20 Admissions of Victimhood


There are many things that my kind like you to say. We want to hear your praise, your affection, your love and your adoration. We want to hear your anger, your frustration, your upset and your vitriol. You hear words. We hear emotions which fuel us and cause the powering flames to burn fiercer and higher. When you become ensnared by one of our kind, we make you a victim of our range of machinations. As part of this entrapment we aim to have you provide us with fuel and this is done by causing you to say certain things to us. We are obsessed with the concept of our status, our superiority and our power. We must always ensure that you are inferior to us, that we are in control and that you are obedient. If we ever feel that this imbalance is slipping, then we will fight to maintain it. We are the conqueror you are the conquered. In keeping with this need for control and domination, we want you to not only be the victim but ensure that you act as one and portray your status of victimhood at all times in your dealings with us, save when we decide to the contrary. The latter being usually for public appearances and the maintenance of the façade. We want and need to hear you reinstate your designated role. Of course this does not mean that you will declare that you are a victim, using those very words, because when we have you in our grasp you do not realise that you are indeed a victim. Instead we need to hear it through you stating certain phrases which amount to admissions that you are a victim. Understand that when you make these remarks you are fuelling us and also reinforcing the imbalance that exists between you and us.

  1. I am sorry.
  2. I just didn’t think.
  3. I don’t know what I am supposed to do.
  4. I can’t understand what you want.
  5. I can’t take this anymore.
  6. I will do anything for you.
  7. I just want this to work.
  8. I’m not giving up on us.
  9. I deserve better than this.
  10. Why are you doing this?
  11. Please stop.
  12. Please talk to me.
  13. Am I not good enough for you?
  14. Why is it only me that is treated like this?
  15. I just want to be happy.
  16. Tell me what you want from me.
  17. I didn’t realise.
  18. I always put you first.
  19. I want to make you happy.
  20. What’s happened to us?

12 thoughts on “20 Admissions of Victimhood”

  1. I really liked this: “I deserve better than this.”
    I had to think why that was showing that one was a victim. But it says the other person has indeed conquered us and we are now in a lower position that we should not be.

    What are the best words to say then? “I keep wining, bitch!”

    I really feel like this phrase: “I deserve better than this.”

    But I will change my attitude and indeed state: #winning
    haha 😀 Life is good

  2. In hindsight, how important decisions in moments are.. I was the same in giving empathy, being non-judgmental etc. Now i’m hitting my head over wasted years. I thought during my twenties I could “just have experiences” with exciting people.
    The insistence on such a destructive power imbalance is something I didn’t see coming. I thought you could have experiences with respect with narcissists but this must be the crossing between tertiary and secondary and primary etc.
    HG is your opnion that sex and the narcissist and they way they express sex reflecting various experiences of sexual abuse? Or would evidence likely point to the trait existing at birth?

    1. There may be a link between the sexual behaviour of a narcissist and earlier sexual abuse, I tend to come at the whole sexual dynamic as being representative of the totality of the abuse suffered at an earlier juncture, rather than picking say one behaviour in the now and linking it to one behaviour in the then, but that is not to say that there is no merit in that.

  3. yes indeed my dear G. ALL of them…but I would have said them anyway even if He introduced himself as a narcissist. .. love doesn’t choose… love is above any disorders abnormalities – as there are no such things. everyone is different and everyone deserves to be loved…if only people were honest.
    great article my dear x

  4. My ex narc said many of those things to me. There where many red flags. I didn’t trust him because he told me how he used to be a user, passive aggressive and emotional vampire. He told me he’s not like that anymore because he realized acting that way only make things worse and made him end up alone. I asked him how can I expect to be treated any different. He simply told me he’d treat me different because he liked me.

    Very early he told me he was neglected by both parents and sexually and physically abused by him moms second husbands son for years. That of course made me feel terrible for him and even tho I didn’t trust him, I had empathy and didn’t want to judge him on his past and give him a chance. I was living in the moment and jaded already. He also told me a girl he was in love with had not allowed him to touch her only to hold her in bed. He traveled 2 hours to see her every week end. He told me about a girl who tried to pass someone elses’ baby off as his. It caused me to feel bad for him. He treated me good in some aspects and no so good in others which I thought was normal. No relationship is 100% perfect.

    He sexually used and neglected me for our entire relationship. He had erectile dysfunction and finished too fast so I choose to/ had to cater to his needs before my own. We always used lubrication. No matter how patient, and giving and adventurous I was, no matter how his staying hard issue went away, he never wanted to return the favor in any of the ways we had initially talked about.

    Early on, he suggested a few things which I happily agreed to. They mysteriously never happened, despite reminders. He also frequently asked me what I wanted. I asked for foreplay and some extra things. I am extremely shy so it was embarrassing for me to tell him, but I did, only for him to never give it to me. I stopped asking for the extra things and only asked for the foreplay. He still always ignored. He gave me excuses like he was ‘afraid it would become too routine’, that it ‘doesn’t feel right’, and that he simply ‘forgot’ or ‘seem forced’ i never really believe it.

    Every month I would get depressed to the point of tears for feeling used, undesirable, not worth the effort, neglected, unattractive, angry, frustrated and devastated in front of him. He would appear unmoved. We would talk about it and he’d promise to do better. But it would diminish to nothing in a week end. He’d touched me like I have a disease when he did touch me. I even had to ask repeatedly for making out and kisses on the neck. He never kissed my breasts which is incidentally the ‘ridged demand’ that I had ‘stressed him out’ to the point where he ‘could not organically and fulfillingly make love to his girlfriend.’

    He always told me I was pretty, gorgeous and sexy for my age, 35. They felt like backhanded complements. He never made me feel sexy. He would talk about how gross other girls body parts where and how he refused to touch them or let them kiss him. I began to think I was gross too. He coerced me out of my shirt early in the relationship which lead me to believe he did wanted a sexual relationship with me. I tried to break up with him in June because I felt so undesirable but he lured me back with false promises. He also suggested we stop having sex. I loved pleasing him and it felt like a slap in the face. It’s like he denies me sexual acts I’d like and the foreplay it self, then on to of it, he wants to take way the happiness I get from pleasing him too.

    Up to the very end he told me he ‘never knew why he never did what I asked.’ He said those quoted words above. He said some things on the victim hood list like;
    I can’t take this anymore.
    I want to make you happy.
    I’m sorry.
    Why are you doing this over something so small?
    Am I not good enough for you in all the other ways?
    I don’t know what I am supposed to do.
    I can’t understand what you want.

    All through the 10 months of our relationship, I was communicating clearly, depressed in tears, used and neglected.
    I left him just this month, no contact.

    1. Thank you for sharing that Jessica, it covers many points which are used to gain fuel in the sexual arena between narcissist and victim. If you haven’t already, you ought to read Sex and the Narcissist as this will shed a lot of light on why he treated you in the way he did and most of all it will reinforce that none of it was your fault. His behaviour was all about gaining fuel and exerting control, the future-faking, the projection and the blame shifting. As i read what you had posted I scribbled down the various manipulations which manifested through sex. They are numerous. How are you managing no contact? Have you experienced any hoovers?

  5. ‘You are my world and I revolve around you.’
    ‘I exist solely to please you.’
    ‘Your wish is my command’… Oh wait, that was the Genie in Aladdin. But he had the right idea.

  6. I don’t ever remember feeling like a victim during the relationship. I didn’t think her behavior was normal but excused them because I thought she was abused her whole life.
    When I started reading the lists HG put out I was shocked to see that all my words and statements to her were just like he listed. But it validated that the relationship was toxic and I was indeed a victim. I said many of those all through the relationship but I also heard them for the first time from her at our final goodbye.
    I will do anything for you
    I’m not giving up on us
    Why are you doing this
    I want to make you happy
    What happened to us
    It was ironic how the coin had flipped. it was one moment in that two hours I wasn’t crying. She seemed desperate and knew she was losing. I saw the fake tears too.

      1. Hi Amanda!
        I’m doing much better. Thanks for asking.
        HG gets all the credit. I have learned soo much about life and personalities here.
        This was and is my best therapy.

  7. I have said most of those. It pains me to remember how it felt to say those things. The best admission is something like “this is impossible-I cannot handle this” then go. Followed by no contact no matter how you feel. So easy to say. The barrage of emotion after cutting off contact is unreal. Still subjugation while less painful is much more damaging. Better to hire someone to lock you in a room with no phone to keep you from calling the Narc after breaking off.

  8. I find these lists of phrases and tactics quite fascinating. Because inevitably, I have seen all of these so-called “desired” behaviors that the narc supposedly craves from the empath actually enacted by the narc himself, towards the empath. Which I now realize is a tactic in and of itself to make the empath feel like they are victimizing the narc, which will thereby alter the empath’s behavior that is undesired by the narc by making the empath feel badly for “victimizing” the narc.

    Very very subversive and just… wrong. Just so wrong. And extremely tactically useful. Thanks for this type of invaluable info.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.