“I know what you are.”
How many times have you wanted to tell the abuser you have become entangled with that you have finally worked out what they are? It might be during your period of abuse, it may be when you have cast aside, it might be when you have been hoovered back in, but you have eventually gained some insight and enlightenment and I know your desire to impart this knowledge is overwhelming. You want us to listen to you as you tell us that you now know what we are. You want us to listen and listen well.
It is a paradox that such a comment as that above causes greatest concern and alarm to the greater of our kind, but before I detail the effect that those words have on the greater narcissist, let us look at the lower functioning member of our exclusive club and how it affects him, the lesser narcissist. Those of our brethren who are of the lesser variety will have no comprehension of what they are and such a revelation is meaningless to them. Tell the lesser of our kind that you know what they are and in all likelihood you will be met with a dismissive shrug or a demand that you explain yourself. If you tell a lesser narcissist what they are and that you know, his lack of awareness will lead him to laugh at your use of the word and he will no doubt ask you what is for dinner or to grab him a beer. If you leave the matter there, it will be forgotten about and the insight you have offered will not even make a mark on the lesser narcissist. He knows he isn’t one of them. He probably would struggle to spell it. But perhaps you are not done. You are an empath after all and you want your narcissist, even though you may not know he is from the lesser school, to understand what he is. You also want him to know that you know. For too long you have been on the back foot and now you want to recover some power. You are a disciple of knowledge. You are an acolyte who worships at the altar of understanding and you have deemed that this time your narcissist, lesser even though he may be, should be aware of what he is and that you are in full possession of the facts. You are not going to let him shrug this one off. Should you then spell it out and describe that person as a narcissist they may not even know what one is.
“What do you mean I am a narcissist?” is the most likely response to such an allegation. He is not accepting it is he? You need to give him more. You need to put some flesh on the bones for him.
“You. You are a narcissist. You build people up, you make them feel special and loved and then for no reason you turn nasty. That’s what your kind do. You think of nobody but yourself. I have been nothing but good to you and you treat me like dirt.”
“That’s bullshit, who has been filling your head with such nonsense?”
“My friend Paula has read all about your kind after I was telling her about how horrible you are to me. She showed me a book and I have read it and you fit the profile. You are a narcissist, a horrible and empty abuser.”
Will he get the picture now? Will he have a breakthrough in understanding now that you know exactly what he is? Have you landed a blow and stripped him of his abusive powers?
The level manner in which you deliver these observations will result in one response and one response only from the lesser narcissist. The ignition of his fury. He will not have a moment of insight. He will not accept what you have said. He will not slink away wounded by being called a narcissist. The word narcissist is meaningless to him. He isn’t one though, he knows that much, but the issue of whether he is one or not is immediately pushed to the wayside. He knows that your use of the word and the context in which it has been used, along with your calm descriptions of “abuser”, “nasty” and “horrible” amounts to a criticism of him or perhaps more accurately described, he does not think this through and assess that you are criticising him. No, he only knows that what you have said is wrong and all of a sudden a ferocious rage has engulfed him and you have to be punished.
The reality is that your words have wounded him because he is better than you and you are weaker than him. He does not think this through because he is a lesser narcissist. He responds and reacts in a knee jerk fashion. Who are you to criticise someone as mighty as him? You should know your place. His churning fury is ignited and he cannot control it as it bursts from him like lava erupting from a volcano.
“Oh fucking Paula has been telling you has she? How many times have I told you to stay away from her? She’s nothing but a goddamn trouble maker. Why do you not do as you are told?” he shouts and moves towards you in a menacing fashion.
“She isn’t a trouble maker; she cares about me.”
“She is always interfering, I am sick of her and your other arsehole friends. I am the head of this house, not them, do you understand?”
“I am sick of you bullying me, leave me alone!” you shout back.
“If you did as you were told, I wouldn’t have to do this would I?” he yells and the all too familiar open-hand cracks you across the face as he loses control of the ignited fury and assaults you. You cry out in pain, hand raised to the already reddening mark on your cheek as he continues his ferocious tirade causing you to back away. Your attempt to get him to realise that you know has been lost, subsumed beneath the ferocious fury that you have ignited through his criticism of him. His response is to go on the attack and make you scared, upset and worried of what else might happen. He swipes another arm sending some ornaments on a shelf crashing to the floor causing your hypervigilant self to jump as the pottery smashes against the filed floor. The lesser narcissist does not know that he to do this, it is an immediate response, a defence mechanism to your criticism. He will not understand what you mean by calling him a narcissist. He will not accept it. As you try and explain what it means, if you do so in a calm and measured manner all you are doing is criticising him and this will always ignite his fury. With the lesser narcissist he is less able to regulate his response and most of the time, subject to where you are, he will respond with verbal and physical violence as he has to draw an immediate reaction from you to stop the wounding effect of your criticism. This fuel you pour forth as your tears fall or you shout at him enables him to address the wound you have created. He does not know any of this because he is lower functioning, he just responds. That is why when you tell a lesser narcissist you know what he is, it is a pointless exercise. He will either shrug it off since it is meaningless to him or if you pursue the point you will end up being attacked in some manner because you ignite his fury.
He cannot see it. He is not allowed to see it, but he must be allowed to defend himself and with most of our methods, the best form of defence is attack. So, what of those of us in the greater school? How is it different when you tell us that you know what we are? Well, that comes next. How many times have I told you to be patient? I do wish you would listen to me.