Keep It In The Family

keep-it-in-the-family

The narcissistic dynamic and the effects of our kind are all-pervasive. Nobody is untouched by us in their lives. Whether it is the stranger we smile at in the lift and receive a smile in return, thus gaining a dollop of fuel, the doggedly loyal friend who is in awe of us and does whatever we want or the smitten and confused discarded primary source, we are everywhere. You find us walking down the street, in your workplace, at the bar, in the hospital, in your bed and also in your family.

Much of what is written about our kind appertains to the romantic ensnarement of an unwitting victim who falls madly and deeply in love with us, suffers the cruelty of devaluation and then is tossed aside with no explanation before being hoovered back in and the process begins once more. This is the case because this type of narcissistic dynamic is amongst the most devastating owing to the strength of feeling, the close proximity between narcissist and victim and the period of exposure. The targeting of somebody to be our intimate partner primary source is regarded as the most obvious engagement with our kind and fits the standard model of seduction, devaluation, discard and hoover.

Of course, as I have shown, there is much more than this standard model, with the targeting period, the initial seduction and then the seduction golden period, the stranger zone, the respite periods and so on. Furthermore, there are variances for those who are intimate partner secondary sources or those who find themselves the dirty secret intimate partner secondary source. There is also the situation with inner and outer circle friends who are secondary non-intimate sources who enjoy elongated golden periods and those who a tertiary sources who may experience a short blast of seduction and no golden period or the malice of a malign hoover from the very beginning. Whilst the methodology of our kind has many similarities, there are also many variations dependent on the nature of the source which we are entangled with and this is equally applicable to the family.

Family members are nearly always secondary sources to the narcissist. The majority are non-intimate but in certain instances there are family members who are intimate secondary sources.

Occasionally there may be a situation where a family member is a primary source. These are rarer but certainly not unheard of. Again, these are mainly non-intimate but there are also intimate examples too. If the family member is a primary source, there is a greater likelihood of intimacy than as a secondary source.

The family instance is varied. You may have a narcissistic parent or grandparent, a sibling may be the narcissist, a cousin or your child or children may be narcissists. Blended families may also bring in a step-relative who is a narcissist. The issue of a family member being narcissistic is a wide one, with a variety of permutations and in this article I will be addressing some of the key aspects of the narcissist in a family sense, providing an introductory overview, with later articles focussing on individual areas of this whole dynamic.

There is no seduction when there is a non-intimate relationship between a narcissist and a blood family member. This is because the familial relationship has already created a bond and a sense of obligation which seduction would otherwise create. The narcissist does not need to establish a connection. In all other dynamics with a narcissist, the victim starts out as a remote stranger or a stranger. They may remain in that place and are seduced purely for the provision of a one-off or repeated bursts of fuel. Think the stranger in the lift or somebody who a narcissist flirts with online. This individual may become a secondary source by becoming a friend or a colleague and then be promoted to a primary source thereafter. The promotions may be swift but in order to draw the individual to them to begin with there must be a seduction. This does not happen with the family member

  • You know the narcissist as your parent or grand-parent and you have an established connection with them from birth;
  • You know the narcissist as your child and you have an established connection from their birth;
  • You know the narcissist as a sibling or a cousin and you have an established connection from your birth or theirs, dependent on who is the elder.

This connection creates a sense of obligation.

  • As a parent you are obliged to look after your child;
  • As a child you are obliged to be under the control of your parent;
  • As a sibling or a cousin, you are obliged to be connected to them by reason of blood

Thus the narcissist does not need to seduce the family member to create the bond. The bond has already been established by reason of being a family member. This saves the narcissist considerable work.

The exception to this is where the narcissist wishes to ‘elevate’ the source to an intimate secondary source or an intimate primary source, namely through the commission of incest and invariably it is abusive in nature. For this to happen, the narcissist must engage in seduction to bring about the intimacy. This will involve manipulations to bring about this coercion, isolation from other family members and external influences and the clear use of incentives and more over threats to ensure that the incestuous activity is kept hidden.

The dynamic between a familial narcissist and his or her victim will fall into one of these categories:-

  • An elongated golden period where the victim is always treated well, akin to an inner circle secondary source. This is where the familial victim is treated as a secondary source. This individual will be accorded golden or favoured status. Thus a sibling will be the favourite, the child will be the golden child, a parent will be favoured over the other, a cousin will be seen as a favourite. The position of being golden or favourite is not an exclusive one. It is entirely permissible for the narcissist to have two cousins who are favoured, two siblings who are favoured or a parent to have two golden children. What there must always be when there is one or more relative who is favoured or golden, there has to be a scapegoat relative as well who is of equivalent ‘rank’. Thus with the golden child or children, there will be one child who is the scapegoat, a narcissistic child may favour his or her biological parents and scapegoat the step-parent and so on. This is necessary because the narcissist needs somebody to compare against to create the favouritism. Remember, we always want to deploy contrasts (think being placed on the pedestal and then thrown to the ground, the provision of great sex which is then removed etc) because contrast is the catalyst for better drama, greater emotional output and thus more potent fuel.
  • Where the familial victim is installed as a primary source, they will experience the similar pattern to that of a non-familial primary source, namely a golden period to begin with but then devaluation will follow in due course.
  • An elongated devaluation period which is punctuated by Respite Periods. This is akin to the recognised pattern of behaviour between a narcissist and the primary source. Here the familial victim is subjected to the denigrating manipulations of the narcissist and every so often will experience relief from this state by receiving a Respite Period where a golden period is visited on the victim. The distinction here however is that the familial victim does not experience a golden period to begin with. There is no need for one since there was no need for seduction, this already occurred through the familial bond which exists. This is where the individual is treated as a familial secondary source. The victim is cast as a scapegoat and then favoured. In this scenario there will be vacillation between two sources. Source A is the golden child. Source B is the scapegoat. Source A is then made the scapegoat and Source B becomes the golden child before it changes again.
  • An elongated devaluation period which does not have any respite periods, but the victim gains some relief from the devaluation because they are a secondary source and therefore the narcissist does not call on them with the same frequency for fuel. During those periods when the narcissist is not drawing fuel, the victim is left alone. There is however no positive behaviour towards the victim (as there is when there is Respite Period). This typically occurs between the adult narcissist and adult familial victim because they do not live together and because the victim is a secondary source, so the narcissist is not making daily demands for negative fuel against the victim. However, whenever there is an interaction between the narcissist and the victim it is always negative in nature, the victim is cast as the perpetual black sheep of the family, always the scapegoat.

A familial primary source is rarely discarded but would be demoted to a secondary source, when the narcissist secures a non-familial primary source instead.

A familial secondary source is rarely discarded. If the familial secondary source engages in behaviour which is regarded as traitorous and treacherous by the narcissist, rather than discard the individual (which is less likely because of the familial bond) they will maintain that individual as a perpetual scapegoat instead.

If a familial primary or secondary source tries to escape the narcissist then there will be hoovers using the familial dynamic (other family members will readily become compliant as Lieutenants) in order to draw the individual back under the narcissists control. Escape is usually much harder for the victim because the existing familial bond is especially burdensome to the victim in terms of guilt, wanting to help and having a sense of obligation towards their relative.

Narcissists utilise familial Lieutenants regularly and it is very rare to find a narcissist without one. This might be the other parent where the child is a narcissist or if one of the parents is a narcissist, it may well be a sibling (especially if they are afforded golden child status) who is used and triangulated with the scapegoated victim.

Family members are almost always significant members of the façade. This is because they are in denial as to the behaviour of the member of the family, unable to accept that a blood relation would act in such a manner, preferring not to confront the behaviour, to dilute its effect and minimise it instead.

These are just some of the key elements of a familial narcissistic dynamic and various elements and strands of this will be detailed and focused on in due course.

 

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56 thoughts on “Keep It In The Family”

  1. Im experiencing this right now with my narcissistic common law husband & his 15 yo teenage son (whom hes saddly tormented his entire life, turning him into a narcissist). His 13 yo daughter fought her way to go live with her mother & hates him (her dad, my husband). I believe (bc of more evidence than not) that hes molested her for some time. The authorities were notified and nothing done about it. Im trying to work as much as I can so I can move but he makes it almost impossible. Im afraid when I do he will sexually abuse his son, as he has No limits when it comes to sex. I caught him doing something with the little dogs we have as I opened the bedroom door & he pushed them away and covered up, twice now.
    He even triangulates the 3 little dogs against each other, one being My dog. Hes one of the most sickest, lowest scum bags Ive ever met or known. And its amazing how a narcissist can hide and fool ppl of such lowly qualities.

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  2. And to add, he ensnared his ex wife when she was only 16 yo After fooling around with her drug & drunkard mother. He was 34 yo at the time and of coursex she was from a very broken disfunctional family. He then got her pregnant, having 2 babies back to back with her. They lasted 7 yrs after she had affairs, divorced, & has since remarried. But oddly, she is the only one hes “afraid” of and “gives in” to a fight with her. But wont to anyone else, especially me. I dont understand that dynamic and why tho.

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    1. I am going through almost the same exact situation. My common law husband has a 15 year old son, as well as a 12 year old daughter. He recently came to me with the notion that I should be the one who should sleep with his son for the first time. For me, this brings on a serious concern as we are expecting a baby in 2 weeks time, a daughter at that. I have wondered why he would request such a thing, and I’m starting to realize the dynamic of devaluation. I think he is afraid to lose his son as a source of fuel, so he wants to ensnare him using his hormones. If daddy has something that his little boy wants, it’s a total control. He’s actually wanting the son to move in with us soon. I am trying to make sense of this all and understand how twisted this man really is. He also succumbs to his ex wife of 12 years. I virtually am of no threat. I do not understand it.

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      1. Dito! They’re basically cut from the same mold , just different sprinkles, & flavored syrups.

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  3. Excellent Lead in to the dynamics of familial narcissism HG. I hope this view will help people understand what unfolds in a household that displays these behaviors. This will also explain what creates a Narcissist as well as an empath. I would love to explain my family dynamics but sense I don’t trust putting it out there, I won’t. However, seeing your view of it and how it relates to my life experiences will prove interesting. I am sure to learn something or validate my thoughts as you are a most excellent writer/teacher. Thank you for your endeavors. 💙

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  4. The mid narc in my life has adopted 2 young Asian girls, one who is autistic and does not speak. I can only imagine what his plans are to exploit them as its not possible for him to care for them in a real capacity. HG, what insight can you provide here?

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    1. They will become little mirrors of himself used to extract fuel from other parties (see how good he is adopting those girls) and then to mould and groom to supply fuel to him for his own purposes. They will not have the appropriate emotional support as he is incapable of providing it and he will exploit them for fuel and residual benefits. There may also be an increased sexual abuse risk given that (a) he is a narcissist and (b) they are not blood relatives.

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      1. My husband took me and my girls in. We share one daughter. He makes accusations of me being incestuous with them. For the record I’m not and even took them all to a doctor on his accusations. He also says if we loved him we would let him participate. I told him he needed help and those sick twisted desires were ‘ll in his head. He constantly makes threats of wanting me to show him true love or will leave. I’m emotionally broken from this sickness. I would never let him touch my kids, but I did find out he showed my one daughter inappropriate pictures. I left him when I found out. We ended up working things out but then he is now talking easy again. Saying if I don’t start letting him in with the incest he ill leave us and only talk to his one daughter we share. I told him that he was sick and needed help and now he has shut me out completely. He only calls to talk to our daughter, but I heard him asking her if I’m talking to anyone. I’m sad that the man I fell for is a narcissist and has these sick thoughts. I want him to get help so he an be a dad but I’m not sure if its safe. I don’t trust him but he is not well. Do you think I have something to worry about with him hurting my daughters?

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  5. Family family….. Where to begin. Stepfather lesser malignant and extremely violent. Mother yet to be categorized (by me) but who was emotionally distant and catered to his whims while expecting same by us. Used us to shield herself. Half-sister (his biological) extreme empath who would find reasons to defend his behaviour. Younger half-brother ( his biological) who is narcissist and the spitting image of him in looks and actions. Another brother extremely damaged by narc mentally and physically ( the scapegoat) and lives far from us but who appears to have found peace with a wife and two children. And then theres me, who has empathy (to a degree) but who most find to be logical and cold where it comes to relationships ( intimate or otherwise), and who when encountering narcs , manipulative people, or people who I determine to be abusive or neglectful (especially of children) has a dragon awakened inside that seeks to burn them in retaliation of having no voice against my narc as a child and is very patient and methodical in doing so. Quite a collection.

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  6. I didn’t realize the golden child / scape goat could change. I am seeing that is exactly what has happened in my family. I used to be the golden child growing up, and my sister the scape goat. Now, I find I am the scape goat and she is the golden child. I also think that I committed what the narcissist would consider to be a treasonous treacherous act, and now we don’t talk at all. I have been no contact for several months now since every interaction we have is negative and an attack on me as you mentioned. I have no doubt there is a smear campaign against me now as it’s not just the narcissist who thinks I betrayed the family but many others do as well. Does the smear campaign provide fuel even if the victim went no contact?

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  7. Uh…I just realized I was unintentionally misleading. It’s not the narcissist who caused other family members to think of me as betraying the family…it’s a life choice I made 2 years ago they disagree with that caused them to feel this way. Though, I would think the narcissist would take full advantage of this fact and use it to gossip about me and further smear me.

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      1. I converted to a religion my relatives don’t approve of. It was the ultimate betrayal for some of them especially my aunt and uncle.

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  8. Describing my brother and mother and the rest of my family exactly. Wish I had known about this sooner

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  9. Hmmm and when they become trecherous -is this where the punishment fits the crime?

    She learned she could not comtrol me once she let me out of her sights.
    The only thing I was happy about is before she died she didnt remember who I was and I could step back into that house and spend time with the only mother I ever knew. She thought I was her nurse and happy to see me.

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  10. HG I am curious what would happen if the empath decided to stare down the one who controled things? I am curious as to their perspective of this.

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  11. I moved from my matrinarc and narcissistic very long term boyfriend to different country just to be ensnared here for life by another one…. and having kids with him… there is no life for me nor anything will ever change…

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  12. True on who invented the look to kill, no arguement here.
    The only thing impossible is returning a malvolent glare, not the stare itself.
    Yet is it from the glare or what emanates from the person that makes one back off?

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  13. Hi , hope your Thanksgiving was nice. I’m reading a lot these days.. I’ve yet to come across any link between DNA and Narcissism . I ask because many years ago, I did a genegolgy on my exs fathers side..it was found that his grandfather and his 2 and 3 times grandfathers all left their wife’s and children as well… ( research I found was that all of the wife’s were sent to mental institutions) furthermore, my ex has 4 brothers, and during our 24 year marriage, ALL of the brothers have left their wife’s and children to never speak with the kids again.. one of the brothers hasn’t spoke with his children In 28 years… ALL of the siblings are addicts and or drunks..so there is that as well..he also has a sister and a brother (same mother, different father) who are wonderful and very active in their children’s lives, I found that my exs mothers father also left his wife and her (monster in law) and that lady was also sent to an assin asylum…all of the great information you have given to us.. do you have any information on DNA and if it is linked or is it maybe just the treatment of how one was raised, passed down generations.. Thanks so much for all you do for us!!

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    1. Hello All Done, there are those that suggest that narcissism is heritable and others maintain that there are environmental factors which result in it. I know form my experience and what I have since learned that it was the environment which had the greatest impact but then of course my sister grew up in a similar environment and she became a co-dependent. I am beginning to think that there is some genetic predisposition which is unlocked by the addition of the considerable environmental factors. Of course, for all the instances one can point to, there will be anomalies and exceptions and it requires further research and empirical studies, but the nature of the condition militates against that happening.

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      1. Thank you.. my concern is for my kids.. I’ve also learned the even thou there was MANY ‘traits during the marriages of all.. it seems that when my exs brothers ( and my ex) hit roughly 45 to 55 years old is when it really reved up.. my son is all me and my side.. however my daughter has many traits of “them” ( no disrespect meant) she does seem to gravitate back to me always , she has recently lived with her father for a very short time, and has come home very disdraught.. I feel like my daughter has been trying to get love and affection and attention,( he couldn’t be bothered..as I said before he lives with his mom and she also couldn’t be bother with her) from father whether it be good or negative.. one of the nieces has asked me about her father, do you have any articles that will help her deal with the “missing parent” ? I’ve tagged her In some of your articles, however they are mostly helping the wife. What I did forget to tell you is that my exs dad had a previous marriage and 1 son resulted .. he never spoke with him again.. also the moms dad that left her never spoke with her again. So it seems that both mother and father were narcissistic.. a double whammy..( for lack of a better term😀). I will also go out on a limb … and say I do believe that there is DNA linking.. sometime In the future, I think they will find this out.. what a shame that 5 children brought many children and grandchildren in to this world only to ignore and disregard..( my point of view) . I will say that all the mothers that these Narc choose were and are very strong women.. lol not one of us is in a nut house …yet..😂 My nephew from that side says he will never have kids.. he’s afraid of when he gets to be a certain age he will do the same.. I also have him some info recently, he is very interested in your writings…by the way, I’m sorry if I missed this, do you have siblings? Are any of your extended family members the same? ( besides your mother) I hope that’s not personal..

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      2. Sorry I did see you have a sister, but how far into the family can you see this trait, is actually what I was trying to ask.. thanks for your input!

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      3. So here goes… I was very unwilling to give out this info.. but I feel its beneficial.. my real mom and real dad were married for 20 years, 4 kids came of that…they divorced , amicablely.. my father was WONDERFUL to me, I was very close to him.. he remarried a woman …..who had 7 children, 2 from first marriage and 5 from a second marriage..I was five when they divorced, my mother remarried her high school sweetheart soon after the divorce.. my dad married my exs mom…(whose 2nd husband had died)..oh god, .sounds creepy…there was no blood, no children resulted in the marriage, I never lived there and the boys were not considered “siblings” To me and my siblings..they were married 30 years .. my father was very good to her.. I was very good to that whole family.. it was a very close relationship with them.. ( cause my ex was close with his mom and I was close with my dad..) when my dad died two years ago.. all hell broke loose, me and my sister and brother.. ( one of my brothers is passed away to to drug addiction) were shunned.. this caused many many problems cause me and my ex were what I thought still happy.. she at any chance she could berated my dad and treated me and my sister and brother horrible, talking shit to my children about me behind my back and in front of my kids and the ex refused to stand up for me, even thou he said he thought his mom wrong..he said he would handle it .. he didn’t .. so I did.. she disrespected my fathers burial .. in ways that we’re not forgivable.. nothing ever was the same once I stood up for “my” family. I remember reading something from you about ” the family Narc unit will always stick together . I also know that all of them knew he was cheating on me for 6 months before he left, but “nobody ever knows anything with them, they just all stopped talking to me. I tell you this cause I also remember reading that the Nar likes to seduce people close and I. The family, again there is nothing by blood or anything to suggest that it was wrong, so our children share the blood but we do not.. this is why I worry about my children..I’m a chatty Kathy today cause I’m home sick with the flu…seems in having a moment… so my point is that even thou just the “regular mistreatment is bad” but this situation has fuc@#d up mine and my children’s life on a whole nother level… the extended family as well, my sister and her hubby and kids and grandkids, my brother and his wife and his kids and grandkids they have shut ALL of us out, to protect his indecent behavior.. ( well they don’t think is is) … one last thing
        HG, you write and speak so elegantly and as far as I can see very educated..(some fuel😘) not one of the siblings 5 of them have graduated, they all have ADHD, reading comprehension problems and writing is eligible… is this a common factor with Narcissism?

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  14. NA I do understand what the glare means, it just doesn’t effect me. I make a decision at that point continue or change immediately.
    I have to have a reason thou it’s always when I become protective, You never turn your back on what’s deadly and you don’t look away.
    It’s also at this point I know it is not always at this moment retaliation comes.
    And payment always comes, usually by knife in the back. Figuratively speaking.

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  15. One last thing.. my father, on the morning of my wedding told me to not go thru with the wedding….and later I found out that he called my mother daily for 2 weeks before the wedding and tried to get her to “Talk to me” he always said there was something wrong with that family , and that he couldn’t put a finger on it…well we all know what that was now, don’t we…🤔 . Makes me think of the “Crystal Ball Gazing”.
    I really have been reading a lot, since I’m home sick… 🤒😁 have a lovely afternoon…

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  16. Thanks for this post HG. The subject interests me a lot, so I look forward to reading more about it.
    I also come from a family of narcissists and co-dependents. At this stage, I have the impression, from my very limited observation, that men have more tendency to develop narcissism than women. Could testosterone play a role at this as it does seem to push men to have a more aggressive and physical behavior? Are women biologically more inclined to feel empathy as they are supposed to care for offspring while men need to show courage and power and go hunt animals without much empathy? I do not know. Maybe. Is there a gene that makes us more or less empathic than the average human beings? I have no idea. But if there is one, I don’t think it could make someone a narcissist without all the toxic environment narcissists and co-dependent usually grow in. I personally think that environment is more important than genetics. But I am not a scientist.
    I come from a family of women (I would say 90%). I do see more co-dependents (with strong narcissistic traits) than narcissists in it. Other narcissists have come to the family through marriage.
    My mother is a greater narcissist. I believe her brother, my uncle, is one as well. My mother divorced my father when I was 7 years old and moved to another city with her three daughters (I am the second one). For many years she smeared our father and made sure we had a very negative opinion of him. One of the worst remarks she could make was “you remind me of your father”.
    She also made sure we did not have any contact with him. Occasionally, he would come to visit us, but the visit would always end up in drama between the two of them. He would also call once or twice a month but usually the call would end with my mother hanging up on him. My father was not a saint but I know now that my mother punished him severely and got a lot of fuel from him. He died many years ago.
    My mother did not have any boyfriends after her divorce. There were guys interested in her but she was not interested. I am pretty sure she did not enjoy being physically intimate with men. Besides, she cultivated the image of the mother that does everything for her children and who sacrifices her personal life for them. So, with no intimate partner around and my father appearing only sporadically, she had only my sisters and I to extract fuel from. And she did extract it big time. Triangulation was her favorite method.
    This brings me (finally!) to my question for you HG. You say that a family member will be a primary source only occasionally. I understood that a primary source is the main one from which narcissists get their fuel, which is usually an intimate partner. However, in the case of a single narcissistic mother, I believe it is often children that become their primary source. Ok, in my case we were three and maybe that diluted the extraction, or multiplied it. I do not know. Maybe other narcissistic mothers did have boyfriends and used them as primary sources. Possible. But I do not think we are a rare case. With divorce rates being so high nowadays, I am sure there are a lot of people who grew up in a situation similar to mine.
    Anyways, I would like to read your input on this, please. Does there have to be an intimate relation to be a primary source? If so, does that mean that we were kind of secondary sources to my mother and that she was satisfied with our fuel and the fuel she got from others?
    Thanks in advance.

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  17. My narc husband always claimed I was incestuous. He said he had been around it his whole life. I couldn’t fathom that because I never was around that sick behavior. I came from a good and caring Non incestuous family. He made numerous accusations about his exes too about them and their families being incestuous. He was so convincing. Then when he accused me I knew he was lying. He became infatuated with me and would tell e if I loved him if would let I’m watch and once I felt secure he wanted to participate. He focused on my girls and said I was having sex with them. They were babies. Only 14 and 9. He would tell e he pulled himself to what he saw. Now I know he was delusional because he often said he heard and saw things that never happened. He drove crazy with his allegatiins, but yet when he was good I felt wanted. So I would forget his rants and accusations. He physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me but I was to ashamed to admit it to anyone. He finally gave me a ultimatum to let him participate with me and my kids or he would leave. After pleading that I don’t do that he called me a inch of names and went no contact. Now, we do share a child. He seems overly possessive of her. I also believe he might have been molesting her or getting off to her because she made comments to me that he was touching his thing below and being silly. Then she said he would play horsy. Where she would pretend he was horse. I can’t clarify it but he did make comments like she had a cute butt and was so good like him. I started coming home on my lunch break, and leaving work to check up on her so he knew I was watching. Then I got fed up and told him what she said. He got abusive and went to live with his parents. He told them I was incestuous and I was abusing the kids. They believed him. I kept records of is I’m text and letters o show he was the sick one. He would try to get me to ask family members to have threesoms. There was no way in he’ll I was doing that. But to have my child have her dad who she adored. I offered to find another woman to give him one. Oh yes, and while I was pregnant he gave me a ultimatum to either get someone in my family to do it or e was leaving me and my child. I was scared so I asked my aunt if she would. I’m so embarrassed to say this. When we rented a room I was shaking so bad. I was about three months pregnant. He and her were having sex and I couldn’t do it. I sat at the edge of the d shaking and crying. He told me to watch and to touch him. I tried but couldn’t. She started to see that I was really hurt and he it frustrated. So she left while he made me lay down to finish inside me. I was crying but he didn’t care. He just finished nd told me thanks. But later that day he said we should have been fucking all night and that it was a bull shit make up to him for my ignorant behavior. He left anyways. I’m sick to my stomach for even getting that far with him. Fast forward six more years. We have been on and off and now he has completely gone no my act because I wouldn’t let him as he says ” participate” with the kids. I have NEVER touched my kids or any kids or even though of doing such sick acts. So now he only wants to talk to the kids and not me. He doesn’t want to at or see my voice or face he says. And I’m now getting to where I don’t care. My babbies are not going to used as any ones sick pleasure. I will die defending them from being harmed. I can’t believe I stayed so long. His charm made me want I’m re and his looks were so sexy and I was blinded by his charisma. Now I see him and am repulsed. He made fun out of my weight and anything really. Then he would lift me up. This roller coaster was so sadistic. I was brainwashed by his charm. I feel so stupid. Now I have to sit back and watch him woo children with his false charm and be a good daddy. He isn’t shit. He is a sick twisted individual that can’t be trusted around anyone. How can i keep my kids safe yet still let his daughter have contact with him? What is he getting from contacting her and my kids? Can i put my foot down and only give him certain times and days? I’ve let myself go, my hair is literally liking out like a cancer paitent, I can’t work, think or funtion. His abuse as debilitated me. Please help me.

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  18. Hello HG Tudor. Thank you for what you are doing here. My situation is this:

    I am stuck in a house with my family.
    As my siblings and I were growing up with our grandparents my grandmother made me the Golden child and my siblings the scapegoats.
    I now live in my mother’s house where my sister is pretty much the Golden child. I was almost always the scapegoats to my mother because of my grandmother making me the Golden child at her house.
    Right now I pretty much stay in one room to avoid contact with anyone only coming out when I have to.
    I minimize contact by only speaking when spoken to. Could anyone suggest any other ways I can handle this situation? Thank you

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    1. You have put in place an effective reduction of interaction. You ought to also ensure you understand why the dynamics are as they are, recognise the manipulations and why they happen so you are less affected by them and able to evade them. Naturally, you also need to look at getting out of the house at some point.

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  19. What is a niece who is not blood related but was raised by him and covertly sexually abused by her non-blood related uncle, who is a narcissist? IPSS? SS? I know that his wife/the aunt is IPPS.

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  20. HG how can you tell if someone is just a rude spoiled trust fund kid or a narc? Can having money make someone narcissistic?

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    1. Consult with me and I will give you the answer. Having money alone would not make somebody a narcissist but it would certainly shape and draw out narcissistic traits.

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