Bound

bound-2

 

One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allow you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and vicious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.

27 thoughts on “Bound

  1. H says:

    No, I don’t long, pine, or lovingly ache for my exNarc. I hope the abyss of his dark soul eats him and his worthless existence alive. I might be an empath, but I (not he) am the superior being in every way. I want to build the world up in joy and beauty. He just wants to burn it all down. Who would miss THAT?

  2. My opinion says:

    I would say, this article is just blade bla. When we finally leave, we can put any narcissist behind because there are so many methods of healing now on the market. And it all becomes a form of entertainment, looking at your type (just like looking at a bat) with curiosity but without any wish of engaging with you. Just look and know for sure that there is no fulfillment for you. Ever. And that’s just about enough revenge because we, humans, are capable of love and joy. And so, one looks at your kind because it’s a mental challenge to understand what has happened. And then, with help of many good coaches out there, we sort of move on, in an upgraded version. And when one can laugh and have a good time one is fine with the idea that bats exist and spiders exist and scorpions exist. It’s just another life form after all. I only need to keep the proper distance, and I have my daily laugh.

  3. Rn2000 says:

    So, so, so true! Trapped, either way.

  4. The remedy is to detach with love as per Al Anon.

  5. ajo says:

    I’d love to learn more about your aquirering character traits and what that really looks like, how it’s done, etc. I understand mirroring, but is it safe to say that a narc picks up interests, hobbies, info etc. from friends and IPPS’s throughout their life and make them their own?
    Do you have any articles regarding this specifically?
    Thanks!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Ajo, if you read The Prime Aims, there is more in there. There will also be further articles on this.

  6. Jane Hall says:

    HG my husband has apologised for his ill treatment of me…he says it his entirely his fault. He takes the blame. He says he wishes he could change the past. That I don’t deserve him. He acknowledges all of his part in his bad behaviour. It seems like genuine regret. But…he has always been that way. it has always been…Sorry….then a continuing on – this time though he has made a real effort to change…it seems. However, our son told me recently that his dad had squared up to him when I wasn’t around and that I wasn’t to tell his dad that I knew….and also Husband has been blaming my dad – who died last year – for the house we brought not being finished off and for other things. So, has he really chamged? Windstorm 2 – I feel same way you do. Husband is just like an annoying, elder child. I thought that today, when I was taking him somewhere in the car and he was sulking. My way will be to sell this house…..next year probably….and then I will live without him. One problem – he has poor vision, he and his family are counting on me to look after and nurse him. LOL. So I am going to look terrible, abandoning a poor, sick man. But he is IMPOSSIBLE to live with.
    Thanks HG for this fantastic site you are a great writer.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Jane.

  7. Sandra Zacharewicz says:

    Yes, this is what they do but it’s irreversible; all you need do with “deliberate intent” is remove thier stuff. The best revenge is selling thier stuff and that which is valueless, throwaway. With every piece of thier being , being removed from your space . The more powerful you become. Don’t hold onto illusions and definitely , don’t hold onto the” illusions” , personal refuge. We take back power when we literally, remove toxic people and their things, from our living (and healing) space. Action, action, action, don’t mope, cleanse your home of all the evil, noxious, reminders and set yourself free. My recovery time, from a 5 year relationship is going amazingly, swiftly, due to the catharsis that removing “his stuff” created. Dude, is still reeling from the fact that , nothing of his remained inside my home in a short, 2 weeks time. Revenge and rebirth can occur simaltanisly. No one can have power of your thoughts or emotions, unless you let them. We’ve given up our power once ; no need to do it twice. Soldier on survivor’s, you’ve earned those scars.Stop yourself from letting the enemy ,take up space in your home and your mind. Burn that “t-shirt” or better yet , sell it and smile when collecting the cash. Also, getting rid of everything of theirs ,takes away, any and all reasons for them to keep in touch. Time is precious ,don’t give one more second, to the narcissist.

  8. Jdhers says:

    HG-Have you ever regretted or felt remorse for destroying a happy woman that felt deeply bonded to you with these games? Also, do your kind stay away for good after a certain amount of time has passed?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I have not.
      No we do not. It is always subject to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria.

      1. Jdhers says:

        Are there any writings in your collection which further explore Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria? Also, have you ever considered destroying an Elite of your kind as atonement to add to your repertoire?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed. There is more about these important elements in Horns and Halos and Ghosted and Gilded.

          Atonement? What have I to atone for Jdhers? I would destroy an elite of my kind for reasons separate to the concept of atonement.

  9. Narc affair says:

    Its true the bond is so intense! Desite the devaluing and games its so hard to break. I keep asking myself why cant i stay no contact? What is wrong with me? Its so complex and im trying to sort it out. The bond is the hardest part to break and that bond is made up of many things. First and foremost codependance. Ive lost who i am without him. Its scary but true. I know its not impossible to find myself again but itd be reinventing who i am bc that girl vanished 6 yrs ago. Ive come to see myself thru him and my happiness.
    The bond is made up of my feelings for the nice sweet guy part of him and try as hard as i might i dont believe its all fake. I think its genuine until he turns into his narc alter ego. Its so hard to believe its all fake. I keep telling myself any fake is too much fakeness.
    Routine is another. Weve had a daily existence that has become reliable and to break this feels very uncomfortable but i know in my mind its healthy to change and grow.
    Not wanting the sense of loss and depression. Its so devastating and consuming. I feel like my soul and being are suffocated by grief.
    Ive tried countless times to go nc during devalue stages and its been next to impossible for me so im trying to understand my bond and what its made up of so i can untangle it from within the relationship and find ways to sever those aspects one by one. Im not sure if its possible but its worth a try. Even if i did i could never cast the narc aside. Change the relationship yes but abandon him i cant see myself doing that. The only way is if he discarded me then itd be over.
    This isnt meant to discourage others from no contact bc it is possible just that im finding it very difficult and trying to sort out why. The bond is so strong and the longer youre involved the harder it is to break free of that.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Narc Affair
      I believe I understand how you feel. It seems very similar to my situation. I can remember many years ago feeling that my relationships were what defined me – I was the mother of, or the wife of, or the daughter of. It didn’t really seem like I was anything important on my own. I also know that feeling of being suffocated by grief and unhappiness.

      To break away from that thinking and discover who I really am, myself (and you don’t have to “invent” that person – she already is there, just suppressed) I had to move out to another county and set up life on my own. Then it was like my caterpillar stage had ended and the butterfly emerged.

      I didn’t feel right about no contact either. When I left my husband and moved out on my own we’d already been together 30 years. I can’t live with someone that long and them not become family. I also can not un-family someone. Any romantic/sexual love I ever felt for him had long since died, but he seemed sort of like an obnoxious older brother. Plus we share 4 children and now 8 grandchildren, so cutting him out of my life was not practical.

      Reading your comments, I feel in many ways you’re like me 15 years ago. I found my way and you can find yours. You do need a way to separate yourself and your finances from him though. For me that required divorce and my own home far enough away to discourage him dropping in too often. It still took a few years to work the kinks out of the new me and to develop confidence in my new life. But I have done it, you can too. 🦋

      1. Narc affair says:

        Hi windstorm2…sorry this is delayed. Ty so much for your reply and reaching out. I do feel very much how you described your situation except we dont live together or have children. Our relationship is an affair. I feel ashamed to say that but its the truth. I wish i hadnt gotten involved but i can see the bigger picture and this was meant as a learning curve as is everything that enters our life journey. The bond has been very strong. There are aspects of the narc that as i see more of i really dont like but ive also seen a deeper part of him and its very hard to just walk away. Narcissists are able to but people that care and are genuine we dont work that way.
        It hurts bc i feel so much as changed and i need to let go and redefine the relationship. I do enjoy his friendship flaws and all and would hate to lose that. Its very confusing most of all figuring out myself. Im just as dysfunctional going along with it the way it is. Codependancy is at the core. I need to fix this part of myself to be free. The bonds are very strong but that doesnt mean its purely a love bond no its a lot of dysfunctional components to the bond as well.

    2. candleglow2 says:

      Hi Narc affair I know you wrote this last year and im sorry but I am in the same place as you were when you typed this ..I have just been hoovered back this very afternoon after feeling so strong ..im so annoyed with myself ..I keep thinking I am over him and really want him to end it and then he triangulates me and I feel angry so I tell him Im not doing this anymore ..and he hoovers me back and I fall for it .. I hope your in a good place now .. maybe you have some advice you can give me or maybe it just takes time to reach a stage of being able to go no contact and no feelings … Thankyou your post has helped me know that its not just me in this respect ……

  10. Diana says:

    HG
    Do narcissists try to hoover significant past relationships like ex wives/fiancés more so than say just former girlfriends? I know narcissists aren’t sentimental but I am guessing that fuel levels must have been good if there was so much binding/ commitment involved. Is there more of a chance of ex wives/fiancés entering into the 6th sphere?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Diana, valid points. Yes, there is a greater chance of an ex-wife/fiancée entering the sixth sphere owing to there being more events which may act as a Hoover Trigger. That is not to say that an ex-gf etc will not cause much in the way of HTs, they will, but generally speaking, the ex-wife would be more likely to have a greater number of hoover triggers.

      Keep in mind however that the binding of somebody may not just be about the fuel. There will be little doubt that their fuel was excellent (as an ex gfs will have been too) however it is likely that the character traits, residual benefits etc tipped the balance in respect of marriage being secured.

  11. Kim Michaud says:

    How does a narc go from painting u black to painting u white again what causes the switch to flip back and let u be seen as good agsin

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the article Switch.

  12. I think the bond goes both ways. One is the positive such as the empath and the negative in the narcissist. Two conductors of energy within each person. So when one is without the other, each one feels it own pain. The narcissist needs to feed on the emotional energy from others, while the empath heals (his/hers) from within. It is very hard to grasp this concept, but I realize (when you say, our kind) you really have to think of them as nonhuman beings. Everything is external to a narc, not internal.

  13. Annabelle says:

    Hi, I’d like to ask a question. When an empathic person goes ‘no – contact” from the narcissist, does he usually know that it’s because he’s a narc.? I wasn’t a primary source but most likely a (secondary) source of negative fuel. The narc in question is a sibling who’s installed himself very comfortably in my Mom’s house while running roughshod over her rights while having seemingly no intention of working and saving all his money. Yet for trying to speak up for my Mom, I”M the troublemaker (also he’s tried to put a rift between us and my sister and me too.) He’s quite nice in some ways to my Mom, but will not do anything for anybody he doesn’t think is special. He also hadn’t visited for ten years. I think he ‘ll stick around until he gets kicked out or Mom dies- just wants his inheritance most likely. Sadly for me my very limited contact w/ him means seeing less of my Mom. But its thanks your articles that my sister is also starting to wise up – she’s polite but tells him nothing. P.S. Thought it was funny when you mentioned Weebles. Are they British?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Annabelle,

      If the narcissist is a Lesser or Mid Range he does not know that the imposition of no contact is because he is a narcissist (even if the escaping victim says as such (see the articles No! You Are the Narcissist Parts One to Three). The Greater knows why you have done it and what he is, he or she regards it as a challenge and treacherous behaviour of you nevertheless.

      Yes you will be the troublemaker because from the narcissist’s perspective you are. (see Toxic Logic). A key element of understanding our kind is to realise we operate from a different perspective so that what is your wrong, is our right. Confusing at first but once you grasp it, it becomes liberating.

      I do not know if Weebles are British in origin.

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        Is knowing what type of N we escaped from helpful? I am not sure based on some of your clues which he is. I am and wish to stay NC. Litigation is imminent to protect this. IF knowning is helpful could that be put in an organized forum one to one with you to sort out?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Absolutely. Whilst there are many similarities in the way we are there are also many important differences and knowing which type of narcissist you were involved with proves invaluable in knowing the best way to proceed. Many people consult with me primarily to understand which school and cadre of narcissist they are/were involved with and then to apply that knowledge to a particular situation moving forward so I can explain to them what to expect.

    2. Liu says:

      Ok, thats the way it is….the only question is, what is the whole point??? Why bind someone in the first place via love bombing, when you already know, that you will later hurt and discard the person + they become a crazy annoyance? Why waste all your energy on idealizing a new victim, only to discard them? Is it all about control and supply….but still, why? I just don’t get it. I guess thats a good thing. It just seems like such a waste of time actually (and waste of energy overall). I couldn’t idealize, ensnare and lovebomb anyone, even if I wanted to, if I already knew I would discard them later. And then they are bound to me via trauma bond and potentially stalk me, even worse! Toxic logic indeed, unless you truly do ‘love’ your new targets at first and then some fear of intimacy makes you deactivate the bond? How can it feel good to destroy someone else whom you have been so close to and who cares about you. Self hate must be the answer.

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