Just Leave Him




I know what they say about me. I always know. I know they crowd around, earnest expressions etched across their made-up faces, their mouths flapping as they spout their supposed wisdom to you.

“We will be here for you. You have always got us.”

“If you are unhappy there must be something wrong.”

“Is it right to be treated like this?”

“You are not the person you used to be.”

Who are they to claim what is right for you? Have they held you on that cliff-top with the foaming ocean churning beneath us, the cool Atlantic air brushing past us as a canopy of stars hung overhead? Have they looked into your eyes and seen the pain that I know was there long before I came along, a pain that I have shouldered for you? Where were they when you called at 3am and asked that I tell you a story because you had just had a horrible nightmare? I do not recall them soothing you and keeping those night demons at bay. Do they know you inside out? I think not. They do not know every each of you in the way that I do. Each delicate piece of you that I have kissed and caressed, so there is no place about your person that has not been embraced by me. They have not done that have they? Have they held your long tresses back and rubbed your back as you spewed those cocktails back up and groaned about what how much money you have just regurgitated? No. It was I who rode to your rescue as they wove their drunken way to another bar. They do not know your favourite ten songs and I will wager more than they earn that they have no inclination that you are frightened of geese.

Oh I know alright. I know about their messages which they send you. I have seen them and it is fortunate that I have so I can spare you from the green-eyed lies. They do not have what we have and nor will they ever. One cannot blame them for their wretched jealousy, they are just flesh and blood, but are they your true friends when they seek to pour such sedition in your ears when my back is turned? Ought they not to be happy for you, delighted that you want to spend so much time with me. Do they not see that your sadness on occasions is borne out of your deep and perfect love for me, that such is our connection that you justifiably feel upset when you irk me or irritate me. I know you do not mean to do it and that is why I have not pushed you aside like those other pretenders who came before you. You understand what it is to have found someone who fulfils all your hopes and your dreams and you understand my pain when you sleight me or let me down. Yet, since you are such a good person, my upset becomes your upset but they do not see it. I suppose if I was charitable I might ascribe their short-sightedness to the fact that they lack your special qualities. Only you understand me and only you have that deep-seated bond with me so that what I feel resonates with you. That is who you are and who they are not.

I heard them caution you about moving in together, their comments about “undue haste” and “it is too early” and “he wants you where he can see you.” Well, why should I not? Why should I not have my number one fan with me as often as I can? Why would you want to be anywhere else?Why would I not want to have someone so pretty and wonderful as you besides me? Does not every winner want to show off his trophy? Of course.

I know they have cautioned you about my temper and urged you to depart, claiming that it will only get worse and you will suffer. They mistake passion for temper, but then they would wouldn’t they, it suits their selfish purposes to try and bring down what you and I have. People usually do that when they do not understand something. It is a predictable and regrettable response.  As for their remarks about me controlling you, how can that be so? I chose you for so many things and chief amongst those attributes was the attraction of your strong mind and keen intelligence. So what if I suggest what you might wear and how you should do your hair, I am taking an interest. Would you prefer it if I never commented on how you looked or made no suggestion as to what suited you? I know a couple of them think I stop you seeing them, but that is just more of their campaign of slander. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but the times I have asked you to cancel plans to see some of your friends were only because I wanted to be with you. Perhaps I sounded firmer than I intended, I suppose that might happen when you spend all day working hard to support a relationship, it does make one tired. Do not be concerned by their observations that I make all the decisions about what we do, where we go and how our money is spent. I am happy to bear such a burden for us both and you have admitted, have you not, that I do know more than you about certain things. I am only doing what is right for you, for me and most of all for us. Of course, they do not bother to gain possession of all the facts. They would much rather whisper untruths in your ear based on hearsay and ill-informed perspectives. I suppose that is a price I have to pay for loving you so totally, so completely and so perfectly.

Still, I know they urge you to leave me. I am no fool. I have overheard their comments, heard what they say when they telephone you and seen the messages. I know they want you to depart and escape me. Well, do it. Go. Leave everything that we have built up together. Leave my guiding hand and perhaps someone more grateful will come along. I do not want that but why should my largesse and love be abused in this way? Why should I pour my all into an empty hole? Go do  it. Pack your bags and leave. I will not stop you. See. If I controlled you would I not be begging you to stay and pleading with you to ignore them? If I pulled your strings as they accuse me of doing so would I not be threatening you now with all manner of terrible consequences if you had the audacity to step through that door and away from me? But I have not and I do not, because you already know don’t you? That is why I chose you. But I shall not stand in your way. If it really is awful being with someone who only ever has your best interests at heart and who loves you perfectly, albeit sometimes clumsily and erratically, then leave me. Just leave.

I know you won’t though. I know.

55 thoughts on “Just Leave Him

  1. Jody Allen says:

    HQ I’ve been surrounded by nothing but camo wearing, gun toting, flag flying, sexist, machismo men almost my entire life. Grunting out their deer/elk hunting stories, bragging about their trucks, and how great they are at everything.
    Imagine my surprise when I attracted a sophisticated man who traveled, had a Camero (and not a lifted truck that you needed to use a ladder to get in to it), went to fine restaurants (instead of Sizzler), didn’t own an ounce of Camo, and his guns (which were for protection) were locked in a gun safe. He ended up grunting out his exploits, bragging about his successes and how great he was at everything too ~
    Please don’t think I hate men. I love men! They are the most interesting and perplexing creatures on this earth, and I’m not trying to sterotype anyone or piss anyone off. This is just the type of men that I grew up with and what I have attracted.
    My point to all of this is:
    Nothing. I got nothing. There is no point 🙂
    But I am the pie!♡♡♡

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      Damn fucking straight you are the pie!

  2. Jody Allen says:

    LOL Dr. Harleen!
    You are right
    “I Am The Pie!”
    While I’m certainly not ready to date (except myself, because I don’t know who I am anymore) I will use this as my new mantra 😉
    Thank you, so much for your support and video clip!
    You’ve really helped to lift my spirits and helped give me some hope.
    Love and Hugs your way!

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


      No problem girl. You will be okay and you will find yourself. In fact you will be more than okay!

      What’s so funny is when this show first came out I hadn’t people coming up to me saying I was just like that chick Jess because apparently I act and look like her. I’ll take it she’s goofy lmao 🤓😜

      I’m just gonna hip hop around the halls at work saying I am the pie lmao!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        HG do you have any good exit lines? 😂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do. Article to follow.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        Can’t wait to read it!

        “My uncle is on fire”

        “I have an acquaintance in jeopardy”

        Lmao 😂

    2. Jody Allen says:

      “I’ve got Hockey Practice”
      “Velcro shoes, he’s a pervert”
      I Am The Pie!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        I’ll tell you a funny story in a little bit about a time one of my sociopath friends saved me on a date – literally on the actual date – as in I brought him with me 😂

        1. Jody Allen says:

          I’m all ears, HQ!

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        I was 20 (I’m 30 now)…

        I was fresh out of a relationship dating around and what not…

        This guy in one of my art classes from a previous semester asked me out. I actually felt bad saying no and then last minute he threw on me he wanted to take me hiking in bear mountain. I was thinking wtf? I told my sociopath friend and made up a liento this guy I would hang out with him if my friend could come because he was so depressed and how his gf cheated on him and blah blah blah …

        First off no man should ever fucking ever take my ass hiking – especially on a first date…. and on a mountain in the middle of bums fuckville hours away lmao….

        This guy (my date) shows up in like camo lol! My friend and I look at eachother and are like wow this is gonna be interesting.

        My sociopath friend and I were basically in a state of wtf the whole time it was so awkward and weird….

        My date look so annoyed it was so funny but he has such weird items on him. Let’s put it that way haha…

        He ran over an animal as we were driving there and he told me he was in the military at one point. Of course my crazy ass was like really have you killed anyone? The car got silent and then he was like yessss I have. In the creepiest way ever.

        Needless to see I never saw him again and I am forever thankful to that sociopath for cock blocking and being up for a random weird time lmao.

        I’ve learned how to say no a lot better and clearly would never do something as dumb as that ever again lmao…

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        Omg you are too funny! I don’t think you hate men at all! Lol

        I attract all different types of men but I always was drawn to the rough around the edges kinda guys (sexually speaking). They always had to have some kinda edge. I’m trying to get into guys (those rare few that are left) that are “nicer” .

        I wouldn’t be able to tolerate a guy that kept talking about how great he was in every sentence lmao! I would zone out. I guess ADHD comes in handy lmao!

        1. Jody Allen says:

          HAHA HQ!
          I, too, have only gone for the Bad Boys or those who were “hard to get”~ I wonder if I could just have fun with them but not get involved? I don’t think so, because that has failed every time.
          I’m not really sure what I would do with a Nice one…I’m sure I’d be highly suspicious of him and try to run him off…
          At this point, I’m just working on myself. I have to completely change what I think love is, and break the very bad habits that I’ve been repeating for years and years..We’ll just have to see what that butterfly looks like when she emerges from the chrysalis♡

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    That’s what my ex said. “Oh sit down you’re not going anywhere.” Oh boy was he very wrong.

    I loved telling him when we were having some extreme blow out how everybody hated him and told me I was too good for him.

    He looked very disturbed by this – probably because he felt the facade wasn’t as good as he thought it was.

  4. Mona says:

    Yolo, normals usually only do stop the abuse earlier, so that there is less damage done. Therefore they can move forward. If they were fooled over a long time without knowing it, because their narc was very manipulative and persuading, they are shell-shocked like empath. “Normals” only have more strict and helpful boundaries. Both (empath and narc) use their learnt survival techniques to cope with the situation. He/she is too violent and manipulative and she/he. adapts himself/herself too much and stays too long. Usually both grew up with a narcissistic parent. Both do not find the right balance to react to another one and do the same they had done in the past when they were hurt (behaviours which were successful in the past but now they are not useful any more).

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


      I agree with what you said about normals having better boundaries. They stop the abuse pretty damn fast – they cut and leave – although they are still obviously wounded….they don’t stay as long and wait for more awful things to happen.

    2. CatLady2468 says:

      For me it wasn’t so much having or not having boundaries this round although with more overts in the past that was certainly an issue. I scrapped fiercely and for many months, didn’t let him get away with things and called him out when caught. Every time. I was so damn exhausted by it but refused to give in and let him get away with things I knew about. He hated it. He’d kiss up eventually with his fake apologies and even that became grounds to point out his fakery on.

      This round though I think I enforced them too late. Life happens I became vulnerable financially after a job loss and bam. I was now the weaker one.

      For me I think I hate deciding on whether I’m yet again close to a person who isn’t who I thought they were, or was dupped yet again. I know that’s my own ego and fears at play, and I am so much in love with love that I am terrified of making the wrong decision about someone. So I give another chance. And another. And a million more. Hell even set it all up for them, picked my own gifts even at times all he had to do was make a 1 min investment or slightest effort at one point. I hated myself even I got to that point, felt so gross and needy, not my normal displayed way of being in relationships even if I feel it at my core. But anyway I’m taking… My point is the deciding that they are someone who needs to have more gatekeeping in the first place usually done to protect myself that’s the problem. The boundaries are there but my close person or people are discussing so I’m freely giving then reluctant to seem overly bitter but will still address violations of boundaries. Delayed boundaries I guess it would be lol it’s never good for them though since I hate having to bring up those convos fastest way to make me resent someone!

  5. 12345 says:

    I told myself I couldn’t go no contact for so long for every reason listed above. I’m fortunate in that ex-narc took care of that for me.

    Bottom line…I didn’t want to. Investment in time, love, kids, money, that long list of reasons we justify staying. It’s all crap. If we loved ourselves and even our children we wouldn’t stay. Full stop.

  6. Yolo says:

    Comments from (normals) most clearly dont get if a person treats you like crap kick them to curve. What’s there to talk or debate over. No pros or cons. The cons out weigh the 98 pros 😊
    I personally think their reponse to situations good or bad are healthier than narcs or empaths
    They identify, process, act and move forward.

    1. June says:

      “I personally think their reponse to situations good or bad are healthier than narcs or empaths”

      I would not call mob mentality or the bystander effect “healthy.” Or their belief that if “everybody’s doing it” then it must be right, and anything different is inherently wrong.

      But…yes, I suppose their attitude towards abusive relationships is healthier than that of empaths who endure them and narcissists who create them. There, I said it. It wasn’t easy for me. My childhood and experiences gave me a disdain bordering on actual hatred for those “normals”…so self-absorbed, and yet so self-righteous about being better than everyone simply because they are in the majority.

      But I suppose they too are the way they are for a purpose, and my feelings are a prejudice that I would likely be a better person without.

      1. Yolo says:


        I respect your position. However, i dont see them as being self righteous or their avoiding situations that don’t particularly concern them as negative. Some may have taken the attitude as if i offer advice it doesn’t matter or I dont have a dog on this fight so I will lay low.

        Hell, most normals are empaths with knowledge that only comes with age or abuse.

        I understand your stance to remain prejudice as it applies to empaths , narcs, or normals. Eventually, the ego or lack thereof will win.

        Stupid quote or cliches i know ” if you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything “

  7. Sarah says:

    Well written HG don’t think you missed a beat.

    As a victim I lived this article… “Flesh n blood” “friends” people who really know, love and care for me, telling me over & over “get away from him”, “all he does it hurt you” “you deserve so much better”……it’s funny how you can’t see it, when your the one involved and emotionally attached, or are just in denial! but everyone around you who isn’t can see the real picture so clearly.

    As a victim, you have to come back to your values, morals and self worth as hard as this is, because if you don’t, your existence with eventually be destroyed.

  8. C★ says:

    My BFF was a psych ward nurse. She knew of him before I. There are HIPPA and confidentiality laws.. without going into detail, I was warned. I played with the “Fire”, being that which I am….I received severe burns… i was the moth going back to the light…..
    DON’T DO IT!!! Learn from me…. I was told to leave him before it even began… I had fair warning about the danger… you should see me now… i will rise above the flame and become Zero Impact

  9. Scout says:

    I did though, I walked and I didn’t look back and that was very tough. The betrayal was too great in the end. As I said to him, the ‘relationship’ had reached it’s inevitable conclusion. Leaving maybe extremely painful and difficult but their is no alternative.

  10. Jody Allen says:

    And then you wonder why I won’t implement No Contact and cannot get away?
    10 days in Kauai (SO romantic)! 10 days in Cabo San Lucas (We sailed on a Pirate Ship past Lovers Beach) Sky Diving (My first Valentine’s Day Gift, along with chocolates, flowers and stuffed animals)Weekend trips to San Diego. My Art Studio. Everything I liked he liked and made sure we did it..No one in this world knows me better than he does. He took the time to get to know me..
    I felt he loved me as deeply as I did him, and it was no problem to take care of him, brought him meals in bed every day, and his kids and when he had a breakdown I took care of all of that and then his business. I treated him like a King because I was supposed to be the Queen..
    Sure he abused me, he even gave me a few scars, and he could Mindfuck and gaslight me like nobody’s business. He couldn’t trust me with money so I could never have any, but his kids could..and they didn’t even have chores. It was all forgivable if I could just have that beautiful man back…I would have waited forever..
    I wonder, H.G. if you think people like me are sicker than the Narcissist?

    1. C★ says:

      its called “Golden Period”… get over it. Its all “fake” to ensnare

      1. Jody Allen says:

        I understand that, but “getting over it” means cutting off cold someone who has been in my life every single day for the last 5 years, (but maybe a week total), isn’t so easy. There is more than the Golden Period. I invested my heart, soul, time, energy, love, in this person. I gave up my career, my bank account, even sold my car with the promise of another one (and gave him half the money) I helped raise his kids, helped his business, and loved him like no other person in this world. I took very good care of him.
        I’m aware that it was all fake (still a very hard pill to swallow) and I’ve been played to the highest degree and left completely destitute…I’m sorry if you don’t see it that way, but all of the above metioned things are going to take some time to come to terms with and heal from. Learn to trust someone again and especially learn to trust myself.

        1. C★ says:

          been there, done that, 13 years and then went “cold turkey”, N/C. If I can do it, anyone can. Its never easy, but it does get easier

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        It would be nice of you to show a little more compassion. Simply saying “get over it” isn’t exactly helpful.

        1. C★ says:

          “get over it”, whatever it takes…. it is the cold brutal truth, as Lord Tudor would say…. has nothing to do with compassion, dr hiQ

        2. C★ says:

          there you go again… insulting and putting down another reader’s opinion and more unasked for psycho analysis. you do not know my level of compassion…. just want to point this out to other readers…

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        You can deliver the same message but in a much kinder and softer way.

        1. C★ says:

          it is not your place to tell me (or anyone here) what to do or how to deliver a message…. why do you persist on engaging with me when you had previously said you are done???

    2. 12345 says:

      Do you think you are?

      1. Jody Allen says:

        Yes, sometimes I think I am

    3. Jane Smith says:

      Funny, I just arrived to this site to check it out and you left your comment to HG less than 1 minute ago. I want to leave my opinion if you don’t mind. I’m an Empath. I’m 51 and I just learned about Empaths about 10 months ago. I’ve been doing nothing but learning all I can learn because I am stuck living with a Demon. He is what’s known as the Covert Narcissist or Shy Narcissist. I’m my opinion these types are worse than an Overt narcissist, because they are Covert. LOL…. I’m really tired and need to go to bed. I just want to ask you why the hell would you care what HG thinks about you? He doesn’t give a crap about anyone but himself, so why would you care about his narcissist opinions? I am some kind of different Empath and it’s driving me batty all these labels. Hate them. I seem to resonate with what’s known as a Heyoka Empath, though I don’t ever boast about what I’ve learned because it’s like a God damned curse. I unconsciously make people uncomfortable and actually force them to look into the mirror. Sometimes I feel like people want to kill me just for entering a God damned room and not doing a God damned thing to anyone. It’s as if I have some invisible force field around me. I’m sick of it. I hate it. I am tired of people gawking at me. I think I’m a sociopath magnet also. Anyway I can run my mouth for hours, but just wanted to say that you have got to start LOVING yourself first before you can learn how to “get over” loving a demonic narcissist. You’re not SICKER than a narc…. You’re STRONGER than a narc and that’s why they are attracted to you….. Learn to spot them and head in the opposite direction. I am interested in HG’s YouTube videos also, not sure if you’ve watched them. He seems to enjoy toying with Empaths in his real life. Just a hunch. Lol. I enjoy exposing Narcissists and I tell them to their face that they’re Demons, then I take off lol because a narc can’t STFU. I’ve got many haters in this little demonic town that I moved to in the country. I think the majority of people here are narcissists…..I honestly believe this town is possessed…. So many crows and vultures and bats. Old houses from the 1800’s are still here and people live in them…. They seem to ALL stare at me. Not every single person, but the majority. When I get near certain people it’s like they become mesmerized by me. It’s annoying. I feel like I must be naked or something at times. I do my best to avoid being near them. I’m sorry for babbling so much. I’m just wishing I can put it all together in my mind quickly before I drop dead from stress. I need to figure out how to stop feeling the fucked up emotions that the narc demon I reside with feels. I seem to absorb peoples energies. It’s killing me, because most people are negative. Lol…Have a good evening. I wish you well.
      Jane Smith

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I don’t think it was the case from what Jody wrote as to whether she cares about what I think about her but rather she welcomed my observations based on her own desire for knowledge.

      2. Jody Allen says:

        Good Morning, Jane Smith:
        I’m terribly sorry you are going through this, too. I wouldnt wish this on anyone.
        It is the worst kind of feeling when the rug has been pulled out from underneath your feet.
        At first you think you’re crazy and in a substantial amount of denial. But as you start researching, listening and discussing with others about what you’re going through- something else happens-The pieces start coming together and you begin to understand the complexities of these types of relationships and to how to protect and put yourself back together.
        You are right you learn that you are stronger than they are.It doesn’t dismiss the wrongdoing, the manipulation of your heart and soul, the terrible lie that it all was, by any means.
        What this knowledge does is begin to center you, and help you heal, and I do have H.G. and the support of all the others here on this blog to thank. through their own pain they are able to help others who are in pain.
        Before I came here I had been to several sites but all they did was bash Narcissistic personalities. That, in no way, helped my progress to get through this and, really, left a bad taste in my mouth, and then I came here (a Narc hater site mentioned H.G.) to hopefully get answers. AND I have!
        This place has kept me from going completely over the edge. Because telling my story to my family only made me look crazier and feel more helpless. I truly was on the verge of suicide.
        I rant, I rave, I tailspin, throw out anger denial and boy, do I ramble..Sometimes I get a well intentioned response and sometimes others know that I just need to be heard without judgement, like they do .
        It is a very supportive blog and I would defend anyone in here, and yes, even H.G., who is gracious enough to allow us access to his world at the cost of some very vicious blows, and will give you sound advice if you ask for it.
        I feel that we’ve all already been hit hard below the belt and in pain. So I have no desire to contribute more to someone elses pain.The only mud I want to sling is where it belongs-and that is at my abuser.
        I hope you stay awhile, Jane. Learn what this is about (there are so many articles, books and videos) then heal and grow. Those are the best weapons that we can have against our abusers and potential abusers. I wish you the best ♡♡♡

      3. Yolo says:

        Jane Smith,

        Just like your name remember some stories are based from our reality. Therefore whats real to us today, may be the complete opposite the next day.

        Hold up😉I am not applying that to all and i know first hand the devastation caused by being with a narc.

        HG, can attest to that, lol, dogs down mask on…he has read and didn’t release some of my post when i was at my lowest or just drunk.

        I think he keeps them in a trunk folder and if needed will release. Hahaha.

        This statement does not imply that i know HG personally or otherwise. All my comments are made based on my opinion or entertainment purposes only.

        I was not paid to state the above 😊😊.

    4. Anonymous says:

      No, Jody, people like you are not sicker. My ex was also a huge part of my life for the past four years, and it wasn’t all bad. In fact, in a way, it was the best relationship I ever had. This sounds really sad. Like you, we’ve had some awesome trips and amazing times and he was my confidant, lover, partner in crime, and friend. Unlike you, I didn’t give up my career, or lose anything else aside from time and some of my sanity, I guess. He did keep some of my things but they’re not of big value.
      I did cut him off pretty much from one day to the next and I’m not going to lie, in the beginning it was weird. To imagine that this person is just gone, essentially, that this person never existed, was hard to stomach. Even my best friend (gsypsylee73 on here) said something like “I can’t believe this is really happening”. I basically walked around like a zombie for weeks. We’ve had plans for the summer, now I don’t have any. It feels weird. It’s strange. Like you say, even if we rationally know this person isn’t good for us, it still takes time to heal. It’s been seven weeks for me since my escape and I’m under no delusion that the storm is over, even though on the surface, I do feel better.
      Just take your time. Don’t be hard on yourself. We all have our own ways of dealing with things, and that’s ok.

    5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      Hey Jody,

      I understand how you feel. The unfortunate part about all this is that you loved someone who doesn’t really exist. You end up going no through the stages of grief. I invested a lot of time and energy and made many life decisions based upon my ex and that is what also plays a part in why people stay. Yes, you invested all this time and made all these sacrifices… but how many more are you going to make. It’s a poor investment.

      I understand there is so much cognitive dissonance going on in your mind it’s like your mind and your heart can’t accept this man is a dipshit. It’s easy to say from the side I’m on now to cut it off and never look back. I can’t tell you how many times I knew I should have just left but I couldn’t because of my investment and not wanting to deal with the breakup. The truth is that once your mind accepts that everything you have ever known is a lie and you are waiting for something that will never happen you get closer to freedom.

      Everyone has their point when enough is enough. Everyone has different flavors of bullshit they can tolerate and to what degree…

      I got tired of feeling anxious, depressed, and a shell of a person. I got tired of being angry all the time and rushing over to see someone who would throw passive aggressive digs at me or ignore me while I was with them – or use me for sex and money.

      Once you have hit your limit and I don’t know what it is for you … you will make that move. It hurts like a bitch – it’s all you will think about for awhile but as the days roll on it gets easier. It is only with space you sit back and go wow how the fuck did I let this piece of shit treat me like this? It is only with space you will see there is nothing to miss.

      Some days are easier than others. You are torturing yourself. I say this out of love and not out of nastiness – you are an object – you are convenient – he only thinks about what he can gain from you – it will be the same with the next woman. The cycle continues – I looked in my ex boyfriends emails when we were dating and I swear to god emails dated back from 2007 until the time we were dating … all the exes said I shit you not the same shit I did. He replied the same way back to them…

      It made my jaw drop… the cycle continues it never ends.

      It’s all the same with every single one. You are better than that. You are so much more than an object of convenience.

      1. Jody Allen says:

        Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD

        Thank you for your post.
        The night I left he punched me on the face and broke my glasses, (a month before that I had to drive myself to the hospital because he hit me over the head and I needed stiches, prior to that he cut open my chin).I woke up early the next morning and left because I had decided I have been hit for the last time. I’ve been gone nearly 6 weeks
        This abuse was only evident in the last year. The others, financial abuse, mental/emotinal abuse, gaslighting and complete withdrawl were all throughout the 5 years of our relationship…I just didn’t know what it was and I thought I was losing my mind.
        “Your job is to take care of me” His motto and daily mantra to me.
        I know that from the things described that I should hate this man, but I do not.
        He doesn’t try to contact me, I’m the only one who breaks NC, and when he does respond, it is to blame me and accept no responsibility for anything.
        I keep hoping I’ll just run out of steam and out of words and finally get pissed off. So far I feel sad, numb and desperate.
        I’m not in the place I was in 5 weeks ago, or 3 weeks ago, but you’re right, I do have bad days and sometimes they last for a few days, but there are some good in there too. I’m 1600 miles away, and I know things will turn around as soon as I can find work.
        Thanks again for your kind words♡

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Hey Jody,

        You clearly have been through a great deal
        of abuse. Trauma bonds are extremely complex and I understand why you get this urge to contact him. Everytime you get an urge to talk to him try to write on here or contact a friend. He will never own or give a shit about his behavior. I know this all gets confusing and emotionally overwhelming but I promise it will get better. You have support from me and from others on here. You need to be around people more and do things and speak to a psychologist who specializes in trauma and domestic abuse. Keep your mind as busy as possible and do things with people. Make sure you don’t isolate yourself. I recognize it’s easier said than done and the thoughts of him will enter your mind while doing things but it will get better. It will improve. You are a survivor and you are so much braver than you give yourself credit for. I applaud you and send so much love your way. If I met you in person I can assure you I would keep you company to help get your mind off of this sick individual.

      3. CatLady2468 says:

        “The unfortunate part about all this is that you loved someone who doesn’t really exist. You end up going no through the stages of grief. I invested a lot of time and energy and made many life decisions based upon my ex and that is what also plays a part in why people stay. Yes, you invested all this time and made all these sacrifices… but how many more are you going to make. It’s a poor investment.”

        This is why I effed up and contemplated his lies as truths when hoovered 3 months after I kicked his ass out and 2 weeks ago. Although I came to my senses within 24 hrs or so, I let the hope persist until July 1st. He’d been questioned, I made it ear I expected actions over words now and he had his work cut out for him if he actually wanted a formal relationship again. The spineless jellyfish of a covert mid that he is built castles in the sky to leave me stood up and hanging and the dip doesn’t have the balls to respond to my direct and escalated to demands of an explanation, I even set it up for him to admit it was a revenge discard with a yes or no. But no, not even worth that 2-3 letters of a reply from the shit head. I’m not stupid, I know how he is and he’d be so desperate for fuel that knowing I was crying would’ve sucked a reply out of him but this silence I know he found a play thing. I know I was too much work to sustain and/or was malign hoover disguised as benign. Either way, like HG has said before it’s the hope, the positivity, the wanting to be wrong and the belief that they’ll come around to do the right thing/be what they sued at being that right f*&KS with us and makes us vulnerable to further manipulations.

        “I got tired of feeling anxious, depressed, and a shell of a person. I got tired of being angry all the time and rushing over to see someone who would throw passive aggressive digs at me or ignore me while I was with them – or use me for sex and money.

        Once you have hit your limit and I don’t know what it is for you … you will make that move. It hurts like a bitch – it’s all you will think about for awhile but as the days roll on it gets easier. It is only with space you sit back and go wow how the fuck did I let this piece of shit treat me like this? It is only with space you will see there is nothing to miss.”


        And I’m on round 2 (or 200) of this now. Double disgust this time I hate him Vs the sadness and depression of before. I think because stupid me I was honest two wks ago with him. To be frank, I’m pretty effed up in a lot of ways and told him the mind games were the worst, that he could actually drive one to suicide with that mind you that was more 9-3 months ago when at my worst with him and worn down. It was a test in a way. And he faced big time and that really adds motivation to maintain n/c this time because he/his treatment of me despite all of this being made clear disgusts me to my core (I’m a bit of a feisty one too and also an advocate for vulnerable people, you can relate to the self disgust I’m sure as well to having known better – I have an honours in psych, social service worker advanced diploma, and am on leave from MA in counselling psychology – it’s all extra layers of shame to work through imho).

        1. Jody Allen says:

          CatLady ,
          I understand all too well the hurt, confusion, and disappointment, I’m reading I’m your words.
          I, too, gave lots of chances although this is the first time I actually left. The other times I had my bags packed, and that got pretty old.
          In retrospect, if I knew what I was dealing with I would have gotten out much sooner than 5 years later. I know I say that now because the mindfuckery and gaslightIng on his end kept me very busy and my lack of any kind of boundaries allowed him to run rough shod over me. In the end I was a complete mess.
          I too, had lost a great job. That’s where things changed..but that scenario played right into his master plan.
          It’s been a very rough 6 weeks so far, but the encouragement and support system that I have in here and outside of here is very positive and the fog is finally starting to lift and things are looking up. Your intuition is spot on Get Out if you can, it’s not worth your health (on any level).
          Peace and love to you♡

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        Another individual in the mental health community yay! Try not to be so hard on yourself. A lot these support groups are full of social workers and psychologists it’s crazy! I understand the shame I still battle with that for numerous reasons – especially because I knew better. I honestly couldn’t fathom a lesser being going through so much effort to try and fool me. I was like “oh harley come on now why would he go through all this trouble?” Lmao

        There is also shame for putting up with the way he treated me. I see scenes of shit in my head everyday and I get really really mad. It’s been better though – it’s starting to fade. It will be one year for me August 5th (I used to think it was the 4th but technically the 5th). It still feels like it happened yesterday. It’s so weird….

        The year really flew by. I was doing amazing until I was informed he had some girlfriend that was like 15 years younger and although I was told she was not as pretty as me or intelligent or as successful it put me back months. I have to step out of myself and realize it’s always the same. He repeats the same sad cycle over and over.

        Have you ever heard of a residual ghost? The same traumatic event plays over and over again….

        You are going to be great! In fact when you get out of this you are going to be one of those few people that can help people like yourself. None of these psychologists know shit about narcissistic abuse.

        My psychiatrist friend (although she meant well) recently asked “well why did you stay if t was so bad” – that line drives me insane.

        They don’t understand – but we can make them understand.


    6. Yolo says:

      Are you sure he’s a narc? Who’s caring for his kids now? You don’t have to answer. Lately, i have started to indulge in other activities for “entertainment ” one being the civil court shows.
      Fair exchanged is not robbery.

      “10 days in Kauai (SO romantic)! 10 days in Cabo San Lucas (We sailed on a Pirate Ship past Lovers Beach) Sky Diving (My first Valentine’s Day Gift, along with chocolates, flowers and stuffed animals)Weekend trips to San Diego. My Art Studio. Everything I liked he liked and made sure we did it”

      I know in prior posta you have painted him to be a narc or maybe not.

      This love thing or whatever doesn’t last forever, the person doesn’t have to be a narc for it to grow old. That is life.

      You could not have thought it was a forever thing without a ring. (Ring is just symbolic to narc and normal).

      I have that doggie head turned to one side thing going on tonight. (Without wine) I think i should catch up tomorrow. Night..fellow empaths, narcs, normals, and all others with pd. 😘😘

      1. Jody Allen says:

        Hi Yolo-
        Without a doubt this man is a Narcissist in the highest degree~ I am completely certain of that.

    7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


      There are some people that forget what it felt like to be in your position.

      Sending hugs and love your way.

      1. Jody Allen says:

        Dr H~
        Thank you for your kind words (and the love & hugs). I must admit it caused me to question myself all over again. So, I re-read and listened to everything all over again, and found my focus once more.
        Sending Love & Hugs back to you!

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        You aren’t crazy – they just try to make you feel that way! Shit… my ex tried to make me believe I was bipolar (every ex was bipolar lol) – the advantage that I had was I happen to have dealt with many psychopathic personalities in the past and I’m a psychologist so I never believed I was bipolar lol!

        I actually have a few friends that are sociopaths and I thought this may give you a laugh… one sent this to me because they said it reminded him of me and other empathetic people while dating.

        This is so me unfortunately – it’s funny though hahaha – I’ve had my sociopath friends save me from a few dates


      3. C★ says:

        you never “forget”, you should know that…

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:


        Say it with me lol…

        “I am the pie” 😂

    8. Tappan Zee says:

      I am not HG so perhaps my answer isn’t valid. I can say YES we are sicker. As a result. And perhaps to predisposition. We were picked not be because we were bad but because we were good. I just read that elsewhere. Didn’t coin it. We CAN be good again. GOSO & NC. The tides inside you will change. Only in that order. Hard as hell. One thing I have said in groups, 1×1 and while in shelter (YES EVEN I WHO THOUGHT NBD: NEEDED A WELL PREPARED ESCAPE PLAN) was: The only thing that hurts worse than abuse? Is leaving it. And all the support gets it. Hang in. Absorb. Stick around. We don’t have to stay sick. Pick up the tools and sharpen as you go.

      1. catlady2468 says:

        The only thing that hurts worse than abuse? Is leaving it.

        Agreed. Freaking trauma bonds… Ugh.

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