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50 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 180”
I cannot remember for the life of me where I put a comment re the stability of personality traits but I wrote a post last night when I was like multitasking (note to self don’t post while multitasking) – wanted to fix a previous statement I made somewhere…
By the age of 30 traits remain constant and ultimately stabilze…
extraversion may decline as a person ages (I think mid life if i remember correctly but i do remember the general fact) and agreeableness may increase…
Writing this just for checking if the subscription e-mail notification of comments is functioning …
Superxena, thank you for your comment.
I reread your comment twice. No, you do not know me. And I repeat a part of your sentences:
“First: I do not know you, your story, your background or your actual life situation.
Second : I am not the one who can determine if you or you do not have empathic traits, that is for you and the ones near you to know. I am not an expert and I do not intend to be one either.”
You seem to doubt it. I expected a honest apology for that assumption. If you had added: ” I did not want to hurt you, although I have the feeling…. I have to apologise, if I am not right with my assumption…”
Then I could accept your comment.
You did not. And you did not really reflect your own assumptions about me.
If you ask me to use this blog for inner reflection I ask you to do the same. You only point on my aggressiveness but do not question your own assumptions. I see only a little bit of self-reflection on this point by you.
That I was aggressive towards HG is another question. And I will answer to your other arguments as I promised and you accepted it.
Hello Mona! I can relate to you in so many levels. This blog is very ‘straight foward’ and triggers a lot of bad memories in me on a daily basis. The healing process is slow and it always comes with a price. So I decided to check it out only twice a week and exclusively during the day, as reading its posts on the evenings deteriorates my sleep; so I can understand your anger. Maybe keeping a distance would help you feeling better. Be kind to yourself! xoxo
You have found what works for you, sometimes powerful medicine has to be taken at a steadier pace, so that is fair enough.
This is the saddest narc truth image i have seen thus far. It breaks my heart. 💔
That sweet little boy inside the construct that he has to put up, so nobody sees the hurt child who was helpless and could not fight back. I feel like crying😢
Easy easy, Tigers.
We all have to remember about our own childhood traumas, because it is the lesson we have to learn and accept finally. Talking about our childhood openly is the best way to do it.
What do you expect from a female with narcissistic traits?
Thank you for your extensive explanation. As for:
1. ” He is eloquent and intelligent enough to defend himself. He does not need your help at all”.
Exactly: It is not a war-zone here in this site where people have to defend each other. There is a big difference between defending and pointing out that personal attacks either to the moderator of this site or to any of the participants of this blog (or in any other forum ) are not constructive. They are just an example of frustration and lack of control driven mainly by anger or hatred. Especially when the person attacking is deploying an OFFENSIVE mechanism and not a DEFENSIVE one . As it is very transparent to me that is exactly what you are doing here.
2. ” He can continue his nastiness in his private life under the umbrella of a lot of women who protect him because they benefited of his useful information.If he would be accused of sexual assault like Weinstein all the women here would stand up for him and tell: “He is such a good guy. He helped me so much.” And the real victim would be humiliated again… (This is an example, no assumption and no attack)”
All of this that you write are assumptions since it has not happened and you do not know if it will happen do you? How can you possibly know what and how all the people ( men or women) here do, feel or think about this?
Assumption defined as: “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.”
3. ” What is wrong to point on his responsibility to grow up and behave like a man?”
I do not put any values of it is “wrong” or “right” but nobody asked you to. Especially when the main aim of this information is to learn and exchange experiences between the participants of the blog giving supportive arguments and not criticism in order to move on. And this goes not just for him but to anyone you try to point out a responsibility to that you do not even know . Neither you or me can just take the right to point out responsibilities to anyone without even knowing them…
4.” It is mean of me to feel joy about his bad childhood. That is true.This is my narcissistic trait. The fury inside of me. It is no anger, it is more, much more than hate. It is far away of being fair. And I control this beast inside of me.”
As for you narcissistic trait as the reason for doing this is the saddest part of all this: a person with true empathic traits will deploy these “narcissistic” traits as a DEFENSIVE mechanism when abused or attacked and not as an OFFENSIVE mechanism to attack for the simple reason of attacking/ hurting.
That is to me one of the main differences between a narcissist and a non-narcissit.
Believe me, I will still have the need to point out that personal attacks are destructive regardless to whom these attacks are aimed to..
It is very sad that this site has turned to be like a “war zone” for you where all you see and feel is hatred and anger from your own experience with a narcissist projecting it to another narcissist…instead of being what it should be :a forum for learning and moving on from your anger and hatred. It would be a more constructive approach for you…hatred and anger is just self-destructive.
Re No.4 – I can’t agree more .
Thank you for your comment !
I can’t express myself in English in such an eloquent way as you do so thank You for writing this Superxena.
Thank you for your kind comments abrokenwing! I really appreciate them.
Superxena, I will overthink a lot of that you and I have written and I will answer to it later, but please look at your own comment. Do I misunderstand you or did you accuse me of having no true empathic treats at all? I honestly said that I have a strong narcisstic trait (or maybe more) which is to judge. But to say that I have no true empathic traits, that goes to far and is an assumption of you about me hidden under an “objective” statement. I never said that I am a full empath. Look at your own comment under this aspect.
I analyse my own comment: For example :” All the women here would stand up”…. is a typical narcissistic exaggeration, I do not know, if it is true or not. And I assumed it. That was wrong and an overreaction. It was not objective or responsible.
This is only one example that I am able and ready to overthink my own comments and shall show you that I do not want to deflect.
I only need a little bit more time.
Thank you for your answer. I just have to say that this time your answer feels different : not too much anger in it.
You should not feel criticised by what I wrote and you should not try to prove your point.There is not need to do so. That is not my intention. My intention with my comments was an invitation for you to inner reflection as I feel you are doing now.
I am not judge here and I do not intend to be one either because:
First: I do not know you, your story, your background or your actual life situation.
Second : I am not the one who can determine if you or you do not have empathic traits, that is for you and the ones near you to know. I am not an expert and I do not intend to be one either.
What became very transparent to me by the way you wrote incurring into personal attacks based merely on assumptions was your anger. Something that made me wonder if the empathic traits can be overridden by the narcissistic traits when they are not deployed as a defensive mechanism…which I think that ( as you explained yourself) was the reason why you reacted this way.
Many of the posts here are triggering yes. They are supposed to be like that. If you can canalise your anger towards inner reflection , the effects would be more positive and constructive for you. Well, that is one of the many ways this site has helped me with.
You are always welcome to interact with me (and many other bloggers) taking the time you need .
This is one of the marvellous things of this site: to ultimately be able to use the information given to your favour for inner reflection and inner growth. I hope you can reach that state.
Hi mona…your comment about all the women standing up for HG i can see why youd say that but in real life out there no. On here its easy to see HG’s talents, humor and charm but in the real world how hes treated his primaries no way would i accept this or make excuses but the difference is i dont have to make that judgement call and i dont. I come on here to learn and i enjoy the good parts of HG and leave his real self to him and his personal life. Thats where we go wrong as empaths we think we have to change or facilitate change. I used to be this way but it sapped my energy and made me very emotional. I choose to come here to learn and enjoy what i can from it. What i will stand up for is the fact HG and other narcissists were victims too. I use the word “were” bc as you pointed out as adults its our responsibility for our behaviors and changing them. Itd be great if HG shared any progress hes made or struggles but his petsonal life as a narcissist in my mind is seperate from me coming here.
If you find you have to respect or like who he is to learn from here then you have to decide for yourself which is the healthiest route for your healing. I do enjoy your posts and your honesty.
Because it works. I knew you would react. It is predictable. And I know you would like that your childhood would be buried in the dust of your past. It does not interest me, that you do not need my compassion. That was not the point. Concentrate on my last sentence.
You concentrate on accuracy rather than peddling inaccuracy. Yes, I will react to correct inaccuracy. You could have made your point without advancing inaccuracy and you have just confirmed that you knew it was inaccurate and you still wrote it.
Yay a shit storm. I am a mish mash of codependent empath borderline narc traits with a lime. Product of my child hood. No excuses. Just the facts. I wasn’t raised by a pack of wolves. No howl. But it would be a welcome trait:)
HG, there is no other place left to answer on your comments. You are right that I should not have used an assumption about using pity plays (childhood). That is not your style. I looked at other comments you did in the past.
I only should have pointed on your responsibility. That would have been enough.
I believe that we have different opinions about “to be a man.”
It is the old discussion: “What is a man?” “How should a man be in these days?” Many men struggle with this question and many women too. Me included.
Yes and emotional thinking overrolls me sometimes. There are so many triggers, that make me rage and force me to withdraw a little bit.
Your descripted behaviour of narcissists towards women which is the basis for my comments is so out of balance of justice and so unfair that my emotions overroll me. I do not know which ones are only descriptions and which ones belong to your own behaviour.
And I have to confess that I trained a little bit my own nastiness.
I do not regret my missing empathy for your bad childhood. It is and remains a comfort that you had to pay a price for your nasty behaviour nowadays. That is only honest and a feeling of some justice for me. Of course it still is a behaviour of adults which is to condemn much more than anything else. I see the results of this kind of education. For your kind, for the normals and for the too empathic people.
This is my answer towards you, HG.
I ask the other ones on this blog to keep out of my discussion with him. It is a confrontation of thoughts between him and me. And there is no one else invited.
Concentrate on the last two sentences of my comment on Oct 30, 2017 at 8:59 AM. I know you will try to distract.
I have seen the last two sentences. You are of course repeatedly deflecting from what I have pointed out to you with regard to the deliberate inaccuracies contained in your comment, by just returning to the final two sentences of your earlier comment.
You could have just written the final two sentences rather than propagate the inaccuracy, but you did not.
I am a man. You do not dictate to me what I should or should not do.
I believe mona is being harsh.
However, i see a misogynist statement frm u: “I am a man. You do not dictate to me what I should or should not do.”
Actually, maybe it is not misogynist. Maybe u meant that u r a man as opposed to a little boy.
I re-read this page. I see that i did not receive all comments in my inbox. I understand now why u stated ‘i am a man.’ It is due to mona repeatedly demanding u to become a man. Therefore, i take back my statement regarding misogyny.
Narcissism brings out narcissim. I suspect. And it sucks. We attack in the same vein (vain?) that which we feign as vile. We hate it. The deal. The disease, the poison, the lies etc. Not the people. It (the vile) hides in humans so we “hate” them. We lash out. Maybe we are like them. Not like them. Either way we are invisibly attached. Part and parcel. Addiction breeds addiction.
One year ago I still felt some compassion for the little boy inside of you. Now- even that compassion is gone. And I really hope that the things you told about your childhood are true. I know this is cruel and heartless but it is a little bit comfort for me. There are so many others who found a better way to deal with their childhood. You only copy what you have learnt and spread evil around.
You are responsible for what you are. It was a conscious decision. Perhaps their was no other way in childhood- I will not deny that. But now there is.
You really help thousands through information about your kind. That is true and laudible but I cannot appreciate it until you start to change your own private behaviour. Therefore do not complain about your childhood any longer. It is only an explanation but no real apology. It repels me to see how you use your childhood for excuses.
Grow up and fill in the void between the child and the skeleton. Become a man.
I never complain about my childhood – I explain what happened. I never seek sympathy or pity for what happened to me, that disgusts me. I am not interested in your compassion. I do not use my childhood as an excuse, I rarely mention it, indeed it is the readers who ask me about it most of all. I would rather it remained banished as that is what works. Why not concentrate on what I actually write rather than make assumptions?
I am curious if you are disgusted when some of us exhibit sympathy to you? Or is it when we express this, it is of no consequence to you?
Or is it possibly humorous to you?
Maybe this question is best left unanswered.
You already did say this:
I am not interested in your compassion.
But it seems to be relied upon with most of real life encounters.
I appreciate the sentiment from my readers out of politeness, but I am not interested in sympathy or compassion. I was never shown any way back then, so it is nearly meaningless to me and yes, it is fuel, but it is not something I am interested in, I am above the need for sympathy and compassion. I would rather the fuel originated in a different way.
Very Interesting. Thanks for the info!
Let she who has not “complained” about their childhood here cast the first stone, Mona.
Because I recall reading you writing about, or, as you would call it, complaining about, YOUR childhood. Which makes this comment utter hypocrisy.
I do not deny that I complain about my childhood. But I did not develop into a full blown narcissist. Therefore I cast the first stone, Petals. I have some narcissistic traits I do not deny too. I do not howl with the wolves or the codependent.
I second SuperXena. Pity is not necessary to reap the benefits of knowing what makes a narcissist become what they are. And even if, hypothetically, this WAS a Pity Play…so what?
Such information can be invaluable, not solely to, but particularly to, those who have children with a narcissist, assuming that those children becoming narcissists is not the preferred outcome. (For example, if this blog was around at the time and my mother had read it, perhaps she would not have failed so entirely in her half-assed, too late attempt to protect us.) Keeping people in the dark in order to protect your fragile black and white thinking would not help anyone involved…except the narcissist, of course.
Though if you insist on casting those stones to make yourself feel better, I suppose you’ll need to keep some at the ready for whenever my letter to my father is posted. I do suspect you’ll disapprove.
Looking forward to your letter to your father!
Mona…What’s the point with these personal attacks? They are either conveying a valuable or a constructive message…I understand that many still have a lot of anger towards their ex…but why direct it to the wrong person? I will never understand these type of comments..they are just destructive …Nobody is asking for compassion for anyone in order to gain understanding and knowledge…
Superxena, HG did not attack me personally. That is true. And I agree that he gives extremely useful information. I said so. Nevertheless it still disgusts me a lot how he talks about his nasty behaviour towards women in his private life. And he seems to be proud of it. I see all the broken females – his broken females – behind his mask of friendliness on this blog. I cannot understand that so many women applaud him only because he is honest about his malice and talks freely about his manipulative tactics. That is very strange for me. If you would meet him in private and be his next victim, would you still defend him?
He is eloquent and intelligent enough to defend himself. He does not need your help at all. I am not more destructive than he is. And I never abused my ex. HG will always find friends to support him. That is the way the narcissistic network functions. His matrix. Spinweb. He can continue his nastiness in his private life under the umbrella of a lot of women who protect him because they benefited of his useful information.If he would be accused of sexual assault like Weinstein all the women here would stand up for him and tell: “He is such a good guy. He helped me so much.” And the real victim would be humiliated again… (This is an example, no assumption and no attack!)
What is wrong to point on his responsibility to grow up and behave like a man?
I do not think that he is the wrong person to be addressed.
It is mean of me to feel joy about his bad childhood. That is true.This is my narcissistic trait. The fury inside of me. It is no anger, it is more, much more than hate. It is far away of being fair. And I control this beast inside of me.
But he has had his revenge all the time.He doubled it. He punished all the women in his life for his bad childhood and his narcissistic mother and his weak father. What is wrong with these women or his friends who are only objects in his life ? Nothing! (except Lesley, who was mean to his brother) .
Superxena, you can condemn me for my joy, but you cannot condemn me for my need to point on his responsibility. I can control the beast inside of me. He does not.
And therefore he disgusts me. He is a slave of his own malice.
Although he is a funny guy.
He can try to change, and he has tried, as he revealed in one of his interviews. But it is VERY difficult for him. He would have to put others first, which is difficult since he has no empathy. He cannot put others first ALL of the time – it is a true reality. He may well try to do so SOME of the time due to cognitive empathy, but his need for fuel will overtake that sadly. It is an uphill battle for him to change, unfortunately.
I recently listened to an interview with HG and he discussed channeling his old habits into new positive habits.
I believe what you wrote to him was meant for someone else. Perhaps you’ve made excuses for others because they’ve used pity plays?
HG’s style is matter of fact and doesn’t embellish. How you interpret it is up to you.
Thank you, Sophia and Jenna, yes, I projected my anger/ fury on him which I have against other narcs and I confused it with my experience with other narcs. It helps me a lot to hear that he is trying to develop himself. I do not know why it helps a lot, but it does. I really have this fury inside of me, but mostly I can control it. That is very difficult for me. But I do. The heated anger is not a characteristic of my family. I am used to cold fury and a lot of manipulations, extremely often pity plays. Therefore my heated fury is a matter of genetics.
I think I have to withdraw myself a little bit from this blog. It does not have the same effect on me than for others. Instead of calming down it makes me more and more aggressive.
Be easy on urself. U replied to superxena; u realized u made an assumption, and that is very honest of u.
Many pple direct anger for their narc towards hg. The v hateful comments bother me. But ur comments are usually to challenge him to think abt his behavior, and usually don’t bother me. I also see u self reflecting abt ur assumptions, which is very good of u.
Hi mona…i can see where youre coming from bc i think this too in relation to greater narcissists but in regards to HG how do you know he hasnt made progress? He doesnt tell us everything that goes on in his therapy and really its about learning about narcissism here not his personal life per say. I do know what youre saying but the whole reason for this blog isnt to feel compassion for HG or even like who he is despite many do myself included, but its to learn from it. Itd be great to see a narcissist like HG change and i hope he can but his purpose is to teach narcissism and ours is to learn. Whether he changes personally is entirely seperate. Maybe he has made changes but we dont know bc hes not touched on this topic as far as ive seen and thats his business if he wants to open up about that.
One thing ive learned is we are all victims even narcissists but i agree as an adult we have the choice to change and improve ourselves. Thats a personal decision tho.
A child learns what they live. Even with the same parents, each child will be treated differently.
Thus HG is a narcissist, while his sister is a doormat. I haven’t read much of his other siblings yet, so I cannot comment on them.
We ask, he explains. I have never read him playing the pity card anywhere on this site. Indeed, I read it that he is proud to have not only survived, he is extremely successful.
I wouldn’t dare to call him a victim, no matter what his childhood.
He is not, and I believe he would find it very offensive.
Hmm… That little boy doesn’t look as if he has a Hate, Envy, Jealousy and Malice inside of him – the core features of Sociopathy. And his toys…they are so peacful and benign.
I would say he is an Aspie child, not a Narc.
Can you relate yourself to that picture, Tudor? Do you feel like that little boy is you?
The real self(emotionally stunted child) trapped inside the exoskeleton of developed narcissistic protection.
That’s so sad in all ways possible. The grown man with the abused child within, the small child erecting those larger than life walls and constructing the invincible facade.
Really HG ? I don’ t really care , I don’ t feel any compassion . I respect you , HG , you are a very good writer , teacher , you are doing a great job in spite of your nature . But I am really done with your kind , finally and thank’ s to you either .
I came from a psycopath mother and I am an empath . Sorry to say
Why is the room and the telescope so dirty, yet the car and truck look relatively new?
Maybe because both the room and the telescope point to the original would performed during childhood while the newer toys have been supported by the ‘functional adult with an income’ narcissist.