, that was the Genie in Aladdin. But he had the right idea.
I don’t ever remember feeling like a victim during the relationship. I didn’t think her behavior was normal but excused them because I thought she was abused her whole life.
When I started reading the lists HG put out I was shocked to see that all my words and statements to her were just like he listed. But it validated that the relationship was toxic and I was indeed a victim. I said many of those all through the relationship but I also heard them for the first time from her at our final goodbye.
I will do anything for you
I’m not giving up on us
Why are you doing this
I want to make you happy
What happened to us
It was ironic how the coin had flipped. it was one moment in that two hours I wasn’t crying. She seemed desperate and knew she was losing. I saw the fake tears too.
how are you doing now snow white? stay strong
Hi Amanda!
I’m doing much better. Thanks for asking.
HG gets all the credit. I have learned soo much about life and personalities here.
This was and is my best therapy.
I have said most of those. It pains me to remember how it felt to say those things. The best admission is something like “this is impossible-I cannot handle this” then go. Followed by no contact no matter how you feel. So easy to say. The barrage of emotion after cutting off contact is unreal. Still subjugation while less painful is much more damaging. Better to hire someone to lock you in a room with no phone to keep you from calling the Narc after breaking off.
I find these lists of phrases and tactics quite fascinating. Because inevitably, I have seen all of these so-called “desired” behaviors that the narc supposedly craves from the empath actually enacted by the narc himself, towards the empath. Which I now realize is a tactic in and of itself to make the empath feel like they are victimizing the narc, which will thereby alter the empath’s behavior that is undesired by the narc by making the empath feel badly for “victimizing” the narc.
Very very subversive and just… wrong. Just so wrong. And extremely tactically useful. Thanks for this type of invaluable info.