Poll – What Would You Do Post Disengagement?
You have been disengaged from by the narcissist.
You do not know why. You are hurt, angry and bewildered. You learn that barely a day after you have been cruelly disengaged from, the narcissist is with somebody else already. What on earth is going on?
Faced with this situation, what would you do or perhaps more accurately what would you have done before acquiring understanding and insight through me?
Would you have angrily confronted them both, telling him what a scumbag he is and what a whore she is to be with him so soon? Would you be concerned that someone else has been ensnared and you want to warn this person or perhaps you think an indirect warning through family or friends would be more judicious? Maybe you want to derail this fledging relationship or even you will try to win back the narcissist?
Be honest. What would you have done when placed in this position?
You can choose more than one response prior to casting your vote.
Please expand on your viewpoint in the comments section.
Thank you for participating.
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I physically left. NC. Surely in his mind tho he discarded. I used the word intentionally that HG does not, in favor of disengaged bc it sounds “better.” Even more potent. I left. Out. Done. Finito. My only knowledge is based on what I have read and worked out. That he would think, believe and distort MY leaving being HIS discard.
I dont fight usually. If I’m not the one then c’est la vie.
The last one however I wasn’t as passive.
He had the new one move in with us. I understood the parameters under which she moved in.
He had been slightly emotionally distant before she arrived and then full fledged nothing after she moved in.
He was kind /foolish enough to let me back in unsupervised to retrieve my things.
I still wish I’d taken the money…however I retaliated by trashing some tickets I found on the counter into the paper recycling, putting straight hydrogen peroxide in with his teeth instead of water, made certain their recycle bins disappeared, and the new girl’s prized squash plant had no flowers on it.
I wish I was capable of much worse.
I fantasized about how I could blow up the house with a remote controlled bomb from a cellular device when I was miles from it.
Obviously I wasn’t very serious about it because I didn’t do the research.
It just shows how furious I was. I thought somehow he was the one and I just had the worst time facing the fact that I wasn’t good enough for him…now I know no one will ever be “good enough”. Somehow that causes me to feel sad while slightly vindicated.
Not very mature but I realize it is what it is.
The only changes I can make are within me. He is no longer my concern.
I had this very thing happen to me, where the narcissist deserted me for a bimbo. My great intellect was of course greatly insulted and so I wrote another book, began studying a new language, and got a more successful job.
I felt the need to one-up his talentless, unclever ass in every way possible. And BTW, I never would have fallen for him had he not been a pathological liar/manipulator mirroring me.
I try to avoid online searching, however, because it only makes me depressed.
I wouldn’t do any of the above choices. I would, however, make sure to tell off my ex by himself. I know it wouldn’t do anything except further fuel him.. but it would still feel good to tell him exactly what I think.
I would ignore, disconnect, and disappear.
When I saw that the love of my life had dumped me for a trashy trollop, I told everyone she had become pregnant on purpose by enforcing her feminine wiles upon my manThis was why we couldn’t be together it was all HER fault. If only I hadn’t been studying at the time he wouldn’t have felt the need to go off with her It’s all so much clearer now as I write this he couldn’t have my studies being more important than HIM. I felt so wronged I thought we were soul mates and whatever stupid fairytale was in my head. I was willingly hoovered again and again. Many years later he triangulated her with me, by telling her he had been in touch with me all these years without her knowing, and that he would always have me no matter what. He must have had a huge dose of fuel for doing that to her. I wish now she hadn’t been upset in that way,
I certainly wouldn’t run after him. I would do more therapy sessions, exercise like a madwoman and if he attempted to come back three weeks or a month later I would casually tell him I sensed the relationship wasn’t working anyway so it was a good choice on his part to move on. I already had done so myself.
Before I understood all of this, I warned the new primary source’s husband through Facebook that my ex was abusive and had a PD. He may or may not have warned her family. I told him that someone should know, just in case. He did not respond to me, as I doubt he understood what I was telling him. With the other woman who confronted me through Facebook and asked if I was his ex wife… I told her that I was his current wife and that I found out he had affairs with 6 women during my marriage and asked her if she was another one?! The woman I caught in my bed found out he had a PD when I called the police and told them over the phone he had a PD and a gun and I needed them to come, because I didn’t know what would happen. She may or may not have believed me. Once again, this is what I did before I understood all of this. The current primary source will learn all on her own. She cheated on her husband with mine and deserves whatever comes to her in my book. She can chase away women, I am done with that nonsense!
Great question and one i can only speculate bc ive not been disengaged by my narc of present but my past narc i was.
With the past narc he just vanished one day and this hurt me tremendously. I found out he was engaged and at the time i was very upset but not altogether surprised. My exnarc id say was a midranger victim narc bc hed complain about who did what to him and sponged off his wealthy parents. He wanted to live here and needed a visa which his fiancee could give him. It only lasted 2 yrs and disintegrated at which point he popped back into my life. I could see him for the user he was and still conversed with him but never wanted back into the relationship. Its been a few yrs and ive not replied to his emails bc j have no interest in him in any capacity. Its from an indifferent standpoint. Back when he vanished i was hurt but didnt do anything upon finding out about his engagement. That told me all i needed to know.
My present narc is an entirely different situation. Im more invested in the relationship and if he disengaged it would break my heart. I hate even thinking about it but thats the price you pay and the risk once youre ensnared by a narcissist. They can really hurt you and not think twice. I hope my narc isnt as cold but i have no way of knowing. I do know hed only break me once and then hed be dead to me. Id never open the door to him again. At the point id go full fledged no contact where hed never see or hear from me again. Thered be no room in my life for him. As far as his other new supply source id let them be happy and ignore. Id not want any involvement. Id want to heal and move on. I guess im not very good supply afterall.
I wanted to add that theres different forms of disengagement and shelving is one of them. At the time i had no idea why my narc seemed to change towards me then back again but thru the info gained here i know why…the fuel matrix and needing new more potent fuel. Shelving can be very painful as well and is gaslighting too bc they tell you nothings different when it clearly is then they throw you golden crumbs to keep you in the fold. My narc can sense when im getting fed up and he puts in some maintenance and mini golden periods me. I can see it for the cycle it is. Education is key and im so thankful for HG’s books, blogs and vids along with the commenters here. This place has changed my life looking back before i started here. I knew a bit about narcissism but your education on narcissism HG has added the pieces and put the picture together for me.
Having knowledge gives you strength but it will still hurt when the narc disengages. It hurts bc we feel emotion and its meant to hurt bc it meant something to us.
I had the urge to warn everybody(and kill some) but I did my best to ignore them and focus on myself. Which was not easy when the hoovers started, but in those instances I totally focused on HG and his writings, so the hoovers did not mean much and I never went back.
I knew who I thought was the new victim and warned her one month after I found out he was with her. He had said she was his busineas partner. By the time I tried to warn her she said he had left her so I am focusing on myself.
My MR ex hid his new supply from me (and Facebook) and denied being with anyone else. He said “there has not been and there is not anyone else but you for these last two years.” Ughhh makes me gag how fake he is.
Sounds exactly like my ex MR, Marisa…he would say, “oh you are the only one, my gf and I are having a break, we never see each other”. haha right.. he “had a break” while she still lives with him PLUS he went on an overseas trip with her this year PLUS he has another “gf” on another fb profile PLUS he has another DLS .. all going on while “i was the only one” … grrrrr….😨😠
The last time, I thought I had escaped for good. I was REALLY, REALLY hoping he would find a replacement. I got hoovered in by his appealing to my pity, and morals, “I am so sick, no one would want me, you took a vow, in sickness and in health, blah, blah” After he died, I found out about there were SO MANY OTHERS.And about a lot of shit, like where all our money went. I feel some sympathy for these other women, but I never bothered any of them. Instead I turned his basefuck page into a public service announcement for Narcissism and domestic abuse! Many of the shares are, of course, from this site.
I would just leave it as it is and live my life to my best I can. Telling his new victim what he likes – that’s controlling . I wont try to control situation or save his new victim from a heart break as she wont believe me anyway, whats the point of wasting my time? She will learn in due course. And if things wont work anyway then he will find a new victim, and new, and new…One thing I can do would be to tell her to look up for HG’s site and forget about him and his new supplier as its all pointless. E.
I would ignore him and go NO CONTACT !!!
Evidently, he really never loved me or he wouldn’t have Abused me and discarded me. Then replaced me !!!
I don’t want to be deceived. Never. I am a very valuable person. I can’t suffer this injustice. I can’t believe there are people so different from me. Now I don’t cry anymore, but I’m sad. He was the man I love.
Sorry my english. I’m italian girl. bye
Today I would ignore them and walk away. This was not always the case I was once contacted by a friend of the new supply and I did give warning about the abuse. The spousal abuse was documented with the county in which there were a number of spousal abuse cases against him. I shared this information both publicly and with the friend of the new supply.
With the lesser narcissist I just wanted out. End of story.
The midrange narcissist I confronted him via text messages since he wouldn’t answer his phone. I wished him well. I told him I loved him. That I still wanted him. That I was proud of him for finding the right person. And if things changed to look me up. Then I stalked their social media page looking for answers. A month later I had a few drinks and I sent a text saying I didn’t care I would share. Lol. 8 months ago I finally blocked both of them.
I got discarded 2 months ago with a “I want you in my life in some form, right now I need some time apart”. I started learning about Cluster B, to understand what would make a narc abuse victim behave this way. Imagine my surprise when I found myself reading, not about what others had done to her, but what SHE had done to ME.
A week after the discard, I erased every trace of her from my life, unfriended her on social media (and her content isn’t public, so thankfully I cannot be tempted to peek). I even cleared my internet caches and phone history so I have no idea what her email address and phone number are.
No contact, monster.
My revenge will come in many years, when she is forced to watch her daughters marry narc abusers like her ex husband, and realizes she doomed them to repeat her miserable existence.
I ignored them and distanced myself.
Even with the information I know now.
I have confronted both of them when i became the mistress. I wanted to stop this sick relationship i had with him once for all and i was also very angry at him. So i just told her she was still dating me. And when he denied i could prove it. She slapped him in front of me. I had a rush of happiness i won’t deny it. Then he grabbed my arm and kicked me out of HER place while wispering me “i will see you later at this bar bla bla” and cut it out and replied with a smile on my face “it is over”. He got it. Never came back. Almost killed his new girlfriend and went to jail. Then i do not know what happened. Well i guess i just wanted to share my story 🙂
I was in this position and before I met Tudor I would…. Monitor the relationship, then derailed the relationship, lastly “won” the Narc back. I was using emotional thinking back then….. I did this over and over for over 13 years….. lots of drama and chaos, see saw, roller coaster…
Last time I left I said nothing to anyone who knew him as to why expect my close friends I could trust. He hoovered I was uneducated and went back. THis time I’m still not saying anything and just making my own path and plans. He has a side piece and I’m not saying a word because it would do nothing but give him satisfaction that I even look in his direction to see what he’s doing. I did though confront him hard and told him I knew how disgusting and sick he is ( mine is a greater) but since then I’ve dropped it and am healing and focusing as much as I can on myself and my kids. I’m not playing his game however I’m not hiding either. Simple terms he’s a child and pathetic. I wouldn’t give a disrespectful kid my attention so why should I give him any attention. Thanks to HG I’ve been able to bounce back and just move along.
Diva, I admire your strength!
For me… years ago, when I was disengaged, I didn’t even know it. I thought he was just ignoring me and being mean. I didn’t know there was someone else…. But had I known… I would’ve wanted to warn her. Probably would’ve wanted to remain with him. And maybe watch them from a distance. Now, being educated…. walk away… far away…
HG, why is it that they treat us like absolute garbage during the formal relationship, then post escape, they’re angry and accusatory? We’re the ones who were abused in every which way. Yet, it’s in our best interest to keep quiet….
Thank you,
Peaceful.
I went NC without knowing anything about Narcs. I did however, isolate myself from everyone.
Before getting an education any attempt to warn the new victim would just come across as sour grapes.
I would only have generic things to say, like ‘anger issues’. It would be pointless.
I was lucky enough to get a jump on him before it happened so I had small window of time to fix my mind in the right direction. I wasn’t happy obviously, but I disengaged right back.
I would have confronted him as a means to get closure. Perhaps written a goodbye letter expressing my hurt but also my willingness to let go and move on. I feel pain strongly but l don’t dwell on it long. This way l would have gotten all the pain out. I would even have found a way to turn it (delusionally) into something positive. Perhaps even expressed my gratitude for the good things l learned in the relationship and wished him well. I have to end things on a happy note and look at the overall good in order to move on completely, I have always been this way. This is very useful for not remaining “damaged” but it also puts me in a vulnerable position for being hoovered.
Drive by his house, get her license plate number, call the non emergancy police to say the car was parked outside of my business for 3 days and i need to know who own car before i decide to tow it. Once i find out who she is, i look her up on social media to see who she is and if she has any photos of the two of them during the time i was with the narc. Thats the extent how crazy i would get. I would then go lose 10 lbs and get my hair done.
Anm- Oh how alike we are..
I usually tried to speak to him sent texts pointing out how illogical it all was then I did nothing and waited and hoped for the hoover . During that time I would read your blog and ask you questions , it was my help line . I was an emotional wreck during the worst of it . Thank god im no longer in that place and thanks to your information I don’t believe it could happen to me again
I walked away from him, I warned her, and then I harassed them both to remind them what losers they were.
I told him he was a womanizing narcissist who uses women, and I told her she was a sugar mama, who he was using for money.
Two years later, they are both still seeing one another long distance, while dating a younger girl who is his IPPS.
The lesser somatic continuously surfs dating sites, Facebook, and religiously stops at the neighborhood bars to get drunk, and lap up fuel like the fiend he is.
I sat around in bewilderment and dispair.
Thankfully that is no longer my reality, nor is he.
FYI, I healed well and long prior to finding your blog. Though I do find it a decent teaching tool for others.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I said monitor from afar but I can’t answer because I’ve been discarded twice and both times have no knowledge that a new primary source is in place after the first discard he changed his relationship status from married to me to in an open relationship it stayed the same when we got back together and when I was discarded again the only woman’s pictures in his page are two pics of us in the featured photos no pics of any women in his fake account so if he has a new primary source I have no knowledge of it and therefore can’t say how I would act
I can tell you what I did…. I cried uncontrollably for at least a night. I didn’t sleep at all. I went into a depression and didn’t leave my house hardly for months other than to work. I went to therapy on a very regular basis and even had one for daily for four months to check in with. I read everything I could on narcissistic personality disorder and codependency. I learned of you. I consulted with you once I becme a tad stronger. I wrote on the subject at length. I kept a journal of my feelings. I detached from friends and social things afraid I would see him and needed to heal. I did not call crying, I was to stunned. I did not stalk, I did not call his family, work, or friends. After months I did send a letter. He did call. I did speak without anger, hurt, or tears. I was kind as he cried and yet I did not want him back. I mourned for an entire year. I prayed. He knew what he was already so no need to bash him. He already knew all I was learning well before I understood it more. I got my life back together. It was not easy but I knew it was over. The boyfriend/best friend was gone forever as I once knew it. I made my brain accept it. It sucked
I confronted his boyfriend in January of 2017 about their relationship. His boyfriend told me it (the break up) was all my fault because I abused my ex MMRN and I needed to get over it. On June 23, 2017 I warned his boyfriend and family that my ex is a narcissist. His boyfriend has no friends because my ex has isolated him. After June 23, I started to let go and ignore them both.
K,
I’m having a blonde moment…
Wait so a guy you weren’t with was banging a dude behind your back… ?
Were with
I wonder how common this is for some narcissist to be closeted gay. I found gay porn stored in the computers history and a man called my house upset because my husband at the time did not show up for their hookup, and there is more. We were married 22 years. He discarded me. Divorced almost 6 years now. I received the phone call from the man near the end of the marriage. Did not put it all together until the end.
Would like to warn her but it isn’t my business and she may not see it for a long time or believe it like I didn’t. My heart goes out to her, but just hope she picks up on it quicker than I did. He knows what he does and doesn’t care….
“I never thought I was good enough for me”…now that was a Freudian slip for sure!
If I ever was disengaged with, I was not aware of it. I have often been hurt badly by my narcs and my response is always to pull away from them, distance myself and focus on healing my own pain.
If they did as in your scenario, I would realize that I had completely misunderstood them. I definitely would not try to contact them or the new woman. They would be dead to me and I would be very introspective trying to figure out my mistakes so as not to ever make them again with anyone else. No one who would hurt and humiliate me like that could ever have a second chance. Hoovers would be ineffective. No way I could ever trust them again. It would just be too dangerous.
The only one of your options I would ever do was the last one – ignore them and focus on myself.
Try to win him back. I was the epitome of a fuel gusher and had no idea. I spent an entire year before finding HG asking these questions aloud and in my head:
Why won’t he speak to me?
I can’t believe he ignored me on Christmas day.
My 50th birthday and he didn’t even call or text?!
What have I done?
I must not be good enough sexually.
Am I fat?
If I just lose those last 10 lbs he would want me.
I’m not pretty enough.
Is my vagina loose from having a baby 20 years ago?
I’m too needy.
The new woman is so much better than me.
She’s probably funnier.
He said he loved me.
He said he always loved me.
He said we were meant to be together.
Valentine’s Day used to be such a special day for us, now nothing.
I ignored him on his birthday and he didn’t even notice.
I wonder if he looks into her eyes the way he looked into mine.
It’s my wrinkles.
Do I wear too much make-up?
I’m not intelligent enough for him.
He wants someone younger.
I wasn’t patient enough.
My knees are drooping and he thinks it’s disgusting.
These and hundreds more questions haunted me day and night. His death would’ve been far less painful.
This is a man who is 18 years older than me. He has had two open heart surgeries. He has scars all over his body. He is covered in wrinkles. I never thought I was good enough for me because he taught me that I wasn’t. I believed him. Finding HG literally changed my life and that is not an exaggeration. I finally learned that no one is good enough and that there was nothing I could’ve done “right”.
Been there, still there and doing the questions dance.
This is exactly my life.
12345, I understand you very well. That damn “I am not good enough” pattern we learned very early in life and keep repeating as adults. Mine is very strong too. I still have not been able to get rid of it. I have made progress too but I still have work to do there. Hopefully I will die feeling good enough .
Anyway, just wanted to tell you I liked your comment a lot.
Wow.. yes indeed… you just jumped inside my head and listened to all my self talk.. It actually makes me nauseous to think about it..
I very much enjoyed your honest and raw response, 12345! So many of us women have asked ourselves many of those same questions… and I just wanted to say it was nice to see someone being so honest with their feelings. I thought I was the only one who did that in my life. High five to you, sweetie !
12345
I hope your list has now changed to:
I wont allow someone that abusive to speak to me
His absence is my present on Christmas day
My birthdays are for celebrating with people who I love and love me and I have no need for acknowledgment from someone who is unable to
I deserve more sexually
My vagina has both given pleasure and given life. More than I can say for his sad propped up appendage
I am not needy because someone else is unable to fulfill the most basic of my needs
The new woman is victim as I was and will ask these questions also.
He is incapable of love so has to lie about it
When he looks into her eyes it is to suck from her soul and not to convey love
He has more wrinkles than I do.
I am too intelligent for him and no longer have to dumb myself down to allow him to feel superior
Who cares what he wants-that list is endless
He should have been on his knees in gratitude that I ever took pity on him
And finally:
He is guaranteed another open heart surgery because they will have found nothing there the first two times and I could not care less his pain and suffering in attempting yet again to prove he has one.
NA
This is FANTASTIC!!!! Thank you, NarcAngel❤️ I have never once thought of making all those negatives positives.
NarcAngel
Good list! 👍 I made a copy to keep n my phone.
NA—i piggy backed and made a list too. inspired. not copying. i love your writing.
12345
His dick is the prob. Not your vag.
Your makeup is lovely. All in the world could not cover his ugliness.
His eyes? What eyes. Those are slits.
You were too patient. His needs were incessant.
He never looked at your knees. They served no purpose for him. Unless you were on them.
He picked precious days to diss you. But really he always dissed you. Special ones hurt more bc they seemed like it was on purpose. It was. So were the other 363 besides xmas, bd & <3's
Two surgeries and they still can't find a heart in there? Back to <3 day. It's for narcs who pretend to have one. I think I read the heart we draw was designed to look like boobs. They invented it.
You are way too:
smart
pretty
young
..and a million more things. for him. thank you for writing this. it helps us too.
My list for you is longer than would ever fit on here. You're not good enough. No. Good enough is marginal. Average. Base line. You are so much better than "good enough" you are stellar and he will never be good. or enough.
Thank you, Tappan Zee! I’m loving these different perspectives 😘
Prior to knowing about narcissism through ur blog HG, i would have been super pissed off, screamed at the narcissist, how dare he do this to me without any warning. Of course now I know better than that, because i have learnt that this would give him negative fuel which he loves. Also, if i hadnt read ur blogs first, i would have tried to warn the new victim or warn her through her contacts, because I wouldn’t want to see anyone else go through this mindf$$kery and degrading misery. Now I knw to keep my distance and let them have each other.. because thinking about them would eat away at me, and still does (similar circumstances with the narc has happened to me in real life).
She had no idea I exsisted and when she found out there was certainly a show 🙂
But, we all get hovered back in at some point only to be dismissed again
Yes, i was hoovered but i made the healthy decision to not go back in. Boy, am i glad. He never got another chance to revictimize me. I took the power and control right out of his hands. It was very difficult and so very painful, but i knew i could never do that again.
Even if we warned the new victim about the narc, it wouldn’t make sense, cuz by post disengagement, the narc already established his smear campaign against me or/and his old victim(s).
So, I would ignore the narc and focus on myself.
I had to put “ignore” but more correctly I “put on a show”. When I got disengaged from I replied as neutrally as I could to make it look like it didn’t affect me too much (I had learned to value my pride). I then proceeded to post happy things on social media, going out with friends and posting photos of what a fun time I was having (even if I was miserable and crying, I never let it show to anyone who knew him.) I hadn’t blocked him and I knew some people who saw me still spoke to him. So I wasn’t ignoring him so much as making sure he thought I was.
I basically made a huge show of having a wonderful time, and I even hooked up with someone… I dumped him after 2 months, but I later discovered that at the time this guy unwittingly contributed to my “story” by boasting to someone, who was friends with the narc, about how amazing I was in bed. Of course, hoovers ensued, but I wonder now if the steps I took were seen as criticisms for my narc, or not.
Anyway, it worked for me.
Mine disingaged and went back to his ex wife several years ago. He said he didn’t want to but had to on many levels. I was totally devastated for a very long time. I kept in contact with his sister in law on an ongoing basis. She was the (I forget what you call them)
Didntvgetvovervit. He came back 2 years later after I received a gut wrenching letter. Now 4 years later. I’m done because I’ve been educated
I did confront them both in the beginning and did try to derail their nonsense but eventually let it go. It was hard to let go of a 25 year marriage, but thanks to you HG, I did let go and quickly ended a second blunder last summer with a overt narcissist. Two months and I was gone. I have lived and learned.
You are welcome.
I didn’t pick Warn the new victim, or confront both, although I have felt like it often. I had my perfect opportunity yesterday when I saw her coming to meet him at his office at the end of the day. I almost said something to her, but wasn’t gutsy enough. I just hung around waiting for him to appear, and made myself visible to him. He looked towards me and said hello. I ignored him. Think that must have wounded him – got a call in the evening, all apologetic, he was sorry that he had ignored me, sorry that he had treated me like shit, he was very tired, had a lot going on, blah, blah blah. My heart bleeds…. NOT. Cos it’s all bullshit pity play.
This is a difficult one. Only because I have now been educated. So..under those circumstances I would walk away and be grateful. BUT, if I go back quite some years before education, I think I can honestly say I would not and did not try to get back with the narcissist, or warn the new victim. I am one of those people that can walk and not look back, especially if I could see any form of red flags. My problem however was being hoovered years down the track….and then years down the track again! All in the name of ‘perhaps by now…surely he’s changed’.
I have also been at fault with one of the hoovers.
All I can say now is…thank god for education. It was a long time coming.
Being disengaged from someone without a reasonable or valid explanation would trigger my off switch…..to find out that someone else was already in the picture would just further assist me in keeping that off switch in the off position…….the shutters would be down and locked…..Diva
That’s a very mature response 🙂
Hi Erin…..I know you didn’t mean to make me laugh…..but you did…..that’s the first time my name has ever been associated with the word “mature”……..I normally get told to “grow up!!!”. Isn’t that right HG? Anyway Erin thank you…..but I am now starting to think that HG is aging me!!!……Diva
I would have and did confront him. She’s as clueless as I was in the beginning. So, I wouldn’t give her any shit about it. I’d probably try to tell her what he did too me. But, we all know what that would lead, don’t we?
No where.