The Narcissistic Truths – No. 85



43 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 85”

  1. He’s been diagnosed with a rare cancer. I am still blocked on social media. His sister ignored my message to help. WHY? Should I contact him? He’s dying and the horrible woman who was responsible for breaking us up is still around. I want to be there at the end…

  2. We lived together for 3 years. I supported him. We were supposed to get married when he got his retirement. He got his retirement three weeks before the wedding and said he wasn’t sure about getting married, maybe he wanted to live alone. He told me he didn’t know what romantic love was, that he had proposed just to have a roof over his head, that he didn’t see any difference between me and the other woman. He wanted to stay until he decided but he was talking to the OW (friend?) the whole time and sleeping on the couch. I told him I wanted us to get help and for him to stay. I asked him what he wanted in his heart. He said: “Please allow me to go.” So I did. I gave him $1000. because he had no money. His brother picked him up. 4 hours later, he was living with the other woman.

    NC for one year. He’s got his own place. The OW (is the best friend of the ex girlfriend before me) has taken him on trips and paid for everything. (She is rich with a good address. He always hated my house and had wanted us to move.)

    I have been blocked by him and by his friends since he left. I want to be the last, the one to help, the one to be there. I know what he is.

      1. He is my only family. I feel that he opened up to me some; seems to be a lesser or middle, not really realizing what he is. If we’d married as planned, I would have been there. I was there for my Mom and my Dad and I want to be there for him.
        He had never told his family about me as they were estranged. He never told his friends we were engaged because he was ‘afraid of what they would say’. That’s the only thing we argued about and what finally led him to leave, that and the marriage coming up and his having his own money finally. He wanted a good address, and she had money. Typing it out here sounds bad…I was in total shock. He made breakfast for me in the morning and by dinner, he was gone. But he said he wanted to stay and think. I said if he was going to leave anyway, to leave.

      2. HG

        Oh…….I wanted to be there when the StepNarc drew his last breath and I sure was. But I know you meant for a different reason in this case.

      3. Was it my fault? A friend told me that he probably smeared me to the OW and his family and that’s why I am blocked. I’ve gone over and over and over in my head. He was on the phone all the time with the OW, refused to sleep with me. I told him if he was going to leave me to leave. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said “Please allow me to leave.” I gave him $1000. so he would have money. Five hours later, he had moved in with the OW.
        His daughter was getting married in a couple of days. He had to come and pick up clothes. He wanted a certain date. I didn’t but I let him come.
        He wanted to move out the rest on Christmas Day. I asked him to give me a week. He called a lawyer and the police and said I was ‘holding his stuff’ hostage. I had to let him come on Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve to get his stuff. I left the house and went to the library because I couldn’t watch him do this.
        The last words I spoke to him were “You can’t keep screwing people who help you.” No swearing, nothing. The OW kept calling through the whole process…over and over in my head…What did I do? The whole leaving was a shock to me…

    1. Hi BJ, are you sure he has cancer? I know a couple of narcs who’ve used that line to either receive sympathy or leave their partner. Then miraculously they were cured.

      1. Thank you Mr. Tudor. I have one every other blue moon. Normally it happens between my unicorn dreams and emotional meltdowns.

      2. LOVE
        . I had the same thought. One of mine said he had cancer and showed me a scar but I always wondered if it was true or just another ploy. Ha Malignant Narc takes on a whole new meaning.

  3. A really good point! My ex told me he had a kidney removed because of kidney cancer! Funny the only thing his family ever remembered was having his appendix removed!!!

  4. Bj at least he was honest with you about the way he sees the world . My ex is still telling me he loves me and that he will change and he promises he would be the person I deserve . It would just be so much easier if he would just tell me it wasn’t real . I have tried my best to get him to admit it was an illusion but he won’t . BJ if I were you I would write a hand written letter bearing your heart and soul , and find a way to give it to him and then walk away with your head held high and take on this new life and opportunity you are given ❤️ You are a good person .

    1. I just sent an email telling him I never stopped loving him. I was there if he needed me for anything, and to please stay strong and live. No response. I think I feel that that is all I can do. But HG, the instant turnaround of his feelings and actions is still a huge shock to me. He is an entirely different person.

  5. This happened on the eve of a big family event just when he was getting back in with his family after being years estranged. I think he blames me for making him ‘homeless’. In moving out, over the holidays, the police were called (by him and the OW) and I guess I’m being blamed for that too.

  6. The question that will always haunt me is should I have let him stay for that year? Live with me as a roommate and try to figure things out? My knowing that he did this same exact thing two ex’s and asked them for time too and then left in the middle of that time given makes me wonder…

  7. This picture reminded me of a posting I saw from a teacher using two apples in a lesson plan about bullying with her students. Below is the excerpt. I believe it also applies to any kind of damaging emotional or verbal abuse inflicted on another.

    “Today in one of our classes I introduced the children to two apples (the children didn’t know this, but before the class I had repeatedly dropped one of the apples on the floor, you couldn’t tell, both apples looked perfect). We talked about the apples and the children described how both apples looked the same; both were red, were of similar size and looked juicy enough to eat.

    I picked up the apple I’d dropped on the floor and started to tell the children how I disliked this apple, that I thought it was disgusting, it was a horrible colour and the stem was just too short. I told them that because I didn’t like it, I didn’t want them to like it either, so they should call it names too.

    Some children looked at me like I was insane, but we passed the apple around the circle calling it names, ‘you’re a smelly apple’, ‘I don’t even know why you exist’, ‘you’ve probably got worms inside you’ etc.

    We really pulled this poor apple apart. I actually started to feel sorry for the little guy.

    We then passed another apple around and started to say kind words to it, ‘You’re a lovely apple’, ‘Your skin is beautiful’, ‘What a beautiful colour you are’ etc.

    I then held up both apples, and again, we talked about the similarities and differences, there was no change, both apples still looked the same.

    I then cut the apples open. The apple we’d been kind to was clear, fresh and juicy inside.

    The apple we’d said unkind words to was bruised and all mushy inside.

    I think there was a light bulb moment for the children immediately. They really got it, what we saw inside that apple, the bruises, the mush and the broken bits is what is happening inside every one of us when someone mistreats us with their words or actions.

    When people are bullied, especially children, they feel horrible inside and sometimes don’t show or tell others how they are feeling. If we hadn’t have cut that apple open, we would never have known how much pain we had caused it.

    I shared my own experience of suffering someone’s unkind words last week. On the outside I looked OK, I was still smiling. But, on the inside someone had caused me a lot of pain with their words and I was hurting.
    The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to break a heart. So be careful with your words.”

    The article went on a bit more about stopping bullying in the school if you see it happening. The message above is loud and clear.

    Visuals are always helpful.

    1. What a brilliant way of getting the message across, Clarece! They will remember that!

      We need something similar for narcissism, something every student will hear, probably in sex ed class… a more holistic approach to the matter… how to have a healthy relationship, what that looks like for those who come from broken homes and had no role models, how it manifests, what the warning signs of unhealthy relationships are and what to do… it is not enough to talk about protecting their bodies, they need to learn about protecting their hearts as well..

      1. Thank you so much! I saw this article about a month ago and was waiting for HG to post something I could relate this to and boom, today was the day.
        I completely agree with you on beginning education at the secondary level.
        My daughter’s school which is a lab school at a major University has a program called Second Step which addresses teaching emotions, feelings, how to process uncomfortable or stressful situations. It starts with kindergarten thru 8th grade. Early on, with first graders they will for example do improv skits on what does anger look like and feel like. They’ll act out a group of kids stealing someone else’s ball on a playground. They learn deep “belly breaths” for when anger feels like it’s ready to burst thru. The older grades get the spin on starting to feel hormonal as puberty approaches.
        I wish to God I had received that at her age!!
        What you’re suggesting could fall right in at the next level in high school.

      2. Your daughter’s school programme is amazing, Clarece! It is so important to be in tune with your emotions, to identify uncomfortable feelings and deal with them in a healthy manner. This will also give them a cognitive advantage as they will have an awareness, and could probably spot emotionally unhealthy people sooner.

        With narcs on the rise, we need to prepare children and teens for the battle they inevitably will have to fight: not only in relationships, but also in the workplace, and other social settings. They are well and truly EVERYWHERE!!

      3. The program definitely helps with this. She’s very intuitive for ten. I shared this back in the summer I think, and not sure if you may have seen that post. JN was hoovering and she saw his name flash on my phone with a text. She said to me, “do not talk to him, Mom. He blows your candle out to make his burn brighter. “

      4. No, I have not seen that post (am trying to catch up)… now, that is wisdom, and she is only 10 years old! She will be every narc’s nightmare! 😀

    2. That’s was a great example and visual Clarece. I love when we can teach kids an important lesson on how to treat others

    3. Clarece

      That sounds like an awesome and worthwhile program. Visuals grab better than just another talkathon. Your daughter is one smart cookie.

  8. I think I was hoping to learn that he’s not a narcissist, that he’s just a poor confused person. I keep imagining him having to go through all of that horrible treatment and suffering.I’m trying to get through to the insecure part underneath the arrogance. Was there something I could have done, said? I’m being made out as the horrible ex with his friends and family. They are blocking me from information and seeing him…HG, I’ve read everything; what you’ve written, what Sam and Richard have written – all year, and I still have trouble believing this. So, to say again, it was going to happen like this anyway, like with all of the others. He doesn’t care?
    This woman who he with now is the same but he won’t be leaving her because he is too sick?
    His family knows what he’s like and is compliant?

    1. Yes BJ it was going to happen anyway because of the needs and demands of fuel. Your hope that he was not a narcissist is also common because of your desire to try to blame something else which is often a reaction of our victims and what makes them susceptible to begin with and also so vulnerable to remaining in our grip.

  9. Please listen to HG, you ex is a narc and he has blocked you. I know you can’t see it now and it hurts but please leave trying to resurrect something, or you will drive yourself mad. He has thrived on hurting you, don’t do it to yourself.

  10. You are all right. Maybe I have to see it here in black & white. I have spent the entire year since he left trying to make myself better, prettier with the hope that he would call, if even just for coffee. I’ve never been married or lived with anyone although I have had relationships. This is my childhood home he lived in and now it is haunted with memories of what I thought were good times and love. I have no family and had made him my family. Thank God I have friends, and wonderful people online, and my health, and I almost lost my house though my savings are gone. Talk about empath…HG please keep writing, and tell us more please about the lesser, those who cry and seems such tortured souls. I would almost have been up for straight master manipulation but this…

    1. BJ, look at yourself. An independent woman who has her own house and is financially stable. He is a nomad, going place to place, woman to woman, begging for a roof over his head. It is pitiful.
      I know your heart hurts. I understand you cannot see it now, but you are the one who is winning: you have your home, your health, and a heart. Trifecta.

  11. HG- I have a question about the lesser. I just read your post. If they don’t know what they are and why they are like this, can’t they try to be different? Or is what they are just overwhelming? The reason I ask this is that I have been like the narc in not keeping jobs (never people); bored easily, panicked about signing contracts…all my life until I got to the point where I either had to accept I would always work part-time and never have that security or plug in like everyone else. I decided on the part-time option. Are the lesser much less likely to seek counseling? Mine was never abusive and knew something was wrong but never stuck with counseling either. He was married for 25 years…so something worked there?

    1. Hello BJ, a fair question. No, they cannot try to be different because they act so much through instinct that it overrides all other considerations. The Lesser would reject counselling – he sees no need, there is nothing wrong with him and he would be highly distrustful of taking such a step – all that fancy jargon and namby pamby talk about feelings etc.

  12. BJ I am sorry for what you are going through. I know it hurts like hell and your heart is torn to pieces.
    I have read you sent an email, yes we believe this to be a good idea get those words out, offer the I am here if you need me. Then what? We wait and wait. What happens if you get a response your heart jumps for joy, then turns to heartbreak again when he turns away, yet again.

    Have you tried writing in a journal, it helps to write out what you so desperately want to say.
    Before sending an email out write it out with no email address wait 24-48 hours before deciding to send. This gaves time to work through the emotions that are washing over you at the moment you want to reach out. After that time you may chose this isn’t a good idea and delete it.
    It is a choice to react or respond to all situations. And sometimes this is harder to do when emotions are running high.
    Here thou you will get the answers to why ask questions, HG has a unique gift of bringing understanding on this subject to those that chose to listen to respond and not react to the narcissist in their lives.

    May peace be with you.

  13. Thank you. I did wait. I am pleased with the email I sent. It simply said that I never stopped loving him, offered help if it was needed, and told him to please fight and LIVE. It was sent in love, asking nothing, expecting nothing. Of course, I’m still in that place thinking ‘wouldn’t it be wonderful if’…but at this point, I just want him to live comfortably and to have good memories if possible, and to die peacefully. That is what I would want. I always felt sorry for him and I always will. This has changed me profoundly. I do not at all consider myself to be a winner. I am comfortable but will always be alone with very disturbing and sad memories of him.


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