The Carrier Empath

the-carrier-empath

The Carrier Empath. A particular type of empathetic individual who naturally gains the attention of our kind. As I have explained before, our kind are drawn to empathetic individuals who fall within one of the classes of empath. Those classes consist of The Empath, The Super Empath and The Co-Dependent. The Carrier Empath is a particular division of those classes and therefore can be found amidst any of those classes. The Carrier Empath is not a stand-alone form of empath but rather is embodied by exhibiting Carrier tendencies which “bolt on” to the relevant class of empathic individual.

The Carrier Empath shoulders, more than others, the emotional burden. This person rarely talks about themselves, although they have much they could talk about, either as a consequence of their natural intelligence which lends itself to considerable discourse, their ability to connect with people and engage in what could be termed as small talk so people are put at ease or because of their extensive experiences they have much they could share with other people. The Carrier Empath does not see it as necessary to talk about themselves. All empaths are good listeners, it is one of the empathic traits which our kind look for, but the Carrier Empath is a superlative listener. Exhibiting considerable patience, he or she will sit and listen to the woes and problems of others. They do not jump to conclusions, as many people would, instinctively forming a view of the person they are engaging with, within moments of meeting. Instead, the Carrier Empath is able to resist making an early judgement about this person and will listen to what they have to say, so they can best work out how to assist. The Carrier Empath knows full well that sometimes just being listened to is the best thing for another person.

Those with Carrier tendencies are work-like in their approach, reliable, organised and effective when facing pressure. They regard it as their role to take on responsibility for others and struggle to determine the boundary of when they should not do so. They are unable to avoid taking on other people’s issues and problems and feel a need to assist but to do so through actions and a practical application of their compassion, honesty, decency and understanding.

The Carrier Empath is not a person who overflows with emotion but is certainly not devoid of it. Their emotion does not appear in surges and spikes, histrionic reactions as a consequence of the situation which they find themselves in but rather as a steady and reliable provider of fuel through their evident compassion and supportive nature. Whilst caught in the dizzying devaluation, some empaths will find themselves despairing and having up days and down days whilst they experience the push and pull behaviours, the Carrier Empath adopts a stoic approach. Inside he or she may be churning but they do their best to maintain a brave face as they seek to remain dependable and forging forward. This person is solid and dependable. They are not a dullard, but they do not shine and glow like other empathic individuals. They are grounded, practical, pragmatic and excellent problem solvers.

The Carrier Empath is unable to leave responsibility with others. They regard it as their task to be responsible for other people and they rarely judge the flaws of others, but rather see it as an opportunity for them to shoulder the burden. They will remain with those who suffer from addictions, seeing it as part of their obligation to remain and fight the fight on behalf of the afflicted. The Carrier Empath readily takes on the problems of others and will do so even when this becomes a drain on his or her resources, such as time and money. They may have somewhere they need to be but if the telephone call is continuing because the caller needs help and assistance, the Carrier Empath will continue to listen.

There is a strong sense of obligation on the part of the Carrier Empath. Whilst empaths as whole feel obligation, the empath will assist because they feel good about doing so, in a way, they gain a form of their own fuel from helping others. The Co-Dependent will usually help because he or she has to do so, being of a  giving nature in order to find validation for themselves in terms of their place in the order of things. The Super Empath relished the challenge that is presented and regards it as an opportunity to exhibit their powers. Layer the Carrier Empath onto any of those classes and you add a complexion of obligation – the relevant class of empath does it because that is what should be done, that is the right thing to do and they have an obligation to care. They will recognise that the task in hand may be difficult, they will note that it will drain them but their fearsome sense of duty causes them to be the first to volunteer and the last to give up.

This division of empathic individual is certainly compassionate but approaches matters in a practical manner rather than “hearts and flowers” and whilst they will certainly use words to comfort, to support and to show empathy they prefer to rely on actions. If someone is suffering, rather than hand out tea and sympathy, the Carrier Empath will assume the mantle of the problem themselves and tackle it head on. They are especially apt at standing in the shoes of somebody in order to absorb the blast on behalf of someone who is struggling or wants their help. They are the proverbial person who would take a bullet.

The Carrier Empath has significant reserves of inner strength but is unable to regulate the use of this strength, since they tend to be blinded by their need to resolve the problem (often expecting no assistance at all from the person being helped) and therefore they will keep going until they have depleted their resources and a sudden collapse ensues.

Such individuals are prized by our kind, but by certain narcissists in particular. There is the provision of fuel, that has to always be there, but it does not always fountain from the Carrier Empath. Greaters tend not to choose those with Carrier Empath tendencies as a primary source because the gushing appreciation is not the style of the Carrier Empath, furthermore, the Greater tends to be more resourceful and therefore has less need of this element of the Carrier Empath. Instead, the Carrier Empath is desired by the Lesser and Mid-Range schools and especially so by the Victim Narcissist.

The Victim Narcissist derives fuel from the provision of care and compassion. His less impressive countenance is not one which results in gushing praise and over-the-top appreciation. Accordingly, the exhibition of care and compassion gives him the fuel he wants plus the residual benefits he requires and this is always preferable to the empath who gushes with praise but does little in the way of practical care. Thus those with Carrier tendencies are more suited to the Victim Narcissist.

Furthermore, the Carrier Empath comes with considerable residual benefits in terms of the provision of caring for someone with poor health, dealing with chores and problems on that person’s behalf, providing food, shelter, money and such like and therefore this raft of residual benefits appeals to Lesser Narcissists in particular and naturally the Victim Narcissist from the Lesser School.

The Carrier’s capacity for “taking the bullet” results in them also having appeal to the Mid-Range Narcissist. The passive aggressive Mid-Range Narcissist who finds that he is not able to get his way with a third party will invariably turn to the Carrier Empath to step up on his or her behalf and get the problem sorted. If weakened from a lack of fuel and potential criticism from this third party, the Mid-Range will turn to the Carrier Empath to make everything alright again and the Carrier Empath will dutifully attend to his.

During devaluation the Carrier Empath is wounded and confused by the manipulations used against him or her, but their sense of duty carries them forward and they will often fall victim to the narcissist’s capacity to blame others. Accordingly, if the narcissist blames his outburst on being overworked, the Carrier Empath will accept this explanation and will look at ways of alleviating the load on the narcissist, by taking more on him or herself or even going so far as to challenge the boss of the narcissist to secure a reduction in workload. The narcissist knows that with a Carrier Empath he can in effect point that person in the direction of a problem and the Carrier Empath will march into battle on his behalf. Again, this is why the Greater has less of a need for those with Carrier tendencies and why those of a Lesser or Mid-Range school have more reliance on the Carrier.

Devaluation causes those with Carrier tendencies to battle on in the hope of resolving the narcissist’s problems. The Carrier is less inclined to blame themselves. They do not see themselves as the cause of the problems which the narcissist alludes to during devaluation, but rather only blame themselves for not resolving those problems. The Carrier is blinded to understanding that there is no fix, but regards every problem as having a solution which will, with the right application of energy and resource, eventually present itself. The worse the narcissist becomes during devaluation, the more those with the Carrier tendency will apply themselves to trying to sort the problem out and usually identifies an external source (wrongly) as the source of the problem and is ultimately sent on a wild goose chase trying to tackle this external source whilst the problems continue unabated.

If the relevant narcissist does not have a primary source with Carrier tendencies it is likely that one will be recruited as a secondary source. This is more likely with the Greater who will prefer the primary source to be fountaining with fuel (rather than providing a host of residual benefits) and to have a secondary source who can be turned to as and when required, perhaps at moments of crisis, to be utilised for their Carrier traits. Whilst the Lesser and Mid-Range narcissist and especially the Victim Narcissist cadre of those two schools will want a Carrier Empath as a primary source, the Greater will position one as a secondary source since they make excellent Lieutenants.

It is common to find that the scape-goated child of a narcissist, if they avoid becoming a narcissist  themselves, tends to exhibit strong Carrier tendencies because they realise that by getting things done, having to attend to their own needs because the narcissistic parent has abandoned their duties at an early stage and also having to parent the narcissistic parent, is the most effective method of surviving. They care but do so without “showiness” and deliver in a practical and dependable manner.

It is also worth noting that as some narcissists age they will gravitate more to securing a primary source who is a Carrier Empath. Though fuel remains important, the need for the residual benefits becomes increasingly important for those narcissists who see their looks fading, their mobility decreasing and therefore suffer a reduction in their ability to charm and attract. Of course, this is not applicable to all of our kind, since many become distinguished with age, have the magnetism that comes from financial power and their innate charisma and sharp mind remain undulled. However, for those that see the waning of their powers, the Carrier Empath becomes more attractive to them.

 

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56 thoughts on “The Carrier Empath”

  1. I’m lost on this one. So if I am a carrier empath, and that’s what it seems according to your description, I will be stuck with more like my ex? An eternity physical abuse?

    No thank you, boring is starting to look great right about now.

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    1. I don’t think you are necessarily a carrier DC and it does not mean you will automatically be stuck with more like your ex, you may attract them but you have the tools at your disposal to evade them and choose wisely.

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      1. I have the tools but will I fall back into the same pattern of feeling sorry for them and allowing them to push so far that I end up in the same position?! Yes and NO because I will NOT stick around and they will see the fury within this dragoness.

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  2. which sounds logical because as people age, needs become different evem those of a N and the carrier sounds fitting for the golden age . Very good explanations on empaths and Cods.

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  3. As soon as you said,
    “The Carrier Empath is not a person who overflows with emotion”, I knew I wasn’t one.
    You would definitely want me for my flowing fuel rather than my residual benefits.
    Enjoying all the different categories.
    Still don’t know which one I am. You always know more than I do HG.

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    1. I guess that wouldn’t apply to me either but I’m great at hiding my emotions with certain people, I can be very cut and dry if necessary. I guess this is why this confuses me on the carrier part.
      I do admit that I cannot fully hide my emotions with those that hold my heart. This is why no contact is best.

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  4. Yes I believe a life of boring is in order, I have no desire to repeat what was between my husband and I. By your discriptions I could fit in any category, one more then the others.
    Very informative HG, your timing with questions I have yet to ask. At times I would swear you read minds.

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  5. Hi HG,
    Feeling empowered lately, more so even. And, I’m glad you are expanding on your view of various types of potential targets! I enjoy reading your conceptualizations on types of narcicists and targets. They have added to my views and at the same time challenge me and my views as well. I feel us targets are seen as weak or as victims and, like you, do not relish that. I’d like to also see some strong kick butt classifications of targets, though I also realize we have weak points in us that draw narcicists in and if we were too kick butt, it might take too much fuel to get us…..it’s hard to admit though…and I also believe in healing and getting stronger from both sides.

    Do you think I fall in this category based on what I’ve shared? I’m sensing I may fall into this, though I also feel very strong. Curious how you see it. I know I can always find another label for myself, if I wish 😜

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    1. Hi Indy, it is the case that what may seem weak can actually manifest as a strength and vice versa, based on the differing perspectives that I mention. There will follow this week a set of articles about the different empath tendencies which apply to the empath,super empath and co-dependent and therefore before I give you my view as to the category you may belong to, you may wish to wait and read the forthcoming articles to form your own view.

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      1. Gracias!!!! I will keep my eyes peeled. Where in the world did that saying come from, kind of a creepy saying 👀

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      2. It comes from pilled, which comes from pillaged, but pilled meant as peeled does now, to remove a layer, so it means remove anything that might stop you seeing clearly in order to be vigilant and aware.

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  6. DC and DFA,
    Maybe we need to redefine fun and exciting? I recall Hearing in 12 step groups that addicts are often saying, well drinking (or whatever your poison is) was the only way they knew for fun. Sponsors often recommend redefining fun and getting new “playgrounds and playmates”. We need to find our pack! There’s hope, I believe it!!!
    🙃😊🙃😊

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    1. He he he Indy, I am basket of fun…even at home on my own BUT I can’t seem to get away from that unnecessary attention… Sometimes I feel like I just want to hide inside my place… away from public view lol. But then again I want to go out and have fun too!

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      1. There is no shame in that, girl! 😊And, i think there are different paths. For me, I have a pattern and need to work on parts of me that draw this to me and my draw to these high intensity loves and minds. I have several exes (3) that were addicted to something and at least 2 that were narcicists. I have to look at my rescue urges. Outside of those relationships I spent 10 years dating, having fun, finding adventure and it was great and I felt on top of my life. Then I met my recent ex. After this last serious relationship with a man with a higher level of narcissism, I am wary. He messed with my mind in ways I didn’t think was possible. I developed trauma like symptoms from gas lighting and emotional abuse and anxiety that was off the chart. His stalking and Hoover attempts have been so frequent that it has shaken me. Thank god I never moved in and left before our 2 yr anniversary. Thank goodness for all the support I have had with family, friends, colleagues and here on a HGs blog as well as his guidance through his responses and books. I’m feeling stronger now, less fogged, less anxious and more me, finally. I know I need to be alone and heal. Find my inner goddess and warrioress again. I see her peeking out and it feels wonderful. Still scared to date, honestly. Maybe people are drawn to you by your beautiful light and soul. That’s ok, just be sure to keep those boundaries and keep what you’ve learned here close ❤️️💜💙💚

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      2. It is peaceful knowing that you do have support and that you are learning what is good for you and not…what you need to heal and so forth.
        I don’t know if I’m healing or not, I do what I want when I want. It is liberating. I am finally getting back in touch with my friends who have been distant Facebook friends for years because it was best. I do enjoy my freedom but I do miss so many sweet moments that were shared too. I give the exN a lot of heat for what he’s done but for eight years I can tell you it wasn’t all crying in the rain or I’d never have stayed that long. We worked well together but he allowed the Hulk to come out too many times. I was okay picking up the broken pieces, ignoring the Bs that flowed from his mouth, the flirting was punished by karma, not me and the silent treatments were my short bit of freedom. The make ups were always wonderful and placed me right back on the cloud I fell from but this time he made the cloud disappear. It will never be foggy and I will never be his light…
        I am hard headed and have a tendency to leave my gate open. I think my eyes tend to look past what’s right in front of me, not on purpose but I always want to give the benefit of the doubt. We all have flaws and I don’t want to pass judgement on anyone. I know my weaknesses and I know my strengths but sometimes that’s what gets me into trouble.
        I try to keep my eyes wide open but the reality of it is that I’ll find myself with someone who will take me away to the same utopian paradise I live in, in my own mind…more like I’ll take them there. Will I ever learn? Probably not until I plant my feet in the ground…which I doubt will ever happen, I like it up here! 😘
        Here’s a great song… I already know my demise…
        https://youtu.be/K9q681qAYSY

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  7. Yes Indy, it is a must I have been redefining fun, and rediscovering myself. Maybe we will all find our pack, yet here, here with HG we all have something we never did before. HG, his books, blog, and a place to learn.

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  8. Hmmm interesting. I identify with this description much more than other things I’ve read, which try to force me into a codependent box. Which I don’t even remotely identify with.

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  9. That’s me, but with reluctance.
    Most of what you say is correct however sometimes we are doing it for instance to survive rather than from wanting to achieve something with the narc. It might be that we are not really taking the relationship seriously but enjoy some parts of it enough to participate for a time to have the experience. It literally is “getting a machine rolling” without time for emotions, as that was our experience with matrinarc who struggled to function. I have always been able to enjoy myself a lot with narcs but do not see the extent of the blow coming and then I wallow without asking for help until I can get up again.
    The personality “carrier empath” is a prosthetic one masking all of the lack in our early environment. We are rewarded by narcs for seeing what they lack and becoming it. It is the drive for justice and balance in a lawless world. A part of this I experience is being masculine and doing masculine things because my brother and father failed at being honourable men. Another aspect of it is mirroring the narcissist’s personality back to them as this was the only way to interact, which a growing child needs. Matrinarc devalues anything outside the range of her mask and child who wants a connection must pretend to be like her whilst also preserving their self from danger, hence, a control of rare strength develops to manage the swing between the two. This results in the carrier empath’s “enabling at arm’s length” role.
    I did this all my life and at 25 collapsed from the effort and the grief of what I never had.
    We are rewarded and encouraged to ‘be strong’ in this role, which is really allowing the narc to be lazy, and other parts of our personalities do not grow because they are not watered (or even looked at).
    It wasn’t until I was educated from you HG that I understand they always knew what they were doing. Permission to leave. Wish I had left my family in my teens and never looked back. I thought (and they convinced so thoroughly) I was essential to them and they cared about my best interests. Distastrous waste of life.

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  10. Learn something new everyday. Idk if this is me or no. What say you? I’m still trying to make peace with the facf that I could even be an empath. I look forward to learning much more from you.

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      1. Ugh, Indy. I wonder if there is a telepathic empath. I was thinking a lot about N2 after they announced Trump as the winner. Lo and behold a BFH text appeared this morning. They never leave!!! 🙁

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      2. Hi 1J1,
        I have had those weird telepathic moments as well. And, I will not be owned. I am feeling empowered today. I will not let any man, any human, destroy my ability to live and be free. This will not destroy us. We are greater people than that, as women and as a country.

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  11. I know you are but what am I? I have yet to find myself in your posts on Empaths. Holy cow, I have no identity. I have no label.

    I am the Matrix,

    I am the Eggman, I am the Walrus

    I AM the neon light, not one above my head, flickering, buzzing.

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    1. AH OH..I don’t identify either. This is the closest that i have come and it is a sub class…which means I belong.to one of the others and I don’t.

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      1. I am over it. I am all of them and none of them. I have my basic personality but at the end of the day what matters the most is myself.
        My hand can only be bit so many times before I bite back. It is not too often I let my hand out there.

        So am I an Empath? Yes, but I only feel the pain of animals, very little of people.

        I think when the weirdo I got involved with (subsequently brought me to this site)did what he did, I was more disappointed as it confirmed my belief that we are just bags of shits and the virus on this earth is our species.
        I really do not look at myself as a bag of shit but I am very capable of being one. But my shit does not stink, I forgot to mention this.
        Bottom line, people suck. I like my solitude.
        Now, off to the gym and then to get my delicious botox. I wish I could mainline the stuff.

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  12. I don’t understand how you do this HG, but I’m exactly the Carrier Empath and sometimes I even feel guilty about that: am I trying to be like a saint? And it’s true – I kind of get fuel from helping other people. Week ago my workmate called me and I spent 4 hours listening her problems and tried to make sure she is not alone with her problems. I also wanted to save my marriage with a covert narcissist, but once I understood her condition and I spent tens of hours to make sure there is nothing I can do, I have just tried to survive with her constant negative and accusing emails, whatsapp messages and so on. She tries to get me and our son separated and has sued me. Still helping her parents, helping other people and trying to learn setting up boundaries. On the other hand, I don’t often feel like other people use me as it brings me some sort of internal peace to be good to other people and I’m sure this tendency does not hurt anyone. I’m not expecting to get anything back as I’m satisfied with internal satisfaction – knowing I’m doing no harm.

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  13. “It is common to find that the scape-goated child of a narcissist, if they avoid becoming a narcissist themselves, tends to exhibit strong Carrier tendencies because they realise that by getting things done, having to attend to their own needs because the narcissistic parent has abandoned their duties at an early stage and also having to parent the narcissistic parent, is the most effective method of surviving…”

    Very insightful! You do a great service in many ways but particularly in this instance by highlighting the scape-goated child of a narcissist and their “carrier tendencies”. I believe I fit in this category. Those of us who can identify have many strengths which can help us navigate away from the narcissist’s grasp, but we must first truly see that we are not helping anyone by continuing this outdated pattern.

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  14. I have been trying like crazy to figure myself out and what it is about me that attracts the Lesser and Mid-rangers. Forever I was thinking maybe he isn’t a narcissist because if he were he wouldn’t keep coming back to me. I don’t have all that glorious fuel you speak of. I don’t cry, I don’t show a ton of emotion, I don’t let a lot of things get to me, and I don’t open up much about myself, I just listen. Oh and what you said about addictions. It seems like everyone around me is an addict. I must fit into this category, it would explain a lot. Thank you so much for posting this. This helps more than you will ever know.

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  15. It was really just a coincidence, HG, says the logic mind. My other mind says, “Bwahaha…i know…let me enter your mind too, HG” I do the Tarot…on you…I do it on me too. I should do it on him too. Since a really strange coincidence happened, not so much. Your reading disappeared. I still have it on paper.

    The Twilight Zone song resonates.

    The thing is that the meme was so funny that I still alkost responded. BOO.

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  16. This post has finally given me the answer I’ve been searching my mind for as to why the ex-MN’s wife has stayed with him for so many years (18 yrs). They have the strangest relationship (very robotic it seems) and now I think I get why. This post describes her to a “T” and it helps me to understand why she will never leave him and the possible reason as to why she’s willing to endure so much abuse from him. Speaking of which, HG, what is the golden/devaluation period like for the Carrier Empath (spouse) once the Mid-range/Greater Narc (I can’t decide what he is yet) discarded me (8 mos. ago) after nearly 5 years? The reason I ask is because this lady is 54 years old and she seriously looks to be 70. For as long as I’ve known her (abt 16 yrs) she’s looked so sad, so haggard, and so drained of life and it’s only gotten worse. She’s the type who will never admit to being in an abusive marriage and she most definitely has that stoic approach. She does not show much in the way of emotion to the outside world and I just wonder what it might be like for her in private.

    HG, I’d really like to learn more about infidelity, in it’s entirety, and how each type of victim is effected by the different types of Narcs. I’m not quite sure what I’m really wanting to know, but whatever you can offer from your perspective relating to the topic would be greatly appreciated. I find myself thinking a lot more about the wife now than I do the ex-Narc and I honestly think it could be extremely helpful for my healing process, which includes learning to accept what the process is between them, since being discarded. I know it’s not something I should concern myself with anymore, but that’s easier said than done.

    Thank you so much for this post, it was extremely valuable information for me.

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    1. You are welcome Sharon. You can learn more about infidelity in the book Sex and the Narcissist.

      The golden period has no set period and extends from several months to potentially years,although a long period, when in the context of a primary source is rarer.
      The devaluation period can last many many years as it will be punctuated by Respite Periods. The lady you mention will be enduring a lengthy devaluation but will not want to escape it, she probably has no idea what she is dealing with.

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      1. Thank you so much, HG. I’m reading Sex and The Narcissist now. I have gained so much knowledge from reading many of your books and my goal is to collect them all.

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  17. I feel like Im every empath in a way, super emp but definitely a carrier. My motto is never give up but Im starting to get an understanding of when that is not applicable…this is valuable information as I never dreamed of any human being this perverted from my own perspective. But understanding definitely helps, as you put it HG, navigate the ocean of emotion. What are your views on God, The Absolute, Evolution? I see now how my ex always mirrored my own beliefs deceptively but he did let it slip once then quickly retracted his disdain of the concept and I know I did not mistake that or was it another form of getting a reaction/fuel?

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  18. No, I don’t agree. The scapegoat child (I am a scapegoat) becomes so beaten down by the abuse that they rise up against it and go into supernova mode. Triangulation, smearing, bullying and mind games make the scapegoat furious. The narcissistic parent is scared of the scapegoat because we have no issue whatsoever in exposing them. We will not tolerate abuse of any kind. There is no way in hell you’d witness a scapegoat becoming a carrier empath to the person that ruined their life, and psychologically tortured them beyond belief. My sister is a carrier empath to my N parent, and she was spoiled rotten, love, adored, and given all things nice. Scapegoats (once they do the recovery) refuse to become narcissistic.

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  19. Hi there o/ I was just wondering if you could email me more about this, if that’s okay! I’ve recently been told that I’m an ’empathic carrier’ and that I can ‘summon a gate’ or something (I don’t know much about it!) but apparently my ability to ‘summon the gate’ or something has been took away because I’m too young! I would just like to know more about all of this as it seems really intriguing! ~ thanks.

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