Picture This
We all know that a picture paints a thousand words but with my kind and me, you are far more likely to receive a novel. If you know what to look for, my use of pictures is a helpful indicator for you. Initially, I will take hundreds of pictures of you as I shower you with compliments. I will also ensure there are thousands of pictures of us, wearing beaming smiles, radiating out our long-standing love (of three days so far). These pictures will be taken in a sun-drenched location, on a ski-slope, outside the theatre, at restaurants, at the game and so on and so forth. These markers of happiness and location will be plastered all over my phone and social media as part of my Relationship Bulletin (see post) and also a general declaration to the world. Look at us together, see how happy and content we are. This is going to last forever.
Wait a number of months and then ask to see the photos of my phone. I will be evasive and no doubt pick a fight and engage in one of my numerous manipulative techniques to deflect you from pursuing this line of enquiry. The reason? You are no longer clogging up my photo album, in fact I will have stored there various pictures of my new target. None will have been taken with her consent. No, these photos might be surreptitious ones taken at work or most likely copied from her Twitter feed and Facebook account. You might think in the evening that I am sat poring over our photos. Not a chance. I am studying my next source of fuel.
You will also notice a reluctance for me to pose in photographs with you. I will come up with all manner of excuses and invariably suggest we have plenty of pictures we do not need any more.
“Honestly, you take so many selfies, anyone would think you were a narcissist,” I will declare in a delicious moment of irony. I will be refusing to appear in a picture with you and slowly removing all those pictures of us and you from social media accounts. I will not do it in once fell swoop ; that is too obvious. Instead, I do it little by little, imagining I am erasing a little bit of you each time. My version of a death by a thousand cuts.
If you do manage to get a picture of me unawares there will not be the brilliant smile I always used to flash, instead it will be a scowl. If I submit to a posed photograph the smile will be thin and the eyes will be cold and dark, just like how my heart feels for you.
75 thoughts on “Picture This”
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Quite a bit before you posted this, HG, I took another look at a photo of us taken at a charity event last year. We were posed with the other guests at our table. I saw my smiling face and then I noticed something that I didn’t understand last year: the expression on his face. He was not smiling his usual friendly, flirty, Mister-Nice-Guy smile. He looked angry and/or miserable.
Last year, I thought, “Oh, I know he finds these charity events tiresome. He was so resentful that he had to be there, hence his expression”
This year, with my newfound clarity, I think, “Oh, that’s back when he had to put his IPSS on the shelf.” Based on all that HG has taught me, narc was sending her a message in the photo, in case she ever saw it, that he was not happy to be there with me.
He does visibly have his arm around me, but his face says it all.
Lisk, As an IPSS who saw photos of my narc with IPPS and with the same expression as you describe, I would agree. I don’t know if mine was sending me messages per se because he did not know that I had found the social media. But I could definitely tell that he wasn’t happy.
HG, you were doing a series about two narcissist romantic engagements that included lesser and lesser, and then mid-ranger and lesser. Hopefully the mid-range mid-range is in the works?…Because it would cover a lot of covert narcissists and probably have useful information on ferreting them out. Bitte?
They are in progress, Newt.
This is how I figured him out – by looking at pictures. There were very few of him with IPPS on social media, and when there was one (on hers or a kid’s, never on his), he’d have a fake smile and be obviously impatient and always separate – never touching. The body language and facial expressions were really key to getting a handle on him and enabled me to analyze the facade (and give him my analysis) when I escaped.
Also, he would use his phone to control me with pictures. If I was painted white he’d send them (unsolicited). If I was painted black he would say that his phone was a work phone and he couldn’t send them. I realized that it was only if I asked (rarely) – another control issue.
More generally, asking for something – anything – meant I was automatically painted black. When I realized this, during a period in which he was trying to entice me back, I escaped for good. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.
SMH,
“More generally, asking for something – anything – meant I was automatically painted black.”
I wonder if this is what was happening with me. The more I asked, the more he ensured to not only deny the asking but do the complete opposite. If it was important to me, it was to be denied, exploited or obliterated!
I was happy to be with him (when we first got together) and wanted us linked on Facebook, I wanted pictures of us and of our great camping trips posted together. I wanted the world to know that I was with a great man (ok, now grateful because he’s definitely not a great person).
So far as I know, he never took any pictures of me, just of HIS truck, HIS RV, HIS Arctic Cat Wildcat machine, HIS chosen campsite and setup etc and posted them. He wouldn’t even tag me in them even though I was literally right beside him on all the trips. Others would take and post pictures and tag us both and he would get very angry when people did that.
On our last 2 week vacation trip out, I created an album and tagged everyone on the trip so all of us could post pictures to it. The other woman who was there has recently commented on how angry and volatile he would get when I uploaded pictures to the album! He would lash out at me everytime he returned from cell service area and saw that I had added more. Not an appropriate reaction in her opinion.
Hmmm, I think I’m still wearing black BUT I think I look pretty damn good in it though; very flattering **preens, does a pirouette, then does a quick curtsy** What do you think, is it my ‘colour’?
SMH
Your comment about your narc refusing to send you pictures if you asked struck a chord with me.
Early in our reconnection, I asked my Moron to send me a picture of his car (he often talked about his car). He made excuse after excuse for why he wasn’t able to send me a picture then, but would later.
Well, “later” never came. My first thought was he didn’t drive a late model BMW after all. He probably drove some old, beaten up car and just pretended to have a nice one. But since I kept asking, why didn’t he just take a pic of someone else’s BMW to send me and shut me up about it? He could have picked one in his parking structure in case I wanted a follow up pic later. He lived in Munich – BMWs are everywhere. Was he too stupid to think of that? Or did he not realize – no matter how irrational it seemed to him – that his doing such a simple thing that I asked was important to me?
I already knew he had zero empathy- not even cognitive. But as months passed and I kept asking for a pic of his car, I came to realize that he must be deliberately refusing just because I asked it of him. He showed a pattern of refusing to do any if I asked for it explicitly. It must be some twisted sort of control and dominance thing.
If he absolutely refused (with no reason even given) to do such a simple thing that I asked, how could we even ever be friends? For me, him never sending me a picture of his car became a pivotal point in how I thought of him. Whenever i was tempted to interact with him, I’d think about that picture he never sent me.
Windstorm, Yup. I don’t think I figured this out until I read this post of HGs because I only asked him once for a picture – I was being playful. He refused me and I thought it weird because if HE wanted to send one, even an unsolicited dick pic, he would on the same phone. But it is all of a piece – a request that is denied.
I didn’t really need any pictures otherwise because we saw each other enough and everything was on social media anyway. I have even seen inside the house (before they moved – I haven’t looked at anything in months). I have seen their summer place. I have seen their mail sitting on the coffee table. I have seen where the TV is and how the back garden is set up. I have seen the dining table and him carving a turkey and their Christmas tree. I have to laugh because it was mostly the kids’ social media but I managed to figure out where he lived because I’d seen a shot of the backyard and had an address (two because he and IPPS were separated at one point). I Googled the two addresses and matched up the backyard with the pictures from one of them.
Speaking of secrets from the last post, there weren’t any by the time I was done and he had no clue until I told him when I escaped. I still have the dick pic just in case I need to send it to IPPS.
This all took two years but it was worth it so that I could threaten to go to his house at the very end if he did not comply with what I requested. He did. Asshole.
WS, I’ve never understood why the thing with the pictures either. My God, if I could make somebody positively giddy and make them feel like their dreams have come true by sending one damn picture, I’d do it…as much as possible! Why don’t THEY?
MB
They’d rather feel control and dominance
MB, I suppose it depends on where one is in the narc cycle, right? I mean the narc wants to make you happy at first in order to ensnare you but after that, pictures just become another form of manipulation.
WS
Sending you a picture of the BMW would shut off the fuel pump (you) and relinquish his control. Control = safety. He wasn’t stupid; he was smart because he kept you in situ and pumping out fuel. He maintained superiority and control.
He doesn’t have to do something because you asked him to because he isn’t accountable to you and he is entitled to treat you anyway he pleases without furnishing any reason or explanation (you are a little person).
This could be construed as ever presence:
“Whenever i was tempted to interact with him, I’d think about that picture he never sent me.”
K
I have to disagree. In my opinion he was stupid because refusing to do something so simple ran me off. I did not remain “in situ”, i immediately began to back away and be on guard. He lost a perfectly good fuel source.
“He doesn’t have to do something because you asked him to because he isn’t accountable to you and he is entitled to treat you anyway he pleases without furnishing any reason or explanation (you are a little person). “
I’m sure that was his thinking, but it was delusional and destroyed his objective.
Ever presence is something that reminds you of your narcissist. Not something that you use to wipe him out of your mind.
Windstorm, that’s always been my thought on the “withholding” manipulation. How freaking long does he think you’re going to wait and be future faked before you realize he’s being an asshole and move on? How does he know where that tipping point is? They are patient, I’ll give them that!
MB
I don’t think a greater would make that mistake. Moron is a mid-ranger, though, and his opinion of his intelligence is no where near reality.
WS, the one that confused me and led me here is MR too. I let him believe he has some control but it’s my own addiction that keeps me on his shelf. He used to frustrate me, but not anymore. I know his game thanks to HG. I asked today just for fun, “I want to know what makes you tick Mr. Mysterious. Do you think I’ll ever figure you out?” His response, “Never”. Ha! If he only knew! It really is only a matter of time now before I get bored with him and he realizes it. Now that I’ve seen the way the tricks are done, it’s no longer as intriguing. He can’t hold my attention the way he once did. HG bursted the bubble and although much of the excitement has faded, I’d never trade that for the knowledge I’ve learned.
MB
Yes, that was what happened at the end of my observations of my Moron. Boring, pathetic, delusional- but no longer interesting.
Thank you for the explanation K! It helps me too.
But I don’t understand why they are not concerned about keeping you in situ too long without throwing you a bone? (See what I did there?) You could get bored and where would that leave them? What’s so wrong with a picture of some crumbs every now and then? Evidence? So what? Deny and deflect buddy. Isn’t that what you do?
Very perceptive, K, even if Windstorm does not agree. I am unsure as I have the same questions as Windstorm. Why destroy the objective?
But Windstorm – I was reading back over things I had written on another blog two years ago (for some reason MRN is in my head a lot today) and I had the same question as you. Why deny something when all it does is chase the target away? I have to say that I reacted differently – it would anger me and make me more demanding. Post escape I did tell him that he was contrary – if I didn’t want something, he wanted me to want it. If I did want something, he denied it to me.
I think the answer, at least in my experience, is that the power lies perhaps not so much in the denial as in being able to get the person back, which MRN was able to do with me many times. It is that puppet on a string thing HG wrote about (I think I am beginning to be able to see connections in HG’s blog posts). So it is not exactly the act of refusal as it is refusal and then willingness. What if your narc had suddenly sent you the picture?
In any case, I hope I get to the point where I can give other people good advice/interpretations. I don’t feel that I am there quite yet except as I can relate other people’s experiences to my own. I know it makes my comments seem very self-absorbed and I hope to get beyond that, but I am still triggered by and discovering things I hadn’t thought about.
SMH
Yeah, the refusal to send a picture happened in the first month of our online relationship. I would assume that was still the golden period. He was doing all kinds of over the top things and saying ridiculous romantic things, sending me old songs he said were meaningful to our relationship. I concluded that these things were the same things he’d done with many women over time. All he seemed able to do was to follow this script that may have worked in the past, but wasn’t working with me.
In the second month I concluded there was no future for intimacy between us because he refused to honor simple requests that were inmportant to me. He obviously did not “care” about me. He had no understanding of who I was and what I wanted. He would get angry and argue with me if I didn’t act like he wanted. All lovebombing was over.
I did try for months to just be friends with him because I’d love to have a European penpal, but he didn’t want that. So I decided to experiment and observe him and apply things I’d learned here on the blog. But I don’t think he ever really trusted me after that first month when I defied him and refused to shut up and stop asking for the same thing over and over, just as I never really trusted him again when he wouldn’t even do a simple thing that obviously was important to me.
Windstorm, You sound much more grounded than me. All I can say is that I was in a very fucked up place mentally. I DUMPED him a month after we met because I could already tell that he was a manipulative control freak. But then I obsessed and went back a month later because he was also funny, calm and even sweet, and the chemistry was off the charts. I did that four or five times over the course of the FR. I’ve never left someone and gone back. Ever. I simply did not have the backbone to stand up to him or to deny him. I still don’t know that I do, which is why for me NC is the only answer. I don’t even know that with the info from this site, which I only found post-escape, I would be able to handle him.
SMH
That why GOSO is stressed so much. I was very thankful with my Moron that he was 5000 miles away. It’s a lot harder to cut them off if they can show up on your doorstep. You also don’t have that chemistry. For me, there was no sexual chemistry at all. I haven’t had enough pleasant sexual experiences in real life to be able to recreate them sexting. And I would never Skype him. I’m too paranoid about surreptitious picture taking!
Windstorm,
“It must be some twisted sort of control and dominance thing.”
I agree that for him that it was likely a control and dominance thing. You sharing that has clarified a particular incident with my mother (unrelated to sharing pictures) when I was trying to determine if she was a narc. I think the narcissist sometimes doesn’t realize that this level of obstinate controln is what tips them off to us – because, as you say doing the alternative (honouring the request is so simple and requires very little investment on their part) would have better maintained the facade. And then you realize (I think it happens when they are in some kind of fuel crunch – but that’s just a theory) it *HAS* to be about control.
In my case with my mother, her absolute refusal to indulge such a simple request (that would have demonstrated her ability to put herself in the shoes of her grandson) was so vehemently denied (but with other manipulations thrown in to deflect from it) that I realized it was only about control. Because I realized this I kept engaging her and trying to get around her ‘toxic logic’ of course, I failed. But it flushed out her narcissism for me.
The incident above was pivotal for me and lead to more bizarre behaviour that same day that had my alarm bells ringing and initiated the start of ‘no contact’ for me.
“Whenever i was tempted to interact with him, I’d think about that picture he never sent me.”
Yes, whenever I begin to have empathy for my mother I think of this particular incident with her and am reminded that she will never be able to fully put her grandson’s needs before her own.
“I have to disagree. In my opinion he was stupid because refusing to do something so simple ran me off.”
Exactly. They do not realize how idiotic it looks once we are ‘in the know” and they reveal themselves to us.
WhoCares
“I think the narcissist sometimes doesn’t realize that this level of obstinate controln is what tips them off to us”
I agree and I attribute that to their lack of empathy. They literally can not recognize the “deal breakers” from run of the mill annoyances. Really smart narcs at least have cognitive empathy to help them avoid these pitfalls, but even my Pretzel will occasionally be surprised by a reaction he didn’t see coming at all. But many narcs aren’t even smart enough to recognize something when it hits them in the face.
I bet your mother is a lot like mine was. Mama thought she was a good person, but she had no real empathy. She knew to pretend she cared about many things, but sometimes she’d say glaringly unempathetic things and have no idea how they sounded to others. With me she would hold on to these ideas like a dog with a bone and try to browbeat me into agreeing with her. If other people challenged her about the same thing, she would backtrack and pretend she’d misunderstood and swarm up to them to maintain her facade.
Windstorm,
“Deal breakers” is an apt term.
“I bet your mother is a lot like mine was. Mama thought she was a good person.”
Yes, your mother does sound similar to mine – except that, with regard to Clyde, I think that yours wins the maliciousness award. Mine is MMRN as well and absolutely believes she is a good person. She is a little like an angel with a dirty face in that she has definitely taken on the role of caretaker at various times in her life and many see her as a good person. She was very beautiful when she was younger but age has not been kind to her and she has abused her health with alcohol (fuel substitute) and plays on her health troubles for sympathy etc. So she is a definite victim narc. For some reason I’ve read more about your male narcs and cannot recall your descriptions of your mom if you’ve shared…
WhoCares
I may not have described my mother much, I don’t remember. She was somatic, very pretty, thin, physically strong. She took tremendous care of herself (not that that helped with Alzheimer’s.). Teetotaler, belonged to a church that considered drinking alcohol a sin. Liberal democrat, kept a framed picture of Hillary Clinton hanging above her desk in her office.
Self-righteous, practically no real friends, never went anywhere that wasn’t connected to making money, family gatherings or church. Incredibly frugal and had good business sense. Rat-holed all her considerable money since she “didn’t have any children she could trust to care for her in her old age” (I’m an only child).
She had several rental properties and was known as the queen of her road by her tenants and their families. They all loved her. She laughed at home at how low-class and ignorant they all were.
Over the top ridiculously polite to non-family. She had a façade she could instantly slip into of being weak and helpless if she needed something from someone. At home she was full of bitterness and envy, incredibly sarcastic and Uber-critical. She never gave a compliment that wasn’t a veiled insult and felt she was abused and used by us all – me in particular. She was often making dire predictions about how my bad behavior and poor judgement would “get me in the end.”
She was generally considered a very good and caring person by everyone who didn’t live with her. I couldn’t count how many times people told me how very lucky I was to have a mother like her.
WS
The facade is an excellent manipulation (she was whiter than white) and it makes you doubt your reality so it is a form of gas lighting.
K
Yeah, that’s true about façades, but Mama didn’t keep one up at home. Plus, I was cynical as hell and she couldn’t hide fool me with a façade after I was 11 or so. Sometimes she would try, but I’d just stare at her with no emotion and she’d drop it and move on.
But I NEVER could understand how people outside the home couldn’t see thru her! She seemed so saccharine and fake to me! But other people just lapped it up. If I said anything negative about her, it just set me up for smearing.
Usually I just remained silent in public and never responded to what others said about her, even when they asked me if I agreed about how wonderful she was. But when I was about 2-3 days away from having my first child – bloated miserable and frightened – she had an absolute fit that I had to go to a lawyer and sign a small farm over to her that she had previously insisted be put in our name. It didn’t matter that I was very busy, worried, felt rough – I had to go sign that land over to her because she was afraid I might die in childbirth and she was afraid she wouldn’t get her land back. Honest to God, K. That was her reason she told me! She was afraid I’d die and she wouldn’t get her 50 acres!
Then in the lawyers office, the lawyer went on and on about what a wonderful, sweet woman my mother was and how blessed I was to have her! I hissed out in barely controlled anger, “Look! she forced me to come in here and sign this land over to her because she’s afraid I might die this week and all she can think about is herself. She is NOTHING like you’re describing. If you want me to sit here and sign this paperwork, don’t insult me anymore with your false opinions.”
The lawyer looked at me like I had three heads, but she shut up.
WS
Parents don’t keep up the facade at home, ever. Just think of Tickety Boo and Not so Pucker. My mother didn’t even have a facade but my father did.
That is exactly why the facade is brilliant because no one can see through it, ergo, the gaslighting and people would get pissed at me for saying:
1. I hate my mother and I hope she dies.
2. She is a fucking bitch.
3. She is a horrible and abusive mother.
4. She is a fucking beast.
Ok, your mother sounds just like my mother (minus the facade). She didn’t give a flying fuck about you; she only cared about the 50 acres!
Good for you for speaking up! That scenario underlines how effective that particular manipulation is; people just can’t see through it.
But we can, now.
Windstorm,
You’re mother sounds like quite the character. I guess the narc will take whatever they have learned from or grown up with to give them the appearance of a facade – as in your mother’s case; being a church goer, a landlord and involved in politics.
My mother was never that outwardly involved. Although she always had a good job (until she got ‘sick’) and she maintained her facade differently. She has had many friends, even very long-term ones, is very social and demonstrates caring towards children, animals and the elderly – but only when it benefited her and makes people feel indebted to her. She lost most of her IPPS’s – through escape or death. And she has ditched her long-time group of friends when someone called her out on her drinking. She has rarely lost control of her fury but I have seen it (and now these incidences all make sense) and I have seen how she manipulates situations to make it look like she is the victim and the other person is the perpetrator.
And aside, that becomes clearer now as I right this:
I thought I came from a family of strong women who carried on despite difficult life circumstances and were known ‘man-haters’ but (men were the deceivers, ‘useless’, not to be trusted – and everything wrong in the world). I never understood this; because I like men way too much and I instinctively distanced myself from my family because of this message – especially once I had a son. I refused to have him hear talk of this and somehow internalize that all men are useless. (This is also why I hate talk that is ‘men-bashing.)
*NOW* I realize I grew up in a family of narc women who, of course, failed to maintain their relationships and blamed the men for it. This is, in part, why I overstayed my time in relationship with my narc – because I was going to make it *work* and I would not become one of them: bitter and resentful. But then it didn’t *work*…it couldn’t work. But not because he was a male…it was because he was a narc.
Mystery solved.
(Sorry Windstorm – I went off on a tangent but sometimes it just feels good to see these things in type and make all the connections.)
*write…not right.
That one isn’t forgivable.
WhoCares
The APA released a recent report about toxic masculinity and how to deal with it.
What a bunch of fucking morons (that’s my contempt coming to the fore and I am using verbal abuse to devalue the APA) Masculinity isn’t the problem, NPD is the problem and it affects just as many women as men.
Essentially, the APA labeled/euphemized NPD as Toxic Masculinity and blame shifted it onto the male population.
The APA is fucking gay (more contempt and verbal abuse, however, it’s their fault for being so dumb and they deserve it for letting me down).
Indeed, toxic masculinity is another to add to the list of misleading terms for what is NPD.
I’m assuming your use of ‘gay’ was in respect of ‘lame’ as I’m not sure if the APA can be homosexual!
Add it to your list of misleading terms for the ultimate article regarding the same, HG. “Relationship advice” will be of interest to a wide audience and has great potential for increasing your readership. Just my opinion.
I agree.
HG
Ha ha ha…lame is correct. When I heard it on the evening news, I thought WTF…idiots.
I kind of like my narcissistic side; it’s fun.
HG,
I think K used that term like how she’s called her cat a ‘cunt’…?
I may chosen a different word but the APA is misguided in a lot of ways and I feel K’s anger over it.
Yes but a cat is a pussy so cunt is a logical progression!
Hahaha!
HG you are cracking me up this morning. You are on a roll.
WhoCares
Ha ha ha…that poor pussy (cat), no worries, the verbal abuse doesn’t seem to have affected her long term. No PTSD.
I grew up with LLNs and, when I use the self-defence mechanism that is narcissism, I will “speak” LLN in real life to protect myself. That is instinct and I have no control over that most of the time. I run on autopilot and all of my narcissistic traits come form that school.
Fucking whore, dumb cunt, fucking idiots and fucktard are just a few of my favorite phrases.
K – the un-librarian…
SMH
Ha ha ha…there are no lessers at the library so I don’t feel the need to “speak LLN”.
K,
Thank-you for sharing that. I’ll definitely read up on it.
I echo your sentiments on the APA and think I have said so elsewhere.
What a fucking mess…
My pleasure WhoCares
And I agree, what a fucking mess!
WS
From his perspective it wasn’t stupid, it was effective. His future fake (manipulation) had you provoked, confused, in situ and thinking about it for months, thus providing fuel and that’s all that matters. Remember, narcissists operate in the moment and they do not think or care about the ramifications of their behaviour and your escape was of no real consequence given your position in his fuel matrix.
K
Ha, ha! We’ll just have to let this one go. Dont think we’re either one of us going to convince the other! Lol!
I’m well aware he doesn’t think he was stupid, but that doesn’t make it so. While I did think about it for months and turn observing him into a type of science experiment, our “relationship” fell apart within two months because of this and other red flags.
As to saying narcissists “do not think or care about the ramifications of their behaviour.” Id say that mainly applies to stupid or dumb narcissists. Even my Moron thought and schemed and had objectives he wanted to achieve. He was just not smart enough to pull them off. I don’t think he would agree with you that what he did was effective. He would of course, blame me for it not working out like he wanted, but even he would know it was not effective.
Hope you’re having a great week! Our school is called off for tomorrow for snow! Snow days have always been my very favorite days!
Oh – Happy Snow Day, Windstorm!
WhoCares
They all are!
Enjoy the snow day Windstorm!
MB
You are looking at it from your perspective. They don’t send the picture because that would cede superiority, relinquish control and shut off the fuel supply.
K
Yes, but one can’t deny the fact that his failure to send the picture is what caused me to disengage and therefore he lost me as a fuel source. I maintain that was stupid on his part.
Yes K, but do they not consider that ignoring a repeated request or, in fact, saying they will do something and not doing it will make a decent person lose interest? If I say I will do something, my word is good and I expect others to treat me similarly. If they repeatedly let me down, my engagement is diminished.
K
Thought that comment was to me, but now see it was to MB. Sorry. Serves me right for trying to answer quickly in a restaurant! ❤️
WS
Ha ha ha…I am just playing the Devil’s advocate. Lessers and Mid-Rangers have no choice in how they respond to the appliances around them and they operate in the moment irrespective of the consequences down the line, namely, all is as the fuel wills it to be.
There is no school tomorrow, thank God! It is like the North Pole outside.
Thanks for letting me practice my cognitive narcissism with you!
lol K. Cognitive narcissism.
Ha ha ha…it is a work in progress SMH.
I like your concept of Cognitive narcissism very much, K.
I instinctively started applying it when I read HG’s work, but your designation made it more clear and concrete for me.
It is a work in progress for me too.
For every empath, I guess.
Lou
Oh, it is indeed a work in progress, because we have to force ourselves to look at it from the narcissist’s perspective and that takes cognitive flexibility.
Although it isn’t always easy, keep up the good work.
K
You’re welcome! I totally agree that lessers and midrangers probably have no choice in how they respond – that’s why I labeled him “stupid.”
We have a snow day, too! ❄️
WS
P.S.
You are correct; he did lose you as a fuel source, however, you were a remote source and he most likely had an IPPS and supplementary sources to draw on.
Ha, ha, K!
Devil’s advocates are important!
He’s never married, never lived with any woman other than his mother and his sisters. One of his sisters is his PS. He talks to her by phone over a dozen times a day, and goes “home” to stay with her on all his holidays.
No. He’s a messed up loser that is so “allergic to criticism” (his own words) that I’m pretty sure no woman could live with him. I’d bet all his secondary sources are online like I was. I’d say there’s a good chance the only sex he ever has is on Skype.
WS
Sounds like my twin. He and my mother are each others NIPS and some narcissists can get all their fuel needs met online. My brother couldn’t handle criticism either.
When I was a kid I would chant: You can dish it out but you can’t take it! over and over again until he exploded in anger. I loved pissing him off.
My pleasure MB
Narcissists have no emotional empathy so they are not concerned about a decent person losing interest (they cannot put themselves in your shoes and see your POV).
You are wired for decency so, if you say something or make a promise, you will follow through with it. The narcissist is only interested in the Prime Aims and chief amongst them is fuel.
Your request would most likely be regarded as challenge fuel and ignoring it or deploying a future fake is done to assert superiority, gain fuel and control the recipient and, remember, they operate in the moment irrespective of the consequences.
Thank you K, I enjoy your explanations. I’m over the whole picture thing anyway. I’m 6 years into this dance. At this point, I just deploy a yummy HT so I can climb down from the shelf and play when I’m feeling frisky!
My pleasure MB.
Challenge fuel SMH
Questioning the narcissist is an affront to his notion of superiority and lack of accountability. By denying your request(s), he was able to draw fuel from you, assert superiority and maintain control.
Ha ha ha…fuck him and his horse.
Indeed, K, but I only asked once towards the end and partly in jest. At the time, I thought he denied it because he had ‘chosen’ IPPS (for the moment), not because I had asked per se. Now I know better after reading this post!
SMH
Why destroy the objective? Control and the narcissist needs negative fuel and he does not care about the impact of obtaining it. All is as the fuel wills it to be.
Indeed, K (if I am understanding you correctly). But I did not know at the time that I was fuel. I looked for all sorts of other explanations – psychological (is he feeling guilty?), is he too stressed/busy, maybe I did something, etc.
SMH
Yup, I remember thinking exactly the same thing. My MMRN destroyed our family and I had no clue why?!?
We know the reasons now so we can let go and move forward but the whole process really sucks.
It does really suck. Well said 🙂
What about if they were no pictures taken or posted by him at anytime throughout the relationship and no relationship bulletins on social media vs both of those actions now with the replacement IPPS?
The narcissist instinctively had no need to do it during the relationship and then instinctively had a need to do the contrary with the new IPPS. We do and say whatever is necessary to achieve our aims – sometimes this manifests as repeated behaviours, sometimes they vary. It is as a consequence of the ultimate need of the narcissist being catered for and we are not constrained by any need to be consistent because the narcissism blinds (lesser and MR) to that and greater have no issue with it owing to a lack of conscience, lack of remorse and a lack of guilt. Greater know we lie but we see no issue with it and indeed revel in doing so. The games are always being played.