Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages? Part Two
Having explained why the various schools of narcissist fails to respond to your text messages when you are the primary source, it also falls to be considered why this is done with three classes of secondary source namely The Intimate Partner Secondary Source, The Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source and the Non-Intimate Partner Secondary Source.
The Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“IPSS”)
This person is either somebody who is being seduced by our kind for the purposes of being promoted to become the new primary source at the appropriate time or is someone who has not secured the promotion but is someone we regard as too valuable to discard. Accordingly, the IPSS might be someone who is “on the up” in terms of seduction as we look to ensure they will be a reliable and high-functioning primary source or it might be someone who did not make ‘the cut’ but since we have invested time and effort in them and their fuel (plus other benefits) they are still of use to us. So, what does it mean if we are not responding to your text messages when you are the IPSS?
During Initial Seduction
It is the IPSS who experiences the most intense of seductions. You will have begun as a tertiary source, a stranger who has been targeted for your potential. You are therefore very quickly promoted to a secondary source and since sex is such a weapon of mass seduction, you will have been further promoted to the position of IPSS. As we look to promote you to the primary source, you will experience the love-bombing and the manifestation of our infatuation through the near ceaseless text messaging.
When there is a hiatus in the text messaging this is not a devaluation but is rather done to test you to see how you respond. If you are relaxed about this change, for instance you have grown used to a text always at 8am and then we do not send one, but you do not respond to this failure in any way, we will be disappointed. If however you text us at 8-01 am asking us how we are (your attempt to find out why we have not texted without asking as such) then we will be pleased with your response and in such a circumstance likely to respond immediately again. Any kind of delay in responding or period of silence is done purely to test how quickly you will respond and what you will send in your response to us. This is not devaluation. The delay will only be for a short period of time, a few hours or so, as it is a test and we do not want to risk losing your interest. Accordingly, if you do not respond for a few hours (although this is highly unlikely) we will contact you (if it was a devaluation the silence would continue for far longer). Furthermore, when you do respond, we will reply to you after a handful of your messages in a short time period, again because we do not want to risk losing your interest and we are satisfied that you are responding in the way that we approve of.
During the Golden Period Seduction
If the targeting and the initial seduction proved successful then you will have been promoted from IPSS to primary source and therefore you ought to have regard to the circumstances of this article Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages? – Part One
If however you have not been promoted to primary source but you have not been discarded, then we have opted to keep you connected to us as an IPSS. You will be aware that you have not been promoted because we will still see the wife or girlfriend (or if none was ever mentioned) you will not see us as often as you once did during the Initial Seduction. You may think that this is a devaluation. It is not. You are now in the Golden Period Seduction for an IPSS. This means we still regard you as ‘good’, we want your fuel, but unlike a IP Primary Source we will not avail ourselves of the fuel as often. This means that the fuel you provide as a IPSS does not go stale, but rather we intermittently return to you. We in effect keep you hanging on, future-faking as to what might happen but we have no intention of promoting you (just yet although circumstances may change further down the line) since we deemed you not to make the grade.
What will be happening now is that we will
a. Continue with the devaluation of the primary source;
b. Continue to engage with you as an IPSS; and
c. We will be engaging with another IPSS in the Initial Seduction Period
Accordingly, when your messages are not being returned in these circumstances again it is not because of a devaluation but it is because we have ‘put you back on the shelf’ and we are engaging with the primary source and/or new IPSS who we are looking to promote. You remain of use to us but this is an intermittent use.
Understand therefore that the silences (and they can be protracted) are not because we have turned against you, but because we are busy elsewhere. You may notice that you do receive some replies but they are short and perfunctory in nature
“Busy. Will call later.”
“Can’t talk. Meeting.”
“Busy but miss you.”
“Tied up but will message later.”
These crumbs of comfort are provided because we do not want to lose you, we enjoy the fuel that is received from you messaging us and because you remain in the Seduction Golden Period we have no need to devalue you, it just is not your turn to have time with us.
You can find yourself held in this position for a very long time. Not good enough to become the primary source but not bad enough to devalue and discard.
The Devaluation of an IPSS is rare because we like to keep you around as a reliable and occasional fuel provider. We invested time in you and because you function whenever we turn to you (you are delighted to gain some time with us at last) your fuel always appears potent to us, thus we have no need to devalue.
Devaluation would only take place if you began to refuse to see us when we decided it was time to pay you a visit or you no longer provided us with fuel. Once this has happened we consider you to be a malfunctioning IPSS and we will devalue you. This means that we will ignore your text messages, you will not get crumbs of comfort and the period of ignoring you will be extensive until we do decide to respond. The response will be malign in nature. Thus if you are an IPSS you will know that:-
a. Extensive delays to reply to your repeated messages; and
b. When the response finally comes it is malign in nature
means that you are being devalued.
In the rare event that you have been discarded as an IPSS then you are immediately painted black and it is as if you do not exist. We do not regard you as even worth bothering with for negative fuel (although of course we will still derive some from your messages but we will not prod you for more) and therefore if you do not get a reply to your text messages begging for a reply and an explanation, it is because we regard you as an irritation, beneath dealing with and in all likelihood you will end up blocked.
The Dirty Secret Intimate Partner Secondary Source (“DSIPSS”)
The DSIPSS is the person who is kept hidden away but is dipped into for excellent fuel with considerable regularity ( see more Dirty Little Secret )
The Initial Seduction Period
This will be intense in a similar way to that described above as concerning the IPSS. There is unlikely to be any delay in replying to text messages because there is no need to test you. Your role has been decided on as DSIPSS and you will never become the primary source. Your function is to be available at a set time or times each week for those secret trysts where the clandestine nature of the connection increases the potency of the fuel since you are likely to be The Other Woman. As we embed you (and do so quickly) into this role we will respond to your messages because we do not want to:-
a. Risk losing you; and
b. You trying to contact other people you may know mutually which then risks exposing our dirty secret
thus there will be no failure to reply.
The Seduction Golden Period
Just like the IPSS you are slotted into a longstanding golden period because you are used intermittently. Whilst kept secret, you will be seen more often than an IPSS who is in the Seduction Golden Period. That IPSS has failed to become the primary source but is kept and strung along for future use. You were never going to be the primary source and you are seen more often because the nature of your fuel is a two hour fuel injection before we disappear back to the primary source.
It is the nature of the DSIPSS that because they know of the primary source, they are less likely to badger us through messages. There will not be any intentional failure to respond to the messages of the DSIPSS and often the reply will explain why we cannot speak or message at length but the content of the message will be complimentary, encouraging and contain future faking, whilst slating the primary source,amounted to improved crumbs of comfort. Indeed there will often be an explanation given to explain when we are next available (the IPSS would not be afforded this)
“Can’t message for long, got to take the witch to her friends so will message you around 8pm, can’t wait to kiss you again.”
“Difficult to text, she is still here. Will message again as soon as I can. Really missing you and want to show you just how much asap.”
“Hi sex machine, stuck at present, will msg after 6pm xxxxxxxxxxx”
Thus if you find that your messages are always answered, your expectations managed and you know there is a primary source involved, you are a DSIPSS who is in the lengthy seduction golden period.
It is very rare for a DSIPSS to be devalued because of their compliance, acceptance of their role and the delicious turbo boost of fuel which they provide every so often. We do not become bored of the DSIPSS’ fuel and devaluation would only take place if the DSIPSS eventually decides that he or she wants more or tires of their role, in effect working out that they are just a dirty little secret. If there are demands for more time, threats to expose the arrangement or the fuel is diminished then we may apply some more sugar to calm the situation, but if this is unlikely to work then we will turn to threats and devaluation. We will then cut the DSIPSS adrift and make them persona non grata. We will not respond to any of the messages for a long time and once we do the response will be savage, malign and threatening in order to ensure that the DSIPSS stays silent.
Just like the IPSS, the discard is rare, but if it does happen, your messages will be ignored because not only are you painted black by us, we wish you would just disappear because as a DSIPSS you have the potential to cause us problems. By not answering we are denying your existence. We are unlikely to block you because we want to keep an eye on what you are doing in case it proves necessary to dole out a malign follow-up hoover in order to keep you in line, but we will monitor your texts but not reply. We are no longer as interested in your fuel, but it is rather the reaction of wishing you would just go away and let us get on with our machinations in peace.
The Non-Intimate Secondary Source (“NISS”)
This will include inner and outer circle friends along with colleagues.
The Initial Seduction
This happens quickly as it does not take too much effort to bind this person to us as friend or colleague as a NISS and the reality is that there is unlikely to ever be an occasion, or indeed time for a failure to respond to the text messages occurring.
The Seduction Golden Period
As explained elsewhere, the NISS enjoys a near permanent golden period because their fuel is only relied on intermittently and thus remains potent. The NISS is also often very loyal and receives bribing benefits from our kind, so the seduction golden period will continue for a long time.
If there is a failure to reply to text messages it is because we are busy about something else. The NISS whilst important to us, is expendable and therefore the messages of a NISS will not be treated with priority. The fuel obtained whilst good, is not the highest and generally, in tandem with our concept of superiority and control, consider that the NISS once bound is not going to become disloyal because we have been slow to respond to text messages. We take the view that they will conclude we are just busy and they will patiently wait for a reply. We have no need to rush and no need to devalue them during this stage. Accordingly, if you are a NISS and your messages are not being responded to, it is because we are busy doing something else and you are not a priority.
The devaluation of a NISS is very rare, but if it does happen then the failure to respond will be elongated in time, with many messages piling up unanswered before we eventually respond with a scathing put down. There will be no words of comfort, no excuses offered but an unpleasant reply designed to draw fuel from you.
The discard of a NISS is also rare but if it does happen, it is as if you are struck from the record, made persona non grata and in all likelihood you will be blocked. We freeze you out and no doubt have already replaced you with someone else. Your messages seeking explanations and reconciliation will be unheeded and indeed in many instances not even yet, such is your inferior status to us.
41 thoughts on “Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages? Part Two”
HG question, listening to an interview you gave, you said you ( Narcisists) can’t self fuel as ‘normals’ do… my question is, my N husband ( knew since waaaaay back) ALWAYS proudly stated that he ‘didn’t care what anyone thought of him’ yet isn’t it in reality that he’s literally ‘run’ by what others think of him how they treat him etc. at all times? As always, he’s a contradiction to me. Any insight would be greatly appreciated!
What he is actually saying is
“I don’t care WHAT anyone thinks of me (as long as they think SOMETHING about me).”
We have been seeing each other for two years, he disappeared three times always coming back. We have been in a “relationship” for a year now. I have caught him cheating twice. First time he said it was a mistake and he won’t make that mistake again. I accepted his apology then he disappeared right after for a week. Came back and put me on the backburner. Contacting me on occasion, coming to see me a couple times a week. I feel like he keeps changing my status from primary to second and back again. I am pretty numb to any pain this brings me anylonger. I accept him for just as he is, he has tested my boundaries in a short and abrupt fashion testing to see if he can tear my esteem down but I either ignore or give him validation bringing things back to how wonderful I think he is. I love spoiling him and giving him everything he needs, I don’t like the times of not much communication, but they are short lived. I feel like he gets disappointed that I don’t overreact to his being unavailable, is it better to overreact for his sake??? I don’t care that he is cheating, he can’t control his mental affliction as much as I can’t control who I am. In fact it’s wonderful when it works out for us to have a threesome. How do I stay a primary for the most part???
You can control it. Your emotional thinking is telling you cannot because it wants to con you into remaining engaged with the narcissist. There is no point trying to stay an IPPS for the most because
a. It is not good for you;
b. This is your emotional thinking conning you into trying to do so; and
c. The decision is the narcissist’s not yours.
Anybody who tells you different is lying to you and not assisting you.
Research the latest stats on DV. We should consider our selves lucky when they pull a silent treatment or disengage.
The number of American troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001 and 2012 was 6,488. The number of American women who were murdered by current or ex male partners during that time was 11,766. That’s nearly doublethe amount of casualties lost during war.
Women are much more likely to be victims of intimate partner violence with 85 percent of domestic abuse victims being women and 15 percent men. Too many women have been held captive by domestic violence — whether through physical abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse or a combination of all three.
We are inundated with news stories about domestic violence , from athletes beating their significant others in public elevators or in their own homes tocelebrities publicly abusing their girlfriends. This problem is not one that will go away quickly or quietly.
As Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to an end, discussions about intimate partner abuse and its horrible repercussions should not. In an attempt to illustrate the gravity of abuse all genders (but largely women) face in the U.S., we rounded up 30 statistics on domestic violence.
Domestic violence is not a singular incident, it’s an insidious problem deeply rooted in our culture — and these numbers prove that.
The number of women murdered every day by a current or former male partner in the U.S.
The number of women who have experienced physical intimate partner violence in their lifetimes.
There is additional information and stats.
Please be safe, self preservation is so important especially in a world where this behaviour is accepted by a large majority.
May I please ask one final question and then I’m done (for tonight).
After treatment and when you finally meet “the one” do you think/hope it will be the case that you will be honest and truthful about who you really are from the get-go or will you tell the person over time…. or is there no plan as yet? Thank you, thank you, thank you…..x
Stating who I am is difficult, since I am conflicted as to what that is.
I agree. As none us know. We wait and hope for a specialist, occurrence, family, or thing to give us a label.
Their lies the problem, who and what we are is within.
What we desire to be is available to us. We fail to recognize it because we need and want a label.
I had to make a note of your comment because I can’t even begin to wrap my head around what you wrote. If you don’t mind my asking, what are some of the character traits that you have borrowed for your construct in the recent past?
A variety. Places travelled to, achievements gained, particular establishments or events attended to name a few categories.
Thank you, HG. One of my narcs pretended to know celebrity chef Todd English after attending one of his restaurant openings.
HG, if you don’t mind, in your experience what is the ‘usual/average’ time an IPSS can expect to spend on the shelf. I can still contact him. Last communication was all good then ST. Can you give me even a rough, ballpark figure, if you would be so kind. Thank you x
There really is no average because it depends on what else is occurring in the fuel matrix. If for example the narcissist is devaluing an IPPS and you are a Shelf IPSS you may be on the shelf for a week or two at a time. If a different IPSS catches the ‘eye of the narcissist during this time, your shelf period will be extended. If that IPSS is promoted to IPPS and the existing one is dis-engaged from, you will be on the shelf for many months.
It’s months..you’re so right…but I know he’ll be back. Thank you very much HG. Appreciated.xx
HG, do similar rules apply to a shelf DLS?
My younger sister would probably give HG a run for his money as well. I’ve been around them for the majority of my life too.
I realized the only people i want in my life is those that love and respect me. Hell, most food have a shelf life at some point we use or throw it away. Why choose to be recycled over and over again.
Be safe, love yourself…
I think HG is smart enough to GOSO, go no contact or ignore them.
Please do a personal consult with H.G., he can help you during this time. He will help you understand why your last communication wasnt all good.
Peace and Healing
I appreciate your concern but when your family is full of them you don’t fear them. My sister would give HG a run for his money. Fury- demonic fury more like. But today – she hits that narc reset button – and it’s like it never happened. All learned from my father. xx
In the past you have allowed is to share, hopefully you obliged.
I would like to recommend the book The subtle art of not giving a Fuck. by Mark Manson.
We’re all wrong about everything, some just a little less wrong than others. Everything sucks some of the time, and that’s OK — happiness is learning how to appreciate the struggles in your life. There are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on the planet, you couldn’t be special even if you wanted to be, so stop trying to prove yourself all the time. Trying to prove something to yourself and others is the root of most misery.
Life is about solving problems. Therefore, learn how to pick good problems. Avoiding problems just makes everything worse.
Human emotions are flawed. Always be skeptical of yourself, no matter what. Let go of your identity, you don’t really know who you are, nor should you. Sex is good. As long as it’s done consciously and for emotionally healthy reasons. So fuck your brains out. Appreciate love, but understand there are things more important than love.
Conflict is inevitable and often necessary. Sometimes things need to be broken before they can be made better.
I have read that book and it is excellent. Zero fucks given.
How will a narc act to being put in the friendzone. I like the flirting and occasional spending time with each other(no sex). Can a narc be ok with this if he wants me romantically?
No, we decide what happens, not you.
Wow, narcissist really are control freaks.
I thought I was a friend with my narc ….I was “Miss fix it” … it was disasterous in the end! I wish I knew what I know now, back then! Get out asap! They play games and stuff up your head big time! In the end, whatever you say is meaningless, it’s like they’re not even listening (there’s a glaze over their eyes) Don’t waste your time, energy or breathe!
Sorry … they don’t want you, romantically or otherwise! They’re just full of themselves! Sorry😞
Very true. Unless she’s up to a game of hurt and see(watch). 😊I’ve tried most of HG tactics on how to injure and they work. Since, i was a NISS he tried to give a silent treatment the first go around. ☺He return i gave him a respite for a day or so. Then i watch the lesser explode using all type of bad language tried to gaslight, threaten to no longer speak with me. Lol, then he told me he loved me. I laughed so hard. He said i am f**# up from past relationship. I responded maybe in a idgf tone. As if i was talking to a tree.
Life have so much more to offer than worrying about a narc.
Peace and continued healing beautiful beings.😊
Dear Mr Tudor,
I’m a NISS! My male friend tried to “love bomb” me in the beginning and I rejected him firmly, but very politely. We continued to be friends for 4 years because I could not avoid him and was unable to shake him off. After a while, he started playing “head games” and lying . He text me a lot and always answered me promptly.
It’s almost like it was pay back for my rejection. I don’t understand what I actually was to him in his mind, because he treated me like your typical mid range narcissist and I had all the trimmings like the Hoover, ghosting/stalking etc. I am no longer friends, but, I can sense he’s brewing or plotting for the future !
Some things I’ve noticed about narcs I know, they are all very much into music. Hoarding on one hand and neat freaks on the other! There appears to be a bit of OCD happening ….. are you able to expand/elaborate on this and point out any other similarities with narcissists ?
It all revolves around control.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Have you written more extensive articles on the NISS situation that myself and others can acquaint ourselves with!
What would a “friend” be feeling when they lose control … fury ?
There is the article Sleeping with the Frenemy which you will find interesting. A friend who is a narcissist will invariably have their fury ignited if they feel that they are using control. How that manifests depends on the school of narcissist of course.
HG, is the narcissist afraid of the discarded DSIPSS? If he already knows that no one would ever believe what we might say about him them then why would he need to keep an eye on us? Nothing we say would be believed. I would think especially with the greater. My ex greater would smile and tell me to go right ahead and then offer to dial his wife’s number for me. He would bet his life that I’d never attempt it. He knows that I know that I would be destroyed.
Not afraid. Certain narcissists may be concerned that the DS might become disloyal and damage the facade.
I have a devaluation of an NISS situation going on between a female narc and a mutual friend. We used to all be friends; these two women work in the same elementary school. I explained to my girlfriend that she was being devalued and to give the narc no fuel. She avoids her like the plague now. The female narc is mad at me because I won’t knit with her anymore. She sent me several angry texts today loaded with pity plays and guilt. Narc action IRL. Gotta love it!
The narc knitter is mad at me and was seen talking to my ex MMRN for quite a while at the playground yesterday. And I saw her talking to my daughter’s teacher in the hallway; she didn’t see me sneak out, but I had a feeling that she was talking trash about me. I hate those fucking assholes; I want to blow them both up. I am still working on a plan B.
HG – What about if you are an IPSS and you have been clearly disengaged from but you are pretty sure the narc would answer your text if you ever broke your NC? Even after breaking up with me, he has always immediately texted me back and been nice.
It depends on what is occurring in the fuel matrix when you contact the narcissist.
All. Of your stories explain the narcassist usually return … except when it comes to the dirty little secret….and can you ever be friends later on?
If we choose for that to be the case, do not pin any hope on being able to bring it about yourself.
HG, since narcs need to be in control, I presume your kind put a high value on compliance. Consequently, if a mid ranger puts the DLS on the shelf and tells her he will reach out soon, the best thing she can do to remain white is not to reach out but wait for the narc to do so when he decides, correct?