Bitter

bitterness

Envy and jealousy form two of the limited range of emotions that we are permitted. Of course, our reduced range of emotional responses is entirely by design so that we are furnished only with those emotions which drive us forward in our pursuit of fuel and thus we are freed from the hindering effects of many emotions which you experience such as compassion, sadness and joy. Envy and jealousy certainly provide us with the impetus and motivation to gather our precious fuel but they are emotions that you exhibit as well. Admittedly, there are those amongst your number that are so selfless and giving that an envious thought or look of jealousy never clouds your saintly features, but for many of your kind there is a bitterness that arises from this jealousy although we know you would never admit it and would prefer to blame it on us. Take for example the following exchange I had with one of my ex-girlfriends. I have not named the individual,not because I have some semblance of decency by granting her anonymity. Not at all. No, this is borne out of highlighting that this conversation could have taken place with any number of my ex-girlfriends. It is a conversation that could have taken place with many of you. She was in a period of devaluation and was providing me with plenty of negative fuel so as I worked behind the scenes to line-up my new prospect there was no urgency to bring about a discard. We had arranged to meet at a wine bar. I was fifteen minutes late.

“Oh here at last,” she remarked as I walked in to the wine bar. I pretended not to notice her at first,my eye caught by a tall and attractive lady who was stood near to me at the bar. I smiled at the tall lady and she returned it.

“I said,” declared the ex in a louder voice, “you are here at last.”

I turned to where she was sat as if noticing her for the first time.

“Ah hello, yes what a day, major deal going on and I had to take a conference call with New York,Pretoria and Frankfurt. It’s all happening I can tell you.”

“You could have rung to say you were running late, I have been sat here wondering where you were.”

“Am I late? We said 7-15.”

“No, seven o’clock.”

“I think you will find it was 7-15. I remember distinctly because I told my secretary to schedule the conference call for 4pm to last for no longer than 3 hours to give me sufficient time to get here. Big deal you see, so it needed that time allocated to it.”

“Well, I was busy too you know,” she remarked.

“Not on the scale I have been my dear,” I replied with a smile as I continued to scan the wine bar to see if there was anybody I knew and any further opportunities to gather fuel.

“Oh of course, your work is always more important than mine isn’t it?”

“No need to be like that, I am just stating a fact.”

She began to say something but I cut her off by pointing at her wine glass which was nearly empty and asking,

“Which wine is that?”

“Er, the chardonnay,” she replied.

“The Chablis here is far better, I will get that,” I remark and smile as I see her twist her face at my comment. I indicated to a waitress to come over to the table and I ordered two glasses of the Chablis.

“A far better choice,” I declare pleasantly,

“Oh it would be wouldn’t it since you chose it?” she added sourly.

I pretend I didn’t hear and thrust my hand outΒ and revealedΒ a watch from underneath the double cuff of my shirt.

“What do you think of this then? Impressive no?”

“Why have you bought that? I got you a watch only last month,” she announced in irritation.

“I know but, well, this is of a superior quality and the strap on the one you got me did not fit my wrist properly, not like this one,” I explained and I then continued to espouse the virtues of the chronological item as her face darkened. I of course revelled in this but I maintained the pretence that I did not notice.

“Anyway, enough of that,” she snapped.

“Something the matter? Not jealous are you? Jealous? Of a watch?”

“No I’m not jealous,” she answered far too quickly.

“Yes you are.”

“No I am not, anyway, where are we going this weekend? I thought we might go to Rockcliffe for a couple of nights, the restaurant in the orangerie is apparently really good,” she continued.

“I am not going there.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have been invited to Guisborough instead.”

“Who by?”

“What’s it got to do with you?”

“Er just a bit, I am your girlfriend or had you forgotten about that?”

“I would rather not say, you will only get jealous,” I grinned.

She looked indignant.

“Let’s just say Guisborough is better than Rockcliffe so that is where I will be going,” I added.

“Oh I see, you always have to go one better than what I suggest,” she snarled.

“Hey,I cannot help it if people who have excellent choice invite me to such a place can I?”

“You do it all the time. I get a new car, so you do the same only yours is more expensive. I gained a promotion and rather than congratulate me you tell me all about the targets you apparently smashed. I cook you a fantastic dinner but you tell me it is not as good as the one you did the previous week. I show you a picture and you tell me you have one that is similar only yours is better. Good God, I even told you about a moisturiser I was using, just chit chat and you have to explain how the one you use is superior to it. What is wrong with you? You always have to bring it back to you and go one better?”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” I replied feigning a look of displeasure despite the fact I was revelling in all this fuel that was being provided.

“You are consumed by your petty jealousy. I share what I achieve, I tell you first, I let you into everything I do so you can feel reassured that you are with someone who is successful and all you can ever do is be jealous and envious. How about being pleased for me for once rather than thinking about yourself?”

“I cannot believe what I am hearing. You boast all the time, you do it with everything. You tell me repeatedly about how you are ‘kicking ass and taking names’ at work, how the higher-ups adore you, how you are looking at buying an even larger house and how you have always been the highest achiever in your family. I told you about my degree result, yours had to be a class higher, if that is even true of course as sometimes I wonder. Your university was better than mine, your post code is a more desirable area,you have more friends than me, you have visited more countries than me. Every time I try and tell you something you have to trump it and go one better,” she continued as the anger tainted her words.

I slowly stand and her eyes widen as she seems surprised by my movement.

“I’m not sitting here listening to your jealousy, I am parked on a double yellow line and I am not getting a ticket just because you are envious of me,” I hiss. I turn as I hear her shout after me.

“There you go again, it couldn’t be a single yellow line could it? Oh no.”

I smiled and walked away content in the knowledge that these continued bouts of envy provided me with such delicious fuel. So predictable. Single yellow? I liked that.

137 thoughts on “Bitter

  1. Em says:

    And thank you for your reply… 😊

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pleasure

      1. Em says:

        I’ve another question, after reading sitting target I feel like normal conversations that I’m used to having will be difficult, things they tick your box in terms of fuel requirements are very natural to me, I’d easily give information away on things I like or dislike or where I work… this always felt like normal conversation to me, what blocks do you come up against when chatting to someone that would make you think… nah she will be a poor source I’ll keep looking for someone else?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Em, the fact you are so forthcoming only becomes a problem of course if you are dealing with our kind.
          If the person I am talking to is slow to expand on their answers, providing minimal detail and this keeps happening despite the use of leading and open questions and the body language is not there, then those are early indicators that the seduction will require more effort. If the answers lack the generic empathic traits as mentioned in Sitting Target as well, then it is suggesting this person would not be an excellent fuel source. By way of brief example, if i told a (fictitious) anecdote about finding a wallet with money in it and keeping it and the listener said “I would do the same” I know that certain empathic traits are lacking. If the listener reacted with surprise or alarm at that tale, this would be a positive indicator.

  2. Em says:

    lol no doubt! So would you be capable of arranging scenarios amongst us in order to gain fuel or is it worth? I.E being slower to reply to a message of the fuel source was good or is the fuel source to low to bother manipulate the situation? I really never would have called considered any of that possible but just finished sitting target (which is excellent) but I’m totally blown away by the lengths to which you would go to accertain Fuel

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Strictly speaking I could manipulate people but there are two reasons why that does not happen:-
      1. The 5 rules; and
      2. The fuel gained is too low to merit doing so.

      Thank you for your kind comment about Sitting Target, i hope you leave a review.

  3. Em says:

    Dawn have you read any of HG’s books? I honestly feel like I was let out of prison following the research, the individual you are describing sounds degusting, stop thinking about him now you’ve given him enough.

    HG how much fuel do you get from comments like mine which praises you or from Dawns which needs your help?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I admittedly gain a little fuel, but since you are remote strangers to me and it is through the medium of technology, it is low down on the Fuel Index. Of course, I am never one to turn it down!

  4. Dawn says:

    My hair is falling out in handfuls and I’m seeing a tricologist at a cost of Β£100 an hour.
    This is the reality of narcissistic abuse and torment for me.
    He’s cost me enough.
    I’ve lost property, career, friends, family, self esteem and now I’m losing my hair.
    All down to the game he decided to play with my life!!!!
    I can’t even friggin sleep peacefully anymore.
    I wish I could erase him from my memory by taking a pill etc. (If only eh)?…
    HG I hate to be a pain but could you reply to the post I submitted a few weeks ago.?
    I keep checking like a crazy person for your response πŸ˜’

  5. Dawn says:

    I’d love a reply to the post I sent on this thread a few wks ago (if possible) HG xx
    Many thanks xx

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I know you do Dawn, there are many posts still in moderation. It won’t be forgotten about.

  6. Dawn says:

    Ok. Thanks x

  7. Dawn says:

    How long are posts in moderation HG? I’m eagerly awaiting your response x

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It can be some time dependent on length, number of questions, time I have available.

      1. Dawn says:

        Any chance of a reply to my last post on this thread? I’ve been checking for days. I appreciate your inundated with posts HG.
        Wondered if you’d forgot or have bypassed it?
        X

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Dawn, no I haven’t forgot it, I have a lot of messages in moderation but it will be answered.

  8. Dawn says:

    Thanks x I appreciate it HG x

  9. Dawn says:

    How long can the golden period last with his new supply? I’m surprised he’s still happy after a year with her….

    He has smeared me to his entire group etc so he couldn’t be seen to hoover me to “benefit from the fuel and association of the new improved me”!
    It’s a mutual hatred on both parts for each other now HG (although he hates me without reason, but he feels my bitter verbal assault on him after finding out he’s moved on warrants his hatred of me)!!
    He can’t piss on my parade now…. I look the best I’ve ever looked and men are circling me. But I am uninterested by them all. He on the other hand is a somatic who used to have an impressive physique but is a skinned rat now due to a shoulder injury that won’t heal haha!!
    Does karma come for the narcissist HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Dawn, the golden period can last anywhere between say 6 weeks and a few years, dependent on a range of factors. This is from anecdotal observation as opposed to any empirical study. Typically I would put it at 8-16 months more often.
      He appears to hate you for no reason but remember that from his perspective he has plenty of reason!
      There is no such thing as karma. You made your own improvement, he let himself go/had to let himself go owing to the injury.

      1. Dawn says:

        How can he attempt a hoover when his posse hate me due to his skilful smearing of me?
        Does he bank on the fact I won’t move on because I love him or does he bank on knowing he could whistle and I’d dump any new man in my life and go running back if I was to get involved elsewhere?
        Also if I look like the old version of myself like when he met me (slimmer, happy, bubbly and confident) would he be drawn back to those traits HG?
        Would he be tempted by me being the very person he married, (enough to make a play for me while he’s in the golden period with her?)…
        We are unlikely to cross paths for him to see my transformation as we don’t frequent the same places, but I know he’s being informed of my new look etc. He even said “you didn’t make an effort like that for me while I was with you Dawn”…..
        And we have since blocked each other after that last conversation and bitter mud slinging!
        Will he be riled I look good again HG?
        I really want my hoover!!!!

      2. Dawn says:

        Did you get my reply to the last response you gave me HG? x
        I’ve been checking like a mad woman!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes Dawn, it’s in moderation.

  10. Dawn says:

    So his “foot massaging Mary berry” will be dropped in favour of him pursuing me again? I genuinely would love to see that day happen because he isn’t getting me again – he broke me good and proper this time round HG. Besides, by the time he hoovers (which I doubt) I’ll be soiled goods because a new man will be in his place. He’d never touch me again if someone else had touched me (his words again) Or is that bull crap from his mouth too?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He means it now. He won’t mean it when he hoovers you. The split thinking again.

      1. Dawn says:

        HG I’ve just sat and listened to you on YouTube- you sound like a young Christopher Hitchens- very charismatic! Its hard not to like you HG!

        What is the narcissists response if he sees massive improvements to the discarded supply’s life.?
        I have lost 60lbs, workout everyday, bought a whole new wardrobe of sexy clothes and started going out loads with new friends etc.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you for that compliment Dawn. It depends when he sees it. If it is when he is with the new primary source during the golden period he will ignore it. If he notices when he is devaluing her, dependent on whether those traits appeal to him, he will either issue a benign hoover to benefit from the fuel and association with ‘new and improved you’ or malign hoovers to piss on your parade.

          1. Em says:

            HG what do you look out for when choosing a new source? What signals do you notice from empathetic people that proves to you they would be a good fuel source? Body language, verbal signs etc? I’d like to know how I can be aware of these behaviours in myself and hopefully protect myself and make better choices in the future πŸ™‚

          2. HG Tudor says:

            There is much we look for Em and the answers can be found in my book Sitting Target.

          3. Em says:

            Great πŸ™‚ currently reading Fuel, and loving it…so sitting target is next on my list. Thank you 😊

          4. HG Tudor says:

            I am pleased to read that Em.

  11. Seduced says:

    yeah time to become single yellow little flower πŸ˜‰ xxx this post amused me as always. Excellent sense of humor and manipulation techniques…. I’m on roller coaster with You G. and today is the day when thinking of You hard working to be perfect and be perceived as perfect makes me feel worthless even more…. I can not believe how many emotions since the first contact with Your blog and with You I went through. ..and still going through. .. You are master indeed and deeply I will always feel sorry for that lil boys within You. I love my son’s more than anything and anyone and closeness sharing fun is on our daily basis. .. Shame and unfairness that You had your matrinarc….

  12. Dawn says:

    HG I’m consuming your material like a junkie! It’s so direct and honest. I’m gaining strength from you and the support network.
    I love being enlightened and awakened…..
    Can I ask, is a hoover still likely even though I have verbally called him every name under the sun over the phone and also told people we both know what an absolute turd he is?! And is he still likely to have the sheer audacity to hoover after being in a full blown relationship with another woman like he has? Would he want the hassle of me giving him grief over it all?…..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Your verbal abuse to him was just fuel and this tells him there is more to obtain from you down the line.
      Your smearing him to others will give him cause to seek revenge and punish you.
      As for audacity, look it up in the dictionary and you will see a picture of a narcissist underneath it.
      He wants your grief, it is fuel.

      1. Dawn says:

        How will he punish me HG?!!
        He’s done his worst by being a
        “narcehole” and taking up with his new “soulmate”!!
        Surely he thinks I’m entitled to spit venom?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A variety of ways. I suggest you read Black Flag, Smeared and the Devils Toolkit for more detail.

      2. Dawn says:

        On the contrary HG! He said he wants a quiet life.! An easy life.! That’s what he’s getting now I’m gone (his words)!! His new supply gives him an easy life so I don’t think he wants my grief fuel at any point in the future. He wants to live like an extra on the little house on the prairie I’m led to believe! Is this to be believed HG? After all, he is 52 and is professing to being a grown up now!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          He is saying that now. Believe me he will want your grief fuel down the way.

          Yesterday he loved you, today he wants you done, tomorrow he loves you again. We compartmentalise and operate in a black and white manner with out thinking.

          He will want your fuel when he starts to devalue her and he will do so.

  13. Em says:

    Am I the only one here who feels like they were let out of prison by learning about this condition?

    Before reading about it and learning that it is virtually impossible (correct me if I’m wrong HG) for an individual to get better and start acting ‘normally’ in a relationship, no amount of hugs or understanding will make a narc a better person… armed with this knowledge it’s so much easier for me to walk away, before I felt a sense of responsibility or a longing to help and show this individual what real love is like, but it’s an impossible task! Hahaha for me that’s like having a weight lifted from my shoulders, I can walk away because I have to, I’m not qualified and in fact staying in the belief that I’m helping is probably doing more damage as it’s a way of feeding an unhealthy condition!

    Plus I now no longer question crazy behaviour, wondering if I misread the situation or was at fault or not understanding enough or caring enough, NOTHING I could or can do would improve this individuals life or relationships.

    And the icing on the cake for me is….part of me was sad that another girl might be able to make him happier, hence living the amazing relationship I was promised during the first few months of our relationship, but even that doesn’t exist! Hahaha I woke up this morning knowing he is going to go through life leaving a trail of destruction trying to fill shallow goals and I’m always going to be at least two steps ahead of that now, thank god!

    This stuff should be taught in schools πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I can’t believe I didn’t know anything about this personality type…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Absolutely the case Em and as ever the key is understanding because once that is done everything becomes so much clearer and you operate from a position of logic rather than from emotion.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      You get it Em. Good for you. Enjoy your freedom but remain vigilant for signs in future to ensure it.

      1. Sail Away says:

        Thank you HG for this response. I suppose I shouldn’t feel smug but I do. Not only have I resisted him but he was always bragging how so many women pursue him. If so, he should be able to seduce quickly and let me be.

        1. Em says:

          πŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌπŸ‘πŸΌ it’s brilliant sail away! I don’t think I’ve ever felt as smug! I’ve just realised that they use our positive natures – often we will always see things on the bright side.. I can now see my relationship was terrible but the way I look at things made me make a silk purse from a pigs ear πŸ’ƒπŸΌ lets bask in the wonderful glow of freedom and positivity …. the one that our ex partners will never be capable of feeling πŸ˜‰ ahhhhh life’s fabulous ☺️

    3. Em: This needs to be out there, everywhere and it needs be addressed urgently. Your decision is the right decision and for all of us in or out or hoovered. They are doing these things from a primary school age and the majority of a personality is formed tremendously in the these young years. We need urgent intervention as there are victims all over and some of these victims are children! The narcissist child is capable of acts that can lead to sexual abuse of their siblings, it is all over the net. Most recently there was the body of a young girl in a proximity that affected me due to the mass media coverage and disappearance. The girl was advertised on buses, etc. looking for her killer. She was found in a river, very painful for me to speak of. She was a foster child and her case in addition to other child murders, has been reviewed and the whole system letting down children where the warning signs were ignored. Her life was taken and three were involved in the coverup. Her life was taken, because she was fostered into a home where the young son of the family had sex with her and allegedly she became pregnant and she was under our weak umbrella of fostercare and child welfare.
      Instead of the father saying to the son, well you are going to have to face the consequences and we allegedly cannot get a termination of pregnancy without may questions being asked, she must die. The father carried her coffin along with the parties that covered her murder and pleaded that the killer should be located. Now there is conspiring to murder, interfering with a corpse and as you can imagine other charges. So many children……women…….young boy took his own life days ago- bullying. Our state may be indicative of many, we must smarten up and implement the strategies necessary to abate this.

      1. Em says:

        Ok, that sounds totally mental, firstly I was under the impression that these disorders can’t be diagnosed until the individual is at least 18? Also doesn’t that sound more like the behaviour of a psychopath / Sociopath? Do you think all narcissists are potentially dangerous (physically dangerous not mentally) HG I’d like to know your opinion on that too if possible, I’m not talking about the mind games, but physical harm? Possibly they could enjoy playing god but I’d imagine (hoping) that most wouldn’t risk their own personal freedom unless he/she was a very low level? It’s all so interesting!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is the case that certainty of diagnosis means one would ordinarily wait until adulthood for a definitive view, but tendencies can indeed be identified at an earlier time.
          All narcissists are capable of physical violence because it is a form of control and manipulation.That stated it is more the preserve of the Lesser because he has a limited repertoire and also a low control threshold, the Mid Range is more passive aggressive in nature but may slap, push or grab. The Greater is more likely to threaten or insinuate such harm and is also more mindful of how a physical assault leaves obvious evidence which may invite problems. Whilst a very small number may kill (through a loss of control) and an even fewer number kill (through pre-meditation) it may happen, generally it does not because we do not want to extinguish the fuel source.

  14. Dawn says:

    HG i am scanning religiously through all the posts I have commented on to make sure I haven’t missed any of your replies.
    I’m sorry to trouble you further but can you tell me what a benign hoover is? As you have mentioned it in a reply to me……
    Can you also tell me what my ex will feel if I involved myself with a new man? He has told me to meet someone else!!!! He is clearly happy a year in with his new supply. He has NEVER been openly involved with anyone but me for 17yrs (cheating behind my back etc though) but never holidayed and paraded anyone round like he’s doing with this one. A hoover will not be on his agenda with me. He’s told me to let go of the past and move on like he has. I’m desperate to know the answers.
    I’m his untouched loyal ex. How will he really feel?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Dawn, a Benign Hoover is where the narcissist seeks to draw positive fuel from you by being charming, pleasant and seductive once more. This might be done to also draw you back into the Formal Relationship as well, but is always done to gain fuel. Thus, if you had been discarded and the narcissist contacts you six months later asking how you are, that is a benign hoover.

      At the point of discard, your narcissist may well tell you to become involved with someone else as you do not matter to him as he has his new primary source who he is, as you describe parading around. You are of no consequence. If you meet someone else, he will not care until such time as there is a Hoover Trigger. If he is a Lesser or a Mid Ranger then the appearance of someone else will cause jealousy (at the time of the hoover not when he is infatuated with his new primary source) and may be an obstacle which will raise the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. A Greater will see the chance for double fuel – from you and your new man.
      A hoover will be on the agenda with you, just not yet.

      1. Sail Away says:

        Wait, so is a Benign Hoover always intended to begin the Formal Relationship again? Or not necessarily but just for needed fuel?

        I had one recently (which I ignored) but I just assumed since I left 7 weeks ago, he had moved on, found new supply etc. I’ve had 7-8 hoovers in that time.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If you escape us, you will receive an Initial Grand Hoover to get you back into the FR. If that IGH fails, there will be follow-up hoovers, probably benign. Those will aim to gain fuel from you and will most likely aim to get you back into the FR. If those fail, you may then experience malign FUHs which are for fuel only.

          If we discard you, there is no IGH. Down the line, the benign FUHs you experience will ALWAYS be to gain fuel and MAY be about drawing you back in to the FR.

          IN your instance, given the shortness of time scale he may still be looking to draw you back in as he is also trying to seduce a new primary source. He may well have not found the right one and/or embedded her yet.

      2. Dawn says:

        How do I know if he is a lesser/greater? What would trigger a hoover?
        We have blocked each other so contact is impossible HG.
        Double fuel? How so?
        How long am I likely to wait for any hoover HG considering he has been gone a year and is renting a house with her in the new year? Also he only told me 2wks ago to move on and meet someone else. It wasn’t done at the point of discard because he simply vanished from my life and blocked me from being able to ring him. It was only after I rang him from another number did he say he had met someone else and was in love blah blah blah. Thanks so much for your help xx it means a lot right now HG xx

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Read Sitting Target and my blog articles re the school of narcissist he belongs to.
          Hoover Triggers are caused by entering the spheres of influence – see the article in the Prime Articles section of the blog menu
          From you and from your new person. Flirts with you, you respond positively or negatively, new man is annoyed at our behaviour, thus responds negatively – two lots of fuel.
          It will happen in the months ahead subject to the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria.

    2. Em says:

      Dawn I’m reading all your messages and I know it feels like he’s happy in his new relationship, try for a minute to think rationally, firstly if your ex is a narcissist he chose this new girl for one reason only and that’s to obtain fuel, if he was really happy with this new girl he would need to try to torture you with tails of massages and baking…. he’d be too busy enjoying it! He is telling you this to get fuel from you and her at the same time, let her have him, he will torture her instead allowing you to move on to a healthier happier life. The person you fell in love with does not exist it was an illusion, an illusion created with years of brain washing and ritualistic mind games…. thank the gods you’re not there anymore and move on. There are experts here telling you he will never change, believe them and rebuild your life and never allow him the opportunity to come knocking it down again! Stop torturing yourself trying to understand that which is not rational! Good luck xx

      1. Dawn says:

        Thanks Em xx I know everyone is right but accepting it all is bloody hard because I’ve wasted 17yrs on loving this man. I wish I could go back and change things but I can’t. I’ll just have to stop my mind from imagining their intimate moments and “happy ever after” 😳😞 and accept the reality that he isn’t mine anymore. But I’m absolutely broken by him. Hopefully someone will love me with honesty one day eh….

        1. Em says:

          I understand that, all I can say is don’t even give him another more 17seconds, he’s taken enough from you, and has maifested these feeling in you by design, he wants you sad? How fu*ked up is that??!! When I went though the devaluation I stated yoga and found it incredible, start taking care of yourself now, the sooner you forget him the sooner you get your life better. You’re feeling like this because that’s how he designed it! Why would you want that in your life?!

        2. NarcAngel says:

          Dawn instead of looking at it as 17 years wasted can you see it as he’s not taking any more years from you? I can never understand when people say that. Is it worth it if you have a terrible relationship full of difficulty as long as you cross the finish line together? Is that the definition of love? Slogging along unhappy to the end together? Doesnt sound like a goal to me.

    3. They all say that! Then what if you do? Why would you not? I have been through hell like many here, so I do know what their hell is as they slide out of any responsibility for the break up, the discard, deny that their motives are to do with another supply and almost break your arm, metaphorically to take the blame. They want you to meet another man, to slide out like a snake from any accountability and let’s face it they are cowards. They are brainwashing you and have always used brainwashing. They have a maladaptive disorder that is very difficult to treat and due to them not adapting in the norm of what society expects, they defy their own logic. They have an Axis mental health disordered personality and are not well adapted to rules or boundaries of societal norms, They don’t give a flying duck about you, me or anyone else because they are defiant and represent oppositional defiance disorder and crossovers of other manifestations to schizoid affective disorder and psychosis and their tantrums can be classified as psychotic episodes depending on what damage they are doing when they heightened toward controlling another, usually the primary. They have little or no respect for authority but play their cards and mirror others to handle inquiry and are master manipulators, extortionists and exhibitionists to a degree. The ASD or Asperger’s creeps in their too, more than likely that is what presented firstly in a mild form mostly not detected or addressed in the primary years. They are a nightmare for mental health experts and when in a mental health facility or elsewhere, are out to con and direct it back to you or any excuse they can come up to conceal their wrongdoings and poisonous nature. They have bits and pieces of many mental health disorders and may feel quite at home in the MHU and due to their egocentricity and above all persona’s they are not well regarded as each and every thing they do or say is highly manipulative and their sense of power form being as cruel as a child plucking the wings off a baby birds, they taunt and drag out the process and pull you into their spiderweb. They do it with everyone they interact with- they are playing a game that has become a delusion and they feel invincible taking people down, stabbing people in the back and even coworkers getting sacked through through them alienating one yet shaking their hand, and saying- oh that’s tough, why did you get sacked when they are the ones that blabbed something to management all because that person was interchangeable and they got bored with that person and know that person will be replaced and yet another new player and some new blood to leach from. They are completely obstructive to resolving anything with you unless it is a fake setup to keep you in the web to taunt you and literally drag you across the coals until their is nothing left of you but a merciless and intentional last stand that they plotted and imagined from the day they meet you and suck you in. Sometimes it is the other way around, God help anyone that pursued them! You will get the blame, because they are filled with some kind of hatred and this word, hate from my experiences is the most commonly used from my experiences. Their personalities are rigid and that is why you cannot reason with them nor use the correct thought processing with them.

      I arranged to meet someone that I had met previously and did not know that I was being watched, that the narc had already go the information by having one of his stooges give the information as to my phone-call to arrange to meet. They tempt you because they are telling you, they care nothing for you to drive the knife in further and they want you to shoulder the blame so that when they play narcissist victim to their secondary sources and tertiaries they are the victim and you have delivered their excuse and they will twist it around and show a pretend sad face. They do this mostly to engage other potential targets for whatever purpose they have to carry through with their pre-planned imaginings of the order that they are deluded by and so entrenched with. They play with possibilities and see everyone as useful or non useful. They are out to seek, destroy and kill and toward the end they don’t need to really lift a finger, they set their imaginings up not to fail and expect that you will destroy yourself with the little you have left after their octopus tentacles have let go one by one, whilst squirting out black ink on you to humiliate you and kill a great part of you, so that there delusion becomes reality due to their ritual one could say.

      They could see you dying on the floor and yell at you to get up, when you are really sickened by their maladaptive personalities. See, you know what they are and they cannot allow that if you are a strong person, you are now the enemy in their paranoid state and dangerous to them, so they spread as fast as the wind and infiltrate others with their smear of you, making sure that they can carry on their desperately driven need to destruct you after your fuel got low through their delusions once again.

      Mine too has a tattoo of my name (in a heart with roses) and I lived with the threat, that he was keeping himself for the right one! Good luck and thank you, hurry it along please! Dawn, it is a terrible disregard for the years that he drained you and for anytime you were tricked into apologising. You were unfortunate and the narcissist is like a lab technician and you are the experiment, we all are…..Sorry it is the truth.

      The man I was to meet with was met with a fright to him and everyone else at the venue. My N arrived at my home with a bag and he literally walked in and started pulling out stuff to cook. He shuffled into the laundry and kept referring to my dogs having enough water. I did not like his behaviour and his eyes were black and determined. I was sitting at my dining table drinking coffee. He had wine and insisted I drink a glass of wine. I refused and refused, telling him to get out of the house. He attempted to confuse me and fiddled around in his pockets and I sensed something but could not clarify. He kept going to my dogs and kept talking about their water. I was alarmed as their were a series of events surrounding him being removed by police and oh boy the policewoman seen through him like glass. During his time away by order, he grew into a very odd and bizarre self in many ways I actually thought he was on drugs of some kind. He does not listen to authority and feels a sense of power because he has managed on occasion to fool the authorities. These are some events that took place:

      Both my dogs within days of one another, convulsed. One developed a tremor and her head was shaking and her legs were trembling and her yes with pleading with me to help her, which I did and she was in care and the vets were puzzled and she came through whatever toxin it was, one that they could not find after elimination of others. Second dog, went to walk down the stairs and convulsed to the point she looked like a darted dog poisoned in Bali. She convulsed so bad she went rigid and fitted down the stairs and she was vertical on her head during these shocking convulsions. I went to use my car and the water was leaking out of the radiator. I was so distressed I called police to help me get her straight to emergency and was not helped. I took the risk and drove the car to the nearest garage and ran into the servo attendant pleading that I needed some way of getting my girl to emergency. He assisted and I managed to get her into 24 hour emergency clinic. My girl was in critical care then ICU. Her life was on the line and he had been in the house, brazenly both times.

      She survived with thousands of $$$ intensive care and no answers as to the toxin. Her after care was lengthy and she was very despondent and depressed. Both dogs would not drink from the bucket of water, they both refused. I went through a process of having to place milk in the bucket and get down on my hands an knees to drink from it, they were really traumatised and that tells me it was in the water. Getting them to drink after changing drinking containers and trying everything I could I continued to fake drinking from their containers and it worked eventually although both were very tentative.

      There were other events that took place, but it would take pages to define them.

      Back to the man date: When the N was insisting I drink the wine, I said, what for it’s 9:30 am and if you don’t go I am calling police. Your not eating he said, you have nothing here to eat, I am trying to be pleasant and want to cook for you! Alarm bells in my head, my body. He was deliberately blocking my attempt to date but I could not tell him, because he wanted me to move on so therefore I was, but knew not to inflame the situation. All I recall is that I woke up at 5:30pm in my bed, disorientated and felt like I was tipsy. I was in my nighty and the sheets and quilt covers were different and changed to what they were. I felt like I had lost time and I remembered my date that I had to meet and got up out of my bed to find narc playing house. I felt strange. I looked around and smelled the dinner and I screamed at him, “What has happened, why was it morning and now it is night! Settle down he said, I am helping you! I went to my sons room, I was searching for an answer. His father said, I haven’t told him, but you were unconscious and I did your washing and carried you to the bed! I could not make sense of anything! I screamed- Get out, you get out of my home! I went to the bathroom and he followed. What the hell I yelled, what has happened in here! The frame holding the shower curtain was bent, really bent and the shower curtain was torn and the rings were broken! Calm down he insisted. I was in a panicked state. He said, don’t you remember, you invited me to have a shower with you!!!! No I didn’t I never would have, (I was going on a date but did not scream that part). Yes, you did, no I didn’t!!!
      You fell out of the shower and hit your head! How, where was I standing, you were standing right there when you fell. No I didn’t. Which way was I facing?? You fell front ways, NO I screamed, it is not possible as I would not have had enough room to fall because of the bathroom door directly across! Yes, you did settle down. I would have landed face first and there would be no room even if I did! No you have done something to me! There are no marks on my face, anyway and it is not possible! Screaming, why did you not call an ambulance and why have you not called anyone after establishing that he had not and not even told my young son! GET OUT! He left. Feeling strange, like high. More determined than ever to go on the date, but not in my right mind, felt strange. Since I woke up and my hair was wet was another query I cast his way. The time you tell me I was unconscious, why is my hair still wet, I said. No answer. I did my hair and my makeup and got ready. I did not FEEL any injuries. I met my date at the time set. We only got as far as walking into the venue and I saw a young lady brunette too and the music was great, the date and I were talking a little, I can’t recall what about. She and her friend were sharing our table and she was telling me how she had been dumped. I don’t recall a lot but she gave me her name and social media name and I remembered that. I remember the date and I getting up to dance and my boots were giving me grief, should not have wore them, I was unsteady and she offered to swap boots as hers were not as high. They fitted and she joined us to dance. All of a sudden she and my date were alarmed and the people around us. What is wrong, I said- he said, OMG your bleeding! I am like, huh, bleeding, where? She said, you are bleeding everywhere! Huh, what the…I felt it then, it was pouring from my head all over my leather jacket and it still remains on it today, my dna. My top was white and had a lady luck symbol on it and was sprayed with blood. I felt around my head, and my hands were suddenly wet with blood. Where is it coming from I pleaded, tell me! We have to get you out of here, shall I call an ambulance, what do you want me to do asked the date? I was not making good choices, I was under the influence of something. I want to go home I said. Okay you will have to drive my car home please. (Senseless decision). He was pleasant and very alarmed, he helped with my wound, one that was huge on the side of my head, that I honestly did not feel until the large lump, that still remains somewhat, spurted the blood. He stayed and we talked until 5:30 am and my story was sketchy, I don’t think he wanted to be involved with this, due to the strange episode and from his point of view looking back, he could have been blamed and it was not a good situation. I drove him back to his car. I returned home with exchange of numbers. I thanked him for being a gentleman and his kindness.

      After I had slept again, everything dawned on me when I awoke. As I was laying there feeling the pain in my head, I looked up at the ceiling, there were slight sprays of blood???? I had been to my gp in the lead up to this event. Before the N was removed, he was psychotic one day and sat in the chair in the living room chanting, RedRum RedRum RedRum for hours, he chanted “his wife (vis) will be found dead on the laundry floor??? This is on record and I have the letter from the GP where he put (vis) after the comment of the wife. I had woken startled when he was still living there, and I distinctly felt a presence and when opening my eyes, I saw him standing t the left side of my bed with something iron in his hand holding it up. This was also recorded by the gp. I screamed and he disappeared so quick. I leaped up out of bed, and started looking for what I seen and accusing him and he was telling me that I was imagining things. NO I was not, I raced through the house and I raced into his room. I pulled open his closet doors and right there on the shelf was a tyre lever, my tyre lever from my car! I photographed it on my phone. Are you crazy he said, NO I am not and I know what I saw! The doctors letters state, foul play and cautionary advice to domestic violence services-referral whom knew the potential of the N.
      Final letter stated- Contusion to lateral right side of head, most likely an object such as a tyre lever used by spouse, ? drugging, Hx domestic violence. I was confused as I stated to the doctor- Why did my head spurt the blood and how could I have not known or felt this large contusion? He suggested that the initial time that I saw the tyre lever in his hand standing there like a psychopath that he was practicing then acted out on his impulse at another time. ……………..He suggested that it happened this way due to something cushioning the blow. OMG, he had washed the linen! Weeks it took me to think straight. I had lost space and time. I had a delayed type of amnesia (drugged). The N phoned me and harassed me and it went from one terrible thing to another. Yet he said, I saw you, I saw him and you were both so close near the bushes outside the venue that I could have breathed on you and you did not even know I was there. I watched you in the house and don’t you go accusing me of doing anything to you, try and make a case, and they will say if it really happened how come you went out with a man you….profanity, profanity……..no one will believe you! I had to fly out of the country not long after under blackmail that If I did not go to the wedding he would not go and that I would be never forgiven and he even phoned them up and said, I am not coming unless she does. I was willing to forfeit my travel plans and ticket for overseas, I was in fear and yet it was one of the most important family events. I was setup and setup and it is a horror story, just one of them.

      I don’t mean to frighten anyone- I do think that we need to reveal truths to find a way to decrease the crime against us. HG please use this post for awareness and you are right, your kind is dangerous.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        Props girl for going through all of that but still worried about getting ready for your date. Thats committment.

        1. That’s determination and giving the birdie’, to the N, that’s defiance and that at the time, commitment to demonstrating to an N- You do not own me and you can try and eliminate me, don’t wipe yourself out on the wave trying to surf it!

  15. Indy says:

    Interesting title. My recent ex with narcissism always said he was bitter. It was a frequent emotion he’d endorse. I rarely experience this emotion and rarely use the word. I wonder if this is another common emotion in the narcissistic emotional experience in addition to anger (and all it’s forms like fury and range and agitation) and envy/jealousy.

  16. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

    Em, narcissism is not a mental illness. It is a personality disoder. HG is not mentally ill.

    1. Em says:

      The definition on the mayo clinic describes it a mental disorder / illness. Im open to to understanding it differently, currently my belief is that it’s a mental illness, why do you think it’s different? What do you believe the difference is between a personality disorder and a mental disorder?

      Thank you!
      Em

      1. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

        Hello Em,

        “A personality disorder is a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving” (Mayo Clinic).
        It is a mental disorder, not a mental illness.

        A mental illness has a more biological background ie. brain chemistry is different, and thus induviduals are more likely to respond to medication.

        A mental disorder is a maldaptive pattern an individual acquires involuntarily due to trauma. It is so ingrained in their personality that treatment will have limited results, though thoughts on that are changing.

        The percentage of the general population who have mental/personality disorders is much higher than those who have mental illness.

        Hope that helps!

        1. Em says:

          I understand where you’re coming from but I think there is a cross over in terms of the descriptions, OCD a mental illness or disorder for example?

          1. NarcAngel says:

            Can I ask why the label is important? In the old days they would say we’re all nuts and be done with it. Ahhh a simpler time…..

          2. Indy says:

            insurance companies (kidding, not kidding)

          3. Em says:

            It’s not important, I guess from my perspective I was referring to it as a mental illness, for two reasons, A) I don’t know enough about it and weather there is a correct or ‘pc’ classification and B) from my position it makes it easier to think about it like that, that way I’m not angry or upset about being treated poorly, I don’t feel upset with my ex as he acted in a pre prescribed way as a result of a disorder, and lastly I have no desire to go back or try to ‘love’ the behaviour out of him, because I can now look at it as a disorder and logically think I just don’t have the qualifications to help him get better…. so I get to walk away without feeling guilting that I might be abonding someone in need and I can also stop questioning random behaviour, because it just doesn’t make sense and it never will so I can stop looking for patterns or behaviour triggers or whatever and put it all down to the disorder that I have no control over. Does that make sense? The actual label means nothing but it’s how it helps me look at the situation in a new light… I hope I didn’t offend anyone with that description, that was not my intention

      2. bloody_elemental says:

        If I may, Em, the so-called pros have yet to come to a consensus about what exactly constitutes mental illness, especially when it comes to narcs/socios/psychos.

        Basically, a mental illness can be defined in general terms as the illness of the human mind, while personality disorder is characterized by long lasting patterns of behavior of the individual that are considered deviant in the given society.

        Personality disorders usually feature a number of patterns that are present in the course of the entire life of a person. Usually the signs and the symptoms of personality disorders can be spotted in early childhood. Mental illnesses, on the other hand, can manifest themselves at any point during the life of a person and are usually not diagnosed earlier than during one’s twenties.

        Mental disorder and mental illness are one and the same. Personality disorder is not the same and does not contribute mental illness.

        And, contrary to what was already said, it is not always the result of bloody trauma. In some instances yes, in others no.

        Although there is no consensus, it is believes that sociopaths are created based on environment, while psychopaths are born that way.

        1. Em says:

          Thank you bloody elemental, that is clear πŸ™‚ either way I don’t think I’ll be signing up for a life time of misery with my narc. in question, it’s nice knowing I’m walking away and that’s actually the best thing for myself and for him…. guilt free freedom

          Thank you for the clarification

  17. Matilda says:

    Even if you have the bigger house, the more expensive car, the most luxurious watch: SO WHAT?! You will be the richest corpse in the graveyard! Congratulations, HG! In the great scheme of things, it does not matter one bit. You know what matters? I have seen first hand what matters. To love and be loved!

    Not some sickly sweet movie, not some romance novel taught me that, but some eye-to-eye with death. In my late 20ies, a member of my family became terminally ill. I learned what dying from cancer means. I learned how to be strong for someone else while you are falling apart inside, being unable to help, having to watch them getting weaker every day. People face death differently, it is in the last days on earth when their true nature shines through. The urgency of the situation strips away all pretence, all walls people have built around themselves throughout their lives, therein lies the beauty. There is no time, and no place for fakery when you are dying, or care for the dying. You focus on the here and now. That is when I learned what matters. Because to the dying and to the ones that will be left behind, all that matters is the love they share. And love is all that will remain when we leave. Nothing else matters. I saw it. I know…

    You are wasting your time with petty, little things… meanwhile, the clock is ticking…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Matilda.

      “You focus on the here and now.”
      Indeed we do.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        I can actually see your point HG because all we have is the here and now. Some subscribe to the promise of something greater in the end but you do not subscribe to that and nor do I. What is the supposed reward for us then to bend and conform when we are content (by our definition) the way things are. Its true that most successes are gained by your kind and we laud them and enjoy the benefits but only if it fits into the empath criterion. In the end we are all passed on. Its only if you believe there is something after that you would concern yourself with your behaviour previous to passing. I do not. So I can see your point in the here and now. Its all we are guaranteed. The rest is really some huge promise. Much like the one you promise during the golden period, and we all know how that turns out. I’ll take the sure thing.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well put NA.

    2. Matilda: You are so right in all that you speak. Firstly I am sorry for the way that your loved one passed and sorry that you have experienced it but it is something we cannot control isn’t it. They have carried that over. Your words are completely accurate and research into the experiences of the dying/terminal illness clearly states this. “Have I loved well and have I been loved”.
      We have never seen a hearse with a trailer connected carrying all of their worldly goods. I do know this: There is an angel of death, depending on the way a person lived their lives, the angel of death can be kind or as brutal as they have been throughout their lives. There is a video I must find on my pc, showing this and the patient had not been a very nice person in life.

  18. Darkness Falls Again says:

    HG what if one understands it all revolves around fuel and you? Sorting out the how in each situation is where it gets tricky. This is where instinct and able to read body language could became a handy thing.
    Yet you say evolved, I am going to disagree on the fact a persons survival instinct is strong. You did what you had to, cutting a part of you off to survive, now its part of you. To change this you would have to see a good reason to. Can you, yes I believe you can, once / if you see the benefits of this change.
    Sorry if I have overstepped. This is all my perspective, yet very curious as to your opinion on it.

  19. Sail Away says:

    I’ve had 1,000 of these conversations. At the beginning, if a conversation started to go this way, N would say “You’re the last person I want to fight with.” At the end, he created these at every turn.

    Isn’t there a spec of normal male in N’s that doesn’t want to have needless fighting? Most men don’t.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, the narcissist must always create some kind of emotional response and creating a fight is a sure fire way of doing so.

  20. Got it now. Thanks HG! As much as it is frustrating learning he was so unfair to me, by expecting me to do something I was not aware of, at least this knowledge helps me to keep moving on. Knowledge is power. You have helped many of us, HG. I’m sincerely grateful.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. NarcAngel says:

      Dawn HG is telling you repeatedly and in the nicest way possible what your heart will not allow your head to hear. It is all smoke and mirrors. What they have is not real and one day she will feel as you do now.

  21. NarcAngel says:

    Hmmm….yes, jealousy-that appeals. I shall add that to my tool clutch
    (possibly alongside the flogger that those who profess to be into BDSM require). I have previously bolstered the ego of my targets by telling them that I have never met anyone like them and that they have ruined me for any other man (giggle). Because I like to wound on exit (for obvious reasons), and I expose that I have known all along what I am dealing with, I can now add: you are a Lesser or Mid-range and now that I have experienced the Elite of your kind, I can accept nothing less. Let them sort out what that means.

  22. HG, you wrote to Dawn: “You fail us by failing to provide fuel at the level of potency/frequency and quantity that we require. It is your failure because it can never be our fault.”
    This is something I’m about to ask you for a long time. How could we possibly know the potency/frequency of fuel was reduced? Is it a parameter that you create in your mind and expect us to notice? How does it work? Do you need a constant state of infatuation? Or is it because we require more intimacy? When infatuation turns into love, it’s natural that the feelings slow and calm down. Perhaps this is what annoys you… I don’t get it. :-/

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are correct Marcella, you do not know.
      We expect you to second guess us, we expect you to know (even though you cannot know) because our default setting is that we are always right and we are never responsible. Therefore it follows by that logic that since we are never wrong or responsible, it cannot be us, it therefore must be you.
      Yes it appears that the transition which you make to this slowing and calming things down is part of what causes the reduction in fuel and thus triggers the devaluation.

      1. Correct me if I am wrong HG. Why do you have to have all your bases covered and inflame situations intentionally to use us as proxies for something that you cannot face up to or man up to? I get that you are like children that stole the candy and lie, but this candy your kind seek would not have attracted your kind in the first place if I may be so blunt to say, a woman is full of the empathy and not picture perfect or far from it, you would be lying if you said that you would make someone a primary source that looked like Gene Simmons for example. So why do you need better, but not bigger when you decide yet your kind always raves on and you are commonly labelled, Too Much because you want more and more and more and more and more and more……that is addiction! That is like a heroin addict that tries to get off it and it is replaced with methadone hits and government okay’s it and even supplies it daily. Your kind cannot just go out one day and think oh I will pick that beautiful flower and I just cannot wait to play love it, love it not daily (like a school jock) as you tear it to bits petal by petal then diminish it through your own selfish and sadistic attempts without the query that your kind are almost Satanists or romp around destroying people like the antichrist. So all I see is FEAR. Every action, strategy to undermine, every technique is abuse and yet if a psychopath done this to a stranger, was caught they would serve time and the crown would pay for the treatment and compensate the victim. There is no difference just because we agree to an intimate relationship, but were not told of the rules and contract, that for one I would never agree to like dizzy whatever her name in that stupid movie, fifty shades of dimwit! Our pain just on this forum alone, is indicative of the brutal and calculated attempts to sever our lives. I don’t know how anyone else feels about this abuse, but I have put the strong warning signals out there, and I have suffered shocking and mind bending abuse and now I am calling the shot.

  23. Maryanne says:

    I am curious..What caused you to seek treatment if you do not believe you are ill?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I did not seek treatment, it was forced upon me.

      1. Em says:

        But you can see the benefits of it now? Or is it a means to an end in terms of whomever made you go? Do you continue the treatment in the hopes of functioning in a more moral way or are you just enjoying learning about your condition and obtaining (albeit mild) fuel from your writing and blog etc? What you are doing for helping victims is invaluable but I doubt that’s at the heart of why you are here? Correct me if I’m wrong!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I can see the benefits.
          I continue because I have to do it. I find the experience interesting and I enjoy learning about myself and those that I interact with.
          You are correct that that is not at the heart of what I do.

          1. Em says:

            Well regardless of your motives I want to thank you, I can be very soft natured but reading your work on kindle on the blog and of course listening to anything I can find on YouTube could have saved me years on mental torture trying to understand and help a person in need, I now know I’m not qualified for the job… plus you have probably saved me a fortune in therapy bills πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Thank you

          2. HG Tudor says:

            You are welcome Em. Yes I am a sound investment in terms of saving you expensive therapy bills.

      2. I don’t care if the psychopath goes and never appears again, how can I force treatment with his continual attempts to set me up which I am resilient to but exhausted from HG? I don’t care an ounce about him and only see him as a disease full blown now, what I cannot tolerate is him using pawns and my own son so it is double the bullying, double the parroting, double the pressure and double trouble! I have protection order and he is entrenched like a boulder and cannot even see how dangerous he is and everything he says that I do, it is actually him! I hate and loath him, I truly hate him. Now he is satisfied because his self loathing (the real hatred of self) has leached out of his private centre where God knows what runs through his manic and calculating brain. Just because he set me up twice he thinks he can make a hobby of it, well he can face the consequences of his behaviour and his disgusting Tourette’s (seems like) tongue! Profanity is his middle name and he plays nice guy double lifer, no one can help him, I don’t want to but I want peace.

  24. Dawn says:

    So could my replacement who is baking for him and massaging his feet whilst giving him an “easy life” finally be the one who fulfills his need enough to make him be faithful and grow up an settle with her? It has been a year of “bliss” for them both 😑 Whereas with me I have suffered because I pulled him up on his mistreatment of me during our 17yrs together. Why isn’t he mistreating her? 😳

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No she won’t be. He isn’t mistreating her because the positive fuel she provides (from the baking,the massaging and more besides) is ensuring the maintenance of the golden period. Her devaluation is ahead however. It is understandable (and indeed engineered) that you will think in such terms, because it keeps you linked to us and makes the inevitable hoover easier.

      1. Em says:

        It sounds like brainwashing! I really can’t read enough and maybe because I got out of my personal situation within a year under a set of circumstances that at the time confused and crushed me, find HG, the blog and listening to his YouTube interviews finally gave me the answers I was searching for, and not a minute too soon as I believe my narc is currently trying to hoover me! Thank god this site came into my life before I gave him the opportunity to hurt me again. I can see how Years and years of that treatment could leave me broken!

      2. Dawn says:

        Hoover of who HG? Me or her? Because he is telling everyone they are welcome to me! He obviously hates me.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Of you Dawn. He says that now, it will alter.

      3. Dawn says:

        HG how will my ex really feel if I become involved with someone else now he’s involved himself with his new fuel …. I am his pure untouched ex. He’s told me to meet someone else and let go because he’s soooo happy with her! 😑 I think a year of him being with her is proving to me that he truly wants her and couldn’t care less about me. He’s never left me and been involved with anyone else in our 17yrs together ( but he has cheated and lied and disappeared etc ) – he’s openly with her though! Even covered the tattoo of my name. So I expect never to hear from him again HG. A hoover is not coming ever….

      4. Lacy says:

        Which do you prefer? New positive fuel or the discarded Hoover fuel?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It depends on the source and the nature of the source Lacy. A co-dependent former intimate partner’s hoover fuel is rather special.

      5. Love says:

        Aw Mr. Tudor, you say the sweetest things. You should date me just to break up with me then hoover me all for my codependent rocket-powered fuel.

        1. Sail Away says:

          Too bad he’s a Narc. I’d fight you for him, girl. πŸ™‚

      6. Love says:

        Lol Sail Away, go ahead … I know Mr. Tudor enjoys watching us fight over him.

    2. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

      Dawn, when did he start your devaluation in those 17 years? I thought a narc relationships can’t last that long. If my narc marries and is in a relationship for more than 3 yrs (how long we were together), i would be happy for him but at the same time feel jealous that it could not be me.

    3. Dawn: There is no bliss, he cannot maintain his faΓ§ade inevitably. The bliss is masqueraded to get to you, to hurt you and coerce you to believe you were a bad partner because it fits his schema, his lies that the new source has been fooled into believing. I don’t know if you see her, but if you do watch closely. Watch her eyes when he is around, look for frowns of confusion or narrowed eyes, there is so much that is hidden from you and he would claim to you, it’s none of your business, yet refuse you any closure. His fuel source in my eyes is more potent from the way in which he knows you are in pain and hurting. She is a constant at the moment and he has two comparisons that he is using in all that he does and engineers to do. Due to what he has done, I fully believe he will have another source that she knows nothing of. I believe that narcissists live in so much fear that they near drive themselves up the wall assuring supply. Almost like they should walk into an airport with the sign that says: I am a baby and I need lots of attention, can someone please adopt me. Desperation and attention seeking intrusive behaviours. They pry when people are in conversation with them, that little not so innocent tilt of the head as they are being sourced even if they are antagonising and challenging a near stranger. Reminds me of some movie where the man twirls his revolting moustache whilst he is taking the P!SS out of someone.

  25. Dawn says:

    HG can I ask if you are still a full blown narcissist, still deriving pleasure from the pain you inflict just to gain fuel? Does it not prick any conscience you may have, reading all your followers heartbreaking stories?
    Does it give you fuel knowing we hang on your words of advice?
    Are you “really” advising us all to help us? Or is it because you make a good living from us?
    I mean no disrespect – I think your an intelligent and fascinating man and I love reading your stuff.
    Would you ever change HG? Are you capable? Do narcissists ever grow up and appreciate love? You say we fail you…. I’m curious how? Narcissists treat us badly so we act differently due to the wounding…so how is this our failure?
    My head is battered HG!! xx

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Dawn,
      1. Yes I am.
      2. No, I have no conscience. I recognise full well the similar patterns and behaviours in what people share.
      3. A small amount of fuel yes, I have always confirmed this to be the case, but because it is from remote strangers, the level of fuel is low.
      4. I am not advising you. I am telling you my perspective and how our minds work, how we act and why. It is for you to decide what to do with it.
      5. Thank you for your compliments.
      6. I see no reason to change. Yet.
      7. Am I capable of change. Others think so.
      8. We appreciate love in the sense of it being fuel.
      9. You fail us by failing to provide fuel at the level of potency/frequency and quantity that we require. It is your failure because it can never be our fault.

      1. Dawn says:

        You see no reason “yet”..? Could you elaborate on that?!
        On your final point of us failing you regarding potency etc – if we are giving you it in abundance, why do you do an about face and then blame us?!! How do you require it HG? You are going to make sure we fail because you orchestrate it that way. Can’t you treat us kind and that way your ensured of the high level of fuel you “require” because we are happy.!! But when you bestow misery on us, we are rightly going to change, and for that we are punished…?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          1. I have noticed some changes during my treatment. I am a bright man and pragmatic. It serves my purposes to remain in this treatment anyway, so I may as well see what it brings.
          2. It is because it no longer serves us effectively and in order to maintain superiority and control, the reason it no longer serves us effectively is because you have done something wrong to affect it adversely.
          3. How do I require it? Potent, fulsome and frequent.
          4. All is as the fuel dictates it to be Dawn.

    2. Dawn great questions and ones that we ponder on every day due to the scars or open wounds left behind and even when you have them still and wish, oh pray, oh wish, oh please God remove him. The nauseous feeling rises each time I read the pain and suffering, long suffering of fellow humans. My head is spinning, as I write because its covert and overt abuse, high level intentional abuse, abuse that can cause death. If it were legal I would send his details to every woman I could to do what they could, trick him and leave him or love him and take him please way from me forever. Seriously it is deranged and toxic and feels like slow poisoning over time. My Christian beliefs are being serrated by my empathy (intense feeling ability) and quite frankly I would gladly swap with HG or him, places because I cannot switch off what I feel and would give anything to be like them and not feel even for relief for a day, a week, a month and onward. I know you are in pain, but it is more painful having them around and in and out of your life using your family as pawns. I was physically punched five times today, I want his crap out of my home and out of my life. He is an infantile thug and highly narcissistic. I don’t know what category HG would place him in but I honestly know deep inside of me that he is psychopath, I know it.

  26. Em says:

    ‘Single yellow’ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ she was funny even in devaluation…. you should have hung onto her for longer πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  27. Dawn says:

    My narc ex left me sat at the table in a restaurant because I asked for an explanation of a pic in his phone- he said I was “paranoid” and walked out without telling me anything. I had to pay the bill for the food that was ordered (and uneaten) and also humiliated in front of other diners by seeing him cause a scene and leave me sat there!!

  28. Love says:

    Happy Sunday again Mr. Tudor. You state: “our reduced range of emotional responses is entirely by design. ”
    By whose design? Is this your design? If so, how can that be when you have limited emotions to begin with? It doesn’t seem like you have the luxury of filtering down to only a small set when you don’t have access to the entire range. It seems like you’re simply making do with what you have.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Love, it is how we were designed by those that created us. We did not choose the limited emotional set. The design afforded to us is to make us more effective in our works.

      1. Love says:

        Forgive me, I’m probably not understanding. It sounds as if you’re saying this design occurred on purpose … Like an evolutionary feature? You were created with limited emotions in order to be more efficient?
        I thought it is more an adaptive feature. A blind person has higher senses to compensate for his lack of sight. Similar to how you use your limited emotions to best serve you.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes it is an evolutionary feature. Whether this evolved for genetic and/or environmental reasons continues to be a matter of debate but what is inescapable is that I evolved to be this way in order to ensure that I survive.

      2. HG,
        You always say you were designed this way. You don’t believe in change? If it was environmental dynamics that shaped you, why do you imagine you don’t have a choice to reshape yourself? I am still successful, popular, intelligent and humorous with, get this, empathy. Yes, I had to fire people. Yes, I had to outsmart others, yes there was times when I had to manipulate. I still can do it with empathy. When you can shut the emotion setting to off to do what needs to be done, it does not mean that you can’t allow yourself time to feel bad or upset for another. You can be happy for others too. I fired my best friend. Had to. Wasn’t pleasant but had to be done. Felt bad for her but, that is what it is. Accept it and move on. I helped her find another job and gave her a letter of recommendation. Was happy that I could help that way. Too normal?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I cannot switch off that which is not there.

          1. I understand. You could cultivate it to grow. Feed it. Your gain is full range of emotion, at will. Balanced. I know you are fine the way you are, it works for you. I will just say, I have more power now than I ever did. It is not weakness to feel. They taught that. Not true. It was a lie. Allowing yourself to feel takes great strength. You have that strength. You just need a safe environment to let it happen. I hope one day you feel safe enough. Truly I do.

      3. Love says:

        Apologies for being so dense. I still do not understand how this can be an evolutionary feature. Having limited emotions is a hindrance. It requires you to obtain fuel to compensate for what you cannot feel on your own.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, having a wide range of emotions is the hindrance, they stop people from achieving things, they distract and detract. The fuel is not to compensate for the lack of emotions, the fuel is there to power the construct. The limited range of emotions is necessary to ensure that fuel harvesting is at an optimum.

          1. Em says:

            So is it your opinion that every successful person has NPD? Really what you have achieved in your life is in spite of NPD, not because of it? Plus you’re actually missing out on some of the really wonderful things in life, real love is amazing weather it be for a partner, friend or child and connecting with other people emotionally is what life is all about, I understand that this might seem weak to you, but in my opinion it takes a strong person to be brave enough to open themselves up to being hurt (and of course that’s happened to us all) but you learn from that and you make better decisions in the future and end up in even better relationships, I can honestly say I wake up happy and go to sleep thankful for all the good people I have in my life, I’d hate if those feelings were not assessable to me. If you stopped sourcing fuel, you’d still be successful, you might have to find to writing material lol but your ability and command of language would still be second to none, that to me is the braver choice. Or do you feel like you even have a choice, would it be like me wishing to have blue eyes instead of brown? There’s no point in even thinking about it because it’s just the way I was born?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Hello Em, no not every successful person has NPD, but may successful people are of our kind (disproportionately so compared to the population) and those that do not have NPD still have strong narcissistic traits.
            I do not feel like a have a choice. The risk is too great.

          3. HG, let me get this straight. Fuel feeds fake HG. Stripped empathetic traits make it easier to feed off others emotions to keep Fake HG going. Creature inside is kept at bay because everyone loves fake HG construct? If incorrect, please correct me, I know you don’t have a problem doing so…lol

          4. NarcAngel says:

            You really are an extraordinary teacher. That made perfect sense to me the first read through.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you.

      4. Love says:

        Hm. If you could feel love and joy, then perhaps you could apply them to yourself. So when the beast attempted to tear you down, your self love would defeat it. I agree with you that having too many emotions is a hindrance in business, financial matters, and maintaining a construct. Yet if you had those extensive emotions, then there would be no need for a construct. And no need for fuel.

  29. Was little HG one of those kids who was like:
    “Oh yeah? Well my Dad can beat up your Dad!” ????

  30. It is a kind of conversation that has taken place with me, for sure. Different arguments, but the same dynamics. πŸ™ Impressive. HG, I wish I had access to you longer ago.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Marcella.

      1. Em says:

        So can I ask what would have happened in the situation that she didn’t get irritated by your behaviour? So you’re late, and the other details seem so obviously trying to get her annoyed, is she simply saw through this and remarked, yes you’re right your watch is lovely and delighted for you re the projects? Is the positive ‘fuel’ worth the same to you in terms of energy?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No it is not as potent as the negative fuel and during devaluation we want the negative fuel more than the positive fuel.

          1. Em says:

            Ok and do you mind me asking if you you see yourself as having a mental illness? I’m sorry if that question offends you, and really I have just started learning about NPD, but I would find it hard to get annoyed at someone for behaving in a way that an illness has caused, if someone is suffering from altzimers I wouldn’t be annoyed at them for being in an unsocial way nor would I be inclined to want to be in a relationship with them, to me so far from my reading this condition has all the traits of a mental illness

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I don’t consider myself to be ill, but I know others do.

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