The Narcissistic Truths – No. 53

i-fear-you-engulfing-me

0
Advertisements

41 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 53”

  1. HG,
    Interesting Photo. Fading out.
    I wonder if you fear it and attempt to master that fear by making the other person lose their identity and you envelop them before they can do it to you?

    0
    1. My Morher “loved” him and I witnessed as a child her engulfment. Therefore love=engulfment. So I get it- get to them first. Most of the narc behaviour seems logical to me and I participate in some of them, but I did not navigate the corner all the way to “take no prisioners”. Its a strange position being between the 2 camps but Im comfortable here. No love but no corpses either. Its all I know.

      0
      1. NA,
        I wondered if you choose when to be more one way or the other? Remaining centered, yet consciously able to choose one way or another? Thanks in advance for your answer.

        0
      2. Hi FTW. I quickly want to correct a poor choice of wording I used previously when I said I “seek out bad men”. I am not in pursuit of any type of “fuel” so I only seek out more about them after they wander into my path. People are drawn to me for many reasons so I am in constant interaction with them in both a work and personal capacity. I am told I am humorous, a good listener, blunt but fair, and of high moral character (Ha! well they say I’m the shit but that sounded nicer didn’t it?). If they only knew the secrets locked away in other compartments. It is not until I encounter someone who behaves in a way that suggests they are superior to me or cause harm to others without merit (I decide in that moment) that my dragon awakens. I feel it physically-a slow simmering heat in my stomach that grows. I hear it- a barely detectable growl at first. The surface remains calm and unfazed while I watch closely and collect more data. I will also encourage further interaction where possible to be close to them to “feel” them. It also helps that I am in a position to secure a great deal of personal information about individuals. I can be quite the little actress thanks to my Step-Narc and Im a patient Mofo so I watch, wait, and collect until the confrontation. It can be immediate with a wounding remark or weeks and months to see my plan through. Whatever it takes to feel satisfaction and extinguish the fire. That is physical too. I feel like I am draining power from them. Power that was taken from me long ago. And yes I know they are not the Step-Narc (I had my special time with him before he died), but they are his kind and think they’re “so damned smart” and I am here to tell them that they are not the only masters of “Things are not always as they appear”.

        0
      3. NA,
        Thanks again for responding. So its basically a proxy for step narc? I wondered if you and I had some similarities. You are exhibiting sociopathic tendencies. I used to be alot like you. I have balanced myself pretty much. I can still flip the switch when I need to, but really don’t find that necessary anymore. Only in certain situations would I disassociate my feelings now. That is why I picked Narc men too, a payback. I would hook them and abandon them. Every relationship was 2 years or less. Just get the ring then leave. It was a game. I was really only hurting myself and wasting time. It was all stemming from childhood trauma. They all came to me too, i was haughty. I am not hating on you btw, You do what makes you happy. I get it. I get the narc and I get the empath. I am very happy now. I am in a relationship with a person who loves me. I did have some boredom issues, but thats because I got hoovered this year by one of the ex narcs after 29 years, He triggered the old me, but I found HG and went no contact. Getting back to calm happy life with no chaos. Its never really been boring he just made me want to fall back into an unhealthy pattern and I immediately wanted to get back in the game to see if I could get him to leave his wife. When I started reading HGs works I was forced to look at the logic. This guy would never treat me the way my husband does. He would never love me. I would have lost everything. Was not worth it. I am still fighting the urge to fulfill that nagging itch to replicate that relationship in a certain capacity. There is only one person I would act it out with. Anything less would not do. I don’t believe that to be an option anymore as I am not going to keep giving and not getting. Fortunately I was set straight by the knowledge of H.G. Tudor bringer of happy endings. 💙😘

        0
      4. FTW

        Yes, Ive always known it was about StepN and what better place to lay the pain and rage than with his kind. They can take it. I dont feel Im living in any turmoil day to day. I dont even give him a though until I meet a N and then brain says: you again. And the dragon awakes. Even when dealing with them I can compartmentalize. During one of the biggest outpourings of fuel with one of my Ns, I was calmly making soup in the kitchen, my husband watching tv and visible to me. At one point he asked what I was laughing at (at how the N was fooling himself into thinking he was the puppetmaster) I flipped the iPad closed and proceeded to watch a comedy with my husband. I dont feel what other people refer to as “love”. In fact I have disdain even for that word as you can probably tell. I would say I feel content for the most part and that my husband and I are a good “team”. He appears to have no issues with my demeanour and seems content also. I rarely interact with my Mother and siblings. Theres no denying boredom can be an issue and there is an adrenaline rush (good or bad) interacting with an N, but I never equate that with “love” and I have never felt I have given away any real or good part of myself to them. In fact I can conceed that I am actually greatful in a way to be able to use them for my “therapy” if you will, and not strike out at others. They remain unaffected in the long run due to their delusional abilities. I have noticed since StepN died in 2014 the urge to engage with them is lessening (it depends on how smug they are usually lol). Too long a story for here, but I now own the house of horrors. Bought it from the estate. My husband and I have completely gutted it to the shell ourselves ( no small feat as he was a hoarder). Destroying it has been therapeutic and with each part of the house that is reborn and beautified it has just become a house with no association to him and he is fading further away into oblivion ( their nightmare). Maybe the day will come when I no longer feel I need to get my cape out of the cleaners lol when an N comes to me like moth to flame but until then, I can’t express strongly enough to Empaths that don’t possess my strength, that its not worth it to stay entangled. You’re just punishing yourself for something-find out what that is and fix it instead of destroying your life and more importantly that of your children. And not that Im advicating this but I often think when reading the posts here: If you’re so addicted to the drama of a Narc why dont you just take the golden period and then move on to the next one? Its not like theres a shortage of them out there. Why stay with one who you live in fear of or who hurts you physically when theres a million more just waiting to give you the golden ride of a lifetime. Just ride that bus to the top of Devaluation Boulevard and then transfer to Golden Arch road if you can’t stop searching for the elusive Unicorn they offer. Im glad you have found peace French and Im sure others appreciate that you have not moved on and forgotten to look back to offer a hand when needed. I know a little girl who does and she says thank you, but shes off to take her cape to the cleaners. You know……….just in case.

        0
      5. NA, you intrigue me. I relate to a lot of what you say. I feel like I learned how this all works because I grew up with it, but I chose to control it in a different way than a narcissist. It’s like I have a switch, but i only flip it when I need to protect myself. So far narcs are the only men who haven’t suffocated me or bored me to death. I generally don’t want to hurt anyone, but I can’t help it in my relationships and the switch has to flip. I tend to stay away from nice guys because they can’t handle me and for the most part turn me off. I don’t go looking for narcs though, they come to me.

        0
      6. Hi TP. I hear you on the not wanting to be bored or smothered. Thats why I can “play” with them a bit. I do enjoy the golden period because I can have the fantasy, but I am always aware that it is a fantasy and that it will end (and badly at that). I can even appreciate that they put a lot of work into it so I give them the fuel they need during that time A give and take if you will. Of course they think theyre doing all the taking but whatever gets you through…..until I know theyre invested and want my fuel source and then I relish in knowing that I will deny it to them and they will have to go to another source or be weakened. Its the price they must pay for underestimating me. In one case after a physical meeting where I questioned his performance, I knew he would impose a silent treatment and he did (for being so special you’d think they could deviate from the playbook more often) so after week 3 I texted: we good? (Fuel yes I know). He answered immediately: for sure babe, just been crazy busy. I know his hours and knew he would not be able to access until it was too late a message I left, so he returned home to find my story outlining how I had unmasked him months ago complete with dates, times, and quotes. When and how he had been played, how he had tripped himself up, personal things about him, his family, and job that he thought I could never possibly know or find out. That he was not very clever and I was helping him up his game by telling him. Told him to lick his wounds and move on and all would stay our secret( inferring a smear campaign he could ill afford due to his job) . He was furious of course sending texts, emails, and tried other electronic methods all denying and saying I was wrong and had misjudged him. Uh huh. I loved to think of him frantically thrashing with rage the same way they think we’re twisting in the wind without them. So I’d say Im less a switch and more of a slow simmer.

        0
      7. Slow simmer..I like that. I sooo appreciate all you’ve shared NA. I wish I understood earlier like you did. This side of me had been dormant until about a year ago and its been totally freaking me out. I’ve never met anyone who acts like me. I was ready to just accept my fate as far as intimate relationships go, but you have pulled off what seems impossible to me. I feel like I can’t get better without becoming someone I’m not, but you’re still you. Thanks for being you.

        0
  2. Where do all the images for your blogs come from?
    The are hauntingly accurate and nothing like I’ve seen before.
    I love connecting with the imagery.

    0
  3. HG. What a coincidence. I fear you engulfing me as well. No, this isn’t mirroring.

    On a serious note, thank you for another honest reveal into your fears.

    0
  4. Do you know what’s so interesting about you images HG? I’ve written a poem to most of them or have seen most of yours on the net. I love art as well. I express my poetry using images too. How ironic. And as you’ve probably come to notice (or will soon) all my poems are regarding my narc.

    0
  5. I don’t understand this. My N is a very passionate person with many likes, dislikes, skills etc. I know he did some mirroring but if this was his concern, I certainly never saw a glimpse. I’m sure I’m misunderstanding.

    0
    1. Most would not recognise that the IP could sense those fears if nothing was said. A Greater would , but would shrug it off through the application of manipulations.

      0
  6. You want the fuel to engulf you. That is about it.

    I do wonder though – what if you allowed yourself to be engulfed because the IP provided absolutely everything and anything you could ever want, without fail.

    And in turn, she allowed herself to be engulfed by you, thus creating something so perfect, it could never be rivaled or matched.

    Assuming you believe this could ever happen or be possible.

    0
  7. In other words use it to your advantage to maintain control. Sneaky yet brilliant, at least from how I am seeing things.
    I see the advantages to this for both. A give and take.

    0
      1. Hello HG, I have heard you say that you know the world is out to get you. Do you know why and when you first felt that way?
        Is it because you go through life needing the fuel to survive and we don’t? Is it the jealousy that you have for us?
        If you know the answer can you correct that line of thinking?
        I know you don’t believe me, but we aren’t out to get you. We just want to love you.

        0
      2. For as long as I care to remember and especially following The Incident.
        I feel like this because it is true. The world is a spiteful and vicious place that must be controlled otherwise it will topple me as it has tried several times in my past, but I am mastering it now.
        Can I correct my line of thinking SW? That would mean that my line of thinking is incorrect and it is not.

        0
      3. It’s spiteful and vicious, HG, because of you and your kind. Unfortunately, when you were much younger and growing through the most informative years of your life, it was your kind that made you think and believe the way you do. It was your kind who stole your soul. It was your kind who robbed you of a peaceful existence. They wrote all over the slate of who you were supposed to be and you picked up where they left off because that was all you knew. Who knows, maybe a day will come when you can break free from that spiteful and vicious world you’ve been living in since you were a little boy.

        0
  8. This picture is very interesting to me. First the 3 stages of men they change and women’s plaster mould behind the men’s back, remaining the same, but the man changes she does not. Her Eyes half open? Her eyes Half closed? So not interested, but watching? Or eyes half open about men or eyes half closed about men?They are ever present throughout the mens life. The men are statuesque. A version of the same material as the women but more solid. She is the mould. Is she what molds the men? The cloudy cover yet still revealing. On surface seem to be sitting on top of the world they are on. However, the top part of the photo center of that universe? World? Interesting it’s above, not center of picture, it is at the top almost looking down like an eye. The hurricane like swirl around planet. Stormy. Swirl motion, chaotic? Or close up of a nipple (you know me..lol). The women and men are firmly fixed. She is only the head, the mind behind these men? Driving force? The men are whole business like. Are the women seductive? Beautiful? Is she the force behind the men, or have they turned their back on her? Again women are not a whole person, men are. They are an object? Exhibition? Is this woman in the back of the man’s mind? She is not solid. Not whole. He is. She stays the same as far as men’s dress changes, different stages, she is never changing. The man changes, both fade away eventually. He stays more solid she fades as he grows older? Wiser? The colors, pinkish hue, bluish hue, yellowish hue, gray areas. Representative of children? Boy, girl, unknown sex of child? Gray areas lines are blurred? Between two worlds? Distance between women and men. Considerable distance. She is or he is or both are distant? Interesting that the fear of engulfing a person is written with this. Is it a calm before the storm? Is the storm brewing? Atmospheres are separated between worlds? Horizon is gray area. What is the future or on the horizon? Unknown gray area? Uncertain?
    Thanks HG for choosing this picture. Really struck my analytical mind. Deep thinking for fun. Thanks for the pleasure provided as well.

    0
      1. I know you have final approval but do you think your minion meant to capture all of that? If so I think they should be promoted. It also begs the question: What do they think you are using these for?

        I imagine the following scenario:

        HG: Minion! Find me a meme that depicts depravity of the highest order. Make sure you’d have to be on massive amounts of dilauded (a NARCotic) to even be able to look at it directly.

        Minion in lunchroom: Take cover! Tudor is online dating again!

        0
      2. My instructions are very clear in terms of what is required, I do the thinking, the minion does the searching. No promotion required. You imagining of the scenes at Tudor Towers is uncannily accurate!

        0
      3. Lolol NarcAngel, that was brilliant! I do believe Mr. Tudor is online dating again. How did you know?
        Did you see him on Match, POF, ChristoanSingles, FarmersOnly, LDSSingles, AsianDating, BlackPeopleMeet, and AmishCrush too?

        0
      4. No Love it was on Soulmates.com did you not see it?

        Accomplished, magnetic individual offering a golden opportunity for that someone special to bare their soul during evenings of quiet relection in front of a roaring fire.

        Possessive of many skills in all rooms of the Manor (wink wink) and keeps an immacuale home (especially adept with the Hoover).

        Enjoys being in the drivers seat and willing to take you on both long adventurous trips and frequent mini-breaks.

        Loves to serenade you, with a favorire being: It will come back (Hozier).

        So if you’re “the one” that can satisfy that “hole” in his life, please apply immediately at 666 Tudorgate Estate Tower 2.

        0
      5. Darn it. One of the captives in your cellar must have been sending out smoke signals again. Haven’t the minions removed all the coal in there?

        0
  9. Your kind wants fuel, but does not want to be engulfed. Is there a certain balance that your kind is looking for? I am interested in understanding the variables better.

    0
    1. We want to subsume you, that way you become controlled by us and in so doing we envisage that you will be able to fulfil your role in terms of fuel provision.

      0
  10. I don’t think your line of thinking is incorrect but I believe that things that you once believed to be true can change. Alternative solutions might present themselves to you. Can’t help but to root for you HG.
    You make up the rules and you change them. You will always have control.

    0

Leave a Reply