Why Not Let You Go?


It is a common question that is asked of me. Why don’t you and your kind just let us be once you have discarded us, why do you have to keep coming back to us, why apply all that effort in hoovering us when you can go and get somebody new and concentrate on them instead? Those are fair queries but they fail to understand the dynamic that is at work in respect of why we keep coming back to you. Here are the reasons why.


1.      Control. As I have explained previously, the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until either one of us dies. We need to remind you that you belong to us. We need to exert our rights under the Narcissistic Covenant and by hoovering you, this is the most blatant and effective way of doing so.

2.      Perspective. You are an extension of us. We attach you to us when we seduce you and suck the fuel from you. We do not truly discard you but instead there is a temporary cessation before we engage once again and continue to draw fuel from you. Since we do not regard you as a separate and distinct entity, but rather part of our powerful and far-reaching selves, we consider you to always be available and thus we keep hoovering you since in our minds you are part of us and thus within reach.

3.      Punishment. In some instances, which is dependent on the type of narcissist you are being punished for your transgressions against us. These transgressions may be numerous but most often they are to do with the fact that you escaped us and/or you failed to provide us with the necessary fuel when required. In order to demonstrate that we are superior to you, we deem it appropriate to punish you and thus you will be hoovered through malign follow up hoovers.

4.      Hoover fuel. This is the chief reason why we hoover. Hoover fuel is very potent, it is edifying and invigorating. Why is this? There is every likelihood that when we seek to hoover you post discard or post escape that you try to resist our overtures. This is because you have been devalued and abused, admittedly it is not always the case as some victims want us back regardless, but there are many who are at best reluctant and at worst determined to resist us. If we manage to draw a positive reaction from them or even a negative one, it reinforces our power over this person and causes the fuel to be even more powerful. If we manage to bring about the resumption of the Formal Relationship, then this is even better. We have emphasised just how much control we have over you and to have you return, either exhibiting joy, relief and thanks, the quality of this hoover fuel is impressive. Even if the victim provides no resistance to our hoover and willingly returns to us, pouring with positive fuel as we have allowed them back into our arms, the fact we know we can treat people the way that we do and they still want us and provide us with fuel results in potent hoover fuel for us as well. Knowing we can still evoke such emotion in people, after everything that we have done, laces the fuel with a particular power.

5.      Investment. You ought to be aware that we have invested our time and energy in you. This may well have been through the preparatory work that was engaged in when we targeted you, working out the relevant traits that you had which appeal to us, assessing your susceptibility to our seduction hoover and so forth. It also includes all of the effort that we put into your seduction and the devaluation thereafter. We know you. We know how you think, how you react, how you respond, how you act. We understand your mind. We know your strengths, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities and your pressure points. We have ensured that you are attached to us, bound to us and functioning and therefore this solid and substantial investment in you is not just for an initial period of time. It is done so we can rely on this investment, time and time again in the future. We do not want to waste such a significant investment. This should enlighten you as to why it is just not easier to go and seduce somebody else. We have invested much in you and we want the return from our investment again and again and again. We will of course expend effort in securing new investment opportunities but we are not going to forgo previous investments as well.

6.      Compassion. Don’t get excited, I am not going to tell you that you can expect it, quite the opposite. Somebody other than us might decide that you have indeed had enough and move on and leave you alone. However, the fact that we lack compassion and remorse means that we see no reason to leave you alone. Your condition and state of mind are only relevant to us with regard to whether we can draw further fuel from you. We do not care that you are hurting, upset or that you are in pain. 

7.      Entitlement. Our significant sense of entitlement means we can do as we please and naturally as someone who was once our primary source you are always going to be subject to the manifestation of this entitlement by us keeping coming back to you, subject of course to the conditions of the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria which I have written about separately.

8.      Pleading. Do not think that pleading with us for relief, release and clemency will get you anywhere. Not only will this draw no response because of the lack of compassion as mentioned above but because you are providing us with fuel we will want more of it and therefore your pleading is something we want to see, but it will have no effect on us other than to make us want you to continue to plead and beg.

Thus there are several reasons why we will not leave you be and let you move on. We will not grant you the freedom. You have to secure it yourself.

55 thoughts on “Why Not Let You Go?

  1. apuckett2013 says:

    HG I had no idea I was dealing with a narcissist until I read Evil tonight. In July of last year mine left Illinois abruptly after a string of lies and getting caught by me and the high school sweetheart he ran to Arizona to be with happy in love with her. I deleted and blocked him from everything and any connection to him so I would not be tempted to contact him. We went through a similar string of events in 2015 but he never went longer then 2 weeks without reaching out. After 8 months of no contact from either of us my question is, does this not mean he is done? I use to beg him and text and call and be pathetic but since this past July I have not peeped a word. Will he not just stay away and be happy in Arizona? I feel like 8 months is a long time.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You should take encouragement from your no contact being effective so far and maintain it. It is never over until you or us die, however in the meanwhile you can reduce the risk of being hoovered considerably and you are doing so. Maintain your defences there is always a hoover risk.

      1. Hurt says:

        HG have you ever not hoovered someone? Also what does a hoover risk mean? Probably or most probably or definitely?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The degree of risk depends on the relevant height of the hoover bar.

          1. Hurt says:

            So very high hoover bar means no hoover right?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Lower risk

  2. Silenced says:

    HG, he sent me another I am done with you emails a week ago, which I have had before… I have always responded and he does his silent treatment on me…last time over 3 months… while I try to get through to him…this time, the first time I did not reply and I won’t be…I am not going to feed him. He loves to control me by his silent treatment. Won’t this throw off his game since I am not playing it anymore?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Assuming you are the primary source then he will shift to a different manipulation if the silent treatment does not have any effect on you.

    2. Hurt says:

      Silence you say he has never hoovered you… but those emails he sends you are hoovers. Malign hoovers

      1. Silenced says:

        That email was after our last argument, it was his farewell email (again). We had been back with each other for over 2 months after a 3 month silent treatment by him. I am now doing what he did to me…not replying and will give him the silent treatment, completely reversing it on him.

    3. Hurt says:

      Expect some new crazy shit if you give him silent treatment

      1. HG Tudor says:


      2. Silenced says:

        I am not sure, he loves to be completely in control over me and him contacting me in any way, would be giving that up….he will wait and wait until I contact him and this time I hope to just keep him waiting. 🙂
        Of course every other time I have come to him…. so he didn’t need to contact me….but last time was over 2.5 months before I did.

  3. Lake15 says:

    @Silenced mine does the same thing. And then when I don’t contact him he will send me a text “Hope you have a great weekend” “You deserve better” and then it follows with “I could never trust you again.” And by the end of the night I am called a “lying b*tch hooker.

    1. Silenced says:

      He has never yet broken the silent treatment, last time over 3 months, I contacted him and he responded like nothing happened. He emailed me last, and I am not replying to him this time. My own silent treatment. 🙂

  4. Aura Gael says:

    Doesn’t the begging and pleading ever get tiresome? Have you ever seen it as disgusting enough to just not want anything more to do with a source of fuel?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is fuel.

      1. Silenced says:

        Yet mine tells me to stop bothering him, he finds it annoying and intrusive.. and then blocks me like the child he is…and that is often followed with the silent treatment.

  5. DJ says:

    HG I have question for you… How would you feel (and react) if you discovered that your own primary source was following your blog? Just curious.

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Ms brown says:

        is she (-;

      2. AH OH says:

        I think she helps you with the blog.

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. AH OH says:

            Tell me it isn’t so!

      3. DJ says:

        Damn you HG, I like you. I want to hate you but I can’t. You are articulate and amusing, and your blog has answered every single one my most haunting questions.

      4. Twilight/Dawn says:

        Just curiousity why would you find that entertaining?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because she would not know it was me.

          1. Twilight/Dawn says:

            I see your point, you are not an amateur

  6. Silenced says:

    HG – Mine is quite different, he has never hoovered, me, he is extremely controlling and no way will he come to me under any circumstances. I walked away the first time but contacted him after a month, he ghosted me the second time after me trying to discuss his behaviour so he blocked me….and I tried for weeks to get a response and finally went no contact. He gave me the silent treatment for 3.5 months. I contacted him both times. THe second time he replied like nothing happened. When I asked he told me I was still his good friend, yet proceeded to be more dismissive. This time, he emailed me because I stood up to him in a way I have never before, I outed him in front of people when he refused to talk to me privately for three days….and he didn’t like it….told me he is done with me, not to bother him again. THIS time, I haven’t responded to him, I won’t feed him. He is waiting for me too so he can ignore me with his brutal silent treatment and watch me jump up and down trying to get him to respond. So I don’t think all Narcs hoover. I do believe he is low range narcissist but the behaviours he meets for one, he blows off the charts.

    1. Silenced says:

      I need to add, he told me to talk to him online in a forum as it was easier than texting as he didn’t have his phone at his computer. (he lives on there and I believe prefers talking to people he doens’t know) A bizarre thing to say and just another level of his dismissive behaviour. I told him that was not appropriate place to talk, he refused to engage, so I did as he asked…something he never expected. I was pretty vague but still did it. He has sent me those get out of my life emails before, many times.

    2. Silenced says:

      well? I am curious? some don’t hoover do they? Mine never has….ever.

      1. HG Tudor says:


      2. Windstorm says:

        I had one I cut off not contact me for 34 years. Then he found a box of letters I’d written him ages ago, tracked me thru my university and went into full lovebombing. HG is right. They have compartmentalized minds. They shut all memories of you into a compartment and forget you until something triggers their memories.

      3. Hurt says:

        You never gave him a chance to hoover. You did all the hoovering

  7. Watermelon says:

    Thank you HG. The last point in particular I can relate to. I’m positive the narc loves my begging and pleading. Shows I’m there and he gets to demean me for being pathetic and having no life (unlike him of course).

  8. Dragonfly says:

    HG, mine is on day 1 of his 60 day sentence for violating the restraining order multiple times. He was appearing in public places, stalking me, following me, in the neighbors yard watching me with binoculars. Please tell me the jail time is enough for him to leave me alone once he’s released.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is a factor which will influence his actions but it does not necessarily mean it will ensure you are left alone.

      1. Dragonfly says:

        Your kind is very stubborn. We did not look at each other in court, although when I saw him he was laughing and carrying on in the hall with his entourage like it was a party. I guess he didn’t realize he’d be leaving in cuffs. His worst fear is jail so I’m wondering how he will do in that environment. Will he hit rock bottom because his cell phone and resources are taken away and he can’t get fuel or will he extract enough fuel from the guards and other inmates to survive? Please tell me he is not going to retaliate and hurt me when he’s released because of course he blames me for all of this. He is a greater if that helps any. What are your thoughts, HG?

  9. Nomore says:

    I guess it depends where you are in your “education” and emotional process when reading these and I wonder how these would have affected me 3 years ago. Now? The last 2 lines jumped off the page because that’s where I am now….what a journey and hope these posts save the other readers a lot of time and torment. Thank you!!

  10. Clair says:

    H G my narcissist won’t leave me alone. He said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me but he wants to be friends. What does that mean coming from a narcissist? I’m on day three no contact. Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is a back-handed compliment designed to bewilder you, cause you to react so you give fuel and not be able to move forward.

      1. SweetFreedom says:

        Clair–the whole wanting to be friends thing seems to be prevalent with narcs. Mine told me recently that he wanted to be able to call me his friend and that he hoped I’d feel the same. I said no. He asked why and I said because he is NOT my friend and I do not want to be his friend. He seemed to be genuinely shocked by my reaction.

        I do not know if that was an act on his part or if he really was shocked that somebody would turn down a friendship with him. I don’t want anything to do with him and I am so grateful that we never had children! I cannot imagine having to be forced to have contact because of children.

      2. Clair says:

        Very interesting. It’s almost like he wants to remain friends so he has someone to fall back on when he gets bored of his other victims. Day 5 no contact and feeling powerful haha!! Thank you for your response H G.

        1. HG Tudor says:


  11. Mel says:

    Wow HG! It truly amazes me how insightful you are regarding npd, as well as keen towards the behavior and thinking of the lesser and mid-range. I absolutely love and look forward to the information you provide, it helps me understand the narcs in my life(mom, dad, siblings, aunts, cousins and friends). My mid-range narcissist just discarded me yesterday(but not without me wounding him), but we’ve been back and forth many times, it has become a pattern, although I’m pretty sure it’s over this time. He claims he wants to have a clean slate with his current ipps, but he really discarded me as punishment for implementing no contact in November only after a discard/silent treatment of two weeks, but going nc was in reaction to his having sex with my friend behind my back and making her his isps(now his ipps). What’s interesting is, she’s a lesser narcissist and it seems he’s fallen in love with her because of their equal dysfunction and devaluation of one another. I read when narcissist collide, but I’m wondering if after the lesser and mid-range secure new non-narcissist primary source and discard one another, do they at any point hoover one another or keep coming back although knowing there’s no sufficient positive fuel?? Sorry if too long of a question..

  12. Hurt says:

    Loved this. Thanks HG

  13. AH OH says:

    What fun would that be?

  14. FaithP says:

    I really relate to this one. Great job, as usual HG!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  15. SweetFreedom says:

    HG—Will this determination to not let us go continue in spite of divorce and in spite of a restraining order? I literally filed divorce papers this morning and the courts have made it clear he is to have no contact at all. I have no problem having him arrested over and over if need be.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Dependent on the type of narcissist he is and his fuel needs, it may prevent hoovers (since it is an obstacle) or he will ignore and be arrested.

      1. SweetFreedom says:

        I had thought he was perhaps an upper lesser but now I am thinking a Mid-Range. I was thinking back to when we were first together and he did a lot of pity plays and was able to control his rage until two months after we were married. He is currently doing pity plays with all our friends, even making them think he is suicidal over our break up—he is not.

        Last week we were together, he brought a gun out during one of his rages (we are in the U.S. so he was able to buy a gun). I am really thinking about purchasing one for my own protection as I do not know if he’d come here and try to kill me. I also have an escape plan in place, a place to hide at the other end of the country but that is useless unless he makes threats first and I am able to leave before he arrives.

  16. AH OH says:

    Because it feels to good.

  17. I’ve been having occasional malign hoovers from a recent encounter with a greater.

    But it doesn’t upset me at all. In fact it makes me feel powerful because I know I caused huge NI in a subtle but devastating way (for him, but not for a normal person).

    I’m also remaining complete NC to direct and indirect malign hoovers. I know this is infuriating him. And in doing so, I’m not allowing him to move on from the pain I’ve caused him.

    HG you’ve taught me so much !!

  18. IntelAvatar says:

    Sovereignty must indeed be earned – not through desire, but through the experiential method. The daily practice of mindfulness in all 5 realms. About 20 yrs of practice and it starts paying back. Now you’re only playing with your food. Like a feline superempath. She doesn’t want to kill your kind – just engage, observe, play a little for old times sake. There you have it. Done ✅

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