Here we are again. In that all too familiar place. I have lost count of how many times I have found myself here. Despite my very best endeavours, my valiant intentions and earnest dedication I am stood in his hallway of despair. Some time ago this hallway was a welcoming place where polished tiles gleamed and marble pillars glinted. The air was filled with the scent of jasmine, bright sunlight pouring in through the glass dome high above. So many corridors and doorways led from this hallway, offering exciting and intriguing possibilities, new experiences and enthralling opportunities. I can still picture you when you had crossed the threshold, invited into my world and you stood open-mouthed impressed and amazed by the grandeur. With a typically generous and expansive sweep of my arm I offered you the free run of those corridors and rooms. You took full advantage of my generosity and why not? You were a very welcome and special addition.
Now look at us. Your failure has made this a cold and desolate place. The dome has suffered as a consequence of you frequent eruptions of frustrated anger, the once clear panes now either broken or smeared with the grime of your betrayal. The sun has not shone into this hallway for a long time, in fact, neither of us can remember when it last did so. The tall pillars are cracked and chipped, testament to your unwarranted assaults on our person as your forked tongue of criticism lashed out at us. The tiles are fractured and uneven causing you to regularly trip and fall to the floor, the cold slap of your downfall a stark reminder of the change that has gripped this place. You can hear the low moan of the wind as it billows, wuthering and gusting, seeking entrance through the broken windows and dilapidated shutters. That is the wind isn’t it or is it the tortured protestations of the shades and spectres which still haunt this hallway? Sometimes you see them, the forlorn figures which glide haplessly along the dirty passageways, heads bowed as they seem to be seeking something. Whenever you see them you feel a strange sense of familiarity and understanding with their plight even though you are unsure who they are. No doubt a consequence of the empathic traits which still cause you to remain here.
I let you walk these beautiful corridors. I allowed you to marvel at the statues, the ornaments which adorned the walls and alcoves, mesmerising you with their beauty. You felt loved, you felt content and you felt safe as you walked this place never needing or wanting to step back through the door that you once entered all that time ago.
Now you are sat on the icy floor, your hands clasped together and raised in a gesture of contrition and pleading. Your face is etched with wounding woe and the lines of desperation evidence your determination to remain. I brandish the heavy iron key that will unlock the dark door which looms over you and which will reveal the doorway to the cold, uncaring and harsh would beyond, a world you have no desire to return to. I hold the key as I stand over you watching you and although I hear your voice I cannot discern what you are saying. You struggle to your feet, weakness pulling at you as you pull down the sleeve of the tattered garment which you wear and you begin to rub at a nearby pillar. You spit on it and frantically try to remove the grime as if you are showing me that the damage can somehow be undone. You turn and look at me, hand still moving back forth and I see that eternal optimism in your eyes. That look which once looked like paradise to me and now only serves to reinforce your selfishness in wanting to remain here after everything you have done and everything you have not done as you let me down. Again. The distortion that has surrounded your voice and now I can hear you as you are pointing to the windows and the doors which hang from their hinges, holes smashed into them.
” This place was once so beautiful and you have let it fall into neglect, why have you done this? I just do not understand. I helped you keep it shining and in a pristine condition but then you just lost interest, you would not work with me anymore and it began to fall into decline. It was too much for me to maintain alone though heaven knows I tried, I really did. Not only did you not help me but you then started to hinder me, stopping me from carrying out my tasks, holding me back and diverting me.”
Why are you saying such things to me? Why are you seeking to pin the blame on me? Why are you trying to make me responsible for the demise of this once grand place? I shake my head and point the key at you, a clear signal of my intent. Your face twists and the tears start to form in your eyes. Perhaps they might fall into the now dry fountain and bring about restoration. Does such restoration hang from your sadness?
“Don’t make me leave, please I do not want this to end,” you plead, your eyes, which once shone with delight and joy, which are now glazed as your fear of abandonment starts to rise.
“This does not have to happen, ” you continue as you place a hand against my arm, ” let me stay, I only want us to be happy, to be as we once were. Surely we can do that? Our laughter once echoed through this place and it can again. We can repair the damage, it is not about who caused it, I can put that to one side, I just want us to be together and for us to rebuild what we once had. We did it once, I know we can again, let us join forces and re-create that wonderful time once more, let us admit sunshine and clean away the dirt and the hurt that seeks to envelope this place. We can fix the glass, mend the doors, scrub the floors and clean and tidy and make good. We can do it. I know we can. I can sense it deep inside you, I know it to be the case.”
Your words are impressive and burgeoning with hope. Perhaps it can be done but then you let us down and for that you must pay the price. That momentary consideration of allying with you and recovering what we once had is dispelled. We shake our head.
“It cannot be recovered. There is no hope to do so,” we say slowly.
A tear spills down your cheek and hovers on your chin as if unsure of where to go.
“Then let us at least pretend that we walk through gilded and fragrant halls once more. Please? We can pretend can’t we?”
Yes, we can pretend. It is all we ever do.
42 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend”
Where was the Devils advocate?
Attending to the Devil of course.
And, I assumed HG would fill in.😊
Who can tame the.evil one? Forget, wonder woman we have narc angel😊
HG, thank you for this post. I pretended for 5 years. What would happen if the victim sent your insights above, but in reverse. Where it is you, it becomes I etc. What would they think, act, feel etc? Thank you.
“It cannot be recovered. There is no hope to do so,” we say slowly.
Those words are like an echo, something heard in a dream…..imagination running wild this evening
Twilight,..You are right those words are an echo~
Those painful words reverberate very loudly through the valleys of our minds; bouncing off of denial, futility and especially our nonacceptance of what the reality of those words mean for us..The truth is trying to get in and make a home..but we just won’t let it..it’s too hard to let go.
It is not a dream, its the waking nightmare that we must struggle to get through when the smoke dissipates and the mirrors have shattered.
It means if a trust is giving and broken you can not go back to what was. At least this is from my perspective and experience.
I was referring to what that sentence did to me..because, while I had played my part in the discard, I feel strongly that the tape was placed where I was supposed to stand on the stage and was totally forced to improvise my part in a play that I had known nothing about. I feel set up.
I know why he is pissed and doesn’t “trust” me anymore and why he said those exact same words to me while I begged and pleaded for him to take me back…I escaped him, not once, but twice. That must be unforgivable for him.
The past, no matter everything I had done to make him feel happy, loved, and adored. How I took such good care of him and his kids he preferred to ignore,his business, his home; It is irrelevant because I left before he could hurt me even more with a callous discard, I ruined his trust..
I can expect more Hoovers, even though these are not full of emotion, but just to check to see that I am still out of my mind with panic and grief. I can even expect Triangulation, but I know I will never again be asked to take a Primary position with him again…That makes me feel so much better to not have that kind of pressure on me again.
This is my relationship in a nutshell…pretend. my feelings arent pretend but the foundation of the relationship is fantasy. I envision if anything serious happened to one of us and how the narc would react and i have doubts hed be there for me. I hate thinking that way but its the harsh truth. A real relationship you know you can depend on your partner thru the good times and the bad..thats real. This is temporary yet its hard to break away bc my love is so real for the narc. Its taught me a lot about people and myself and you can love someone you know you can never build anything real with. Love comes in many forms. The love is very real but the relationship is built on fantasy and filling voids. Weve both been willing participants. Pretend is the perfect word. The pain of the abuse and breaking away is very real. In a codependant relationship you are in a pretend bubble hoping it doesnt pop.
I am sorry that you are going through this. So many of us live in the illusion that this person that mistreats you so badly will love you and be there for you if you can just love them enough for the both of you.
I am certainly in no position to give advice, as I am pretty broken myself. But, you make a very valid point:
I envision if anything serious happened to one of us and how the narc would react and i have doubts hed be there for me. I hate thinking that way but its the harsh truth. A real relationship you know you can depend on your partner thru the good times and the bad..thats real.
You are right, of course.
When the end was drawing near (I think things were starting to click into place for me) I remember thinking to myself:
“If I were to stop doing all the things I do for this man, our relationship would just stop in midair and drop to the ground- dead”
He would say things like:
“You are so wonderful to help me through my surgery, I don’t know if I could ever do that for you. Hospitals are such scary places”
“You are so good to my kids, I don’t think I’d be so patient if the situation were reversed”
“I’m sorry my kids are so terrible to you (and call his kids a bunch of terrible names), If I were in your position, I would just leave. You are so strong”
Backhanded compliments, and that is how I took them.
Maybe the fact that you are even questioning if this is the case or not is a sign for you
.But it seems like a big red flag.
Hi jody..ty for your post and i agree with everything you say. Your ex sounds so much like my narc. Hes made backhanded compliments so many times and it confused me why then i realised its about power. It makes him feel superior to me to say these things passive aggressive in nature and have me not confront it. Mind games. He of course buffers it with tons of sweet compliments and attention but it doesnt take away from that underlying line in the sand saying if you dont go along with my behaviours ill start to turn up the narc bs. Thats where someone mentioned on here a term which i cant remember offhand but its when you accept abusive behavior to pacify the narc so they dont escalate their tactics. Grrrr i cant remember the term but thats what ive done for the most part.
I know what im dealing with completely or pretty close. Enough to not have any fantasies about anything substantial being built from our relationship. Theres been red flags all over the place. Ive chosen to ignore them. Not smart but thats what ive done. I dont kid myself at all about the reality of it yet i still struggle to break away fully.
I understand completely Narc Affair,
Its your heart,(that beating thing in your chest that keeps betraying you), that races and breaks with the very thought of leaving & overflows with the feelings of love, swells with emotion when you look at his picture or a sweet text that he sent years ago that you saved..and refer to when he’s being an overbearing control freak.
Its all the questions and what ifs rattling around in your brain, fear of the unknown, indecision,excuses and justifying the abuse, it reminds you of the best times you had and completely blocking out how hard it actually is to be with this person and bad they make you feel
I understand being rooted in place. I understand the willingness to do whatever it takes for you to try to make this work and depending on the level of abuse/length of time in the relationship its easier to stay and take if because you wonder how you will begin your life all over again without this person who you dearly love..its both scary and heartbreaking.
I can say that I am coming around to feeling much better that I escaped, and even though I do have to start my life all over again, literally from the ground up, its much better than him dumping me out into the street when he was done with me, because that’s where it was headed.
This is an excellent support system no matter where you are at in your situation. Peace and Love ~
Hi jody…ty for your reply it really describes what we go thru in hanging onto the narc. Its so true we are terrified to start a new life without the narc, or at least i am. 6 years of constantly together in some way and having a best friend kf sorts to confide in to on my own is scary to me. What you say about edcaping being better than being dumped that is equally as scary and your point is very valid. Its not easy no matter what you do but in the long run your decision to leave will pay off 💖
I feel like I relate to you and your relationship the most. I know that if anything happened to me and I needed help he’d be the second call I’d make. The first being to a family member that I know I can count on. The second to him to tell him what happened and to let him know it’s been taken care of. I would basically give him an out because I don’t want to be disappointed.
Mercy…its amazing how little we expect from the narcissist and its bc we know if we ask for more or put up boundaries they will leave so we settle. Usually it takes a life altering situation to open our eyes fully and not only want more but need and demand more from ourselves. Health issues usually are a deal breaker for narcs and nothing will bring their true colors out more than dealing with a life crisis of some sort. Thats also when we reflect the most.
Narc Affair, I can relate to everything you expressed here. My online affair lasted over a year, and it was based on sexting and fantasy, but we talked about so much more than that. It also was based on filling the void in my marriage and in my heart. I went No Contact over two months ago, and I didn’t say goodbye even after all we shared 🙁 I am still torturing myself over this. Friends say I don’t “owe” the guy anything, it wasn’t a real relationship, but to me it was. My feelings were real, and my sense of a connection was SO VERY REAL. You are right that love can come in many forms. You can love someone even if they aren’t yours (he was married as am I). In his case, this one is a serial cheater, but he said he felt differently about me, like we are closer, than any of his other women online. But so much of his actions contradicted that, the hot and cold behavior, the threats to pursue another source of supply if I didn’t share screen shots of my sexting with other guys (he demanded I sext them, then wanted to see). When I knew all long, he had been distant already because he was already pursuing someone heavily. All of this sounds really twisted, but it all evolved from me wanting to be submissive, but I didn’t want emotional submission, just a little fantasy BDSM. I didn’t want to be owned emotionally. He would say things like he liked being “in my head.” I’m going way off topic here, but things evolved so slowly and I talked about certain things with him that I wouldn’t have anyone else, because over time “closeness” developed and what I realize now was my own feelings of love even if not returned.
We didn’t have an in-person affair, and he always said he’d never leave his kids, so I didn’t have the hope of a future with him, but I thought we could still share fantasies and a form of respect. I don’t know what to do with these feelings of loss, even now, after months apart. I had gone numb for a bit but it feels just like day 1 again! No, it actually feels like when I was still entangled with him.
We met in person one time, kissed and made out in his car. I was so nervous, but he kissed me like I’d never been kissed. It cemented any desire for him into something even more intense. He put his fluid in his mouth and then kissed me, and we had fantasized that so it actually was hot, I realize now how dangerous that was. Oddly enough, a couple months later, he said “I just found out I don’t have Hepatitis C.” I was like “you thought you did?! WTF?” He said no, no he didn’t, but his doc mentioned it over the weekend since his liver enzymes were elevated over a year ago, just to rule it out. I realize now that story was bullshit. If your enzymes are high, they test THEN, not a friggin’ year later. So, I went and got tested for Hep C this year and was negative. Because him saying he doesn’t have it (out of the blue, months after we met in person), to me could be his twisted way of warning me he does. My friends think he either has it, OR he was just telling me that to get a reaction since I had tasted his fluid, to push yet another boundary.
Anyway… so YES to what you said about the pain of breaking away being so real. It is, and people who haven’t been in this place, they don’t GET that the pain is as real as any other kind of relationship! In fact, this guy affected me more deeply than about any in-person sexual relationship I’ve had! And I’m still wrapped up in it, still obsessing. And STILL questioning if I messed up to end it without saying goodbye. He was mid-hoover and bombarding me with texts that entire day after he had been distant a couple of weeks. And he was talking about meeting again, and going further. I was so afraid of what would happen, and that I wouldn’t be able to say no. And earlier in the year he was saying things like “You know if we meet again it’s because you want me to violate you.” But then he said that was all fantasy talk. He would say he wants me to get in touch with the massage therapist who violated me years ago, and then in that same conversation, after I was upset, he would say “I love you.” I told him that guy was a predator and I want nothing to do with him. He would say, “And you were prey. Willing prey, to me.” This whole thing has mind-fucked me to the point where I STILL question if he’s dangerous to me. And it started out completely as fantasy and harmless fun. And in person, he is so disarming and seemingly safe, so much that I got in his car within five minutes of meeting him, and I’m a rape survivor so I don’t just trust guys like that. he had a way of making me trust him.
Okay, sorry to dwell so long. I wanted to share what I could relate to and ended up going way more into it.
Don’t be so harsh on yourself! We’ve all been there and done that, crying and begging them to stay thinking there’s still love between us. But there never was in the first place! You just didn’t know that.
In order to get rid of pain and guilt, in order to stop kneeling, I installed NO CONTACT without a warning. Ever since then, I count every single day I last spoke to him or even last time I watched his instagram pics. And believe me, every single day of no contact is my victory. Not only I feel better because time does the healing. I feel empowered because I no longer give him attention he wants. You can do it too!
As I said elsewhere, I actually decided to use him to get ‘it’ all out of my system. I have never asked anyone to stay but rather acted out the feelings in ways not so good for myself. So with him, I decided to ask him, cry, beg to just take the power out of it. I saw that for me, the pain of asking smeone to stay was far greater than dealing with people leaving. So I went for it. I survived. Now, with him, I have been on both sides. When I was young, I let him leave and pretended it didn’t hurt, cut him out of my heart and mind. This time, I did the opposite. I begged him to stay. He actually seemed like he didn’t know what to do. Well, said he wasn’t going anywhere, but I had to shape up. LOL
Anyway, its hard to identify all the deep reasons these patterns with these people stay in our lives, but I think of all things, I worked out with a narc the same pain he put in me a long time ago. I used him to undo what he had done to me once before. He may never get it, but I do.
But as he said at last, “there is nothing between us.” So there ya go. There was no love. It made him really show himself as the complete liar and fraud that he always was, but there you go. Nothing like really being told they made it all up. 🙁
The rest was just undoing it all in my head and heart.
If only I had known then what I know now, Sarabella~
I’m glad we’re being armed with knowledge so that we can go out into the world more aware.
Sounds familiar, almost like deja vu. Not in my situation but it’s like I have read or encountered this story before. Well, one thing for sure narcs are consistent in their bullshit and attempt at manipulations.
Let’s pretend this nightmare is over and the creature died.
Where’s the devils advocate? Wait, when the advocate concedes are we helpless?
Yolo, what do you mean?
I must have placed in the wrong place. Another poster did a great analogy regarding empaths and narcs relationship with the other person. She startes with she will play the devils advocate and then states she was. I doubt she has any connection to the devil her screen name is NarcAngel.
I think thats what happened. That was last night. I am going to say it was the Merlot.
I would like to talk with those shadows and spectres.
Maybe this could be the way to connect with REAL YOU?
I simply adore when you talk about yourself using “we”!
That’s how kings would refer to themselves in ancient times.
Let us pretend. Let us pretend that a cure has been discovered for NPD and someone stabbed you in the neck with it. You wake up with the remembrance or NPD but you no longer feel compelled to act as NPD. This hasn’t hqppened, but let’s pretend. How does that make you feel?
I have read that is one of the more significant challenges for many that are considered sociopathic.
1.) It that your biggest “challenge”?
2.)Would you say this challenge is common with narcissists as well or more so with sociopathic narcissists?
3.) And, can one be a greater narcissist without being sociopathic?
I know you like lists 😉
You devalued/disengaged with someone and she has spent the past 8 months leaving public notes that give you clues about her healing on her IG page. You are no longer IG friends with said female, but you have kept the FB friendship (why dump one and not the other?!). After 8 months, she shares one of your posts about a work success. And then 6 weeks later, you ‘like’ a pic of hers. But the posts on IG continue to be about ‘not falling for the abuse, even if you love someone’, ‘frauds’ and the like. and in this case, a sad huge case of age difference.
If you would feel bored but saw a victim going through these ‘stages’, what would you be doing? Are you waiting her out? Until she gets this all out of her system and then gives in? Are you waiting for ‘time to heal’ and for her to foget how bad it was? When do you know someone has had enough and is likely to come crawling back? Have you seen this pattern enough to know when the person is going to switch? Something about what you see going on in their internal fight and something will tip you off to the fact that “now” is the itme to hoover or she will give in soon enough, despite all public displays?
I am asking as something about what you said about it being boring struck me. If you were half engaged with someone, and the ‘wait’ for them to come crawling back was becoming boring, do you hoover to spice it up, reactivate the dynamic? I know there is the whole dynamic of where all the other fuel sources are at with you and if you are being fueled enough by others to need fuel from someone you have back burnered or discarded, but if the contract is for life, what signs do you look for to tell you to hoover just to trigger someone to make sure you are not fading out of their emotional life? Or, are you confident enough to know that you likely won’t ever fade and if you bide your own time enough, you could just pop back in?
Although I am asking this about ‘my narc’, maybe your answer will also give me ideas about what to expect or not with my own family. I have had questions about my own narc mother and maybe your answer if you have time would clue me in. In her case, I think she is so much more in to power than I EVER realized that she is actually going to die before she ever picks up the phone. Until now, I never saw what was always right there in front of my nose!!! And that is just amazing to me, I guess cause I always gave in. Just like I did with ‘my narc’ as it seemed the waiting was going to be so final and was so painful. This is why my sister said if I want her in my life, I have to give in!
Why am I paying so much attention to narc and this girl’s dynamic? Because it was very validating as she wrote enough for me to know that she went through what I went through. But I wonder, if I hadn’t gone so Super Nova on him to such a degree that he is really not coming back, how would it have gone if I had just waited around, fought that internal fight, gave in and become subservient to him? I will always wonder how long it would have gone on for or where else it might have gone. What would have been the end game to that all? I would have just been bled dry of time, money and my heart?
So I am sort of watching thinking I will know via what she does and how they finally end up. Cause she is doing it all… saying she won’t chase, he is a fraud, never let someone treat you bad even if you love them, she deserves more, does she want him back only cause she is bored, and so much more. But, they still have a link. I would laugh if he ended up with her, but mostly I wonder, where does a massive power game like this really ever end?
You say no one escapes you. Do they escape but you know you could toy with them again, so that’s why you say that? But there are people you haven’t talked with in ages? You just know you could manipulate them again so that’s why you say that? It is a distinction that is important
Ask a silly question…
“…the once clear panes now either broken or smeared with the grime of your betrayal…. The tall pillars are cracked and chipped, testament to your unwarranted assaults…” This is very similar to how Narcy described me in a blank verse which he read out on radio… I was, according to his vile lies, responsible for the damage in his property and his ‘breakdown’ when I walked because I couldn’t take any more. The damage to myself, my reputation has been horrendous. I do not exaggerate when I say I honestly do not think I will ever recover.
I am crying…
This article resonates so deeply with me, especially today..Her words are my words and while reading this it was my voice that I heard through her desperate and heartbroken pleas..
How many times have you heard these words?
I have only said them Once- over and over- in the last 2 years, because the other 3 years were beautiful and then bearable.
I broke No Contact last night (I was able to last 3 days this time).
I will not blame excessive drinking for my slip,but it sure helps that slip happen if I need an excuse..
This morning I guiltily checked my phone. My numerous and lengthy texts were glaring at me and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach..There was actually some of my anger present, which is new, but even in my inebriated state I did not bring up his abuse.(I never bring it up. My insides scream at me when I feel like I want to bring it up like something very bad will happen to me if I do).
After ranting a little bit and doing some accusing (New thing too) I ran out of steam and then there were the same words, the same redundancy, the begging and bargaining, the same desperate cries..Her cries..the same cries You have heard and He has heard time and again.
I feel like a complete and utter fool. I hate myself today.
Thank you for the article, H.G. I really needed this one even if it was to make me feel even more foolish..Right now, this is the only place I can go to find some respite and understanding..I just had to say that, too.
You are welcome.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Go ahead blame it on the alcohol and the narc. You mentioned you had some good years with him. Remember, if he’s a narc good or bad it was all fake and manipulation.
There’s so much more for you in the future but you can’t get there if you don’t try to forget the past.
We were all scammed, they are frauds nothing about them is real.
Peace & Healing
You are not foolish, yet in pain. Using an excuse for this reaction will hold you back some, but not keep you from healing. You loved this person and your reaction to the confusion and pain is normal.
You take 5 steps forward and sometimes end up going 3 back, just remember you are still 2 steps ahead of where you started, and will gain more ground with the knowledge HG provides here and the support and understanding of others here. Keep reading, participating and if the time comes and you need more percise details in dealing with your situation HGs consultations are extremely helpful.
I feel your pain. No Contact can be so hard, many of us break NC despite our best intentions not to.
I have failed miserably in that respect. The only thing that can help is to keep occupied with other things, so as not to be thinking of them and be tempted to message.
Did you get a response to your texts?
Jody please dont be hard on yourself! Its bad enough going thru narcissistic cycles and devaluing without beating yourself up in the process. Be a friend to yourself and stand up dust yourself off and dont give up bc youll get there eventually! Its not an easy process and depending on your past and way of thinking it can be very difficult to break those bonds. Youre definitely not alone there are many of us myself included that have been thru the no contact cycle many times. Keep educating yourself on narcissism but also work on yourself in the process. Find out why it is youre drawn to your narc and you will learn a lot about yourself. Focus on you and what the relationship was giving to you thatll give you your answer. You can find it within yourself and healthier relationships ❤
~Thank You All So Much♡~
I know that I, like so many others, will face many roadblocks before I realize that the only thing blocking my path is myself.
The denial about the many forms of abuse and the mindfuckery that we are all in complete shock about when the realization hits that we were living in a twisted lie.. Who doesn’t enjoy the feeling of your world crashing down, feeling like your totally crazy, and pain so immense that it’s more than just heartbreak??
The other issues going on in my life ( a swooping ex-Narc husband trying to tell me he wants to “help” me and using our kids to get to me, my financial ruination, my stolen purse, no job.. to just name a few) are making it really hard to focus on healing from the Great Lie that was my life. To go from Queen to Serf in a matter of days is a very hard pill to swallow, and his reasoning behind it is dumber than a bag of hammers, to say the least. It still doesn’t make it go away or hurt less.
When im feeling manic or on the edge or like I want to give up, I read or listen to the articles from H.G. I scroll down and read all of your comments, because there’s much to be learned in those too.
I’m very thankful for this place of learning, understanding, and compassion and for all of you who are in the many stages of healing and paying it forward.
Thank You Again♡
You said, “the only thing blocking my path is myself.” and then this, “Who doesn’t enjoy the feeling of your world crashing down, feeling like your totally crazy, and pain so immense that it’s more than just heartbreak??”
I would say, don’t lose sight that it is an immense pain and is not normal heartbreak. None of it is normal. I used to think something was wrong with me for not getting on with my life. And it didn’t help that others said as much (including him!). At this stage of where you are at, you are not blocking your own path, the pain he put there is what is blocking you. Not you. And that pain, it is like a real disease, takes a whole lot of time to start to change. Look at that pain as having a massive bacterial infection or cancer, because that is what it is like, deep, systemic and all consuming.
I used to sit at work, tears streaming down my cheeks, crying as silently as I could. I bawled shamelessly in my car driving. I have never been so mindfucked and hurt as he did. I tried to answer so many questions about why, blame myself, and more and then I finally just dealt with the actual pain. The entire body/soul/mind pain. I had to let myself fall in to it like never before to start to get it to start to heal. I had some ideas of how I was blocking myself, but none of them helped until I accepted and faced how extreme it was. I had some understanding about what he had done, but HG’s writing really matched and validated it for me. I would never get the validation from him, but got it here.
It does get better and he is not my first narc I think, but truly, my first malignant narc. After this, I think I am on the path to good relationships. I think I won’t let another narc near me again as now I can begin the work of how I might stand in my own way going forward.
(Part 2 of my comment/question)
I do recognize that both narcissist and partner engage in pretend “play”. You take the lead, we were primed to believe your story long before you. We follow this lead, this fox trot.
As always, you paint the picture in detailed contrasts. The pedestal comes crashing down every time, to this place that inflexibly has no understanding or compromise. It’s to hell you go, to make room for the new dust buster.
The thing I noticed this time, that I missed last time I read this, was the use of “we”. I’m confused by it…is it a hint of multiple personality within you or is it an expression reflecting your kind as a whole? Or is it an indication of you seeing a “we” in that relationship (rather than you vs me/I)?
I am speaking on behalf of both of us when using we in this piece.
Nicely done. Many o0f us DO both engage in this pretend play.
This was the sentence combo that confused me:
“It cannot be recovered. There is no hope to do so,” we say slowly.
Hmmm, so we actively engage in denial by playing along often times. Yeah, I can see that. Though, would we do this willingly, if we were not worn down first?
I suppose some, yes. Others, no. Depending on their own wounds and the type of narcissist. Hmmm