A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 14

 

A LETTER TO THENARCISSIST -JO'S LETTER

M,

It is etched in my mind and I used to visit it often. April 2, I laid eyes on you for the first time as I watched as you walk from your front door to your car. I swooned and said aloud, “I’m in big trouble”. The truth in that statement haunts me to this day. I never looked away from you from that moment on. You were the man I had chosen. In all your brokenness, your fears and your messy past, I loved you relentlessly. It’s as if I brushed the dirt off of you and underneath was this brilliant man whom I fell in love with almost immediately.

 

Our relationship was not easy.  I believed you were working through your past hurts, but it was only your true self peeking through the mask. You spewed your pain and frustration on me when I came to you in kindness voicing concerns. I now know that your pushing me away and needing space were not birthed from old habits from your marriage. This was your true colors shining through. This was you punishing me for my wrongs in questioning you.

 

You voiced regret from your past transgressions in your marriage and I poured my healing balm on your wounds. I believed you as you said “I don’t want to be that man ever again.” I believed you were like me. I had been unfaithful to my husband. Surely your mistakes, as mine, were birthed from an unhappy marriage and having an unhealthy partner.You feigned deep vulnerability, even to tears, mirroring mine. It was all an act, portrayed with such accuracy, I swear you deserve an Oscar. You stated how broken you were and how you were thankful for me.  You said I was helping you grow into a confident man. A man of integrity and honor. A man walking in honesty and truth. I man hell-bent on transforming out of his past and into newness. I believed in redemption and a second chance. I wanted it. You convinced me you did as well.

Finding out that you were still that man was disillusioning at first. I had been deceived by your smooth apologies and partial truths. But what you were proclaiming as truth didn’t silence my gut screaming inside me that there was more. When I found out about her I squirmed and turned my head. I could not face that What I had felt all along was true. I just wasn’t enough for you.

I’ve come to find out no one is. Emily, whom you had a 2 year affair with while married and proclaimed your forever and undying love for, she wasn’t enough. You strung her along for a few months after your divorce and then discarded her citing the same line you fed me, “I need to be alone and find myself.” But you had found Lauren, whom after six months caught onto you after you starting making comments about her weight and looks. She discarded you, but you just wouldn’t have it. You kept a “friendship” alive with her even into our relationship. You were proclaiming to me you hadn’t seen her in months and that she had dumped you because she didn’t want your kids. I pitied you while you met her for runs and a stroll around the art fair.
Oh and let’s not forget Karin. The affair you stayed connected with on Instagram and after I outed you for this as my strike three because of your other social media boundaries issues, you took down your accounts. You said she was the one that “used” you for sex. Yeah. I’ve spoken to her too! Come to find out our children now attend the same school. What a coincidence. Funny how different her story is than the one you told. You pursued her, you initiated the affair and even after you got exposed with your third affair with other woman, you sought her for advice and pity on how to save your marriage.

All these woman chanted the same things “Liar” , “Narcissist”, “mentally ill”, “his poor children” and “thank God you’re out of the relationship”.

No woman is enough. You fell in love with all of us within weeks. You stated each of us was “the one”. Each of us were cheated on, replaceable and not enough. No woman will ever be enough until you’ve had enough of how you behave.
Thank you for helping me realize that I had been playing with cheap Monopoly money. I won’t settle for counterfeit again.
Jo

29 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 14

  1. analise13 says:

    I can relate to your feelings in your letter Jo.

    Once we realize it was not us.
    That our replacements will suffer the same cyclical fate.
    That the narcissist will never be happy or find the One.
    That they are compelled to behave in this manner, instinctually.

    It is then easier to move forward without unanswered questions and self blame.

  2. ajo says:

    Many thanks. I wrote him many emails and letters shortly after the break-up. They contained so much of my hurt and anger. I’m not filled with those things anymore. Though at times I will get a “wave” of hurt, it’s more just disappointment that I allowed him to manipulate me with pity for so long. Yes, it is abuse, and near the end I even told him I was feeling manipulated and emotionally abused, even though he never put me down and always apologized for everything. I believed we were going to be a picture of redemption and a second chance. Both divorced parents with 3 children. Both cheated on our spouses. Letting go of the dream was tough. I wanted to save him. He was content to drown.
    I’m in a much better place and thankful for the lesson. I find myself attracted to kind, non narc men now which feels wonderful. I know I deserve the real deal! It takes time and we are all on the journey! My relationship with him was not a waste, though at times it feels at such. It made me stop in my tracks and dig for the deeper wounds, which were there from my childhood and narc mother. Without him, I wouldn’t have gone after healing those wounds. So I can actually be thankful, not bitter. Redemption at it’s finest!!

  3. K says:

    Jo
    One of the most difficult things to accept is that we truly are cheap and replaceable. The memories, once so wonderful, quickly go to hell once the golden period is over. It is all a fraud, trussed up in lies and betrayal, and you are absolutely correct; these underworld thespians all deserve Oscars for their malevolent roles in the destruction of all those innocent lives. Like you, I won’t settle for counterfeit ever again, either. Excellent letter! Thank you.

  4. RJ says:

    Their lives are fake. One day they will face aging. It is their demise. Nice façade they put on though isn’t it for a while.. Problem is it’s usually to late for some people as things can happen over time. I used to think if only I had the most money or was better looking or hotter than the rest things would have worked out. Didn’t and would not have worked anyways. Hasn’t worked for anyone else they’ve been with either. The common denominator in these cases is……………

  5. Windstorm2 says:

    .

  6. Adele says:

    Wrote pretty much the very same letter myself

  7. Bryce says:

    If it wasn’t for two letters I found after the disengagement I would not have known that she had cheated in every relationship. That was one step in my recovery.

  8. Mona says:

    I ask myself, how many letters like this one and other kind of letters did this man get before? Many of us write our narcissists letters and the narcs only collect them and put them in a shoe box as a trophy. I wish I had never written my narc a letter. One day or the other he will use the letter for swagger. He will show his special friends what a grandiose man he is and how he fooled so many women. He will show it only to other narcs and machos. And they will adore him for that behaviour. Each word to them is a waste of time. We should write such a letter but never give it to the narc. Better we put it in our own shoe box or present it here to get some kind of closure.

    1. M. says:

      You are so right,Mona. The best letters to the Narc are the ones you never sent him.

    2. Cathrine says:

      I agree. We should write them a letter, but for our own eyes only. I wrote mine a horribly long letter, putting every thought I ever had about him and us into it. I meant to send it, but then the rewriting and editing took so long I just never did. I’m glad for that. He didn’t deserve any letter or anything else from me.

      Great letter Jo!

  9. M. says:

    Partial truths keep us there. That is the trap. I really,trully, honestly could not understand how they can divide themselves in so many pieces and how their passion can seem so real to every single one of their victims. Then I remembered the actors. The best of them dive into each role and become it. This is what they do for a living. This is what we love about them and this is what we reward them for. A narcissist plays an Oscar level role every day, he just never gets the statuette.
    Very well written letter, Jo, thank you for sharing.

    1. ajo says:

      Yes!! Great comment!! I think they love playing the roles too. It’s fun for them to become someone else and watch their audience applaud them.

  10. narc affair says:

    No one will ever be enough bc this guy is not enough to himself. He needs constant ego build up from these different women. When hes bored of a womans fuel its bc its no longer convincing and he needs a new source that sees his “worth” bc he doesnt believe or see it. Youre right it has nothing to do with you its entirely him. His love was a game and wasnt love at all. So glad youre out and can see it for what it is!

    1. ajo says:

      You nailed it. That’s exactly who he is. He is on the road to destruction and at some point it’s all going to fall apart in a big way (again). I’m glad I won’t be close to the explosion or I’d get taken down with him.

  11. Bobby says:

    Wow….Do I know that…change to female….we’ve escaped

  12. Diva says:

    Hi Jo…..I realise that this letter does not have the horrendous violence associated with it, as was the case in some of the previous letters, but the behaviour is no less warped. I know others may disagree, but I find mental cruelty just as difficult as physical cruelty and maybe actually worse. The reason I state this, is because if someone laid a finger on me that would be it…..show over……I would get out or move on, in an instant. In this instance the narc would have shown their true colours in vivid detail and in my mind that is easier to deal with and for me that would have been a very short lived relationship. However in your case, and my own, these other narc charlatans are no less dangerous or hurtful, they just go about it in a different fashion and can string you along for years……it would appear that you finally escaped….me too…..Diva

    1. windstorm says:

      Diva
      I totally agree. My exhusband used to tell me that there was no such thing as “emotional abuse,” but that’s just because it was his favorite type. I, too, can’t imagine staying with physical abuse – maybe that’s just how I was raised. But I’ve lived with emotional and psychological abuse all my life. It’s not nearly as obvious and doesn’t have the social and legal stigma/recourses of physical abuse, but it can destroy both your mental and physical health.

      1. Diva says:

        Windstorm2…..you and I are usually on the same page on most issues raised here and seem to understand each other. We have no doubt had similar narc experiences and have somehow managed to become strong enough to deal with what life has thrown at us. I still have my own issues but I manage to get around them, or over them, or under them somehow……in my own way….on my own terms…….Diva

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          That last sentence summed it up for me ” in my own Way…. on my own terms.” I think that’s the key to success in life.

      2. K says:

        WS2 and Diva
        I agree with you both. I found it easier to deal with physical abuse than emotional and psychological abuse. Their are bruises or broken bones as proof, while psychological abuse leaves no visible marks. Whenever I was physically abused, I called the police, got a restraining order and went no contact. Not the case with my MMRN. He got me good, without ever laying a hand on me.

        1. Diva says:

          Hi K…….this has always been my view without having actually endured physical violence of any real significance from the narcs I have had a relationship with……although it was threatened and once attempted. I was once grabbed around the throat after stating that I was going to go to a solicitor……I am not proud of my verbal response…..but he never laid another violent hand on me……Diva

  13. Laurie E says:

    So many poignant statements; the one which jumped out at me, “I believed you were like me.” As empaths, this is our first and greatest mistake. This tragic mistake begins and continues the cycle of abuse. Once we awake from the dream to understand the narcissist is never going to be like us we will begin our path of excommunication and healing.

  14. Adele says:

    Never again they are full of 💩 Mine a lier, and other crap, I hope he gets it back 10 fold, these past few months he’s put me through have hell, hope Karma gets him back

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No such thing as karma.

      1. Diva says:

        I have to believe in karma………karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming…..I think I am joking but then it does make perfect sense!!!!…..Diva

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Diva
          Whether karma exists or not, we can never know. But I imagine very few, if any, greater narcissists believe in it. Since they know the reality of what they do and the havoc they create, not believing in karma makes much more sense.

  15. Amy says:

    That sounds like someone who found a lot of themselves in each person maybe, or respected their character and talents. Not replaceable at all actually, pretty darn loyal.

  16. Tatiana says:

    Hits home to me

  17. Lisa says:

    Great letter. Loved it.

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