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20 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 18”
My mother told me a slightly different version of this not long after my father passed away, yet before I came out of the “FOG”. She’d said “You loved your father more than me.” I quickly told her that was not true. In fact, I’d never even thought about loving one parent more than the other. Though it was obvious my father loved me unconditionally, while it seemed I could NEVER make her happy. I can now see how this statement of hers caused me to try even harder, for a little while longer. Sometimes I wonder if she secretly hated me more because of his love towards me.
I now believe she PURPOSELY kept special things from me, some that had belonged to my father. Things she’d assured me I would get. I’ll relay the tale of one. (Because I’ve learned so much from other people’s stories.) So my mother told me as I sat next to her at my father’s military funeral, that he’d wanted me to have the flag from atop his casket. I truly felt quite honored by him hearing that. A few minutes after it was presented to her, she handed it to me. I virtually hugged it as I thought about how much I was going to miss him. At the end of the ceremony, my mother was going to my “golden” brothers house for awhile and said she wanted to take it with her. I gave her a slight protest to which she sounded frustrated, telling me a couple times that I would get it back. But somehow deep inside, I KNEW in that very moment I would never see that flag again. A couple months passed before I decided to ask
her about getting it. Her response, “Oh, I gave that to your brother.”
I imagine she really enjoyed all the hurt I clearly expressed. Then she went on to TRY to make me feel selfish, as if I just didn’t want my brother to have it.
I now believe our intuitions allow us to know what’s really going on, even when we can’t put our finger on what that is.
This is SO my narc mother. First, she loved saying she was a crow mother, meaning she always told others we were beautiful ewen though we were not in reality (yes, she told us the story and laughed about it). Second she constantly smeared my father and put herself as the good parent. For me it was HORRIBLE to be in the middle of the war between the two of them. She did make sure we grew up with a very negative image of my father. He was an alcoholic, so she did have material to use against him. I do not think he had NPD though. It was nasty.
Now that word was never used. Love.
One person told me they loved me, one person showed me unconditional love and what it looks like. My mentor. Not my family. Their love is different. My husbands family version of love is even more twisted.
As of late I have found myself missing my mentor and her wisdom.
both my parents despised me equally… i was NEVER told or expressed love or affection… However, I know of divorced parents using this one on their kids quite frequently
That would be absolutely impossible. No one can love me like my father loved me. ❤
It’s bad when you know your wife is saying this to your kids
What does that mean HG ?
It is the comment of a narcissistic mother seeking to triangulate the child with his or her father for the purposes of drawing fuel, control and driving a wedge between son/daughter and father.
Thank you !! I realise that now from the comments , i thought you meant narc boyfriends / husbands saying this , sorry my mistake
The ever favored line but by both of them. I love you more than your mother don’t you know that? Don’t you think that? You do understand that right? All to get me to say yes and take a side. Then she would say, I love you more than he does, I take better care of you don’t I? I’m always there for you aren’t I? I am the better parent you know I am. Then after agreeing later that would be used against me in a number of ways. Either one would throw it back at me and say you said I was better or one would say she knows I’m the better parent she tells me all the time. Or she knows I love her more because she takes my side. Always stuck in the middle trying to pacify both. Upsetting one or the other. I had to come up with creative ways to broker a peace treaty. No wonder I became great at mediation. Lemonade making is my forte.
The role of Peacemaker is a huge and exhausting burden on a child. It shapes you to become the “sponge” to absorb a lot of strife before you even realize there’s a problem.
When I read this one, I thought of you and your story that you shared about your parents months ago. I am not sure how I would have handled that tug of war, though I understand more why you have a strong need for justice and fairness, it’s the fighter in you that had to stand between two sides and feeling all pressure from them.
A truth seeker with a sword!
For all that experienced this:
When we are crushed in the crucible of life, sometimes the resulting potion is far more powerful that what had been put in the bowl. They (abusive parents) had no clue how powerful they really made us!
Indy the Alchemist! Threw in the ingredients and poof! Out popped me or Nostradamus, I have identity issues!
I like that nickname!
Nostradamus? Do you dabble with clairvoyance?
Every narc I ever met in my life expects me to predict what they are going to do so….*looks in bowl sees doom*
Wow, I’m sorry you had to live like that …
Thx sues423. Don’t feel sorry. It made me what I am today. I’m pretty great and have a normal relationship with a unicorn…..haha, they do exist. I just have to remember that he loves me/he loves me not is not real love. Real love is constant, stable and true. It provides you with a secure foundation and takes care of you and wants the best for you. Will never abuse in any way. The roller coaster is exciting, but in all the wrong ways. Better to keep calm and enjoy the ride together.
The ultimate attempted smearing was when i was about 7 taking me to one of his lovers home in the middle of the night and trying to make me go with her to the front door to witness them together. I refused crying. Ill never forget that. All in the name of revenge and smearing. There was more to that marriage then she ever admitted to. It was all his fault and she was the one who did no wrong.
My mother never did this but she sure smeared my dad especially to his parents and also us kids. She had them in her back pocket. Particularly my grandma. To this day she smears him yet she was infatuated with him and never got over the divorce and his infidelity.
It was lies though. Neither really gave a fuck…